₦airaland Forum

flow1759:
“Flow now wey your man don win election as president, wetin you go do for all of us na?” Bush shaker asked at GBS one afternoon.


“me? Wetin I go do?” I said.

“yes na? wetin you go do for us na?” Godwin said.

“all of una dey crase oh! Shey Buhari na my Papa?”

“You no go celebrate am?” Fix Something said.

“I go celebrate am na!”

“I wan celebrate am with my birthday, after inauguration!” I said.

“which one be inauguration again?” Junior asked.

“Inauguration na when Inno get Ogo wey be like decoration” Snow explained.

I so much loved Snow's explanation; just that Innocent the younger brother to Utoro was “Ogoless”, His head was as flat as my Nursery black board.

“But Inno no get Ogo na?” A f’oolish Junior asked.





Talk of the devil, then came the devil’s elder brother.

“Utoro doro dey! Good evening sir!” Fix Something hailed.

“eeh! My people! How una dey?”

I know by now you are wondering why Fix Something greeted Utoro as "Sir", Well it is simply because Fix Something at 32, Utoro was old enough to be his father.

Yet he mingled with boys and girls younger enough to be his sons and Daughters.



Daughter! Utoro’s daughter was out of this world.

goddess from up above!

Black berry!

The type Tupac called, “the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice, the darker the flesh the deeper the roots”


I will never forget the day I paid Utoro an unwarranted visit just to see his daughter again.

If you see a tattoo in my palm, know it is as a result of what happened the day i visited.


I sat outside admiring the breathtaking beauty of the backside of Nse Utoro’s daughter while she cooked outside.

Whenever she bent down to blow air into the fire, I strained my neck to just get a glimpse of what she wore inside, just a glimpse and nothing more, save Utoro noticed where my eyes were focused and planked my head as he planked Fix something’s on Christmas day because he saw him hugging his daughter in the dark.


The Afang soup she warmed was done and it remained to bring down the pot from the fire.

“Don’t worry Nse, I will help you” I offered, “such a beautiful girl like you shouldn’t be doing that yourself”

I no know who send me message oh.

“use the rag!” She offered me a rag.

“never mind, I carry hot things with bare hands, and they wouldn’t hurt me” I said.

“my hands are made of leather” I teased.

Even leather is burnt when a certain amount of hotness comes in contact with it.

My rather dull brain told me that since it wasn’t some 10 minutes she place the pot on the fire, the pot handle might not be that hot, and since I had been practicing carrying a pot down on bare hands at home whenever I cooked Noodles, I could also do it for Nse who I claimed to crush on.


“don’t hurt yourself!” She warned, “use the rag!”

“never mind! I can do it”


Like my brain contained salt water, I walked to the fire stand, and like an “Ewu Gambia” I stretched out my hand to grab the pot handle.



“wooop!” I thought I saw my hand melted.

As a big boy, I no wan f’uck up, because na Bleep up if say tears comot for my eyes. So I pretended the pot was as cool as ice.
M

“comot for road!! Comot for road!!” I rushed to where she said I should keep the pot.

“not there! Its here!” She pointed at a place farther.


Like plastic in fire, I saw my hands melted after I dropped the pot.

What a life sef?


“sorry oh! Sorry!” Was all that ended it, she couldn’t even give me a taste of the Afang Soup she warmed, or called me aside and gave me a taste of the Afang soup warming in between her legs. Or better still, offered me both as an award for my f'oolishness.



Utoro had never stopped to sing song of praises that his three daughters are all v’irgins.

I oftentimes told him I was a v’irgin too, that if me and her daughter Nse marries, our Honeymoon will be in V’irgin island, and our first child will be a girl, we will name her V’irginia……… And I think I will take V’iagra that night before having sex with her to add to the Vs.













“una dey hear wetin dey happen for this Nigeria so?” The Information Minister said.

Utoro is our information minister, no gainsaying that. He oftentimes feed us with more wrong information that right ones.


“them wan plan to kill Buhari oh” He said, “Them wan poison am!”

That was like a fire to my spirit.

“you say wetin?” I was by the day becoming a fanatic to the man Buhari.

“who wan poison am?”

“na Jonathan and Obasanjo na”

What combination?

Like pouring a handful of sand into a cup of Ijebu Garri.

“Utoro you dey talk nonsense oh!” Bush shaker said.

No respect to a man old enough to be his father. Well, Utoro caused it all, “when an elder allows little children to play with his s’crotum, he should expect that someday they will demand it for meat” goes an adage.

Na me form that adage wey I just blow so oh. I just form am now-now. Creativity things na!




“I no know why you sabi pass wrong information oh!” Snow said, "where you dey get them this information from sef"

“ne true I dey tell una na, I read am for paper this morning” Utoro said

“na lie abeg!” Bush Shaker said.

“see, I know say I dey sabi give una wrong information, but this one na correct information, I swear!”


My fellow parliamentarians rained abuses on Utoro, but I did not join them because I was sure I might as well be insulting my father in-law to be.

Junior too did not join them. Maybe because Utoro's wife sold groundnut to him for free. Or maybe not.



“Flow! You go follow me go church this evening?” Junior asked

Since I really needed Jesus lately, and since the request came from a first class sinner like Junior, I answered saying “yes!” without thinking.

“na by 5, e go soon start” Junior said, “make we go dey prepare na”

As we walked home to get prepared for church, it instantly dawned on me that Junior is a Jehovah’s Witness, and we were going to a Kingdom hall.


A church I never liked.