Ok

I salute your courage in writing this... but with your acclaimed level of intelligence, did you ever consider doing business? at least to support your mum.

or scholarship exams that many write on campus?

what did you do during the strike? did you take up any job?

you can not sit and be expecting support from an invisible dad.... leave him and sort yourself out, then when you are settled find him and deal with the issues but not from a NEEDY position.

lighteast:
Good day fellow nairalanders, I have been a member here since 2013 not until I lost the account, every effort to retrieve the account never yielded any progress because I do not have access to the email used in the acount creation, so I decided to view as a guest.
I virtually sleep and wakeup here everyday, it makes me laugh, read news all around the world and learn new things everyday, infact it is part of me I can't let go easily, so that is why I decided to bring this up here as my last resort, been planning to post this for long but lack the courage , your piece of advice I shall consider because I believe we have intellectuals here, enlightened fellows who won't stoop low to degrade another.

The circumstances trailing my birth was controversial, I grew up without a father figure in my life, I am twenty three now in my third year in the university, I will try as much as possible to hide the identity of the two characters involved in my story including yours truly.

My mum got pregnant for a man which sparked an outrage some years ago, the man denied my mum and left my mum to her fate, my mum bore all the burden and tantrums thrown at her at that time all alone, she got rejected by her people, her church and friends, but she never gave up, she took me far away from home to train, in return I never disappointed, my brain and personality was too hot my teachers and classmates would wonder which planet I came from, from my primary school days till I graduated from secondary school, I never for once settled for second position in the class overall termly report.
things where going on well in my innocent mind I never bordered thinking of my life, what the future has in stock for me nor the reality that will soon set in.
Let me not bore you with my story, fast forward to my university level right now, mum lost her job and things changed immediately I got admission to study the same course my father studied, now that was a coincidence as I have never met the man nor heard anything about him, I got to find out we share same trait, same look and same level of intelligence [maybe] from a man I came across.
life became a nightmare for me in the uni to the extent I contemplated suicide on several occasions.
I could recall how I summoned courage to ask my mum about my dad, wouldn't it be fair I get to know him atleast to help ease the situation of things, like get support from him knowing full well she can't cater for my education anymore, maybe a Daniel will come to judgement through him, he is a public figure and an affluent now, but my mum said I should never think of that, that if I ever try that then bear it in mind that I have hurt her, that she will never be happy, that if I leave her after going though all this suffering because of me, she will never be happy.
life is a living hell for me, should I listen to her and keep struggling with life until I make it or throw caution to the wind and go for the man whose blood run in me, I am scared of dropping out and becoming a nobody in life, still thinking how to pay my hostel fee that is due but no help whatsoever. been at home since school resumed, I believe she is still bitter with the man, I don't know if I should get both of them to reconcile and forgive each other for my sake or should I just move on with my life, please I need your advice on this.

Wow. Your case is serious but man up and try hard to survive, respect your mother's request, because she is truly hurt and it is the man that should try to make peace with you people if not there will be ridiculing of you people.

He didn't bother to look for you for the past 23 years and you think he will want you now...hmm abeg just look for something to do to support yourself in school

I have learnt few lessons over the years and one of it constantly ring bell to my ears... Ask for help whenever you NEED one my broda.

Dont mess up ur education bcuz of ur dad VS mom issue..
If ur dad is wealthy/capable and truly ur biological father then be happy he's about to take up one of his abandoned responsibilities... You have to use wisdom tho. Balance both sides and make things look legit. Maybe dem fit reconcile cuz of u and make things right. Be wise.

Ur mom might not like the movement at first but believe me she would definitely be proud of u someday whenever she look back and remember u took dis great step to achieve ur goals in life.

I've seen stories like dis b4 that d mother hustle hard and single handedly finance her kids from day 1 thru adulthood and d father just came from nowhere. Arrange some elderly people in d family. They did family meeting with dat Woman and drage issue back and forth. Kids met their father. Everything settled right there. He made an agreement with d woman and arrange visa for all d kids. Everyone was happy and that's it!. Now how do you compensate d suffering and sorrow d woman had gone thru for donkey years all bcuz of d kids

Inside life.

Never you think of hurting that woman.

She had the choice of aborting you years ago but she choose not to.
There are many campus fellowship who are willing to help you sort your accommodation problem.

Me wen dey type so, I mold block for school, even follow Coca Cola truck to offload drinks just to sort some financial challenge.

All the best.

Hello Op
I understand how you feel and how hard it gets when you lack finances in school but first, you have to believe in YOURSELF.

Believe that there is nothing you can’t do and with the above mentality, you will see yourself working hard to provide for yourself and your mother, you are not too little to start making money, you are way old enough to make any you want.

People only wants to be part of your life only when you are successful and not when you are suffering.

Sorry to say this but your father might still not want you in his life. So give him reasons why he should be part of your life by making it in life.

Believe me, people with your kind of story always make it BIG.

I wish you well bro

What if you never saw all these coincidences (which you're yet to confirm sef)?
What if your father was never alive?

You want to look for your father after 23 years because you think he's rich?
Would you have pressed on like this if he was poor and wretched?

Dude you're the help your mum needs now. Get something doing to support her.

Papa wey no find you na him you wan begin dey use paternity beg? No fall that woman hand abeg!

If you find him just don't approach him with an entitlement mentality or start asking him to pay your school fees. Besides that, there's no bad in looking for him. You'd get to hear his own side of the story. Right now you only know your mom's. Good luck.

This is a delicate matter but your future is on the line. At this point you need your father more than he needs you. Please convince your mother to change her mind and forgive your father so that you guys can go for reconciliation.

You guys should forgive your father and pray that he will be open to the reconciliation, if he is not then move on at least you have forgiven him.

Blood is thicker than water.

The decision is yours, if you are a Christian remember this " father forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespassed again us"

Bear in mind that those who will advice you not to reconcile with your father will still not do anything to help you finish your education but will encourage u to drop out, out of pride and become a Barrow pusher n suffer until u die with your pride.

I think it's normal for anyone in your situation to be curious about their dad. The "Does he look like me?" "Did he really not want me?" "Does he regret not wanting me?" etc.

I understand that your mum is still hurting, but you have a right to know about your father. He is a part of you as well and these are questions you're always going to ask yourself.

I'd be careful and not expect too much though. There's a chance he doesn't want you in his life and you have to respect that. I'd also talk to your mum before contacting him. Let her realize that this is not just about her, but also about you. Whether she likes or not, he is always going to be their even when he is not "physically" there and you'll always have these questions.

What bothers me is you wanting to meet him, simply because of the situation you find yourself in now

Suicide you say? At 23? Do you think you are a little boy? At 23 you are a full grown man who should have already started hustling for himself since at least 18. You should even be supporting your mum financially. Your mum has probably spoiled you rotten and made you feel entitled to her sweat and others sweat that is why your focus when times get hard is suicide or go begging a man who never looked for you.

The fact is it’s better you focus on getting a legitimate thing to do just in case you get very disappointed when you go and look for him. Please get off your butt and think of what you can do to raise school fees. It’s expedient you even start working now because you entered school late. By the time you graduate you may be too old for a lot of the jobs for recent grads.

As for your mum she is holding on to a lot of anger which have driven all her actions till date. This is why I never support one parent contributing totally to a child. Both parents must always have input in the lives of their children except they pose a danger to that child. She lived her life for you which is wrong! Now you are curious about your father which is normal and she is getting hurt. I hope she is still young enough to get a life of her own as you will eventually marry and leave her to her own devices.

I did not say you should not look for your father, but make sure you get busy first before you go looking for him just in case things don’t work out. If things don’t work out you may end up being in a worse state than you are right now!

Op abeg no go destroy that man marriage
He don't need u
So focus on your life to make your mum happy

Thank u all for the level of maturity displayed so far, I appreciate the varying degrees of humble inputs and time , let me hope 4 the best.

greatnaija01:
I salute your courage in writing this... but with your acclaimed level of intelligence, did you ever consider doing business? at least to support your mum.

or scholarship exams that many write on campus?

what did you do during the strike? did you take up any job?

you can not sit and be expecting support from an invisible dad.... leave him and sort yourself out, then when you are settled find him and deal with the issues but not from a NEEDY position.

Thank you so much sir, I will give heed to this advice, I had always wanted to go into business, as for scholarship, I don't think I am eligible for it anymore, thanks for your contribution.

hopeforcharles:
Wow. Your case is serious but man up and try hard to survive, respect your mother's request, because she is truly hurt and it is the man that should try to make peace with you people if not there will be ridiculing of you people.

You are right, I have got to man up and take my responsibilities, I want to make that woman proud

Monrue:
He didn't bother to look for you for the past 23 years and you think he will want you now...hmm abeg just look for something to do to support yourself in school

thanks man

If you can drop your number or email, I can advise you. Most of the people here advising you are telling you rubbish. Whatever happened between your parents happened between them. Your mother is blackmailing you emotionally to keep you away from your father. That's wrong. That she took care of you is not a big deal. It's her responsibility. That's not the reason to keep your away from your father as a child and also keep you away from him using blackmail now you are an adult because of her bitterness.

Meanwhile you have never heard your own father's side of the story. You only relied on your mums account of what transpired between them.

Better go and look for your father and your real family and other siblings. Don't allow your mum suck you into her bitterness which from her account has kept her down and she never remarried or made peace with your father.

Look at where your mother's bitterness has brought her and ask yourself if you want to live such lonely and unhappy life.

RSVP:
I have learnt few lessons over the years and one of it constantly ring bell to my ears... Ask for help whenever you NEED one my broda.

Dont mess up ur education bcuz of ur dad VS mom issue..
If ur dad is wealthy/capable and truly ur biological father then be happy he's about to take up one of his abandoned responsibilities... You have to use wisdom tho. Balance both sides and make things look legit. Maybe dem fit reconcile cuz of u and make things right. Be wise.

Ur mom might not like the movement at first but believe me she would definitely be proud of u someday whenever she look back and remember u took dis great step to achieve ur goals in life.

I've seen stories like dis b4 that d mother hustle hard and single handedly finance her kids from day 1 thru adulthood and d father just came from nowhere. Arrange some elderly people in d family. They did family meeting with dat Woman and drage issue back and forth. Kids met their father. Everything settled right there. He made an agreement with d woman and arrange visa for all d kids. Everyone was happy and that's it!. Now how do you compensate d suffering and sorrow d woman had gone thru for donkey years all bcuz of d kids

Inside life.

Thanks for your input bro, I am grateful.

baby124:
Suicide you say? At 23? Do you think you are a little boy? At 23 you are a full grown man who should have already started hustling for himself since at least 18. You should even be supporting your mum financially. Your mum has probably spoiled you rotten and made you feel entitled to her sweat and others sweat that is why your focus when times get hard is suicide or go begging a man who never looked for you.

The fact is it’s better you focus on getting a legitimate thing to do just in case you get very disappointed when you go and look for him. Please get off your butt and think of what you can do to raise school fees. It’s expedient you even start working now because you entered school late. By the time you graduate you may be too old for a lot of the jobs for recent grads.

As for your mum she is holding on to a lot of anger which have driven all her actions till date. This is why I never support one parent contributing totally to a child. Both parents must always have input in the lives of their children except they pose a danger to that child. She lived her life for you which is wrong! Now you are curious about your father which is normal and she is getting hurt. I hope she is still young enough to get a life of her own as you will eventually marry and leave her to her own devices.

I did not say you should not look for your father, but make sure you get busy first before you go looking for him just in case things don’t work out. If things don’t work out you may end up being in a worse state than you are right now!

Thanks for your wise words, I am motivated.

Acetin:
Hello Op
I understand how you feel and how hard it gets when you lack finances in school but first, you have to believe in YOURSELF.

Believe that there is nothing you can’t do and with the above mentality, you will see yourself working hard to provide for yourself and your mother, you are not too little to start making money, you are way old enough to make any you want.

People only wants to be part of your life only when you are successful and not when you are suffering.

Sorry to say this but your father might still not want you in his life. So give him reasons why he should be part of your life by making it in life.

Believe me, people with your kind of story always make it BIG.

I wish you well bro

wow, thanks bro, I always thought of that, people around me knew too but I lack support, I don't know if my problem is spiritual because I have been through series of disappointments in life that I am afraid to push forward any further, I just pray I get over it.
I am inspired by your kind word sir.

fidorocks:
If you can drop your number or email, I can advise you. Most of the people here advising you are telling you rubbish. Whatever happened between your parents happened between them. Your mother is blackmailing you emotionally to keep you away from your father. That's wrong. That she took care of you is not a big deal. It's her responsibility. That's not the reason to keep your away from your father as a child and also keep you away from him using blackmail now you are an adult because of her bitterness.

Meanwhile you have never heard your own father's side of the story. You only relied on your mums account of what transpired between them.

Better go and look for your father and your real family and other siblings. Don't allow your mum suck you into her bitterness which from her account has kept her down and she never remarried or made peace with your father.

Look at where your mother's bitterness has brought her and ask yourself if you want to live such lonely and unhappy life.

thank you so much sir, I have seen your pm, I appreciate your reaching out.

lighteast:

thank you so much sir, I have seen your pm, I appreciate your reaching out.

Never contact anyone offline. They can say whatever they want here. Now that they have heard your father may be affluent they say you should contact them offline. Be very careful. Don’t call or go and meet anyone for advise.

baby124:

Never contact anyone offline. They can say whatever they want here. Now that they have heard your father may be affluent they say you should contact them offline. Be very careful. Don’t call or go and meet anyone for advise.

You are very silly. You think am a poor beggar like you. I contacted him to give him professional advice. I will feed your entire generation

fidorocks:


You are very silly. You think am a poor beggar like you. I contacted him to give him professional advice. I will feed your entire generation

State your professional advise here scammer and kidnapper. If you are so professional, State your qualifications and your name here so we can research if you are qualified to give advise. You want to scam and kidnap this guy. It will never be well with you and your family. Hungry miscreant looking for victims online. You can feed who? When you never feed yourself.

baby124:

State your professional advise here scammer and kidnapper. If you are so professional, State your qualifications and your name here so we can research if you are qualified to give advise. You want to scam and kidnap this guy. It will never be well with you and your family. Hungry miscreant looking for victims online. You can feed who? When you never feed yourself.

I have even looked at your profile and I blame myself for responding to a low life like you. Every animal with data and smart phone has an opinion

fidorocks:


I have even looked at your profile and I blame myself for responding to a low life like you. Every animal with data and smart phone has an opinion

You are a thief and a scammer. Why do you want to contact him offline with advise? What stupid advise is that? Nonsense. Give your advise and waka. Also try and find something productive and legitimate to do with your life or one day they will burn you on the road with tire like a common criminal that you are. Rubbish. You are the lowlife trolling the internet, looking for who to steal from. Lazy miscreant. Your mates are carrying block, you are looking everywhere to steal.

I am still waiting on the details of your qualifications that make you qualified to give professional advise.

fidorocks:
If you can drop your number or email, I can advise you. Most of the people here advising you are telling you rubbish. Whatever happened between your parents happened between them. Your mother is blackmailing you emotionally to keep you away from your father. That's wrong. That she took care of you is not a big deal. It's her responsibility. That's not the reason to keep your away from your father as a child and also keep you away from him using blackmail now you are an adult because of her bitterness.

Meanwhile you have never heard your own father's side of the story. You only relied on your mums account of what transpired between them.

Better go and look for your father and your real family and other siblings. Don't allow your mum suck you into her bitterness which from her account has kept her down and she never remarried or made peace with your father.

Look at where your mother's bitterness has brought her and ask yourself if you want to live such lonely and unhappy life.

Dear OP
after “better go and look for your father” in the second to the last paragraph, disregard everything this person I am quoting typed
Cos he kind of judged your mother without knowing her (Or do you know her Sir? )
However I agree with most of his post
(all the parts before the line I typed out)

Nobody can tell you how to feel, think and act in this case. If you want to look for your father it’s your call
If you do and it goes badly, at least you would have tried and would not have regrets about not doing so in the future
Besides, it can go well
So you can, take that shot
Good luck

At 23, you are a man. Hustle and make ends meet. I understand your where your mother is coming from because I'm also double parenting, though I won't deny them access to their father but I will definitely fill bad, if they run to him for financial assistance at 23. So work hard and take care of your mum and become a better man, father and a son.

lighteast:
Thank u all for the level of maturity displayed so far, I appreciate the varying degrees of humble inputs and time , let me hope 4 the best.

don't go and meet any stupid father, man that didn't even bother to look for you for 23 good years....my dad died when i was just 5 years old, since 2003 my mum is the only one taking care of my sister and i.


I'll be 21 this month and I'm in 200level, my mum is my God and she's the only one I'll take care of when i finally make it because no family member contributed anything to my life for the past 16 years, just do as your mom told you......don't meet any bastard father, your mum should also be your God because she has really tried for you and going to beg your dad will really break her heart. Guy try and double your hustle and become successful in life and that your foolish dad might come begging.


sorry for insulting your dad, it's just that I'm just angry. I wish you luck in all your future endeavors.

What if the man doesn't know he has a son somewhere? You are a man now so stop believing one sided stories. She is your mum and she loves you but she can't be right all the time.

Don't be so stupid not to know when to keep pride aside and think of the future of your generation. Do the needful and trust me, this same mum of yours will dance when the wrappers start rolling from you.

Dwelling on your past and neglecting your future will surely hurt your today, that's why you contemplated suicide. Be wise

I'll start with this - it is NOT, I repeat, it is NOT your duty to reconcile or mediate between your parents.

That said, your mum has also given you a strong warning. You should consider her feelings but on a second thought, you are an adolescent now. You must begin learning things about life, and one of those things is this - just because someone will feel bad/hurt about a line of action does not imply the person is right and that the action should not be taken.

Now to the main issue, I saw your thread yesterday and almost made a comment but I decided to stay my fingers so I could better contemplate the matter and be more cohesive with my thoughts (one does not just jump into giving opinions on things like this).

So here goes:
Your father is your father, nothing changes that. He remains so despite or in-spite. Whatever happened between your mother and him happened between them, it is not a determinant on who you should take sides with. In actual fact, there are no sides to be taken by you and you must understand this.
I have a little cousin, he's almost done with secondary school. His story is quite like yours but reversed. In his case, it's the dad he has been with since he was 2yrs old. Father and mother constantly fought, dad was a cheat and mom was also a cheat (this is the story depending on which of them you ask). She finally decided to leave the marriage, good decision, she left the boy behind even when she was begged by my late grandmother to take the boy, bad decision.

Enough of her story, it's the boy's perspective I'm going to channel but first i should ask you - do you think this dude should look for his mother or not?

I wish I could get your answer before I continue but time is of value to me, so I will go on to make my point.
Going by majority of the comments so far and judging the matter based solely on what I have shared, it will not be surprising that most people including yourself will opt that the boy should NOT look for his mother. The problem however is, no one knows that this woman once tried to look for her son after some years but the father prevented it and even threatened to have her legs amputated if she tries to come close again. He made the boy inaccessible, put him in a british boarding school in Nigeria and gave them strict instructions while he continued to live in London.

Long story short, everyone moved on with their lives or so we thought..but you see, a father is a father and a mother is a mother, nothing changes that. They remain so despite or in-spite. My cousin looked for his mother, how he did it and how he found her they keep saying they don't know. When I heard it, I only chuckled - I chuckled because I was finally able to tell some family members 'I told you so'. I always knew the elaborate stories that were told to poison the boy's heart against his mother, the theatrics and steps taken by father to keep mother and son away, they were only going to work for as long as the boy himself wasn't interested in looking for her.
He and I are no where close age-wise, my youngest sibling is not even close to him age-wise but I understand human emotions and desires or at least I try to. Whatever happened between father and mother happened between father and mother, you do not have the full story and probably you never will, just like my cousin.

What you know and what you only know is that you have a father, he is alive and he is somewhere. Now until he himself tells you to your face that he wants absolutely nothing to do with you, there will always be a part of you that will want to seek him out however supressed or denied that emotional desire is.
DO NOT meet him because you want his financial help, oh no. As a matter of fact, I suggest you try to sort out your financial problems without him. Yes you need the help, believe me you do and no one should tell you otherwise. I kept reading comments telling you that you're 23 and be a man and bla bla bla. This is Nigeria and at 23, most Nigerians are still fully dependent on others for survival, are still living under a roof they're not paying rent for... so I don't get what all that fuss was about really.

However, let your desire for your father not be financially motivated. You are right to want him and you should, just not right now.

Ahh it almost skipped me, your mother's feelings in all this. Try asking her this simple question - "mummy, God forbid you drop dead today, will I be allowed then to reconnect with my father?"
Honestly, her answer doesn't matter, this is one of those questions where there is no right answer. She answers yes and it shows she is being selfish, she answers no and it also shows she is being selfish. She won't even want to answer it and will try shutting you up.

Your mother will not disown you or kill herself because you sought your father out. She will be hurt, she will feel betrayed and she will get over it.

Cheers...