Every woman complains about the lack of help. If ure in Nigeria, get an househelp.

my dear i feel u totally. What u described was me in the first few weeks of us living together bearing in mind i was 4 months pregnant by then. I would clean and clean and be so fagged out at the end of the day cos he was just too dirty. Yet when he came home he would ask what have u been doing all day. No matter what i said it was, so what else did u do, watch Africa Magic?

When i resumed work that month, it was worse. I stopped feeling bad about it. I will even join him in the parlour and we will browse, watch films and gist. Let the house catch fire 4 all i care, this life is only once. I will clean only when i am up to it and not the whole house. He doesn't mind. I no fit kill myself. When MIL comes around, she brings her househelp and he cleans the house from top to bottom.

Appreciate the ones he does and forget the rest. Its a woman's life to carry such burdens. Spend time with him and leave housework for a bit. I would rather have baby any day than an autocrat. Don't just send him on errands, do stuff together and make it a happy time. Make him look forward to coming home not drinking himself to stupor at a bar with the excuse that he is waiting for traffic to reduce.

My own 50kobo.

@ poster, you have been give some really good advice, suggest you should try them out:

pendo89:

That is what Marriage reality is about, After the wedding,the honeymoon and all the sweet sweets,you find yourself with somebody you just cant understand because their true character and habits start showing.

People fight over pressing colgate the correct way,spreading beds ,the toilet seat, the garbage very silly things which if left unattended grow up into mountains.
Its very difficult and emotionally draining trying to change a grown up.He is fully grown, and stuck with his habits,not like a child that you can easily mould,therefore we need adjust and bear with each other's weakneses unless they are life threatening.

But there's still a way you can talk him into helping you at least.You do not even have kids so I hate to imagine how worse it could get!
Talk positively and remember,men can be like kids at times.When he does one nice thing show him lots of appreciation.That may encourage him to help you out again.
One thing I urge you to never ever do is talk about other men and how they treat their wives to your husband. Ouch that hurts his ego to the core.

Even if its true be wise and remember you picked him out of them all because he was the best.

Besides never judge a book by its cover.Not 2 marriages are the same.They also have their challenges which may even be worse than yours.The grass is not always green on the other side.Its only year one.Lots of adjustments take place within the first 3 yrs.
Cheers.

Miss_Ife:

This post made me smile cos the poster husband reminds me so much of my own 

I can testify that I carefully dated him and noticed that he was hardworking, knew how to cook, clean, take care of kids and stuff. He is always eager to help others, the first year of our marriage he was sometimes doing more than me in the house! But few years down the road, though he does some things at home, his share of the housechores has considerably reduced, while mine increased due to children. I used to get so mad at it, but later found it was useless. My solution was simple : first, remind myself that, if he wasn't there, I would still do most of these housechores for me and my kids. Then, I followed ronkebp's advice : no need to clean the house from top to bottom at once, a little bit everyday is a much easier way to handle it. Finally, I started involving him in the housechores "without him noticing" : i put the baby+bottle in his arms while he's watching TV, I ask him to hang the clothes while I finish cooking ("otherwise the meal will be late", little things like that, I always add up nice words and tell him thank you. Sometimes I even tease him and tell him he can't clean/cook as well as me, he takes the joke seriously and does all he can to prove me wrong,  when it's done I just sit there and tell him "since your egusi soup is soooo sweet, pls cook it again, I really want to eat some tomorrow!" 

jennykadry:

lol poster calm down, this is a very easy case but first off let me welcome you to married life. Sit down and enjoy the ride.

Your husband is not the only person that litters his clothes everywhere mine does, infact mine loves one blue socks of his and if he doesn't find it, he will scatter the whole place looking for it instead of taking another one. this is the same man that was so organized during courtship that even i thought i wouldn't be good enuff for him. Truth is men are babies and when they see a woman in the house, their baby nature comes out in full.

My brother was once a bachelor, this dude cooks better than me. My mum thought all her boys how to cook, his egusi and stew is to die for but guess what whenever I visited him then on school break, this dude will stop doing the housechores.

blank:

my dear i feel u totally. What u described was me in the first few weeks of us living together bearing in mind i was 4 months pregnant by then. I would clean and clean and be so fagged out at the end of the day cos he was just too dirty. Yet when he came home he would ask what have u been doing all day. No matter what i said it was, so what else did u do, watch Africa Magic?

When i resumed work that month, it was worse. I stopped feeling bad about it. I will even join him in the parlour and we will browse, watch films and gist. Let the house catch fire 4 all i care, this life is only once. I will clean only when i am up to it and not the whole house. He doesn't mind. I no fit kill myself. When MIL comes around, she brings her househelp and he cleans the house from top to bottom.

Appreciate the ones he does and forget the rest. Its a woman's life to carry such burdens. Spend time with him and leave housework for a bit. I would rather have baby any day than an autocrat. Don't just send him on errands, do stuff together and make it a happy time. Make him look forward to coming home not drinking himself to stupor at a bar with the excuse that he is waiting for traffic to reduce.

My own 50kobo.

@OP, take her advise. Do not confront your husband over house chores, be diplomatic if you want his help. It is not a nice thing that he does not want to help you at all but this things happen and it should not be fatal to your relationship.

I love this thread. Men are like that they feel their mother has sent them enough errand when they were small boys. Your husband is your first son. I know it can be overwhelming and annoying especially when you have to do it on daily basis and still work. Remember what brought two of you together. I still believe there are other areas he is good at focus on that and move on this too shall come to pass.

  Don't do the chores at once. Do them gradually you can put on your favorite music that you enjoy to ease off the tension and stress. Some men can be very insensitive especially when they have been conditioned that way

Eddy1977,

If you don't have anything to offer, its better you shut your dirty mouth and stop exposing your ignorance here.
For your information this thread are not mearnt for fools like you. your the one marrying a slowpoke

Appreciate your good response so far. Have come to understand that men are babies. At least let him manage to tidy his own things like keeping his cloths, stop scattering the house for me cos all these add extra work for me.
He is very good at other things though, but that scattering the house and won't help at all in house chores its really a big headache for me. He is very appreciative, always thanking God for having a wife like me, though expected him to put those things in action and not by words only so as to look real.

Thank you all for the advice, love you all!!!!! always count on you guys but not people like Eddy1977

I guess you guys dated before you got married, you should at least know him very well to know how to make him do something. Your husband is feeling as if you want to control him and hence he will act stubborn. Maybe u send ur message across either shouting, rudely, nagging or abusive. There is nobody that cannot change , but it is the way u approach the situation that will matter.Your case is not different most Nigerian men don't help out in the house, so don't make a big fuss out of it.

My dear, let the man be, we have advised you stop chasing after his one flaw before you turn into a mountain. Women are married to wife beaters, serial cheats if my husband wants to scatter d house and leave it smelling I will allow him, stop nagging, your nagging and chasing this issue could push him to a bigger misdeed. If this is the only problem then smile and bear it stop complaining. The more you nag him the more you push him to stay outside to aviod coming home cos he doesn't ant to be nagged and told to get his clothes tidy. As long as my husband is staying at home ansd touching only me even if he poos on the floor I will clean it with a big smile on my face, forget this, tolerate it, u no get problem abeg

Take it easy on me.you are the one with problems and needing help.why fire back at me with such heat.
you seem to indulge in the little pampering you get from kids on nairaland who have no real life experience and who still live in fantasyland.
be mature enough to accept different opinions.especially from wise people.

if you really need help,invest in the services of a professional counsellor.
so far everybody is cajoling you and soothing your ego.
i am the only one who gave you a real life advice.

again,you are the one suffering,not me.

@OP,

You are funny oo. Today when you husband comes back go on your knees and thank him soo much for being a baby.

Cook his favourite meal eat together sit down and browse together and sha@@g him till he loses consciousness now drench him with cold water and start again.

See what this woman in this thread has to say about her own husband

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-717381.0.html

Please i need an advise, My husband has this habit of forgetting his home anything time he is away from home. case study of what happened last week, he was at work till 7pm i got home from work called him, he told me he was still at work and might close late like 9pm, though he closes late most times, have complained about his closing late after work but he still has not changed. Rather he kept on apologizing everyday, though am not suspecting his doing something at my back, its just for his safety, and the companionship. i stayed awake and waited for him to come back till 1am, had to call his phone only for him to call back and was telling me he couldn't finish the work at 9pm so he decided to stay back, that he tried reaching me and my phones were not going through. i didn't believe him cos he is always giving me that excuse of my phones not going through. Having in mind i would be awake waiting for him, even prepared his best soup and pounded yam, even in my present condition with my own money cos he has not be giving me money for food ever since he started saving for one project like that. Thank God am working and i get paid monthly. Don't fully rely on him for money. He only brings out money when it has to do with his relations. Also the same thing happened last month he travel led to village, we were chatting online and was having fun for about 3hrs, till he stopped responding to my chat. i knew he had gotten home and was expecting him to call and get me informed but he didn't, i waited for more 3hrs and he didn't call, had to call him he started apologizing as usual that he got home since and was carried away by excitement, also my phones not going through. I cut the phone out of annoyance and was expecting him to call back which he didn't till after 20hrs. i feel am not cared of and am less important to him. I always care for him more than he does, do everything thing for him, make sure he feeds and his under wears are washed and neatly kept, but i only get apologies everyday from him for not getting the right things done. please what do i do, i feel un cared for!!!!!! am tired of his apologies!!!!!

[color=#006600]There's something married women, especially Nigerians, need to understand about their men. That you are sharing your family's financial responsibility doesn't necessarily mean that you have to share the house chores. If your husband is from a home where boys cook, wash, clean the house, then you're lucky but if your husband is not from such a home, you have two choices; 1. Live with it, praying and hoping he will change, stylishly taking him out to visit other families you admire (make sure you don't comment on anything you want him to see). or 2. Don't go into the marriage in the first place. If it's disturbing you this much pls get a maid to help you out. if you're scared of a female maid, get a male. Like other good people have already told u, Never compare your marriage with anothers'. WE HATE IT WHEN YOU DO!
[/col


I[color=#000099][color=#000099] can testify that I carefully dated him and noticed that he was hardworking, knew how to cook, clean, take care of kids and stuff. He is always eager to help others, the first year of our marriage he was sometimes doing more than me in the house! But few years down the road, though he does some things at home, his share of the housechores has considerably reduced, while mine increased due to children. I used to get so mad at it, but later found it was useless. My solution was simple : first, remind myself that, if he wasn't there, I would still do most of these housechores for me and my kids. Then, I followed ronkebp's advice : no need to clean the house from top to bottom at once, a little bit everyday is a much easier way to handle it. Finally, I started involving him in the housechores "without him noticing" : i put the baby+bottle in his arms while he's watching TV, I ask him to hang the clothes while I finish cooking ("otherwise the meal will be late", little things like that, I always add up nice words and tell him thank you. Sometimes I even tease him and tell him he can't clean/cook as well as me, he takes the joke seriously and does all he can to prove me wrong, when it's done I just sit there and tell him "since your egusi soup is soooo sweet, pls cook it again, I really want to eat some tomorrow!" Grin

The two posters above have given you a very sound advise. @ Miss Ife: You are a wise woman. Please keep it up.

WOMAN! you are the problem in your marriage. Your complaints reek of your immaturity and insecurities. You have got a good husband, One who loves his family ( something you are unnecessarily envious of even though it is obvious you and your children will benefit from that traits in the nearest future) apologizes for his oversights, allows you to impose domestic chores on him, takes all your nagging about his disorganized nature and inability to comply with your home cleaning instructions, and generally put up with all your shits. Relax, do whatever you can do, leave the rest and quit complaining. Fighting you husband over the phone when he is with his relatives is wrong. You are already creating unnecessary enmity, or you think they didn't notice that you were 'raking' for your husband over the phone? A wise woman build her house. Be wise. U av one of the best breed of men. Take care of him, love him, pray for him and teach him with all wisdom and humility. I don't know your background but it appears it is affecting your disposition already. Your man deserve more from you. You are pushing him out already and before you know it, he will find a baby sitter who knows what to do with men like your husband. I Nairalanders can talk you out of your immaturity and insecurities. You have got something worth keeping

@mammy 2
Hope u are not complaining. U got to be carefull the way u talk to him because he has already warned u. Dont force him to buy everything u see in ur friend's house. Be a gud wife, at least God has answered ur prayer by providing a husband.

@ OP

Oh you have a lot to learn, lets get the most important out of the way.

EGO PROTECTION 101: NEVER EVER COMPARE YOUR MAN TO ANY OTHER MAN IN THIS WORLD : AFTER THE LORD NA YOUR HUBBY BIKO all men have very fragile handle with much care ego

ok to the bitter , truth he will not contribute to helping at home. Do what you can.

Write down 3 things you can absolutely not stand

e.g leaving clothes on the flour

if he leaves his clothes on the floor wrap it up and put it in his wardrobe like that,

e.g Waking up late

donot wake him up for school work again na you born am.

Bite me: but house work is for the woman unfortunately 

Make sure your home is tidy and has a feminine touch and food is ready on time but be easy to live with or you will chase him away. Donot be folloeing him ard the house looking for faults and clothes on the flour, [s]sanitation pick his things into his wardrobe is once a day[/s]

Always work with action rather than nagging.

Show tolerance for your hubby's weakness none of us is perfect and know his work are only 3[b] to guide, provide and protect[/b], every else is bonus, your own work is however plenty not fair so if he spoils your work gather it in  a wrapper and keep in his wardrobe.

Try not to be too controlling, let him enjoy his home.
Concentrate on having fun not equality and before you know you will be the uncelebrated and disguised master of your home.

You cannot achieve mastery by force oh, you achieve it by being sweet but with action

Remain sexy, girly  and sassy.

p.s I know you said in the other thread that you donot nagg, but you do, to be kind is better than to be right in marriage donot be a push around but never nag, it fails 100%

mammy 2:

Eddy1977,

If you don't have anything to offer, its better you shut your dirty mouth and stop exposing your ignorance here.
For your information this thread are not mearnt for fools like you. your the one marrying a slowpoke

Hopefully you donot talk to your man like this, i read what eddy wrote he was a bit too, but a woman must use humour & action to put her point across.
Your above utterances are not feminine and its ok for eddy but pls lets remember that marriage has eraser this days so be delicate with your husband if he is doing well, trust me vultures are hovering you wanna keep it clean and this comes from being respectful to all , then it becomes a habit and a character,

Its your marriage o, YOUR OWN, only softly softly can catch a monkey

@ Poster, you sure must be pretending not to know some of these things before going into the wedlock. Be rest assured you can't get it any better anywhere as no two relationships are the same. I have been married for over nine years and as the man in the relationship, I can confirm to you that everything you have complained about is just the reverse in the case but what can I do?. You don't want to hear me reel out an epistle as to the way and manner for which I have been managing the non-chalant attitude of my spouse even at the risk of my career and relationships so to speak. The best you can get from me is to admonish you to prepare for many other challenges but keep praying for him in all sincererity and possibly he'll chnage one day.

//

You gals aint see nothing yet; always look before you leap.