Slimberry123:
dear writers weldone, i suggest we stick to mark. Kusibe77 where art thou

Debbietiyan:



Thanks a lot Kusibe77.

For being my first critic, if this ever gets published, you'd be the first to get a copy

Debbietiyan:


Ohh, I think I get what you're trying to say...The text was just dialogue, her current emotions should have been better emphasized right?

But if you'd notice, the story is written from Anita's point of view, she describes what she sees and how she feels about it.
"Welcome, how did it go?" was asked by Sophia but since Anita has the rein over the story, the question was related to us by her (Anita).

“It would have been great, if I wasn’t distracted, trying to figure out the best means of murdering a certain someone.”
The narrator replied Sophia's question. By the response, you can tell she is sulking over what Sophia did.

She bites her lower lip in mock fear.

Written in continuous tense (the action is taking place), Anita describes Sophia's reaction to her reply.

The idea of my choice of tense is to enable the reader watch the Main character metamorphize, for example: She can only tell us what she thinks but since its her opinion we can't agree to everything she says, but if you follow Anita's character aptly, she tries to come off as tough given her background and all...so we mostly get her witty retorts but not necessarily her emotions as she tries to mask them.

So far, she has lost it once (when her Dad came over) and you'd notice how she tried to hide what she really felt.

So hopefully, in the future, she'd let us in again.

Debbietiyan:
Later that day, when I get home I meet Sophia lying on the couch in the sitting-room.

“Welcome, how did it go?” She asks as soon as I walk in.

Here, it's plain. No one is putting himself or herself in the character's shoe. Note the character wasn't happy, look at the next line here.

“It would have been great, if I wasn’t distracted, trying to figure out the best means of murdering a certain someone.” She bites her lower lip in mock fear. “How could you have ratted me off like that?”


It's blank again, after her expressoon. Can you get into her head and let us know what goes on there.

*** would have been great, if I wasn’t distracted, trying to figure out the best means of murdering a certain someone***

Add this to it ——


I sighed. This beast of a man (someone) is turning me to something else. I could turn him to a stone if I have sorcery.

*********
Here we get to know the character more. She admires sorcery and we can feel annoyance in her.
*******

I'm a fan, just saying.
Thanks for not my small kobo annoying.

Debbietiyan:

Thanks love.
dish out the criticisms...we are all learners

repogirl:


Gameofthrones, power, suits, flash, arrow, supergirl, empire, the100, darkmatter, killjoys, onceuponatime, legendsoftomorrow, wynonaearp, themist, strangerthings, janethevirgin, deviousmaids, mistresses, prisonbreak, shooter, salem, beingmaryjane, theOA, modernfamily, vampirediaries, theoriginals, designatedsurvivor etc!

Food don done oooooo!

ProFuhrer:
I don't know about the Voice competition and how it is run. I agree with the fun part, that was part of why I joined.

But what if Kim didn't finally win? She was just 4 points above the 3rd person.

ProFuhrer:
This is not a complaint but the last stage was not exactly handled expertly. Before the day you set out for voting and campaigning, some contestants had already started the train.

Again, Audrey came and dropped the verdict that Kimberly had already qualified. That gave the impression that you and the judges had already made your pick. I came back later to find contestants still calling for votes.

I don't want to imagine how it would have been managed if Kimberly did not make it.

Debbietiyan:
Debbie you don try. If nobody will tell me, lemmi kukuma tell myself