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My head was throbbing profusely with pains. It was as if the weight of the sinful world was placed on my head. I felt a heavy hand wrapped around my weak body as I struggled to get up from the bed. I still could make out where I was or how I got there as the pains in my head made it difficult for my brain to recollect the event of the previous night. I carried myself up sluggishly and snuggled my naked body away from the grip of whomever it was that was lying beside me. The dark room offered no solace to my throbbing head as each second in the strange room without inkling as to how I got there, made me increasingly impatient and worried.

As I switched on the light, the sudden bright illumination and the fat lady splattered on the bed with her sagging flesh sent me into a confused reverie. Oh my God, I exclaimed helplessly, as I gradually began to recall the events of the previous night. We went out to celebrate Chike’s birthday in a bar downtown and later agreed to take the party to a club on the suggestion of Chike’s girlfriend. But that was all I can remember! What must have transpired in the club and how I ended up in a hotel room with a beer-bellied fat lady were questions my hazy mind could not find answers to. One thing was sure though, I must have consumed too much alcohol. I’ve always had a terrible experience with drinking ‘spirit’ and that night, the taste of Hennessey mixed with fayrouz made me drink more than my weak head could carry. I hated myself for yet again getting drunk and engaging in something my pious mind had always abhorred. I could only imagine what worse things I might have done and the mess I would have made of myself last night in the presence of my friends and strangers. I silently prayed that I won’t be confronted with shameful tales of my drunken theatrics by my friends as the pains in my head and the ugly bitch on the bed were enough punishments for my misdemeanor.

I looked around the disheveled room searching for my phone; I needed to hear from my friends what kind of movie I must have acted. I found the phone in the far side of the room beside the trash can under my boxers. As I bent over to pick it, I felt a sudden rush of sensation down my nose and a salty taste in my palates; I knew what will follow next so I rushed into the bathroom where the foul vomit of the previous night was still splattered on the floor. I opened my mouth and spewed out all that remained in my stomach until I was sure my intestines will burst out if I didn’t stop. Too tired to lift my body or to raise my head which was now aching me as if it has been possessed by seven demons, I lay on my vomit as my imagination conjured terrible images of things I might have done last night. Things I prayed never to be true. I was jerked back to reality by the angry ring tone of my mobile phone which seemed to taunt me for my stupidity. I picked up the phone and answered the call. Where you dey? The person on the other line barked into my ears, GLY 201 exam is about to start. Don’t tell me you are still reading somewhere by this time. I sprung up to my feet in panic, the terrible pain in my head made my head swoon; it was as if the whole world was doing a 360 degrees marathon.

I hurriedly washed my face and dashed out to get my cloths. As I was struggling to put on my cloths reeking with alcohol smell, the lady on the bed woke up. You be lion oh! She crooned with a shy smile on her face, her smile made me nearly throw up again. You go pay me double oh, she said as she stood up from the bed and wrapped her hands around my waist. I reached for my pocket to see if I could find any money, only to find wraps of gold circle condom. Asa’s song, ‘there is fire on the mountain’ started playing in my aching head. She removed her hands from my waist and reached for my neck in readiness for a combat.

As I was about throwing up on her body, I felt some some saliva on my on my beards. Offor why are you sleeping on a Monday afternoon, my Madam queried as I gave her a confused look now fully awake and aware that I've been dreaming all along. Thank God was all I could mutter as my Madam said something about query on her way out.

Written by Honest Offor. Follow me on twitter @honest4change

This article was written this morning in reply to the question my boss asked me. I almost forgot that today is val's day (don't mind me, work has a way of making you forget a lot of things), so when I saw my boss stroll in casually and in no mood for work, I was wondering what he was up to. With a boyish grin he informed me that he's going on a special date with the wife. I tried to bury my anger with a half hearted smile knowing that his absence meant I'll have to work extra. As he was leaving, he asked me; Offor what do you want for val? Without thinking, I replied; I want love! He laughed and told me that what I want as a present cannot be bought off the counter. As he drove off, my answer got me thinking. I could have asked for something else; a phone, a wrist watch, an expensive perfume or a gadget. But I didn't want any of it, all I wanted was love. Not just the love that comes once in a year, but the love that stays each day all year round. Not the kind of love that vanishes after a night of passion on vals day but the type that burns with the flame of renewed affection with each waking day.
I want someone who my heart will beat for with a happy rhyme, someone who will bring smile on my sad face with the sound of her voice.
I want a love that is honest and true. A love that is loyal and pure (bearing no grudges and harboring no malice).
I don't want a perfect soul because that is an illusion. I want a love that is humble enough to admit mistakes and courageous enough to make amends.
I want a love that believes in my lofty dreams, one that won't be intimidated by my ambitions nor discourage my resolve to reach my goals.
I want a love that has ears to listen to my worries, shoulders on which I can find solace in moments of grief and a love that feels the silent fears of my heart.
I want a love with seductive beauty that will arouse my manly desires and sooth my cravings with the softness of her lips.
I want a love that makes me cry not with tears of hurt but of gratitude to God for giving me a precious treasure in the gift of a woman.
I want a love that will bring out the beauty in me while slaying the beast in my character.
I hope I am not asking for much. I am only asking for love. The four letter word that makes each waking day a blissful adventure. Happy valentine's day!

The importance of a second is lost on us. We barely take notice as the long hand of the clock ticks away fleetingly into irretrievable oblivion. Who among us while checking the time ever notices the second in a minute? Even if we all ignore it, there will be no minutes or hours without seconds just as there can be no rain without shine.
We can take seconds for granted but not for those in sports. The importance of time and the difference which a single second can make was reinforced on Tuesday in the match between the Super Eagles and their Burkina Faso opponents in the ongoing AFCON. The memory of the match will remain etched in my mind for a while longer not really because of the pain of throwing away a precious win that could cost us the group qualifications but for the role time plays in determining the affairs of men. The only distance between the future and the present is time and the quality of the future is a function of what you do with your present time. Each tick of the clock brings us closer to the future. Back to the Eagles game. The game was as good as won and at 94 minutes the referee had positioned his whistle waiting for the last kick to end the game. In a golden second opportunity, Alan Traore scored a goal that teaches us that in life; every second counts.
Cast your mind back to the last game of the English Premier league (sorry if you are not a football enthusiast). The goal that ended Man City's 44 years wait to lift the title came few seconds to the end of the match. It shows that you can't give up if it not time up. One second can make the difference. Don't waste the seconds, make it count. Still talking about the importance of one second, the world's fastest man shattered history books by achieving a rare feat just seconds 'earlier'. Usian Bolt, the man we now know as the fastest man alive knows more than anyone else that every second counts.
We may not all be sports men and women but we are all guided by time. We can't control it but we can manage it. The richest among us can't buy time, the brightest among us can't manufacture it neither can the wisest among us save up time for future use. Why then do some people prosper more than others despite having equal time? It is simple; God has given us 24 hours to trade with, what we become in life is a profit of what we made trading with time. While some trade their time for productive gains, others simply squander theirs. Time is an honest employer; it rewards accordingly not necessarily for how long you work but for the value you create will doing the work.
Whatever anyone owns is a return on time invested (ROTI). The worlds best player (Messi) rakes in millions of pounds for his mesmerizing display during 90 minutes of play. Oprah is celebrated for what she does with her time (talk). Apple products are products of long hours of research and the billions Bill Gates control is a reward for the time he invested innovating microsoft.
2013 is already counting, the future is here seize it. You can never change your life until you change what you do with time. So the time to start is now. Don't postpone till tomorrow, what you can do today. There is no time like 'a good time', make every time good. Remember, you can't escape tomorrows challenges by evading today's responsibilities. The Chinese has a saying 'the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago and the next best time is now'.
I urge you to make every second in 2013 count. Quit wasting precious time on things that won't yield positive gains. Ping less, spend fewer time on movies, cut down on frequent visits that take all your time. Treasure time, Invest time, Manage time and Enjoy time.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I tried unsuccessfully to suppress my emotions. It was a normal sunday service and I had expected the usual excitement and occasional shouts from worshipers during sermon. But on this day, silence enveloped the long pews; the kind of silence that compels deep reflection. I had become increasingly dissatisfied with my new job barely one month after I was employed. Initially I complained about idling about at the office without doing much work, now I whined over heavy work load and overtime. My friends noticed that I had changed; I was no longer the happy, jolly good fellow they knew. In fact one of them told me that 'I look harassed'; Offor what is wrong with you, she quizzed, I don't like how you look, she added. So I came to church to pour out my mind to God, to ask him why he would give me a job that saps my energy to the point of looking harassed. Instead of getting succor from the pulpit, I received a damning rebuke; YOU ARE AN INGRATE. In a country where tens of millions of youths are unemployed, I was lucky not to be a part of that statistics. Hundreds of thousand of graduates finish school and roam the streets with files in search of jobs, two days to the end of my NYSC program I got a job as a Manager in a blue collar firm. Many of my mates were yet to graduate, most of my friends would love to trade places with me, some are even dead. As these thoughts and many more bombarded my mind, I realized how ungrateful I was for the blessings God had given me freely. I heard a story that aptly describes our attitude to God and to people around us. A young boy was visited by his Uncle; Uncle Uncle... bellowed the small boy, what did you bring for us? The Uncle handed him a bag of fruits and some chocolates, the boy's mother asked him; what will you say to uncle? The boy dipped his hand into the bag and stretched out an orange to his uncle and said "peel it for me". The Uncle and the mother burst into fits of laughter. God gives a husband, we complain he's poor. He gives us a child, we say he is stubborn. We pray to get married, then we turn around to say he's left us without kids. We have a roof over our heads but we complain it is small.
Let's get serious. We don't queue up in filling stations to refill our veins with blood neither do we pay for the air in our nostrils. We don't get charged for the sun that brightens our day or the moon that lightens our night. We are so carried away by the cares of life that we spare little thanks to the one who sustains us. It is only the living that can have challenges; if you want a life without problems then be prepared to die because as long as you are alive, challenges must come. Most times we don't receive from God because we haven't thanked him for the one he has given us. If the man with leprosy hadn't returned to Jesus with thanks, he wouldn't have received 'wholeness'. The other 9 lepers went their way thinking they had gotten it all. Appreciation is the key to multiplication! Jesus fed the five thousand after giving thanks. Develop an attitude of gratitude. You can't enjoy what you don't appreciate. To be upset about what you don't have is to waste you do have. Even human beings love to be appreciated. We walk with swagger when someone appreciates our dressing, women beam with smiles when you compliment their cooking, footballers play better when you cheer their efforts. A little 'thank you' could work magic; a note of appreciation would encourage your former teacher to teach better. Thank your parents for being patient with you when you were small, praise your spouse for the delicious food she cooks, show your friends how grateful you are for their friendship. It is not gratitude until you express it so don't think they know that you are grateful. Show it with words and actions.
When we let go of what we don't have, we begin to enjoy what we have. I look forward each day to my job, I see the challenges as a training for the bigger job. I approach each day with an attitude of gratitude and guess what, I received a pay raise just by thanking God and appreciating my job. A friend saw me last night and said I was looking finer than ever. Gratitude is the key to lasting satisfaction. We are frustrated not by what we don't have but for lack of appreciation of what we do have.
Gratitude is the best attitude!

Pls drop your comments. I would really appreciate your response

I will never forget the day I got the chase of my life in the hands of a monstrous looking dog. I had gone to visit an old friend who had just returned from the states where he did his masters program. I was carried away by the stories he was telling me that I hardly noticed the large 3 feet tall pit bull in the compound. The angry barking of the dog jerked me back to reality and as I looked up, I saw the dog charging towards me ferociously. Trust my adrenaline - it shot up and fear overpowered my sense of reasoning. Before my friend could say Offor! I dashed off, my heels nearly touching the back of my head. I didn't even hear the voice of my friend yelling at me to stop running neither did I see their security man in front of me, until I crashed into him, both of us landing on the floor. You would be wondering what happened to me when the dog found me agonizing helplessly on the floor. Stay with me a little longer, I'll re-visit the story. Security is one of man's most cherished needs. Everybody wants security; physical, social and even emotional. We value physical security more than others because as our people say, "you don't need to tell a deaf man that war has started"; when your life is at risk, you rarely spare thought on things like love or social status. That is why many people keep dogs like my friend and install security gadgets to ward off intruders especially in this part of the world where insecurity is high. Our material possessions (cars, houses, money, property etc.) is not what is at greatest risk of being attacked. Our greatest asset in life receives little attention because most people do not even see it as an asset. Little wonder why so many people are in pains. Your mind is your greatest asset in life! The quality of your life is a reflection of your state of mind. No wonder the bible admonishes us to guide our hearts with "all diligence". Our minds are constantly under attack. From the vulgar songs that hits our ears to the obscene movies that feeds our eyes, from shameless girls that bare their unclothedness in the name of dressing to politicians that flaunt their ill gotten wealth, from news headlines that constantly reminds us of the worlds problems to incredulous stories that makes us question our faith; it takes a mind with maximum security to remain sane and untainted. There are three gateways to your mind: eye gate, mouth gate and ear gate. Stuff your ears from stories that could shake your beliefs and affect your dreams. Close your eyes to pictures that would feed your mind with thoughts that will cause you to lose focus. Refuse to utter words of doubts that will shake your courage in the face of opposition. Refrain from friends that carry the odor of foul negativity. Guard your mind and guide your future. Your mind is your gold mine, protect it. If you are interested in knowing how I survived the dog attack, read my next note: Every second counts.

The Igbos are famous for their hard work, resilience and enterprising spirit. Our creativity, dexterity and business acumen has never been in doubt. It is therefore a paradox to see the God's own state in its present deplorable state. One would have expected the present and past leaders of the state to unleash the same brilliance that has made many Igbos successful in their private businesses in tackling the business governance. Unfortunately, the present and past leaders of my dear state have failed woefully in this regard. The disgraceful state of infrastructure in the Enyimba city of Aba and other parts of the state is an indictment on the leadership of the state. There seems to be a lack of clear direction and how on how to exploit thae potentials of the state for the benefit of the masses.
The eight years administration of Orji Uzor Kalu which the present Governor was a part of was a tale of misgovernance and brigandage. The talkative youthful Governor did very little to transform the state and the few projects embarked upon by him are all in ruins as a result of poor construction and use of sub - standard material. For 8 years Kalu and his mother held the state by the jugular and stagnated the progress of the state. State resources were turned into a private business which they dished out to sycophants and cronies whose jobs were to sing the praises of the young Governor to high heavens while the masses wallowed in deserted agony. I am really not surprised that Kalu's administration achieved very little, besides what could be expected from a man bereft of ideas and sound education. It is a universally accepted truism that ‘you cannot give what you don't have'. I only blame the Nigerian system that continues to throw up mediocre and unexceptionally minded people as leaders in a sea of better talented and eminently qualified people who may never get the opportunity because of the dirty way we run our politics.
The present administration is no different from the clueless and fruitless 8 years rulership of Kalu and his mother. Until recently, Kalu was still the lord of the manor and he dictated the tune of music at the government house. So powerful was he that he installed the present Governor in absentia, defeating the PDP and his sworn enemy Obasanjo. Things fell apart before the 2011 elections and Chief T.A Orji severed his ties with his godfather in a battle that was erroneously compared to that of Moses and Pharaoh in the bible. The Governor said at that time that he was tired of the burden and cloak of bondage strapped around his administration by his task master and his mother. To garner public sympathy and votes, he enthused that he had liberated Abians from the bondage of Pharaoh and that God has sent his as the Moses to lead the God's own state into the promise land. As gullible as our nature has always been, Abians accepted this implausible argument and lined up behind the self - acclaimed Moses. The rest was history and we are still waiting to get to the promise land.
Pray, do the roads in Aba look like that which can be found in the land flowing with milk and honey? Instead of taking us to the promise land, he has abandoned us in the wilderness of hopelessness. Driving through Aba is like driving to Golgotha. The ditches in the streets of Aba are like swimming through the red sea. How many communities has he lighted up with electricity since liberating them? How many communities has he provided with portable drinking water? How many communities has he connected together with good road network? How many new schools has he built or renovated across the state. Are we better off than we were in the hands of the supposed Pharaoh?
Abians like I said earlier are enterprising folks, they are not asking for manner from Chief T.A Orji. They are only asking for basic amenities that will improve their lives and businesses. Aba, the business nerve centre of eastern Nigeria can be turned into Tokyo with creative thinking and innovative leadership. As an agrarian state, investment in agriculture will ensure food security as well as increase sources for internally generated revenue. My brothers in the Enyimba city will expand their businesses with improved power supply, good roads and access to loan incentives from the government.
It is unfortunate that we live in a clime where criticizing the government is a taboo. Chief T.A Orji could do better by listening to the gale of criticisms against him by the people who bought his cock and bull Moses - Pharaoh Story during the elections. Instead he has surrounded himself with a bunch of hungry politicians whose duties are to hail him Ochendo not because he is living up to the name but because their meal ticket is tied to praise singing. Blaming tax collectors for the paltry 250 million monthly IGR or the rainy season for the absence of construction activities in Aba only reveals that the administration of Chief T.A Orji has been sleeping since 2007.
This administration still has ample time to move our people out of the wilderness of stagnation; this can only be done not by fighting critics but by concentrating on the business of governance. The performance of any administration is not based solely on what has been achieved but also on what could have been achieved. If placed on the balance of sound judgement, this present government cannot in all honesty say that the few projects it has been bandying around as achievement is the best Abia can muster given the rich potentials of the state - both tapped and untapped. Is this the Moses or should we wait for another?

Offor Honest hails from Abia State; He can be reached through offorhonest@gmail.com