₦airaland Forum

siofra:
Tufiakwa!! I pity your wife.

You say TUFIAKWA to my write-up because you got an undiluted message.
U got the message you never envisaged.
You Feel terrible now because you want to get permanent employment through marriage.
It's shocking how MEN have woken up.
You, Better wake up too.
That you are married as a Lady is entirely different from staying married b'cos you can be sent back 4 retraining. Things are not rosy again.
Learn to increase GDP as a woman and not just consumption.

ityP:
There should be a law in naija to mitigate this. Why will someone carry a boy or a girl to be house help? And from what you said, the boy or girl no go dey go school? Chai. If my wife even thinks of this, she go hear am. If we must have a help, it must be someone who is through with school or a matured woman

Whichever way...School closes before work..Some dismisses by 1:30 while some ends after lesson around 3pm. Going to school does not mean the person won't do some domestic work after school or lesson..

Kobojunkie:
Have you considered sending your kids away to your parents or hers so you two can talk adult to adult about things?

Her objection to the hiring of a maid, her church schedule...something is hidden that needs to be revealed..

See ehn, na Now you start to dey make sense cos, I don read everything you tok before and make I no lie I vomit!

bentuzene:
See ehn, na Now you start to dey make sense cos, I don read everything you tok before and make I no lie I vomit!

Well, that it took you this long to figure out that something does not add up about the OP's story means you are probably finally on the right track on this story yourself.

Kobojunkie:
Well, that it took you this long to figure out that something does not add up about the OP's story means you are probably finally on the right track on this story yourself.

Nah I feel he's being quite straightforward tho!

bentuzene:
Nah I feel he's being quite straightforward tho!

Ok. You are free to think as you want.

AnonymousBabaa:
Op,Firstly I need to commend you for taking your time to share your story on this platform. Secondly,I really feel sorry for you ! I hardly comment on this platform but some comments (both good and bad) from some readers made me.

I'm so touched by your story,I could feel you deeply, I could even feel things you couldn't mention,I even felt some happenings right before you later mention them on another page. I have read all the pages of the comments written by everyone,i learned one or two things from the commentators even though I already knew the best solution to your issue.

I appreciate your temperament all though,it says one or few things about you psychologically.
I'm a happily married man,blessed with 3 grown-up kids,living in my own house (not an average Duplex house).

Op and other readers should be wary of comments from @Kobojunkie,@gayman99,@Amanda4life,@EJEHSON and their likes ! Something is not right about them,if you were to know them well enough,then you will know they are not living right,they are with their own issues,issues greater than yours !

And Kudos to good minded commentators,enough of them,I will like to mention @Somblaq ,@SimplyFacts,@ityP,@generalwo,@grandlexuz,@Angeldemon,@mazizitonene ,they have got the brains and the good minds needed to render a healthy advice.
Also,@tempex88 made a good point when he said "I experienced something similar but didn't get that complex ''. Indeed yours is complex simply because you didn't act like a real man and because you didn't act timely ! These are two different things !! And it is now even beyond professional counseling and all that,because you have been there and it didn't work. It is just too late right now. The writing is on the wall,so open your mind to the reality and the eventuality !

@pappilo also made a sensible point when he said "Your children will be perfectly fine. I held on too long to something that was finished for the sake of my children but it eventually fell apart at great financial, emotional and liberty cost." Indeed eventually down the line,that's what will eventually happen to you,whether you want it or not. Or in a worse scenario,it could be worse,I pray it doesn't lead to an early grave. AMEN !

I think you have lost the battle,hence quit the toxic marriage,because there are already many red flags coming from your wife. I would have loved to mention them all here right now,but i cant due to my time. By and large,to me,she is no longer your wife,she is already a stranger,you don't even know her again,if you think you still know her,then you are lying to yourself,deceiving yourself.

I think you didn't act like a real man while she began growing wings,you really condoned her lapses and excuses,and this brought you to this present stage.
If you were my friend,my brother,a friend's friend,or even a strange,based on your narrative and base on how i have been able to connect with you psychologically and spiritually,there is only one solution,the hard way the only way,Let her go off the hook because she is already a "goner" ! Open your mind,open your eyes,there are so many red flags you are not paying attention to ! I pray it doesn't cost you your life,I really pray !
I sent a nairaland email message request to you but you are yet to acknowledge it.
I wish I could have a private talk with you.

Will check my mail am just heart broken dat I can't even work or check mail again dat how bad it is
But will check

Kestolove:
Divorce and marry another, responsible girls full area no husband

Another responsible girl cannot be guaranteed. History has it that first wife is always better than any other wife.

@Op, endure please. Very soon your children will be helping you. In future the children will pay their mother in her own coin

neonly:
Will check my mail am just heart broken dat I can't even work or check mail again dat how bad it is
But will check

Okay. Its gonna be well with you.

neonly:
All she is interested now is her own career
What my fate when I grow old
Is this not a red flag for me
What will be the fate of my wonderful innocent children how will they feel not growing up with their mother and father together all these are pounding in my head
the issues are too much I can't type it all am really depressed but sha life goes on
But my children what will be their fate

The truth is always bitter, the truth is marriage should be enjoyed and not to be endured. How many years are we going to live and if you didn’t catch your cruise by doing what will give you joy when will you have your joy to the full. Time is a healer but let me not lie to you, only age that will humble her by then you aint gonna be catching your cruise.
*ADVISED*
Get a time by weekend, clean the house, living room, kitchen and tidy everywhere. Walk up to her and called her by the special name you use to call her and ask her what she will love to eat. Prepare it and set the table. After the meal be sure she is in a good mood then seat her down. No fighting no hash voice just be you on self-control. Ask her where you have gotten it all wrong. Speak the language of the heart.
*CONCLUSION*
Her stance on resolving or putting blames without resolution on the burden of her heart determined your final decision. Don’t stay and be emotionally sick. This is a one-way traffic. Let it work or it end and move on.
Does your wife earn more than you? Stop borrowing money from her and pay the house bills assuming she didn’t earn a penny.
In conclusion pls be sure blames are not from you, and if you are doing things that are wrong even in the hidden, pls STOP IT

upuphim:
Another responsible girl cannot be guaranteed. History has it that first wife is always better than any other wife.

@Op, endure please. Very soon your children will be helping you. In future the children will pay their mother in her own coin

Bad advice!

Kestolove:
Divorce and marry another, responsible girls full area no husband

U be mumu

Sonnobax15:

Na wa oh......May thunder never forget to fire anybody wey say marriage institution no hard pass normal higher institution

Op,calm down first....In fact take a chili pill . It's definitely gonna be alright.......

Sometimes when I come across stories like this,I begin to wonder what really compels people to change after getting so close to each other...... People who are supposed to be the better halves of each other now becoming a bone in one partner's throat....No be so e suppose be na

Op,be a gentle man....Call her and sit her down.....Na you be the chairman of that family . No dey mumu around simply because say your Banny get better hustling ground pass you . Ginger up,be a man here bro . Clear her all her fvck up and if she try jump jump ,make sure say you treat her fvck up accordingly

lol , you people always think the sun revolves around you ! Does this woman sound like someone who you can " treat her fvck up " - becos women generally allow you to display your ego , you think a man should be able to run over a woman as he likes ? Lol . Experience will teach you better.
Women nowadays will clear your eyes for you .

okoroemeka:
when I told my father that I want to marry,he laughed and sat me down and asked me if I have seen him and my mother fight,I said no,he asked again if I have ever seen people come to settle dispute for them,I said no,he told me so long I have decided to get married I will be responsible for whatever happens,that I will never call him if we have problems obviously he will not come ,that it is me that will settle the dispute, asking strangers on nnairaland what you will do in your marriage is wrong,take the bull by the horns,talk to your wife,allow her to vent her anger so you might understand what went wrong,she is a woman,you can easily control her if you know how.

looool ! you can easily control her becos she no get brain , abi ?

Kobojunkie:

So, you want to ruin your 15-year old marriage for the sake of your ego?
■ You go to market
■ Cook
■ clean the house
■ wash the children uniform
....
So you do these things in your own home and you expect what, a medal? The person that used to do them before, I am guessing your wife, she no be human being like you?

So your wife is interested in her career, and you are what? Against your "friend" doing well in her career or what? And let me guess, communication has degraded between you two and probably between your egos are butting heads at this point and rather than working on that, you are instead thinking of ways to end your relationship?

Look, no two marriages are created the same and no two individuals in a marriage are exact copies of themselves. You and your wife are meant to design your own marriage in a way that works for you, not go around comparing yourselves to others out there.
Die to your ego if you must and learn to grow rather than destroy your marriage over petty things such as what you listed here.

this is what women do for MEN all the time- without complaining .

TWLifestyle:
lol , you people always think the sun revolves around you ! Does this woman sound like someone who you can " treat her fvck up " - becos women generally allow you to display your ego , you think a man should be able to run over a woman as he likes ? Lol . Experience will teach you better.
Women nowadays will clear your eyes for you .

You again

I am very sure you are not as tough in real life sha. More like an online keyboard warrior

siofra:
Na mumu dey marry.

eh e

Are you serious?

Gaddafih001:
I have been married for 10 years and will be divorced by this weekend.
My mother Inlaw is the one trying to decide my fate in this marriage.
My wife goes out by 5:30 daily and comes home by 9:00pm.
What the kids eat or wears is not her concern.
I have tried to shout and beat her but she wan use dagger kill me.
I reported to the mum and she’s threatening my life.
I was sick for 8 months and she never gave me water to drink,gave me food nor even said sorry.
She was busy telling people that she’s waiting for me to die so she can wear white and move on.
She no send me.
For me,it’s better I stay far and be looking at her than to die in silence because I don’t want people to know I am having problem.
I can shout it anywhere say my madam wan kpai me ooooo.
Women no dey see your face.
Know this and know peace.
You might not survive the next 5 years.
Discharge her and build up yourself again.
You only have your life to save.

& u are still living with her up till now?
Bros u get mind!

neonly:
Am not good writer please trying to make it short

Everything just falling apart in my house
Sometimes I hear some folks saying I will tolerate rubbish in marriage but honestly it easier say than done if it actually happen to you
Where did I get it wrong sef
We use to be good friends before church matter enter
Now she does nothing in the house
I go to work come back to go to market and cook clean the house wash the children uniforms for the younger ones

All she is interested now is her own career
What my fate when I grow old
Is this not a red flag for me
What will be the fate of my wonderful innocent children how will they feel not growing up with their mother and father together all these are pounding in my head
the issues are too much I can't type it all am really depressed but sha life goes on
But my children what will be their fate

Was she like that before?

You have hurt that woman....women are emotional and when you hurt them they take it, take it , take it - till it is full then the love chain cuts and you stop mattering to them.

They no longer give a damn. When a woman is fed up...? there is nothing you can do about it!

So sorry for your pain Poster. Marriage counselling/therapy and deep felt apology with gifts so you can begin to delete the hurt little by little till her heart heals and nurtures you again

overseasnbeyond:
[b]What type of career?
How many years you've been washing dishes and going to the market?
no referee change the rule of the game halftime.
alternative is to continue washing all whatever because [i]no be today it starts[/i] [[/b]quote author=neonly post=106214002]Am not good writer please trying to make it short

Everything just falling apart in my house
Sometimes I hear some folks saying I will tolerate rubbish in marriage but honestly it easier say than done if it actually happen to you
Where did I get it wrong sef
We use to be good friends before church matter enter
Now she does nothing in the house
I go to work come back to go to market and cook clean the house wash the children uniforms for the younger ones

All she is interested now is her own career
What my fate when I grow old
Is this not a red flag for me
What will be the fate of my wonderful innocent children how will they feel not growing up with their mother and father together all these are pounding in my head
the issues are too much I can't type it all am really depressed but sha life goes on
But my children what will be their fate

If she is sooooo focussed on her career... it is possible that her career is her husband.

Do you give her allowance?

Do you pay all the bills?

You cannot be doing the above and be cooking, cleaning and washing .....ko possible

but if you are not financially taking care of your home then her career is her hubby and she gotta be devoted to it.

NONYMOUSBABA IS A BIG FOOL.

HE IS A BLOODY LIAR THAT HATES TRUTH.
CHILD OF DARKNESS

neonly:
Will check my mail am just heart broken dat I can't even work or check mail again dat how bad it is
But will check

ANONYMOUS BABAA IS A BIG FOOL.
WHO HATES TRUTH.

PLEASE TELL HIM TO QUOTE ME DIRECTLY.

PLEASE TELL HIM HE NEEDS DNA TEST ON HIMSELF

Type it so we your ancestor can give u advice .

neonly:
Am not good writer please trying to make it short

Everything just falling apart in my house
Sometimes I hear some folks saying I will tolerate rubbish in marriage but honestly it easier say than done if it actually happen to you
Where did I get it wrong sef
We use to be good friends before church matter enter
Now she does nothing in the house
I go to work come back to go to market and cook clean the house wash the children uniforms for the younger ones

All she is interested now is her own career
What my fate when I grow old
Is this not a red flag for me
What will be the fate of my wonderful innocent children how will they feel not growing up with their mother and father together all these are pounding in my head
the issues are too much I can't type it all am really depressed but sha life goes on
But my children what will be their fate

[They are the same... try it quotes author=Kestolove post=106214191]Divorce and marry another, responsible girls full area no husband[/quote]

Amanda4life:
ANONYMOUS BABAA IS A BIG FOOL.
WHO HATES TRUTH.

PLEASE TELL HIM TO QUOTE ME DIRECTLY.

PLEASE TELL HIM HE NEEDS DNA TEST ON HIMSELF

It OK pls all Na fiction
Everyone with der own ideology

My grandpa use to tell me , FREELANE IF YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE MARRY ONE WIFE BUT IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF MARRY TWO WIVES .BRO MARRY SECOND WIFE
Cc Drfifa , stondlx

neonly:
Am not good writer please trying to make it short

Everything just falling apart in my house
Sometimes I hear some folks saying I will tolerate rubbish in marriage but honestly it easier say than done if it actually happen to you
Where did I get it wrong sef
We use to be good friends before church matter enter
Now she does nothing in the house
I go to work come back to go to market and cook clean the house wash the children uniforms for the younger ones

All she is interested now is her own career
What my fate when I grow old
Is this not a red flag for me
What will be the fate of my wonderful innocent children how will they feel not growing up with their mother and father together all these are pounding in my head
the issues are too much I can't type it all am really depressed but sha life goes on
But my children what will be their fate

PeaceJoyLove:

I quite understand this was the home you came from. You father is/was the "alpha and the omega". Hahaha. Fortunately for him, the society suppressed your mother, and she was over used. No wahala. The same mentality, you have. Do not worry.

Unfortunately for you now, women have woken up. Oga, congrats. Please, do not change. I need you do exactly like your papa. Continue. And be the "Lord Luggard" of your house...and say...oh well, she can bring advice too. Lol. I have nothing to say to you.

One thing I am sure of. You will spend your old age alone. Take it. You will definitely be a lonely man. Dont worry. Continue. And let me tell you another issue...you will definitely have children with many women. You will be FFK. You see how that man is living a reckless life? A man who should concentrate on his first set of daughters and be their rock is busy holding fixing to a set of triplets diapers. Lol. That is exactly how your life will soon be. Dont worry.

Continue. Be the alpha and the omega of your home. And keep saying it that it is the way God made it. Na the woman who sees you and didnt notice it go suffer am. But mark my words, you will pay times 10.

Now , let us talk about the way God made it in the garden of Eden. God is not wicked. He gave them food in the garden. He did not give the woman a work. Just to comfort the man. It is not good for a man to be alone is what the Bible says. She is a companion first before being a helper. The woman no dey wash clothes in the garden. Abi she dey wash? The woman no dey hustle round hine things. In fact, Adam was taking care of the home, and the business. God did not give Eve a job to do. He gave it to Adam. And God did not say Eve should be a dummie to Adam. Cos if she was a dummie, she wouldn't talk to the serpent. She made decision also. So, oga, you can see that God's way was freedom. He didn't say the man is alpha and the omega. I dont know where you saw that in your Bible. But you guys twisted the Bible. And I dont blame you. You saw it in your papa, and you automatically think it is the right way. This is exactly your father. I think you need to visit a psychiatric to help you.

Goodluck!

The insult is unnecessary, the husband is the head of the woman, just like Christ is the head of the church. There can't be two heads, anything that has two heads is a monster. Anyone that wants peace and progress in his or her home would follow God's rule. That a man is the head doesn't mean you treat your wife badly, you love and treat her fairly. It is well.

Kobojunkie:
The claim in bold is the result of a curse God placed on marriage - Genesis 3 vs 16 - a curse, which Jesus Christ came to redeem all of those who chose to submit to Him from.

So if you are still bowing to that curse instead of to Jesus Christ, the one who God who redeem you from the curse, then you should look inwards to what is wrong with you.

Don't misquote the Bible. Jesus gave us an example of a Christian model house.

Ephesians 5:20-33
[20]Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;
[21]Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
[22]Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
[23]For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
[24]Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
[25]Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
[26]That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
[27]That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
[28]So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
[29]For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
[30]For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
[31]For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
[32]This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
[33]Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

bjcole:
The insult is unnecessary, the husband is the head of the woman, just like Christ is the head of the church. There can't be two heads, anything that has two heads is a monster. Anyone that wants peace and progress in his or her home would follow God's rule. That a man is the head doesn't mean you treat your wife badly, you love and treat her fairly. It is well.

Go and learn Leadership. The moment the so called head starts laying emphasis on position, that's it. Genesis says God himself told the man that the woman is his helper. Did God tell you there anyone is the head. That's the real way God wants it. So who actually told you the man is the head? There can be head, but the head does not mean anytning. Bro, get that to your head. The head is the servant. This is he point Christ was making. Take the pain of your wife the way Christ took the church's pain. But you want to cross your legs drinking red wine while watching TV, mainwhile she struggles in the kitchen with the food you will eat. At the same time you tell her she needs to contribute money 50-50 oo. The head must first be the servant. Where is that part? And since the head must first be the servant, why dont you call yourself a servant first? Hyprocrite. You need to be insulted more. Get the crap outta my mention. Carry you headship away from my mention. Coward!

There cant be two heads, likewise there shouldn't be two servants. As you beat your chest as the head, make sure you play the servant hood role too. Get into the kitchen and support. That's what servants do for their female masters. Get the children to school, change their pampers, let your wife rest. Dont use her like a rag. In fact, hustle and hustle....if possible let her stay home and give her the best treatment. Na your own selfishness you run after first cos you have paid huge sum of money as bride price. Who asked you to buy a wife with such a large sum of money? You better get your priorities right so you dont sink. Later you start crying like a xmas goat. Head indeed! Hustle well, she will honor you. No need to remind her who is the head. Just hustle. Your hear...hustle well. Let your output show you are the head, and she will recognize it. But dont hustle, she will knock that your coconut head and you will be trashed among your colleagues. No go hustle, dey shout you be the head. See eh. Shame go master friendship with you.

bjcole:
Don't misquote the Bible. Jesus gave us an example of a Christian model house.

Ephesians 5:20-33
[20]Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;
[21]Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
[22]Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
[23]For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
[24]Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.
[25]Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
[26]That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
[27]That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
[28]So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
[29]For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
[30]For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
[31]For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
[32]This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
[33]Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

Jesus Christ has nothing to do with what is written there in the letter to the Ephesians since the very message is not of Him as it contradicts His very teaching, and Law as given by Him in the 4 Gospels - the Gospel of the Kingdom of God.

bjcole:
The insult is unnecessary, the husband is the head of the woman, just like Christ is the head of the church. There can't be two heads, anything that has two heads is a monster. Anyone that wants peace and progress in his or her home would follow God's rule. That a man is the head doesn't mean you treat your wife badly, you love and treat her fairly. It is well.

What you call leadership is a curse placed on Marriage by God in Genesis 3 vs 16 because of the sin of man. That so-called "leadership" is what Jesus Christ came to redeem man and woman from and this He did when He declared Himselr the only leader over every man and woman who belong to Him.

So His followers are those who no longer submit to the curse... since the curse guarantees that those who live under it will never enter into the presence of God and Heaven.

DigitB:
U be mumu

He gave his own advise, you too give your own!