THE PROPHESY

Pastor: You in black
Me: Sir...me or him?
Pastor: You. The one who looks poor, stand up
Me: Okay Daddy
Pastor: You are a young man
Me: Yes sir
Pastor: You have been suffering since you left your parents house
Me: Yes daddy
Pastor: You have near Success syndrome. When you're about to achieve something, it fails.
Me: Yes dadddyy!!!
Pastor: The other day, you manager said he will promote you at work. The next day, before he could do it, they sacked him and you still remained where you are.
Me: Ahh!! Yes sirrrrr!!!
Pastor: Have I met you before??
Me: Erhmm...
Pastor: Talk to anybody??
Me: Sir?
Pastor: How did I know you were not promoted??
Me: b...
Pastor: Celebrate grace!!!
Me: But Daddy, I told you this same story in our last guidance and counseling session
Pastor: I know. Na story wey person tell me, I wan dey use as prophecy now.
Abi u wan make i stress holy ghost

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THE GAME

Me: Babe, let's play a prank on our friends
Babe: What kind of prank?
Me: Give me your phone fess... We'll call our friends and prank them that we're getting married, let's see their reaction. The phone will be on loudspeaker.
Babe: *laughs out loud*... Stteevvvvee!!! This will be hilarious!!
Me: *dials her friend's number*...sshh sshh, I'm already calling Patricia
Babe: *closes her mouth and struggles not to laugh*
Patricia: Hello babe?
Babe: Hello, Paty baby!!
Patricia: This one wey you call this morning, hope no problem.
Babe: *trying to hold her laugh*...Babe I'm getting married!!!! Finally!!!
Patricia: Ahnahn...to who??
Me:
Babe: what kind of question is that na?? My boyfriend, Ste...
Patricia: Which of them?? Emmanuel?? Frank?? Victor?? Who later proposed first?? Abeg gist me!!!
Me:
Babe:
Patricia: Babe talk na!!
Babe: It's St... Stephen
Patricia: Mtchew... Nawa ooo. That one go use mouth odour finish you for house.
Me hia ehh, iz finished

THE ARMED ROBBER

Armed robber: Your money or your life!!! Any sudden movement, you dle!
Babe: *screams*... please don't kill me!! please don't kill me!!...*hurriedly picks up her phone and dials my number*
Me: *picks the call*... Hello, queen?
Babe: I've told you not to pick my calls...you know I don't have airtime o. Mtchew, call me back johr, arm robber is in my house.
Armed robber:hia chineke naa o

. THE INVILGILATOR
*During Maths WAEC exam*
External Invigilator: This is not ordinary schooI exam. I want to remind you all that you're writing WAEC and I won't tolerate cheating.
Me and my mates:
External Invigilator: Ask around about me, aside invigilating, I tear exam papers for a living. Try me and see
Me and my mates: *still writing while sweating*
External Invigilator: Hey you! yes you at the window! You think I'm joking?? Hehe, it's like you want to walk out of this hall before your mates. I will repeat myself again for the last time. I don't condone cheating!! and I don't accept bribery. I believe in doing it yourself...so if you're hoping on your teachers to save you, hehehe then your plan has failed!
*Principal walks in*
Principal: Good morning sir, I want to see you
Invigilator: Okay sir, hold on... Students, If you try any nonsense while I'm talking, I will know. I have eyes everywhere.
*Principal and invigilator talks for ten minutes and then he goes back to his sit*
Invigilator: *sits down and clears throat*
*some junior students walks in with a tray of rice, beans, stew and two turkey alongside Eva wine, Gulder and 5 alive..then drop it on the invigilator table*
Invigilator: *smiling*...Ahnahn, this is too much nau, thank you o.
*Maths teacher walks in with an exercise book*
Maths teacher: We don't have much time. I will attend to the objective questions first. No 1. C. No 2. A. No 3. D ....
Me: Ahhh...but sir, the invigilator sai...
Invigilator: There is no time o, you people should write fast... Listen to your maths teacher. Na invigilator wey never chop dey dey strict for exam Hall

{During se×}
Girl: Yeeaahhh mmmm yeahhhh
Me: Who's your daddy?!!
Girl: Youu babyy...mmm it's youuu
Me: *turns her around*... Get down here
Girl: Babe wait....*opens drawer and brings out rope*.... You promised me we'd do BDSM this time.
Me: oh yeah... *lies down on the bed*... Anything for you baby.
Girl: *ties my hands around my back, very tight...brings out another rope and ties my laps and legs*... You like that?
Me: I love it!
Girl: *rubs my nipples and licks my chest*.... Tell me you like that.
Me: mmmm... I like that!
Girl: let's make this IittIe monster stand...*startsgiving me hañd job*
Me: *moans*
*After 2 minutes*
Girl: Perfect...*tightens the rope and opens drawer again, then brings out cane, candle and matches*
Me:
Girl: *strikes matches and lights the candle*
Me: B..ba...babe?
Girl: There's no pleasure without pain honey... don't worry, I'd just pour some wax on the tip of your blggie... I promise, it won't hurt.
Me: B..bab....
Girl: *flogs my chest and brings the candle closer* ... Do you like that?? Tell me you like that..
Me: Ndidiamaka I want to go home, I'm the only son of my parents.

hello famz
how is you all doing
am starting dis thread for posting the largest collection of funny stories in nairaland
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so just sit down
cuz is gonna be a long ride

Badmashii:
Omo laff wan kill me...
Bro don't stop dropping stuff like this abeg. E make sense die

no wahala just dropped a topic check it out

I just gained admission into the university after three years of writing and failing jamb. I was excited more than anyone else, if no for anything but for the fact that they'll stop sending me to buy Maggi at home and stressing my destiny in the name of washing plates.
Everything is already set for me. My father as a rich man already secured a house close to my school. What makes it so unique is that am the only one that gets to leave in the house and compound. it's just two flats. Downstairs is my flat and upstairs is for the landlord and his son.
I got to school finally, my parents took me to school in their car. From Lagos to Enugu State, as per rich man pikin. We found out that the Landlord travelled on a business journey and will be back in two weeks time. Only me go dey house till then, surplus enjoyment.
As i was about entering inside, my mother starts crying... I went back and hug her and she told me that she'll miss me so much. Me sef reply am say i go miss am and i no fit wait make i return, but deep down, i no want make school finish...The werey woman want make i come back con continue to dey wash plates and buy Maggi for am.
We bid each other farewell as i entered inside. I got in and met a strange boy smiling and waiting for me at your doorstep. Him too sef carry hin own bag. We exchanged greetings and he introduced himself as landlord son... He went on to say that his father told him to stay with me until his return, because he doesn't want him to turn their house to club.
As i was about to enter, i saw a necklace on my doorstep. E be like something wey mistakenly drop from landlord bag abi pocket. I picked it up and threw it into landlord's balcony. Landlord son con hail me say i go fit as basketball player.
The both of us laugh and i invited him inside. "Can we be friends?" he asked me. I replied him, "yeah, sure" and we shook hands. My first ever friend in school.
Days passed by and i've been going to school, making new friends and enjoying my freedom. At home, landlord son, Felix was the chef. His indomie always made me hungry for more, His Jollof rice will leave my mouth watery, his beans na heaven recipe he use cook am. I was responsible for the drinks and other casual stuffs.
We eventually became closer. He was more like a brother to me now. Sometimes when i don't feel like eating, he'd force me while saying he wants me to add body a little. He doesn't like the way that am Iean. Awwnn, he cares a lot.
At a point, i con dey think say na gay, con even ask am hin status to be sure. He laughed hard and replied that he's as straight as a ruIer and i shouldn't let the way he acts, bother me. He explains to me that he's responsible for whatever that happens to me and is preparing me before his father returns.
It's almost two weeks and landlord will return anytime soon. I was in the room eating the rice Felix prepared, when my phone rang. It's an unknown number but i picked it regardless.
Unknown number; Hello
Me; Hello, who's this?
Number: It's the landlord... Please am I speaking with the new student that wants to live in my house?
Me: Yes, but I've started Livi...
Landlord: *cuts in* okay, listen to me very attentively. When you come inside my compound, ignore any boy you meet there!!! collect the necklace on your doorstep and wear, the necklace will keep him away from you. If at all he tries to approach you and ask if you guys can be friends, tell him no or ignore him and move on. As long as you're putting on that necklace, he won't do anything to you.
Me: S..si...sirr??
Landlord: Ignore any boy you meet in the compound, that is not a boy but a ghost. He was a student who lived in my compound until he died mysteriousIy inside his room 5 years ago. We don't know what happened but ever since then, he has been wandering around the house looking for someone to possess. I tried my best to pursue him from my compound but the only solution I ended up with was the necklace. I have three, one for me, my son and one for you.
Me: Ye..ye..yes sir, That's what I was trying to tell you. I already started Living in your place since 12 days ago. I have been with your son since I came here and..
Landlord: My son?? My son is with me here. I carried him with me. That is the boy I'm talking about!!! Run away from that house!! Find the neckla
Me: Hello?? Hello?? Landlord?? Daddy??
(someone knocks on my door from outside) : Bro it's Felix, open the door.
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episode 2 coming next


(pls ur likes and share encourages me)

Nah that cancer wey go choke u
idiat!!!!

Me: Thanks for coming to this date with me.
Girl: oh, it's nothing. I also wanted to take a day off from work and also get to know you better....*sipsdrink*
Me: Yeah.. so tell me about yourself, what you like, what you love doing, your hobby..you know, everything about you. *smiles*
Girl: ookkaayyy *blushes*... Uhmm, first things first, I love food. You know, I'm a Sagittarius and we are foodies..
Me: Sagittarius?
Girl: Yeah, you know, zodiac signs. Mine is Sagittarius.
Me: oh, nice...I actually don't know mine, I'm not a fan of...
Girl: You're born in February 2nd right?... you're an Aquarius
Me: Aquarius?
Girl: yeah, you already told me your date of birth while we chatted online..so I checked if our zodiac signs were compatible before I accepted to go out with you, and yeah... I was pleased with the results, we're a match and I...
Me: I'm not really a fan of zod....
Girl: DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING!!!!
Me:
Girl: *laughs*...I'm...I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...we Sagittarius, that's how we behave, I easily get angry but I'm working on it. .I assure you I am.
Me: errhh...n..no problem, it's fine. I understand.
{waiter brings meal to our table}
Waiter: Here's your meal, sir...this is yours, ma'am
Me: Thank you
Girl: I thought I said I don't like onions?
Waiter: oh oh. I'm sorry about this ma, let me qu....
Girl: OH PLEASE!!! LEAVE IT! JUST LEAVE IT ALONE!! GET OUT!!
Waiter: ma pl...
Girl: l said GET OUT!!!
Me: Hey, calm down. He's apologising alr....
Girl: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO NEVER INTERRUPT ME!!!
Me:
*waiter leaves*
Girl: oh Jesus, Steve I'm so sorry. it's just that we Sagittarius tend to get angry more often and we hate being interrupted.
Me: it's okay, it's okay
Girl: Awwnnn...now I understand why they said our signs are compatible. You understand me effortlessly, you're a gem.
Me: *smiles in agony*
{The next day after the date, my phone rings}
Girl: Hello darling.
Me: Hey, watsup?
Girl: I'm good now that I heard your voice. can we meet up today?
Me: Yeah, uhmm about that, I don't think this can work.
Girl: what can't work?
Me: us...I mean, you're a really pretty and special lady and I'm just me. You deserve better, I can't give you that. You deserve someone better than I am.
Girl: no no no, Steve... you're perfect, it's you I want.
Me: no, you don't understand... I like you, I really do...but I don't want you. I don't want to sta..
Girl: I knew this would happen!
Me: ehn?
Girl: That's how you Aquarius people are. You're a cheat, you aII are heartIess, l hate you! I PRAY YOU MEET OTHER ZODlAC SlGNS THAT WlLL HURT YOU! YOU'LL MEET PISCES! TAURUS! GEMINI! CANCER!!!
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Me: chineke nna

Abeg aw dem take dey comot poison wey done enter stomach

Me: Guy! See wetin I see for twitter just now!! Chicken Republic dey share rice for people wey dey come their branch for Surulere!!
Timothy: Now??
Me: Guy e dey happen as me and you dey talk now!!! See na! *Shows him pictures*...seenylon! See people wey carry food dey waka around!
Timothy: Ahhh!!! Guuuyyy!!! And Surulere far from there!!! We suppose go this thing!! We wey dey hungry for here since day before yesterday night!
Me: *smiles*... This God dey work in mysterious ways
Timothy: Wetin happen?? I dey talk say we no fit go Surulere to choo food, you dey talk God work in mysterious ways...shey God dey work for chicken republic??
Me: *smiles*...where Solomon dey?
Timothy: Which kain stupld question be that one?... Hin go work, wetin happen?
Me: Where he dey work?
Timothy: I know? He tell us?? E never reach one month wey he start the work.
Me: *smiles*... Na chicken republic our guy dey work. Chicken Republic for Surulere.
Timothy: ldlot, na me you wan do this rubbish for. FooI
Me: *laughs*...oya wait. *Dials Solomon's number*... Hello guy, hwfa
Solomon: Hello bro, thank God say you call...abeg come open door for me...our front gate.
Me: Okay..*goes outside and open door for him then he quickly enters with cooler of rice*
Timothy:
Me: When I dey tell you, you think say na joke?
Timothy: Omo!!
Solomon: *Enters kitchen and puts the cooler inside cupboard*...Abeg make una help me hold this food, I go come back for night. *Quickly leaves the house*
Me: *comes out of the kitchen with two spoons and the cooler*.... Oh solo don go??... You believe me now??
Timothy: Omo guuuyyy!! God works in mysterious ways!! *Collects one spoon*
Me: *eats rice*...when I talk am before, you ask me if God don dey work for chicken republic. *Eats another spoon of rice*
Timothy: *takes two spoons of rice at once*... Guy, Solo na Godsent!!! *Cleans tears of joy*
Me: I just like the guy...a true friend....*collect that chicken wing, give me the chest*.
{ Later at night, Solomon returns from work with 4 chicken Republic plates of rice}
Solomon: Take two plates, Timothy...Stevo, take your own two.
Timothy: Ahh!! Omo!! Solo if you do mistake stop this Chicken republic work, me and you fit no talk again for Iife.
Solomon: *laughs at loud*...werey
Me: *pressing phone while trying to open the first plate*... Today just be like birthday for me, see as I dey shed tears of joy dey chop back to back Jollof rice and chicken, spaghetti sef even dey this one...and chicken Republic still dey trend for twitter sef.
Solomon: Na our manager just decide to do am ooo...we happy say we put smiles for people face today.
Me: Omo see wetin dey trend for twitter again..Instablog just post am. "A 23year old girI was caught putting substance inside a rice she bought. After being arrested, she confessed she tried to polson her boyfriend because she found out he was cheatlng on her..the poison wouId have kiIIed the boyfriend in twelve hours according to the hound lady." Guuuyyyy!!!
Timothy: Omo wetin girIs want for this Iife Ahnahn, polson your man cos he dey cheat?? Ahh!!
Me: E weak me bro
Solomon: Funny thing be say, na for our side this nonsense happen o. Na me even catch am when she dey put the stuff after she buy the rice from us. Our manager con talk say make I pour the rice for cooler, carry am go back house, so people no go see the chicken republic plate. Na why I rush come back that afternoon with the food con keep am for cupboard. We wan use am as evidence for court tomorrow. Fear women!!
Me and Timo:

Since then
hav' given mai lyf to krist
something go kill man
buh toto no fit kpai me

People who say their sexual fantasy is to do dirty/nasty and freaky stuff during sex, I pity you..Nna!! Nne!! I pity youuu!!!
I was with this babe back then...we never meet physically then, just online, fantasizing about anything and everything. Aunty go talk say when we meet, "I'd do nasty things to you, freaky things, I'd make you eat me whole and you'd beg for your life and I won't let you go"...me sef wey be mumu go dey smile dey reply "God! I can't wait! take my soul, I don't care".
Angel Kapal just dey smile for heaven dey mark the part wey I talk "Take my soul, I don't care".
We eventually met and we got down to business. We started with usual kiss o until this girl con dey kiss like mammy water. We go kiss kiss kiss, she go con stop, lick my lips con pour me spit for mouth. I been wan react o then she con talk "You like it, yeah?"... I no even know how to reply.
I swallow spit before we continue, I no know whether na my own spit or her own I swallow. The kissing continued then she stopped, stood up and removed a cup from her fridge, poured the chocolate from the cup, on her body (but e be like say na Milo she mix with water), then she said I should lick her. Now you're talking!
I started immediately cos ahh, if na you, you no go lick?? I was licking both her and Milo. She removed my head, raised her hands up and poured chocolate on her armpit, then she brought my head to the armpit.
As my head dey enter the darkness, I see say the armpit dey bushy somehow and normally hairs dey black ooo, but some hairs wey dey her armpit con white. Before I could talk, my head was already in there. I dey lick chocolate, e dey taste salt salt.
She removed my head later, I breathed God's air for the first time, I no even get strength to tell am say e don do...she kissed me, smiled and pushed me down on the bed. She tied my hands to the bed, looked at me, smiled again then sat gently on my face.
I been think say I enter heaven until she begin dey ride my face. Her hair down there was bushy...as she dey ride up and down, hairs dey enter my nose. If I wan try breathe in properly, na yansh air I dey breathe in.
I forcefuIIy cut the rope while trying to break free and started hltting her yansh, make she comot so I go breathe better air, she started moaning..."Yeeahhhhhh yeessss spank me haarrdddeerrr!!".
I dey cry dey struggle to sniff catarrh, she still dey ride..I dey pass out, she still dey ride. Even cough sef later start to dey do me. As I open mouth to cough, I hear kpraaa. This girl mess. Jesus!!! Jesus!!! BLOOD OF JESUS!!!! MY MOUTH!!! I dey shout, this girl dey ride dey go.
I started hitting her harder to comot before my soul comot, this girl still dey ride dey moan and mess. The mess sound dey go in sync with the ride motion. Kpraaa kpraaa kpraaa kpraaa... Each ride, one kpraaa, two moans, ontop my face.
I passed out that evening, met Jesus in heaven and gave my life to him. I woke up hours later and saw the Jezebel, looking at me with smiles on her face. "You look so beautiful when you sleep, Joel. Do you need more?"
"Chekwube, I need Jesus and Oral B."

Go to my topic
u gonna scratch ur ribs laughing