Hello guys, this is a very strong decision I want to make, I need your help to make this decision or not to. I am thinking of cutting my parents off because they have caused me enormous financial setback as a result of the bad decisions my father made. Firstly, I will like to give you a background of the story.

I come from a family of 4 and I am the first child of my parents. My dad is a retired federal government worker, he worked for many eyes as a school cert holder (so obviously, he didn’t hold very top position until he retired, probably the max in reached was level 8 or 9). He trained me through the university and he retired during my NYSC, at this point one of my brothers was in the university (he never graduated because he was nonchalant), my 3rd brother was a jambite and the last born was in primary school. The Jambite graduated this year and the last born is now a jambite.

In 2013, my dad retired and received gratuity worth several millions. My mom tried persuading him to build a house in the village because we are Igbos but Based in ogun state but my dad refused and insisted that he was going to develop his land in ogun state by building a 4 flats building (up stairs) then start business with the remaining money in Ogun state (apparently, he got the revelation from church to do that), he never completed the house. My dad is very religious until date, so out of the money he paid tithe, bought instruments for church and made some donations. Immediately I finished serving, I got a job with a pharmaceutical company as a medical sales representative. I was receiving a salary of 80k with commission. Things started great. I served some money I joined my dad in some of his fish farm business, I was in Enugu while he was doing the farm business in ogun state. When it was time to harvest the fish, I was told stories about theft, I spent 700k on the business but was able to recover 200k because I had to help him offset some debt.

To cut the long story short, my dad started having serious financial issues, couldn’t pay school fees of my last born in school, had several debts just about 2years after collecting millions as gratuity due to his wrong choice of investment. Ofcourse the financial burden transcended to me, until a point that my dad got into trouble from another debt, he spent church harvest savings that he was suppose to remit. I was paying my brothers school fees worth 150k per term, i had to take money from company’s account to help him offset the debt hoping that he would pay up and I will pay some before company finds out. The whole financial burden was so huge for a starter like me, owing to the fact that I lost all my savings to the fish farming business and I also had to pay house rents in Enugu and pay other bills.
I accumulated a debt of 1.2million with the company and then is started paying it by bit until the company found out that there was a deficit of 400k. I was arrested and was in the cell for days.
To get out of the cell, I had to sign a legal agreement for a payment plan of paying 30k monthly to offset the debt. Luckily for me, I got a 60k job 1month after, my dad couldn’t pay my last siblings school fees, I took him to Enugu and started Paying his bills. I was also paying 30k from my salary every month until I paid all the lost the job again during the heat of the recession. I managed to pay up that debt.
Since 2018, I haven’t really done any serious job, I started driving Uber in 2019, saved up some money, my mom needed money for business last year, i borrowed her, she couldn’t complete the payment. The car I was using to do the Uber got bad again.
I had to look for a remote job now in Lagos, I saved up money and learnt how to do footwear, i Am saving some money to pay my house and shop rent and get machines.
Last two month my dad called that he needed money for my brother’s school fees so he can complete his SSCE exams. He promised to payback mid last month, now I have not seen the money and my that was my house rent I borrowed him. My house rent expired in August. I called him, and ofcourse, he is playing the emotional game. Now, they are in serious financial mess and they seem not to want stop dragging me into it and it’s not as if I am doing great myself. I am not, I’m struggling to make something after mortgaging a lot of time paying several debts. It is overwhelming.

The point is, I am 31years old, I’m looking forward to making my own family and it seem if I am not careful, they will drag me back from this objective. Anytime I try to organize myself, they come up with their monetary problems and it hinders my growth. My plan was to get a shop and equip it before the end of first quarter 2022 from the saving I made from my current 80k salary and now they have collected my house rent in form of a loan. That’s a drawback again.

I have to make my own family, I need to shed some burden to be able to do that. I also want to be a parent and I never want to depend on my kids in my old age.
Should I cut them off?
If no, what do you advice that I do?

He be things.

You have a problem with saying “NO” to their requests and that has landed you in this huge mess.

You’re a young man about to start life, you can’t move forward or have anything meaningful if you ain’t focus on your finances.

Whenever they call to request for money, kindly and respectfully refuse to help . Have a goal to upgrade your finances, save and put your money in accounts you won’t have free access into.

You have tried for you family to your capacity, you are not financially strong to take more responsibility without wreaking your future.

Let “your no means no” sometimes.

This one strong, it's not the responsibility of the children to take of the burden of the parents financial miscalculations.

You won't make a family of your own if you continue this way. You may end up like your father. You need to find a way to set a strict balance

I believe family is very important in one's life but you need to have that life first, age isn't on your side obviously and you should explain to them and stand your ground on doing something for yourself because you have your life to live and if you should gall, it wouldn't be the fault of your parents but yourself, if they are reasonable they would understand and even pray for you, with your story here, am sure when you finally stand tall, you would surely help your parents.. God help you.

Ginaz:
You have a problem with saying “NO” to their requests and that has landed you in this huge mess.

You’re a young man about to start life, you can’t move forward or have anything meaningful if you ain’t focus on your finances.

Whenever they call to request for money, kindly and respectfully refuse to help . Have a goal to upgrade your finances, save and put your money in accounts you won’t have free access into.

You have tried for you family to your capacity, you are not financially strong to take more responsibility without wreaking your future.

Let “your no means no” sometimes.

It's not easy o, but some parents can kill the children destinies Sha.
You make the children and then put them in tight corner

Instead of outrightly cutting them off, why don't you first try opening up to your parents, your father especially, about how you feel, the challenges you've been going through, and how it hasn't been easy for you, and won't be easy to start your own family if things continue the way they're going?
Give yourself and them that benefit at least.
I believe you're yet to have that adult discussion with them.

And that is why it is good to marry early, bear all your children early too so that before retirement, they should at least be all off school.

I won't tell you to cut them off completely but like I do tell me, have a budget before your salary comes, immediately you get the salary, implement your budget and the cash left over you can use it to render help or borrow others as you can but you know you've settled most key expenses of yours.

mariahAngel:
Instead of outrightly cutting them off, why don't you first try opening up to your parents, your father especially, about how you feel and the challenges you've been going through, and how it hasn't been easy for you, and won't be easy to start your own family if things continue the way they're going?
Give yourself and them that benefit at least.
I believe you're yet to have that adult discussion with them.

Trust me, I have tried.
My parents have the mentality that they have tried their best and I should take up some responsibilities from here. We have had serious rifts on this issue.

Ritzybeauty:
I believe family is very important in one's life but you need to have that life first, age isn't on your side obviously and you should explain to them and stand your ground on doing something for yourself because you have your life to live and if you should gall, it wouldn't be the fault of your parents but yourself, if they are reasonable they would understand and even pray for you, with your story here, am sure when you finally stand tall, you would surely help your parents.. God help you.

I am thinking of staying away for a while to get myself together.
I have a girl friend who works with a federal university, she’s smart and ideal for me but whenever I think about all these, I get scared of taking up marital responsibilities.
I think I have to stay away for awhile to focus on myself and making a family. What do you think?

chinasaekpere:
I am thinking of staying away for a while to get myself together.
I have a girl friend who works with a federal university, she’s smart and ideal for me but whenever I think about all these, I get scared of taking up marital responsibilities.
I think I have to stay away for awhile to focus on myself and making a family. What do you think?

It's the best thing for you now, focus and be determined to make a great pathway for yourself, who knows it might finally solve the financial crisis on your family and also remember you have to create your own family too but if you don't make that strong decision right now it would be a big fall for yourself and and your family so just avoid regrets of not taking that big decision please

Ritzybeauty:


It's the best thing for you now, focus and be determined to make a great pathway for yourself, who knows it might finally solve the financial crisis on your family and also remember you have to create your own family too but if you don't make that strong decision right now it would be a big fall for yourself and and your family so just avoid regrets of not taking that big decision please

Kai, this isn’t what i envisaged.

Thanks for the advice, I will do just that

Ginaz:
You have a problem with saying “NO” to their requests and that has landed you in this huge mess.

You’re a young man about to start life, you can’t move forward or have anything meaningful if you ain’t focus on your finances.

Whenever they call to request for money, kindly and respectfully refuse to help . Have a goal to upgrade your finances, save and put your money in accounts you won’t have free access into.

You have tried for you family to your capacity, you are not financially strong to take more responsibility without wreaking your future.

Let “your no means no” sometimes.

Thanks, I appreciate

chinasaekpere:
I am thinking of staying away for a while to get myself together.
I have a girl friend who works with a federal university, she’s smart and ideal for me but whenever I think about all these, I get scared of taking up marital responsibilities.
I think I have to stay away for awhile to focus on myself and making a family. What do you think?

Block everybody until you are OK and can think straight abeg

Setbacks everywhere

There's nothing I want to type now that I haven't mentioned in the past few days both online and offline. You're too young to start carrying so many family burden. You haven't even gotten married and family issues have become so much that if you don't retrace your steps, BP might set in.

Frankly, your dad's issue isn't peculiar at all. Most retired civil servants can't manage gratuity the way a business man would. All their lives, they have only learnt to work with their 5 to 6 figure salary. Civil service commissions don't really train them before making that payment and even if they go through a formal training, at 60 or 65, there is only little the brain can accommodate especially in a completely different field. To add to that, some of them spend recklessly, forgetting that, unlike salary, gratuity comes only once in a lifetime.

And this is where I also blame you. You should have known well enough to ensure that your dad put that money in the right business or asset to prevent you from taking over heavy responsibilities. But that's in the past now.


To answer your question, well you don't have to cut them off per se if you can learn to say 'NO'.

Let me first say you are a strong man...

I will come back and comment later

Workch:
This one strong, it's not the responsibility of the children to take of the burden of the parents financial miscalculations.

You won't make a family of your own if you continue this way. You may end up like your father. You need to find a way to set a strict balance

The economy isn't even as bad as this during his father's early years. At least, his father got a Federal Government job with his SSCE. OP is riding taxi with B.Sc.

If youths of today don't rethink, many will end up even worse. This is not my prayer for anyone and I'm not in anyway saying that parents' needs shouldn't be met.

Black Tax

Bro, you're 31 years old now, in 4 years time you'll be 35

In another 5 years time, you'll be 40

Your parents have raised their family, and trust me, very soon your Mum will start demanding for grandchildren...

The earlier you stand up on your own, the better for you.

Acidosis:


The economy isn't even as bad as this during his father's early years. At least, his father got a Federal Government job with his SSCE. OP is riding taxi with B.Sc.

If youths of today don't rethink, many will end up even worse. This is not my prayer for anyone and I'm not in anyway saying that parents' needs shouldn't be met.

when this wanted to happen in my family, I looked my dad in the face and made him understand that his children including me are his responsibilities and he can’t make me his retirement plan. I can only help when it’s convenient for me.
I didn’t choose to be born, he made the decision

chinasaekpere:
Thanks, I appreciate

I was paying my brothers school fees worth 150k per term

Chief, this was just to much, how can you pay 150k from your lean salary? Your problem started from here. You could have insisted they get a cheaper school for your sibling.

Learn to stand your ground.

chinasaekpere:
Hello guys, this is a very strong decision I want to make, I need your help to make this decision or not to. I am thinking of cutting my parents off because they have caused me enormous financial setback as a result of the bad decisions my father made. Firstly, I will like to give you a background of the story.

I come from a family of 4 and I am the first child of my parents. My dad is a retired federal government worker, he worked for many eyes as a school cert holder (so obviously, he didn’t hold very top position until he retired, probably the max in reached was level 8 or 9). He trained me through the university and he retired during my NYSC, at this point one of my brothers was in the university (he never graduated because he was nonchalant), my 3rd brother was a jambite and the last born was in primary school. The Jambite graduated this year and the last born is now a jambite.

In 2013, my dad retired and received gratuity worth several millions. My mom tried persuading him to build a house in the village because we are Igbos but Based in ogun state but my dad refused and insisted that he was going to develop his land in ogun state by building a 4 flats building (up stairs) then start business with the remaining money in Ogun state (apparently, he got the revelation from church to do that), he never completed the house. My dad is very religious until date, so out of the money he paid tithe, bought instruments for church and made some donations. Immediately I finished serving, I got a job with a pharmaceutical company as a medical sales representative. I was receiving a salary of 80k with commission. Things started great. I served some money I joined my dad in some of his fish farm business, I was in Enugu while he was doing the farm business in ogun state. When it was time to harvest the fish, I was told stories about theft, I spent 700k on the business but was able to recover 200k because I had to help him offset some debt.

To cut the long story short, my dad started having serious financial issues, couldn’t pay school fees of my last born in school, had several debts just about 2years after collecting millions as gratuity due to his wrong choice of investment. Ofcourse the financial burden transcended to me, until a point that my dad got into trouble from another debt, he spent church harvest savings that he was suppose to remit. I was paying my brothers school fees worth 150k per term, i had to take money from company’s account to help him offset the debt hoping that he would pay up and I will pay some before company finds out. The whole financial burden was so huge for a starter like me, owing to the fact that I lost all my savings to the fish farming business and I also had to pay house rents in Enugu and pay other bills.
I accumulated a debt of 1.2million with the company and then is started paying it by bit until the company found out that there was a deficit of 400k. I was arrested and was in the cell for days.
To get out of the cell, I had to sign a legal agreement for a payment plan of paying 30k monthly to offset the debt. Luckily for me, I got a 60k job 1month after, my dad couldn’t pay my last siblings school fees, I took him to Enugu and started Paying his bills. I was also paying 30k from my salary every month until I paid all the lost the job again during the heat of the recession. I managed to pay up that debt.
Since 2018, I haven’t really done any serious job, I started driving Uber in 2019, saved up some money, my mom needed money for business last year, i borrowed her, she couldn’t complete the payment. The car I was using to do the Uber got bad again.
I had to look for a remote job now in Lagos, I saved up money and learnt how to do footwear, i Am saving some money to pay my house and shop rent and get machines.
Last two month my dad called that he needed money for my brother’s school fees so he can complete his SSCE exams. He promised to payback mid last month, now I have not seen the money and my that was my house rent I borrowed him. My house rent expired in August. I called him, and ofcourse, he is playing the emotional game. Now, they are in serious financial mess and they seem not to want stop dragging me into it and it’s not as if I am doing great myself. I am not, I’m struggling to make something after mortgaging a lot of time paying several debts. It is overwhelming.

The point is, I am 31years old, I’m looking forward to making my own family and it seem if I am not careful, they will drag me back from this objective. Anytime I try to organize myself, they come up with their monetary problems and it hinders my growth. My plan was to get a shop and equip it before the end of first quarter 2022 from the saving I made from my current 80k salary and now they have collected my house rent in form of a loan. That’s a drawback again.

I have to make my own family, I need to shed some burden to be able to do that. I also want to be a parent and I never want to depend on my kids in my old age.
Should I cut them off?
If no, what do you advice that I do?

i am a first born also, and was always treated like this, it was my uncle that called me one day and advised me, that despite the emotional attachment I have with my family, I should not be giving them everything they ask for everytime they asked for it right now because I don't have a foot on ground financially, and I am young, he lectured me and told me that "do you know that if you die, or go incommunicado today, this your family crying to you will still find a way to feed themselves and solve their problems ?" I was amazed with that statement because it is true, he advised me to most of the time say there is no money , that they will not die, that they will surely find a way around their own problem, that this period is a period to build my own life, that will be proud of or ashamed of, that if I fail, I alone will bear the brunt not them.

I think you should take this advice because it worked for me

As a young person, you need financial intelligence.

You can't help anyone stand on their two feet when you are still standing on one foot yourself.

U are suffering as a result of ignorance. U never stand, u dey carry person. Why u no go fall ?

AutoChick4U:
Block everybody until you are OK and can think straight abeg

He should learn to say NO & not block everybody. No man is an island!

Efewestern:




Chief, this was just to much, how can you pay 150k from your lean salary? Your problem started from here. You could have insisted they get a cheaper school for your sibling.

Learn to stand your ground.

I tire o!
How can someone earning 80k be paying 150k school fees per term? That does not make sense at all!

@ chinasaekpere
You don't need to cut off your parents, they haven't done anything according to your post to warrant such. Most families of retired civil servants are just like yours, a lot of responsibilities are shifted to the elderly children to take care of the younger ones, it is left for u to say NO & handle the ones within your capacity. You should learn to say NO, you don't borrow money to solve anything, unless it has to do with life eg health.

The part I find odd in your post was when u had to pay 150k per term for school fees of your younger one on a 80k salary? Why?

This is really sad and annoying. You really tried and if I were in your position, I don't think I could do half of what you've done.

..

Rubbiish:
@ chinasaekpere
You don't need to cut off your parents, they haven't done anything according to your post to warrant such. Most families of retired civil servants are just like yours, a lot of responsibilities are shifted to the elderly children to take care of the younger ones, it is left for u to say NO & handle the ones within your capacity. You should learn to say NO, you don't borrow money to solve anything, unless it has to do with life eg health.

The part I find odd in your post was when u had to pay 150k per term for school fees of your younger one on a 80k salary? Why?

he was already in the school before the financial issue started. I couldn’t have pulled him out just like that until he finished a session.

Efewestern:


In a session, we usually have 3 Terms, so a guy with 80k salary paid 450k for a sibling who is still in secondary school. This is financial suicide.

With this, we can conclude that they were living far above their means.

I think you didn’t understand that he was already in the school before things became bad. We later pulled him Out of the school after then

We didn’t live beyond our means sir.