Good day Nairalanders, there have been a lingering cold war in my family between my parents and it has created a tension in my family that as the first son I'm running out of options on how to dunce this tension. My parents have been married for almost 30 years and just like another has been full of ups and downs.

I will try not to sound biased but my dad's authoritarian nature has caused a serious crack in my our family and made my mom a very unhappy woman that is just enduring the marriage for the sake of her children. Instead of the children to find solace in our home we all prefer to be far away due to the continuous rift between our parents. My dad has never laid his hands on our mom but constantly talks down on her even in front of the kids, and knowing my father you would rather prefer to be mended with 2x2 plank rather than my father letting his tongue lose on you. His mouth is filled with venom.

A while ago one of my siblings got a job as a cashier in a bet shop without my father's knowledge, we kept it away from him because we knew very well he would object because he hated anything bet. My mom on the other hand knowing fully well that the boy has been idle for a while gave her consent reluctantly. My dad got to know after he observed that the boy was dropping money at home frequently and when he inquired about the source of the money and learnt that he was working in bet shop all hell was let loose.

He called me on phone in school, which he rarely does just to confirm if I was aware which I replied in the affirmative. He said all manner of derogatory things to me, because he felt his position as the head of the home was threatened, he felt we the children was siding my mom to override his authority in the home. My siblings would later call me the following day to complain about how he spoke to my mom, the poor woman cried for days. They said my dad would never see a dime of their money if they get rich even though I know it was childish talk but that's how serious thing are.

Almost all my siblings have grown to hate my dad though they conceal it very well. His tyrannical rule is not helping matters at all, my dad is the kinda father that if you spoil an appliance in the house, it would be in your best interest to repair it before he becomes aware because the funny part is he won't say much to you rather all the aggression would be transfered to my mom. If we use the generator we would have to replace the quantity of fuel that we used. I was sleeping in lecture hall in school, my pop man insisted there was no money and even advised I withdrew from school if I can't cope only to get home to meet the news that he just bought a land lol.

While I don't expect much from him cos I'm of age, I don't like how he keeps alienating himself from my other siblings due to his nonchalant attitude to their warfare. Those kids would spend weeks at home due to non payment of school fees but he would spend hundreds of thousands fixing his car if it breaks down.

My mom called me today in tears, p man just left the house without dropping anything for Xmas, and even a cube of maggi is not at home, and its not as if he doesn't have money, I'm away of the big contracts he's working on at the moment whereas he's been spending on his car putting it in shape for travelling him.
And he was the one that told momsi not to process her cassava and sell because she envisaged that something like this would happen.

Now my siblings have been bombarding me with complaints and this is why I preferred to stay back in school instead of traveling home.
How should I approach this issue? I can't call a man and tell him how to use his money, I've been struggling to make mine so that I can offset some of the expenses from his shoulder.

I love my dad and I understand his struggles, i know what people without a father figure goes through but how can I stop the hate that is brewing towards him from my siblings?
I want our home to be peaceful.
Please I need your advice.

Some people are like that.
There's this family friend that fits this picture. As I type this, none of his children are at home. They don't visit due to his rigid nature and if at all they visit non of them does come home to greet their father. They will just call their mum to meet them at a certain place from there then japa.
Yes the economy is harsh, but we as fathers need to have that special bond with our children.

Omo, ur father tough ooo. But What i will tell you is that u can call him and talk to him as a son to his father. For the lord av given fathers authority over their children and given children the obligation to obey their mother. If u want to talk to him Just know how to honour him in everything u re going to say. God will let him change.

Almost 30 years of marriage and your Mom doesn't know how to work around your dad?

Weird.

You Can't. Parents are their to give their Children Trouble, Life will be Boring without their trouble. By the way, your father is a good man. Check My Signature for high-tech tutorials

Mstick:
Almost 30 years of marriage and your Mom doesn't know how to work around your dad?

Weird.

Hmmmm he's not an easy man to deal with bro

Mehn my father is kind of similar to your father although a bit milder.. But anytime he tries to start those his nonsense I dey enter am wotowoto before him go calm down.

It seems none of you are stubborn at home that's why he's behaving the way he does

Supreme145:
Now my siblings have been bombarding me with complaints and this is why I preferred to stay back in school instead of traveling home.
How should I approach this issue? I can't call a man and tell him how to use his money, I've been struggling to make mine so that I can offset some of the expenses from his shoulder.

I love my dad and I understand his struggles, i know what people without a father figure goes through but how can I stop the hate that is brewing towards him from my siblings?
I want our home to be peaceful.
Please I need your advice.

A new year they say is a new dawn... now you all know what your father is capable of. What you need and can do is plan accordingly. Find ways to not rely so much on him.

Your mom ought to have something doing so she can bring in dough to help cover the fees and what not when your father is unable to. After 30 years of marriage to the man and enduring the venom he spews, and this without illness on her part, I don't see why she shouldn't be able to come through for you guys.

Your father is who he is. You mother pretty much allowed it so their is nothing you or your siblings can do about that at all. What you should however do is learn lessons from the experience so you don't turn out like him.

the man has been like this for 30 long years, trying to change him now would be impossible nd a waste of time....so instead you guys should accept that this is the way he is and basta. your mum will be fine.

as for the bet shop job issue, i would feel exactly the same way as your father if everyone knew about something i was against, but decided to go against my wishes and do it anyway regardless of my rules (you better start packing your shiit if in my house and not want to abide by my rules). he is right to say that his authority is on the line here.

Damn!

I'd rather keep my opinion because it wouldn't be a good one for your dad.

Kilotat:
You Can't. Parent are their to give their Children Trouble, Life will be Boring without their trouble. By the way, your father is a good man. Check My Signature for high-tech tutorials

What bullsheet reasoning is that? That you accept trouble from your parents does not mean all parents are as irresponsible. Please, open your eyes and mind!

Sounds like my dad. I'm glad me and my siblings turned out fine and not dependant in him or else our eyes go see shege. My advice to you is to double your hustle so dad won't be making you guys go through shit because he is the one providing.

WHAT I SEE HERE IS A MAN WHOSE WIFE HAS BEEN ABLE TO MANIPULATE THEIR CHILDREN INTO THINKING THE MAN IS A PROBLEM.

THE MAN IS AWARE OF ALL THESE. HE IS ANGRY AND HAS DECIDED TO DISSOCIATE HIMSELF FROM THE FAMILY.

YOU, YOUR SIBLINGS AND MUM SHOULD GO AND ASK THAT MAN FOR FORGIVENESS AND SUBMIT TO HIS AUTHORITY.

Just allow the stubborn man to keep buying properties, at the end he will leave everything for una when he is gone, penny wise, palm foolish, make em be calming down next year ooo, but always try and talk to him, not confrontational, he is still your dad.

TheStakeHolder:
WHAT I SEE HERE IS A MAN WHOSE WIFE HAS BEEN ABLE TO MANIPULATE THEIR CHILDREN INTO THINKING THE MAN IS A PROBLEM.

YOU, YOUR SIBLINGS AND MUM SHOULD GO AND ASK THAT MAN FOR FORGIVENESS AND SUBMIT TO HIS AUTHORITY.

I disagree, my mom has her own faults but manipulation is not one of them, she can't manipulate all the children at the same time.

Honestly, the only way you can handle such a person is by becoming successful.
When they see that they no longer have power over you, them go humble.
For that kind of a person, dependency is their power, and they prefer to keep you dependent on them for as long as possible.

Why do you think he was against your brother getting a job?
He even hated the fact that someone other than him was dropping something. It made him mad.
Forget that excuse of him hating anything betting.
Why did he stop your mum from cultivating her cassava?

Is your mum afraid of your dad? I’d say she should try to ignore him, and be away from him as much as possible.
Some women would rather be in the village alone with their peace of mind, than be with this type of husband.

SportsHD:
Sounds like my dad. I'm glad me and my siblings turned out fine and not dependant in him or else our eyes go see shege. My advice to you is to double your hustle so dad won't be making you guys go through shit because he is the one providing.

Just 3 of my younger ones are depending on him because they are still in secondary school every other person is hustling.

Mariangeles:
Honestly, the only way you can handle such a person is by becoming successful.
When they see that they no longer have no power over you, them go humble.

Is your mum afraid of your dad? I’d say she should try to ignore him, and be away from him as much as possible.
Some women would rather be in the village alone with their peace of mind, than be with this type of husband.

Can't say she's afraid but she's this type that doesn't like talking, she'd rather prefer to sit in a corner and cry her eyes out. As for being successful I and my siblings are working hard towards that if not for anything for the sake of our parents. I know very well that once money comes on a steady peace will reign.

This matter wear wrapper tie gele....una need wisdom from above

MrBrownJay1:
the man has been like this for 30 long years, trying to change him now would be impossible nd a waste of time....so instead you guys should accept that this is the way he is and basta. your mum will be fine.

as for the bet shop job issue, i would feel exactly the same way as your father if everyone knew about something i was against, but decided to go against my wishes and do it anyway regardless of my rules (you better start packing your shiit if in my house and not want to abide by my rules). he is right to say that his authority is on the line here.

His reaction was the exact reason we kept it from him, some times you need to consider the interest of the children, would it be better the boy stayed idle at home? Funny enough he continued the bet shop without his knowledge and the boy has been contributing substantially to the upkeep of the house, he even borrows money from him at times which he never pays back from that same bet.

Supreme145:

Can't say she's afraid but she's this type that doesn't like talking, she'd rather prefer to sit in a corner and cry her eyes out. As for being successful I and my siblings are working hard towards that if not for anything for the sake of our parents. I know very well that once money comes on a steady peace will reign.

I’ve added more to my comment.


Have this in mind; fathers are not always right, so you don’t always have to do what they say.

Supreme145:

His reaction was the exact reason we kept it from him, some times you need to consider the interest of the children, would it be better the boy stayed idle at home? Funny enough he continued the bet shop without his knowledge and the boy has been contributing substantially to the upkeep of the house, he even borrows money from him at times which he never pays back from that same bet.

i fully understand you but you have to most and foremost consider the interest of your oga at the top, and most importantly, the consequences of going against his wishes. what you got from him is exactly that (aka the consequences of you guys doing/hiding from him something that he is against).

as much as a job is better than none, you cant use that as an excuse. that would be as foolish as me saying that lying to you is ok so long as it doesnt hurt you. you have to look deeper than that and focus on either changing that person's opinion OR get your own place where you can do what you please... but there are rules and regulations you must follow in life, and you cant selfishly do what you please just because its beneficial "to you". at the end of the day, you did something that was wrong to your oga at the top (regardless of how many people supported it).

if oga at the top knew where the money came from, he probably wouldnt borrow it.

TheStakeHolder:
WHAT I SEE HERE IS A MAN WHOSE WIFE HAS BEEN ABLE TO MANIPULATE THEIR CHILDREN INTO THINKING THE MAN IS A PROBLEM.

YOU, YOUR SIBLINGS AND MUM SHOULD GO AND ASK THAT MAN FOR FORGIVENESS AND SUBMIT TO HIS AUTHORITY.

African mentality. "submit to his authority"

Him fit de spend for another woman and her children like this!! Some fathers de Bleep up well!

I miss my dad, I won't mind even 5 mins with him Authoritative or not.

Ok

It seems your dad is low in cash. He is just insecured, fighting for every ounce of respect.

It is hard o. Anything you say to him, will be used against you.

This matter too de strong
Why not involve your relatives, maybe someone your father respect alot.