It took me a while to decide on the title of this thread but then, it still somehow doesn't capture the idea of my post. Regardless, here goes...

There is no denying that living together as a couple between most men and their wife is like a herculean task these days, no thanks to divorce news, accusations and counter-accusations thrown around on almost every social media platform. As usual, Nairaland is not spared.

I have so many married friends with varying degrees of marital issues and it often flies above my head how their issues degenerated so bad that they have practically become housemates with their other person. They talk when in the home, laugh once in a while but the mental and emotional connection is all but gone. For the sake of this particular thread, I will be citing 4 different cases of my married friends, of both genders then will also look at some wild-spec instances I picked or learnt from my unmarried friends. These are all real-life scenarios.

Case One:

She was 22 and barely out of school before she got married to her husband. They didn't really know each other that much as a matter of fact but they got married anyway. Her reason was that 'he ticked all of her boxes' (which were basically money, a car and at least a 3 bedroom apartment). Hubby, on her part, decided to marry her because she is fair-skinned, gap-toothed and tall. Their marriage is about 6 years now and they have 3 amazing kids.

The problem?

The 'male spec' isn't strong bedmatically, he cheats (has been caught cheating by dear wife in the past), not exactly the type who communicates and has a traditional mindset. Sex, to him, is 'insert and out', share grace and sleep, and' the concept of intimacy/MouthAction is taboo in his village that if he does it, he might need to appease the gods for dishonouring them'. She has over 15 different ePDFs on ancient Kamasutra and once shared them with me. Heavy, graphic and detailed files. But he isn't interested.

The 'female spec' is indeed a beautiful lady, homely but laced with hot blood. She is wild, adventurous and isn't shy to admit or discuss her fantasies and marital sufferings with her friends, including yours truly. She is the total opposite of the 'male spec' and has or might have been cheating already. The last time she ranted about cheating and getting satisfied was about two years ago. Don't want to go beyond this.

Case 2:

Let's call him Dustin. Dustin met 'his spec' when he travelled for a project to a neighbouring state. Dustin's spec who is now his wife has an interesting appeal. She is effortlessly fair-skinned, natural pink lips, a conversationist, and an emotional being. Dustin would not allow anyone rest about his spec and how he would love and adore her the day he finds her. Practically all the ladies in his life at some point were that way but Seike (not real name) was different. Anyways, they got married and a lazy Dustin who doesn't like house chores other than doing laundry discovered that his spec of a wife doesn't actually know how to cook and doesn't like the kitchen at all. It all started as a joke until their families got involved less than 7 months into the union. Man wasn't having it anymore and wasn't willing to tolerate 'his spec's' shortcomings.

On his part, he has always been a nightcrawler and marriage has not exactly nipped that in the bud. Perhaps the idea of going home to met an empty pot when he knows he can't cook is not really appealing. Sure, he loves her but it is one petty issue or another. They are barely two years in and his great escape means is when he is travelling for projects.

Case 3

Call her MJ, the typical life of the party; lovable and quite open. As an undergraduate, MJ was an exco in her fellowship and was somewhat gentle. She was the tongue-speaking, gun-blazing, fire breathing dragon and must be present in almost all spiritual meetings organized by her fellowship, else, she is backsliding and moving away from God. She isn't actually religious but churchy. In a social gathering, she is the first to request for 'taju-taju' even when she knows there was no provision for alcohol (this is only recent). MJ's definition of spec was the now-famed TDH and boy, she got lucky! Or so we thought. 'Her spec' drips finesse. He is indeed tall, dark and charming. He is a quiet (well, so far though) chap who currently works as a manager in a financial institution and drives a pretty decent car. MJ works as an accountant and isn't bad at all.

'Finesse babyboy', unfortunately, is a cheat. Man can practically adore a woman's shadow just to 'get there'. He is barely home and when he is, always watching football. They don't talk deep anymore. At some point, she caught him cheating was ready to walk away from the marriage but she was talked into staying and that was where things went wrong. Strangely, 'baby boy' wasn't exactly skilled and a churchy MJ never really fancied sex. However, the fact that he isn't skilled in the affairs of the other room didn't deter him from cheating severally.

The problem with the marriage is Ps 123:7 and they have been married for nearly 8 years. Her inability to conceive is actually his fault but the patriarchal society we live in pressured her so much that she broke and started an affair with a chap who is a friend of the family. It all started with counselling, praying together and the rest is history. Sadly, the chap she was seeing happened to have mastered some ancient body exploration that they met almost every three days. It got so bad that she started fertility treatment with the dude. The reward for the chap being around her was gifts, money and of course the free access. She finally loved the act and couldn't get enough until a massive scandal rocked recently and she had to painfully let the guy whom she has been seeing for over 18 months go. Not sure the husband got to know the details but she told him while she wanted them to talk but because his sin were heavy and graver, he couldn't bring himself to have a heart-to-heart with her.

They are currently making conscious efforts to fix their home right now and it's been good so far.

Case 4

It just had to be a pastor's daughter for Cole. He has always been obsessed with them for weird reasons that he didn't take any chances the first time he set his eyes of Thelma. Thelma's father is a Zonal Pastor in one of the popular Pentecostal churches around. Cole is our lead guitarist and a charming young man, though struggling. The day Thelma attended a mass choir rehearsal and played the drums like a pro was the day Cole fell in love. It was her or no one else. Long story short, they are married but living apart. Thelma is in her parents' house while Cole had to temporarily relocate to make more money. His mother in law who came for Omugwo overstayed and ended up spending nearly five months. He couldn't send 'pastor's wife' away as he was scared to incur the wrath of the pastor. Strangely, sweet Thelma is still greatly attached to her mum that it made it difficult. He ran into debts trying to impress Thelma and her pastor father by throwing a big wedding he could not afford. They have 3 kids now but things are not as they ought to. What's worse, he has aged rapidly that he now looks like a shadow of himself.

Budding Case

This is rather interesting than all of the aforementioned cases. James is currently confused and unsure whether to lie to the pastor that he had a dream or not. You see, he has a girl he likes a lot but they don't even know each other that deep, strangely. James has talked to his pastor but he regretted he did as he could not respond to his pastor's only question on what his conviction is that the lady is the right person for him. His response is 'I just know she's the one for me' and nothing more. He has been asked to go and pray and has not seen a thing but he has said he might tell the pastor that he had a dream just so he can be with a fair-skinned, well-endowed lady with some puppy eyes.

My Point

There is a reason why the rate of divorce in Nigeria is high and increasing almost daily. Almost every Nigerian celebrity with a failed marriage always come out to pin it on abuse and other vices when these traits must have been seen at the earliest phase of the relationship and possibly avoided but the 'specs' fried their senses. Everyone, regardless of gender, loves a beautiful/charming person. However, this should serve as the basis for attraction and not marriage proper.

Specs will definitely not keep a relationship, let alone sustain one. As a matter of fact, one stops seeing that spec the moment you get to see the person often.

You can see a pre-wedding photo today and take a wild guess what the attraction was and you'll be right. Strangely, all of the cases I cited had one popular saying; 'he/she has changed is not the person I fell in love with'. Well, true that. you went for the spec and ignored those things that mattered the most. Imagine someone whose specs in ladies is a spotless face. . And then there is the beard gang category which almost every lady falls under.

Are specs actually bad? The obvious answer is 'NO'. However, they shouldn't be the basis for getting married. What happens, when a spotless face becomes riddled with acne? What happens when one of those straight, fine legs get amputated after getting married for just that one reason? What happens when pressures zap your libido and the primary reason you married is for sex?

I am not saying people should end up with the exact opposite of what they have in mind. Rather, they should pay attention to deep traits that will come in handy and possibly sustain the marriage when the time comes.

You read or hear about a particular marital problem and you can't help but wonder what the couple talked about or discussed during dating/courtship. Marriage remains beautiful but most people marry for all the wrong reasons in the world. Specs won't keep a home and it won't make one happy forever. I think it is high time young people really sat down and learn to prioritize what is of benefit to them and their home; specs or peace of mind?

This issue is something we are in one way guilty of . Wanting a TDH/ FBAbabe in the long run ignoring the important things .

Marriage is totally unnecessary now, know this and know peace in your life. You can choose to still look fresh and bubbling with enough money at 70 banging young pussies (some of my future sugar girls have not been born trust me).

What is TDH and FBA?

StarFire08:
This issue is something we are in one way guilty of . Wanting a TDH/ FBAbabe in the long run ignoring the important things .

I used to be guilty but not anymore. I meet interesting people periodically and it is often shocking to see that being pretty does not mean much when forever is in view.

johnkey:
Marriage is totally unnecessary now, know this and know peace in your life. You can choose to still look fresh and bubbling with enough money at 70 banging young pussies (some of my future sugar girls have not been born trust me).

And then you can actually end up with SOMEONE BUT FOR THE RIGHT REASONS and live your life without the many, unnecessary challenges of marriage. It doesn't mean there won't be issues. There will be but it won't be as bad as what applies in today's unions.

You can actually still look better than you are in marriage but only when you end up with someone who will make life worth your while.

GboyegaD:
What is TDH and FBA?

Not sure about FBA but TDH is TALL, DARK & HANDSOME.

Sanchez01:

Not sure about FBA but TDH is TALL, DARK & HANDSOME.

Thanks. All these slangs are way too many.

johnkey:
Marriage is totally unnecessary now, know this and know peace in your life. You can choose to still look fresh and bubbling with enough money at 70 banging young pussies (some of my future sugar girls have not been born trust me).

people will talk

GboyegaD:


Thanks. All these slangs are way too many.

Truth is, this particular slang is one of the oldest around.

Klass99:
Lol Sanchez you have you married? Share your own story make we learn too.

If you are, what motivated you to get married a.k.a what were your reasons? And if you aren't married yet, what are your reasons?

I enjoyed reading your case studies, it was entertaining and educating. Case 1 reminds me of a nairalander's story (can't remember her username now)

I am glad I didn't do that at the time but chose to pursue the desires in my heart, when one suitor wanted us to get married so badly at my 22 years. I was young and naive, I'm not sure how we would have fared but I like the older me better than the younger me.

Lol.

I have some pretty decent relationship experience but I am not married at the moment. I still fancy picking my bags and finding myself in a state or place I have never been in the name of vacation. I know all of these will reduce or disappear the moment I get married since the purpose is primarily for leisure and not business. I am overly considerate in a way that it is annoying but God help me here.

I love love and life at the same time and the idea of staying this way is me starting over and over again, particularly when I thought all was good and then find out it isn't. It isn't difficult hitting the reset button when it doesn't work out and I still invest the same amount of energy as I would with all.

Regardless, I already have my reasons and they are:

1. To signify a life-long commitment (I have always been given to the 'One man, one woman' theory and the concept of side-chicking isn't appealing to me).
2. For love (a man is demisexual and a hopeless romantic. So I figure this for me, takes centre stage than anything).
3. Public commitment.

Lol... Perhaps you would have fared well, perhaps not. I hear some people say they are capable of loving someone they've never been attracted to if they get married to them, so it might have happened. But yeah, it is also better to have some sort of awakening and self-awareness before venturing into a lifetime commitment.

Trust you are good though?

I guess FBA means face, breast,ass . Nothing beats peace of mind tho

Panacea278:
I guess FBA means face, breast,ass . Nothing beats rest of mind tho

LMAO! Didn't even think of it this way. Thanks!

Katcall:
people will talk

fvck the people lol, infact people talking is what will stop me from doing what they expect, just to make them mad and look stupid

Sanchez, my Bible has no Psalms 123:7

I agree that the idea of having a "fixed" spec is problematic. It has a way of creating a psychological turn-off towards people who don't fit into those specifications.

The consequence usually is that;

1. We miss out on relationships that may have been much more fulfilling.

2. It causes us to tolerate excesses in those so-called "specs." Excesses that oftentimes dent or completely ruin the relationship in the long run.

GboyegaD:
What is TDH and FBA?

Tall ,dark and handsome .FBA - fairskinned big ass babes

PrimadonnaO:
Sanchez, my Bible has no Psalms 123:7

I agree that the idea of having a "fixed" spec is problematic. It has a way of creating a psychological turn-off towards people who don't fit into those specifications.

The consequence usually is that;

1. We miss out on relationships that may have been much more fulfilling.

2. It causes us to tolerate excesses in those so-called "specs." Excesses that oftentimes dent or completely ruin the relationship in the long run.

123:7, sorry about that.

Voila! You smashed the nail head! Basically, almost all of the persons in the cases cited have hammered your number one point so much so that they will turn back the hands of the clock if they could and start afresh, knowing what they know now.

Klass99:


Your post had me smiling from ear to ear. I like your outlook on life but what do you mean by public commitment?

Okay, so I have come to realize that I am proud but in an unconventional way. In a relationship, I like to show the other person off not to spite or make people feel uncomfortable but to put a caveat on myself and subtly tell off 'distractions' that might sell the idea of cheating to me at some point. A public show for me is me saying 'there is someone in the picture and the fact that you know should tell you I mean it'. This is not in any way related to social media relationship though. That one I can't stomach.

I needed that self awareness and to discover myself before getting married. Marrying @ 22 just didn't feel right to me, thankfully I had (and still have) enlightened parents who didn't push or force the issue of marriage on any of their kids.

Now that I'm older, more self aware and I think independently (I've always had a mind of own and was a non-conformist as far back as secondary school & university anyway ) I know that;

You sure have amazing parents. Our very own society has unconsciously embedded the idea of early marriage into us that a 25-year old lady is already depressed for being unmarried. It is a lifetime commitment and I don't think early marriage means much. The most important thing is ending up with someone who makes life a bliss rather than a nightmare.

1. I want to love and be loved.

2. I'm not crazy about having kids of my own. The thought of it exhausts me, more than it excites.

3. I want a man who understands that even though we may be married, we do not lose ourselves or our individuality.

On point 3, the lyrics from one of Neyo's says songs comes to mind - I'm a movement all by myself but we are a force when we are together.

4. I want and love companionship, good and authentic companionship with lots of quality time with my man, like just cuddling him in front of the TV, while we watch our favourite programs and me running my hands over his bare chest, occasionally massaging his neck and shoulders. I don't think you love love more than me o especially when the feeling is mutual.

5. I want a married life experience where he'll be my baby and I'll be his. We will be two adults just taking care of each other and doing the good we can in our community and to the people in our lives and space (whether we know them personally or not)

I believe one of the best things to happen to us as humans is knowing we love someone who loves us. It simplifies the 'stress' in relationships if at all there are any.

You that your number 3... It is the ultimate goal of any relationship, to begin with. Being with someone and still being you rather than standing on your backfoot every time? It's bliss!

Your number 4 got me staring and clueless!

Younger me may have gotten married simply because;

1. My suitor was good looking, he wanted it and was mounting the pressure like kilode?

2. The so called society expected it of me as a woman and......

3. Who knows I may have been one of your case studies today if not divorced sef

Older me has the presence of mind to make well thought out decisions on the basis of my self awareness. Decisions that help rather than hurt me, in the short or long term.

I'm good. I hope you are too.

In all sincerity, marriage in itself isn't a goal. Anyone can get married, I'm sure, but staying married? That's the goal! I am of the opinion that it is better to remain single and enjoy life rather than tag along in a toxic or chaotic home. Arguments and fight drain me very fast.

Ironically, most of the truly happy marriages I see upclose of that of older people. People who clown with themselves and play like they are buddies. You need to see their arguments or when they are driving. It's like attending a comedy show. True, every union is unique and so should the approach be. If you juxtapose these older marriages with couples in marriages of lesser than 5 years seeking to divorce 'for their mental health', you can't help but wonder whether or not what they saw has disappeared or that they didn't consider their mental health before ending up with their partners.

It's wild with today's marriages.

Sanchez01:

123:7, sorry about that.

Voila! You smashed the nail head! Basically, almost all of the persons in the cases cited have hammered your number one point so much so that they will turn back the hands of the clock if they could and start afresh, knowing what they know now.

Yeah. But they have to make the most of what they have now.

Why do people always have this mindset that you must choose between two evils. Like choosing between a caring poor man and an arrogant rich man, a beautiful arrogant girl and a well behaved ugly girl. Why can't the options be two beautiful well behaved ladies or two wealthy good-looking well trained gentlemen?... Why must the good choice always have an unpalatable flaw?
I strongly believe that specs and peace of mind can be found in one person, I shouldn't have to give up one for the other. There re women with both qualities and more... Find them.

addictiv:
Why do people always have this mindset that you must choose between two evils. Like choosing between a caring poor man and an arrogant rich man, a beautiful arrogant girl and a well behaved ugly girl. Why can't the options be two beautiful well behaved ladies or two wealthy good-looking well trained gentlemen?... Why must the good choice always have an unpalatable flaw?
I strongly believe that specs and peace of mind can be found in one person, I shouldn't have to give up one for the other. There re women with both qualities and more... Find them.

You miss the point. A spec can be one's peace of mind but what are the odds?

The message here is to not prioritise some shallow mindset which in itself is temporal. That someone will be one's peace of mind does not necessarily translate to being physically ugly or unattractive. Besides, beauty is subjective, so what gives?

Well behaved isn't even enough to stand as a criteria, just as being wealthy is enough. These are EXTRAS.

Nowhere in my post suggested or say it is practically about the opposite of the spec, attraction wise. However, putting those temporal things first and making them the basis for choosing a lifelong partner could be disastrous.

addictiv:
Why do people always have this mindset that you must choose between two evils. Like choosing between a caring poor man and an arrogant rich man, a beautiful arrogant girl and a well behaved ugly girl. Why can't the options be two beautiful well behaved ladies or two wealthy good-looking well trained gentlemen?... Why must the good choice always have an unpalatable flaw?
I strongly believe that specs and peace of mind can be found in one person, I shouldn't have to give up one for the other. There re women with both qualities and more... Find them.

Because your "spec" would blind you and you wouldn't notice their flaws. You would make excuses for your specs shortcomings and idolise them while the plain Jane down the street might be the best person for you but you would never see it because you put attraction over connection. There is nothing wrong with being with a beautiful lady but you have to be more careful not to get carried away, because most times the scales fall off your eyes when it's to late and you married.

PrimadonnaO:
Sanchez, my Bible has no Psalms 123:7

I agree that the idea of having a "fixed" spec is problematic. It has a way of creating a psychological turn-off towards people who don't fit into those specifications.

The consequence usually is that;

1. We miss out on relationships that may have been much more fulfilling.

2. It causes us to tolerate excesses in those so-called "specs." Excesses that oftentimes dent or completely ruin the relationship in the long run.

wish I could like this a hundred times, it's the summary of this whole topic.

Sanchez01:

I used to be guilty but not anymore. I meet interesting people periodically and it is often shocking to see that being pretty does not mean much when forever is in view.

I see my Sanchez is growing up

Sanchez01:

Not sure about FBA but TDH is TALL, DARK & HANDSOME.

Why did you now use FBA if you aren't sure of the meaning?

People become case studies and part of the statistics when they choose specs over peace of mind. Of course they will tell you "I can't marry someone I'm not attracted to", but they forget that specs alone cannot sustain a marriage. That face will wrinkle, the ass will become wobbly, the nacks will definitely reduce overtime, but you see that intangible aspect of them that will not be ravaged by the passage of time? That is what will keep the marriage going when all else becomes flabby and wrinkled.

The op is not and has never been married.
What you see from afar is not compared to what is seen from within. Marriage is an iceberg.
You're not qualified to open this thread


Walks out

havilla:
wish I could like this a hundred times, it's the summary of this whole topic.

Sanchez01:
It took me a while to decide on the title of this thread but then, it still somehow doesn't capture the idea of my post. Regardless, here goes...

There is no denying that living together as a couple between most men and their wife is like a herculean task these days, no thanks to divorce news, accusations and counter-accusations thrown around on almost every social media platform. As usual, Nairaland is not spared.

I have so many married friends with varying degrees of marital issues and it often flies above my head how their issues degenerated so bad that they have practically become housemates with their other person. They talk when in the home, laugh once in a while but the mental and emotional connection is all but gone. For the sake of this particular thread, I will be citing 4 different cases of my married friends, of both genders then will also look at some wild-spec instances I picked or learnt from my unmarried friends. These are all real-life scenarios.

Case One:

She was 22 and barely out of school before she got married to her husband. They didn't really know each other that much as a matter of fact but they got married anyway. Her reason was that 'he ticked all of her boxes' (which were basically money, a car and at least a 3 bedroom apartment). Hubby, on her part, decided to marry her because she is fair-skinned, gap-toothed and tall. Their marriage is about 6 years now and they have 3 amazing kids.

The problem?

The 'male spec' isn't strong bedmatically, he cheats (has been caught cheating by dear wife in the past), not exactly the type who communicates and has a traditional mindset. Sex, to him, is 'insert and out', share grace and sleep, and' the concept of intimacy/MouthAction is taboo in his village that if he does it, he might need to appease the gods for dishonouring them'. She has over 15 different ePDFs on ancient Kamasutra and once shared them with me. Heavy, graphic and detailed files. But he isn't interested.

The 'female spec' is indeed a beautiful lady, homely but laced with hot blood. She is wild, adventurous and isn't shy to admit or discuss her fantasies and marital sufferings with her friends, including yours truly. She is the total opposite of the 'male spec' and has or might have been cheating already. The last time she ranted about cheating and getting satisfied was about two years ago. Don't want to go beyond this.

Case 2:

Let's call him Dustin. Dustin met 'his spec' when he travelled for a project to a neighbouring state. Dustin's spec who is now his wife has an interesting appeal. She is effortlessly fair-skinned, natural pink lips, a conversationist, and an emotional being. Dustin would not allow anyone rest about his spec and how he would love and adore her the day he finds her. Practically all the ladies in his life at some point were that way but Seike (not real name) was different. Anyways, they got married and a lazy Dustin who doesn't like house chores other than doing laundry discovered that his spec of a wife doesn't actually know how to cook and doesn't like the kitchen at all. It all started as a joke until their families got involved less than 7 months into the union. Man wasn't having it anymore and wasn't willing to tolerate 'his spec's' shortcomings.

On his part, he has always been a nightcrawler and marriage has not exactly nipped that in the bud. Perhaps the idea of going home to met an empty pot when he knows he can't cook is not really appealing. Sure, he loves her but it is one petty issue or another. They are barely two years in and his great escape means is when he is travelling for projects.

Case 3

Call her MJ, the typical life of the party; lovable and quite open. As an undergraduate, MJ was an exco in her fellowship and was somewhat gentle. She was the tongue-speaking, gun-blazing, fire breathing dragon and must be present in almost all spiritual meetings organized by her fellowship, else, she is backsliding and moving away from God. She isn't actually religious but churchy. In a social gathering, she is the first to request for 'taju-taju' even when she knows there was no provision for alcohol (this is only recent). MJ's definition of spec was the now-famed TDH and boy, she got lucky! Or so we thought. 'Her spec' drips finesse. He is indeed tall, dark and charming. He is a quiet (well, so far though) chap who currently works as a manager in a financial institution and drives a pretty decent car. MJ works as an accountant and isn't bad at all.

'Finesse babyboy', unfortunately, is a cheat. Man can practically adore a woman's shadow just to 'get there'. He is barely home and when he is, always watching football. They don't talk deep anymore. At some point, she caught him cheating was ready to walk away from the marriage but she was talked into staying and that was where things went wrong. Strangely, 'baby boy' wasn't exactly skilled and a churchy MJ never really fancied sex. However, the fact that he isn't skilled in the affairs of the other room didn't deter him from cheating severally.

The problem with the marriage is Ps 123:7 and they have been married for nearly 8 years. Her inability to conceive is actually his fault but the patriarchal society we live in pressured her so much that she broke and started an affair with a chap who is a friend of the family. It all started with counselling, praying together and the rest is history. Sadly, the chap she was seeing happened to have mastered some ancient body exploration that they met almost every three days. It got so bad that she started fertility treatment with the dude. The reward for the chap being around her was gifts, money and of course the free access. She finally loved the act and couldn't get enough until a massive scandal rocked recently and she had to painfully let the guy whom she has been seeing for over 18 months go. Not sure the husband got to know the details but she told him while she wanted them to talk but because his sin were heavy and graver, he couldn't bring himself to have a heart-to-heart with her.

They are currently making conscious efforts to fix their home right now and it's been good so far.

Case 4

It just had to be a pastor's daughter for Cole. He has always been obsessed with them for weird reasons that he didn't take any chances the first time he set his eyes of Thelma. Thelma's father is a Zonal Pastor in one of the popular Pentecostal churches around. Cole is our lead guitarist and a charming young man, though struggling. The day Thelma attended a mass choir rehearsal and played the drums like a pro was the day Cole fell in love. It was her or no one else. Long story short, they are married but living apart. Thelma is in her parents' house while Cole had to temporarily relocate to make more money. His mother in law who came for Omugwo overstayed and ended up spending nearly five months. He couldn't send 'pastor's wife' away as he was scared to incur the wrath of the pastor. Strangely, sweet Thelma is still greatly attached to her mum that it made it difficult. He ran into debts trying to impress Thelma and her pastor father by throwing a big wedding he could not afford. They have 3 kids now but things are not as they ought to. What's worse, he has aged rapidly that he now looks like a shadow of himself.

Budding Case

This is rather interesting than all of the aforementioned cases. James is currently confused and unsure whether to lie to the pastor that he had a dream or not. You see, he has a girl he likes a lot but they don't even know each other that deep, strangely. James has talked to his pastor but he regretted he did as he could not respond to his pastor's only question on what his conviction is that the lady is the right person for him. His response is 'I just know she's the one for me' and nothing more. He has been asked to go and pray and has not seen a thing but he has said he might tell the pastor that he had a dream just so he can be with a fair-skinned, well-endowed lady with some puppy eyes.

My Point

There is a reason why the rate of divorce in Nigeria is high and increasing almost daily. Almost every Nigerian celebrity with a failed marriage always come out to pin it on abuse and other vices when these traits must have been seen at the earliest phase of the relationship and possibly avoided but the 'specs' fried their senses. Everyone, regardless of gender, loves a beautiful/charming person. However, this should serve as the basis for attraction and not marriage proper.

Specs will definitely not keep a relationship, let alone sustain one. As a matter of fact, one stops seeing that spec the moment you get to see the person often.

You can see a pre-wedding photo today and take a wild guess what the attraction was and you'll be right. Strangely, all of the cases I cited had one popular saying; 'he/she has changed is not the person I fell in love with'. Well, true that. you went for the spec and ignored those things that mattered the most. Imagine someone whose specs in ladies is a spotless face. . And then there is the beard gang category which almost every lady falls under.

Are specs actually bad? The obvious answer is 'NO'. However, they shouldn't be the basis for getting married. What happens, when a spotless face becomes riddled with acne? What happens when one of those straight, fine legs get amputated after getting married for just that one reason? What happens when pressures zap your libido and the primary reason you married is for sex?

I am not saying people should end up with the exact opposite of what they have in mind. Rather, they should pay attention to deep traits that will come in handy and possibly sustain the marriage when the time comes.

You read or hear about a particular marital problem and you can't help but wonder what the couple talked about or discussed during dating/courtship. Marriage remains beautiful but most people marry for all the wrong reasons in the world. Specs won't keep a home and it won't make one happy forever. I think it is high time young people really sat down and learn to prioritize what is of benefit to them and their home; specs or peace of mind?

Have you ever read 2 Timothy 3:1-7 ?
If you have, ask yourself which of the vices listed there would ensure a stable home or marriage?

None ! Not even one. .
Na 2 Timothy 3:1-7 you see the root of crises affecting marriages and the larger society.

Case 1: the woman is cheating (listen to Ray Parker Jnr "woman needs love" likewise the man and she won't stop anytime soon until the hubby finds out & can't take it anymore.
I hope it doesn't end in tragedy.

Case 2 She will resort to cheating to fill the gap....
That marriage may not weather another storm brewing in the horizon.

Case 1 & 2, both men are very very selfish & don't seem to be emotionally ready & prepared for marital life but they love the marital status.

Case 3
The man may end up raising other men's kids under his roof if she confirms the man is not forthcoming with Psalms 128:3.. while his family heaps pressure on her to produce "final solution"
Las ,las she may go back to her side attractions.

Case 4
Eye service & mummy's girl are indeed strange bedfellows for stable marital relationship. Na proxy marriage be that, the couple no get say in their home.
Very faulty from the start.

**
Please appeal to your friend, James to retrace his step NOW !
He needs to adjust his expectations realistically.
Else,he will have himself to blame.

*****
These marital crises will escalate because for a start, moral values have been eroded.
The after effects is what we are dealing with, because young people chase shadows and neglect the substance- character , moral values and integrity.
Who will mentor the mentees when their supposed mentors are already damaged goods, mentally and morally bankrupt?


Sanchez01, I commend your insightfulness and I must tell you, maintain your stance and keep up your mindset. You're on track.
Please seek divine guidance (Proverbs3:4-6 & 16:3) and get to know your prospective love interest well enough, before you express any interest in that person.
Shalom.

I see people preaching what they don't practice on this thread