₦airaland Forum

^^^^ I did talk to him. He "claims" he's just been too hot for me to be so close to him, or touching him randomly, But then when we get in the bedroom, then its another story.

He spent most of his life here (Naija) so I guess when in Rome, do as the Romans.

/\ /\ /\ ur wecome!

Tell me yuoir understanding and use of he word Akata. My hubby and friend say iAKATA is not a negative term, unless it has evolved since his day it was used,

My mom and dad kissed and hugged in front of us all the time. he would even smack her bottom now and then- they would even slow dance together in the living room, just the two of them.

I use to be so embarassed. Mom explained that married people are the ones who should be smooching and cuddling- not the single people-- the way t.v. will show u men and women fornicating all the time. They taught us that sex and sensuality was God's gift to Married People.

In the STATEA my hubby and I are open to affection anywhere in the house- even if the kidis are there. We tell them-- this is our house YOU go to YOUR Room if you don't wanna see us kiss and flirt about the place.

But sadly- since being in Naija- he won't let me kiss him, hug him, or even sit close to him on the sofa if anyone is around. We haven't even held hands in the months we have been here.

I honestly feel deprived. You can't withhold all affection and flirtation then get in the bedroom and suddenly say "Let's do it". For most women, the joy of sex in PRECEDED by those small mental and physical flirtations that happen BEFORE your enter the bedroom.

I have the EXACT SAME ISSUE NOW!

Met a close family friend/in-law recently- and I thought he was sexy fron the moment I saw him.

But to me, its nature to NOTICE an attractive man or woman. The problem is , it is now a crush that sneaks into my thoughts at all times of the day.

So I am sure to be very brief and reserved when I am around him, and I usually go the other direction when he is around-or I think of bible scriptures or pray when my imagination starts thinking of inappropriate things.

I DO feel guilty for having this crush- and I would advise anyone to NEVER EVER EVER mention it to ANYONE.

Crushes happen- its life- and as long as no one acts on it, or verbalizes it- they REMAIN INNOCENT and NO HArm done.

imo

I noticed the same thing. In my circle- ALLL our Nigerian female friends married Nigerian men. Most of our male Nigerian friends date and/or marry African-American women.

i asked hubby about it, he said several things: (this is my Nigerian husbands explanation- and he is not an authority just one voice - so haters - keep silent if u don't like it.

1- Its less cultutally acceptable for naija women to marry black americans (yes there is a double standard).
2- Most Nigerian women tend to keep to themselves in the states (super close ties only with other african women and social circles), so there is less of a chance to even mingle close enough socially to date a black american
3- men are going to "sow their wild oats" naturally- So- its more likely and acceptable the African Man ends up broadening his horizons with women from "other" backgrounds.
4- A lot of African women don't "look approachable" to American men. Though they are beautiful- Their Attitude and facial expressions send messages that they are always in a state of disgust with someone or something- so black american men see that as a clear sign to NOT Approach such women.

@ Stillwater: ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! Good one!

@abx76: <<<makes a good point, I think.

I never that about Ethiopia. And agree 100% with Africhika too.

Self-reliance makes a huge difference.

@Nwaka: I did state that it is "nearly impossible". If you know English well then you know that statement allows for the possibility that chewing gum DOES NOT APPLY to every single naija woman.

If you asked why Akatas are bastards- it would still be a legitimate question since MOST black american children are raised only by a mother and no father.

ANY INTELLIGENT OR HALF EDUCATED PERSON ALWAYS UNDERSTANDS THAT THEIR ARE EXCEPTIONS TO ANY GENERALIZATION, AND THEY HAVE THE BRAINS ENOUGH TO REPLY WITH THAT UNDERSTANDING.

You are a HATER.

I ask my question on nairaland for the same reason most of you don't walk up to IGBOS and say; Why are you so money hungry?" - INSTEAD YOU postthat question on nairakand. And for the same reason others don't directly ask a citizen of Lagos, "Why YORUBAS practice old fashioned traditions like tribal markings." The same reason why "You" spew hate for Akatas, but while you're in Yankee you wouldn't DARE STEP TO THEIR FACE and talk this same shyt without 15 of your girls by your side.

Responses like yours confirm that your thinking is clouded by self-hate, insecurity, and jealousy of black americans.

You probably hang out with 100% Nigerian women in the states speaking and laughing in your tribal language around them, make no attempt to be friendly to blacks americans, looking them up and down judging them to be ghetto or not, and then claim THEY just dislike you for no reason at all.

YOU ARE A SEPARATIST- but claim akatas are just evil bullies.

You sound like the black americans who are always pulling the race card when something doesn't go in their favor. You are sound and think EXACTLY LIKE the AKATAS that you hate so much.

LOL! While you are claiming this as a Nigerian forum, you fail to realize and accept that many people here are probably HALF AKATA, or HALF Brit, HALF American, You are just a SUCKER because my screen name says AKATA- and now you are forever blinded by that - so anything I say will be used against me.

just remember, "By Whatever measure you use to judge others, God will also judge you by the same."

The thread was started because someone had posted a "Nigerian Women vs American Women" thread. Since women are often under scrutiny and judgement by men, I thought it only fair to share some thoughts about the men.

I like it! Relaxing atmosphere. The food was good- and in large portions. No complaints here.

@Dede1: PLEASE Highlight and QUOTE where I have criticized African women for gum chewing, abeg. I simply said I noticed the intensity in which it is done and I wanted to know if there were some cultural link to it.

for instance, in America some people chew tobacco. Some people chew on stick (which in some cultures is equivolent to flossing).

Dang, I can't ever ask a stinking question without everybody feeling like I am attacking. Yet - 95% of the threads here are BY Nigerians, trying to kick up some OBVIOUS tribalism, or sterotype or discrimination one way or another and just because I am Akata, MY QUESTIONS ARE NEVER ANSWERED, THEY ARE ONLY ATTACKED!!

Then if I were to say that from my experience here, I notice partiality against me, Several People will no doubt claim that i am just trying to start some wahala. People are too busy being defensive to even see the true meaning and intent behind most of my posts.

Londoner said she noticed the SAME THING about the gum chewing, but she MAGICALLY gets a pardon- but not me!

I will ask the same and similar questions using a Nigerian-like screenname and no red flags arise about my questions.

Picking up an accent is DIFFERENT from picking up slang and colloquialisms. There is a major difference.

I'm from the "when in rome, do as the romans" school of thought.

Black Americans have to learn how to switch from ebonics to standard american english when the time and place neccessitates it.

Africans should do the same- because its all about being understood.

When I am in naija- i have to repeat myself several times until I learned I need to speak more slowly, and use more lcoal terminology than american. But that was also TRUE when in the US i moved from Detroit to Alabama.

So how do we stop the cycle? Is it even possible to shake the white man's negative influences on our psyche? be they intentional or happenstance-- i wanna get over white people, and I want my kids to grow up FREE from their bondage. is it even possible? If so, how?


*I'm not calling for a boycott of all "beauty enhacements" - LOL - But what i am talking about is how can we as black women can be just as confident, comfortable, and ACCEPTED by our men and peers even WHEN/IF we choose to stop hiding our God given features under so much "stuff".

Nairalanders- any sugegstions?

LOL- My experience says that being pretty is usually an advantage, BUT SOMETIMES it can, and does work against a person.

I do want to clarify that I never heard "pretty for a dark skinned girl" in Nigeria. I said, I heard sentiments SIMILAR to it - happen between an adult and child in Nigeria.

More specifically- an adult chided that the child was getting black for playing outside too much- and that her pretty fair skin had turned black. The child retorted, I am not ugly. The adult said- yes you have gotten black. yadda yadda, you are no more pretty like your sister (who was still faired skinned and un-blackened).

So in this context, black was synonymous with ugly, and being fair meant being prettier.

@Londoner: you make a good point about areas affected by colonialism and slavery. This is my first experience abroad- so I had wrongfully assumed that the white ideals were prevalent in the U.S. only because 80% of the U.S. is white- so to me, that makes sense for that to happen. Doesn't make it right- but I see how it happens.

I also wrongfully ASSUMED that in a predominantly black society or culture (like Nigeria or any other country in africa)- that white ideals would have no, or little foothold on the dictation of beauty standards.

re: braids, they are weaves, but not the same as sew-ins and glue-ins, and wigs, BECAUSE braids can be linked historically to african culture and tradition. many blacks have braided in various items like mud, coweries, fibers, and other adornments with braids for years. of course- I'm sure their reason is different fr om ours- we do it to get a more "straight/wavy/ euro look.

[color=#770077][/We live, we learn, we rewrite whatever generaliztions we made, we re-categorize and relabel- because it helps us comprehend the world around us. So, even though stereotypes and over generalizations can be annoying - they are a HUGE part of our initial understanding of any topic- and as we learn, we modify, learn about exceptions to the rules, and become more well rounded and knowledgable.[color]

@Londoner: No I didn't realize my posts were criticisms, but yes they do deal will observations. In THIS post, my criticism is of BLACK PEOPLE in general succumbing (sp?) to white ideals. I mentioned "fair" skin favoritism between an adult and child, and never said or implied that the adult was a woman.

I wear weave myself- i didn't criticize Nigerian women for wearing weave- i expressed shocked at its prevalence here. It just wasn't something I expected.

I also have stated how beautiful Nigerian women are, and how stylish they are as well.

I asked in another post: How to befriend Nigerian women. That's not a criticism.

In other posts about travel, I mentioned that i liked the people in Lagos.

So no, I had no reason to realize that I was criticising Nigerian Women. As far as my post about the bad kids, I also mentioned this was one single parent, and I did not generalize it to all or most Nigerians. That this was Out of the ordinary considering I know Yoruba people to have a firm hand on their children's behavior.

Men and WOMEN should be confident about their looks. Good esteem is essential, People with Low ESTEEMare a DRAG!

But TOO MUCH confidence implies the person relies on their looks, and not merit or character to get them places in life.

On a Side Note: OFTEN TIMES, really good looking people have a hard time. People snub them- think they are arrogant automatically, don't approach them in the club or other social settings for fear of rejection, and don't compliment them because they assume the good looking person has heard it all before.

Everybody needs affirmation sometimes. No matter how they look. We all want it, and need it occassionally. Just don't base your own value on what someone else thinks, or doesn't think of you.

Its new to me.

It shocked me and hurt my feelings to hear talk of "fair" skinned people being better looking. I have been plagued by this idea since my childhood. You are pretty for a dark skinned girl. But to hear similar sentiments in Nigeria between adukt and child is saddening.

Damn, even in Africa?


Still using bleaching creams, lighter skinned people in advertising and billboards, and bucket loads of make-up on the faces of Nigerian women--from the top of society to the bottom. There are dark skinned beauties here, but 99.9% of them are wearing a foot of weave and 3 pounds of make-up.

WHY DO WHITE PEOPLE AND THEIR IDEALS [font=Lucida Sans Unicode][/font]HAVE SUCH A STRONGHOLD ON THE MINDS AND SELF-IMAGE OF BLACK PEOPLE ALLLLL OVER THE WORLD?!!!

So many beautiful women here drowning in make-up that is too light for their complexion. I thought I would see lots of "natural beauty" - but instead I have seen MORE weave than on the heads of American women, and the same repetitive lightblue, or frost colored eyeshadow on the lids of practically EVERY girl in the city of Lagos and in the villages too!!

I have no point to make- other than to express my shock at this realization.

I somehow thought that Nigerians, being in Africa, would be a little less "tainted" and thus more inspiring to me as black woman. Instead- the same dis-ease with self image and self-acceptance prevails here as well.

I need to smoke a spike Lee Joint to digest this,

Yes I am. thus the username. And your point is,

[center]VARIETY is the spice of life, NOT HOT PEPPER!!!! [/center]

I have eczema. It is agitated by certain foods like milk, sugar, and tomatoes, and other highly acidic foods.

ARE THERE ANY NIGERIAN MEALS THAT DO NOT REQUIRE TOMATOES??

I haven't seen a single green vegetable here except EFO. Where are the green peas, green beans, cabbage, broccoli, collard greens, lima beans, lettuce?

OH GOD I WANT SOME LETTUCE!! A REAL GREEN SALAD WOULD MAKE ME CRY SOOOOO HAPPY AT THIS POINT.

Amerian Men vs Nigerian Men

Any takers?

Nigerian Men: I realllly like them- they are soo sexy and I love their macho and manliness
American Men: They're cool- a little too soft at times, but less domineering.

Nigerian Men: VERY passionate and intense in their pursuit of a woman
American Men: Very casual about pursuing women and assumes few women are "good enough" for him.

Nigerian men: Are more likely to avoid loose trampy ignorant behaving women - wants sex- w/ women who can potentially make good wife material.
American men: Don't mind loose trampy ignorant women- he just wants sex anyway and not marriage.

Nigerian men: Are sexist. Has strict ideals about the role of a woman vs role of a man
American men: not sexist at all. Wants a woman to do all he can do and MORE!

Nigerian Men: will Allow wife to be a housewife.
American Men: think housewives are lazy freeloaders. But if the wife is White (Oyimbo) then its okay for HER to be housewife and raise their children.

Nigerian Men: don't keep six pack , muscles, or stay w/nice physique past 20's or once they are married.
American Men: more likely to keep six pack, muscles, well into 30's, 40's and after marriage.

Nigerian Men: see honor in having wife, and kids
American Men: have 3 kids, and never 1 wife. (according to statistics that 70% of Afr. Amer. children are born out of wedlock.)

Nigerian Men: Appreciate beauty in all colors, and shapes. Do not like thick/plus sized women too often.
American Men: Appreciates beauty in every color except VERY DARK skin, do not like skinny girls too often, is OBSESSED with big butts. A LOT of them favor plus-sized women.

Nigerian men: don't stay in shape past their 20's, or once they are married.
American Men: Are vain and more likely to put more effort into staying in shape and looking young well into 30's and 40's.

Nigerian Men: will cheat and expect wife to forgive and forget.
American men: will cheat and KNOW he will be cussed out from A-Z, AND suffer some type of bitter revenge from the wife.

Nigerian Men: are responsible AND STINGY with money. Wife has to EXPLAIN why she needs it.
American Men: are irresponsible with money, but more likely to share with his wife with little question.

Nigerian Men: Looove Sex and are well endowed.
American men: Looove Sex and are well endowed.

Nigerian Men:Know AIDS is real-so he is more likely to play safely
American men: believe AIDS is a scare tactic and is more likely to take chances with unsafe sex.

[center]Amerian Men vs Nigerian Men[/center]

Any takers?

Nigerian Men: VERY passionate and intense in their pursuit of a woman
American Men: Very casual about pursuing women and assumes few women are "good enough" for him.

Nigerian men: Are more likely to avoid loose trampy ignorant behaving women - wants sex- w/ women who can potentially make good wife material.
American men: Don't mind loose trampy ignorant women- he just wants sex anyway and not marriage.

Nigerian men: Are sexist. Has strict ideals about the role of a woman vs role of a man
American men: not sexist at all. Wants a woman to do all he can do and MORE!

Nigerian Men: will Allow wife to be a housewife.
American Men: think housewives are lazy freeloaders. But if the wife is White (Oyimbo) then its okay for HER to be housewife and raise their children.

Nigerian Men: Appreciate beauty in all colors, and shapes. Do not like thick/plus sized women too often.
American Men: Appreciates beauty in every color except VERY DARK skin, do not like skinny girls too often, is OBSESSED with big butts. A LOT of them favor plus-sized women.

Nigerian men: don't stay in shape past their 20's, or once they are married.
American Men: Are vain and more likely to put more effort into staying in shape and looking young well into 30's and 40's.

Nigerian Men: will cheat and expect wife to forgive and forget.
American men: will cheat and KNOW he will be cussed out from A-Z, AND suffer some type of bitter revenge from the wife.

Nigerian Men: are responsible AND STINGY with money. Wife has to EXPLAIN why she needs it.
American Men: are irresponsible with money, but more likely to share with his wife with little question.

Nigerian Men: Looove Sex and are well endowed.
American men: Looove Sex and are well endowed.

Nigerian Men:Know AIDS is real-so he is more likely to play safely
American men: believe AIDS is a scare tactic and is more likely to take chances with unsafe sex.