₦airaland Forum

Back then in my primary school, I was the chief head of class A.k.a Headboy. No be that kain Headboy wey dey your mind so, it's not the prefect own... I be olodo, always backing the class up in their positions at the end of every term.
Timix na my partner, the id!ot no Sabi book but based on say my brain na akamu and hin own na indomie, my olodo thick pass hin own. Anytime I carry 64 out of 64, Timix dey always dey my front, with 63 out of 64.
If eventually, Timix carries 64 out of 64, me I'll carry 64 pro out of 64. Our result never be the same at all, he always passes me in Yoruba...and me wey suppose dey pass am in Igbo, I proudly fail the subject woefully. Forget, I was proud of my olodo then...e no easy to be olodo boy wey still get big yansh like girl. I was severely body shamed.
That wasn't the problem, the problem was my father. He always ridiculed me and my brainless brain. I'm always the talk of the compound every end of the term that I returned home. This became too much and I knew I had to do something about it, even Chinyere my crush dey always laugh me back then because of my father.
That fateful day, second to last day of third term, they shared our results for us and I carried my usual position, 65 out of 65. Yes we later turn 65, one new boy join us back then so my position con add plus one. Na Timix carry my 64.
Earlier that day, I spoke with Timix concerning how I'd face my dad at night and he said I shouldn't worry, that he had a plan for me. After they shared our results, Timix carried me to the back of our school, brought out his pen and miraculously changed my 65th to 2nd. I no know how he take do am, I no know how he manage copy our teacher handwriting but wetin I know be say, I carry second for class..for the first time in eight years!!
I had already created a story for my dad as to how I came second. He came back home that night and was so proud of me, I was happy, he was happy, my mother was happy... Even Mama Taiwo was happy.
Taiwo na my mate wey dey go another school. The boy Sabi book very well!! In fact he no dey read book, na book dey read am. While his mother was congratulating us, she asked my father if my school told me to represent them in an inter-state school quiz competition. My father said no... She went on to say that Taiwo was chosen with another girl to represent their school and my school is supposed to be aware because the competition na for all schools wey dey Lagos State.
My father wasn't happy, he expected my school to pick me since I did very well that term. He shouted, banged his hand hard on the table and complained that my school was partial. I tried to calm him down but this man no gree. Shey na him get the result abi na me?? Asin I was trying to understand if my father was a student of my school too?? Something wey he suppose forget, he dey shout anyhow.
When I became finished completely was the next morning. My father woke up early...(Ahh! Mama Taiwo, that thunder I said that should fire you back then, it will fire you again!)
My father woke up early, dressed up and went to my school to complain about why I wasn't chosen to represent them in the competition. This man no gree forget matter and I no go school that day, me wey carry 65 out of 65 ...I dey house. Na Timix be the dev!l for this story, this boy happily carried his 64 home.
My father later came back home that night with a sack of cane and Aboniki balm. Let's just say that what happened that night, made me understand that there are several ways to remove an olodo spirit aside prayers.

*FOOTBALL VS S*X*
1. *Going to ur boyfriend or Girlfriend's house without being invited = Offside*
2. *Dating a girl today and having sex on the same day = Free kick*
3. *Condom = Defender*
4. *Abortion = Red card*
5. *Condom breaks = Penalty*
6. *A girl with lot of energy = Captain*
7. *Having sex without condom = Own goal*
8. *Taking a lot of time without cuming = Man of the match*
9. *Sexing three girls in one day = Hat trick*
10. *Having sex with ur Ex = Friendly match*
11. *Eight years of sex without getting a child = Arsenal*
12. *After two rounds and u request for more = Extra time*
13. *Taking it gently when having sex = Fair play*
14. *Biting ur girlfriend's nipples = Suarez*
15. *Two legs on the shoulder = Throwing*
16. *Asking her "how do u want it?" = Taking instructions from the touchline*
17. *A lady using pills after sex and later she still gets pregnant = Defensive error*
18. *A girl getting pregnant = Goooooal*
19. *Having sex with ur girlfriend and ur mum opens the door = Injury*☹️
20. *A guy who impregnated the lady = Active striker*
21. *A girl telling u to stop = yellow card*
22. *Divorce = Barcelona and Messi*
23. *Awwwnsh, awwwn, more babbby, harder harder* *asssshh!..=dribbling in process*
*24..Ohhh yeeeahhhhh: =game over*
*
no be me talk ooo...

Just passing

Yoruba be like "babe my number is sero, hate, sero, sis, sis, for, won, tri, tri, for, hate.
That's my empty, hen, line
*
abeg nah joke o
b4 una kill me here

Back then in my primary school, I was the chief head of class A.k.a Headboy. No be that kain Headboy wey dey your mind so, it's not the prefect own... I be olodo, always backing the class up in their positions at the end of every term.
Timix na my partner, the id!ot no Sabi book but based on say my brain na akamu and hin own na indomie, my olodo thick pass hin own. Anytime I carry 64 out of 64, Timix dey always dey my front, with 63 out of 64.
If eventually, Timix carries 64 out of 64, me I'll carry 64 pro out of 64. Our result never be the same at all, he always passes me in Yoruba...and me wey suppose dey pass am in Igbo, I proudly fail the subject woefully. Forget, I was proud of my olodo then...e no easy to be olodo boy wey still get big yansh like girl. I was severely body shamed.
That wasn't the problem, the problem was my father. He always ridiculed me and my brainless brain. I'm always the talk of the compound every end of the term that I returned home. This became too much and I knew I had to do something about it, even Chinyere my crush dey always laugh me back then because of my father.
That fateful day, second to last day of third term, they shared our results for us and I carried my usual position, 65 out of 65. Yes we later turn 65, one new boy join us back then so my position con add plus one. Na Timix carry my 64.
Earlier that day, I spoke with Timix concerning how I'd face my dad at night and he said I shouldn't worry, that he had a plan for me. After they shared our results, Timix carried me to the back of our school, brought out his pen and miraculously changed my 65th to 2nd. I no know how he take do am, I no know how he manage copy our teacher handwriting but wetin I know be say, I carry second for class..for the first time in eight years!!
I had already created a story for my dad as to how I came second. He came back home that night and was so proud of me, I was happy, he was happy, my mother was happy... Even Mama Taiwo was happy.
Taiwo na my mate wey dey go another school. The boy Sabi book very well!! In fact he no dey read book, na book dey read am. While his mother was congratulating us, she asked my father if my school told me to represent them in an inter-state school quiz competition. My father said no... She went on to say that Taiwo was chosen with another girl to represent their school and my school is supposed to be aware because the competition na for all schools wey dey Lagos State.
My father wasn't happy, he expected my school to pick me since I did very well that term. He shouted, banged his hand hard on the table and complained that my school was partial. I tried to calm him down but this man no gree. Shey na him get the result abi na me?? Asin I was trying to understand if my father was a student of my school too?? Something wey he suppose forget, he dey shout anyhow.
When I became finished completely was the next morning. My father woke up early...(Ahh! Mama Taiwo, that thunder I said that should fire you back then, it will fire you again!)
My father woke up early, dressed up and went to my school to complain about why I wasn't chosen to represent them in the competition. This man no gree forget matter and I no go school that day, me wey carry 65 out of 65 ...I dey house. Na Timix be the dev!l for this story, this boy happily carried his 64 home.
My father later came back home that night with a sack of cane and Aboniki balm. Let's just say that what happened that night, made me understand that there are several ways to remove an olodo spirit aside prayers.

The girl I crushed on back in sss1 many years ago, never looked
at me for one day. Although I was intelligent but I noticed she didn't fancy me the way I fancied her.
I created many ways to approach her but it never worked out well. This girl dey always snub me and my letter... one time she threatened to report to our form teacher... Omo I almost lock up o but I continued after two days..no blame me, you sef suppose mumu pass me assuming say you see the girl back then.
I later got to discover from her friends that she was attracted to guys that keep their hair. And me back then, na lowcut I dey always barb, as per aspiring head boy. But after Dem give me this hint, I started planning a way I'd use to catch her attention. I decided to barb punk that year at the end of the year Christmas party, I go carry the punk come school..God punish am make she no freak for me...naso Timix talk after he don advice me to barb punk.
I imagined myself carrying punk and all I saw was an angel..ahhh, Patricia must to freak out.
I got home that day, happy... next three days was the party. I don budget to go material(my barber) shop go barb hair tomorrow. As I enter house, my family give me bad news...my grandfather died. I was sad when I heard the news, I was close to Grandpa..but wetin con make me confused na when my papa talk say we go barb our hair skin, say na family tradition.
I wasn't understanding, hoowww?? Na me die? How my hair take cause papa death? Which kain nonsense be this one?? Patricia nko?? Infact all my wails that day was in vain, I tried to convince both my parents that we can barb the hair after party but these cultists no hear.
To cut the story short, my papa call Mallam Bala the next day to come barb me and my brothers head. Mallam Bala na one retired farmer wey dey barb old men hair and na my papa personal barber... anytime my father returns from his place after barbing hair, we no dey on Gen..my papa head go turn bulb. That was who he brought to barb our hair.
Dem dey barb my hair with razor and water, I dey cry..as I dey cry, people dey sympathise with me, think say na Because my grandfather die, na why I dey cry.
I shamefully carried the hair.. sorry, head..hair no dey there at all. I shamefully carried it to school on party day and Timix saw me, my guy use style dey yab my hair but I no talk. I was stylishly looking around for Patricia, but I noticed she hasn't come yet.
Hours later, weather changed and rain was about to fall, everywhere turn dark and Patricia never come. We went inside the class to avoid rain and that was when Patricia entered, everybody start to dey hail am Because she fine, her dress fine, her shoe fine and her face fine. Immediately she stopped and said "ahnahn"..then everyone asked her what happened?
Patricia: is the school Gen on?
Everyone: Nooo naa
Patricia: but there's light shining at the back seat there
everyone : hahaha nah steve head o

*
nah small tin remain i for done kill my self

The girl I crushed on back in sss1 many years ago, never looked
at me for one day. Although I was intelligent but I noticed she didn't fancy me the way I fancied her.
I created many ways to approach her but it never worked out well. This girl dey always snub me and my letter... one time she threatened to report to our form teacher... Omo I almost lock up o but I continued after two days..no blame me, you sef suppose mumu pass me assuming say you see the girl back then.
I later got to discover from her friends that she was attracted to guys that keep their hair. And me back then, na lowcut I dey always barb, as per aspiring head boy. But after Dem give me this hint, I started planning a way I'd use to catch her attention. I decided to barb punk that year at the end of the year Christmas party, I go carry the punk come school..God punish am make she no freak for me...naso Timix talk after he don advice me to barb punk.
I imagined myself carrying punk and all I saw was an angel..ahhh, Patricia must to freak out.
I got home that day, happy... next three days was the party. I don budget to go material(my barber) shop go barb hair tomorrow. As I enter house, my family give me bad news...my grandfather died. I was sad when I heard the news, I was close to Grandpa..but wetin con make me confused na when my papa talk say we go barb our hair skin, say na family tradition.
I wasn't understanding, hoowww?? Na me die? How my hair take cause papa death? Which kain nonsense be this one?? Patricia nko?? Infact all my wails that day was in vain, I tried to convince both my parents that we can barb the hair after party but these cultists no hear.
To cut the story short, my papa call Mallam Bala the next day to come barb me and my brothers head. Mallam Bala na one retired farmer wey dey barb old men hair and na my papa personal barber... anytime my father returns from his place after barbing hair, we no dey on Gen..my papa head go turn bulb. That was who he brought to barb our hair.
Dem dey barb my hair with razor and water, I dey cry..as I dey cry, people dey sympathise with me, think say na Because my grandfather die, na why I dey cry.
I shamefully carried the hair.. sorry, head..hair no dey there at all. I shamefully carried it to school on party day and Timix saw me, my guy use style dey yab my hair but I no talk. I was stylishly looking around for Patricia, but I noticed she hasn't come yet.
Hours later, weather changed and rain was about to fall, everywhere turn dark and Patricia never come. We went inside the class to avoid rain and that was when Patricia entered, everybody start to dey hail am Because she fine, her dress fine, her shoe fine and her face fine. Immediately she stopped and said "ahnahn"..then everyone asked her what happened?
Patricia: is the school Gen on?
Everyone: Nooo naa
Patricia: but there's light shining at the back seat there

*
nah small tin remain make i commit sucide dat day

How ladies bath
1. They get to the bathroom and remove their towel.
2. they hold the wall and check if their àss is getting bigger, then use hand to press it to know if it still soft
3. They check if the breàst is still standing, then twist the nípple small
4. They practice those cràzy dance they can't dance in public (20mins)
5. They start singing Rihanna song then on the shower and peè on their body
6. Still singing Rihanna song while sponging their two hand if they get to their lap they changed to christian song.
7. Once they stop singing christian song just know they are washing their CPU
8. They use soap to rub their breàst and play with the breàst(20mins)
9. They on the shower and start singing Rihanna song again.
10. They wash their pañties
11. They come out of bathroom like saint with dirty towel
kaam pe

Me: Guy! omo I don tire for that girl
Guy: Who? Patience??
Me: Yes bro...that girl na rascaI!! she dey loud too much! she too dey shout! Any small thing, "Patience of Warri!!" "Patience of Warri!!!" "Who deeyyyyy??"... she go con dey tell me story wey I no ask am about oo, dey talk dey shout. nawa!!!
Guy: Hmph...so wetin dey your mind now?
Me: Omo na to end things with am ooo, I don tire. Sometimes I go dey wonder if na agbero or woman I dey date
Guy: So you don decide to end things with Patience of Warri?? *laughs out loud*
Me: You dey mad! Your father! *laughs out loud*... chai! you see as e dey sound abi? Imagine me and my babe dey walk and person go con ask am her name, she go reply "Patience of Warri!! who deeyyyyy??"...For my front ooo
Guy: *still laughing*
Me: Omo, abeg..this night I go tell am. Baby I don't think I can continue with this relationship.
Guy: Chai...I don already dey feel for the girl sha.
Me: That's how it is, bro.
{Later that night, while watching a movie}
Me: Hey, I want to tell you something
Patience: Ahnahn, babe wetin happen?
Me: You're still speaking pidgin, you promised me the other day that you'll work on speaking English more.
Patience: *laughs*...Sorry my love, you know say na pidgin I use grow. Oya, What's wrong baby? what happened? Did anyone made you angry today?
Me: Hmph... Patience, I...
Patience: Omo!! see as this man kee this guy, he no even smile or laugh. Baba no get heart ooo.
Me: Yeah, he's a popular actor. He always features as a villain in his movies. He's too wlcked.
Patience: Guuuyyyy, as I see am sef, I know!! the way he take kee this man! I just remember when my ex break up with me...omo!! l Chuk am knlfe ehhnn!! l stab stab am!!!
Me: Mmm?
Patience: You know say I get hot temper na...as I hear "we can't do this anymore"..ahhn!!! emi?!!! you wan break up with me?? Patience of Warri?!!! you no fit na...I quickly comot pocket knlfe stab hin soul comot. Who deeyyyyy?!!
Me:
Patience: Police almost catch me that year sef but I con talk say na self defense. We thank God sha. At least I've changed now, forgotten my past and moved on with the love of my life who's calming me down and teaching me proper English ..*holds my hands*
Me:
Patience: Ehen, you wanted to say something
Me: M...my love, W...will you marry m..me?

One event I'd never forget was when my mother said I shouldn't go out but I disobeyed her.
I was nine years old then, my mum was about to go to market and I was just waking up, around 2pm. Na by that time sef Uchenna one of my friend dey always bring out hin bicycle and we go dey do turn by turn.
So she warned me as usual that I shouldn't go out and if I do, I'll see pepper and all that, I was just nodding head but meanwhile I've already gone out and ride bicycle like ten times in my mind.
So she left, at first the holy spirit almost succeeded in making me obey her o not until I started hearing uchenna and my mates them laughing, shouting and arguing on who to ride next. Omo I jakpa from house and went straight outside to meet them.
I quickly claimed the third person that will ride and we stood in line waiting for the other person to come as usual. Body don dey sweet me and I wan show my guys them say I fit ride with one hand...you know na, all these styles.
I was standing and using one eye to be checking for my mother, but she never show face, I no even see her shadow. Then it reached my turn, I quickly jumped in and started riding asif na power bike I dey drive, e dey sweet me and they were hailing me too.
We were to ride to the bus stop and back to our gate. So na, I was riding and while I reached the bus stop, a bus stopped in my front and my mother came down from it with what she bought.
Our two eyes jam, I kukuma do her oyoyo with tears in my eyes and I helped her carry what she bought while I rode the bicycle back. When I reached, they were still hailing me but immediately they saw what I was holding, they con realize say wahala dey.
I told them bye bye and some were already pitying me while others were advising me to wear plenty boxers. My mother was still at the back... I rushed inside, wore like six boxers and knelt down while waiting for mum.
She came back home later and when she saw me on the ground, she calmly told me to go and bath that I was dirty..I was surprised Sha, because na back hand slap I suppose chop first before the main beating. I thanked her joyfully and pulled all my clothes.
While I was bathing, soap was already in my eyes when spiritual forces started wiping me...I couldn't dodge or run, na bathroom I dey and I dey naked... It was only God that saved me that day, all I could hear while I was been flogged was "next time if I say don't go out, don't go out!" Pia! Pia! Pia!

I saw posts online about Sperm cramps and people think they're joking. This is really sad.
They don't understand what we go through until they experience it themselves.
Imagine not being able to sleep at night, you try to close your eyes and force yourself to sleep yet all you do is roll around on the bed and groan in agony.
You don't where exactly the pain is coming from, your belly aches, your thighs are paining you, no matter how you keep your leg, it still feels uncomfortable. You try to cry but why would you?? Men don't cry! That's the societal conditioning of everyone.
You just go through your pains alone, for four days, hoping that the horror you're experiencing, will be over soon.
I did not even talk about the mood swings, feeling of vomitting, pregnancy scares and all other stuff.
Do you ever have that few minutes of your life where you pray to God to see your sperm perlod and promise you won't sIeep with your partner next time?? That is the worst 15 minutes of our Iife.
We men are really strong.. we just don't show it to the world like the other gender that gave us apple.
# cramps
# spermcrampsisre al
# giveusmoneyforc ramps
# Inogetwetintous edohashtag

*Me and babe preparing to go on a date*
Babe: Dear, I'm confused on what to wear...do you think this red gown will fit me better or the black one?
Me: I love the black one, it'd look so perfect on you. I'm already imagining it, God! you're so beautiful!
Babe: Hmmm...but it's the red one I like better sha. Is it not okay?
Me: That one sef will look beautiful on you just like the black one but I love the black one more.
Babe: It's the red one I want to wear though
Me: Okay babe, you're still gorgeous regardless. Mehn! I'm proud you're mine.
Babe: Hmmm...but you already like the black one more than the red one na. If I wear this red one now, my color will shine brighter and it'll match with my bag.
Me: You were the one who asked me to choose one na...oya just wear anyo...
Babe: You know what?? I'll wear the black one since you prefer it. Although I won't be happy in it.. *sniffs catarrh and walks back inside*
Me: Babe!! Babe!! Babe wait! you're getting me wrong!!
Babe: *ignores me and bangs the door*
{15 minutes later}
Babe: *walks out in the red gown*.. Babe, do you think I should pack my hair or leave it to fall on my shoulders??
Me: You later wore the red gown, I thought you said you'd wear the black one?... See how beautiful you look!! My God!!
Babe: *stops smiling*... You want me to remove this one and wear the black one??
Me: Am l mad Don't please. This one is even far better than the black one
Babe: You seee... I told you!!
Me: *smiles frustratingly*
Babe: So hun, my hair...packed or leave it long??
Me: Leave it long... You're perfect that way! Nna ehn! You're so beautiful!!
Babe: I don't like it long johr... there's this style of packing I want to do...trust me, you'd love it. I tried it inside the room and I couldn't stop staring at myself.
Me: Okay babe...long or packed, it won't still affect your beauty.
Babe: I just finished telling you how the packed one makes me look prettier but you still want it long...God!! Men!!
Me: Ahh!! But baby how?? I said long and you said you want it packed. I told you no wahala, you're still beautiful either way and now you're shouting. If you've already made your choice, why are you still asking me na??
Babe: Cos you're my husband and I want your opinion!! is it that hard??!
Me: I am giving you my opinion na and you're shouting... abi make I no answer you chai God!
Babe: You know what?? Let's just leave the hair long since that's how you want it. You don't care about what I want!
Me:
Babe *cries and walks back to her room then bangs door*
Me:
{30 minutes later}
Babe: *walks out smiling with her hair packed*... Babe, should I wear this golden color heels or the black one??
Me: Yes
Babe: Huh??
Me: Yes babe...*smiles in agony*
Babe: Yes for which one?? The gold own or the black one?
Me: Wow! wow! the shoes are fine
Babe: I know right?? *smiles widely*...The black one goes with my outfit and I lovvvvvee it a lot!! the golden one is just so perfect and I can't remove my eyes from it!!..so which one babe?? Black or Gold??
Me: CHIMAMANDA, THE SHOES ARE FINE NA!!! PLEASE, I BEG YOU IN THE NAME OF GOD, THE SHOES ARE FINE!!!

WHEN GOD SENDS HIS ANGELS TO BE WITH PASTORS
God: Micheal, you'll go and stay with Pastor James Green. Hold his blessings for two months, before you give it to him and the members of his church.
Angel Micheal: Bless you, almighty.
God: Kapal, you'll go down to Pastor Daniel Olukoya and stay with him. Hold his bl...
Angel Kapal: Ehn?? Please my Lord..change me! please. You can give me any other person except Olukoya, abeg father.
God: Why is everyone running from Pastor Olukoya?? I tried giving him to Gabriel, but Gabriel rejected and is currently with St. Andrew's Catholic Church.
Angel Kapal: Ahh!! Gabriel get sense!!! Please my Lord, please... I d..
God: I have spoken!!!! My word is final! You will hold his blessings for seven months, before giving it to him and the members of his church.
Angel Kapal: Chai, na that hold blessings own I dey dodge. *wipes tears*... Yes my Lord, Bless you almighty.
God: It's okay...you all may go now.
******
At Pastor James Green's Church in America
Pastor Green: Brethren, let's bow down our heads and pray to the almighty Jehovah. He is the king of Kings and Lord of Lords. Call him those names you know him with. Praise his name and your blessings will come to you through our guardian angel, Amen.
Angel Micheal: *sitting on church window and fanning himself with the heavenly handfan*... Peace and quiet, everywhere.
****
At St. Andrew's Catholic Church
Reverend Father: Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world, hear us O Lord. Glory be to the father, to the son and to the Holy Spirit...As it was in the beginning, now and forever more, Amen. Lord my God, send your angel to bless us in due time, Amen.
Angel Gabriel: This church too dey give me joy... I too like this church, thank you Father. *flaps wings, shakes his leg and continue smiling*
God: You're welcome, Gabriel. I wonder why Kapal was scared to go down to Olukoya's ministry. Let me see how he's doing.
****
At Mountain of Fire ministry in Osogbo
Pastor Olukoya: YOU PEOPLE ARE NOT PRAYING OOO!!!! I SAID MY FATHER!!!! MY FATHER!!!!!
Members: MY FATHER!!! MY FATHER!!!
Pastor Olukoya: ANYBODY HOLDING MY BLESSINGS!!!!!
Members: ANYBODY HOLDING MY BLESSINGS!!!!!
God: Ahhh
Pastor Olukoya: BE IT MAN OR WOMAN, ANGEL OR DEVIL, LET THAT PERSON DlE BY FIIRRRRRREEEE!!!!!!!
Members: DlE BY FIIRRRRRREEEE!!!!
Pastor Olukoya: I SAID RELEASE MY BLESSINGS AND DlE BY FIRRREEEYAYAYAYAYAYA!!!!!
Angel Kapal: oh lord . Into ur hands i put my soul

*Approaches a girl in a bar*
Me: Hey beautiful
Girl: *smiles*... Hello handsome
Me: I've been watching you for a while and I couldn't get my eyes off you, my name is Stephen Joel
Girl: *smiles harder*... Awwnn, is that's so?
Me: Yeah...what do you say I buy you a drink and we get to know each other, better
Girl: I don't mind
Me: waiter!! two moet chedon please...
Girl: Ohhh, I love your taste
Me: *smiles*....areyou single?
Girl: Fortunately, yes...and I'm fortunate cos I've met you now.
Me: *smiles harder*...na me dey toast you, na me dey blush
Girl: Awwwnnn...you beautiful boy
Me: *smiles and blush*
Girl: *rubs my cheek*
* Random guy walks in with his friend*
Guy: Cassandra, so this is what you've been doing behind my back??!!
Friend: Bro, calm down, calm down abeg
Me:
Girl: Ebube I've told you times without number, stop disturbing me!! stop it!!
Me: Babe, who's he??
Girl: He's my ex ooo...my ex that I left cos of how dirty he was and how he always treats me.
Me: Hmmmm
Guy: *tries to touch her*.. Cassandra, pl....
Me: *holds his hand*... Bro, please leave her alone...as you can see, she doesn't want to be disturbed
Guy: Chai God...you touched me??
Friend: Ahh
Me: l hate seeing men treating ladies this way, you're supposed to do better bro
Friend: Yeeeeeee!!!
Guy: Brroooooooo!!! comot for here, make I speak to my woman!!!
Me: She's not safe around you bro, how do you expect me to leave her alone
Girl: You know what, Ebube just leave! please leave!!
Guy: *still standing and looking at her*
Me: *pushes him*.... please leave bro, you heard her. She's beginning to feel uncomfortable.
Friend: Bro abeg, abeg make we dey go... free the barnie
Guy: My guy, call your mama today, tell am say you love am cos I promise you, you no go reach house today!!!...*leaves with his friend*
Me: It's this kind of life and baseless threats that made her leave you, bro. you're supposed to do better...I hope you will.
Girl: Goooooodd!!! that guy irritates me!!
Me: It's okay dear, it's okay...there are people like that
Girl: I know he loves me so much but I don't like the fact that he's in cult. Does he expect me to take a cult person home to see my dad??
Me: mmm??
Girl: Always wearing his black berret and yellow tie..any small thing, his guys will start hailing him 001, seven star general!!! Lord of the seven seas and other nonsense like that. Gosh!!!
Me (runs after the guy) broda broda abeg no vex nah play oo

LETTER TO MY LANDLORD
Dear Able Landlord, It's me victor, the tenant you gave double quit notice the other day. I don finally pack. Yes! I pack today. But e get small confessions wey I wan yarn you laidis:
1. Ireti your daughter don get belle! Yes you read that right, and na me give am belle... no vex!. The way e happen sef I no fit explain, e even shock her sef... we no plan am like dis. You be my fellow man and I hope you understand say na accidental discharge... e fit happen to anybody, but I promise say e no go happen again. I for like be ur son-in-law but you're a bad man. Yes!
2. Bingo your dog no lost, na chop we chop am!
I know say dis one go shock you pass bcoz we follow you search for am. No be only me chop bingo, we dey three. Me, your caretaker and one other hausa man. Oga LandLord, bingo sweet die!... I use am cook soup, cook rice, cook stew, even use am cook beans. Omo! the dog get natural oil for body... And i know say you go dey plan to lay curse on me, the curse no go work, bcoz I pray before I chop am. I know say I bad, but you see that your caretaker? na evil man. Him get liver collect the lion share despite say na me bring up the idea... can you imagine?
3. Oga Landlord, I know say when you
return from your journey you go dey find your keke. The thing be say I sell am dis morning. Money bin no too dey my hand and I suppose settle one or two agent for this new compound I wan park into, no too reason am.
The iron condemn man bin dey price am 25k but I say nooo. How I go sell Keke wey still dey in good condition for 25k? e no good na.
So Las Las I come add ur wheelbarrow make everything be round figure. So the iron condemn man come later pay me 30k for everything. Na the money I use transport myself, and na from there I go take cook soup when I reach.
I drop 2k under your door mat, so when you come you carry am hold body. E no good say I sell your property without dropping something, my conscience no go allow me rest.

*In my Secondary school ex class mates WhatsApp group chat*
Lanre: Merry Christmas everyone
Micheal: Happy Christmas guys
Me: Same to you
Kingsley: Guys, I've been thinking... It's been over 10years now we saw each other last. What do you think about us seeing tomorrow?
Evans: 26th right? E go make sense
Yemi: Yes, at least let's reunite and Celebrate Christmas. e don tey wey I see all of una
Lanre: eeishh.. I wish I could come but I'm taking my wife and kids out and I'd be using our car.
Uche: It's no problem, I'm currently not in Lagos but I'd fly down from Abuja. We really need to see each other.
Me:
Esther: Awwnn, it's lovely. I would have gone out with my boo yesterday. we planned on going to see my parents but it won't be bad if I post pone it just to see how you guys are doing. 10years is not 10 days.
Jude: Esther don turn big girl na... always snapping in front of mirror with her iPhone 11 pro.
Chisom: She's not the only one o...have you seen Kingsley's Instagram? Kingsley is over fresh and always posing with his cars.
Kingsley: hahaha....I plan to even use one and come to the reunion tomorrow.
Me:
Collins: You guys don't know how amazing this is. We'd meet and talk about our progress and failures in life.
Evans: Sorry I haven't said anything since, I have an appointment with my car dealer tomorrow...there's this car my mother says she likes. But then, I've been calling him to reschedule our meeting to Monday, let me hangout with my guys and chill.
Kingsley: If possible sef, we can all book our flights separately and come down to Abuja and have fun at Relax and Chill.
Me:
Ijeoma: Yeah! that won't be a bad idea at all...I agree.
Yemi: I agree too...we'd chill in both lag and Abj. Hold on guys, our head boy hasn't said anything. Stephen, where do you think will be better? Lagos, Abuja or Both?
Me: I won't be available tomorrow o... tomorrow is Sunday, I'm going to church to praise God for life.

*Me and Solomon living together*
{Me alone in the parlour, then Solomon comes back home}
Me: Bro, hwfa...see when you dey come back house
Solomon: Mtchew...*flings nylon on the bed and sits down*
Me: Baba wetin happen? Why your face dey like this?
Solomon: Mtchew, oga leave me
Me: Which one be leave you?? You carry bad mood enter house, I dey ask wetin happen, you say make I leave you. Talk johr
Solomon: You no go understand bro. Food dey?
Me: Food? Food dey when you comot??...*checks nylon*... We no get food for house, you go dey buy soap. Shey you wan baff the hunger comot?
Solomon: Hmph...guy this money issue don tire me. Mtchew. See as we big reach, we no get even garri to drink for house. Omo!!...*Lies down on the bed*
Me: Oga talk to me na.. na wetin make your mood dey like this?? I think say you comot go find work?? Gist me na
Solomon: I wan sleep bro...later
Me: Solomon!! Solomon!! Solo!!
Solomon: *sleeps off*
Me: Ohhh...na like this abi??...no wahala, carry on...*lies down on my own side of the bed*
{Next morning}
Me: *wakes up*...Ahh, Solomon don wake up comot already. He no even wake me or tell person say he dey comot. No wahala...make me sef comot my own.
*Enters bathroom to bath*
Me: e good as he even buy soap sef, at least make person dey smell nice as hunger dey wlre am....*hangs towel and starts bathing*
{My phone rings twice, no answer...then WhatsApp message enters}
Me: *still bathing*...Omo who dey disturb me like this??...*stopsbathing and opens WhatsApp message*
*WhatsApp message*...Solomon: Bro, sorry for how I take treat you yesterday night. Many things just dey my head, I dey really sorry bro. This no money issue don too much my guy. That yesterday wey I comot go work, no be work I go. Timothy carry me go meet one Baba like that for Osun. The Baba gimme soap say make I use am baff, if I baff finish l go run mad forever but my family no go lack money. Na the soap I carry come back so con dey think about am like that.
Omo this morning, I finally decide not to baff with am again. If we wan make this money, we go make am in a Godly way, no be for person to baff with soap con run mad. Who go con chop the money?

Me: jesussssss
*
abeg if u see any new mad man for una street nah me o

About two years ago something happened to my friend emeka
He got bliñd misteriously with out any explanation to the cause of the bliñdness
Today our neigbhour's wife was taking a showerwhen she
heard a knock on her door. "who is it?" she asked.
"It's me Emeka," my friend answered .
"Oh im coming, wait a second." she replied.
she wrapped a towel around her then openned the door,
Since Emeka is a blind neighbour, so she didn't cover herself very well,
she was nàked,she sat on the couch applying lotion.
"So, what made you visit me today? it's been a long time since i saw you, like two years ago." she said.
"well, i wanted to invite you to my party." said Emeka
"oh,what party!?" she asked
"I went for an eye operation and now I can see clearly."Said Emeka .
"Nice body,by the way

I like ur bwess
I am a Content Creator with Good Contents Appreciate me by like and comment

Yesterday I boarded a vehicle going to town.
I sat in front and spread my arms wide.
The driver didn't inform me that he would carry two people in front, so when we got to shoprite junction he stopped to call someone.
"Oga shift, na two I Dey carry for front." the driver said.
"Oga pilot, you no tell me this thing, I no dey shift." I responded.
"Oga shift, I no dey like rough play, everybody know as country be now, shift shift, shift abeg or I shift you." He said.
"Oga calm down, shift me as how. No worry I go pay for two seat." I had forgotten transport fare was now 500.
Mumu me.
"Everybody hear you now o. Make you no do anyhow o." He put the gear in drive and zoomed off.
I balanced properly and put in my earpiece and started enjoyingwho's your guy? Na only me walahi, see as we dey like beans and riceI was thinking of Dorcas.
I didn't know when we got to the junction.
I was still nodding my head and bubbling.
"Oga where your money?" he asked me.
I checked my pocket and that was when it dawned on me that there was no money there. I checked my other pockets.
I got out of the car, then I didn't find my wallet.
This is not good o, what can I do, what can I do?
"Oga can I do transfer to you?"
He called his account number, I sent the money, Zenith bank reversed it immediately.
They have caught me o.. Chai.
I am following the man to his house to wash his car and wash plates
which kin wahala be dis

WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF THE PRODIGAL SON SQUANDERED HIS MONEY IN THIS MODERN TIME
{The prodigal son cleaning the pigs body, then his master's friend, chukwuma visits}
His master: Ahh! Ahh Ahh!! Are my eyes seeing clearly??...Odogwu, kedu.. this one you visited me today hope all is well?
Chukwuma: *laughs*...is it a crime for me to come and see my own friend, ehn Nna? I came to check up on you
His master: It's not a crime ooo but you know it's been more than 5 months you came to my house, so don't blame me. *Laughs*
Chukwuma: You like trouble...*laughs out loud* How are you na, nna?
His master: I'm fine ooo, just here trying to make money as usual.
Prodigal son: *still cleaning pig*...good afternoon sir
Chukwuma: Yeah, hello. Good afternoon. *turns to his friend*...Nna, that person looks familiar, who's he?
His master: *laughs*..mtchew. Do you remember that boy that came to our town some months ago.
Chukwuma: No
His master: That boy that had big money na...that was even richer than us. That one that dashed Mazi chima 200 thousand
Chukwuma: Oh oh oh .... Ookkkaayyy!!! Jesus!! What happened!
His master: Village people...*laughs out loud*. The small boy spent all his money on drinks, food and women. When he lost everything, he decided to come and work for me here in my pig farm.
Chukwuma: Ahh!! Why didn't he just go back home??
His master: I told him same thing but he said he's scared of going back to his father. The money he was spending was actually his inheritance that he used force to collect from his father. Now he has finished everything and Bobo doesn't know how to face his daddy.
Chukwuma: Ahh...this is too sad. Nna ehn, children of nowadays!!
Prodigal son: *walks out of the pig sty and towards chukwuma and the master*... Good evening sirs, Oga I don finish.
Chukwuma: Nna, how are you??
Prodigal son: I'm fine sir
Chukwuma: How are youu?
Prodigal son: I'm getting fine sir?
Chukwuma: How are youuu?
Prodigal son: I'm fine sir
Chukwuma: You are a bad boy
Prodigal son:
Chukwuma: You are a very bad boy!!
Prodigal son:
Chukwuma: My friend here told me why you don't want to go back home to see your father. What is your name?
Prodigal son: R...Romanus sir
Chukwuma: Have you heard of Happivibe Services?
Prodigal son: No sir
Chukwuma: It's my company, I built it myself. A calling service company. We help people make calls to their loved ones, partners, relatives and whoever they want. We wish happy birthdays, make apology calls, love calls and so on at an affordable rate...the basic call is 1k...the premium call is 3k and the exclusive call is 5k. I make the exclusive calls myself.
Prodigal son:
Chukwuma: Why am I telling you this?? I want to reconcile you with your father. I will help you call him and talk to him this night...for free
Prodigal son: Thank you sir...thank you so much sir *drops pig sponge and bucket, falls down and starts crying*
Chukwuma: It's okay it's okay...stand up please. I just need his phone number, name and small details about what he likes. Once I'm done with the call, I'll get back to you.
Prodigal son: Thank you so much sir. God bless you
Chukwuma: Amen, God bless happivibe too, nna. God bless happivibe.
{Days later after chukwuma made the happivibe call to the prodigal son's father, chukwuma takes the prodigal son back home}
Prodigal son: *crying*...D...daddy
His father: Romanus?...nwa m
Prodigal son: Daddy I'm sorry...*sniffscatarrh and still crying*
His father: *runs and hugs him*...it's okay Roma, it's okay... Happivibe has told me everything already. You should have come back home na!!
Prodigal son: *cries on his father's shoulder*...daddy I missed you. *Sniffs catarrh*
His father: I missed you too, Romanus...*still hugging him*... Chu, thank you. God bless you, thank you so much.
Chukwuma: It's okay sir, it's my pleasure. I have to leave now. I'll visit some other time. *His phone rings*
Jonah: Hello?
Chukwuma: Yeah, hello?
Jonah: Am I speaking with chukwuma from happivibe services?
Chukwuma: yes sir
Jonah: Okay, my name is Jonah. Abeg I want make you help me call God...tell am say I no wan go Nineveh na, I no do again. I no want, Ahh...na by force?? How much for the call abeg?
Chukwuma: ogun punish u ijiot

HOW OMAH LAY WRITE HIS LYRICS
Omah Lay: Baby please talk to me, why? What's going on? Why do you want us to stop all of a sudden??
Jennifer: Stanley I've said it already, I'm just not feeling it again. I'm not feeling you, I'm not feeling us. Our relationship doesn't have that spark it did in the beginning.
Omah Lay: I understand babe, I understand but we can work things out. There are stages like this in a relationship, I read about it. I know how we can fix it.
Jennifer: You just don't get it, Stanley. It's over!! O.V.E.R, over!! Between us. This is the best solution right now.
Omah Lay: B...but I love you, Jennifer.. please *almost crying*
Jennifer: *opens door*... I know, but the love I have for you isn't just there anymore. Take care, Stanley. *Closes door*
Omah Lay: *collapse on the chair*...Ahh
{Two weeks later, Omah lay's friend, Terry visits him}
Terry: Guuuyy!! Hwfa!! See as you don thin!! Omo, na still because of Jennifer??
Omah Lay: *sips Hennessy*
Terry: Omo, guy that girl was a bad influence to you!! You gats comot mind from am. Do something else oga!!
Omah Lay: Mtchew
Terry: You know what??...*brings pen and book*...take, you be bad ass musician guy!! Who no sabi Omah Lay!! Stanley didia!! I feel say wetin go make you comot mind from this girl matter na to think of song to write. Any happy song abeg.
Omah Lay: Hmmm
Terry: Just try am, imagine say you dey honeymoon with fine babe, oya write my guy. Comot mind from Jennifer jare, she no worth am. As you dey write, dey sing so I go dey give you beat for the song.
Omah Lay: Hmmm...*collects the pen and book*
Terry: Oya
Omah Lay: *starts writing*...I'm rolling on your wheel now...
Terry: Maaadddd...naso!!
Omah Lay: *sniffs catarrh*......I'm drinking Hennessy now, I hope you see now...
Terry: Wait who? Why you dey sniff catarrh?? Na tears I dey see so?....*removesthe dark shades eye glass Omah Lay is wearing*... Guuuy!! Why you dey cry
Omah Lay:See you don burst my eye glass...
Terry: N...na mistake bro
Omah Lay:You don scatter my plans, See my eye I don prass, You put me for ambulance, See what you made me bltch, See what you made me be, See what you did to me, God save me please...... *Sniffs catarrh*
Terry: Na me you dey follow talk abi na Jennifer you dey talk about??
Omah Lay:....Cause the doctor said I burnt my liver, I've been drinking, Smoking cigars used to sing and play my guitar, Now I'm lost in this sambisa aaahh aaahh aaahh ...*Sniffs catarrh and clean tears*...Everything I do am, Everything way you talk I do am, Everything way you ask I do am...
Terry: Guy e don do e don do!!! Tears don wet the book finish, abeg!!...*quickly collects the book and pen from Omah Lay*
Omah Lay: *continues playing guitar*...See you don burst my eye glass...You don scatter my plans, See my eye I don prass, You put me for ambulance, See what you made me bltch, See what you made me be, See what you did to me, God save me please...
Terry: Omo God go save you guy, e don do, gimme the guitar.
Omah Lay: *cleans tears*... How the s...song dey?
Terry: E no make sense guy! I don tell you say make you forget this girl matter. We go redo another one later
Omah Lay: No, upload this one
Terry: Ehn?
Omah Lay: Upload am, make she hear am...make her conscience judge am. *sniffs catarrh*
Terry: Hmph...oya na, na you get song.
{2 years later}
Terry: Number 1!!! Omo!! My guy just go UK con fresh!! Omah Lay!! My number 1!!!
Omah Lay: *smiles*...my guy, hwfa
Terry: I dey as you take leave me o...you just dey give us back to back hits. You don even cut your dreads, bad guy
Omah Lay: *smiles*...nasona
Terry: How Sophia na?? She no follow you come?
Omah Lay: She dey fine...she break up with me last month
Terry: Omoooo, guy I'm sorry...and na just 5 months ago, you and Benita break up abi?? You con see Sophia con dey joke say she go take away the pains wey Benita give you
Omah Lay: you don see am na...*laughs sadly*
Terry: Na why you never drop song since be this?
Omah Lay: Yeah but I don come back now, e get one song wey I recently write. Na my beat producer, Big D, be this, I go release am soon.
Terry: Oh, nice nice...make I hear am
Omah Lay: Alright. Big D, abeg play the beat for that Soso song.
Big D: Alright boss....*startsplaying the song beat*
Soso take my pain away, Soso take my pain away...
Terry: *claps hand, 1..2*... Guuuuyyy, Omo!! *dances and claps hand again, 1...2*
Omah Lay:shibiri, shibiri, uh...They are talkin' shi-shibiri....Water no get enemy...'Til you fall for Oshimiri..
Terry: Word!! *claps hand, 1...2*
Omah Lay:I poto, poto my eyes, Ten shots, high rise, Touch God, I cry, Offshore, cut my Dreadlocks
Terry: *stops dancing*
Omah Lay:Girlie, me I don pray, maami.. I don break, commandment
Terry: Ahh God!! Mtchew
Omah Lay:Come and ginger me, Only you dey feel my pains...Give me vitamins wey go take these pains away...Soso, oh, Soso, Soso take my pains away...

*AGBERO WIFE*
Women can hide their true characters from you for years and you won't find out anything except what they are showing you.
When I was dating Dorcas', she was all meek, soft and tender like someone who can't hurt a fly.
The day I went for introduction with my family to my inlaws house to ask for their daughters hand in marriage, as tradition demands.
I was sitting with my family and in-laws too in their parlor when I spotted through the door someone who looks exactly like my fiancee pounding akpu outside.
I thought it was my fiancee's elder brother manifesting strength with such heavy blows and pounds in a big mortar filled with akpu.
But this person looks so much like my fiancee, same hairstyle. I was confused between the facial resemblance and strength that was used to pound akpu.
No, my Dorcas' can not be violently and aggressively pounding akpu like a bouncer in that manner. So I tapped my father inlaw-to-be and asked him, Daddy is that your son pounding akpu outside?
Father inlaw said "Noooo my son, that's my daughter, your wife to be. You don't recognize her again?"
I shocked, swallowed saliva and my jaw dropped.
"It's a lie." My eyes opened and i could feel my heart shifting to my neck.
"No, that's your wife to be." My mother in law added and I stared at her in disbelief.
I looked at my mother, my mother looked at me, my uncles who came with me that day- they all looked at each other before looking back at me again. Everybody was just looking.
I didn't say anything further and we continued with what we were discussing earlier concerning the matter that brought me to my inlaws place.
We were still talking when I looked outside again and saw somebody chasing a male fowl with bare feets. I didn't see the face of the person but i was hoping it wasn't who I was thinking.
But I stood up from my seat to take a closer look and guess what, my Dorcas' was the person chasing that fowl. When I thought it was a boy, my future wife was chasing fowl with all seriousness and stamina.
She chased a local fowl and caught it single handedly-on her own oh. Something I can't even do.
I turned back and looked at my mom and uncles again, they looked back at me without saying anything.
Even one of my uncles said "its well."
A week after we got married, nepa came to cut our light prior to accumulated bills of two months, while my wife and i were out of town for our honeymoon somewhere in Abuja- our neighbor called and told me about it.
A week later, we were back home to begin our lives as a new couple. My wife noticed we were the only occupants on our street without light.
Immediately, she walked straight to the electricity pole and climbed up to fix our light.
And guess what, she climbed the pole withoutt using ladder. And guess what again, she didn't use plier- she used her teeth to cut and join nepa wire and electricity was restored back to the house again.
River s people gave me an agbero as a wife

_____________INTHE CELL
***
PRISONER 1: Guy, wetin carry you come here?
PRISONER 2: Omo! na long story
PRISONER 1: Wetin happen?
PRISONER 2: I go smoke Igbo for the first time o
PRISONER 1: Igbo? so wetin come later happen?
PRISONER 2: I no know when I run enter station come begin twerk for officers o
PRISONER 1: So you no see bank or market? na inside police station you go dey twerk?
PRISONER 2: Na so my brother. Na so I take twerk enter cell o
PRISONER 1: Hmmm
PRISONER 2: You wetin carry you come here?
PRISONER 1: Omo na sh!t o
PRISONER 2: Sh!t?
PRISONER 1: Our soakaway been full since two weeks ago so I come begin sh!t for nylon come dey fling am throway for the next compound...
PRISONER 2: Wait, you do wetin? bros you get conscience at all? so wetin come later happen?
PRISONER 1: I don fling am successfully for like three days, not knowing say na DPO zinc the thing dey land.
PRISONER 2: You mean dis thing?
PRISONER 1: The fourth day own wey I fling, the sh!t go land ontop DPO motor. Na so DPO carry the sh!t for hand begin trace me come my house.
PRISONER 2: Wetin him do you?
PRISONER 1: The man use vex flog the sh!t for my head o, come begin beat me. After him beat me finish, him come give me ladder to take climb go remove all the sh!t wey hang for him roof... but as I climb reach up I come discover say na like 30 different nylon of sh!t dey there...
PRISONER 2: That means no be only you dey fling am
PRISONER 1: Exactly!
PRISONER 2: But you for tell am say no be only your sh!t dey there na
PRISONER 1: Omo I tell am o, but the man vex begin beat me again. Na so I take land here o
PRISONER 2: Hmmm Nawa for you o
PRISONER 1: Guy, you know wetin pain me pass?
PRISONER 2: Wetin?
PRISONER 1: Where I dey busy dey park the sh!t, na so another fresh sh!t from nowhere come land for the roof...
PRISONER 2: Chai
PRISONER 1: DPO say I go rot inside here

_______JOB INTERVIEW V
INTERVIEWER: So Mr Olaka Uka, I have read through your qualifications and i must say they are really impressive.
Olaka: Thank you sir!
INTERVIEWER: But your personal profile is what I'm yet to understand...
Olaka: What's the problem sir?
INTERVIEWER: AGE, you wrote "under 40"
Olaka:
INTERVIEWER: Is it that you don't know your age or what?
Olaka: I will recheck my birth certificate when I get home.
INTERVIEWER: LIKES, you wrote "Stolen chicken"
Olaka:
INTERVIEWER: DISLIKES, you wrote "My Landlord"
Olaka:
INTERVIEWER: HOBBIES, you wrote "Vawulence"
Olaka:
INTERVIEWER: Do you really want this job?
Olaka : Yes sir... I want this job!
INTERVIEWER: Hmmmm. The gender section of your profile is the worse, you were just answering rubbish!
Olaka : How do you mean sir?
INTERVIEWER: What is your sex?
Olaka: Sex is when a man and a woman remove their...
INTERVIEWER: I didn't say you should define, I said what is your sex as a human being?
Olaka: okay, Male.
INTERVIEWER: So why did you write "Missionary"?
Olaka : hia village people abeg nau

I will not forget what happened with my first girlfriend
My girlfriend always complain that I don't satisfy her in bed
I'm not a sex freak, I can go 20 minutes, 33 minutes max
I'm this detailed because I always time myself ever since she started complaining that I don't last in bed
She began by masturbating immediately after I cum so she can cum too. It was very embarrassing.
Next, she started comparing me with her ex'es, telling me how her friend's boyfriends last hours in bed, labeling me a 1 minute man.
No man wants to be compared to his lovers ex especially over his sex life. That's the worst thing you can do to a man, make him feel like he's not enough down there.
One day, she left her phone unlocked and out of curiosity I snooped
That was my biggest mistake
I read how she was telling her married ex that she misses him and his co*k, that no man has been able to match his prowess in bed and she wished he could take her and ravish her one more time
I was shocked
My first instinct was to hit her and push her out of my house and life like the ho* she is, but shame and the thought of her telling her friends and mine that I'm not good in bed or I'm a one minute man made me humble.
I dropped her phone and pretended like I didn't see anything
Immediately I called Yusuf
Yusuf is my gee. He's the baddest guy in the neighborhood. The kind of friend parents warned their sons not to be friends with and their daughters to avoid like a plague. A very bad influence and my best friend.
Yusuf was at my place in minutes
He gave me a concoction to drink.
Raw garlic mixed with banana, milk, groundnut and dates and some aboki herbs mixed with weed
He smiled and left
But fruits and weed didn't made me feel safe enough. I needed something strong to teach my girlfriend a lesson and dump her. I wanted her to suffer, so I went to the chemist near my house and talked to the guy there.
He told me about viagra, cialis, tramadol and agbojedi and asked which one I wanted, I asked for all. He screamed and asked if I wanted to kee someone's daughter.
I took all and left.
I went home and quickly took the weed, garlic, banana, milk, groundnut and dates solution and called my sexfreak girlfriend
Then I brought out all the pills and took all at once against the chemists prescription then I washed it down with agbojedi
In seconds I was sweating and my pen#s stood up like a military general. I had an erection like a horse and I felt like penising someone's daughter and breaking her waist. At that moment, if my erection hit someone's head it'll break the head.
My girlfriend entered and without wasting time I rushed her and carried her from the door and ran to the bedroom while she giggled and laughed like a hyena.
I threw her on the bed and in seconds we were naked.
I didn't even bother with kissing or handling her breasts. I just spread her legs wide and lowered my head between her legs
I needed her wet and dripping, so I brought my A-game.
I sucked and licked her between the thighs till she was trashing her legs and biting her lips in ecstasy
Then I climbed ontop her and inserted my fully erect 6 inches inside her and watched her eyes open wide with excitement and surprise.
Then I started pumping her up and down, left and right, front and back, sideways and all ways. By jove I fuc*k*d the living daylight out of her.
I was a sex machine. I did all the styles known to man. I hung her legs up and we did scissors, spooning, 69, non-penetrativemissionary, cowgirl, doggy, butterfly, Countertop, Soap ‘n Grope.
She kept screaming and shouting, "Oh daddy, Fu**k me daddy, tear it, destro.y it, Oh yes, yes, I'm cumming, should I cum, shoulaaaa, ooohhhaaaa ooohhh ooosshhh, Ooh la la. She moaned and cried in pleasure, and for the first time in our relationship she came before me.
1 hour later, and I was just getting started. I was still pumping her.
2 hours later, she started crying, and begging me to stop. The more she begged and cried, the harder I got and thrusted her even more.
3 hours later I finally came, roaring like a lion as I held the bed and squeezed my eyes shut. My goodness, the feeling... I had never felt like this in my entire life.
Quickly, in a flash, she pushed me, screaming and jumping out of the bed like she was being chased by demons. Then she ran to the sitting room with her clothes and I started laughing at the sight of her running away like a criminal.
I laughed and laughed, then after a few minutes, I was still hard so I decided to go and get her again for round two.
Today, she will know who's the boss, and by the time I'm done with her, I'll break up with her and let her know I know she's a ho* and she can go back to her married ex!
I got up and went to the sitting room, she was crying and shaking, and putting on her clothes, her hands were shaking and her legs too, infact she fell while putting on her clothes then she started peeping out the window maybe to know if the neighbors heard her screaming
'Baby, what's wrong with you,won't you come for round 2?' I teased while stroking my erect co*k
She ignored me like I wasn't there and very nearly bumbed into me, all the while acting like I was invisible. She went instead to the door, opened it, peeped left and right again and literally ran outside in lightning speed.
I laughed out loud again and then decided to call any available babe to come over, and as I walked back to my room to get my phone, I saw a shadow on my bed
Someone was sleeping on my bed
The hairs on my body stood and I had goosebumps all over
I walked slowly in fear and looked again at the shadow on the bed, it was indeed a naked man with a fully erect pen*s sleeping on my...
Oh my God...
What's this, it was not just a naked man?..
It was me!!!
I turned and looked in the mirror and saw nothing.
I screamed and disappeared

So this evening I returned from work and realized that our bedroom bulb stopped working. My wife was not home. So I decided to replace them.
When I got to the shop, I discovered that the white bulbs had added price. They were now sold for six hundred naira. I am not a fan of yellow bulbs. So I asked him to give me red bulbs instead. Those ones were sold for hundred and fifty naira. Since it was the bedroom, I wouldn't have any problem with it.
I returned and fixed the bulb and everywhere was looking red. It was just like a clubhouse, or bear parlor.
Then it struck me.
I decided to play a trick on my wife. I lighted candles in the bedroom. We had some old ones in the cupboard. So I formed a circle on the floor with them. I picked a fowl from the poultry behind the house and tied its legs. I placed it in the center of the candle.
Our bedroom was now looking like a shrine. The red bulbs made the whole scene even more colorful.
When I heard my wife's voice, I hid in the toilet and peeped through the keyhole.
My wife opened the door and walked in. She saw the red room. She saw the lighted candles. She saw the chicken. She dropped her bag on the bed. Picked some things from her box which I did not see and walked out.
This woman was not even scared. She did not even call my name to know where I was. I decided to make things scary. So I tied a red towel on my waist and ran back to the bathroom.
After hiding in the bedroom for a while without seeing my wife, I stepped out of the bathroom to search for her. That was when my wife was also entering the bedroom.
I quickly shut my eyes and started screaming.
"Alaganja Alaboma."
My hands were lifted high up like a ritualist.
My wife did not reply. I knew she was looking at me.
So I screamed even louder.
"Alaganja Alabomaaaa! King of darkness."
My wife did not even call my name.
I started wondering what she could be doing. I opened my eyes and saw my wife's hair covering her face. The red bulbs had turned her hair red. She was tying a black wrapper and holding two knives in her hands.
She was doing like a fish.
My heart skipped seven times.
Fear gripped me.
"Sankilabama!" She shouted.
"Wait honey, which one is Sankilabama? What are you doing with knife first?"
My wife started walking slowly towards me.
"Sankilabamaaa!O Goddess of the sea." She shouted again.
Just then, the rumbling of thunder sounded. The wind started blowing our curtains.
"Jesus! Honey stop this joke na. Which one is this one again? Small Joke I am playing with you, this is how you will be doing."
My wife did not answer. She kept walking slowly with the knives.
"Honey I will pour you hot water o. Stop this thing na. Please. I beg you in the name of Jesus."
"Sankilabamaaaaaa!" She shouted louder.
Nepa took light.
I started screaming and shouting in the bedroom. I was running and jumping close to the wall.
Then the light turned on.
The door opened. My neighbor's wife walked in laughing. My wife started laughing too.
It occurred to me that she was the one controlling the switch from outside.
Sweat covered my face.
I was holding curtain behind the open window.
"Oga Olaka"
"Mama Titus."
"So you the fear like this na im you wan come make your wife fear?"
"Mama Titus, na small Joke I say make I play with her. Na im she go carry knife."
"Praises I want to show you that I pass you in everything." My wife laughed.
"See let me tell you. It is these two knife that you carried o. If not for the knife you think I will shout?"
They all laughed.
I carried the fowl back to its poultry feeling defeated. She has not seen the last of me. I shall be back with another.
I just need better planning and a better trick.

*On the day of my matriculation*
Dad: Now that you've entered school, I don't want you to lose focus.
Me: Yes sir
Dad: Bad friends, women, cuItists, bad gangs, night parties, women again..my son, women again!!! Stay away from all these things.
Me: Okay sir
Dad: When I was your age, I was too focused to even notice these things around me. You should be like me, Stephen. Focus on your studies and you'll graduate with 5.0 CGPA like your father.
Me: Okay sir
Dad: I am very intelligent and I know you took after me. Don't just read to pass, read to learn like I did. It'd make you remember all that you were taught in school. There is no question you'll ask me now that I don't know, that's same thing I want from you.
Me: Okay sir.
Dad: Omekannaya!! Like father like son. I trust you
Me: Thank you sir.
{Immediately Jojofalaniwalks towards us with his mic and camera man}
JoJo: Good afternoon, daddy
Dad: Good afternoon
JoJo: Daddy, I just dey go around dey ask random parents questions wey dem go answer.
Dad: Questions?
JoJo: Yes sir, academic questions..so the young generations go see say our fathers and mothers sabi book till now e go con motivate them to also dey serious for school. Na the camera be that.
Dad: That's lovely, same thing I was just telling my son here. I was intelligent during my time and made my father proud, so he should also make me proud.
JoJo: Oh na your pikin be this?
Dad: *smiling proudly*...Yes
JoJo: Okay na, daddy, make I ask the question. Daddy, someone who treats and cares for our eyes is called what?
Dad: Cares for the eye?
JoJo: Yes sir, person wey dey help us recommend glasses we go use see well and also give us medicine so our eyes no go spoil...wetin dem dey call am?
Dad: *laughs proudly*... An Optimist
Me:
Camera man:
JoJo: Optimist na doctor for eye?
Dad: *smiles*..Yes
JoJo: Daddy, chop knuckle
Dad: *chops knuckle proudly*... because I don't look intelligent, doesn't mean I'm not intelligent.
JoJo: Naso daddy, you too sabi. *Looks at me*...Na your papa be this abi?
Me: noo.... Me i be orphan

*After sex*
Me: Jesus!! Wow!! *breathing heavily*
Girl: *smiles*...you loved it?
Me: Love? I enjoyed it! God you too sweet!! sorry, not you God...you, Josephina! Ahnahn!!
Girl: *smiles*
Me: I honestly didn't want us to stop! I enjoyed the way you rode me, held my mic, I enjoyed eating you whole!! I honestly didn't think Edo babe sabi this thing like this!!
Girl: *blushes*..oh please, Olaka stop johr
Me: I'm serious I swear! see how you set! see curves! when I was hlttlng from behind I was just admiring yansh. God finish work for where you dey! I don't understand how your ex boyfriend saw all these and still left you!
Girl: You even made me orgasm.. something he never achieved throughout our relationship.
Me: Omo that your ex no get sense ooo..big mumu
Girl: He's a fooI!!
Me: *wears trouser*... well, his loss my gain. Baba doesn't know what he missed and I just enjoyed it!
Girl: He's a big ldlot!!! An animal!!!
Me: Face the air my dear, shout at the air, insult him...he will hear you wherever he is! na mumu!
Girl: Ahh!! *hits hand on bed and gradually starts to cry while shouting*... Ahh Elijah!!!
Me: His name is even Elijah...fear those kain guys ooo, nothing dem sabi
Girl: *bites her finger and cleans tears*... Ahh!! Elijah you thought since you gave me HIV and ran away, I'll be depressed?? Hehe, see me na, another man still finds me attractive and loves me for who I am!
Me: H....H wetin??

*Goes to ShopRite*
Me: Shey make I still buy this body spray or leave am??
Timothy: Guy see this babe, see this babe!!
Me: Who?
Timothy: That one wey dey struggle to bring down that juice
Me: Guuuuyyyy!!!
Timothy: l sweaarrr!!! The back is backinnggg!!
Me: I dey come
Timothy: *laughs*...Change your ways guy!! We don comot university since 6 years now, but dem no fit separate you and woman.
Me: Woman na joy giver my bro...*laughs and gives him the cart then walks towards the girl*
Me: *easily brings down the juice from the top shelf*
Lady: *smiles and collects the juice*...Thank you. I was actually waiting for my mother to come and help me but she went to get oil from the other side.
Me: You know, why God made me too tall is so that I can be helping you at home bring down Maggi and other ingredients when we get married. Our heights compliment each other.
Lady: *laughs*... Really?
Me: Ahh, see how you look when you laugh. If I'm the one that starts laughing, I'II transform to a horse. I'd have said God is unfair but seems he knows what he did because he knew we'd end up together.
Lady: *laughs out loud*.. God I'm laughing so hard! You're too good. You do know how to make a girl smile.
Me: Well, I wouldn't want to just make you smile here, I'd love to be the reason you smile everyday and the first step to making that happen is having your number on my phone.
Lady: *smiles*...Awwnn, okay...090
Me: Hold on, *smiles and brings out my phone*.. okay, 090...
Lady: *calls out her number for me*
Me: Well I'll give you a call later today.
Lady: *blushes*...I'll wait for you. Call me in the midnight ooo
Me: Oh, I see you're a nightwalker like me
Lady: *smiles*... Yeahhh but that's the time I'm free from my parents cos they'll think I'm reading.
Me: Reading?
Lady: Yeah, they want me to read and pass junior waec since I'm entering ss1 next term. You know how parents are na. You nko, what class are you?
Me:fada lawd which kin wahala be dis nah?

Me: Guy see as I just dey yawn since morning, no food for house.
Solomon: And person no even get money, chai God
Me: Guy werin we dey do with our life?? What is our plan?? Me, you, Timothy, Modestus and others...wetin be our plan to go forward
Solomon: Omo person wey dey plan na person wey don chop abeg. Like this now, my plan na to chop food fess.
Me: Hmph, I'm too broke guy. Shi Shi no dey my pocket or account. Omo
(Immediately, my sister Theresa walks in crying)
Me: Theresa!!! Why are you crying Who beat you?? What happened??!!!
Theresa: Brother good evening, Brother Solomon, good evening.
Solomon: Good evening, talk to us..what happened!!
Theresa: *sniffs catarrh*... It's Emmanuel, we broke up today.
Me: Hmmm
Solomon: Mtchew
Me: Solo...
Solomon: *looks at me*
Me: Theresa, I thought you guys just finished settling another quarrel last two weeks.
Theresa: *cleans tears*...Yes brother but Emmanuel doesn't love me, what he did to me day before yesterday and today hurt me so much.
Me: You caught him cheating on you?
Theresa: No ooo, he's loyal but the thing is Emma never cares about me, never!! You know day before yesterday was my birthday
Me: Yeah, I wished you happy birthday na..even Solomon and Timothy sef.
Theresa: Exactly, brother!! Exactly!!...canyou believe that Emmanuel did not even call to wish me a happy birthday? Even yesterday, I said I will not call or text him and he didn't even call.
Me: That's not good na, he didn't try at all. As his girlfriend, he's supposed to even be the first person to wish you.
Theresa: Then he came to visit me today after ghosting me for two days. He came with a big teddy bear, smiling and singing happy birthday to me.
Me: Are you sure he truly loves you?? Or does he think it's by bringing teddy bear?? Here na Lee Min Ho country??
Theresa: I was just looking at him until he finished singing the happy birthday song. Then he unzipped the teddy bear's clothes and brought out 10,000 dollars, saying it's my birthday gift.
Solomon: *sits up*
Me: Wow!
Theresa: Before he could continue anything, I collected the money, entered kitchen, poured kerosene and burnt it to ashes, every single thing!! Then I ended things with him. What does Emmanuel take me for Does he think I'm a girl of gifts I want a man that gives me attention and quality time, brother!!! I don't care about gifts, I just want you!! Is that so hard to find brother Brother Solomon, Is love hard this way
Me: 10,000 dollars .....?
Solomon: To ashes
Me: bia theresa from today hence forth i have disown sorry i have disister u..... Idiot

Solomon: Bro you don hear about the reunion?
Me: Which reunion?
Solomon: The reunion na...our secondary school mates dey plan reunion for next month.
Me: Oh, I wasn't aware
Solomon: and you be our headboy ooo
Me: *laughs*..baba how many years now?? forget that thing jare. Besides, why dem dey plan reunion?? to come show off Abi wetin??
Solomon: I no know for them o... you dey go abi?
Me: Go where?? abeg abeg...so if I dey trek come, I go con see Ijeoma or Yemi for their Lexus as dem dey pack. for school gate. While others dey pack their car, na slippers I go dey dust.
Solomon: *laughs out road*... guuuyyyy!! no reason like that johr. The reunion isn't that expensive. You remember Tayo na, abi? yeah, he's the one organising it...we all just have to contribute 10k and he'd take care of any other stuff required.
Me: Omo...even 10k sef, I no get bro. You no dey see pap wey me and you dey drink now?? sugar dey inside??
Solomon: Guy stop this na...you suppose dey this hangout. You were our headboy for crying out loud!!
Me: Hmmm
Solomon: wetin be 10k?? me sef know say you get up to 10k, bro
Me: make I no lie, the money dey okay sha
Solomon: Yes na
Me: Tayo get sense...shey he just marry this January??
Solomon: Yeah, na sharp guy
Me: Oya na...I dey on board...but omo, I dey shame to see my mates them like this guuyyy!!
Solomon: Abeggiii...I'lladd you to the group chat this night
Me: Oya na, thanks boss.
*Later that night, I'm added to the WhatsApp group*
Me: Good evening, everyone
Blessing: Yayyy!! Stephen is finally here!!
Ijeoma: Steve, hi
Frank: Headbbooyyyyyy!!!
Tayo: Welcome bro
Me: *laughs*... How have you guys been?
Ijeoma: Fine oooo
Chisom: I'm okay, just here..my baby doesn't want to let me sleep
Ifechukwu: I'm good bro
Tayo: I actually wanted to call you this night, my guy but Solomon said he had already spoken to you.
Me: Yeah, it's no problem bro. He told me about the reunion. The money we're to contribute is 10k each, right?
Tayo: Yes bro... everyone said I should give them at least till next Monday to send theirs.
Me: Okay...which account are we sending the money to?? Send it, let me quickly send mine.
Tayo: You want to send the 10k now now??
Me: *smiles*...yes na, is anything wrong??
Frank: Headbbooyyyyyy!!!!
Michael: Guuy, show us the way!!
Blessing: I always knew you had a bright future, Steve. I'm still single though
Me: *laughs out loud*...wetin be this?? you all should stop this abeg...Asif say 10k na money
Ifechukwu: Ahh!! 10k no be money for Stephen side??.. Stevvooo!!!
Me: *laughs out loud*...stop na abeg. Tayo, send the account number please.
Tayo: Alright, thank you so much, bro. You have dollar account abi??
Me: mmm??
Tayo: Dollar account na..
Me: Dollar account for 10,000 naira??
Tayo: No..it's 10,000 dollars, bro...we're doing the reunion in U.S na.

*
2mins later
*headboy left the group*

Babe: Steve, I don't think I can continue with this relationship
Me: W...why? what happened, babe?
Babe: I don't know, I just don't feel your energy in it.
Me: I don't understand, love...what did I do??
Babe: You're too serious, you never laugh, you never play in our relationship...you're just always serious. I'm not enjoying it at all
Me: But baby, you know I...
Babe: I understand Steve, it's your character and I perfectly understand you. Ladies need someone who matches their vibe, Someone who plays with them, pets them, makes them laugh, always calls, playful, jovial, clingy, fun to be with..not just stiff...I want you to act like a child sometimes, you know?? we women love that....I shouldn't be the only one doing it everytime...that's the beauty of a relationship.
Me:
Babe: I'm sorry, Stephen. I hope you find the one for you soon....*walks out and closes the door*
Me: *cleans tears*..I understand what ladies need in a man now. *sniffs catarrh*
*Six months later, I meet a new lady and we start dating*
4 MONTHS LATER
Babe: Stephen, let's end this relationship.
Me: W...why?
Babe: I'm tired
Me: *cleans the makeup on my face*... Philomena, what do you mean?
Babe: You're too playful...my God! you act so immature, so clingy, you're always calling me for God's sake!! you act like a child, Steve, not like a man...not like my man.
Me:
Babe: You know sometimes, when we go out with my friends and you're always laughing and cracking jokes, do you know they always ask me if you are this playful?? Steve, tell me the truth, did you play at all when you were a child?
Me:
Babe: Cos I don't understand why a grown up man like you would be doing this!! You even wore my make up on your face today!!
Me: I...it's play na..I thought you'd like it and it'd make you laugh.
Babe: It's funny, but still immature. Stephen, be serious for once naaa!!!
Me: But I thought you people like us this way??
Babe: God forbid!! Abeg! Ladies love their men mysterious, don't give us too much attention, don't be too clingy, don't do all these things you're doing now...it's us that's supposed to be doing it everytime. that's the beauty of a relationship.
Me: Okay babe...I swear I can do it, I'm like that sef...that's my main character.
Babe: Lovely, you'd do it for your next babe in the future cos we've broken up like this, I can't be with someone like you.
Me:
Babe: I'm sorry, Stephen. I hope you find the one for you soon....*walks out and closes the door*
Me: *sniffs catarrh and cleans tears*...My breakup just be like deja vu...Women!! I know what they want in a man now.
*8 months later, on a date with another lady*
Me: So what kind of men do you like??
Lady: *smiles*... I don't know why you guys always ask this question, it's so funny *laughs*
Me: Nne don't blame me o, biko...e get why
Lady: Oookkayyy...*sips drink*... I like my men tall, muscular, dark, mature but not too mature, clingy but not too clingy, playful but not too playful, let him not sha call me too much but let him always check up on me...
Me: oya dey go ah no dey do again

*Most used words in Nigeria gather and argue about who's been used most by Nigerians*
E choke: *shouting angrily*...You people don't know what you're saying, do you know how many times these people used me?? Una no know wetin I pass through!! So spare me this nonsense argument...e no suppose be argument at all, na me Nigerians use pass!!
Japa: See as you dey shout like say true true na you win the award. When I'm here?? Do you know what I pass through daily in the hands of Nigerians because of their country?? You know wetin I don see regularly in the hands of these people. So if dem dey talk about who dem don use pass among all of us here, make una no follow me drag am!!
God abeg: *Laughs silently*... You're talking about being used everytime because of the situation of things in the country, you sabi how many times these people don shout my name?? Even when dem wan use you, Japa, dem go first shout my name like twice...
(have flashback of Nigerians using him)
Nigerian 1: *discussing with his guy*...Guuuyyy,I wan Japa. I don tire for this country, God abeg!!
Nigerian 2: Mtchew, egg wey be #30 before na #150 now. I don tire bro, If I see money to japa, I no go think twice at all...Ahh, God abeg na!! God abeg!!
God abeg: *stops remembering* So you kids should sit down and give honour to whom honour is due.
Idan: *tries to talk*.... I don't t...
Sapa: *interrupts Idan*...If...IfI slap you!! You see your mate for here?? Better no make me use vex change am for you...Ehen, Speaking of giving honour to whom it's due, you sabi how many people dey use me on a regular basis?? Workers ooo, students ooo, graduates ooo, under graduates ooo, as long as say you dey this Tinubu Nigeria, dem no born the person well not to use me.
(A mysterious figure sitting down starts laughing quietly)
Japa: *looks at the person fearfully*
E choke: T...this guy dey here since??
God abeg: *scared and breathing heavily*
Sapa: *trying to be bold*
*The mysterious figure raises his head and it's "Omo"*
Omo; *still smiling*.. Sapa you get point sha but all of una wey dey here know say dem no fit use una without me.
*Have a flashback memory of a Nigerian answering a call while on the way to the airport with his travelling box*
Nigerian 1: *answering call*...Yes this country don tire me my brother, I dey japa like this. Omo I don tire!!
*Another flashback*
Nigerian 2: egg wey be #30 before na #150 now. I don tire bro, If I see money to japa, I no go think twice at all...Ahh, God abeg na!! Omo!!
Omo: *stops remembering*...So you see, I am the king, yesterday, today and fore....
*Immediately a guy forcefully opens the door and tries to enter the room*
Japa, God abeg, E choke, Sapa, Idan, Omo: *looks at the person with confusion*
A-thon: *crawling on the floor and trying to enter inside*...H...help me, Pleeasseeee... Help me
*Nigerians rush inside shouting and drags A-thon away*
A-thon: *starts having flashbacks of "Cook a-thon" "Sing a-thon" "Kiss a-thon" "Lecture a-thon" "Dance a-thon" "cry a-thon " "laugh a-thon" fliers*
*
so which do u think its the most used slangs?