₦airaland Forum

Richy4:

Enjoy the rest of your day...cheers..

Richy4:
We can argue back and forth without coming into agreement ....Let me try and explain for the last time...

What I said was... He should have told you. Both of you should have been on the same page on the project.... But again...., He knows the kind of woman he married... He knows that even in 20 years time, You will never approve...considering what you have been posting here...Anyone who can read between the lines will understand the reasons why you were not told,.... you will always have a reason why the building project should not be actualized and both of you will never be on the same page...

You keep on saying that that was his parent's house... No dear... It isn't... That was his house( your house).., His Parents were only using that house to boast of their son's success...It's not like in America where when u say a house belong to a parents, it was indeed/actually belongs to parents,,...The parent cannot do anything in that house without your husband's consent.

In Igbo culture, I believe Some husband will not put their wife off while embarking on such project because they share the same culture...Again it depends mainly on the woman too...If they share the same vision and mission...

Please do not take it to heart, What he did was cultural( building to sign in a signature of a little success in his home town)which unfortunately impacted you negatively, The building did not last forever right? he will start contributing the way u wanted it after the project...

ImaIma1:
But he should have waited till they were more stable before embarking on such a project, not while she was working extra to keep them up. He didn't have to build it on her sweat and not telling her. It was not a life or death situation. It could wait.

I can't help but think that you support the guy's actions from your comments. Like igbos are meant to build houses while neglecting their families. How is that a cultural thing? It's more of a showing off thing. So that his parents can have bragging rights.

About the house being "theirs"...you should know that as a typical igbo man, he will most likely marry a Nigerian wife (that's if he hasn't done that already). So which wife co-owns the house? Let's not act like we don't know what our people are capable of.

He is behaving like the typical deceptive Nigerian man that marries a foreigner in a foreign land for its benefits.

KanwuliaExtra:
Typical of African men.
All na part of Nigerian marriage abeg.
For better for WORST? Enjoy!✅

simpleseyi:
Why should only him provide for the kids? What about the woman that gave birth to the kids? Is it not shared responsibilities again?

NoToPile:
See them making excuses for the husband, the man betrayed you OP simple, 60,000 dollars is not chicken change and the house would be a very very big one.

lefemmechoclat leaving you working double jobs take care of the finances and you guys are in debt while he couldn't assist and then uses 60k to build a mansion for his parents despite the fact they already have a home is selfishness and wickedness

I believe he is among the I must build mansion in my village, the house 60k dollars will build is it a small house, why can't he build something modest and then assist you with some of the bills.


I am not a fan of divorce I wouldn't advice you to, that man is a betrayer no two words about it, just watch your back that's all more is coming, brace yourself.

You too take care of your own end spend money on your own personal projects, then moving forward let him also pay for for the upkeep of the children.

bukatyne:
Did you read the OP, are you the husband or you just want to be unfortunate?

Abi what is the running around you are doing on this thread supporting nonsense?

My earnest prayer for you is that your wife would treat you how the OP's husband (real or fictional) treated her.

I am waiting for your loud amen.

bukatyne:


Op should know that her husband is enibari and not a friend.

GboyegaD:
Are you supporting his wickedness? Did you read he was talking about the building in the future while he was already building it? Did you imagine the height of betrayal? Are you sure the kids want to move to Nigeria in the future?

I would have asked you to define wickedness buddy ....... And make me understand how it was applicable in this case...

He can't wait for the kid's approval to build a house or if they will like to live there or not...He will need a retirement home in future with the wife( ie if she cares to join him)...I do not think he sees himself as someone that will like to die abroad....As for me, He did nothing wrong building a house buddy... The only place I faulted him was the fact that he did not inform her...

Even if he did inform her, I doubt that she will ever approve of the building project...because her priority was savings...
As for Betrayal, I did not see... Working two jobs is not an easy task,.....I loved the fact that the money was utilized wisely...Some would have used that on women and bottle you know... If he spent all his time abroad without building even a room, when he gets back to Nigeria, a lot of you will still say he stayed for million years without achieving anything.. no house no nothing.... Abeg make una free the man...

lefemmechoclat:
He could've still told me. And I am not that type the betrayal is worse than the money. I have struggled with this man. If he wou I have told me and I divorce him he still could've continued...

Richy4:
I would have asked you to define wickedness buddy ....... And make me understand how it was applicable in this case...

He can't wait for the kid's approval to build a house or if they will like to live there or not...He will need a retirement home in future with the wife( ie if she cares to join him)...I do not think he sees himself as someone that will like to die abroad....As for me, He did nothing wrong building a house buddy... The only place I faulted him was the fact that he did not inform her...

Even if he did inform her, I doubt that she will ever approve of the building project...because her priority was savings...
As for Betrayal, I did not see... Working two jobs is not an easy task,.....I loved the fact that the money was utilized wisely...Some would have used that on women and bottle you know... If he spent all his time abroad without building even a room, when he gets back to Nigeria, a lot of you will still say he stayed for million years without achieving anything.. no house no nothing.... Abeg make una free the man...

Richy4:
I am really sorry he did not tell you... I can understand how that makes you feel...I really apologize on his behalf.... He did what he has to do... please find it in your heart to forgive him... I wish there's a way I would get hold of him... so he can tender a genuine apology to you...

Sorry about that... But I will not lie to you, I like the fact that the money was used wisely... at least you can pinpoint what he used the money for,,,
But please forgive him...

NoToPile:
Bukatyne is vexed

,

Honestly the more I read her updates the more my heart breaks at the level of betrayal.


It's terrible.

Richy4:
I am really sorry he did not tell you... I can understand how that makes you feel...I really apologize on his behalf.... He did what he has to do... please find it in your heart to forgive him... I wish there's a way I would get hold of him... so he can tender a genuine apology to you...

If.your wife did this would you forgive her.

Sorry about that... But I will not lie to you, I like the fact that the money was used wisely... at least you can pinpoint what he used the money for,,,
But please forgive him...

lefemmechoclat:
I don't think I can. Cos frankly money was not used wisely. We have kids one that needs care for life and debts.i literally stopped working my second job a several months ago. If a womandid that to her husband she would be a Delilah. I worked alot and invested alot int his man and the first thing is to build a home that we won't even need

Richy4:
I would have asked you to define wickedness buddy ....... And make me understand how it was applicable in this case...

He can't wait for the kid's approval to build a house or if they will like to live there or not...He will need a retirement home in future with the wife( ie if she cares to join him)...I do not think he sees himself as someone that will like to die abroad....As for me, He did nothing wrong building a house buddy... The only place I faulted him was the fact that he did not inform her...

Even if he did inform her, I doubt that she will ever approve of the building project...because her priority was savings...
As for Betrayal, I did not see... Working two jobs is not an easy task,.....I loved the fact that the money was utilized wisely...Some would have used that on women and bottle you know... If he spent all his time abroad without building even a room, when he gets back to Nigeria, a lot of you will still say he stayed for million years without achieving anything.. no house no nothing.... Abeg make una free the man...

GboyegaD:
Did you read that the wife is also doing two jobs to ensure bills are met?

baby124:
I think the fact he did not feel he could tell you, should be where you should start from. What is broken in your marriage? You don’t expect to marry someone who has roots in another country and think they will, in future, not decide to settle there. Even if they claim they won’t, age, and experience in a foreign system will make you want a break from the madness abroad and, desire security in the familiar of your childhood when you retire.

What has been your view on relocating to Nigeria after retirement? Did you outrightly refuse and bad mouth the idea? When people hide and do big things like this, it’s either there are bigger issues in the marriage or someone is not being reasonable to understand the wish of the other.

If you marry someone of a different culture you have to be extremely flexible. Which most people are not! He’s wrong for what he did, but please confront him and let him tell you why he had to do it behind your back. I think you guys are focused on a lot of struggles in life that you lost focus of your marriage.

When you marry a foreigner, don’t trust what they say about never going back home. Every one desires to go back home eventually if they can. If their home or where they come from is not good enough for you, then you have no business marrying them o. You have to accept them completely.

Now that he has achieved that aim, make sure you give him more financial responsibility in the home. He seems to have excess money.

Richy4:
I did...According to her she stopped several months ago

lefemmechoclat:


Well apart of that is deception. He did not state he ever wanted to go back or leave to retire there. it was after the marriage he only mentioned building after some years. He carries responsibility to be honest [/b]so I can have the option to say no from the beginning
Honestly he should have been more transparent from the beginning I would.have told him to go and marry a Nigerian
[b]I wouldn't ever retire in a 3rd world country and especially with a child with special needs I can't take them there with all the services in the USA. He should keep that mind set what about the child that has higher needs it isn't all about him. It's deceptive to not be forthcoming about these things in the beginning. Ot isn't fair to me or my kids that I work so hard and while he squeezes that amount of money elsewhere. His parents had a comfortable home. I could even see 20 to 30k etc but 60k come on. While I'm working 16 hour days? Come on.

Maybe I should just go ahead with the initiative of divorce as in 20 years I won't be surprised if he says that. I really don't do good with lack of trust cos I am transparent. Marriage can't be just for one person's benefit. I am putting my kids as a priority a country isn't a priority

baby124:
If you knew you would never retire to a 3rd world country then why marry a man from one? You can’t put that blame on him, you as well did not do your due diligence and ask the right questions as the woman here. Who would be saddled with responsibility of kids if he decides he wants to go back home? You can’t despise a man’s home and culture and say you love him. That does not make sense. By the time you retire, your kids will be much older.

With your finances, do you all have one pot or 3? If he is contributing his part responsibly to the home then I don’t see what the problem is here. That means he used his savings to build that house. Did you have a prior agreement before and during the marriage that he will tell you what he does with his own savings outside of the family savings? I don’t see where he has cheated you if this is the case. Except you both share one account. He probably did not tell you because you have openly told him you will not relocate. You are both professionals and doing well, you can get care for your special needs child even in a so called 3rd world country. Have you ever even been to Nigeria?

By the way, if both of you are no longer here, wouldn’t the special needs child survive? How abled is the child? Best you make him self sustainable to the best of his ability and not coddle him like you will be here to take care of him or her forever.

lefemmechoclat:
I asked him all of this. Again I am honest and frankly I shouldn't ve held responsible for his secrecy. He never said to me his goal was to return to Nigeria he spoke as if he could never live there. That he suffered there. If his plans had changed he should have told me so I would have divorced sooner etc. He told me all he wanted was to have a big home in America and his kids etc. Like he hid that. If he wanted to move back ot Nigeria so bad in future why didn't he marry a Nigerian?

Please you have no idea the amount of financial strain I have been through and with special need child you have no idea the love and stress that comes with that I shouldn't be responsible for him being honest. Don't tie people future up so you can achieve your own goals that suit you.its not fair. Have some compassion. I worked 16 hour days to help this man and when he got a 2nd job the first thing he did was build a mansion at home while I'm still sacrificing.how is that ok?

It is ok. I understand the culture is male oriented and since he has a point to prove back home I should suffer for it. Honestly is huge. He wasn't saying all this when he needed me.

It's OK I have already called a lawyer and had them send me the retainer info. I can't do dishonesty.

baby124:
Well if divorce is your solution, you are old enough to make that decision. You already said he contributes his part to the home. Taking care of your child is not a trophy! You are the child’s parent, anyone of you can do it! That is the responsibility you assumed, while he assumed his as agreed by you two. I don’t believe that you are taking care of your special needs child alone. Does he not live in the same house with you? Did you ask him for assistance during the marriage and he did not provide?

You conveniently avoided the part where I asked you about the finances. If he’s doing his part, contributing as required and used his savings to do his own project, I don’t know what your problem is? The only thing is he did not inform you! It was his savings outside of his responsibilities at home. I am sure he does not tell you what to do with yours. He wanted to achieve that goal and he did.

One should always as a man have a place at home to stay because, at the end of the day, we are not White American. If there is racial chaos in America tomorrow and you all have to run somewhere, where will he go and what does he have to show for it? Now you are quick to want to divorce and probably take his money. Maybe he made the right decision and saw that you love this divorce angle. At least when you are asking for half his earnings he will have a home to call his.

Do your wish ma’am, all the best. You are ranting up and down about divorce as if all through your marriage you have not omitted things. He did not even lie to you. He simply did not tell you! Me, I am done with this topic sha. Do your hearts desire. I hope he finds someone whose future goals align with his and I hope you do too.

GboyegaD:
And this incident happened two years ago as well. So it was likely when she was doing all that. In my opinion, the guy is wicked.

Ok buddy.. In My opinion, I did not see an atom of wickedness in him except the communication factor....

That lady was not ready to go to Nigeria... Not in this life time.... And there's no time she is gonna approve of the man building a house judging by her utterances...... The way I see it, I believe that he knows very well whom he is living with hence his decision not to let her know....

All I see is my kids, my kids.. my kids... I have never seen our kids...Abeg... Make she divorce him already and be done with it....Nigeria is never a place for special need kids... all the special need kids in Nigeria have all been abused and the rest have all died...
I'm done talking on this thread... as a matter of fact, this is the longest thread I have ever participated since I joined Nairaland 2009 ...Mchewwww!!!! Enjoy the rest of your weekend buddy

lefemmechoclat:
Quicj to take whose money?? Without my money he wouldnt be where he is today. I sorted the downpayment on this home, his first car, the rent before we had our home and he lost his job. All my kid therapy bills that he coulrnt contribute to at the time. What about my money? Even the car he got the second i contributed money towards because he didnt qualify enough for it. Its our money, not his.He did lie. He would bring it up and say he would built in several years time and he was doing it. That is a lie. It wasn't a savings we don't have savings. That was the first 2nd job he has ever had and instead of relieving the financial woes at home that I was covering working 16 hrs a day he took That money and sent it overseas. I am primary caregiver to my kids on top of that. He promised to always be honest that is why I married him. He already has a house there.

There will be no chaos in usa. There is chaos in nigeria though. Yes he can find someone Thar will work and give him more kids while he can make others comfy in that country and all the while not save for his kids or his future. That isn't my problem. He will just have to pay me that 30k half of what he sent There without me knowing. Plus half of all the money transfers made there to other people plus the equity I get half in this house.

Husband's should be honest. I worked double to help him get to where he is and instead of helping your wife first you do for others. That says alot. He can find someone that will go for that. I'm at peace and paid my retainer. He ain't happy and I'm not either. I cannot live with someone who can LIE to me to my face. Your home and kids are first priority. Not a bigger house for a status symbol when you don't even have savings.

lefemmechoclat:
Also a home there for us isn't something we would benefit from. We make no equity or interest in the home. We may visit oniy 1 week a year and having a special need child and traveling to any country especially without supports isn't a long term goal. I just don't understand why he couldn't be honest. 20k ok but 60

Richy4:
Ok buddy.. In My opinion, I did not see an atom of wickedness in him except the communication factor....

That lady was not ready to go to Nigeria... Not in this life time.... And there's no time she is gonna approve of the man building a house judging by her utterances...... The way I see it, I believe that he knows very well whom he is living with hence his decision not to let her know....

All I see is my kids, my kids.. my kids... I have never seen our kids...Abeg... Make she divorce him already and be done with it....Nigeria is never a place for special need kids... all the special need kids in Nigeria have all been abused and the rest have all died...
I'm done talking on this thread... as a matter of fact, this is the longest thread I have ever participated since I joined Nairaland 2009 ...Mchewwww!!!! Enjoy the rest of your weekend buddy

lefemmechoclat:
I asked him all of this. Again I am honest and frankly I shouldn't ve held responsible for his secrecy. He never said to me his goal was to return to Nigeria he spoke as if he could never live there. That he suffered there. If his plans had changed he should have told me so I would have divorced sooner etc. He told me all he wanted was to have a big home in America and his kids etc. Like he hid that. If he wanted to move back ot Nigeria so bad in future why didn't he marry a Nigerian?

Please you have no idea the amount of financial strain I have been through and with special need child you have no idea the love and stress that comes with that I shouldn't be responsible for him being honest. Don't tie people future up so you can achieve your own goals that suit you.its not fair. Have some compassion. I worked 16 hour days to help this man and when he got a 2nd job the first thing he did was build a mansion at home while I'm still sacrificing.how is that ok?

It is ok. I understand the culture is male oriented and since he has a point to prove back home I should suffer for it. Honestly is huge. He wasn't saying all this when he needed me.

It's OK I have already called a lawyer and had them send me the retainer info. I can't do dishonesty.

lefemmechoclat:
So background. I am American. Haitian background. I am a nurse practitioner. My husband works in engineering. We have 4 kids. One with special needs. Married 10 years. He comes from a very poor background. I do not. We are in debt in due student loans,mortgage and our kid has medical needs and will probably need care for life. We both work and built life together.
He always said he was going to wait several years before building a home back home..he always said this. While sometimes I worked 2 jobs to make sure we stayed afloat. He got multiple job and first thing he did,instead of helping to pay debts to relieve me or save for our kids especially the one with medical needs etc was behind my back build a 60,000usd home for his parents.
Everyone knew except me. I found out cos u wen to his phone to get some pictures and found it. It breaks my heart cos we have built life together and I have struggled with this man and instead of relieving my stress so I don't have to work so hard he takes 60k and builds a mansion for parents. We have literally no savings ofr ourselves or our kids. That to me is irresponsible. His parents already had a home and we send nearly 400 a month for upkeep. Meanwhile all the money my special needs kid has is from my own pocket. We have 3 other kids without savings at all
.how could he do this? I seem to can't get over this.

GloriousGbola:
The cold truth is that Nigerian men marry Americans first and foremost for papers. Love simply does not come into the equation. The entire family will be aware of this.

Nigerian men are also from a patriarchal society where wives can literally be kicked out of the house

A lot of us can save enough money and then come home and start a business of sorts.

It is more likely the house is for a return to home plan where he will marry a 'proper' wife who everyone is in approval of. The akata can be discarded, even if children are involved.


If the man is from a poor background as you said, his parents would have been perfectly fine with a much cheaper house.

They would also have a much more casual attitude about using you. The more the poverty, the less the empathy

My advise is to lawyer up and also find out just how much your husband was salting away. The house is the only asset you stumbled on. It may be much more than that.

This is beyond a basic trust issue. Most of us in Nigeria know the score. The akata /oyibo is to be used for papers then discarded at the right time. I am suprised about the kids though. Is he a father to them?