"If we wish to free ourselves from enslavement, we must choose freedom and the responsibility this entails."

Leo Buscaglia


Do you remember that time your mum decided to heat up the stew but forgot it on the cooker? On realising, she ran to the kitchen with a worried you in tow. Upset, she grumbled angrily, turned to you incredulously and asked “how could you not smell burning??!!!”

One lesson that I think most if not all parents unconsciously teach us kids is that of ‘misplaced responsibility’. I can go on and on with examples.

I must admit that when I first resumed school in England, I hated the word ‘responsibility’. I had always been an ok student – I did my home work, tried to study etc. However, none of this was voluntary. There was always a sense of ‘trouble’ if I did not do them. Teachers would beat me if I did not do my home work and parents would beat me if I failed exams. This system was alright till I got to England. My teachers would say something like “it is your responsibility to get your work done”. I had to do things out of the willingness of my heart.

This is not an article about the extremities in the disciplinary methods employed in different countries so please read within context. I did not hate ‘responsibility’ for any dark reasons. I simply was not used to it. Students were not completely left alone in that we had our teachers’ support whenever we needed it but they did not spend all their time breathing down our necks. We had to face the consequences of our actions and inactions (albeit some consequences would not worry a Naija girl! e.g 15 minutes detention lol).


I think we have been brought up to do things under duress and fear that we have somehow lost the notion of doing the right thing simply because it is right. A big disadvantage of this is that we end up not maximising our potentials; we mainly do enough to just get by with the ‘as long as I stay out of trouble’ mentality. Doing the right thing takes a lot of discipline and effort unlike just going along with anything we feel like doing or going by how other people are also not bothered. An easy example is the issue of littering. I once went on holiday to Nigeria for two weeks and in the space of that time, friends always laughed at my insistence on finding bins so that I could drop my rubbish. During a second holiday in which I stayed for two months, there was one occasion when I dropped litter on the floor and a friend called me out on it. I had simply lost the zeal for looking for bins and I had been holding the empty can for so long. I probably unconsciouly thought "well I am in Nigeria where no one really cares about that". However, this did not justify my action. I took the drink and it was my responsibility to dispose the empty can in the right manner and not just the ‘easy’ and irresponsible way.

Taking responsibility also has a part to play in the growth of Nigeria. I believe that one of the reasons people in positions of authority abuse their positions and engage in corrupt practices is because they know that deep down, Nigerians do not actually hold them responsible for their actions. We all have the “what else do we expect? That is how it has always been” mindset and so we talk and right after that we move on, expecting the next scandal.

Leaders (from school prefects to presidents) are responsible for their actions as well as the actions of their subordinates (this does not excuse the failures of the subordinate(s) in question). I stumbled on a YouTube clip (BBC Hardtalk) in which ex-president Olusegun Obasanjo shamelessly refused to accept responsibility for the corruption in his government when he was Nigeria's president. A leader with integrity would have taken responsibility for the failures of his ministers, ordered probes and ensured prosecution of the offending persons. However, he shamelessly sat there asking if the interviewer had evidences on him ‘personally’. I read an online article that quoted President Goodluck Jonathan as “accepting full responsibilities’ for the failed attempt to rescue two Europeans abducted in Nigeria. I commend him for that but I must admit it felt really strange as that hardly ever happens.

Only a strong amount of indignation would make us protest against the ills in our society and as long as we do not know how to hold people responsible for their actions, we are always going to have problems. Yes a president is in charge of a nation, he has a responsibility to make sure that his subordinates are doing their jobs. But in your haste to blame the president, do not forget the teachers and principals in schools around you, do not forget the Chief Medical Directors in hospitals around you, do not forget the Director of the PHCN office in your neighbourhood, do not forget the Division Police Officer in your area, do not forget your Local Government chairman – even his councillors.

When we accept our individual responsibilities towards our personal and national growth, then we would know that there is a need to hold the ‘right people’ responsible for their actions. Hold the right people responsible and they will feel the pressure to do right. We need to work from the bottom up. We most times concentrate on leaders and people that we cannot see, how about starting from our houses, our streets and our churches?

Individuals should care for each other and help each other as much as possible, however, responsibilities for actions taken or not taken rest firmly on the shoulders of the individuals involved.


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“Reality denied comes back to haunt.” Philip K. Dick.


One of my favourite words is ‘beautiful’. Proves I am Nigerian! Gosh we love beautiful and big things – gigantic houses and cars, dresses, shoes etc. Even when unaffordable, taking out a cooperative loan is not a hard thing for most. The need to have everything picture perfect has now resulted in what I call ‘under the carpet’ syndrome.

We do not mind living in denial as long as our issues can perfectly fit under the carpet. We hide the mentally challenged relatives in the boys’ quarters, hide the students whose parents cannot afford socks and books at the back of the classroom during inspection, hide poor citizens by destroying their shops and houses and we hide the suffering masses in gigantic places of worship.

Blatant hypocrisy!

Usually, we can have a field day ridiculing PHCN for not ‘bringing’ light for the past three days, but God bless the non-Nigerian soul who dares to abuse ‘our’ PHCN! There is a Yoruba adage that says ‘bami na omo mi, ko de nu olomo’ which literally means ‘beat (discipline) my kid for me, is not a sincere request’. We like to do the beating ourselves, because we get so embarrassed about washing our dirty linens in public. Why not wash them in public if it will bring solutions? Are we not being publicly humiliated by our leaders on daily basis?

Let’s picture this - Kunle is the sole breadwinner of his family, his wife is involuntarily unemployed and he cannot afford to send all of his children to school when they can barely feed. His difficulty with feeding and maintaining his family has nothing to do with being poorly paid though, he is extremely well paid. However, Kunle has a habit - he enjoys his toys and gadgets, so whenever he gets paid, he either gets a new car or the latest iPad. Kunle can also be very generous! You know what he does when he’s feeling generous? He shares his money with his family by buying new furniture and repainting the house. You also think Kunle must be crazy? This is what Nigeria does to its people! What is there to hide?

This brings me to the on-going operation ‘clean Nigeria’. When people get their homes or stalls destroyed, what choices do they have other than moving to other ‘illegal’ sites? I personally do not care about how beautiful some places look when behind those images, there are starving families with uneducated children. Nigeria is a prosperous country but individual citizens still have to pay for everything from health to education. There are no general social schemes to relieve hardships. If majority of Nigerian citizens were provided with means of earning their living, would most not stick with the rules? Why do we allow our government to put the cart before the horse?

Hate it or accept it, 61% of us live in poverty, there are children out of education, mental illnesses exist, unemployment is rife, security is almost non-existent, citizens feel uncared for and nurse deep resentments. For Nigeria to have a positive image, we should work earnestly towards fixing the issues and not just sit back and encourage unnecessary cover-ups.

The officials who used millions to open a Facebook account, the state governor who bought an at worst ‘comfortable’ celebrity a car, the Director General who ‘fed’ daily with #850,000 – these are the kinds of people we should be getting rid of and not our brothers and sisters who are struggling to survive. People who acquire their wealth through corrupt practices or live above their means have NOTHING to be proud of and should not be hero-worshipped. Enough of the ‘buje budanu’ idolatry!

We need to get our priorities right. We have been oppressed for so long that we jump at the sight of supposedly beautiful places and things. Why should we forget about the beauty of humanity?





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AjanleKoko:

Well, you certainly 'occupied' this thread. Hardly any space left to post anything.
And the post itself? A long winding journey that eventually led to nowhere.

wow, thank God you were finally able to squeeze in ur lil comment then ey? Each to their own, there are others who would gain from it. Thanks

ayox2003:

AJ too dey yab people these days.


Pemi, here on NL, people dont have the time to read long posts. Write your points and put the link to ur blog.

Thanks, I'll consider that. NL people might wanna slow down though lol

yamakuza: I was seriously looking for the Go Down hyperlink.

Had to scroll down in the end.

Seems i've seen the article on this board before.

Hiya, a friend once shared the article on here before I opened my own account. I am pretty new on here and do not understand what you mean by 'Go Down' link. Please explain and thanks for reading

nitrogen: Good post but too long.
Passion and aspiration are both good career determinants, but most, especially nigerians are victims of norms and circumstances. The ever increasing challenges faced in Nigeria has led to a 'normal' and 'no choice' thing. Thats why you see graduates and undergraduates with the wrong notion imparted on them by nature and drive to survive (and not to succeed) always forgetting their goals and opting for what will 'just put food on their table'.

True, it is a long article but I did not have NL in mind when I wrote it . Tryna use this medium to share the contents of my blog with folks on here. Praying for the day that majority of Nigerians will no longer have to settle when it comes to pursuing their goals. Thanks for taking the time to read through.

Growing up in Nigeria, I knew I was going to become a medical doctor. It was not a hard decision and I know that a lot of people especially Africans would understand. Back home, science students blessed with good grades are expected to end up as Doctors or Engineers and social-science/art students would become Lawyers and Accountants. Well, I could not really stand Physics so Engineering was out of it for me pretty early on. For students who ended up becoming medical doctors, the route taken to reach that goal was quite straight forward: finish secondary school with high grades, write Jamb and get admitted to study medicine and they were very much on their way. This isn’t the route for everyone but in my environment back then it was the most common route.

Compared with a few people that I know, I actually had a little driving force: I did not want to be a Nurse! Before you crucify me, my dad is a Nurse. A really good and passionate nurse if I must say and I admire him a lot. So my reasons? Well, I must have been about 9 years old when I got admitted into hospital because I had typhoid (“the lollies being sold outside the school gates are bad for you, you don’t know where the water’s from” my mum warned, but Payme had to find out the hard way :|. The things we put our parents through ey!). Back to business, there is one thing I hate about hierarchy and that is the ‘rudeness’ that people with no professionalism bring with it. And I am sure Nigerians can testify to it that right from primary school to places of work, ‘SENIORITY’ is the order of the day. I saw how some of the doctors talked to the nurses like the nurses were less important and I did not like it – there goes my first reason. Also, while on my hospital bed, I was being pampered and treated nicely and I would like to think that this was because the nurses liked my dad who was their colleague at the time plus he was also a unionist. He was not a paediatric nurse, but even in his absence, the nurses were really nice. But there was a stark difference between the way I was treated and the way the other kids in the ward were treated even with their parents present. They got their drugs, injections etc. on time but there was a distinct lack of empathy and the nurses/doctors were sometimes impatient when it came to reassuring the worried parents. I knew this difference was because they regarded my dad as one of their own and being his child, it was simply natural for them to be nice. Right there and then, as a child, I decided I was going to work in a hospital (albeit for selfish reasons) – there’s my second reason. So, I was going to work in a hospital and not as a nurse but as a doctor. Simple!

However, as a child, I never thought of the implications of those seemingly insignificant thoughts that led to my decisions. What would happen if I fell sick in a part of the country where none of my family members worked? Would I need to also train as a banker so that I can be treated nicely in banks? Would I build schools and employ teachers so that my own children will not be ignored while other teachers mainly focused on their colleagues’ children? Would I need to become a police officer or marry a policeman so that whenever my car gets stopped by officers who are mainly interested in my N20, I can just get myself out of the situation by presenting my ID card or simply placing a phone call?...


Read the concluding part here [http://paymes2cents..co.uk/2012/02/nigerian-dream.html]


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This article has nothing to do with abusive relationships!!!


"Men are not the enemy, but the fellow victims. The real enemy is women's denigration of themselves."

Betty Friedan



I have recently been thinking about some issues to do with the female gender and in light of today being International Women's day, I would like to share one with you

There are many beautiful sayings in my language (Yoruba) that describe how much of a blessing mothers are, for instance ‘Iya ni wura – mother is gold’, ‘Orisa bi iya o si laye – there is no idol like a mother in the world’ etc. I am sure that other languages have their own ways of expressing these sentiments. However, there is another saying that is frequently used when praising mothers which does not sit well with me:


‘Nitori omo, o jiya n'ile oko - Because of her children, she suffered in her matrimonial home’.


I want to focus on the ‘n’ile oko’ (matrimonial home) part. I have heard this saying used so many times for non-abusive relationships and I simply do not get it! I accept that parents make huge sacrifices because they love their children but is it not a bit much to insinuate that a particular parent is responsible for the suffering of the other in marriage? How come a lot of the sayings that have to do with marriage are expressed with depressing language anyway?!

Why is it that the same adults who continue to paint marriage as this ‘hell on earth’ deal are the same ones who pressure young women to get married? If marriage is all about ‘iya’ (suffering), do parents who pressure their kids and then spend a lot of money on weddings not care about their children? Are the people dancing on a wedding day happily sending the bride into a life of slavery?

You can say Payme is here making a mountain out of a molehill but how many times have you heard ladies talk about marriage like it is not based on personal decisions? Do we just end up married to random men? A lady falls in love with a man, they ‘both’ decide to get married; yes it is a two way decision - he decides to ASK and she decides to say YES! They have amazing and bad times but then it is the woman that is ‘j’iya nile oko’?

My point is this, men exist in relationships too. We have somehow been brought up with this stereotype of men having no feelings, “men are this, men are that”; men also say “women are this, women are that”. We are inherently different, no two women are the same, no two men are the same and definitely one woman and a man cannot be the same. So, how about we see each other as humans with flaws?

Relationships, either with work colleagues, siblings or partners all need work to survive. Hard times are natural and again, I am not talking about abusive relationships here. Are we trying to say when married women have issues that need to be worked on, their husbands are blissfully happy while being completely oblivious to the plights of their wives? Even when a man is irresponsible and a woman decides to stay with him, it is her decision! There is no dignity in labelling women as victims when it comes to dealing with the consequences of their decisions and actions.

If parents could stop segregation in homes, for example by putting an end to assigning house chores based on children’s genders (boys wash cars while girls cook and clean), the ‘males are superior to females’ stereotype might not take root in the children and they would see each other as being equal thereby reducing the stereotypical attitudes to gender in their adult life. This would also force the females who are quick to milk the ‘victim’ act to start taking responsibilities for their actions. I do not think there is a female who is 100% feminine in all the aspects of her life, same with men. People should learn to deal with each other based on the ‘human’ scale. This would sure reduce the pressure of expectation on each individual based on their gender.

One thing I know is this, whenever I think of my parents’ relationship, I would rather think of their beautiful experience of falling in love, their decision to get married and ‘their’ commitment to stick with each other against all odds. Definitely, children benefit a lot when parents stay together but while I acknowledge that parents make great sacrifices for their children, I do not want to believe that there is any child who would want to think that their mother is suffering in a harrowing relationship because of them. I love my mother too much to be that selfish and I refuse to see my mother as a ‘weak(er)’ being.

Please, throw the stereotypes out! Do not label women as victims in life’s natural circumstances.



PS: I will always play Asa's 'So beautiful' to my mum on mother's day. Right after telling her to ignore the line with the saying of course lol.


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“Right is right even if no one is doing it; wrong is wrong even if everyone is doing it.” Saint Augustine


To start with, I know that this is just a music video and it is one of hundreds of videos with similar themes. However, my issue with it is very relevant to the present day attitudes of a lot of us young people and it is the most recent video that I have seen since starting my blog. This is why I’m choosing to write about it.


Can someone please tell me what the first 30 seconds of the video was all about!


Scene:

Poor waiter who unfortunately had to wait on a group of arrogant and self-obsessed boys made the ‘mistake’ of asking if they were going to pay for their drinks. The response he got was the intentional spilling of ‘expensive’ bottles of wine before having huge wads of cash slammed on his tray.

The message?

I am rich and I can do whatever I please no matter how egocentric I look.

My Issue:

I have a problem with the sheer arrogance portrayed in this video. I believe this is one of the roots of the major problems facing this generation. It is partly responsible for the current spate of scams, stylish or outright prostitutions and even armed robberies. A lot of young people involved in horrible things like yahoo, aristo (sleeping with older men for material gains) etc. mainly do it for this 'Big boy/Big girl' effect. Yes there are other factors such as parental upbringing, environmental influences etc. that contribute to these but having the despicable behaviour glorified in music videos does not help matters.

Who are we competing with? Why the incessant need to show off? Usually, people who obtain their wealth through hard work are not lousy since they know the value of money. I know this borders on individual personalities but I also know that spending or enjoying your money is no excuse for being downright disrespectful or lousy about it. 'Fingers are not equal' - does that make the thumb more important than the middle finger? That you are rich and someone else is from a more humble background makes them lower than you?

Back to the video, the waiter was clearly disrespected. That someone is waiting on you either as your hairdresser, house help or driver does not decrease their value as a human being. The lack of respect shown just because the waiter did not belong in their ‘class’ is deplorable.

I did not find the spilling of the drinks funny either. I have seen this done so many times. It does not make anybody look cool or untouchable; they just looked wasteful! If you have too much money, go give to charity or help people in your neighbourhood. I know that there are people that work hard and play hard too and in no way am I against having a party or chilling with friends. But these can be done tastefully without I repeat 'being lousy'! To me, the dudes in the video did not appear cool. They actually looked like the 'money miss road' types.

Recently saw a picture of 50 Cent with wads of cash lining the whole stretch of his two arms. Sad thing is that a lot of young people see people who act like this as role models. Young people are being lead to believe that being significant in life has to do with external and material things which is a blatant lie! But how do we go about correcting these mind-sets if these messages make up the majority of what young people see on the internet and television?

We should take a deep look at ourselves, outside of our clothes, our shoes and make-up, WHO ARE WE?


P.S: Someone tell the boy that nobody is trying to ‘da duro’.


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musKeeto: Views is the number of views your topic gets when you post on NL..
Posts is the number of replies to your topic.
What I meant was expect a lot of views, but little posts, cos you've touched on a really sensitive subject. And the people whom it affects are unwilling to accept it, so will remain indifferent to your post..
You sound interesting by the way, and quite pretty..
WELCOME TO NL... lots of craze people here esp in this section...

Oh kk, I get you better now. We can't keep shying away from sensitive issues..gotta keep enlightening each other. Thanks for the compliments and yea, hope I get to learn NL ropes quickly. Thank you

.

musKeeto: Expect view post ratio to be low.. very low..

Hi, what do you mean by post ratio please? I am new on here. Thanks.

...it is of no value and only ruins those who listen... [NIV]
2Tim 2 vs. 14 - 19


Oh, forget about his being human. Forget that he is a teacher of ‘God’s word’ and not actually God. He is my ‘god’. He is perfect or at least close to perfect. I must never hear of his failings or questions about his ministry as it reflects badly on me. Do you not realise that having an infallible pastor earns the church members bragging rights? What do you want people to think of me if they saw that my pastor is the one being talked about negatively in the news?

That bible verse, the one that says ‘by their fruits you shall know them’, well you should not really talk about his bad ‘fruits’ as it makes me look bad. It makes me feel judged like you are questioning my reasons for attending the church. You see, my pastor is a ‘god’ and he should not have to explain things to mere mortals.

Who says your judgement is right any way? Are you not judging his fruit by your own flawed fruits? I would never go to a church with a pastor whose fruits are as good as or worse than mine. Any news about my pastor’s wrongs is false. Like I said, he is a ‘god’ with a perfect relationship with his wife – they never argue or fight. His wife is perfect too – as gentle as a dove. You mean their children? They are straight ‘A’ and tongue-speaking children.

He reads his bible and hears from God daily. I do not have as much time to dedicate to studying my bible in-depth as he does, so I depend on him to read and then teach me. I do not think that you get how perfect my pastor is. Why does he need to explain himself when we are here for him, me and other church members? Did the bible not say ‘touch not my anointed’? Why the questions? If you have anything to ask, get on your knees and pray to God about my ‘god’.

My pastor should release a statement to allay people of their fears and doubts? Do politicians do the same?

“Oh, church standards and political standards are the same?”

Yes, why not. Politicians do not explain their source of wealth; they do not explain how they spend their money, why should my ‘god’ do so? I am a member and I do not even know where everything goes so why should you the outsider care? You are just trying to show me that your ‘god’ is bigger and better than my ‘god’. It does not really matter that some of your questions are logical, let the big God judge.


My pastor is a god; he has nothing to do with mortals, let him be!



Religious issues are not so black and white and this is not an article written to justify any of the ‘issues’. It is an article for the defenders and the critics – you and I.

As controversial as Pastor Oyakhilome’s video in which he discussed masturbation was, I appreciate the fact that he responded to the criticisms about his stance. I have my own opinions about the issue and while I do not necessarily agree with him on that topic, at least I am sure of where he stands. Preachers are humans first. A lot of them have chosen to submit their flesh to learning and in turn teach us about the word of God. This does not mean we should lose our minds.

It is not for me to defend or ridicule a preacher. I do not claim to know all that goes on in my church and I accept that churches with large denominations are not as easy to learn about, but please do not judge me when I respectfully ask logical questions. Respect others to make up their own minds and do not bamboozle people with ‘generic’ bible verses. That I ask questions about tithes and offerings does not mean I am doomed to be poor neither should my questions about sexual immorality deem me hellbound.

It is impossible to draw boundaries that would suit everyone when it comes to religion. Different sentiments and traditions make religion an easy target for abuse. You should not expect me to take everything in ‘hook, line and sinker’ because it involves a pastor. When I have things in my bible that I do not understand, I go on my knees; when I have things in my church that I do not understand, why can I not go to my pastor? The important thing is to not be rude and as such sin when asking questions. I do not think it is too much for pastors to release statements about ongoing issues in order to clarify any misgivings.

We sometimes put so much pressure on preachers due to our own hypocrisy. You can hear a verse in the bible quoted and taught in different ways. Do we forget about our personal responsibility to study our bibles in order to be able to discern right and wrong teachings? Balance is important in everything. Check out the fruits of a preacher, if you like them and can attend his church, do so. If you do not like them, move on. It is good to ask questions in order to become better enlightened as long as we are careful to not sin. Blind criticism helps no one.

I also do not believe that the church should be likened to how banks, governments etc. are run. This cheapens it to human level. That some people/pastors fall short does not mean we should totally scrape the expected standard and bring it to ‘our level’. Church is about bringing people to Jesus – seemingly outrageous things should be explained and not grouped under ‘people will always talk’. Teach me how to get to speak in tongues and do not forget to tell me WHY; teach me about the benefits of giving and do not forget to show me HOW it blesses me and others; teach me how to act right and do not forget to tell me WHY I owe it to myself and my society. I do not want generic quotes; I need the real deal.

I do not want my pastor to be the politician that lies to me, the boss that bullies me, the parent that orders me around; I simply want him to be MY PASTOR. He needs the same understanding, love and respect that I give to others. He is not infallible.

My pastor is not a god; he is a man – my spiritual teacher.




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