₦airaland Forum

Big deal or not? It all counts down to the meaning one attaches to the wedding band. Mine for instance has a lot of meaning to me and If I loose it ( cos I take it off every night before going to bed), I would feel very bad. I don't think any other ring will have the same meaning to me.

The way your husband's family treats you depends a lot on your husband. From all you have said, I don't think you and your husband communicate much. It's not your In-laws that should inform you about such decisions but your husband. As for what to do when your SIL moves in, well respect yourself and play your role as madam of the house. You can't be cooking and cleaning after her nor exchanging words with her neither. It's your home, you manage it.

thuao: Good day house,
I av noticed that brides cry on their wedding day, their parents esp their mums join them as well.
I jst married like 2wks and my wife n her mum cried as well. When I asked her she said she didn't knw y, that she just cried.
So is there any reason( psychological, medical ,social, spiritual) y they cry.
I know its not easy leaving ur parents/family and ur old life.
Just wana hear ur the married ones and the singles wud u cry.

When I got married over a year ago I was extremely happy but I didn't shed a tear. I was really touched when my younger sister ( who is no more, may her sweet and gentle soul rest in peace ) sang the psalm in church and when my dad gave his speech at the reception but no tears falling down my face for me. My mom didn't cry either and neither did the rest of my family. The only person who cried a bit at the reception was my MIL. But then she got hugs from everyone and was smiling and partying again.
I have wondered sometimes why I didn't cry when I see at least 80% of other brides cry. Maybe the reason I did not cry is because I was sure of my decision and didn't have any fears or worry that I'm loosing something or letting go of someone else. I had every reason to be happy.

@Camille Golgi, Ewurro, Kanwuila

Thank you guys.
Marriage ain't easy but for those of us in it we know sey the pros plenty pass the cons. Monkey fine e no fine but e mama like am like that.

@ ballotti your posts are sooooo fuuuuuun . Nice pixs.

@ OP my younger sister used to be afraid like hell of her shadow too around that same age. Whenever Nepa took light and candles were lit she would scream n cry. We had to explain to her everybody had shadows. She kind of understood but was still afraid all the same because it followed her everywhere. So we found out ways to avoid her seeing her shadow to help her out. Like placing her back on the wall or placing the candle in a way that her shadow was behind her. Anyway, she outgrew it.....at least I hope she did cos she's 24yrs now...imagine if she's still scared...hahahaha..I will ask her.

Dear OP you seem surprise at your pastors choice and are finding reasons why your pastors choice is not wise for you. In your presentation you highlighted all the negative attributes of the lady your pastor chose for you ( man beater, school drop out, etc) and you highlighted that the other lady of interest is an "almost faultless youth corper".
What I don't understand is where your confusion lies? I could come up with my own assumptions but they may not be right.
If the choice of your mother and pastor is as bad as you painted her and your youth corper is as angelic as you described, then your choice is made.

Wish your mom a quick recovery and thank God for his healing mercies because He has healed her.

I wish I could say marriage is sweet, or marriage is bitter, or marriage is forever, or marriage will lead to divorce, or marriage means you and your partner will always love each other, never fight, never cheat, never flirt. Or that you guys will be able to always complete each other's sentences, read each other's thoughts, be always supportive of the other, or be forever sexually attractive and never boring.
Unfortunately/ fortunately ( depends on how you look at it. Either as a glass halfway full or as a glass halfway empty) marriage isn't either one of these things.
Marriage is a complex combination of all these things. And the ability to make it work depends on ones maturity plus other varying factors that we all know very well.
If siblings born of the same parents can't stand each other all the time, imagine how it is for two individuals who have no blood tie to live together.
Sometimes in marriage you feel so happy, you are in heaven. Other times you almost hate your partner as intensely as you love them. Other times you feel comfortable, I'm getting used to it, lemme use this or that approach, it will be well. And when you begin to relax, thinking you have known it all, you and your partner love and understand each other perfectly, another temptation pops in to try your foundations and you start learning all over again.
Yes marriage is beautiful. It's full of never ending experiences happy and sad; difficult experiences that will make you question your very self. But at the same time, magical moments that words can't describe enough. It's not limited to you and your partner, it includes your kids as well.
Different individuals with different identities but with one common goal, THE FAMILY and united with one common sentiment, LOVE.
That's the way marriage is supposed to be. But when these difficulties become life threatening and aren't bound by love anymore the best option is to go apart.
So what makes marriage work for me? My answer is ME. I make my marriage the way I desire it to be. Loving and respecting my family and putting their needs as a priority cos my family is me and I am them.

A monthly family budget is really the best way to go. It's not easy for most of us to keep up in the long run...I try to but it's really hard not to go above budget plans...

Cosmass: I remembered the written sentence in bold. The friend called me today, but I ignored and not even thinking of returning the call. Stronger than before, would have entertained the call but NO MORE!

Good for you girl! Nice to hear you are stronger...just keep on being strong...xo

Toyin this is indeed a very sad, painful and delicate topic. There are a lot of young women out there with similar experiences therefore I'm happy you brought this topic up and I hope the little I have to contribute gives those ladies a little strength and confidence that they can get through this. Sexual molestation at whatever age is indeed a traumatic experience and deeply affects the victims in their daily rapport with people (as she already said she finds it difficult to trust) .

Dear lady, the fact that you are talking about it is a great beginning to facing the problem. You have just taken the most important step because telling someone else about a personal experience such as being sexually abused is one of the most difficult things to do and shows a great deal of trust.

Talking about it isn't enough though. Hard as it may seem, psychologists advice on confrontation; not with the person but with yourself. In your letter you wrote "Anytime i am in a relationship, the scene from the past keeps playing in my mind, and i see that distrust in all men. No matter how i try to look beyond what happened, i see myself falling back." Self confrontation involves gaining awareness of all the feelings you had during the abuse, as well as all the feelings that you still have years later. True confrontation of the abuse means that you relive every moment in your mind, remembering every feeling, and examining each of them honestly, rather than acting them out and regurgitating them thoughtlessly in present-day relationships. Facing these hurtful feelings, accepting them as a part of your life experience, will help minimise that feeling of falling back you earlier described.

There are different ways to self confront, you could do that through writing ( not necessarily a diary or journal, any piece of paper will do even if you will have to throw it away afterwards), physical exercises like kick boxing, or orchestrated movements such as yoga. Your goal is letting the feeling out, whether it be anger, pain, betrayal, frustration, you just have to face it, look it in the eye, absorb it and then let it go. You could even think about these feelings and scream out or cry as loud as you want to, don't hold back...let it all out.
Once you begin to rediscover yourself and love yourself again, (leaving out all the blames on why it happened), you would be able to install better relationship with other people and finally get to trust someone else ( a male companion) a little at a time.
You can't do this alone you would need a friend, a confidante, someone you can trust and express your feeling to without being judged, someone who would remind you how special you are whenever you feel down or lost and confused. In this case I believe you have Toyin.
It's not an easy process and it takes time but with goodwill, hard work and faith (if you are a religious person) you will get through this and will have a good, positive and meaningful relationship with a man who will understand you and most especially be a friend.

@ OP your topic should be " Does he want a relationship with me? " the answer is NO.
Your guy ke!!!, from your story you guys aren't even dating cos he doesn't show up.
He's not "your man" until you are in a real relationship.

Hmmn if I were that girl I don't know what I will do to you the day you come knocking at my door telling your Cock and bull story. You molested me? When? How? My child I bore and raised myself looks like you? Loooong talk! Plus you are from my village and I see you now and then! God help me not to kill you!
Andrew if you really feel remorse, which I doubt you do, the only way you can[b] sort of[/b] amend your sins is to sponsor that child without making any claims or confessing. Pay the child's school fees till they graduate from the university, buy his school books and send the mother feeding money for the upkeep of the child. When asked why you are doing this, just say you want to help the child. NO STRINGS ATTACHED, NO CONFESSIONS, NO CLAIMS. I doubt you can do that.....

I would say you should discuss your medical condition with your fiancée before marriage, after which both of you can go visit the specialist again. That way together you can plan when and how to start planning your family and when to begin treatment.

Sick things as these happen even in naija...people like this should be dealt severe punishments..

By Dayo Johnson, Akure VANGUARD NEWSPAPER
The people of Akure, Ondo State capital were shocked last week when, a 71-year- old night guard/hunter, Alhaji Ganiyu Kolawole lured a 7-year-old girl, Taye Juliana with a biscuit into his ramshackle room and raped her in broad day light.
Sources said the suspect who is cooling his feet in the custody of the State Command of Nigeria Security and Civil Defense Corps, NSCDC, had, within the space of two years after returning from jail for rape, raped no fewer than five children in the area.
- See more at: http://www.vanguardngr.com/2013/12/septuagenarian-jail-bird-caught-raping-7-yr-old-pupil/#sthash.n8rcQFHB.dpuf

Hmmn.........I think there are lots of ways to relive happy memories. Dont like the idea ( especially that of a child) replaying the same pictures taken by the dead, even if the person in question is the mom.

I'm scared of all insects and creeping things but I don't mind geckos at all, I'm even glad to have them at home...as a child I was told they bring good fortune too

Efe is on fire

Ify is so right on 28 being late in Nigeria nowadays. Just last year I know of 3 under 20 year old girls who got married and are mothers now. It's a serious competition out in the relationship jungle. If a lady waits till 24 she just turns old school as the under 20s emerge everyday, sexier, trashier and ready to nail any available eligible bachelor.

ifyalways: "One of the most powerful teaching tools parents have to convey their values to their children is their own relationship. Children will learn to be tender, compassionate and respectful of their partners when they see their parents model these behaviors".

^ ^ ^ @ Efe,what happens if the parent(s) themselves do not possess those qualities? What if it's a bitter single parent or divorced? Would they still qualify as role models?

Unfortunately a bitter single parent or divorced is still a role model, thus giving rise to future abusers and abused...it's what they learnt from home na...
@ debate topic...hmmn I wouldn't even know which to choose as this topic is quite controversial...let's see how well they defend their notions

@ Efe and obinoscopy good luck for the debate tonite...
Patiently Waiting for you guys to air your opinions...

Dear cosmass
I have read your previous posts and I'm sorry you have to go through so much. Unfortunately whatever I say is just my opinion but I hope it makes you feel at least a lil better.
From what you narrated on the day you had the laptop issues and his family reactions, I feel it was all a deliberate planned act to enable them postpone the wedding n I feel his family probably dont approve of you.
Notwithstanding this man hurt you and left you without an explanation. He put a gap between you guys after two years without an explanation ( whether it be jazz, I doubt , woman, or family pressure , most probably the latter). I believe everything in life happens for a reason n the reason in this case indicates he's probably not for you. Personally I do not believe in reconciliation after break up because the trust is gone.
My advice to you as a woman to another woman my dear, is to take time off to heal. Just feel the pain, cry, scream if you have to, after which stand up, wash your face, put on make up and smile at your reflection because you are worth more and you deserve much more. Take time to nurse yourself, be you, do whatever makes you happy, no rules and regulations.
As for the closure you asked about, deep in our minds, if you take a good look, is a deep bottomless well. Think about all the times you guys spent together, good, bad, whatever, after which put them in a box , and lock it with chain and just let it drop down into that well until you can't see it anymore....I read that in a book once when I had my heart broken and it helped me forget. Now and then the box may try to resurface, any time it does just go back to your mind well and let the box fall down deepery again...
When you heal, your mind will be open to love again and you will be surprised what life has in store for you.
As for your things with him if they are things you DONT NEED just forget about them. Change your number or block any contact from his. Block any contact from his mutual friend as well, whatever your ex is going through shouldn't concern you anymore. Let his family and friends pray for him.
I hope you are able to move on with your life and you heal too dear. Lots of luck and may God bless you.

baralatie: gud question!now if these issue exactly haqend to u,wil u go ahead and marry!

My reply after her detailed explanation ...

@ OP after the details you just gave I can sweetly tell you to think seriously before tying the knot with your fiancé. You both have a lot of work to do on your relationship. Seems he has little/no respect for you. In future keep your past to yourself that way it can't be used against you.


@ baralatie, this specific situation apart, divorce n break up advices flow in a lot from several other threads....just my opinion

jennykadry: When a hoodless yekini is hammering a woman from behind whilst she is resting her weight on the dinning table, the thrusts push her forward and backward and as that happens, she is able to wipe clean the table with an antiseptic wipe.

This thread has grown steaming hot oh.....afraid catch me even to peep

I feel sorry for the poor woman alias second choice wife your friend has at home. She's probably working hard and trying to manage the family while your friend is thinking about his widowed ex. She's probably not getting it as she used to and thinking her husband is probably tired or blaming herself quietly. If only she knew......

It's amazing the amount of break up advices coming in anytime someone has a problem in their relationship on NL. I wonder how the family structure will be in naija fifty years from now.

@ OP after the details you just gave I can sweetly tell you to think seriously before tying the knot with your fiancé. You both have a lot of work to do on your relationship. Seems he has little/no respect for you. In future keep your past to yourself that way it can't be used against you.

@ everyone quoting me seems y'all didn't read the part of my message that says clear things between yourselves before calling off the wedding. Whether OP decides to break up or not she has to close the chapter by talking to the guy about it, that way she can move on with certainty that her decision ( whatever it will be ) is the right choice.