₦airaland Forum

brownsugar007: hello house please advice me 28th of december has been fixed for my trad and white wedding and all items have been purchased,yesterday i had an issue with my fiance cos a girl was was always calling him,i notice the girl calls like mad and he doesn't answer when i am around,i went thru his messages before and i saw were the girl referred me as the bitch who stole her man and took her happiness.i told him to pick but he switched off the phone pretending he was busy.this got me really mad and i struggled the phone with him and i insulted him in the process and he reported me to his pastor.i used to opportunity to air my view about everytin.last night this guy sent me a mail,insulted me and my family,u need to c the words he used on me,i work in a bank and he knows about all my clients asking me out,he insisted i was sleeping with my client,even tunted me with my past which i gisted him about,the words were so degrading.
this morning he dropped the cloths for the wedding at my office and has been calling to insullt me since that he is not interested in the wedding.my GREATEST FEAR NOW IS MY PARENTS.how do i tell them what is happening,i wish just sleep and never wake up again.
that is how he insults me at every given opportunity,how do i tell my parents all the money spent was wasted.
i know my life is worth than 2MILLION,how will my parent walk on the street after this embarrasment i want to put them thru
heaven plss helpme

My dear brown sugar please do not listen to all those saying you should break up, unless that is really what you want and you are not confused after all. That said, getting married is not an easy thing. Marriages are made in heaven and them haters aren't happy so lots of temptations will definitely come your way even right up to your wedding day. My advise to you ( if you are I love with this man n want to be his wife) is to call your fiancé and apologise for grabbing his phone and insulting him ( you were wrong to do that, no matter how upset u must have been) after which tell him you would like to talk to him. ( here you need enough maturity, no insulting nor tantrums) tell him you are not happy that this girl calls often and it makes you feel unhappy or hurt or whatever it is you are feeling. In your post you said the girl wrote you took her man but you never said anything about what your fiancé's response was. It is possible it's the girl calling your fiancé and he's probably not interested. As for your fiancé saying he doesn't wanna marry anymore, a guy will say anything when he' s stressed or in this case when his ego is bruised, so don't take his hurtful words to heart. Just try and clear things between yourself and your man before thinking of calling your wedding off.
Lots of luck gal!

Congratulations obinoscopy and Efe for making it to the finals.

debosky: Feedback for Lerrie

I liked your style of appealing to the reader's basic understanding of what marriage was about and contrasting it with the 'reality' of co-habitation. You also went into detail on each of the demerits of co-habitation which helped with following your line of thought.

Your style of providing insight into the motives of those choosing cohabitation is also very convincing and seeks to go beyond just mere quoting statistics.

One area where you could have done better was explaining some apparent contradictions in your position - e.g. you can walk out at any moment vs you go with the flow and don't leave because of all you've invested. For the latter you could've said e.g. the illusion is that you can walk out at any moment while reality is that you are somewhat stuck because of your investment in the relationship.

The way you attributed your evidence to the references you provided were not as clear as those of your opponent, and some claims could not be readily verified. For example you stated that cohabitation lacks commitment, interdependence and fidelity - without clear evidence supporting this or indicating this was your personal view/opinion.

Finally, your argument didn't distinguish between those cohabiting as a marriage substitute versus those cohabiting in order to confirm suitability for marriage.

Overall I think you delivered a compelling argument, and it would have been even more compelling if some of the elements above were incorporated. Well done and congratulations on getting this far in the debates.

Thank you very much debosky. Really appreciate the feedback. Will take note for future purposes..
Reading back I guess I should have made my points clearer as my contradictions weren't really understood.
For example when I say Couples who cohabit do not have any family, social, nor legal obligations to one another and can therefore live their relationship in a relaxed manner, knowing they could walk out at any given moment if they choose to, as opposed to couples who are married. , [color=#000000][/color] , it is to point out that there really is no commitment to one another in cohabiting. You do not have to give explanations to family nor friends if you think you found someone better out there.

Then I bring up a different situation ( Another problem with cohabitation prior to marriage, like it or not, is it's easier to get in than to get out once you start playing house) now let's assume the couple are together for love. Being in love doesn't mean both parties are compatible and so tend to have arguements often. The fact that a couple might love each other deeply and invest financially makes it hard for them to break up even when they are aware they might be heading towards a destructive relationship. If a couple isn't cohabiting it's easier to break up from a bad relationship than when they are living under the same roof..and so we have a case of people getting married for the wrong reasons.

I hope with my explanation I have been able to shed more light on what may seem absolutely contradictory opinions. The purpose was to show cohabiting doesn't really guarantee marital longevity.

[quote author=ileobatojo]Lerrie John, you provided some good insights into the mindset of people who cohabit. You also had a wide range of points you provided to the audience to chew on. However, some of your points seemed contradictory. You did a great job incorporating your references nicely into your argument and you made some very striking statements during the rebuttal stages. Congratulations on a strong debate showing. I would love to hear more from you

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]

Thank you ileobatojo.
I do realise most of my points were contradictory and I should have made them clearer, pity I didn't. Most of the contradictions were deliberate cos the intention wasn't that of saying cohabiting is entirely wrong but that even when it is a good option ( based on one's personal values), it doesn't guarantee marital stability.

yellowpawpaw: Lerrie, pls who u be?
R u using another moniker?
I'm very curious to know.

U were very hot.
Shege!
Assuming I was the one paired with u, I would hv ran away since!
U too much,gal
Congrats!

Lol, thank you yellow pawpaw. I'm just Lerrie.
I'm not using another moniker...don't know what dat means sha
Kinda new on NL...
I'm enjoying it so far.

[quote author=Sagamite]

I thought part of your argument was that it is the irreligious type that cohabits, [b]so how do you expect the religious, non-cohabiting types to go on vacations together and pass weekends together? [/b]Would such people find that acceptable within their religious boundaries?
How will they get to know each other?

By irreligious I meant people who are unconventional and atheist. I believe there are different levels of religious people, ranging from those who do not apply what they preach in their daily lives, to those who apply every word of what they preach in their daily lives. The first set has no problem spending the night with their partner to get to know them better, while the latter put all their faith in God choosing the right person for them and therefore limit themselves to prayers as the key for compatibility.

Months, years or a lifetime is never enough to know someone completely? Does that in anyway mean the longer you know someone (by increased and longer contact) is of little or insignificant value compared to the shorter you know the person?[/quote

]

My grandma used to say. It's all about quality not quantity. One of the excuses for cohabiting is " I want to know the other person better". When I say months, years is never enough to know someone completely, it simply means, that is not enough reason to cohabit because we never seize to discover new aspects of our partners and ourselves. Even after years together your partner would always surprise you and vice versa, negatively or positively.

Thank you everyone for your support, critics and compliments. Guess myself and Efe were really prepared yesterday. Reading the whole thing now makes me laugh, but it is nice to hear we made sense with our arguements. I will try to respond to as many questions as I can.

I must compliment you Efe on an essay well presented. You did a good job. I have no more questions for you.

Cohabitation ( enjoying the benefits of marital life) when not actually married is not a guarantee that ones relationship will endure , the same way getting married without cohabiting is not a guarantee either. Problems will always arise, new characters will be discovered. What guarantees marital longevity and stability is the ability to overcome together as a couple the trying moments.

Question 1: Marriage, I'm sure you'll agree, is a serious business undertaken by adults, hopefully for life - and not a childish fairytale notion gleaned from bedtime story books. How then can you dispute the fact that cohabitation has no role to play in marriage, when marriage, like any other venture in life, needs adequate physical, mental and emotional preparation for? If as an individual you take the time and effort to prepare for an upcoming, all-important examination, or much sought-after interview, how much more then for marriage? How can you dispute the fact that cohabitation between couples intending to marry (and not some wide-eyed child listening to their favourite bedtime story), prepares the ground for a successful marriage?

Cohabitation is about real-life, ordinary people, sincerely wanting to make a go of marriage, and not some prepubescent boy or girl 'dreaming' of meeting their fairytale prince charming or princess in a lone castle.

If marriage is a binding commitment between a man and a woman to come together as husband and wife, and it's fundamentals are fidelity, physical, emotional and economical interdependence, cohabitation cannot be a recipe/prelude for a successful marriage because it violates the institute of marriage as it lacks those fundamentals: commitment, interdependence and fidelity.

The fairy tale reference in my essay was to lighten the mood while making clear how humans evolve from children to adults, from adults to couples. My introduction also went further and stated[b] "That aside, let's see what reality and statistics say."
[/b] and so I presented the rest of my essay against why cohabitation is not a recipe for marriage.
Marriage indeed needs serious preparation as it is a big risk one takes when they decide to settle down. It is a risk and therefore no preparation whatsoever ( cohabiting, books, counselling) can prepare you for it, until you walk in.
Whether or not it lasts a longtime is determined by how balanced each individual is. How they cope with living together, decision making, challenging periods etc. If an individual has trust issues for example, cohabiting or marriage won't help resolve or change the feeling as insecurities will always prevail whenever marital problems arise. So you see, much of how much a marriage lasts depends on the individuals emotional, religious and moral beliefs.

Question 2: Yes, marriage is indeed a binding, and meant to be life-long commitment between a man and woman coming together as man and wife. Note the key phrase in that statement of yours come together meaning two become one. But what does two becoming one mean to you? Does it not mean a physical and emotional union of thoughts, ideas and perceptions / general outlook to life? Does it not entail sharing everything life throws at them, be it good or bad, or better still, for-better-for-worse? How else can you demonstrate a commitment to these ethos if not via cohabitation - which ultimately tests the 'seriousness' of the intending couple?

How can cohabitation be a lifelong commitment if no vows were taken? "Two becoming one" to me means I seize to exist as a sole individual the moment I take my marital vows. It no longer is ME nor YOU, it becomes US and OURS. Cohabitation is just a man and a woman living under one roof while having a sexual relationship. Like you said one of the advantages of cohabiting is freedom to walk out. In marriage, you can't just walk out of the commitment because you feel unsatisfied. cohabitation cannot be a recipe/prelude for a successful marriage because it violates the institute of marriage as it lacks those fundamentals: commitment, interdependence and fidelity.

A couple living together are less likely to fall into the trap of infidelity knowing that they have easy access to each other, which sadly isn't the case for couples in say - long distance relationships spanning across different states, countries or even continents. Yes, marriage is about physical, emotional and economical interdependence but how can a couple intending to marry, tell if they have those qualities if not by living together and facing understanding how the other copes with the real life challenges posed by the nuances of everyday living?

A boyfriend and girlfriend may decide to live together mostly for intimacy and financial difficulties. Living with the opposite sex when in a relationship does not make you their husband nor wife (commitment). When people live together issues based on differences in character and upbringing arise, when such things happen it's easier to fall into temptations. That girl or boy that has been asking you out becomes more attractive, you are not married to the person you are dating and so free to give other suitors a chance ( infidelity). Since the cohabiters are not married they do not necessarily have to take decisions concerning their personal lives together ( independence). After living like these for months, even years, a couple finds it extremely hard to give up their absolute independence and fall into their marital roles as that foundation has already being shattered.



[colo

r=#000099]Couples who cohabit do not have any family, social, nor legal obligations to one another and can therefore live their relationship in a relaxed manner, knowing they could walk out at any given moment if they choose to, as opposed to couples who are married. Research has indeed shown that people who cohabit have characteristics that lead them to cohabit in the first place and make them poor marriage material. Deciding to get married requires faith and a good dose of self esteem, as the outcome of marriage is unknown; when people who cohabit arrive at marriage, they tend to see it as a cage that limits them from achieving their dreams; thus the unsatisfied feeling in marital life which leads to divorce.[/color]

[

b]Question 3:[/b]Seeing as you mention research has proven the points you listed above, I would be interested in knowing where you got the statistics support this statement?

I hope the links below provide more light on why cohabitation isn't helpful. One of the listed is a research done in the nigerian society by a professor of university of Ibadan.
http://nobleworld.biz/images/Ogunsola_AN3.pdf
http://marriageandfamilies.byu.edu/issues/2001/January/cohabitation.htm
http://www.catholicculture.org/culture/library/view.cfm?recnum=6642#Why




[

color=#000099]When people who cohabit arrive at marriage, they tend to see it as a cage that limits them from achieving their dreams; thus the unsatisfied feeling in marital life which leads to divorce.[/color]

Question 4: Do you not think your statement here about cohabiting couples seeing themselves as 'caged' contradicts with your earlier statement (see bolded bit of your second excerpt) about non-comittment and ease to walk out of the relationship whenever they so wish? How can you be caged in a relationship, and yet free to walk out when you please? Kindly clarify what you mean.

Why do u feel the need to walk out of any given situation? Because the pressure is too much. Cohabitation creates high expectations about marriage in the sense that a couple might think they have seen it all and can handle anything. The way a man and woman live and perceive each other is different when married. Cohabiting I insist yet again isn't marriage.

One other disadvantage of cohabiting before marriage is that it makes a couple less effective at conflict resolution than those who did not cohabit. Fear of upsetting an uncommitted relationship or the lack of need to protect a temporary relationship can lead cohabiting couples into poor patterns of conflict resolution which they then carry into marriage. It could also create high expectations about marriage in the sense that a couple might think they have seen it all and can handle anything. But when during marriage, challenges arise, those challenges are seen as defects of the marriage institution and thus, divorce comes knocking at the door again.

I disagree with this statement of yours. The underlying essence of cohabitation is for couples to understand each other better. Understanding each other better entails working through their differences, laying all cards (literally) on the table and letting the other see and understand their different perspectives to life. This is where a purpose of cohabiting in the first place comes to play.

I have answered that question earlier. Cohabitation is not the only means of understanding. Besides if you didn't understand while dating, you won't understand while living together.

[

b]Question 5:[/b] How then can you work through your differences if you don't face them straight-up from the onset? Do you not think marriage is postponing the inevitable, (i.e: important issues such as finance, home management, family planning, career prospects after the kids arrive) which incidentally, will not go away, but will present themselves in full force after they've signed the dotted lines? When it's too late to back out?

Like you said, marriage isn't something you take lightly. That's why there is a period of courtship. It is the time you employ to know your partner better and discuss issues about finance, family planning, career, home management etc.
The most important means for preparing for marriage is by frequenting a premarital class. For the religious, each religious group organises premarital classes and counselling for couples who have let their intention to marry known. For the atheist, there are premarital sessions organised by psychologists and marriage counsellors. These sessions will prepare and educate young couples on what to expect and how to live together after marriage

I hope I have succeeded in answering your questions satisfactorily.

Though I never knew you , I have gotten to know you these few minutes while reading this thread.
May the good Lord grant you peace as you rest. Amen.

Finally, I am of the opinion that many couples, out of respect for the institution of marriage decide to cohabite before taking the plunge. It’s not uncommon to hear forward-thinking cohabitating partners utter words as: “I never want to get divorced, so it’s important to me to make sure we can really work together before going through with a wedding.” ⁴ “Working things out” should happen before you vow to spend the rest of your life with someone, and what better way to do it than through cohabitation?

The most important means for preparing for marriage is by frequenting a premarital class. For the religious, each religious group organises premarital classes and counselling for couples who have let their intention to marry known. For the atheist, there are premarital sessions organised by psychologists and marriage counsellors. These sessions will prepare and educate young couples on what to expect and how to live together after marriage. Cohabitation will do nothing but harm in the long run as it doesn't educate you based on facts or life experiences of others.

Encourages authentic discussion of life goals: Saying you want kids in the future is one thing, but figuring out your collective financial situation and ideas for how and where you'll raise children is quite another. A lot of couples make assumptions but the fact remains that many of these people don't know what it’s really like, to share expenses and plan for the future until they've done it. Projecting or better still, extemporizing on such serious topics doesn't come close to the real thing. Couples who disagree about how this should be done benefit from getting it all out in the open, ironing their differences before making that all-important life commitment to one another. Cohabitating first, affords this opportunity².

I don't see how cohabiting improves communication levels in a relationship. The topics you mentioned can be well discussed without the need for cohabiting. Any communication problems left unresolved before or during courtship will still carry onto marital life. Problems may seem to have been resolved but if a couple lack good communications they will always clash even after marriage.

Financial Benefits: Moving in together can often be with motivation to make a monetary saving. Two single people living alone pay two separate sets of bills, rent or mortgage and general living costs. Living with a partner you are enjoying a relationship with can be an attractive prospect when the impact it would have on monthly expenses is considered. Usually one partner would move into the home of the other partner. This could mean just one rent payment or mortgage payment a month, or if both partners own their own properties, one could rent out their property thus formulating another source of income. Individuals may also be able to save money that they spent during dating, on fuel and phone bills.

Have you considered what the outcome could be if these two decide to not get married? Who would get kicked out after investing financially? How would they divide their acquisitions? And what if they decide to stay together after investing so much just for the wrong reasons? It seems like a divorce case to me, marriage or not.

[

b]Freedom to easily leave:[/b] Having grown to know the person you are in a relationship with, you come to realize whether or not this is the long term relationship that you want to continue in, and more importantly, if it’s right for you. Cohabiting couples have the freedom to leave at any point without the rigmarole or stress of a messy divorce.

The point you have just mentioned is the reason why cohabiters would divorce even after marriage because it is in their character. They are people afraid of commitment and have little faith in the marriage institution. Divorce (freedom) is the only way out whenever marital life becomes difficult.

[

b]Eliminating the surprise factor:[/b] We all know, that even couples who spend their every waking moment together, don't know the ins and outs of living with each other. Say for example, bathroom practices, cleaning routines, and personal habits are just some of the factors which while seemingly insignificant, can and do add up after marriage. Getting used to each others' idiosyncrasies - and more importantly, deciding whether you can live with them – is very important to a lasting marriage.

I think Couples have enough time to get used to their partners personal habits during courtship. This opportunity arises during vacations or passing weekends together. Is the above said time not enough for anyone to decide wether or not they can live with their partner's idiosyncrasies? After all, months , years or a lifetime is never enough to know someone completely.

COHABITATION: RECIPE FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE.

Good evening judges, coordinators, my co-debater, and to you, the audience. I am contestant 4 (lerrie john) , surprisingly here again, contesting against the notion that says cohabitation is a recipe for successful marriage.
Every boy and girl dreams of meeting their princesses or prince charming, falling in love , and getting married. They do not dream of meetings their soul mates, falling in love, cohabiting, before getting married. Cohabitation has no role to play in fairy tales. That aside, let's see what reality and statistics say.
Cohabitation is an arrangement where two unmarried people live together like husband and wife to test their compatibility before the actual marriage. In other words, the cohabiting couple enjoy some benefits of marriage such as sharing of homes, responding to some matrimonial duties, engaging in intimate sexual relationship, sharing of economic resources, and sometimes having children.
If marriage is a binding commitment between a man and a woman to come together as husband and wife, and it's fundamentals are fidelity, physical, emotional and economical interdependence, cohabitation cannot be a recipe/prelude for a successful marriage because it violates the institute of marriage as it lacks those fundamentals: commitment, interdependence and fidelity.
Couples who cohabit do not have any family, social, nor legal obligations to one another and can therefore live their relationship in a relaxed manner, knowing they could walk out at any given moment if they choose to, as opposed to couples who are married. Research has indeed shown that people who cohabit have characteristics that lead them to cohabit in the first place and make them poor marriage material. Deciding to get married requires faith and a good dose of self esteem, as the outcome of marriage is unknown; when people who cohabit arrive at marriage, they tend to see it as a cage that limits them from achieving their dreams; thus the unsatisfied feeling in marital life which leads to divorce.
Another reason cohabiting will not guarantee marital stability is the reason behind the choice. Many individuals who choose this route, especially the men, do so because in their opinion they gain some marital benefits but at the same time are not obliged to be faithful nor accountable to their partners. Maintaining individual independence is the hidden agenda. When such a relationship leads to marriage (which is supposed to be a selfless and interdependent commitment between a man and woman), it is not surprising to see the marriage dissolve as both partners continue to live their marriage through the perspective of the insecurity, lack of pooling of resources, low commitment level, and even lack of fidelity of their prior cohabitation.
Another problem with cohabitation prior to marriage, like it or not, is it's easier to get in than to get out once you start playing house—you move in because it makes sense, you can spend more time together, besides, you save on rent. The moment you live together family and friends expect you tie the knot soon. Each time your mother calls, she is saying “When are you guys getting married?” Even when there are problems in the relationship you both think, why not! It’s good enough, we’ve invested a lot of time into this relationship, I don’t want to start all over again, it isn’t that bad. You accommodate, you go with the flow, you worry about how much you have invested emotionally and financially and breaking up would be like a mini divorce. Things, important things, get swept under the rug and down the road it all catches up with you and if you can't stand the pressure it leads to divorce yet again.
One other disadvantage of cohabiting before marriage is that it makes a couple less effective at conflict resolution than those who did not cohabit. Fear of upsetting an uncommitted relationship or the lack of need to protect a temporary relationship can lead cohabiting couples into poor patterns of conflict resolution which they then carry into marriage. It could also create high expectations about marriage in the sense that a couple might think they have seen it all and can handle anything. But when during marriage, challenges arise, those challenges are seen as defects of the marriage institution and thus, divorce comes knocking at the door again.
Lastly, couples who cohabit are more likely to be less religious or not religious at all. Christianity, Judaism, and Islam have stances of opposition to cohabitation. These religious groups agree that cohabitation before marriage is a violation of their moral beliefs. Marriage though a social institution, has religion as a backbone to guide couples morally in their judgements and approach to marital life and no religion approves of divorce. Where in a religious relationship divorce would hardly be an option because of moral beliefs, cohabiting couples lack this moral restriction and would willingly embrace divorce when challenges arise during marriage.
In conclusion, thirty years of research has shown that cohabitation is not an effective "trial marriage," if such a thing exists. It does not provide divorce insurance. Couples will be better off on life's measures of success and happiness (e.g., emotional health, physical health, and personal wealth) if they married before living together. A good marriage is determined by how a couple handles it's challenging moments and overcome them together, and not by avoiding issues for fear of upsetting a balance because sooner or later that balance will be upset. My advice to unmarried couples: cohabitation for whatever reason does more harm than good to marital life and should be absolutely avoided. In this case unfortunately, the adage, prevention (cohabitation) is better than cure (marriage), is futile.


REFERENCES

Jeffry H. Larson, Ph.D., LMFT, CFLE, is a professor of Marriage and Family Therapy at Brigham Young University and author of Should We Stay Together? A Scientifically Proven Method for Evaluating Your Relationship and Improving its Chances for LongTerm Success (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000).
http://www.usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/marriage/marriage-preparation/cohabiting.cfm

http://www.catholicculture.org/culture/library/view.cfm?recnum=6642#Why.

What Makes It Fall Apart? The Determinants of the Dissolution of Marriages and Common-Law Unions in Canada
By: France-Pascale Ménard.
McGill Sociological Review, Volume 2, April 2011, pp. 59-76

The first thing you do is to scroll down and find the post that you want to reply to and click on the insert quote ontop of that post. [/color]

Done

You can also reply the above post as well and repeat the same step for the next post

.

Done

[color=#000099]I will quote the above post without using the insert quote button assuming I can’t find them in the list below the reply page. [/]

Testing how this works

last instruction is for replying a post that is like an essay and you want to break it down into different post or just that you want to reply a sentence in that post or multiple sentences. The following replies below are how it should look like and i will be making use of your own post.

I get it now

Dude I don't envy you right now. Only thing I can say is you should face your demons..metaphorically....again that will depend on how mature you are. If you are going to confront your mom you have to make up your mind to listen to what she has to say without throwing harsh words back. You want to understand and so you should limit yourself to understanding only. No need to pass any judgements.
You could tell her a story of a little boy who found himself in the right place at the wrong time and how traumatised that incident has left that boy. After that let her talk..you just listen. I'm quite sure your mom will have answers dat will be beneficial to your family.

eagle,eye:
Sometimes, a guy gets to that stage where he just wants to get it over with. At that particular point and time, he just wants to settle down and move on with life.
But I have observed from experience, that women get scared of this type of guys...... thinking they have skeletons in the cupboard (some do have).
NB
I think the Op should encourage him, and at the same time tell him to date/court her for sometime, to enable them learn each other. If the guys intentions are noble, he will be very happy with this answer.
She may regret it, if she outrightly rejects him and another accepts him shortly after that.
In my case, I have dated a lot of women and found that physically it is the same thing 'down there'. But if you matured and patient, you can equally handle all women character wise.
So it got to the point, where I will first hint marriage before I start dating/courting properly. But women, will then see you as being desperate....LoL

I totally agree with you eagle eye...probably one of the few ladies here who will. I met my hubby the same way too, though we knew ourselves from friends we had never met. He asked me to marry him 3 days after we met and I said yes. We starting courting and married two years later. I understand one can get suspicious and curious, but you can never fully know anybody in a month, 5 years or even a lifetime together.
@ OP, give this man a chance, don't prolong getting married too long, once you accept his proposal concentrate on understanding the sort of person he is and if you want to pass the rest of your life together. Sit down and talk about all the important issues people have said earlier. The difference between this kind of relationship where a man makes his intentions known is that you know where you are heading to, the altar. You are not in a relationship of doubts. If you feel you are not mature or ready to settle down then please decline his offer.

My dear opponent contestant number 7, you have highlighted, from your perspective, why premarital sex is a "taboo" but you have not given enough evidence to back any of your excerptions as premarital sex has little or nothing to do with the consequences listed. As those said situations will arise with or without premarital sex occurring.

If sex creates strong bond between partners, then why do we still have heartbreaks and divorces. Even some married ones want out!

I can assure you that there are cases of heartbreaks and divorces among individuals who marry as virgins, as well as cases of couples who engaged in premarital sex and have been happily married for over 35 years. And so my first question to you.

QUESTION 1
A couple got married in Nasarawa state 15 months ago and now the wife is filling her husband for divorce because of excessive sexual demands. Has not having sex before marriage saved this particular couple from heartbreaks and a most likely divorce?





Trust and Jealousy: Having multiple intimate partners before finally marrying could escalate trivial matters. A partner might think he/she is not better than the others in the past.

QUESTION 2
A married couple may choose to have an open relationship with other sexual partners (which does happen). A person may have pre-marital sex with the person they choose to marry, voiding this argument entirely. I see no basis for the claim "having multiple partners before marriage escalate trivial matters ."
Are you trying to say that it is ok to have multiple sexual partners after marriage, if that is what a married couple desire? Would the question of who is better that who not still arise?


Testimony and Psychology: A source of encouragement. How do you encourage others and your children when you have no good testimony? It reminds of the movie, “ghosts of my ex-girlfriends”

QUESTION 3
Imagine a case of two adult virgin ( this is for my opponent's benefit) who have decided to tie the knot. They announce their decision to their family members and friends, and fix a date for the wedding. These two now decide to engage in premarital sex months prior to the wedding date. They are both healthy, virgins, and have not had any past to create trivial matters. They have sex, bonded and discovered they were sexually compatible as well, and so went ahead to be married. They have children, and are happily married and would be grand parents soon.
Isn't that a wonderful story to tell your children about how mom and dad met? Isn't that enough encouragement on the importance of premarital sex?

I for one, will be more than happy to share that story with anyone while encouraging them to have premarital sex.
Like I stated initially, your reasons for waiting till after marriage are not grounded enough and lack evidence to prove your point.

Tgirl4real: Lerie John, u are not replying your opponent.

Sorry about the mix up oh. Done! Questions answered and questions asked.

Tgirl4real: You are only required to quote the portion your question is based on.

Also, you need to respond to the questions already posted to you by your opponent.

Sorry about the mix up. Done. Answered his / her questions as well.

This is contestant 3 answers to contestant 7.


contestant 3, please can you educate me more please?

1. “SEX is a private, profound, physical and intimate act, that should be practised between two CONSENTING ADULTS. CONSENTING because anything outside of that is considered molestation, and ADULTS because of the mental and physical risk ( STDs, pregnancy, or heart breaks) associated with sex. “

My question: Consenting adults? Are teenagers also considered as adults in this regards. And based on the knowledge of a teenager, what does he/she know, let alone of consenting to a theory that involves mental and physical risk as you mentioned. And do you think an adult that is not married but prefers premarital should be considered as an adult. Age is just a number.

Dear contestant 7. Answering your question, a teenager is not an adult by law until he reaches the age of 21. Therefore, should not participate in any kind of sex, both marital or premarital until of age. Anything outside of that is molestation. By law age is not only a number,age holds you responsible for your actions. That is why under age children have parents and guardians responsible for them.


2. “In the African society, sex is highly frowned upon and considered "taboo", if practised before marriage. Not only is the notion of sex influenced by our traditional and cultural beliefs, it is also highly influenced by religious beliefs as well - where sex is considered to be a dirty and unclean act, a sin, and a thing to be shameful about. Notwithstanding these beliefs, statistics have shown that 85% of individuals between the ages of 15 - 45 practise sex before marriage. Why ignore the obvious? This brings me to defend my notion on why premarital sex, with a person with whom you are considering marriage or engaged to, is very important, and beneficial for both parties in the long run.”

My question: When 99% does wrong and 1% does right. Does that make the 1% wrong and 99% right? If that is the case, then I think corruption should be legal in Nigeria.

What is wrong and what is right? Every country has rules and laws as guidelines to establish these. When there is corruption there are laws that prohibit and punish such acts. There is no civil law that condemns two over age, consenting adults for having premarital sex.
Like I said, the notion of sex is highly influenced by our traditional and cultural beliefs, it is also highly influenced by religious beliefs and their repercussions have no civil value.

3. “Marriage is a life long commitment; and one of its fundamentals is absolute fidelity. This is because sex, plays an important role in determining marital longevity. How can one buy a car without test driving first?”

My question: if that is the case, then I want to believe that this refuted all your reasons for having premarital sex. Why do we still have cases of heartbreaks and divorces when sex is supposed to give marital longevity when they must have considered themselves intimate compatible before wedding? Now you are comparing a car to a woman. Like seriously?

Strangely, I asked you that question as well. Waiting for marriage before sex does not guarantee marital stabile, longevity, heartbreaks nor frustrations. Neither does waiting prevent you from diseases or unwanted pregnancy. Whereas premarital sex with a sole individual might prevent you from diseases if he is faithful as well.

I hope I have been able to satisfy all your curiosity. Thank you.

This is contestant 3 and my questions for contestant 7.

My dear opponent contestant number 7, you have highlighted, from your perspective, why premarital sex is a "taboo" but you have not given enough evidence to back any of your excerptions as premarital sex has little or nothing to do with the consequences listed. As those said situations will arise with or without premarital sex occurring.

Tgirl4real: Contestant 7



[b]If sex creates strong bond between partners, then why do we still have heartbreaks and divorces. Even some married ones want out!

I can assure you that there are cases of heartbreaks and divorces among individuals who marry as virgins, as well as cases of couples who engaged in premarital sex and have been happily married for over 35 years. And so my first question to you.

A couple got married in Nasarawa state 15 months ago and now the wife is filling her husband for divorce because of excessive sexual demands. Has not having sex before marriage saved this particular couple from heartbreaks and a most likely divorce?






1. Trust and Jealousy: Having multiple sexual partners before finally marrying could escalate trivial matters. A partner might think he/she is not better than the others in the past.

A married couple may choose to have an open relationship with other sexual partners (which does happen). A person may have pre-marital sex with the person they choose to marry, voiding this argument entirely. I see no basis for the claim "having multiple partners before marriage escalate trivial matters ."
Are you trying to say that it is ok to have multiple sexual partners after marriage, if that is what a married couple desire? Would the question of who is better that who not still arise?



4 Testimony and Psychology: A source of encouragement. How do you encourage others and your children when you have no good testimony? It reminds of the movie, “ghosts of my ex-girlfriends”

Imagine a case of two adult virgin ( this is for my opponent's benefit) who have decided to tie the knot. They announce their decision to their family members and friends, and fix a date for the wedding. These two now decide to engage in premarital sex months prior to the wedding date. They are both healthy, virgins, and have not had any past to create trivial matters. They have sex, bonded and discovered they were sexually compatible as well, and so went ahead to be married. They have children, and are happily married and would be grand parents soon.
Isn't that a wonderful story to tell your children about how mom and dad met? Isn't that enough encouragement on the importance of premarital sex?

I for one, will be more than happy to share that story with anyone while encouraging them to have premarital sex.
Like I stated initially, your reasons for waiting till after marriage are not grounded enough and lack evidence to prove your point.

What's happening now? It's like every one's gone

Tgirl4real: We are on Plan B, so it's 3.

Each group have 20mins for their rebuttal.

Alright.

@ Tgirl exactly how many queries are there at rebuttal stage? 3 or 5?

Yes oh, let's get started.

Well done presentation contestant 9. But why is the phrase "spare the rod and spoil the child" understood to reflect only physical abuse? I like that contestants 7 and 8 talked about discipline. I think that's the whole point. Discipline, correct or not...just my opinion!

Fynestboi: Mute.

Your opinions so far on the other essays have been interesting. What do you think about the last two? 5 and 6

Ok comments only, no more scores.