₦airaland Forum

Hmmm

Ok

Supreme145:
Good day Nairalanders, there have been a lingering cold war in my family between my parents and it has created a tension in my family that as the first son I'm running out of options on how to dunce this tension. My parents have been married for almost 30 years and just like another has been full of ups and downs.

I will try not to sound biased but my dad's authoritarian nature has caused a serious crack in my our family and made my mom a very unhappy woman that is just enduring the marriage for the sake of her children. Instead of the children to find solace in our home we all prefer to be far away due to the continuous rift between our parents. My dad has never laid his hands on our mom but constantly talks down on her even in front of the kids, and knowing my father you would rather prefer to be mended with 2x2 plank rather than my father letting his tongue lose on you. His mouth is filled with venom.

A while ago one of my siblings got a job as a cashier in a bet shop without my father's knowledge, we kept it away from him because we knew very well he would object because he hated anything bet. My mom on the other hand knowing fully well that the boy has been idle for a while gave her consent reluctantly. My dad got to know after he observed that the boy was dropping money at home frequently and when he inquired about the source of the money and learnt that he was working in bet shop all hell was let loose.

He called me on phone in school, which he rarely does just to confirm if I was aware which I replied in the affirmative. He said all manner of derogatory things to me, because he felt his position as the head of the home was threatened, he felt we the children was siding my mom to override his authority in the home. My siblings would later call me the following day to complain about how he spoke to my mom, the poor woman cried for days. They said my dad would never see a dime of their money if they get rich even though I know it was childish talk but that's how serious thing are.

Almost all my siblings have grown to hate my dad though they conceal it very well. His tyrannical rule is not helping matters at all, my dad is the kinda father that if you spoil an appliance in the house, it would be in your best interest to repair it before he becomes aware because the funny part is he won't say much to you rather all the aggression would be transfered to my mom. If we use the generator we would have to replace the quantity of fuel that we used. I was sleeping in lecture hall in school, my pop man insisted there was no money and even advised I withdrew from school if I can't cope only to get home to meet the news that he just bought a land lol.

While I don't expect much from him cos I'm of age, I don't like how he keeps alienating himself from my other siblings due to his nonchalant attitude to their warfare. Those kids would spend weeks at home due to non payment of school fees but he would spend hundreds of thousands fixing his car if it breaks down.

My mom called me today in tears, p man just left the house without dropping anything for Xmas, and even a cube of maggi is not at home, and its not as if he doesn't have money, I'm away of the big contracts he's working on at the moment whereas he's been spending on his car putting it in shape for travelling him.
And he was the one that told momsi not to process her cassava and sell because she envisaged that something like this would happen.

Now my siblings have been bombarding me with complaints and this is why I preferred to stay back in school instead of traveling home.
How should I approach this issue? I can't call a man and tell him how to use his money, I've been struggling to make mine so that I can offset some of the expenses from his shoulder.

I love my dad and I understand his struggles, i know what people without a father figure goes through but how can I stop the hate that is brewing towards him from my siblings?
I want our home to be peaceful.
Please I need your advice.

Be patient with him

https://gist.am/question/how-do-i-handle-my-problematic-father

Disown him

Some fathers are like that but no matter how hard or strong they are they always have a soft or weak spot. Identify that soft spot and use it to your advantage.

Your father is the head and wants to be seen as such. You children should carry him along in your decision even when you know what his reaction would be so he doesn't transfer his displeasure to your mother. Let him feel he's still in charge of his home and his children are not against him..

Your siblings need to forgive his errors and still love him as their father.

Also be there for your mother. She must be carrying so much weight in her heart.

And in all try as much as possible to be neutral and mature when dealing with your parents..

Stay out of it. They will sort themselves out. Husband and wife matter no need interference. You have said he doesn't beat her so leave them be. All the best to your family.

Leave the issue oga, let your mom manage her husband... your work should be on how to start making money so your mom could benefit from you....if you get yourself into this issue, you won't like the outcome ...Your father is another Buhari, he won't take corrections..

My dad used to act this way, always insisting we do his biddings which are not favourable to us. After considering everything we decided to do things our way coz if we keep respecting his wishes we won't have a life of our own. Now he has nothing else to do than respect us and our hustles. I will advise your brother to keep up with his work in a betting shop coz if he can't solve his problems, dad won't still help him

Yinkakolawole:
Omo, ur father tough ooo. But What i will tell you is that u can call him and talk to him as a son to his father. For the lord av given fathers authority over their children and given children the obligation to obey their mother. If u want to talk to him Just know how to honour him in everything u re going to say. God will let him change.

there is no how u are going to honour him in trying to make him see his faults oo. He may even fill attacked. God help us to make money. @op You can help convince ur siblings to kill the subtle hate for daddy. But u have to visit home frequently and take more home time with him. U might need to disagree with him when he wants to start those funny authoritarian behavior and do stand ur ground when u do so. Come back buy him a gift and make peace he will respect u. You and ur siblins can all buy him a gift.

Your child will one day call you a problematic father it's not a curse

My dad was like this, if we just hear his car horn, everybody go japa commot for sitting room and push our last born to go meet him..
The man use wire cord design my back because of a dead bird phone I took from his closet..
Dead bird phone o..
I don't even want to discuss how he turned out but my mom just moved into her own house today

Supreme145:
Can't say she's afraid but she's this type that doesn't like talking, she'd rather prefer to sit in a corner and cry her eyes out. As for being successful I and my siblings are working hard towards that if not for anything for the sake of our parents. I know very well that once money comes on a steady peace will reign.

Success as a yardstick is a dangerous precedent, if you're the first son, I suggest you should speak to your Dad alone in all humility...do this when you feel he's in good mood. Then try to find out why he's so antagonistic towards his own family. Hope this helps

MrBrownJay1:
i fully understand you but you have to most and foremost consider the interest of your oga at the top, and most importantly, the consequences of going against his wishes. what you got from him is exactly that (aka the consequences of you guys doing/hiding from him something that he is against).

as much as a job is better than none, you cant use that as an excuse. that would be as foolish as me saying that lying to you is ok so long as it doesnt hurt you. you have to look deeper than that and focus on either changing that person's opinion OR get your own place where you can do what you please... but there are rules and regulations you must follow in life, and you cant selfishly do what you please just because its beneficial "to you". at the end of the day, you did something that was wrong to your oga at the top (regardless of how many people supported it).

if oga at the top knew where the money came from, he probably wouldnt borrow it.

You're just focusing only on the part that one of his siblings choose to work in a bet shop, ignoring the flaws of the dad OP talked about, "oga at the top" my black ass.

Prayer. Prayer!!

And let him know he has to pray for ripe old age and visit prayer grounds and that was where you were told to tell him this. Do not fear to approach him. Tell him how much you love him.

Your mother too needs to pray. Both have to pray together. They have to learn it. Then talk this as you stated to ur pastor. Or it mother's pastor. Or it father's pastor too. And you will be surprised..... It is better resolved now....

Be sure to return your mum's phone when you're done with it.

Mstick:
Almost 30 years of marriage and your Mom doesn't know how to work around your dad?

Weird.

Do you best to eliminate him from your life because he will keep giving you problems.

I'm still yet to understand why some people deliberately make life harder for other people.

He's not worth the stress joor.

No be person be Otedola, see how he's treating his kids. Let's even forget the fact that he is rich for a second.

I hope you know praying that he dies is not an option. So make your mind no even go there.

Well i use to believe father's at a point in life would automatically change because of age and of course, their children are grown. Well i perceive your father is someone that wants to be the centre of everything and threat in form of independency doesn't sit well with him. I would like to ask, have you challenged your father before?? Have you had a heated argument with him whereby you pour out your anger and tell him how he has been a pain in the ass in y'all lives?? I know alot of people would tell you to have a heart to heart talk with him as a son but if you've tried it and it doesn't work, you have to go beast mode on him (please refrain from hitting him or cursing him). Let's him know how bad his actions are having a toll on his children and most especially your mother, let him see that pain in your voice. Them no dey follow papa fight but clear you make him know say him leadership no pure. Give or take you should be 28 or lesser. May God guide you and give you the wisdom to put the family back in shape

Just turn back to sperm....LOBATAN.

Your mum should have stopped this nonsense after one child and left.

Supreme145:
Good day Nairalanders, there have been a lingering cold war in my family between my parents and it has created a tension in my family that as the first son I'm running out of options on how to dunce this tension. My parents have been married for almost 30 years and just like another has been full of ups and downs.

I will try not to sound biased but my dad's authoritarian nature has caused a serious crack in my our family and made my mom a very unhappy woman that is just enduring the marriage for the sake of her children. Instead of the children to find solace in our home we all prefer to be far away due to the continuous rift between our parents. My dad has never laid his hands on our mom but constantly talks down on her even in front of the kids, and knowing my father you would rather prefer to be mended with 2x2 plank rather than my father letting his tongue lose on you. His mouth is filled with venom.

A while ago one of my siblings got a job as a cashier in a bet shop without my father's knowledge, we kept it away from him because we knew very well he would object because he hated anything bet. My mom on the other hand knowing fully well that the boy has been idle for a while gave her consent reluctantly. My dad got to know after he observed that the boy was dropping money at home frequently and when he inquired about the source of the money and learnt that he was working in bet shop all hell was let loose.

He called me on phone in school, which he rarely does just to confirm if I was aware which I replied in the affirmative. He said all manner of derogatory things to me, because he felt his position as the head of the home was threatened, he felt we the children was siding my mom to override his authority in the home. My siblings would later call me the following day to complain about how he spoke to my mom, the poor woman cried for days. They said my dad would never see a dime of their money if they get rich even though I know it was childish talk but that's how serious thing are.

Almost all my siblings have grown to hate my dad though they conceal it very well. His tyrannical rule is not helping matters at all, my dad is the kinda father that if you spoil an appliance in the house, it would be in your best interest to repair it before he becomes aware because the funny part is he won't say much to you rather all the aggression would be transfered to my mom. If we use the generator we would have to replace the quantity of fuel that we used. I was sleeping in lecture hall in school, my pop man insisted there was no money and even advised I withdrew from school if I can't cope only to get home to meet the news that he just bought a land lol.

While I don't expect much from him cos I'm of age, I don't like how he keeps alienating himself from my other siblings due to his nonchalant attitude to their warfare. Those kids would spend weeks at home due to non payment of school fees but he would spend hundreds of thousands fixing his car if it breaks down.

My mom called me today in tears, p man just left the house without dropping anything for Xmas, and even a cube of maggi is not at home, and its not as if he doesn't have money, I'm away of the big contracts he's working on at the moment whereas he's been spending on his car putting it in shape for travelling him.
And he was the one that told momsi not to process her cassava and sell because she envisaged that something like this would happen.

Now my siblings have been bombarding me with complaints and this is why I preferred to stay back in school instead of traveling home.
How should I approach this issue? I can't call a man and tell him how to use his money, I've been struggling to make mine so that I can offset some of the expenses from his shoulder.

I love my dad and I understand his struggles, i know what people without a father figure goes through but how can I stop the hate that is brewing towards him from my siblings?
I want our home to be peaceful.
Please I need your advice.

So many things here I don't even know which to start from.

1. You people are wrong in the aspect of getting a job in bet shop without information him first as long as you live under his roof. So you will need to go and beg him and apologize to him and the reason you didn't tell him, you will also lie to him that you planned telling him as soon as you returned from school.

2. About spoiling appliances and using fuel the best solution is to stop touching the appliances or any of his things.

3. You also has developed hatred for him by saying his tongue is venom, which also not very God.


4. If you have truly come of age like you said, you will travel and visit home talk to him calmly as a father and tell him that his actions can cause those little children to turn rogue which eventually will dent his image. And don't go start challenging him.

Make him see reasons and not threatening him

Mstick:
Almost 30 years of marriage and your Mom doesn't know how to work around your dad?

Weird.

I tire my brother, Abeg she's the fault of the all thing.if she left since I don't think it would have been like this.her staying didn't change anything

Bignuell:
Well i use to believe father's at a point in life would automatically change because of age and of course, their children are grown. Well i perceive your father is someone that wants to be the centre of everything and threat in form of independency doesn't sit well with him. I would like to ask, have you challenged your father before?? Have you had a heated argument with him whereby you pour out your anger and tell him how he has been a pain in the ass in y'all lives?? I know alot of people would tell you to have a heart to heart talk with him as a son but if you've tried it and it doesn't work, you have to go beast mode on him (please refrain from hitting him or cursing him). Let's him know how bad his actions are having a toll on his children and most especially your mother, let him see that pain in your voice. Them no dey follow papa fight but clear you make him know say him leadership no pure. Give or take you should be 28 or lesser. May God guide you and give you the wisdom to put the family back in shape

Trust me, having a heated argument with him would not solve the problem especially when he and his siblings are dependent on him one way or another.

I'm talking from experience.

This is where I blame the mother for choosing the man and I would typically blame the man for choosing a woman like this if the reverse was the case. It's not a gender war thing.

The best way to be in good terms with his Dad is to not be dependent on him, not even for accommodation.

African mindset. "publish to his jurisdiction"

BleedTears:
So many things here I don't even know which to start from.

1. You people are wrong in the aspect of getting a job in bet shop without information him first as long as you live under his roof. So you will need to go and beg him and apologize to him and the reason you didn't tell him, you will also lie to him that you planned telling him as soon as you returned from school.

2. About spoiling appliances and using fuel the best solution is to stop touching the appliances or any of his things.

3. You also has developed hatred for him by saying his tongue is venom, which also not very God.


4. If you have truly come of age like you said, you will travel and visit home talk to him calmly as a father and tell him that his actions can cause those little children to turn rogue which eventually will dent his image. And don't go start challenging him.

Make him see reasons and not threatening him

Please stop playing the devil's advocate.

You mean a grown up man needs another person that might not be upto half of his age to tell him how his actions affect his family? C'mon!

This is like saying you need to have heart to heart talk with Buhari to tell him of the hardship in the country.

TheStakeHolder:
WHAT I SEE HERE IS A MAN WHOSE WIFE HAS BEEN ABLE TO MANIPULATE THEIR CHILDREN INTO THINKING THE MAN IS A PROBLEM.

YOU, YOUR SIBLINGS AND MUM SHOULD GO AND ASK THAT MAN FOR FORGIVENESS AND SUBMIT TO HIS AUTHORITY.

You are the manipulated one here bro.... Some fathers can be like that!

You don't value what you have until you loose it