₦airaland Forum

A lot of comments are so disheartening. Everybody is trying to not get burned....or burned again. People have their defences up. Men pass by very good women but have preconceived notions from past experience, their ideals, and unrealistic expectations. And women do the same. The trouble is for people who don't fit into their preconceived notions but are written off already, because everybody has their defences up instead of entering a new relationship healed, learned from past experiences (rather than being bitter), and with a fresh, open mind.

Sometimes, it seems people like drama. When someone doesn't have issues they complained of, then they focus on a minor issue they could have worked on with communication, especially when you are with a good, understanding person. Sometimes, though, one person doesn't open up or is impatient to let the person work on that minor issue that seems so important.

Marriage is for mature people. If you cannot be patient with a partner before marriage, it's going to be difficult dealing with the person later in the long adventure of marriage. Many people, both men and women, spend more time looking for someone who has the superfluous qualities on their checklist. Their hearts are more set on finding someone with those qualities than finding someone with the important qualities that marriage cannot survive without.

In this life, doing things at the right time is important, even for men. Some people are unserious, playing for long and believe time is on their side, but by the time they make up their mind or think is the right time, they end up with less than "ideal" situations and wish they could have done things differently.

People evolve over time. Nobody has it all together from the onset. Even if everything on your checklist for a partner is checked, you will later find some areas for improvement. If you can find someone who has the qualities that marriage cannot survive without, you're good to go. All other superfluous qualities will come easier to develop in that partner.

The issue is knowing the qualities that marriage cannot survive without and knowing how to separate it from superfluous qualities you thought are so important but really are not important for the survival of a good marriage. You and your partner can communicate and work together on those superfluous qualities. Additionally, doing this will draw you together, to understand each other more and bond more, strengthening your relationship.

I'm fine with them forgiving each other for what happened in the past, as that was what they had told me. But no, I am definitely not happy to see them engaging in adultery. It brings a lot of questions to mind about who they really are deep down, when they have shown me something else all my life. It makes me wonder if I can even turn to them in the future about marriage issues like this or what advice they would give me or my siblings who are married. I am happy if they are friends, but they need to respect boundaries, especially mom who has gone on too long with different people and is still not divorced. And it doesn't help when a culture doesn't decry it but accept polygamy to muddle the lines between marriage and adultery.

bennyrazz:
if she is happy that her two birth parents are hitting it off, she won't have created this thread. I just pity her situation that was why my suggestions took a serious dimension

They are all from same town in Nigeria. Mom has just a few weeks left before she goes back. Most likely I will not continue all my plans for her and her visa anymore. Is there any need to apologize to mom in this case?

ifyalways:
Tough one.Is your step mom a Nigerian?

Tell your dad to get your mom a place to stay if he can't keep his hands off her.

That is what I politely explained to both of them that it might also permanently damage the relationship between my half siblings on my dad's side that we've been repairing in past few years due to past fall out with my stepmom. My half siblings back home says I should leave her adultery between her and God and don't treat her anyhow, which I haven't, except that we exchanged quite some words.

eyinjuege:
Look, cut your mom's trip short, and ask her to go back home.
She haff tried abeg.
In fact, plan with your siblings back in Naija that one of them is about to give birth and would need her help in the next 2weeks.
I hope you know when your step mom confirms what's going on and decides to deal with your dad, you will also probably lose the relationship you have with your half siblings.
Everyone will believe it was all a planned job.

Mom is staying with me while she is visiting. She and dad have told me to stay out of it, but they are doing it in my house. I have not told my stepmom or her children (my siblings here) but of course she found out like most women when your husband starts acting different and she saw shopping receipts. She even mentioned my name, saying that her children and I are disappointed although I have not told them about it. She knows I would be disappointed. It's possible she might think this was what my mom and I planned.

pickabeau1:
where does mum live..c an you move her out

i feel bad for your step mom who will feel u orchestrated this crap

Nairalanders, please I need your advice with this situation. My mom is cheating WITH my dad who she never married, and there is a married chief who she is also having affair with for companionship. My dad broke off their engagement over 30 years ago to marry his other girlfriend when they both moved to the US, even though my mom was pregnant with me in Nigeria. My mother went on to marry someone else but the relationship was abusive, the whole 9 yards. Later my dad brought me to live with him and my stepmother and children in the US. My stepmom raised me, and my mom occasionally communicated with me by letter over the years. Over 15 years later she and I reconnected. At some point my dad started seeing her a few years ago when he visited Nigeria but they didn't tell me. By that time mom's husband (who she has my other siblings with) had already abandoned her for other women and he had other children. But my mom and dad were not straight forward about what was now going on between them. Dad just mentioned that mom had forgiven him for leaving her (for years they were not on good terms and she had blamed him for why her marital situation was the way it is). Now I brought my mom to the US and when she arrived my dad started coming to my house everyday to see her, kissing and all that in front of my children who begin to question me because they know my stepmom. He takes my mom out for many hours and overnight. I told her I disapprove - he is married to someone else and mom is not planning to leave the married chief either. I have told her many times that I wish she would remarry and have her own husband but she says the Catholic church won't approve and that at her age most men are all married. Not long after, without even asking me, my dad stayed overnight in bed with mom at my house. It was then I decided to put my foot down. With all the godly principles my dad raised his children with and how he pride himself on not being like other men and being well-educated, he is now trying to justify his affair with mom by saying they can make it mutual between them, referring to polygamy in the Old Testament and what even some bishops are doing, that it's not unheard of in our culture, that it's only not legalized yet in the US. He even said he doesn't believe the Bible the same way he used to. This has exploded into a fight like never before between my dad and my stepmom, and it has caused a fight between my mom and I. Everyday my mom is gloating to her sister on the phone and to me about how serious dad is about her again, now that she is in the same country with him. She says my stepmom and anyone who doesn't like it can go to blazes. I never knew my mom was like this - just unremorseful about adultery. I have pleaded with her. She seems to think it's not a big deal and uses the excuse that she didn't ask to be abandoned by the men and that she never loved any man the same way as she loves dad. I then politely asked them to stop their acts of affection in my home, in front of my children or next time she comes, dad can get her a place where they can do what they want, and that they should not expect me to go along with it. Later in another argument about their continuing to see each other at my house, I told mom she was being self-centered, acting entitled, not caring for her grandchildren since she arrived here, and never satisfied even when I'm sacrificing for her. She started fighting me, blasted everything I have done for her, said she rejects me as her child, and told my siblings back home not to call her my mother, and she cursed at me and my children. When dad came she acted like a victim and arrogantly said she will go out with him and have him visit her anytime. She's out with him everyday and he's acting like her knight in shining armor for everything she asks for, you would think he brought her here. My siblings back home said mom is like that and talks to anyone anyhow when upset, they are used to it, and that I should apologize to her. She and dad has shifted blame to me and made the focus on how I talked back to her. She is still acting like a victim and not talking to me. Dad says I should apologize and that she might not come back to me again. I feel its dad's fault, too. I didn't bring her here for him or for this drama and stress. Can't they at least respect my wish that I don't want to be a part of this, I don't want this in my house? What to do in this case, please?

*I apologize for this really long post.

Nairalanders, please I need your advice with similar situation. The difference here is that my mom is cheating WITH my dad who she never married, and there is a married chief who she is also having affair with for companionship. My dad broke off their engagement over 30 years ago to marry his other girlfriend when they both moved to the US, even though my mom was pregnant with me in Nigeria. My mother went on to marry someone else but the relationship was abusive, the whole 9 yards. Later my dad brought me to live with him and my stepmother and children in the US. My stepmom raised me, and my mom occasionally communicated with me by letter over the years. Over 15 years later she and I reconnected. At some point my dad started seeing her a few years ago when he visited Nigeria but they didn't tell me. By that time mom's husband who she has my other siblings with had already abandoned her for other women and he had other children. But my mom and dad were not straight forward about what was now going on between them. Dad just mentioned that mom had forgiven him for leaving her (for years they were not on good terms and she had blamed him for why her marital situation was the way it is). Now I brought my mom to the US and when she arrived my dad started coming to my house everyday to see her, kissing and all that in front of my children who begin to question me because they know my stepmom. He takes my mom out for many hours and overnight. I told her I disapprove - he is married to someone else and mom is not planning to leave the married chief either. I have told her many times that I wish she would remarry and have her own husband but she says the Catholic church won't approve and that at her age most men are all married. Not long after, without even asking me, my dad stayed overnight in bed with my mom at my house. It was then I decided to put my foot down. With all the godly principles my dad raised his children with and how he pride himself on not being like other men and being well-educated, he is now trying to justify his affair with my mom by saying they can make it mutual between them, referring to polygamy in the Old Testament and what even some bishops are doing, that it's not unheard of in our culture, that it's only not legalized yet in the US. He even said he doesn't believe the Bible the same way he used to. This has exploded into a fight unlike never before between my dad and my stepmom and it has caused a fight between my mom and I. Everyday my mom is gloating to her sister on the phone and to me how serious my dad is about her, now that she is in the same country with him, and she says my stepmom and anyone who doesn't like it can go to blazes. I never knew my mom was like this - just unremorseful about adultery. I have pleaded with her. She seems to think it's not a big deal and uses the excuse that she didn't ask to be abandoned by the men and that she never loved any man the same way as she loves dad. I then politely asked them to stop their acts of affection in my home, in front of my children or next time she comes, dad can get her a place where they can do what they want, and that they should not expect me to go along with it. Later in another argument about their continuing to see each other at my house, I told mom she was being self-centered, acting entitled, not caring for her grandchildren, and never satisfied even when I'm sacrificing for her. She started fighting me, blasted everything I have done for her, said she rejects me as her child and told my siblings back home not to call her my mother, and she cursed at me and my children. When dad came she acted like a victim and arrogantly said she will go out with him and have him visit her anytime. She's out with him everyday and he's acting like her knight in shining armor for everything she asks for, you would think he brought her here. My siblings back home said mom is like that and talks to anyone anyhow when upset, they are used to it, and that I should apologize to her. She and dad has shifted blame on me and made the focus on how I talked back to her and she is still acting like a victim and not talking to me. Dad says I should apologize and that she might not come back to me again. I feel its dad's fault, too. I didn't bring her here for him or for this drama and stress. What to do in this case, please?

*I apologize for this really long post.

Asiri is definitely a Yoruba word. Most Yoruba words you can break it down to the etymology (unless it's such an ancient Yoruba word that the breakdown is not known and in that case there is usually no other word for it Yoruba). In Yoruba asiri means something that was lifted to uncover, to see. As in something that was covered and the covering was lifted to discover something. A - something, si - lifted/opened, ri - to see/discover/uncover. How the other languages got the same word to mean secret, I don't know, but can they break down the etymology in their own langauge and is there no other word in their language for secret?

macof:
I just don't believe "Asiri" as yoruba say it came from another language.

saintdennis:
I'm not happy with his dress code... well it's traditional. Coool! BUT it's 2016 Africa's PR needs to change from being seen as a backward continent.
I don't need to upload thailand Japan Korean kings outfits during events/visits to the west.
Even the Arabs dress normal Arab dress code without using staffs, praise band etc
Look @ sanusi d other time in u.k with his daughters, was dressed like a masquerade.
Even the queen n princes of England ONLY dress in royal regalia on select occasions. Usually to mark some annual celebration or something.
See as he's holding d staff like it has any effect 4 obodo america.

In business affairs he dressed western (what you're referring to).  Now he is a king. He is a Yoruba king. The Japanese, Korean and Arab you mentioned, in their culture it might not matter in terms of daily royal dressing and treatment with royal entourage, but that is not how the Yorubas treat their kings. I think this king's accomplishments speak for itself, regardless of your preference for his dressing, and that is why they have chosen to honor him and invited him. How is traditional wear and royal regalia backwards? He is a king. He doesn't owe anyone to dress differently from his culture to suit another culture. You can see him as a businessman and still respect his cultural rights as a king. I guess some people don't really know what royalty means in 2016.

Chai!!! See JEALOUSY!

mystic70563:
bullshit tradition...











PROUDLY IGBO

@ Shinatu

Sorry I haven't been back to the post to reply you earlier. To find the best moisturizer without petrolatum or mineral oil, you will have to read the ingredients labels on the products. As I mentioned before, I went to the store and checked out most all the well-known brands here in the States and they contained petrolatum or mineral oil. The only product I saw that did not was Johnson's Body Care Forever Fresh Refreshing Lotion. I purchased it and when I used it, I found that my skin felt dry again after a few hours. I really think this had to do with the papaya kojic acid soap that I was using at the time (because kojic acid can really dry the skin, and its important to find a really hydrating moisturizer when using kojic acid products). I think the Johnson's lotion would have been perfect if I didn't need a more intense moisturizer at the time. Also, I like the smell of the lotion - soft, clean, floral, powdery smell, not heavy at all. I would say shea butter is a good moisturizer. Search at stores that sell natural products or online to find shea butter. Burt's Bees is another brand that has natural products and lotions and moisturizers that do not contain petrolatum. Hope that helps.

I think the problem is that many black people living outside the United States are not educated enough about protecting their skin/skin color. My natural skin complexion is golden caramel. When I lived in Nigeria it became pecan brown. Then I moved to the US and I regained my natural complexion, especially during the fall/winter season here when it's cooler. Over the years as I went out in the sun here in the US and did not use sunscreen (b/c to my family it's as if sunscreen is only for white people), I became darker, especially in the summer heat. About three years ago, I started using Clear Essence Body Complexion Creme to try to regain my natural complexion and to even out some dark areas. This creme contained 2% hydroquinone which is generally the over-the-counter allowance considered safer here. It really worked to lighten my skin but after a few months my skin redarkened even more than before, even though I used sunscreen. And as with any products for skin lightening, or even bleaching, sunscreen is a must! The higher the spf number on the sunscreen, the better to protect from UVA and UVB rays. I noticed that many people have said that hydroquinone products makes the skin redarken after a while, too. And if I should have any blemish, it will only darken it more than when I was not using the Clear Essence. I have read that this redarkening is due to the hydroquinone. PLEASE, DO NOT USE PRODUCTS WITH HYDROQUINONE. It is the leading ingredient, with high concentration, in skin bleaching products.

We have to get used to reading the labels and ingredients on the products we use for our skin. ALSO, products that make the skin to redarken easily in the sun are any products with PETROLATUM or MINERAL OIL (and it's so sad because many of us grew up using vaseline! - because it is cheap!) Many lotions, I was surprised to see the other day I went to the store to look for a good moisturizer, contain petrolatum or mineral oil - because its cheaper for the company to use. Petrolatum and mineral oil not only make the skin get darker in the sun, but in the long run it is not healthy for the skin - it only provides a temporary relief acting as if it moisturizes the skin. I stopped using the products with hydroquinone when I found out that it is toxic and can damage the liver. It is only recommended for use for no more than 3 months and then it must be stopped. In Europe all products with hydroquinone are banned - illegal because of its dangerous effect on people - toxicity damage to the liver and ochronosis.

Well, then I thought how do I regain my natural skin complexion if I can't use even the 2% hydroquinone product? I did my research thoroughly and found some products that work and also have a longer effect than products with hydroquinone. ALL NATURAL lightening products. How else would the celebrities do it? Do you really think they will use dangerous toxic chemicals on their body?! The best natural product is KOJIC ACID. It has been so effective! I use the papaya kojic acid soap. There are also the the licorice extract soap, the glutathione soap, and their lotions and creams. Using the soap and the lotion and/or cream will give maximum results. There are also glutathione pills. Some people have said the pills are even more effective than kojic acid, but I don't like taking pills, so I prefer using soap and lotion, which is like your regular daily routine, anyway. No hassel.

ALWAYS use sunscreen from head to toe, at the very least a sunscreen with spf 30 several times a day! (The higher the spf, the better)
Avoid the sun as much as possible. Wear loose, long sleeve clothing, wide brim hats, and sunglasses if necessary.
The products I currently use above are exfoliating products and can dry the skin, a very intensive moisturizer (without petrolatum/mineral oil) would be helpful.

AND I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH! - DRINK LOTS AND LOTS OF WATER!!!
Forget the juices and sugar beverages. If you don't like drinking water, DRINK IT! You will get used to it.

I think the problem is that many black people living outside the United States are not educated about protecting their skin/skin color. My natural skin complexion is golden caramel. When I lived in Nigeria it became pecan brown. Then I moved to the US and I regained my natural complexion, especially during the fall/winter season here when it's cooler. Over the years as I went out in the sun here in the US and did not use sunscreen (b/c to my family it's as if sunscreen is only for white people), I became darker, especially in the summer heat. About three years ago, I started using Clear Essence Body Complexion Creme to try to regain my natural complexion and to even out some dark areas. This creme contained 2% hydroquinone which is generally the over-the-counter allowance considered safer here. It really worked to lighten my skin but after a few months my skin redarkened even more than before, even though I used sunscreen. And as with any products for skin lightening, or even bleaching, sunscreen is a must! The higher the spf number on the sunscreen, the better to protect from UVA and UVB rays. I noticed that many people have said that hydroquinone products makes the skin redarken after a while, too. And if I should have any blemish, it will only darken it more than when I was not using the Clear Essence. I have read that this redarkening is due to the hydroquinone. PLEASE, DO NOT USE PRODUCTS WITH HYDROQUINONE. It is the leading ingredient, with high concentration, in skin bleaching products.

We have to get used to reading the labels and ingredients on the products we use for our skin. ALSO, products that make the skin to redarken easily in the sun are any products with PETROLATUM or MINERAL OIL (and it's so sad because many of us grew up using vaseline! - because it is cheap!) Many lotions, I was surprised to see the other day I went to the store to look for a good moisturizer, contain petrolatum or mineral oil - because its cheaper for the company to use. Petrolatum and mineral oil not only make the skin get darker in the sun, but in the long run it is not healthy for the skin - it only provides a temporary relief acting as if it moisturizes the skin. I stopped using the products with hydroquinone when I found out that it is toxic and can damage the liver. It is only recommended for use for no more than 3 months and then it must be stopped. In Europe all products with hydroquinone are banned - illegal because of its dangerous effect on people - toxicity damage to the liver and ochronosis.

Well, then I thought how do I regain my natural skin complexion if I can't use even the 2% hydroquinone product? I did my research thoroughly and found some products that work and also have a longer effect than products with hydroquinone. ALL NATURAL lightening products. How else would the celebrities do it? Do you really think they will use dangerous toxic chemicals on their body?! The best natural product is KOJIC ACID. It has been so effective! I use the papaya kojic acid soap. There are also the the licorice extract soap, the glutathione soap, and their lotions and creams. Using the soap and the lotion and/or cream will give maximum results. There are also glutathione pills, but I don't like taking pills, so I prefer using soap and lotion, which is like your regular daily routine, anyway. No hassel.

ALWAYS use sunscreen at the very least one with spf 30 several times a day! (The higer spf, the better)
Avoid the sun as much as possible. Wear loose, long sleeve clothin, wide brim hats, and sunglasses if necessary.
The products I currently use above are exfoliating products and can dry the skin, a very intensive moisturizer (without petrolatum/mineral oil) would be helpful.

AND I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH! - DRINK LOTS AND LOTS OF WATER!!!
Forget the juices and sugar beverages. If you don't like drinking water, DRINK IT! You will get used to it.