₦airaland Forum

His not a possession. I do not want to take him away from her. That was a choice for him to make darl. He has decided to stay in the marriage primarily for his children's sake. No love lost

Miracle4325:
In other words, person husband Dey enter your eyes 👀.. Aunty no gree for anybody oo, you can' take him from her

You may be correct. I just won't stick around to find out. Wishing you the best 🎉

BItt:
Hello jakkie I took time to read your post.
I must be honest with you, he isn't sincere with you and is manipulating you. You may not understand this and might take 3 more years before you understand.

He is using you

Absolutely spot on. Full disclosure from the beginning is the best. But I also understand why anyone would have reservations. He always says that I'm "above" his class and adding on that his married would've pushed me away.

His right, because I could never have willingly started with a married man. And besides that, Nigerian men get a bad rep EVERYWHERE but I know his friends and family. They're mostly good guys who just want money and success. So imagine being Nigerian in a foreign country, the truth isn't always the first option because you get stigmatized..lol idk but I get it. People make poor decisions sometimes, that's all it was. Once I found out, him and I were fully transparent. I could see the relief leave his body. I'm definitely not upset. It just sucks.

His a man who discusses everything with me. He advises and leads me. His gentle with his words and generous with his affection. His opened up to which is difficult for men but I know EVERYTHING about him and that makes it impossible to want to share lol.


His wonderful, I'm wonderful. We're just not going to be wonderful together.

How long have you been in SA?

ghettochild4u:
First thing first, I live in SA and this thing of my brother's not telling the truth about them having kids or being married back home is really annoying.
Women, Young girls date married men. It's a choice but why keep quiet.
Cos of this, people don't believe me when I say I don't have a wife or kids back home just because of people like ur boyfriend.
Anyways u have shown unconditional love to this guy...
God bless you. And he's also reciprocating.
U have access to his phone...
My sister you have no problem
Ur happiness matters
Ur family member won't be in the marriage with u.
Anyways if he really loves u...he will take u to Nigeria.
Have got a friend whose step-dad is Nigerian n presently they are in Asaba.
They visit every December with the other two grown up teenagers her mother bored for her step-dad.
Last last, ur happiness is in ur hands oooo.

I do not have the maturity to be a second wife. And I'm too selfish with my partner to be as well. Truthfully, she may be in Nigeria but I'm here with him. Doing all the wifely duties, supporting him when they argue etc. It's draining because we never fight, but they're forever bickering and it changes his overall mood with me. Sounds like a glorified side chick.

I strongly believe that polygamous marriages work best when the wives are all level headed, nice people. Can't "co-wife" when one of the women are hot headed.

I love him and will likely remain friends. Definitely can't be the second wife.

Thanks for the response.

cybernaut:
The issue here is your ex boyfriend is a good guy and already a married man with kids . As a igbo man is very hard to divorce his wife because of his children. Never!

You also stated you are from polygamy family and you don't want to be a second wife.

My advice to you if you continue with him and get married to him you will be his wife in South Africa and his wife in Nigeria will be his home wife that's two families.

As you have made up your mind not to be a second wife you can move on with your life but if you think you can allowed it to happen maybe as a second wife then marry him.

Used and dumped? You have a serious literacy issue if you deduced this from my post.

Clubbing is ok. Socialising with friends is ok. Sorry if you have any trauma brought on by women enjoying time out. Maybe CPTSD😩 GET HELP NE

UptownVibes:
Used and dumped said she don end wetin with who exactly? And na club entrance them meet her o.. Wholu will evenu tarke sach seriaous in da forst plaze

Oh I didn't know this because I'm a woman. Well even more reason to not bother
... because my 6months has lapsed. He probably has a new queen on his roster.

Kidding but it's ok. I know his best outcome is for us to be one happy family but I'd be sacrificing too much. I've never married, never been pregnant...and then I do it with a married dad of 3? (4 if you include the wife's 1st son). Sounds like a wack deal

jumokeadele:
discuss with him if he wants a second wife first. one woman is never enough for a man except we want to continue deceiving ourself. The biology is completely deferent, Christianity messed us up with one-man one-woman shit, even thought David and co married more than one wife and God was not angry about it.

Every man will get tired of sleeping with one woman over and over again at exactly 6month at most. You as a woman will only enjoy the sex if he shares you with other woman, either as second wife or as side chick.

Decision making isn't always linear. So excuse me for needing input or choosing to ask for advice online. I MAY have been unsure. Ha! What a sin.

Weirdo.
Good-bye

luminouz:
I won't!!

You asked for advice and in the next few posts already decided never to go back to him....why ask for advice on the first place?

Isn't that ironic?

So how do I respond to your insightful posts without quoting you? I'm new here.

luminouz:
.
Stop quoting me, it's irritating!!

I agree.

amaks:
If he can't divorce her then you took the right decision.

Miss Zulu?

Great so you've concluded that I'm a Zulu lady? Lol I wish

I wanted advise and I've received it.

So from you, I don't need anything except for you to have blessed year

Kennyswag:
Miss zulu what exactly do you want us to do for you?

Your insistence that I'm lying is shocking. I posted on here because I have nobody to confide in who I feel comfortable telling about this whole thing. Poly marriages aren't really a thing - especially not for someone brought up how I was, in the city etc. So I can't tell my friends or family that's why I posted.

luminouz:
Your reply is even worse that the first one. You are fake and you should be ashamed of yourself for saying something brought out the 'real you'.

You people are something else. What guy did what to her...were you there? Did you know anything? I just taya for una.

Eh? What do I have to gain by lying on an anonymous public platform.

It's more than ok to not an opinion. You could've just scrolled past.

luminouz:
Cock and bull story!!!

You love and have been with him for three years(including the time after you knew he has a wife and 3 kids) what's now the issue?

Fake stories are always easy to tell

1. I have a story please be gentle with me, my heart can't take it

2. Describes how loving the dude is, bla bla bla... And how she met all his needs but he had a flaw. Yet she loves him still

3. With all the love and whatever, she suddenly decides to divorce him

4. The most annoying part, asking for advice when all the red flags and blue moon bullshiit are visible.

I just taya for people sha

Ugh that's sweet. Bless you.

Lol yeah, I don't even want to have to defend any man to my parents. I just need to focus on my own things, and if the appropriate man comes, I'll know. Because I'm not willing to stress my parents just because I have big eyes for a man

Tbh, this is just my first heartbreak so I felt like I'm dying when we discussed our options the other night. I'm glad I decided to break up with him though.

Goreplanet:
Dear I understand you can't even explain it to your parent that he has a family already, they'll be very disappointed
Even if you want to defend your Choice of a man before your parent,then let It be someone you can boldly call your own completely
You don't need to share a man with someone
I want you to focus more on yourself
I'll be here and ready to cheer you up if need be
Life's just like that,you can't have it all..pls let go

Thank you.

No hard feelings.

You're right. I'm just sad because the outcome I anticipated was the opposite. However, I won't paint him as a bad person because he never promised to divorce his wife for us to be together and I thank God for his transparency. Many men could never.

I'm definitely not looking but if genuine sweet love comes back around, yay 😁

Demigod22:
Lol, the Sarcastic heart for me.

Dear Jackie, I am sorry for the sour experience. Sometimes, we give and give everything and it won't still work out. Some people are human with animal soul. It's best you have moved on.

PS: Your respond to my comment brought out the real me, I almost feel guilty like the guy that did this to you, I feel like I already know you. God will bless you with someone who will love, cherish and value you.

He is unwilling. His father has apologised and explained the societal implications for them as a family in the village etc so I know it's not a possibility as he will also lose access to his kids.

I respect it, and I'll keep it moving

rickleye:
Nice write up.
Matters of the heart when it comes to love are at times difficult to meddle.
Unless he is willing to divorce his present wife you have done the best thing.

I'm not sure what he can possibly be using me for. Is it for papers? Well I'm not immigration and I don't own a percentage of my country lol. Why he paranoid about being used for that? If I love someone and we marry, that's just a consequence of us being together and his children having access to better opportunities is a bonus for us all.

I don't see what he can use me for. His helped me immensely to develop into who I am, and that's priceless. The fact that I got to resign from my job and am currently pursuing things I'm interested and going to be open my own practice is all testament to him as a man who kept his word.

I don't live my life with a scarcity mindset. I'm all for Africans marrying Africans lol. It's whatever. My issues were clearly stated in my original post.

Now...

Do you have any meaningful advice?

JoshTim:
Them still dey use this one do suya ...e go soon clear...it must be clear....lol. na jjc be this one sha. She even dey tell us say she be psychologist, for where naija boy dey. Make we tell her?...boys say make we leave you make you see fire.

🎥

JealousCobra:
😎

Yeah that's an impossibility. I've made up my mind. I'd be silly to think that I'm special when these type of relationships always end in the same way. With the other woman / "second wife" being compromised.

He loves and respects me and me too but the love definitely doesn't override my sensibilities. I was just going through the most this evening but now I've gained clarity thanks to the comments by his fellow Nigerians lol

Savedday2:
Why broke up with him when you will still go back to beg him?

Kindly remember the knacking. Before the end of the year, you will surely go beg him.

This is the best comment. I appreciate your input.

To answer your questions.
- I am not missing him physically but definitely thinking about him.
- I've always put myself first and thus built a good life for myself but this time I thought compromising would've served me well. Tbh, it's not with it.

He has 3 children. I cannot even imagine explaining that to my parents. I've been a perfect daughter and I guess this relationship is not worth tarnishing my reputation over. It's very shameful to me (privately) to love a man who I know I won't ever completely call my own. I love his kids, we support them etc but there's nothing I can do except leave and choose my future

Thanks

Goreplanet:
Let me tell you something dear,I understand the fact you don't want to be a second wife,I respect that choice..
-Now ask yourself this questions:
Are you missing him now that you've broken up with him?
-what if it turns out he's been lying to you all these years (anything is possible)
-can you build another relationship without thinking about him after now?
All these questions I'm asking you will open your eyes if you look at the picture very closely, experience has thought me to put my life and happiness first before anything,..you have a life, focus on your own life and happiness,that man you're talking about has a wife and kids already.. just focus on your life,find your own man and live happily
Don't stress yourself up

I am not a feminist. I have no interest in writing. I am successful in my line of work, thanks for your suggestions and God bless your sarcastic heart.

With regards to the advise, I have decided to leave for good. I appreciate your input

Demigod22:
I will advise you to leave relationship alone and consider career in writing. However, you should improve your diction, imagery and artistry to make your story more captivating.

Perhaps, you will make a very terrible-excellent career as a feminist from this funny experience of yours.

No issue. The ones who have responded, have helped me. Apologies for wasting your precious time.

tochez24:
If you have truly been with a Nigerian or Nigerians😁, you will know first hand that we don't like reading long stories or wasting our time on non relevant issues especially the ones without any money involved😊😊

I can guarantee you baby girl that 95% of Nigerians wouldn't even read all this you have just typed up there⚠️⚠️⚠️

So now clearly we have established that you know NOTHING about Nigerians and probably haven't been with one too♂️

We could get married tomorrow if I agreed. I'm not going to compare cultures but here marriage isn't do or die. I love him, yes but I am confused that's why I posted.

Her complaining does affect me it affectsu boyfriend.

advanceDNA:
What has her complain on him not having her time got to do with him being with u that u claim he loves ??

If a naija man u claim is doing financially well wants to really really really marry u ...madam u won't be worried about anything except aso ebi, and the dance moves u will chose on ur wedding day...

How?

Smithwilliams826:
I only read sci-fi, adventure, or action stories/novel.
This your story is to boring and long

Yoh okay fair enough.

Jking20:
Anything wey concern relationship shouldn't be making headlines here, we are damn tired of all this relationship issues left and right. Please contact a marriage counselor for advice...

He has asked and spoken to his wife. Like 6 months ago. She agreed saying she has no choice but now she's always complaining that he does not have time for her anymore... that's another problem

advanceDNA:
Confused chick can't decide if she wants to be a second wife to a naija dude she loves scatter and been dating for 3 years but broke up with yesterday......

I didn't see it in her write up....so I'm not sure the guy has asked her to be his wife...

She nor know say naija dey craze........
.never assume anything with a naija man he has not taken action on.....

... Naija man can have side chic for 10 years oooo.......they can cuddle after sex, kiss u in the fore head and credit ur account well...but they are never confused with where their heart is..

Alright. Thank you

MatrixReloaded:
Give ur life to Jesus christ. His is the auto and finisher of your faith. You won't divorce him if you marry Jesus.

Why is this useless and worthless? I'm just asking for comments. Please, it's a genuine post

Alhajikd:

As a seriously minded born again Christian, I have made up my mind not to be commenting on useless and worthless post this year

I come in peace though

Hi all.

I want to start off with a few important pointers/ disclaimers.

1. I am NOT Nigerian and do not claim to know everything about Nigeria.
2. Please do not be xenophobic or rude to me. I'm not strong enough lol
3. I will be as respectful as possible💞
4. I'll call the man in the story "Sam"

Okay so I'm a lady from a Southern African country. I met a Nigerian man who came here for "japa"/ "looking for better opportunities". I met him after he had arrived within 2months. I was walking into the club with my friends and he was in a vehicle with his friends. The driver stopped me to greet and he said hello. Sam greeted me and the driver asked for my number on his behalf lol. It was cute.

First thoughts, he was handsome in the face but definitely not anyone I'd be interested in talking to. He was unkept and clearly struggling financially just from his appearance. Anyway, he called that night to see if I'd be willing to chill with him and his friends, and I agreed. They came back around. He came into my car but I was put off by him telling me I'm so beautiful, calling me babe and saying "I'd wish to kiss you". Omg I was sooooo freaked out. Anyway I told him to leave my car and never call me again. Within an hour, my car's tyre burst ON THE flipping HIGHWAY😲. I called my father but he was almost 2 hours away so I called him and he came within 20minutes. Him nd his brothers came and fixed it for me.

From that day, we spoke and discussed every single day. I had never been with a Nigerian man or any serious relationship before but I liked him. I supported him financially for the longest time because I saw potential in him. I bought him his firs new clothes here, took him to all the nice places, and helped him with personal hygiene etc. I saw him as a friend. He is genuinely a good good person and I fell for his soul. His just so normal and pure. I am considered pretty, intelligent and independent so I won't lie and say that I can't find anyone else but he has my heart tbh.

Everything was going good but after 3months of being together everyday, he obviously wanted the Bleep. It was such a huge deal for me because I take that seriously. But anyway our relationship progressed in that direction - positively.

He would share the little money he had with me and food with me etc if I had recklessly spent my money etc lol. I was giving him a salary to start a business. Mind you, I studied psychology and I'm smart enough to know when I'm being scammed just because I'm a paranoid/anxious detective type naturally 🙈 anyway, we had the most incredible times and I know without a Shadow of a doubt he loves me.

Fast forward 2 months then I find that he is married with 3 kids. I knew about the kids - after finding out. Buti understand why he'd be hesitant to share that. My father is from a polygamous home so I do have strong feelings about that arrangement and single probably thought it's a bad idea to tell me. Well I found out, I was upset af. But I got over it. He never forced me to or anything but I genuinely thought I'd figure it out.

Well it's been 3 years. We have NEVER argued once about anything. We have the most compatible personalities. His calm, sweet and soft spoken. Same with me. His business is doing good and he has put me on a salary as I resigned, and want to start a business.

Nigerian men are the hill I'm willing to die in lol. I had Nigerian friends in the past (Yoruba) but Igbo men are just built different. They're natural born providers. I have access to his phones and vice versa. He knows everything about me and so do I. Including his marital issues (which are unfortunately plenty).

I know my family would not accept me marrying him although my mom adores him. My father would probably have a heart attack. They worked hard for us to be very well balanced, mentally strong women so I'm so surprised that I landed up in this position. I have an incredible family and lack nothing. Financially, emotionally, mentally... Everythingally...my family is able to provide.

Maybe because his my first actual relationship, I am failing to see the big picture. Truth is... I know he'll forever care for me but I also know that his wife only loves him for money, and uses his children against him. She literally told him she'd use juju on him and deny him access to the children if he leaves her.

I thought it'd be easy. Divorce in my country is so accessible and in a situation where a husband has suffered immeasurable abuse from a woman, he definitely has grounds to divorce her. Mind you, I know this because I went through his old messages from 8+ years ago and she was always berating him, accusing him, being hot and cold etc. She's so ungrateful and her only obsession is money. She compared him to Obi Cubana😅 calling out his supposed incompetence. Well I don't know, men aren't just money. They're people with feelings and lives, they deserve love regardless.

For an example, we bought his dad motorcycle and she complained that her dad didn't get one 😩 him and I are now financially good and blessed but I know deep in my soul that I cannot be a second wife.

This post is because I broke up with him yesterday and I know for a fact his not allowed to divorce since this was a marriage introduced by his dad. She has a child from another relationship but nobody even knows. I mean she's a liar liar. He knows but his family don't. And the kids is like 15.

Anyway, I wasn't to know what you guys think of this situation. Just chat honestly. I know he won't divorce and she would kill him but I also don't know what it's like to be a second wife or partner to a Nigerian. It sounds like a really bad idea because I like being the only one for my baby.