₦airaland Forum

Women who are not able to detach from their families and realize they are now married and must chart a new cause with their husbands are usually problems waiting to happen. My brother is having the same issue with a manipulative mother in law who turned the wife and the siblings against their father. Now she is manipulating the wife against my brother. Some women are just pure evil.

I feel your pain brotherly....just form an alliance with your own family member too..e.g your mum...let the alliance be glaring and well known to her in good faith not to harm her though....also...maintain some privacy in your day to day activities and your home management....try this for just one month...she will call for dialogue...

Try this first step...lol

I was in similar situation last year, my own is my wife to be, she was too attached to her parents to the extent of them dictating the direction of our relationship. I called her one day and told her that I won't follow her and worship her people, she should just go and be their lovely daughter. She thought I was joking but that was the end

uyimen:
Good day,
Pls help me with ur advice , i know u wont be shy to tell me if am wrong.

I got married to my dream wife, she lived with a relative for 18yrs who she also called mummy, she have a biological mother, who saw her through school (university level) though she was living with this Aunty.

Problem started when i came to marry her , the Aunty was hostile, she kept coming up with issue to paint me bad. I was repeatedly called to come and explain irrelevant provocative issues sure as why i travelled to inform my wife biological mother of my wedding plans. After the bride price payment and rites duly performed, She still made me perform an additional party which she called a traditional marriage outing party in her compound. All these i did for peace sake. No one including family members, husband children or even my wife ,dear opposes her to caution her ..In all these my wife kept on saying *she stayed with her for 18yrs.*
Worst of all u latter gathered from friends that this said Aunty was laying curses on us during the marriage, that the marriage will fail and my wife will return to her with tales of martial wows.
Then she warned me to stop calling her mummy. In all these my wife was always in tears through the honeymoon.
I ignored just becos i knew after the marriage things will change. This Aunty feed my wife with all forms of manipulative desires to set us up. and even requesting feedbacks from her in some case, words here are not enough to explain all.

To my surprise two yrs into the marriage this said Aunty and her children are still key important figures in my wife live, they have access to her and my home at will, somethings they plan visits when am at work.

Each of there visits leave us in weeks of quarrels . now its me my wife blames.

Friends what do i do now, my wife insists that because of 18yrs of living with them so i should let go and pretend nothing ever went wrong.
Pls advise me.

be wise my man and also pray to God to see you through.

Montaque:
You and your wife are one. Anybody else is a third party. Anybody who's interest it is to scatter my home is an enemy.

Yes bt One means u both agree not dictating. Is it every husband that has best intentions??

Benz4pimp:
if only he can do this...You said it all...my wife stayed with one aunty too like that for close 20years,they dare not try such with cus dem know say I get craze.....Man wey no get craze no fit control him house,sometimes gentle words doesn’t solve anything,I go carry 3 shirts,off to an hotel,when you are ready to listen,I will come back...

Exactly.... sometimes they do these things because they feel you can do nothing, including your wife. So, the best way is to let everyone know that being stupid is not the perogative of anyone. We can all be mad!

uyimen:
Just to add that initially there was nothing i did not do humanly possible to please these people name it. All to no avail.

I don't know why is hard for you people to look at people you don't like in the eyes and tell them Bleep off.

Mercychen:
This your story ehn.. e dey pain brain.

If I got you right, you want your wife to disconnect from her aunty?

Well, it will be very difficult because like you said, she was with her for 18yrs. That's a long time to form an unbreakable bond, that's why she can't detach her self easily from her.

I'll advise you relocate to a place they'll not be able to access your house easily. That's the only thing I think can put a stop to all these.

Things men go through. Imagine OP has to settle for this advice, which has so much credit to it as far as reasonability is considered, he'll leave his comfort, the people he's formed a good bond with in the street, the ease that comes with the location he's familiar with, and all that, to a new place. All of this to fulfil the rite/right for peace to be arrested, and especially to impress the wife.

Just imagine! Quite hard to grasp if marriage indeed worths it for a man.

Mercychen:
This your story ehn.. e dey pain brain.

If I got you right, you want your wife to disconnect from her aunty?

Well, it will be very difficult because like you said, she was with her for 18yrs. That's a long time to form an unbreakable bond, that's why she can't detach her self easily from her.

I'll advise you relocate to a place they'll not be able to access your house easily. That's the only thing I think can put a stop to all these.

Geographical location does not stop someone influencing your marriage. They can always communicate. The woman need to politely let her aunt know that what happens in her marriage depends on her and the husband. Enough of emotional blackmail.

It's your house, let her know that you are not comfortable with their coming when you are not around.

Sharon any being that is controlled upto his or her marriage life needs deliverances.

This your story ehn.. e dey pain brain.

If I got you right, you want your wife to disconnect from her aunty?

Well, it will be very difficult because like you said, she was with her for 18yrs. That's a long time to form an unbreakable bond, that's why she can't detach her self easily from her.

I'll advise you relocate to a place they'll not be able to access your house easily. That's the only thing I think can put a stop to all these.
Oga I dey airport road warri in case Christmas rice dey

eazzzy1:
I know you and your wife’s aunty do not like yourselves, and you are allowing it affect your relationship with your wife. Your wife lived with her for 18 years, she practically raised your wife and can be referred to as your mother in law.

Treat her with respect as you would treat your own mother or let your hatred for her remain your hatred for her, stop forcing your wife to have issues with her, don’t put her in that position where she has to choose between her ‘mother’ and you, it’s unfair to her.

You meant her hatred for him? She should stop disturbing their lives, the girl don marry. She should let her be. Who likes in-laws interfering in her or his marriage?

InTheCloudySky:
1. Move your family far away from them (the aunty and her children) so they will no longer have access to you or to visit you.

OR

2. Be a man and take control of your home and family. They see you as a mumu they can treat anyhow but you can put a stop to all that.

It's mostly Igbos, and part Yoruba's that are these entitled to people's lives they helped.

uyimen:
Good day,
Pls help me with ur advice , i know u wont be shy to tell me if am wrong.

I got married to my dream wife, she lived with a relative for 18yrs who she also called mummy, she have a biological mother, who saw her through school (university level) though she was living with this Aunty.

Problem started when i came to marry her , the Aunty was hostile, she kept coming up with issue to paint me bad. I was repeatedly called to come and explain irrelevant provocative issues sure as why i travelled to inform my wife biological mother of my wedding plans. After the bride price payment and rites duly performed, She still made me perform an additional party which she called a traditional marriage outing party in her compound. All these i did for peace sake. No one including family members, husband children or even my wife ,dear opposes her to caution her ..In all these my wife kept on saying *she stayed with her for 18yrs.*
Worst of all u latter gathered from friends that this said Aunty was laying curses on us during the marriage, that the marriage will fail and my wife will return to her with tales of martial wows.
Then she warned me to stop calling her mummy. In all these my wife was always in tears through the honeymoon.
I ignored just becos i knew after the marriage things will change. This Aunty feed my wife with all forms of manipulative desires to set us up. and even requesting feedbacks from her in some case, words here are not enough to explain all.

To my surprise two yrs into the marriage this said Aunty and her children are still key important figures in my wife live, they have access to her and my home at will, somethings they plan visits when am at work.

Each of there visits leave us in weeks of quarrels . now its me my wife blames.

Friends what do i do now, my wife insists that because of 18yrs of living with them so i should let go and pretend nothing ever went wrong.
Pls advise me.

Your wife is a dumbass brainless fellow that isn't ready for marriage. As for her auntie that one na small problem. Stamp your feet on the ground and take charge of your home. Enact your own decrees and anyone that doesn't comply with it would get it hot including yeye auntie. Make your wife know that it's either she joins you to build and secure the home or her sorry ass gets dumped. Look that yeye auntie eye ball to eye ball and tell her never to near your abode again. If your eye red well, she go get the message. Maybe na you dey dull sef.

eazzzy1:
Hmmm I’m not married sir! but what would you do about a manipulative aunt? Especially when your partner doesn’t the manipulation? Would you force her to see things from your perspective? I like people to make their own mistakes, that’s how people learn best.

I pray she doesn't make costly or irreversible mistake.

jaxxy:
Yes bt One means u both agree not dictating. Is it every husband that has best intentions??

A husband is the protector of his home. He should lead the house against all enemies of a peaceful home. In most cases, the husband should see trouble afar and steer the family away from danger. It doesn't have to feel right at that moment, but he knows what he is avoiding. This situation has gone so bad that a drastic measure has to be taken for the new home to survive. The measures to be taken doesn't have to make sense to anybody, as long as it delivers the new home from destruction. Even after that, the couple needs to do conscious work (therapy kind of) to remove every trace of anger and bitterness between them. Bro, to save a family from destruction is not always reasonable to onlookers. And it is every mans responsibility to save his home. If you think your husband doesn't have the best of intention, I don't know why you got into marriage which is built on trust. You trust what you haven't seen the end. It is an obligation in marriage to trust your partner. I think I have said enough.

Mercychen:
This your story ehn.. e dey pain brain.

If I got you right, you want your wife to disconnect from her aunty?

Well, it will be very difficult because like you said, she was with her for 18yrs. That's a long time to form an unbreakable bond, that's why she can't detach her self easily from her.

I'll advise you relocate to a place they'll not be able to access your house easily. That's the only thing I think can put a stop to all these.

PLEASE GIVE HIM MONEY TO PAY FOR THE NEW RENT

uyimen:
Good day,
Pls help me with ur advice , i know u wont be shy to tell me if am wrong.

I got married to my dream wife, she lived with a relative for 18yrs who she also called mummy, she have a biological mother, who saw her through school (university level) though she was living with this Aunty.

Problem started when i came to marry her , the Aunty was hostile, she kept coming up with issue to paint me bad. I was repeatedly called to come and explain irrelevant provocative issues sure as why i travelled to inform my wife biological mother of my wedding plans. After the bride price payment and rites duly performed, She still made me perform an additional party which she called a traditional marriage outing party in her compound. All these i did for peace sake. No one including family members, husband children or even my wife ,dear opposes her to caution her ..In all these my wife kept on saying *she stayed with her for 18yrs.*
Worst of all u latter gathered from friends that this said Aunty was laying curses on us during the marriage, that the marriage will fail and my wife will return to her with tales of martial wows.
Then she warned me to stop calling her mummy. In all these my wife was always in tears through the honeymoon.
I ignored just becos i knew after the marriage things will change. This Aunty feed my wife with all forms of manipulative desires to set us up. and even requesting feedbacks from her in some case, words here are not enough to explain all.

To my surprise two yrs into the marriage this said Aunty and her children are still key important figures in my wife live, they have access to her and my home at will, somethings they plan visits when am at work.

Each of there visits leave us in weeks of quarrels . now its me my wife blames.

Friends what do i do now, my wife insists that because of 18yrs of living with them so i should let go and pretend nothing ever went wrong.
Pls advise me.

As a man, you need to figure out who was truly responsible for your wife's education as I think something must have engineered all her action. You also need to find out the contribution of your wife's parent to her upbringing as I sensed negligence.

All I see here is a woman with a sense of entitlement due to a reason. Afterall, to whom much is given, much is expected.

If you can figure this out in all its entirety, then it will be easier to determine your next move.

You are truly a Senior Man. I've always thought that marriage is between two people who want to be with each other. There are no exceptions to this. No brother or sister or father or mother or aunt. Just the two. That is why the One who officiated in the first ever marriage on earth stated that a man and a woman shall leave their families and marry each other and become one flesh. He did not say that the woman will bring along her family members.
A woman who truly wants to be married will be the one that will tell her family not to come to her husband's house without arrangement and she will limit the rate and frequency of the visits. What are family members even going to do in the house of a married couple, unless they want to cause problems for them?

seniorgozman:
I was in similar situation last year, my own is my wife to be, she was too attached to her parents to the extent of them dictating the direction of our relationship. I called her one day and told her that I won't follow her and worship her people, she should just go and be their lovely daughter. She thought I was joking but that was the end

uyimen:
Just to add that initially there was nothing i did not do humanly possible to please these people name it. All to no avail.

Stop pleasing them, stand your ground. Tell your wife to choose between her aunty and her family. Imagine someone laying curses on her and wishing her bad for that matter.
Just relocate and tell her strictly no member of that her Aunty's family is welcomed to your home. Be the man.

bummyla:
I dont think you are married Sir! Am in the same situation with him! Some Aunties and Big sisters do not know when to let go! They are manipulative

That is not just the issue. They are evil and want to destroy lives.

DroppingLiquid:
If your wife was a wise woman, she would know that it's her they hate and not you. They don't want her to be happy, it doesn't matter which man she marries, whether you or someone else, they want her miserable and they will not stop. She better realize it quickly. You and your wife must cut all contact with them. And if she brings up that 18 years nonsense, you must shut it down immediately.

She’s not the only woman that lives with a family member until they got married.

To the best of knowledge she is so daft.
Sorry to the OP o. But I have to be realistic.

If you go and take her back even after three years, she will still find a way to ruin your life. She does not love you and you should come to terms with that. A woman who loves or cares deeply for her husband would have been the one limiting her relationships with family and making sure they don't come to her house without arrangement. If you are one of the many men of our generation who are happy to live with a woman who doesn't care about them, then go bring her back eventually. But you will live with the consequences. There is nothing like "she has learned her lesson" because to her, there is no lesson to learn. She sees you as simply a recalcitrant husband who won't let her have her way.

bummyla:
Welcome to my world! My wife said she would rather leave this fucking marriage, than curtail her association with her divorced aunty that brought her to Lagos, her evil elder sister that has refused to marry and her friends.

Every day new wahala!

Bros there is not much you can do, than to put your feet down like I did!

I dont want them in my house! I dont want them, If I come back and see they came, I call them and warn them. Thank God the boys and the men are by my side, I will call the boys and the men to warn them too.

Every place will be on fire for a while!

Finally she will ruin your marriage like they ruined mine, but dont worry, if she is your wife her eyes will open.

Madam, even this evening called, was bagging me, to come and take her back, to the house, but I no gree! Make she enjoy their company very very! She don stay one year with them now, my plan is that she will stay two years with them. I learnt tension is getting high over there! If they no fight, I no go come carry am. Period!

After while we are going to relocate very far from them

uyimen:
Thanks for your view. this is exactly my wife view on the issue. But what am seeking advice for is not saving me from her Aunty, but how saving her from her Aunty.
She has accused my wife for taking the shine off her children, ie taking their destiny, what mother will say that?
What i dont understand should i allow it simply becos she stayed there of 18yrs. 18yrs of serving her and her children. Dont even want to talk about that.
Worst of all my wife relationship wit her biological mum who i term the best mother inlaw ever!!! is near zero, out of fear how the Aunty wont take it.

I love ur contribution but is not the case here.

now you’ve said what the problem truly is, you wife’s aunty is simply jealous of the fact that her supposed maid has been blessed with a husband and her daughter are not, bro, the earlier you take serious caution and monitor their moves the better.. if them come put 777 for una matrimonial home na u sabi o.. jealous can lead a frustrated woman to an extreme. Do everything possible to reduce their acess to your home. My two cent o.

So because someone raised you and made sacrifices for you, she then has to be part of our married life? Then please stay unmarried. It is that simple. Everyone keeps acting as if each one of us must be married. Stay with those people you love so much that you cannot do without them. This goes for both gender by the way. I really don't understand us. Two people have the opportunity to enjoy each other's company and marvel at the beauty of togetherness. Yet one or both of them decide they must inflict pain on themselves by introducing third and fourth parties into the relationship. Did you not hear that the One who officiated the first ever marriage ceremony on earth stated that they must both(husband and wife) LEAVE THEIR FAMILIES and be together as one? The One who created you and gave you life and air and water has He come to live with you and be disturbing you every day because he is your God? Then why should a mother or father or aunt or whatever permutations they come in, be disturbing the peace of a maried couple? If I get married, I don't want to see my family or her family getting involved my our affairs let alone interfering. What are they coming to do? What sort of help will they need that cannot be rendered from a distance?
Also once you start any discourse from a gender biased perspective, you lose me. "Men can't take what they dish?" What does that even mean? Our focus should be on how we can help each other navigate the challenges of life regardless of gender.

akinade28:
Op, I want you to "put yourself in your wife's shoes". You need to understand that women are often emotionally attached to their family members especially those that raised them, it is usually difficult to break the bond suddenly because of marriage. Everyone has that evil crazy extended family member, but we don't throw them away just because they are bad, we just establish caution when relating with them, blood is thicker than water. She has known this woman all her life and see the aunt as her second mother, forcing her to break all ties will put her in a very difficult position ( that's how you get a bitter wife). She might hold it against you in the future especially when relating to your own family members. However, you can relocate to a different place where it will be difficult them to have free access to your house. Then, you can tell her to reduce communication with them to the barest minimum.
To nairalanders with their baised and one sided advice. Assuming it was a woman that came to seek advice on the case of her husband's evil aunt who practically raised him for 18 years, but didn't like her nor wanted him to marry her, so she laid curses on her during the wedding ceremony but she and her children still comes to the house at will after the wedding. The advice will be completely different. You will hear things like " forgive her, she is like a mother to your husband", " no wife should separate a man from his relatives irrespective of what they have done", " you have to learn to accommodate your husband's relatives" etc.
Most of you guys can't take half of what you dish out.
Just because we are women doesn't mean no one ever sacrificed for us, you usually forget that someone raised your wives, they paid the price and invested so much in them to that level that you got married to them. If they had not sacrifice for them, you won't have gotten that beautiful woman you call your wife today.

Spot on! Men and women everywhere are marrying strangers. I will wait for my soul mate until I am 98 years old.

Annie001:
It's not your Aunty's wife fault
It your wife that doesn't value you.
Why can't the universe just match wicked people with wicked people?
Person dey find soul mate, some people found and still misbehaving
Oga gan

Wife sisters are everywhere destroying their younger sister's marriages.

I really feel for you. You got married to someone who does not care about you let alone love you. This is just the beggining. That wife of yours will be making significantly sub optimal decisions affecting other important areas of your life in the future. You will have to decide to either cut your losses and run for cover or live with her and endure the consequences that will definitely come with time. If you don't have kids yet, this may be a very opportune time to cut and run. It will become a nightmare when you bring forth kids in such a toxic environment where the woman determines what happens, especially a woman who has demonstrated such a flawed decision making ability.

uyimen:
That is were the attack is strong becos, when i caution my wife she flares in anger and we could start a week long fight....

How will relocating solve the problem? The Aunt is not the problem. The OP's wife is the single and sole problem here. Even if she agrees to relocate, she will still invite the same persons into their home. She has to decide whether she wants to marry the OP or go live with her beloved aunt and her children.

masterpiecer:
OP, if you want a final and lasting solution, follow this advice and when you do that, do not let them know about the relocation and the location, at best give flimsy excuses to cover up. Life is wisdom.

NemoDatQuod:
So because someone raised you and made sacrifices for you, she then has to be part of our married life? Then please stay unmarried. It is that simple. Everyone keeps acting as if each one of us must be married. Stay with those people you love so much that you cannot do without them. This goes for both gender by the way. I really don't understand us. Two people have the opportunity to enjoy each other's company and marvel at the beauty of togetherness. Yet one or both of them decide they must inflict pain on themselves by introducing third and fourth parties into the relationship. Did you not hear that the One who officiated the first ever marriage ceremony on earth stated that they must both(husband and wife) LEAVE THEIR FAMILIES and be together as one? The One who created you and gave you life and air and water has He come to live with you and be disturbing you every day because he is your God? Then why should a mother or father or aunt or whatever permutations they come in, be disturbing the peace of a maried couple? If I get married, I don't want to see my family or her family getting involved my our affairs let alone interfering. What are they coming to do? What sort of help will they need that cannot be rendered from a distance?
Also once you start any discourse from a gender biased perspective, you lose me. "Men can't take what they dish?" What does that even mean? Our focus should be on how we can help each other navigate the challenges of life regardless of gender.

Boss, try to understand my point. Yes any third party shouldn't never interfere in anyone's marriage, but it takes wisdom and caution in dealing with the third party especially family members. Yes, the bible instructed that both parties must leave their family members and cleave to their spouse but the reality is that you can't just delete every relationship you had prior to marriage especially with family members just because you are married, you need wisdom to put them in their place. Let's not forget, anyone that's gets married is a spouse and a parent in their new home but still a child with obligations to the family they came from.

Why should he go and confront the Aunty? The aunty and her children are being invited into the marriage by his wife. She is the one he should hold accountable. It seems he has tried holding her accountable but it always results in a shouting match. Now he has to make the big decision: to run for cover or not to run for cover!

gtrader:
Listen, when you want to tackle a problem you start from the head. It is time to go against the woman she lived with for 18yrs. If a problem start again because of her, go to her house and warn her strictly. Tell her your piece of mind, be blunt and free when talking to her.
It is time to tell her enough is enough, do not call on phone. Talk to her face to face like a man, and let her know she is the problem you have in your home.

Bia you have to take charge of your home ooo, is too early to start having issues cos of step mum.