Maid: What do you want, sir?
Visitor: I want to see your master.
Maid: What’s your business, please?
Visitor: There is a bill,
Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village,
Visitor: Which I have to pay him,
Maid: And he returned this morning

When an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he turned her down, saying: Your salary is already higher than that of the secretary at the next desk. And she has five children.

Excuse me, the efficient woman replied, I thought we got paid for what we produce here not for what we produce at home in our own time

Asmall farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly
continued his milking.

To everyone.s astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away .

Weren.t you afraid?. one of the workers asked the boy.

Not at all,. the boy replied , .I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.

Apatient complains to a famous psychologist: .Professor, I.ve been having terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me,
.
Who.s been treating you until now?.
.
Dr Success
.
I see. He.s an idiot. I.m curious to know what he advised you to do,


To come and see you.

Two terrorists were driving to the location where they intended to plant a
bomb, which one of them had in his lap.

Drive a little faster, the bomb may go off any minute, said the man carrying
the explosive.

Don't worry, the driver assured him, we have got a spare one in the boot.

Boy to mother: I've decided to stop studying.

How come? asked the mother.

I heard that that someone was shot dead, because he knew too much.

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a
well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

Give me your money, he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, You can't do this I'm a politician!

In that case, replied the robber, give me my money!

I'm very sorry to learn that your wife ran away with your driver, said the
friend to the old man.


Oh, don't worry, I can drive replied the old man

Ajudge looked severely at the defendant and asked, ‘How many times
have you been imprisoned?

‘Nine, you Honour.’

‘Nine? In this case, I will give you the maximum sentence.’

‘Maximum sentence?’ said the defendant. ‘Don’t you give your regular clients
a discount’

Little Ernie was having a problem with his homework.

Dad, he asked, What is the difference between anger and exasperation?

Well, son, said his father, I'll give you a practical demonstration.

His father picked up the phone and dialled a number.

Hello, said a voice at the other end.

Hello, said Ernie's father. Is Melvin there?

There is no one called Melvin here! the voice replied. Why don't you lookup numbers before you dial them?

You see? said Ernie's father. That man was not at all happy with our call.


But watch this!


He then dialled the number again, and says, Hello, is Melvin there?

Now look here! the voice said angrily. I told you there is no Melvin here!

You have got a lot of nerve calling again!

Did you hear that? Ernie's father asked. That was anger. Now, I will show you what exasperation is!

He dialled once again. And on hearing the voice at the other end, Ernie's father said: Hello! This is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?

The sign on the door of a lawyer's chamber reads:

Where there is a will, there is a way;
where there is a way, there is law;
where there is law, there is a rule;
where there is a rule, there is a loophole;
where there is a loophole; there is a lawyer;

and so here I am.

Little Johnny was practising the violin in the living room, while his father
was trying to read. The family dog was at there too, and, on hearing the
screeching sounds, began to howl.

Johnny’s father listened to the dog and the violin for as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his newspaper on the floor and yelled, ‘For God’s sake, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?’

An eager young man entered his prospective boss’s cabin for an interview,

Said the boss ‘One thing our company is very particular about is cleanliness.
I hope you wiped your shoes on the doormat while coming in?’

Yes, sir,’ the young man replied promptly.

Back came the rejoinder, ‘One more thing we’re very particular about is honesty. There is no doormat outside!

nice jokes dawg!

tnks brova

Ituen was saying his bedtime prayers: Please God, make lagos the capital
of nigeria .
Make lagos the capital of nigeria,,

Why do you want God to make lagos the capital of nigeria? Ituen's mother asked.

And Ituen replied: Because, that is what I put in my Geography exam!

A traveller walking along a road asked an old man working in a field to how long it would take to get to the next village.

But the old man didn't answer, so the traveller kept walking.

He hadn't gone far when he heard a call: Hi, mister, it'll take you about 20 minutes

Why didn't you tell me that when I asked you? asked the traveller.

How did I know how fast you were going to walk? replied the old man.

Doctor: Shall I gave your wife a local anaesthetic?


Businessman: Certainly not. I can afford something imported,

Adoctor was called in to see a rather testy aristocrat.

Well, sir, whats the matter? he asked cheerily.

That, sir, growled the patient, is for you to find out.

I see, said the doctor thought-fully. Well, if you'll excuse me for an hour or so I'll go along and fetch a friend of mine - a veterinarian. He is the only chap I know who can make a diagnosis without asking questions.

Hey, the tourist said to the mountaineer, Your son just threw a rock at me as I passed by.

Did it hit you?

No.

Then it wasn't my son.

The employee stormed angrily into the cashier's office. What's the meaning of this? I just counted my pay and it's a dollar short!

The cashier examined the envelope, then checked his records. Last week we paid you a dollar more. You didn't complain then, did you?

Look said the employee. An occasional mistake I can overlook - but two in a row is too much!

A large notice in a shop window announced a big sale, with sweeping reductions, starting at 9 a.m. An enormous queue had started to form by 7.30am

Just before the shop was due to open, an inconspicuous little man walked to the head of the queue. Angry women elbowed and pushed him until he was right at the back of the line. Undaunted, the little man went to the head of the queue again.

Once more, he was shoved unceremoniously to the back, this time with a few smacks on the face and a couple of thumps from umbrellas wielded by angry women.

The little man walked to one side of the queue and said: If that's your attitude, I wont open the shop at all today!

i see i'm d only odd vote there , meanwhile ituen get bizzy work up ur jokes , i mite just change my mind

Henry,

STart reading from page 1 and u will change ur mind

I don forget wetin to type. Make una no vex

dos are gud jokes. u 2 much.

Aaron,

Thanks very much man

Office worker: Sir?.

Boss: .Yes? What is it now?.

Office worker: .Please can I have a day off next week to do some late Christmas shopping with my wife and our six kids?.

Boss: .Certainly not!.

Office worker: .I knew you.d be understanding, sir. Thanks for getting me out of that terrible chore.

Mother: Why are you crying?

Sally: Because I fell and hurt myself.

Mother: When did that happen?

Sally: About twenty minutes ago.

Mother: But you've only just started crying.

Sally: I know. Earlier, I thought you'd gone out.

The elderly aunt bent down and asked her three-year-old nephew: Can you tell me the name of your new baby sister?

The little boy shook his head sadly and replied: I don't know what it is. I keep asking her but I can't understand a word she says.

J udge: How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?
Prisoner: How do I know, your honour? I haven't heard the evidence yet.


Bacteria: the back entrance to a cafeteria.



Buoyant: male equivalent of gallant.



Dogma: the mother of puppies.



Ultimate: the last person to marry.



Vice versa: dirty poems.



Doctor: Nurse! Did you take this patient's temperature?
Nurse: Why, doctor? Is it missing?

Pretty young nurse: Doctor, every time I take this young man's pulse it gets faster.

Should I give him a sedative?

Doctor: No. Just give him a blindfold.