₦airaland Forum

Lol. I'm South African. My English is far from perfect. It came on a ship lol.

What exactly do you feel you can offer a woman?

SonofGod231:
Which one is "the people"? LOL...You're always using third person pronouns like you're not from there which I find interesting. Can we connect? Lemme be your next bf so you can finally forget that guy for good. Btw with me,you don't need to bring anything to the table as am bringing every thing. Trust me,challenges no be something for me. Just whisper.

I'm single. Thanks for the motivation.

Beauty isn't everything

You can get a man and he treats you badly. Great!

Let me tell you. Nobody is above another. And that's coming from me this never experienced even a lick of hardships. Today it's me, tomorrow it's you.

Nigerians are so judgement to one another. So what if he is an AFRICAN who travelled to another AFRICAN COUNTRY for better opportunities? Immigration is only fancy when it's whites, right? I know you'd date a Finnish immigrant or Australian white knight.

!!!change your thinking!!!

Our brothers are worthy of love. No matter where they're from.

Absolutely no critical thinking.

LilMissFavvy:
Fix your life my dear, leave a married man alone. Even averagely beautiful women don't have a problem finding a man, yet you claim to be this and that yet an immigrant who came to Hussle, is whom you decided to cling to, even when he refused to divorce his wife. Fix your life dear, leave husband and wife to fix their own lives.

Let's have an honest discussion. I love learning from people who have different perspective.

Disclaimer: I am no longer personally invested in the topic because I'm not with him. So let's chat.

1. Do you think forcing someone to stay with you by threatening and being manipulative is a good way to experience love?
2. Is it healthy for children to grow up in a home where the MARRIED parents talk to one another sith contempt and disrespect?
3. Is it ok for a society to shame single young women who have children out of wedlock to the point that they feel the only option is to lie to another guy in order to get married?
4. Do you think marriage is a duty or choice?

LilMissFavvy:
Did the women force these men to have sex or impregnate them? I wouldn't be surprised if he has 3 or more kids from this same woman who you try to paint black. Yes, it is very necessary for a man and woman who brought a child into the world to care for the child, that's why some women refuse to let their husbands go.

Just messaged you

ghettochild4u:
Whatsapp me 0737839889.
Waiting to hear from u.

No! I left him.

I'm not selfish enough to justify him but travelling home to his family. He must visit often if he can afford, or else why is he working so hard?

I don't believe in hoarding people or that someone is my possession. If I marry him, my mother made it clear that I have to go to his father's house and live there for a while. I take marriage seriously and unfortunately I am not from a culture where polygamy is permissible.

I'm not immigration. Papers are the least of my concern. If he needed that, I'm happy to help him. Lol why wouldn't I want his kids to have access to a better passport? Ugh man

okewumi:
Men are like pendulum, circumstances of life has pushed him to the other side.Things has changed and definitions have change.
What is polygamous?
The real polygamous context is when u are staying in thesame house with another wife.
What is first wife?
First wife is someone that stay with husband 24/7

Circumstances of life has changed alot of things in nigeria. Most Nigerians have traveled out and it is difficult to bring family along. They remarried but they are taking care of what they left behind by sending money.

If he is a good guy, stay with him. He can be with u in south Africa till old age. He know that it can take 15yrs b4 he gets paper and by the time he travels back, the wife is already on menopause. We have alot of them here and the wife in nigeria knows the reality. If u leave him, another person will accept him

I pity them both if that's the case. The relationship I had with him was ROMANTIC, SELF SACRIFICING, SOFT AF, and very emotionally intimate.

I know why she's in the marriage because she tells him almost weekly. And it's because she's made it clear that "Her" God will punish him. And he will not succeed or have a relationship with his kids ever again if he ever leaves her.

She doesn't even know that I was the one sending him money so that she could get 200k Naira monthly when her husband was pushing.


I know and see a HAPPY, peaceful, romantic marriage daily with my parents.

My own mother works darn hard but has owned over 15 cars because of my father. Let me tell you, you can be happy happy happy.

My perspective may be different because I've lived life on easy mode. And I thank God for that.

wegevv:
If “personal happiness” is one’s main purpose in life then I doubt marriage (in it’s original form) is for them

As an example here’s the catholic wedding vows:

I, ___, take you, ___, for my lawful wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I will love and honor you all the days of my life

I’m sure you’ve heard that before but truly read it slowly and understand what they are vowing to do. You essentially promise to stick to one another, regardless of personal happiness, when you get married. This is where the anti-divorce culture comes from.

Marriage has been re-interpreted in the west and that view is slowly filtering out so I understand your confusion.

PS: they are showing their love for each other by staying together despite the lack of “romance” from your pov

I'm sorry to say this but Nigeria is a different different place to South Africa. You think think my main goal has always been to secure a man and get married? Unfortunately your culture is toxic for women. They sometimes settle just to have the title of wife.


I'm not embarrassed to say that I was never prepared to let the other guys meet my parents.

My heart landed on him. Not any other man before him. His circumstances are unfortunate because of my culture and beliefs... But I respect and adore him regardless. Just not romantically anymore

LilMissFavvy:
Smh, joker marriage is not compulsory, but if you want to marry, go and find your own man, leave her husband alone. You are this good, yet you couldn't find a single man in South Africa, really?

He made it clear. Informed his wife on speaker with me. Spoke and met with my mother.

Well if he didn't intend to, then that's ok. I'd have being wrong. Which is a lesson learned. I'm not afraid of making a mistake and learning from it

BluntCrazeMan:
You're being too forward by already concluding that he wanted to marry you.

What if he never intended to marry you?
What if he just wanted the relationship alone?

Refuses? How can he when women use kids as bargaining chips to keep men in the marriage? I'm not even a parent but I'd sure as hell also choose my biological children over a girlfriend or boyfriend.

LilMissFavvy:
You were well brought up, yet you keep a married man for over 3yrs, and wished he divorced his wife, he refused to divorce her, and you are now here, trying to sound decent? Seriously?

Same me who is the reason he now has a relationship with his siblings and father?

Same me who encouraged him to call his wife and kids everyday instead of once a week?

Same me who sends things to Nigeria to his children?

Same me who corrects him when his wrong and speaks badly to his wife or argues on the phone with her with his kids present?

Lol yip. I definitely made him forget them

LilMissFavvy:
Cock and bull stories. It's amazing that you are not aware that the wife is correct, you are actually the one who makes the man forget his family.

I appreciate your input. Let's keep it classy and refrain from insults


First thing first, there is NOTHING wrong with dating an immigrant. I feel so embarrassed on your behalf for acting as if me dating a father is anything to be ashamed of. People have lived. That's what we do. We live. We err. We achieve. It's the human experience. Him looking for better opportunities in a foreign land or having children is not a flaw.

I am really beautiful, confident and independent. That is not up for discussion. However, those things have nothing to do with me landing up with him. I was with him purely because he has a heart of gold and loved me gently and without hesitation.

Had I found someone worth my energy before him, I'd have been married mom lol.


Well yeah. I would've been comfortable if he divorced her. Do you want me to lie? You'd be surprised how many men are stuck in loveless marriages because the thought of losing access to their children keeps them locked in. Don't be silly, sometimes marriages work out, sometimes they don't.

I'm describing the wife to paint a picture. She is who she is. Not all women are going to be good wives even though she's a good mother. I have nothing against her.


There is no original wife or anything like that. If I were ok with being in a polygamous marriage I definitely would've gone for it. You're problem is you think it's a competition.

LilMissFavvy:
So you would have accepted that he divorces his wife to marry you? I thought you described yourself as "beautiful and independent", how come you are unable to attract any male in South Africa? How come you have never been in a relationship? How come the only man you have ever been able to attract is an immigrant,...... a married man with 4 children?

You have the mind to criticize his wife, you say she is this and that, you think marriage is easy? You couldn't get any man to date you, talkless of getting married, yet you are criticising his wife. You think it's easy for the wife over there? You think he would have been better off being with you "miss perfect". You think marriage is easy? You don't know that couple's do have their ups and downs?

Stop trying to sound decent or good. Decent women don't go after married men or wish that married men divorce their original wives to marry them.

Oh my angel. Forget dating, focus on critical skills and do courses aligned to that and work hard in school.
Hugs

Akano5:
I'm currently 20year old man with barbing skills and Microsoft skills, if you need a man, i'm willing to marry you -- though i'm too young for that, but, life is what it is...

Lol yessssss, it's a good country. Although there are many challenges. Overall though, the people are friendly

SonofGod231:
All I can say is "I love south Africa gon" If there's any place I ever want to revisit it is Southy. The place and it's bannies cannot be overrated ohh. Who no go no know.

I was told it's a common practice for Igbos😒

Idaytesj29:
Okay sir. But I guess they are not many and it's not a popular practice. Cos I hardly see or hear of it.

I need to be very clear and say that he may be tricking me now or deceiving me now for whatever purpose. BUT he never once used marriage to lure me in or persuade me to sleep with him. Marriage isn't that important to me and I don't have pressure from my parents to marry so it's not even something we discussed until about 6 months ago.

I will move on swiftly because from what I'm seeing... It's a no win situation FOR ME

ultraviolet27:
Look Aunty You hv been tricked,deceived and scammed!! Divorce or seperation isn't hard to finalize in Nigeria? If the Wife was that terrible He would have divorced Her since!; I almost fell into that trap too man Men are dubious and lies a lot I won't say it's Nigerian Men only since I haven't dated Men frm other Countries or other Race though Most Women too are unfaithful and liars.

Men if you are interested in Sex only declare it and if it's Marriage you want or can Stl lead to that after declare it frm this start stop leading People's daughters on and using Marriage as a pretest to Sleep with Ladies!!

And did He propose Marriage to you as in you should be His 2nd Wife? Because I didn't read that from your write up but if He did being a 3nd Wife shouldn't be a bad Idea Since you and the 1st Wife lives Countries apart.

Yes very well. Consistently. They lack nothing. I also send things for them just out of consideration like cute things they'd appreciate. His a caring father and we send the lady a salary too. So they are not struggling in anyway. The lady just never gets satisfied. The appetite for money is just too high.

.

Alphiegabe:
Does he send money to his kids Igbo men don't joke with their children u said it yourself they her providers. You sure say no be citizen hm dey find

Yeah makes sense. You figured it out. Send the police to arrest me. I'll send you gate code😩

yesloaded:
You don't know what's happening in nairaland

Don't be surprised op is a Nigerian and not igbo tribe in any way

Some people now create fake thread with the sole aim of causing ethnic war

You're right. My father is a very decisive, strong minded man and I think this makes it even more difficult to believe or entertain my guys excuses. Men will cross oceans for a woman they truly love. I can't imagine my father being double minded about my mother.

So even hearing about how the wife's brothers may kill him (the one is actually a gangster in my country. Allegedly) is off putting.

There's just no reason big enough when you truly love someone. I'm stable minded and pretty sensible so I know his not afraid of me leaving him or backstabbing him after he makes these sacrifices, so it leads me to believe that he wants to benefit from having a CHILD MINDER and someone to take care of him here

rickleye:
All that is BS. Societal implications and losing access to his kids. We are not in the 60’s.
That said, you have invested in him and that’s painful but you also felt what it feels to be loved. You appear to be strong and you’ll recover . I mean , you don’t come across as someone who should play second fiddle. So either understand the terms of relationships which is just a fling /affair but if you want something serious , it’ can’t be with him

This is very interesting. I have no interest in showing it to him or discussing because I've made my decision. Truth is, he may divorce her now out of pressure which will have long term implications. Almost like I am forcing myself onto him which is really bad. Or because he wants to keep me, he may agree with his wife to fool me and they plot to Act as of they're divorcing or whatever. Although super unlikely because of his character. Anything done under duress is not love. I will never give my partner an ultimatum. If he discovers this legal information on his own, great!

360command:
he should forget those loyalties or family friend issues.. if he has the proof of she threatening him etc, he can use that in court.

People will say, law does not work in Nigeria but to be real, the law truly works. He needs to establish his responsibilities which is the kids he has. He needs to show proof of child support payment, he needs to put a restraining order between him and his wife cause she has threatened him. He needs to also show proof he is not staying with her for a year. This will help in his divorce process faster .. all this he can use to show to the police and court system.

If he is ready, he must do what is necessary and he should not look into family. The girls family will understand once he can show proof of her insults, vodoo behavior, and her threats..

Sorry to hear that.

Ok you've been here for a while. I hope things are looking up for you

ghettochild4u:
Been here since April 9 2017.
Thought I had found love in SA...
But I was wrong.....
I was played big time.
That's past tense tho.

I am 100% supportive and happy to submit to my man. So sorry to disappoint.

I work very hard for my money and have subsequently built a good life for myself.

He CHOOSES to take care of me and give me opportunities out of love and manly duties.

I'm grateful that I was blessed with someone who did his best for me.

If that makes him a simp, then may he simp on into eternity lol

My mom has met him already and loves him. My dad is ok with our relationship. They have no issue with him being a Nigerian or coming here under the conditions he did. That's immaterial. Everyone starts somewhere.

The issue with them is the kids and marriage. They don't know and I am very sure that it will not be salvageable should they find out.

Tbh I'm not willing to rock my stable relationship with my parents for a man. At the end of the day, our relationship was important in both our growth. Now it's time to keep it moving.

No need. I'm built fairly ok and I would consider myself pretty. That should suffice for your assessment

Trophy12:
Can I see your picture, I want to check something

Lol hmmm

cutieme:
Love conquers okay?
If you truly love him as you said and he too does, please stick to him, it's clear that he's gonna leave his Nigerian wife someday so for now you're the real wife he has so please stick around.

I consider myself lucky to have met my ex. Yes.

Nigerians are not rare lol. There's a Nigerian manay every corner. Definitely not rare in SA.

StrongAlphMale:
As expected.

SA women loves Nigerian men alot. They're so obsess with Nigerian men.

You should count yourself Lucky to be dating a Nigerian man. We're extremely rare to find!

He explained that about the Igbo culture. And his father too.

But why can't a person just return the bride price if his no longer happy?

But does that mean that personal happiness doesn't matter?

Why would a woman insist on staying in a marriage where there was no love or any form of romance?

It's confusing to me but I respect it 100%.

Good lessons learned.

SGANIVA:
Divorce in igbo culture is really difficult, unless the wife is cault cheating, just accept to be the second wife or move on with your life.

You can marry him and bring peace between the whole families if you can't get over it

Hats off to you for dealing with this bully. Just because his not capable or willing to read a couple of paragraphs, written in simplistic English. Doesn't mean everyone else won't bother.

TY;

ChybuzzDD:
If you think a med practitioner/surgeon practising abroad and doing, in a day, the amount of work lazy people like you do in a month is jobless or not gainfully employed, then you're the illiterate i previously described you as.

Just accept that reading is not in your nature, and don't make case for the rest of Nigerians.

I started reading voraciously as early as in SS1, finishing books as big as Modern Biology, PN Okeke's Physics, Ababio(chemistry), Nelson textbook of physics, etc, multiple times before my WAEC.

So, finishing that little write-up under 2mins, while still multitasking, is nothing to me.

SOUTH AFRICA

StrongAlphMale:
Which country are you from?

Say your country with your full chest. No dey disguise again

Get a life.

You think I'd be doing yahoo for Naira? And wouldn't I be on Reddit or something. Scamming people for USD or higher currencies? Absolutely no critical thinking.

I don't know enough about you to understand why you're being so mean but I can assure you, I am sincere

DKM123:
First off, the story is fake and he/she is trying EXTRA HARD to be seen as miss-goody-two-shoes. Send this person a DM and be love-scammed. Yahoo get levels this days....

Anyway, that's not the issue..

Imagine it's a married woman with kids who has a side covk that she lied to that she was single.. Then the side covk comes on Nairaland saying he is in love despite being deceived. Despite the married woman saying she can't leave her husband because of JuJu. LMAO
The entire Nairaland would have shut down with rage and roar and insults upon insults on how the entire Nigerian women are this and that.

Infact if this supposed sidechic said she was a Nigerian lady, the screams of asheeeewooooo would have rented Nairaland air.


Bunch of hyp0crites!

I wish it was just about love. He has responsibilities and the way their marriage happened is also another issue. His father arranged the lady for him. The lady is a family friend of his father's. So those loyalties. And she has threatened him over and over again. Any small post on WhatsApp and she's losing her mind. Accusing him of forgetting about them in Nigeria which is ridiculous because he does everything for his family. Idk but I cannot force anyone to do anything. Neither should I wish to

360command:
if he loves you, he can divorce his wife. Make sure he gets divorce decree Papers showing he is divorced. It should take a year.

Lol I'm fine now yoh. I've seen what I need to see. No dating anytime soon.

Patosky4U:
@Jackie999 I can feel Ur confusion but if you need another nice Nigeria man we are not far from your door step...

Don't feel too much. That's how I go in this predicament. Think carefully

Alphafeezay:
I have about 99% feeling you are Nigerian