₦airaland Forum

I and my lady has a very beautiful relationship that will lead to marriage not too distance time. I like having an open conversation with my lady. She is free to clear the air with me in all things. I see her as a friend, companion, team player, queen, and lover.

In one of our conversations, my girl told me I tick all her boxes like 80% but I should work on my financial life. I also believe in a traditional way of marriage where a man provides and protects his home. Granted I have made some not too good choices and I throw money away. This affects my pocket which my girl step in at some point. Due to covid 19, all senior non-essential staff was let off. I am without a job at the moment, while looking for a job or travelling to an outside country, I decided to position myself to earn big by learning a skill apart from a school degree. I am neck-deep into the skill and I know something good will come out of it.
My girl does have this feeling that I won't be able to provide for her, even though I am a good person according to her. I keep pushing it to assure her that she will be happy with me. Both of us have made a lot of sacrifices, I don't intend to leave the relationship.




What leads me to create this thread. I was having a conversation with her, she told me I am not "Assertive enough". I was a bit shocked. I intend to build a home where my wife is an equal partner but I am the head, my wife co-decision maker, my wife as a friend not subordinate, I am to be loved by my woman not feared. I understand Assertive to be:1 Confident 2. Forceful 3. self. confident 4. Positive 5. bold 6. Decisive
7. Assured 8. commanding 9. Authoritative 10. Dominant 11. Pushy 12. Pushful. 13. Domineering. 14. Determined.


To the best of my knowledge, I know I am decisive (though I seek her opinion on any issue to carry her along), I have built enough self-confidence but I respect people's boundaries and choices. I may be a very private person but I am bold, daring, and positive.
I never want to be pushy, authoritative, domineering, and forceful in my relationship or marriage. I want her to love me not to fear me. So I am surprised by her word. I will like to know what she means and how to make a necessary change. I notice some lapses in our relationship but I choose to allow it to slide because I want us to enjoy the serenity surrounding our relationship.

I have asked her if she wants me to be a NIGERIA KIND OF MAN not An Ideal kind of man in the relationship, she gladly says yes. So if I am an Authoritative man, pushy kind of man, domineering man, controlling and commanding man, will it help my relationship? Is there something she is telling me or I need to know? Please I need all the advice from people who are in a relationship or marriage. I am completely disturbed. I need that bashing and advice. Thanks

Everyone who has worked with me does say I am bossy, I am principled, I am a perfectionist. I never wanted my lady to feel that way. I accept most of her flaws, I only wanted to make a friend out of her.

I intend to show her this thread so we can both learn from it.

thats what she desires from you, thats the kind of man she longs for, thats the marital setup she would enjoy....and as much as this is not you, you have to understand what she is saying. she wants a man who will make all the decisions, a strong man (emotionally/financially) because thats what comes with the territory.

sadly, majority of Nigerian women would think like her...

Your fiancee wants you to lead,women wants a man they will submit to.

MrBrownJay1:
thats what she desires from you, thats the kind of man she longs for, thats the marital setup she would enjoy....and as much as this is not you, you have to understand what she is saying. she wants a man who will make all the decisions, a strong man (emotionally/financially) because thats what comes with the territory.

sadly, majority of Nigerian women would think like her...

. Do you mean she desire me to be a narcissist?

mystery22:
Your fiancee wants you to lead,women wants a man they will submit to.

. Like me being, the boss, authoritative, controlling, and domineering right?

MrBrownJay1:
thats what she desires from you, that's the kind of man she longs for, that's the marital setup she would enjoy....and as much as this is not you, you have to understand what she is saying. she wants a man who will make all the decisions, a strong man (emotionally/financially) because that's what comes with the territory.

sadly, the majority of Nigerian women would think like her...

. How will it affect my relationship with her? Will she love me or fear me?

It's nice to have a man who wants to include you in the important decisions but we don't always need to be included. You can't ask for my opinion on every matter. If it's a good idea, and you're confident that it will work then you don't need to run it by her.

Women want to feel safe and if you are able to make smart, responsible decisions then you make them and own them. Everything doesn't have to be an us decision, it's comforting to know that your man has everything under control and that you don't have to worry about certain things. I think you just overdo on the whole carry her along thing... trust yourself, and she will celebrate your smart moves.

hearttoheart001:
. Like me being, the boss, authoritative, controlling, and domineering right?

No... you confident, self assured and being able to work without supervision

I think you're a good man but you have confused confidence and decisiveness with being bossy and overbearing. They're not the same thing

See wetin the OP dey talk say he wan show him barney our response..can you imagine? Its obvious you aint assertive or emotionally superior. She has seen this flaws and women tend to become rude and aggressive if a man is weak.

. I see her as a friend, companion, team player, queen, and lover.

You see all these in a Nigerian girl


You seriously need an Optician asap!

She simply wants you to take redpill. Vaginarians love simps but they can only be loyal to alpha males.

Double0h7:
It's nice to have a man who wants to include you in the important decisions but we don't always need to be included. You can't ask for my opinion on every matter. If it's a good idea, and you're confident that it will work then you don't need to run it by her.

Women want to feel safe and if you are able to make smart, responsible decisions then you make them and own them. Everything doesn't have to be an us decision, it's comforting to know that your man has everything under control and that you don't have to worry about certain things. I think you just overdo on the whole carry her along thing... trust yourself, and she will celebrate your smart moves.

Honestly I like it when I do things without involving anyone even my family member, I needed her to have a sense of belonging. Knowing I value her input. She is a very smart person, I enjoy communicating with her, sometimes her decision is not good enough but I will fine-tune it and make use of it. Hope she will enjoy what she is asking for?

Double0h7:
No... you confident, self-assured and being able to work without supervision

I think you're a good man but you have confused confidence and decisiveness with being bossy and overbearing. They're not the same thing

I understand what you mean, but there is a thin line between these words, I never want to be a daddy who commands fear but respect.

HarunaWest:
See wetin the OP dey talk say he wan show him barney our response..can you imagine? Its obvious you aint assertive or emotionally superior. She has seen this flaws and women tend to become rude and aggressive if a man is weak.

I needed her to learn from it if there is a need for correction.

hearttoheart001

She seems attracted to you, but she also wants a man who is assertive, someone who is decisive and not a people pleaser, period. Get to know her more, relationships and marriages take time to perfect, there's no one size fits all.

I suggest you both take this personality test and discover your personalities better, and find ways to improve upon them and fit better into each other's lives if that's what you both want. https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new

First she said you should work on your financial life, now you're not assertive enough...I think you should focus on making more money and becoming successful, that's her major issue with you.
When a man becomes rich, there's always an increase in self confidence and that doesn't mean he has to be authoritative, commanding and rest.

Op you don't need all those negative traits to be ‘in charge’ of your relationship and if your girlfriend wants a toxic person, let her go and find him elsewhere.

hearttoheart001:
I needed her to learn from it if there is a need for correction.

You don't have to show her our response. Just change your attitude that's all she asks. A man has to be in charge, no be everything you see you go tell your madam, no be all your secrets she go know. Being decisive and dominant makes a woman to respect a man.
As for financial aspect, keep working hard to make your money. Don't allow any barney put you into one yeye pressure cos when the chips are down, she will fry plantain.

HarunaWest:
See wetin the OP dey talk say he wan show him barney our response..can you imagine? Its obvious you aint assertive or emotionally superior. She has seen this flaws and women tend to become rude and aggressive if a man is weak.

As in ehn. He wants to fall hand on top of the hand wey him done fall already. OP say he wants her to learn from it. No be only learn na Learners Dictionary.

He's obviously a learner in these things

socialmediaman:
hearttoheart001

She seems attracted to you, but she also wants a man who is assertive, someone who is decisive and not a people pleaser, period. Get to know her more, relationships and marriages take time to perfect, there's no one size fits all.

I suggest you both take this personality test and discover your personalities better, and find ways to improve upon them and fit better into each other's lives if that's what you both want. https://www.truity.com/test/type-finder-personality-test-new

. I will try the test. Thanks.

missimelda01:
First she said you should work on your financial life, now you're not assertive enough...I think you should focus on making more money and becoming successful, that's her major issue with you.
When a man becomes rich, there's always an increase in self confidence and that doesn't mean he has to be authoritative, commanding and rest.

Op you don't need all those negative traits to be ‘in charge’ of your relationship and if your girlfriend wants a toxic person, let her go and find him elsewhere.

I am trying to avoid flatmate or live inmate in the future. Hope she can really handle what she is asking for?

mystery22:
Your fiancee wants you to lead,women wants a man they will submit to.

. She hates the word submit. We have had a lot of arguments because of the word submit.

hearttoheart001:
I am trying to avoid flatmate or live inmate in the future. Hope she can really handle what she is asking for?

Worry less about what she can handle and ask yourself if that's the life you want to live.

Try to define what you want and try find a way to merge it with hers.

missimelda01:
Worry less about what she can handle and ask yourself if that's the life you want to live.

. Everyone who has worked with me does say I am bossy, I am principled, I am a perfectionist. I never wanted my lady to feel that way. I accept most of her flaws, I only wanted to make a friend out of her.

GboyegaD:
Try to define what you want and try to find a way to merge it with hers.

. She seems not to understand my intention and I don't know how to make her understand.

Sounds like a round about way of her saying she needs you to make more money to be the breadwinner of your home,she doesn't want to carry it all or be the major contributor.

You guys have been okay since but you stopped having money and suddenly started talking about equality and partnership maybe she interpreted this as you being okay with her bringing in the bacon more than you do. I don't know,I'm assuming.

If this is not the case,you should go after a woman who wants a man who is exactly like you are.

Proposing to change your whole personality is only going to create problems in the long run because you'll return to your factory setting after a while.

There's absolutely nothing wrong in your vision of how your marriage should be,there's also nothing wrong in her own vision of marriage .

Don't fix a square peg in a round hole,even if you two are wonderful people,it's not compulsory to be together if it's not working.

I know it is not do or die affair but we have come a long way. 2 years in it. A lot of sacrifices. There was a day I went to pray for myself, the man of God told me I am having a double mind in my relationship. Truly I was. An African American agree to relocate me for a job but I will make a baby with her. I thought about it and how my girl will feel. The man of God said I should not hurt an honest and caring woman who love me. That evening I told the lady, I am in a relationship. Leaving is not the solution, I believe we can make it work.

First, I love that you communicate well and are open about things even ahead in your relationship. It's a great place to start.

Trust me, when you become assertive, she will still complain. If this is how you want to treat your woman then both of you will need to reach a compromise. Let her know why you want it that way, hear hers and work it out.

Remember, you shouldn't model your home on that of anyone. She needs to understand this.

hearttoheart001:
I and my lady has a very beautiful relationship that will lead to marriage not too distance time. I like having an open conversation with my lady. She is free to clear the air with me in all things. I see her as a friend, companion, team player, queen, and lover.

In one of our conversations, my girl told me I tick all her boxes like 80% but I should work on my financial life. I also believe in a traditional way of marriage where a man provides and protects his home. Granted I have made some not too good choices and I throw money away. This affects my pocket which my girl step in at some point. Due to covid 19, all senior non-essential staff was let off. I am without a job at the moment, while looking for a job or travelling to an outside country, I decided to position myself to earn big by learning a skill apart from a school degree. I am neck-deep into the skill and I know something good will come out of it.
My girl does have this feeling that I won't be able to provide for her, even though I am a good person according to her. I keep pushing it to assure her that she will be happy with me. Both of us have made a lot of sacrifices, I don't intend to leave the relationship.




What leads me to create this thread. I was having a conversation with her, she told me I am not "Assertive enough". I was a bit shocked. I intend to build a home where my wife is an equal partner but I am the head, my wife co-decision maker, my wife as a friend not subordinate, I am to be loved by my woman not feared. I understand Assertive to be:1 Confident 2. Forceful 3. self. confident 4. Positive 5. bold 6. Decisive
7. Assured 8. commanding 9. Authoritative 10. Dominant 11. Pushy 12. Pushful. 13. Domineering. 14. Determined.


To the best of my knowledge, I know I am decisive (though I seek her opinion on any issue to carry her along), I have built enough self-confidence but I respect people's boundaries and choices. I may be a very private person but I am bold, daring, and positive.
I never want to be pushy, authoritative, domineering, and forceful in my relationship or marriage. I want her to love me not to fear me. So I am surprised by her word. I will like to know what she means and how to make a necessary change. I notice some lapses in our relationship but I choose to allow it to slide because I want us to enjoy the serenity surrounding our relationship.

I have asked her if she wants me to be a NIGERIA KIND OF MAN not An Ideal kind of man in the relationship, she gladly says yes. So if I am an Authoritative man, pushy kind of man, domineering man, controlling and commanding man, will it help my relationship? Is there something she is telling me or I need to know? Please I need all the advice from people who are in a relationship or marriage. I am completely disturbed. I need that bashing and advice. Thanks

Everyone who has worked with me does say I am bossy, I am principled, I am a perfectionist. I never wanted my lady to feel that way. I accept most of her flaws, I only wanted to make a friend out of her.

I intend to show her this thread so we can both learn from it.

Opeyemiextra:
Firstly, I love that you communicate well and are open about things even ahead in your relationship. It's a great place to start.

Trust me, when you become assertive, she will still complain. If this is how you want to treat your woman then both of you will need to reach a compromise. Let her know why you want it that way, hear hers and work it out.

Remember, you shouldn't model your home on that of anyone. She needs to understand this.

. If she complains I will turn deaf ears to it. After all, she wanted it

hearttoheart001:
. How will it affect my relationship with her? Will she love me or fear me?

some women love their men with a spice of danger, a bit of virility. many dont want to be abused but love for their man to put them in their place and portray that they are in charge (even if deep down they really arent). the idea that they could get a smack or a beat down if they step out of line TURNS many women ON.

the problem here is that you cant fake who you are and if you are a gentle/fair dude, then thats who you are and unfortunately some women may see it as "weakness".

Stereotypes:
Sounds like a roundabout way of her saying she needs you to make more money to be the breadwinner of your home, she doesn't want to carry it all or be the major contributor.

You guys have been okay since but you stopped having money and suddenly started talking about equality and partnership maybe she interpreted this as you being okay with her bringing in the bacon more than you do. I don't know, I'm assuming.
I
If this is not the case, you should go after a woman who wants a man who is exactly like you are.

Proposing to change your whole personality is only going to create problems in the long run because you'll return to your factory setting after a while.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with your vision of how your marriage should be, there's also nothing wrong with the marriage.

Don't fix a square peg in a round hole, even if you two are wonderful people, it's not compulsory to be together if it's not working.

I don't expect her to be an equal partner in terms of spending. She can help out whenever she feels she needs to. Things will fall in place sooner than I expected because I am working towards it. I only need a little more time. I wish you could relax and appreciate my efforts.

MrBrownJay1:
some women love their men with a spice of danger, a bit of virility. many don't want to be abused but love for their man to put them in their place and portray that they are in charge (even if deep down they aren't). the idea that they could get a smack or a beat down if they step out of line TURNS many women ON.

the problem here is that you can't fake who you are and if you are a gentle/fair dude, then that's who you are and unfortunately some women may see it as "weakness".

. To be honest, I appear very gentle but I am not. A lot of people feel I am a gentleman but I know within me that I am very rudest if I am pushed. I believe I am a leader naturally so I don't go about shouting I am a king rather my doing should do the talking. I like to earn and command respect not trying to force it down on people. Maybe I should start acting like a bully