₦airaland Forum

MajorJeffery:
At least he has shown to be genuine with this so I suggest you give him a full disclosure about your health status before your wedding becomes another Vegas wedding.
It's true, we Nigerians love to have kids no matter the kind of love invloved. Even Saint Valentine himself can't change that so I suggest you guys need to come to a compromise.

I think even in Vegas the say “for better or worse in sickness and in health....till death do us part”

amaniro:
All of you claiming culture up there may thunder not strike your mouth. Odabo123 it is not our culture to be myopic in thinking. If he truly loves you, he'll do anything extra mile to not let you go. Lastly, tradition is man made so fuckkk Tradition

Thank you

wetdick:
even though he was honest, he made it sound like a business transaction, something like "if you cant give me kids i will divorce you" what of if he was also a problem maybe like having sperm issues, what would he have done.

so if they were married he wouldnt go length for his family maybe like when severe health issues arise, he will just abandon the ship

I could not have said it better myself! :-)

victorian:
God has already created a woman to give birth to children, it's your civic responsibility as a woman in a marriage. Love is not the only thing that holds a marriage together. All those talks about love is all that matters is all fairy tales. In the real world Where we are, it's not just about love only.
Family, children, compatibility, team work, loyalty, passion, care, etc are certain ingredients that keeps the home warm and eager to rush to after a hard days work.

Your man is an African man and he's been sincere to you. You are a woman for crying out loud. What's the use been married without the tiny innocent voices and screams of those lovely brats, we call kids

Abeg move on from that discussion ,you both had and look at the brighter side of Spending your lives together and enlarging it.
For me it's a MUST!

I no wan hear excuses. Love alone cannot do it for me

Lol I don’t agree with the civic duty but I appreciate the honesty

MissRaine69:
Marriages break in the west because of the issue of children. I am very famialir with fertility issues when it comes to women as that’s one of my jobs. The strain takes its toll on a relationship when trying for a child regardless of background.

I have seen it happen often enough, a couple tries for years the husband leaves meets someone and within a year that other woman is expecting. Fertility affects both by the way so he cannot assume he will be able to father children. But fertility treatment is brutal on a woman’s body.

You are right. Especially since it’s clearly already taking a toll.

wetdick:
yes, but many comments here made it seems like every Nigerian man must have kids to be complete,what of those men with weak sperm making it seems it is the woman fault. people here are generalising, so i think i need to write down the truth and reality

she is a foreigner and wants to understand the nigerian mind in order to solve her problem, at the end of the day, she will have to go with the decision and advice that she thinks can solve her problem.

Exactly I thought it was a cultural misunderstanding at first but I know Nigeria is a modern and forward thing place. I don’t believe that people would think I should agree to outside children to keep my husband happy. Or that he is entitled to something I have no control over.

MissRaine69:
It matters that much to him he views it as a deal breaker. Is that not a matter of choice as well? Removing emotional thinking out of the frame.

I agree I am close to the situation and emotionally involved. However, is it just a fantasy western way of thinking? Am I missing something? If two people love each other should fear be the motivation behind quitting. Prior to this I was Ifemi. How could a 50/50 possibility change this. It seems backward to me.

MissRaine69:
It’s not enough for some people it’s important but it cannot be the only thing binding two people. Would you have preferred he lied? I don’t understand how some some think. He told you what his deal breaker was, we have explored the rationale behind that deal breaker. Advice has been given, some of it very good, some of it questionable. The matter rests with you ultimately.
What do you want to do?
Girl love is important but you need more than just love especially where this person is concerned.
Not sure what else to tell you .

Thank you for your insightful response

MissRaine69:
She mentioned the issue she was having with that man she is with now. Not how how other Nigerians live their lives. That’s the difference . This man has told HER where he stands on the matter of children.
We can’t speak on behalf of a whole country so the ultimate decision rests with her .
She is informed as a manner of speaking.

In fairness my question was a generalization of the culture I am unfamiliar with. Is this a commonality that males will throw away a great relationship or Is this particular male likely looking for an excuse to leave.

wetdick:
pl stop believing all these nonsense some people write here about a baby is a must

there are thousands or even millions of couples here married with no child for more than 4-5 years and nobody is complaining except society, they live their lives like any other.

I agree. I’m thankful not everyone shared the opinions of some others on this thread.

victorian:
You are sure u can children. Then relax and ask him when are u guys entering the next level. And plan ahead. Kids will come, as long as both of you are certified OK, in the fertility department.

No need opening this thread sef.

Madam U no get problem .

But no one is 100% and I don’t want divorce outside children that’s why I asked. Because I grew up knowing love matters But it seems to a Nigerian man children matter more. Am I just a baby maker?

seniorgozman:
Actually he is right. It is in our culture to have kids of our own

Are Nigerian men just looking for baby makers?

Osuman:
YES, LOVE COULD COVER IT, BUT ALLOW ME TO HIT THE NAIL ON IT HEAD, NOW YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE HOLD FOR YOU, IN TERMS OF FERTILITY? THE CHANCES YOU ARE HAVING NOW ARE MUCH BRIGHTER THAN LATER, WELL, I DON'T WANT TO GO MUCH INTO THAT, IT IS YOUR PRIVACY.

I guess my point is I feel like it’s just an excuse because chances are I CAN have children

[quote author=Osuman post=76924588]YES, LOVE COULD COVER IT, BUT ALLOW ME TO HIT THE NAIL ON IT HEAD, NOW YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE HOLD FOR YOU, IN TERMS OF FERTILITY? THE CHANCES YOU ARE HAVING NOW ARE MUCH BRIGHTER THAN LATER, WELL, I DON'T WANT TO GO MUCH INTO THAT, IT IS

Thank you

MissRaine69:
Nigeria is a country of many people, the attitude and behaviour of one cannot be linked, explained or attributed to whole country.

He has told you HIS point of view because you asked right?
Having children is a big deal in almost all African socitiee not Nigeria only, it’s not that different in Asia.

You asked he responded honestly you can’t hold him ransom for saying the truth. It’s up to you actually he told you where he stands. It’s up to you to accept those terms or leave before it’s gets complex I am sure you know your gynaecologist history why don’t you take him with you so that he understands things fully. If he still feels the way he does then you make a choice based on being fully informed.
If he says no accept the painful and move on with your life.

So love does not matter...?

loricara:
you are pushing h too far but you are not getting young know his plans or supposedly you can not get pregnant let him know first. he should marry you for love , bear in mind we Africans love children. instead of wasting your time let him go.

Love children more than your significant other?

Saffi:
What’s kind of man will get divorced with someone he supposedly loves just because of something she can’t control? People don’t know the true meaning of marriage these days, baby girl please run. This man is showing you that he is incapable of handling mature situations that occur during marriage

Thank you for the advice.

Osuman:
MEANING YOU ALREADY KNOW THE PROBLEM?

Shouldn’t love be enough to take the risk

Osuman:
I THINK THE PROBLEM IS CLEAR, YOU ARE PUSHING HIM TOO FAST WITH YOUR DECISIONS,
FIRST HE IS A MAN ALLOW HE TO MAKE THE CHOICE, THEN YOU CHOSE FROM IT.

He made the decision. I just don’t agree

victorian:
You are welcome.

Please meet with a gynaecologist and check your chances of having kids.. It's very very important. My dear this one is not church or pastor matter.
No Nigerian man will accept to marry his gf who says she may not have kids for him, no matter how much he loves her, except she accepts he marries another lady outside the marriage to bear him kids. That's if he loves her so much and still don't want to loose her.
Most will be thinking of walking away. Unless the man is an eunuch , then he can let it slide. Be very sure before u close up the affection between u too. Biko.

May God see both of u through amen.

Thank you again

seniorgozman:
Actually he is right. It is in our culture to have kids of our own

Wow

Xaos:
This is a man telling you that he'll have an affair if things don't work out between you the way it is in his head.

If this isn't your cue to leave — I don't know what to say.

Thank you

victorian:
Op, can u try and check your fertility status with your doctor, so u can be very sure u will get pregnant after walking down the isle. Don't abandon ship yet until u are sure, u are fertile.

We Africans love to have our own children. For me, I can't trade not having kids with an eunuch for anything in this world. No matter how much in love I feel with my man . We must have
So check your status and know what u are about to face now or in the future.

Thank you for your response

wetdick:
i am guessing he must be yoruba, anyway just using your username to guess but anyway, you can talk things with him, if he truely loves you, he will go miles for you.

Thank you

marvin906:
abandon ship

Thank you for your advice

sherylbakky:
You have to understand that we value children so much in African marriage ma'am.

To answer your question ; Not all Nigerian men will act that way but the truth is, majority will act like that.

My opinion ; Dont try getting married to him since you have issue. Look for a man that would understand your situation and who will love you for who you are.

Stay cool.

Thank you for your response.

I am posting this for advice. I met the man of my dreams in Aug 2018. He is from Nigeria, he had only lived in America for 5 months when I met him. I am an American citizen but not by birth I am originally from the Caribbean. I don’t know Nigerian customs other than what he has taught me. We are both currently enrolled in university obtaining our professional degrees he is in finance sector I am in medical field. He is 34 and I am 32 neither of us are previously married or have children. It has been a wonderful romance but we have had our hiccups along the way as most couples do. My family fear he is not genuine but I do not feel this way. He has had some women as friends that I did not approve of. Nonetheless we are working through that. I have met his brother and spoken to his sisters and nieces. I love his family. They remind me of my own very solid and loving. He has only met my sister but agrees that my family seems like his. Both of our parents have been married over 50 years. The have no outside children neither of us were raised that way. We both come from Christian households and attend church together when we are not working. A month ago after we had been dating 7 months I asked him a hypothetical question. “if I could not get pregnant would this be a deal breaker?” His answer was yes it would be and further to this he informed that he would either file for divorce or get a woman outside of our marriage pregnant because kids are mandatory for him. This surprised me, I am high risk for pregnancy (he was told from the start) the plan was I would plan with my doctor and get off any medications that might hurt the baby, this did not mean I cannot get pregnant we may just need to try longer, or it might be complicated, but as with all women there is never a guarantee. I asked him for assurance that he would not step outside our relationship, if we had this issue and I would in return assure him that we would try to have as many children as he wanted. He could not give me this assurance . I asked him to let us try to get pregnant now so we could know and If I got pregnant we could get married he says he cannot get me pregnant outside of marriage.
Now he wants to end the relationship.
Is this how any Nigerian man would react or is it more likely that he is looking for an excuse to move on?