The practice of couples living together for many years before marriage seems to be a norm in the western world, but in Nigeria it is still being frowned upon, even though couples are doing it in hiding. The way it's practiced here in Nigeria is the babe has her own fully furnished one bedroom apartment for appearance sake but hardly stays there instead she lives and operates from the boy friend's house whenever her family members come visiting she relocates back home.

My question here is what is your take on this?
- Is the practice good?.
- Should the society accept co-habitation?
- Does it provide a means for the couples to understand themselves better before taking the quantum leap?
- Would it reduce the frequency of divorce since the couples have already practiced living together?
- Have you practiced it before or currently in one?
- What is the experience like?

- Is it wrong for a couple to live together before marriage? -

Co-habitation b4 marriage is wrong. It doesn't add value or respect to the r/ship. What's the point of living together before the marriage when you'll end up living together after the marriage, makes no sense to me. N if you want to know the person you intend marrying, you do so during courtship. I have not n I don't eva intend to.

i am from Ireland and you are right it is the norm to live together while dating here. i am currently living with my nigerian boyfriend her in london. i totally agree with it cause you really get to know the person inside out when living together. i would recommend everyone do. i do not agree with hiding from my family though. you should just tell them if they are not happy they will get used to it. its not good to hide any aspect of your relationship from you family

There is a term in English law called Common law Marriage, it gives legal status to couples that have stayed together for a given minimum length of time. So for those practicing co-habitation without the intention of marrying watch-out, you may wake up one morning and find yourself married against your wish, and for those not willing or capable of footing a normal wedding bill this might be a cheap way out.

Lawyers in da house is this law applicable in Nigeria in view of the fact that most of our laws were dubbed from the English.

Personally I don't have anything against co-habitation since it allows couples simulate marriage conditions, however I don't think it is right or fair to produce kids from this kind of union. I know there is nothing like illegitimate child in Naija once the father accepts the kid as his, but why allow kids to go through this trauma of being the product of a non formalized union?

I agree with babymine especially the value of the relationship part. My brother-in-law and his wife were practically married before they were officially married. So when they got married it was nothing exciting,it was just like legalising what already was. I believe that when a couple get married, they are to have a kind of honeymoon. It doesnt have to be the conventional travel around the globe honey moon. What I mean is there should be a certain period of time after the wedding whereby they are to relish in their new union, blush about certain things and just naturally be excited with the marriage thingy.
If you were living together before marriage, there is no excitment in tying the knot. I believe when there is a new wife in the house, it should be an exciting moment for the family of having a new addition and wanting to pamper and pet the new addition before reality sets in. Those who are married will understand they initial IYAWO, AMARYA & (dont know the word in Ibo) period. Like in the case of my brother in-law, there was no excitement period after the wedding. It was like everyone was just happy to got it over with. She was already like part of the family and so noone even called her iyawo for up to a month. Things just went on as usual. If you intend to get married and have a good marriage, I dont think co-habitation is neccessary. Humans all have flaws and must work on their marriage for it to succeed.So if you find out the person has some flaws you now break up and find someone else? You'll cotinue doing that for ever cos we all have flaws.
Maybe Ive said too much, maybe I'm not making sence, but thats still my 2 cents.

Sometimes,I wonder what length we're going to stretch our 'civilization' to.I think u can get the answer u want to get(just in case u don't already know the truth) by making 'obvious' observations,and asking simple questions.
A lot of what is going on is what is called counterculture;just plain rebellion against the values of our parents,but we know they had more stable relationships and marriages than our generation because they had more respest for moral boundaries and were more willing to make sacrifices.
It would be worth your while to research the statistics of the western world where some of these counterculture currents flow from to see how far their 'civilization' has taken them,and u will be convinced that it is better to stick to the time-honoured values of hallowed respect for decent courtship and marriage in the ways we have known it.Most of the relationships,marriages, 'partnering' in the western world is much like the London weather,notoriously unstable!
To put it plainly,it has not been shown that people who co-habit have more successful marriages,in fact the opposite is the truth.Some just chicken out when they 'fall out' of love since there is no binding law for the unholy union.

I personally do not see the value in co-habitation. However, I do see other's points of view when it comes to understanding ones habits before marriage. My stance is this: If you would be unwilling to marry a person because of where they squeeze the tube of toothpaste, then maybe you really shouldn't be with this person. That's and extremely petty reason to not marry someone. If you say, "Well, that wouldn't stop me from marrying this person" then why live together if you're going to accept and deal with the way this person is with or without living together?

I also say this from a stance of experience. I've lived with my boyfriend for 2 years and it in no way pushed me to marry him. Main reason why:

Why do I have to get married to him if we're already playing house?

Co-habitation can quickly become so convenient that you may not move toward marriage and you very well may end up breaking it off with this person when you find someone else because you're not really obligated to stay with this person. It's a slippery slope.

stephanie7:

i am from Ireland and you are right it is the norm to live together while dating here. i am currently living with my nigerian boyfriend her in london. i totally agree with it cause you really get to know the person inside out when living together. i would recommend everyone do. i do not agree with hiding from my family though. you should just tell them if they are not happy they will get used to it. its not good to hide any aspect of your relationship from you family

it does really mean you get to know the person inside out, you only get to know or see what he wants you to see , people live together for years and you will be suprised that there are things you realy cannot know about the person

But i think its a sin Call it co-habitation or not. thats fornication. sometimes i wonder how God'll judge that one, because its very rampant, , well thats ma own opinion tho, , we all got ours

Grizzly:

But i think its a sin Call it co-habitation or not. thats fornication. sometimes i wonder how God'll judge that one, because its very rampant, , well thats ma own opinion tho, , we all got ours

I don't remember reading anything about fornication on this topic. Its not all about sex. Can't you live with your girl/boyfriend without thinking of sex? ~ at least for a while. I believe there are more to relationship than just roughing the sheets.

Ynot, read your post and laugh. co-habitation without sex? gimme a holiday, , in a 100 people who 'COHABITATE', 85 have sex as frequently as the married folks. 10 have sex once in a while. and the remaining 5 lie about it. thats ma own survey tho. CO-HABITATION is , ,

Is it just me or is it really getting hot in here.

there is no heat here yet o. Coha, b.i, t.at, tion what? the practice is not good; its SIN and the Nigerian society should never accept it.

CalabarMan:

The practice of couples living together for many years before marriage seems to be a norm in the western world, but in Nigeria it is still being frowned upon, even though couples are doing it in hiding. The way it's practiced here in Nigeria is the babe has her own fully furnished one bedroom apartment for appearance sake but hardly stays there instead she lives and operates from the boy friend's house whenever her family members come visiting she relocates back home.

My question here is what is your take on this?
Is the practice good?.
Should the society accept co-habitation?
Does it provide a means for the couples to understand themselves better before taking the quantum leap?
Would it reduce the frequency of divorce since the couples have already practiced living together?
Have you practiced it before or currently in one?
What is the experience like?

1) I personally would never cohabitate w/ any boyfriend. but if a lady or man want to do so then it's their decision and I wouldn't look down on them.
2) I don't think the pracitice is good. It's referred to as "playing house" b/c that's just what it is child's play w/ adult consequences.
3) The society should accept it b/c the society should accept free will.
4) I don't think that it helps the couples b/c American studies show that couples who co-hab before marriage divorce just as frequently as those who don't. Also, some social scientists think that people who co-hab are those who are afraid of committment. people who are like "I won't marry you, but you can move in" and so in America around 50% of people who cohabitate NEVER GET MARRIED!
5) Nope. It wouldn't reduce divorce. It hasn't in the WEST.
6) I haven't done it and I never will.
7) Why? I think a man needs to know that I can take care of myself and that he can take care of himself and that he can't backdoor or squirm in or out of a relationship w/ me. If he wants to live w/ me it's going to have to be for real as in MARRIAGE.

co-habitate ko, co-habitate ni,

what is co-habitation supposed to mean?

The practice of couples living together for many years before marriage seems to be a norm in the western world,

Let us call a spade, a spade. Here is the correct interpretation of @calabarmans msg: The practice of a fornicating man and woman, living together, and fornicating in a legal way for many years before thinking about marriage seems to be a norm in the western world. That is it. yeparipa

yeah right, the major problem of Nigeria is too much of this Western influence. Africans want to be like the west. It is pervading, no the truth is it has pervaded and eaten deep into everything about us, culturally, religiously and morally. How many of our grand-fathers/grand mothers, and great-grandfathers/great-grandmothers cohabitated before our parents and grand-parents were born. If your aged ones are still around, ask them if they knew what co-habitation means. Am I wrong to say that their marriages were more-successful than the marriages today? They didnt even think about all the wahala we have in marriages today. Today, we now have marriage counsellors. Was this a profession in their days,

When a boy/girl, unmarried man and woman cohabitate, what prevents either of them from having a once-in-a-month cohabitation with another unmarried person somewhere else, Cohabitation is a modern way of allowing fornication and adultery, and what do we have as a result today? STDs and HIV.

Biblically, it is wrong, even in the Koran, at least rather than cohabitate, you could marry many wives, at least you "marry", theres no religion that sanctions such a lifestyle. I would say such men and women co-habitating without marriage are mild-swinging practitioners.

Ofcourse, please, marriage on itself doesnt put a stop to extramarital affairs, but with it comes a "sense of responsibility" which many couples in our day dont have. And see, this idea is a ploy by satan to destroy human kind. Once he can succeed in destroying the family, whose bedrock is marriage and commitment to one-another, the battle is over.

Now tell me, if you and your boyfriend/girlfriend are co-habitating, and you have been co-habitating for the past 1-year, are you both always using a condom? why are you suffering yourself, rather than having the real pleasure that is meant to be, if not, so the ladies are on pills, right?(put abortion out of the picture for the moment), doing more harm to yourself and your future? If both co-habitators(i dont call such a couple, coz they are not) have a kid/kids, such children are bastards since both of you are not married. Even if both of you get married later on, it doesnt erase the fact that your firstborn was born a bastard, tell me that this is what we want for our nation in this generation.

@flower put it right, its a slippery slope, and i wonder why shes still living in there ,

Cohabitation is not just wrong,it does more harm than good.Based on an article i read sometime,a lot of researches have been done which shows the negative effects of cohabiting outweighs the positive.It poses harmful social,psychological,moral,health effects.Also in most cases d union leads more to separation before or after marriage.Because its not legitimate,commitment may be reduced.So i think it should be discouraged.

Do you know that even OND 1 students in some Polytechnics in Nigeria practised the nonsens. I just can't fathom the fact that one will lose his privacy and ability to meditate and utilise precious time so early in life when you have many years of married life to look forward to. Its not even about religion alone, but won't it be cool to look 4ward to having your wife with u after marriage? And not just waiting for her to permanently move in.

Living with someone before marriage does not give u the all-in-all view to their life. Co-habitation before marriage is bad and without mincing words, I don't see any benefit in it.

kimba:

yeah right, the major problem of Nigeria is too much of this Western influence. Africans want to be like the west. It is pervading, no the truth is it has pervaded and eaten deep into everything about us, culturally, religiously and morally. How many of our grand-fathers/grand mothers, and great-grandfathers/great-grandmothers cohabitated before our parents and grand-parents were born. If your aged ones are still around, ask them if they knew what co-habitation means. Am I wrong to say that their marriages were more-successful than the marriages today? They didnt even think about all the wahala we have in marriages today. Today, we now have marriage counsellors. Was this a profession in their days,

When a boy/girl, unmarried man and woman cohabitate, what prevents either of them from having a once-in-a-month cohabitation with another unmarried person somewhere else, Cohabitation is a modern way of allowing fornication and adultery, and what do we have as a result today? STDs and HIV.

Ofcourse, please, marriage on itself doesnt put a stop to extramarital affairs, but with it comes a "sense of responsibility" which many couples in our day don't have. And see, this idea is a ploy by satan to destroy human kind. Once he can succeed in destroying the family, whose bedrock is marriage and commitment to one-another, the battle is over.

Now tell me, if you and your boyfriend/girlfriend are co-habitating, and you have been co-habitating for the past 1-year, are you both always using a condom? why are you suffering yourself, rather than having the real pleasure that is meant to be, if not, so the ladies are on pills, right?(put abortion out of the picture for the moment), doing more harm to yourself and your future? If both co-habitators(i don't call such a couple, coz they are not) have a kid/kids, such children are bastards since both of you are not married. Even if both of you get married later on, it doesnt erase the fact that your firstborn was born a bastard, tell me that this is what we want for our nation in this generation.

@flower put it right, its a slippery slope, and i wonder why shes still living in there ,

- Of course, in their days, and still now, a woman would be in a terrible position if her marriage fell apart and her husband decides he's done with her. It's kinda hard to make a comparison to those times now that women have more power in society.
- What stops married people from going out and having sex with other people? If you think that there is some magical protection marriage imparts upon a couple, you are fooling yourself. Someone who would go out and cheat on his gf or on her bf is just as likely to do so on their husband or wife.
- Married people use condoms too. If you don't plan on having children, but still plan on having sex, other than the pill, there are few other alternatives.

CalabarMan:

There is a term in English law called Common law Marriage, it gives legal status to couples that have stayed together for a given minimum length of time. So for those practicing co-habitation without the intention of marrying watch-out, you may wake up one morning and find yourself married against your wish, and for those not willing or capable of footing a normal wedding bill this might be a cheap way out.

Lawyers in da house is this law applicable in Nigeria in view of the fact that most of our laws were dubbed from the English.

Personally I don't have anything against co-habitation since it allows couples simulate marriage conditions, however I don't think it is right or fair to produce kids from this kind of union. I know there is nothing like illegitimate child in Nigeria once the father accepts the kid as his, but why allow kids to go through this trauma of being the product of a non formalized union?

I doubt common law marriage exists in Nigerian Law. Also, you don't just wake up one day and and WHAM you're married. You have to purposefully take advantage of the law - ie filing the necessary paperwork in order to take advantage of the "advantages" under most western law of being married.

chinani:

1) I personally would never cohabitate w/ any boyfriend. but if a lady or man want to do so then it's their decision and I wouldn't look down on them.
2) I don't think the pracitice is good. It's referred to as "playing house" b/c that's just what it is child's play w/ adult consequences.
3) The society should accept it b/c the society should accept free will.
4) I don't think that it helps the couples b/c American studies show that couples who co-hab before marriage divorce just as frequently as those who don't. Also, some social scientists think that people who co-hab are those who are afraid of committment. people who are like "I won't marry you, but you can move in" and so in America around 50% of people who cohabitate NEVER GET MARRIED!
5) Nope. It wouldn't reduce divorce. It hasn't in the WEST.
6) I haven't done it and I never will.
7) Why? I think a man needs to know that I can take care of myself and that he can take care of himself and that he can't backdoor or squirm in or out of a relationship w/ me. If he wants to live w/ me it's going to have to be for real as in MARRIAGE.

- And less than 50% of people who date get married, so cohabitating couples would have a better chance than other people.
- There is always a way to end a relationship, unless you are dead. While cohabitation may seem to be a lower level of commitment relationship. . .exactly what do the people in it expect? Why expect someone who is in a low commitment relationship to exhibit high levels?

flower:

I personally do not see the value in co-habitation. However, I do see other's points of view when it comes to understanding ones habits before marriage. My stance is this: If you would be unwilling to marry a person because of where they squeeze the tube of toothpaste, then maybe you really shouldn't be with this person. That's and extremely petty reason to not marry someone. If you say, "Well, that wouldn't stop me from marrying this person" then why live together if you're going to accept and deal with the way this person is with or without living together?

I also say this from a stance of experience. I've lived with my boyfriend for 2 years and it in no way pushed me to marry him. Main reason why:

Why do I have to get married to him if we're already playing house?

Co-habitation can quickly become so convenient that you may not move toward marriage and you very well may end up breaking it off with this person when you find someone else because you're not really obligated to stay with this person. It's a slippery slope.

- This doesn't quite make sense. You don't want to marry your boyfriend because you must not care as much about spending the rest of your life with him. You are not ready to move on to a higher level of commitment. I doubt if you two were living separately, you would feel that different about him. In your case, cohabitation is your excuse, not a reason.

- And less than 50% of people who date get married, so cohabitating couples would have a better chance than other people.
- There is always a way to end a relationship, unless you are dead. While cohabitation may seem to be a lower level of commitment relationship. . .exactly what do the people in it expect? Why expect someone who is in a low commitment relationship to exhibit high levels?

@ allonym

I agree w/ you. But, I answered the questions that were asked; I didn't compare co-habitation to other relationships.

Do you know what I find most inetersting in all the responses except one , everyone is busy condeming this practice. But if you look closely at what is happening in our campuses you would notice that lots of off campus accommodation are shared by couples. In Ekpoma (Ambrose Ali University) for instance it is a common practice for babes to share accommodation with their boyfriends for a whole session. How come I ain't seeing such feed back here or are we just playing to the gallery. Lets be real and lay down the gist the way it is and not the way we think people want to hear.

I think it's an interesting practice. I think it's our young people's way of reacting to the problem of late marriage. Your blood is hot, and you have all what it takes to be married, but you are afraid of commitment so you give it a trial. Doesn't sound bad to me. It's a nice way I can eat my cake and have it!

@calabarman.
I can see your problem.U already have your preconceived conclusion of the subject matter and then u go to town,looking for other people to help u substantiate your stance.That's pitiable.
The fact that many people take on the new practice on campuses doesnt make it right,u've heard from someone that has been into it even having the courage to condemn it.Fews weeks ago,a lady confess the peoblem her friend was having to me,after the lady in question stayed for a boy for almost 2 years dreaming marriage,he kicked her out into the cold,now she's heartbroken seeking counselling.
Another boy I know cohabited in service year,messed up girls and went for a new girl to get married to.Later he confessed to somebody he wouldnt want his own sister to indulge in a such a practice.I think it satisfies the burning lust of the boys, without the option of commitment.I don't know if u have a sister,would u be happy if someone treat your sister like that? The practice demeans the dignity of the womenfolk.
I for one would not want  my own sister to be so treated.
So no matter how common the practice is, it's still morally wrong.Most of the girls from respectable homes,brought up decently will not do it.Some do it without the knowledge of their parents of course.
I hope this is 'real' enough for you.

@ calabarman

I for one am not playing to the gallery. I have no quarrel w/ couples that live together. To the contrary, I'm known to buy house/apt warming gifts. However, if a friend were to ask my advice I would say exactly what I previously wrote. I don't think it's a good idea & I don't think it would benefit you or the relationship in the long run. I think some ppl may do it b/c it eases some money worries and if you're going to spend 5 nights a week there anyway, why not? If that's your reasoning okay. But, I'm giving it to you straight. Perhaps you should ask the supporters of this practice to be more vocal rather than assuming that the detractors are hypocrites.

pearl2:

@calabarman.
I can see your problem.U already have your preconceived conclusion of the subject matter and then u go to town,looking for other people to help u substantiate your stance.That's pitiable.
The fact that many people take on the new practice on campuses doesnt make it right,u've heard from someone that has been into it even having the courage to condemn it.Fews weeks ago,a lady confess the peoblem her friend was having to me,after the lady in question stayed for a boy for almost 2 years dreaming marriage,he kicked her out into the cold,now she's heartbroken seeking counselling.
Another boy I know cohabited in service year,messed up girls and went for a new girl to get married to.Later he confessed to somebody he wouldnt want his own sister to indulge in a such a practice.I think it satisfies the burning lust of the boys, without the option of commitment.I don't know if u have a sister,would u be happy if someone treat your sister like that? The practice demeans the dignity of the womenfolk.
I for one would not want my own sister to be so treated.
So no matter how common the practice is, it's still morally wrong.Most of the girls from respectable homes,brought up decently will not do it.Some do it without the knowledge of their parents of course.
I hope this is 'real' enough for you.

Just because someone says something is bad, doesn't mean it is. What about all the people who would "confess" that it worked out for them. Should we discount what they say as well?

allonym:

Just because someone says something is bad, doesn't mean it is. What about all the people who would "confess" that it worked out for them. Should we discount what they say as well?

Of course not.Even in other things in life,not everybody follows the general pattern.Some people,cheated in school instead of working hard and it worked for them.Some people got their wealth through shady deals,it worked for them.Others still, take to crime and it worked for them.So u will always have people that will live their lives on the margin whatever anybody may say.But simply because it appears to work for those doesnt mean we should recommend it for everybody;else, there would be chaos and anarchy in the society.
You have to look at the statistics.Why is there so much failure of the marriage institution in the western world?
I remember the response of one of those European coaches years ago,when he was asked why he chose to marry in Africa.He said he preferred the marriage institution as it still operates in Africa,because he sees in it most of the values that have disappeared in Europe.

Very intelligent response there pearl2. Lots of insights in your post there.

allonym: - This doesn't quite make sense. You don't want to marry your boyfriend because you must not care as much about spending the rest of your life with him. You are not ready to move on to a higher level of commitment. I doubt if you two were living separately, you would feel that different about him. In your case, cohabitation is your excuse, not a reason.

My point is this: The practice is so well received and not nearly as frowned upon as it once was that it makes it more convenient to just live with someone as opposed to marrying them. The parties involved may very well not be ready to go to the next level, and why should they even have to think about doing it if they're able to just play house?

alheri:

Very intelligent response there pearl2. Lots of insights in your post there.

Thanks

Thanks now i am getting the balanced view I expected. There are advantages and disadvantages in co-habitation, some do it out of convenience, others because they are scared of signing the dotted lines yet and lots of other reasons. I wouldn't practice it because I love my breathing space, weekend sleep overs are fine but nothing on a long term basis.

Marriage is going out the door these days.  So, living together is what we see more and more of.  It strikes me what stark difference exists between Nigeria and the western world.  In the west, it's not an issue, except for the few religious folks perhaps.

I certainly think living together unmarried is not too far from living together married.  So, it does give both parties an opportunity to savor what married life is like without actually saying I do.

Lets call a spade a spade instead of calling it a garden spoon, what is not good is not good,there is no other name for bad!!!many people are trying to cover up the evils of co-habitation under the guise of one reason or the other!!!