₦airaland Forum

Pecoleee345:
Previous thread https://www.nairaland.com/6653469/another-marriage-crash

So over last weekend.... I called family meeting my mum, elder brother and I went to my wife parents house... her family members were present.

They wanted to resolve things between us but no one gave a Bleep about me....they asked her to speak and she said alot of things both truth and lies.

I was lambasted from both sides and I let them finished properly before dropping the bomb......I looked into her eyes straight up and told her am divorcing you.

They were all stunned.... they were now interested in my side of the story.

I decided not to say anything.....am not the type that bad mouth people to score points or look good (my ex-wife is very good at that)....I just told her family to demand the truth from her.

My advice to young men.

1. Make sure u know the background of the lady u wanna get involved with....the way of life etc.

The mistake I made was not evaluating her background...... We came from completely different backgrounds....eg where she comes from people talking crazy and shouting at one another isn't a big deal but me it was a Taboo infact in my parents' house u can't talk with high tones for normal discussions.

2. See forget love and looks...... Make sure you know the main reason she wants to marry you.

I know she loves me but she had another motive which is am meant to give her everything she wants in Life.... She had that mind set of her responsibilities is totally dependent on me.

She told me she can only spare or borrow me money towards doing anything in the house but it is my duty to provide anything she wants even the riddicules ones.

3. For your peace of mind stay away from most ladies raised by single mothers because most her poison to hate men right from teens by their mother.

They are mostly insecure....they believe all men cheat and can never trust.
Comes with mad jealousy

They mostly have anger issue.... they will tell you I don't take shit... trying to show they are strong and can't take what their mother took despite you not doing any shit.....they want to have say in everything just to show you are equal.

They are always quick to be on the defensive
Just to mention a few

I once told my wife am not like your father when I couldn't take the policing, sneaking and threat anymore.

See as a man no one gives a shit about you..... people are sympathetic towards the female and expect you to take whatever she throws at you but you need your peace of mind.
The society has made it possible for women to get away with lot of things.

If you found a woman you want to marry please put love aside and get to really know her background well......cohabit with her for 6month......lastly even if you don't have money, please borrow and go for comprehensive medical check up with her.... (check your sperm count and the state of her womb) please.

igbosoupkitchen:
What a read dear OP, from the message I sense you are deeply troubled and emotionally too, cant say about other aspects,I extend best wishes to you hoping you recover fully.

I have also tried to bolden some parts of your message that I find interesting, permit me to make some comments too;
- No matter the background search you do, even it you court her for 5 years, trust me , you may never really know it all till you really get married ; I have seen childhood friends who got married and still got divorced, I have seen people who got divorced after courting for 2 months.
The point is, there is not magic rule for marriage, nothing cast in stone; no guidelines-- people stay married because they want to stay and they decide to;; people get divorced because they want to and they decide to (it is that simple).
Love, beauty, money, sex, children are not perfect solutions to a good marriage- cos we have seen people who have it all and yet it crashes.

For me, marriage is about decision, if you dont decide that you have a reason to stay married, then the only option is to decide to leave.

I have also seen a lot of statements that indicate that you 2 were never really bonded , a lot of me, I, she, her--- I dont recall seeing "we", "us" ;
The moment couples can not see themselves as each other, forget it; everyone runs with his/her own priorities ; then the blame game starts, then external family interferences , then finances, then abuses, then bitterness , then we remember how ugly the person is, how tall/short/ sexless/childless, poor , disrespectful, proud etc.. the list is endless until BAMM!! it all crashes.

All I can say to you is rather than dish out opinions on who is to be avoided, married, courted, married etc; take time off and have a self reflection of yourself- the marriage and all that happened; if you have friends that dont think like you and always agree with you try and get a honest evaluation of yourself from them, and maybe share the truth about what really happened, maybe u can get fresh perspectives.
The worst mistake you can make now is to jump into another relationship, trust me, u will be back to square 1.
I have seen childless couples who are still married, I have seen a family where only 1 person provides and they are still married--- etc...

Above all, in this part of the world, we have so much expectation of other people in marriages, but not many of us truly know what is expected of us and fulfils it-- hence it is very easy to pass the buck.... Nothing in life comes easy, it is how you DECIDE to take it.

Dont forget to find God as you seek solution to this pain, just open up to him and ask for direction, he always has answers that we dont have ,even if he sometimes gives it to us in the way we do not expect, but he always has all the answers.

All the best and like I always say, all will be well ...

NoToPile:
But the woman's role has always been 'just caregivers' from time. I find it funny that peeps have always downplayed this role and its evident in your statement 'just caregivers' WRONG! My choice of words wasn't intended to demean or belittle their roles. Replace 'just' with 'solely' and & you'll have what I mean in its real context. It's just semantics.

Oya guys should provide and lead the home. Na today we don dey do am?!

How many men can even comfortably provide for their homes? Be honest Which is why responsibilities should be split! GENDER EQUALITY SHOULD TRANSLATE TO EQUAL RESPONBILITIES TOO but apparently, they have a whole lot of problems with the latter! . Even from posts on this thread you have your answer, lots of them can't or won't. Delusions! How many homes are even SOLELY RUN FINANCIALLY BY FEMALES compared with the percentage of homes solely financed by the husbands?

Lollittaa:
Did you enter "the place" only to discover that someone has been there before you?

bisqit:
what happened to submit before complain

b3llo:
I like your closing remark "Run a background check on the woman you want to marry."



Avoid women raised by single mums like fire...

Pecoleee345:
Previous thread https://www.nairaland.com/6653469/another-marriage-crash

So over last weekend.... I called family meeting my mum, elder brother and I went to my wife parents house... her family members were present.

They wanted to resolve things between us but no one gave a Bleep about me....they asked her to speak and she said alot of things both truth and lies.

I was lambasted from both sides and I let them finished properly before dropping the bomb......I looked into her eyes straight up and told her am divorcing you.

They were all stunned.... they were now interested in my side of the story.

I decided not to say anything.....am not the type that bad mouth people to score points or look good (my ex-wife is very good at that)....I just told her family to demand the truth from her.

My advice to young men.

1. Make sure u know the background of the lady u wanna get involved with....the way of life etc.

The mistake I made was not evaluating her background...... We came from completely different backgrounds....eg where she comes from people talking crazy and shouting at one another isn't a big deal but me it was a Taboo infact in my parents' house u can't talk with high tones for normal discussions.

2. See forget love and looks...... Make sure you know the main reason she wants to marry you.

I know she loves me but she had another motive which is am meant to give her everything she wants in Life.... She had that mind set of her responsibilities is totally dependent on me.

She told me she can only spare or borrow me money towards doing anything in the house but it is my duty to provide anything she wants even the riddicules ones.

3. For your peace of mind stay away from most ladies raised by single mothers because most her poison to hate men right from teens by their mother.

They are mostly insecure....they believe all men cheat and can never trust.
Comes with mad jealousy

They mostly have anger issue.... they will tell you I don't take shit... trying to show they are strong and can't take what their mother took despite you not doing any shit.....they want to have say in everything just to show you are equal.

They are always quick to be on the defensive
Just to mention a few

I once told my wife am not like your father when I couldn't take the policing, sneaking and threat anymore.

See as a man no one gives a shit about you..... people are sympathetic towards the female and expect you to take whatever she throws at you but you need your peace of mind.
The society has made it possible for women to get away with lot of things.

If you found a woman you want to marry please put love aside and get to really know her background well......cohabit with her for 6month......lastly even if you don't have money, please borrow and go for comprehensive medical check up with her.... (check your sperm count and the state of her womb) please.

ObaKlaz:
' WRONG! My choice of words wasn't intended to demean or belittle their roles. Replace 'just' with 'solely' and & you'll have what I mean in its real context. It's just semantics.

Na today we don dey do am?!

Which is why responsibilities should be split! GENDER EQUALITY SHOULD TRANSLATE TO EQUAL RESPONBILITIES TOO but apparently, they have a whole lot of problems with the latter! .

How many homes are even SOLELY RUN FINANCIALLY BY FEMALES compared with the percentage of homes solely financed by the husbands?

Nancee4love:
May God deliver my brothers from ur type
Ur mindset is disgusting very bad a d crude, you are not matured for marriage and a disaster to any man who gets engaged to u with this kind of mindset
Better Don't marry please before you jeopardize the life of another man's son
What is marriage? Covenant partnership. A Partner is a supporter in their partnership, they may not have equal share but each partner had a share of responsibility to the agreement of partnership. Guyz run from a lady who does not see marriage from the angle and perspective of partnership that lady is not your wife. A woman who truly loves you supports you. My dad went dead broke and it was my mum who helped raised him back to life with no insult but still gave him his maximum respect during the darkest moment of his life, she made home comfortable and marriage easy for him till he bounced back. My father is late but all his properties after he bounced back was willed to my mum and us the children.
Goossh you are a disgrace to us women responsible women. Please go fix yourself before marriage. Guyz shine your eyes please we still have good women or ladies out their. I will never marry a man I can't support. It's not about it's my choice to support him or not it's my responsibility to support him. 2 have become one. You see this kind of mindset this lady has is toxic. As an adult do u know it's your responsibility to take care of yourself, keep waiting for a man to do that. May God not allow my brothers to encounter ur type.
Op pick up urself and move you met and plunged the wrong flower.

djon78:
But in marriage
The man is the captain

The main issue is that many ladies no dey gree nowadays
And men too are becoming much hardened

So the marriage don already get k leg

Afodot0022:
Hmmm am just speechless with OP experience. Seems like we both are going through the same issues mentioned by you. Infact it looks like your wife is related to my own wife in some certain ways cos she exhibit same trait your wife display. You have said all and a word is enough for the wise. Single guys should open their eyes and pray real hard before settling down with any lady expecially those that were raised by single ladies and those that came out of polygamous home. They are really toxic and unbearable. My wife mom abandone them to their father when they were young and it was their step mom that raised them. The father had many wives and also her mum married multiple husband before she married their father and still left him to marry another again. So you can imagine how messed up their background was. I knew all this when i was still dating her but let me say i was carried away with love or probably lust and didnt make me consider those things.
The issue am facing now with my woman, when i maried her, i only did traditional marriage and didnt do any registry. After the traditional, madam show me hell o that i was even looking for a way out cos of peace of mind. Now after some years, my father inlaw just called me recently that we should go and do our registry which is court wedding. He mentioned that he gave me a week to get this done and if i dont have enough funds , he is willing to assist financially. Now my question is with the way my wife has behave in the past, should i still go ahead and do the court wedding now after 5 years we did our traditional. Pls i need answers and advice from matured married men out there cos if left to me, i am not doing any court wedding cos the way i look at it, i dont think our marriage will last with the way my wife had behaved. If its you, will you proceed to do the court marriage.

Rozcol:
Please let us hear word and for your information she's right about that number 2,in marriage a man should provide everything and its solely depend on your wife's decision to assist you or not,its not a mandatory task.Women are care givers and not providers, you can't expect a woman to provide and still respect you it usually don't happen that way.She's not here to say her own side so nobody has the right to condemn her yet. No be Nigerian men again mtchewww

Maobichek:
Noooo!!! What about the men who gets these girls pregnant?

A man told me that he can't use condom no matter what and you may be surprise that many guys detaste condom.

Pecoleee345:
Previous thread https://www.nairaland.com/6653469/another-marriage-crash

So over last weekend.... I called family meeting my mum, elder brother and I went to my wife parents house... her family members were present.

They wanted to resolve things between us but no one gave a Bleep about me....they asked her to speak and she said alot of things both truth and lies.

I was lambasted from both sides and I let them finished properly before dropping the bomb......I looked into her eyes straight up and told her am divorcing you.

They were all stunned.... they were now interested in my side of the story.

I decided not to say anything.....am not the type that bad mouth people to score points or look good (my ex-wife is very good at that)....I just told her family to demand the truth from her.

My advice to young men.

1. Make sure u know the background of the lady u wanna get involved with....the way of life etc.

The mistake I made was not evaluating her background...... We came from completely different backgrounds....eg where she comes from people talking crazy and shouting at one another isn't a big deal but me it was a Taboo infact in my parents' house u can't talk with high tones for normal discussions.

2. See forget love and looks...... Make sure you know the main reason she wants to marry you.

I know she loves me but she had another motive which is am meant to give her everything she wants in Life.... She had that mind set of her responsibilities is totally dependent on me.

She told me she can only spare or borrow me money towards doing anything in the house but it is my duty to provide anything she wants even the riddicules ones.

3. For your peace of mind stay away from most ladies raised by single mothers because most her poison to hate men right from teens by their mother.

They are mostly insecure....they believe all men cheat and can never trust.
Comes with mad jealousy

They mostly have anger issue.... they will tell you I don't take shit... trying to show they are strong and can't take what their mother took despite you not doing any shit.....they want to have say in everything just to show you are equal.

They are always quick to be on the defensive
Just to mention a few

I once told my wife am not like your father when I couldn't take the policing, sneaking and threat anymore.

See as a man no one gives a shit about you..... people are sympathetic towards the female and expect you to take whatever she throws at you but you need your peace of mind.
The society has made it possible for women to get away with lot of things.

If you found a woman you want to marry please put love aside and get to really know her background well......cohabit with her for 6month......lastly even if you don't have money, please borrow and go for comprehensive medical check up with her.... (check your sperm count and the state of her womb) please.

FLYFIRE:
My dear, when people talk they talk as if it will be greener on the other side but wont seek God`s face to please Him from inception. What people sometimes don`t know is that God will use our situation to help us better live for Him. HOW MUCH DO WE SUBMIT TO GOD before getting ANGRY that our spouse or even children don`t submit to us? When situations like this come, let us go to God & say...search me, help me & let us deal with our spouse the way we would like others to deal with our sister, daughter, brother or son. God will help us all

lordally:
My friend's elder brother left a Cool headed and respectful business woman he was dating saying he needs to marry a professional by the way , he's a doctor working at UCTH he ended up marrying a Doctor too! That is one of the greatest mistake he made in his life and he's deeply regretting it. The woman does nothing in the house! Even to cook na Wahala to even sweep na Wahala, plates go dey sink for 2 days. The woman's mum came for Omugwo and does absolutely nothing in the house. In the morning the wife go carry phone dey press the mama go dey follow the wife gist na this man go wake up to go cook. The wife has no atom of respect for the man! The man's mum too came for Omugwo this woman doesn't even care if she eats or not. But the woman would bath the baby , cook etc. Make I just stop here. See bro take your eyes away from Profession. Doctor , lawyer engineer , SSCE holder all na bullshit! You're not marrying the profession na the woman you dey marry! See let me tell you , a stack illiterate and a PHD holder all give the same wahala! Just go for one that gives peace of mind and sees her Helping you all round as her responsibility.

Ladymillion:
What about the men raised by single mothers? Ladies should avoid them too? Asking for my neighbour in Bradford

ubola:
A very impatient man you are. This is a confirmation. My wife of 12years today was worst. I never raised a finger nor voice. You don't go arguing with emotional beings cuz they'll beat you to it. You are toxic to come to public forum to tell us how she committed abortion and have a weak womb, cos she told you about it. I'll still advice that you get matured be getting the next wife, else it won't get better.

Pecoleee345:
Previous thread https://www.nairaland.com/6653469/another-marriage-crash

So over last weekend.... I called family meeting my mum, elder brother and I went to my wife parents house... her family members were present.

They wanted to resolve things between us but no one gave a Bleep about me....they asked her to speak and she said alot of things both truth and lies.

I was lambasted from both sides and I let them finished properly before dropping the bomb......I looked into her eyes straight up and told her am divorcing you.

They were all stunned.... they were now interested in my side of the story.

I decided not to say anything.....am not the type that bad mouth people to score points or look good (my ex-wife is very good at that)....I just told her family to demand the truth from her.

My advice to young men.

1. Make sure u know the background of the lady u wanna get involved with....the way of life etc.

The mistake I made was not evaluating her background...... We came from completely different backgrounds....eg where she comes from people talking crazy and shouting at one another isn't a big deal but me it was a Taboo infact in my parents' house u can't talk with high tones for normal discussions.

2. See forget love and looks...... Make sure you know the main reason she wants to marry you.

I know she loves me but she had another motive which is am meant to give her everything she wants in Life.... She had that mind set of her responsibilities is totally dependent on me.

She told me she can only spare or borrow me money towards doing anything in the house but it is my duty to provide anything she wants even the riddicules ones.

3. For your peace of mind stay away from most ladies raised by single mothers because most her poison to hate men right from teens by their mother.

They are mostly insecure....they believe all men cheat and can never trust.
Comes with mad jealousy

They mostly have anger issue.... they will tell you I don't take shit... trying to show they are strong and can't take what their mother took despite you not doing any shit.....they want to have say in everything just to show you are equal.

They are always quick to be on the defensive
Just to mention a few

I once told my wife am not like your father when I couldn't take the policing, sneaking and threat anymore.

See as a man no one gives a shit about you..... people are sympathetic towards the female and expect you to take whatever she throws at you but you need your peace of mind.
The society has made it possible for women to get away with lot of things.

If you found a woman you want to marry please put love aside and get to really know her background well......cohabit with her for 6month......lastly even if you don't have money, please borrow and go for comprehensive medical check up with her.... (check your sperm count and the state of her womb) please.

JustcallmeFavou:
So sorry about what you went through in your marriage. But what's with the generalization that women raised by single mothers are bad and bitter?

There are men and women who are raised by both parents that are so crazy, irresponsible, and wicked. Whether a man or a woman is raised by a single mother or not. Pray for a partner that is yours, that's what I will always say.

And also, in the dating or courting stage;

1. Check if your partner listens to you when you talk or give them advice.

2. Check if he/she is ready to change or adjust to things or habits about them you don't like, and can you willingly do the same for them as well?

3. Check if they are generous, and supportive towards you no matter how little.

4. Check if there is an iota of the fear of God still left in them.

5. Check if they are promiscuous in nature.

6. Check if they can at least talk to you about like 80% of their personal plans ie if they can't tell you everything yet.

7. Check if when he/she is angry, can you pacify them, or are they revengeful or don't forgive at all.

8. Is he/she so proud or humble, kind, and a nice human?

9. Check if he/she easily apologizes when they wrong you without always trying to play the manipulative card? And can you easily do the same as well when you offend your partner?

10. Check if he/she is mentally, and psychologically mature. Or are they still babies in their early, mid, or late 20's, 30's..... ??

11. Check if he/she is accommodating, and friendly to your friends and family members, or do they have one complaint or another with almost everyone in your life?

12. What are their reactions whenever you extend a kind gesture to your family members or to others? Do they encourage you to do more, or do they frown or complain bitterly?

13. Lastly, go down on your knees and pray to God to reveal the true nature of your partner to you. This way, no matter how he/she wants to pretend to you God sees the unknown, and He will reveal their true nature to you.

I believe, if one can easily get answers to the above, then it's a step to know if he/she is who you want to settle down with or not.

May God help us all, amen!

ubola:
A very impatient man you are. This is a confirmation. My wife of 12years today was worst. I never raised a finger nor voice. You don't go arguing with emotional beings cuz they'll beat you to it. You are toxic to come to public forum to tell us how she committed abortion and have a weak womb, cos she told you about it. I'll still advice that you get matured be getting the next wife, else it won't get better.

ford101:
how old are you? If you are up to 18yrs and your mother slapped you like you said,then that's what we are talking about.