simpleseyi:



His parents deserves everything he can afford. But, you deserve to know too. You really deserve to.

You see, in Nigeria, there is nothing like Education loans or government's subsidies, our parents sacrifice everything in order to give us the little they can. Some parents sell even their wrappers, blouses, trousers, e.t.c. to provide basic needs for their children. Several parents slave to give their children basic needs. This is why children are like retirement plans of Nigerian parents. So, please bear with him, but he needs to let you know. You and the children are his future, if he does not treat you well, then he is messing up his future. Secondly, a typical Nigerian man will not let his wife over-work, never ever, he will rather slave than let his wife over-work. You need to sit him down and talk, but divorce is the worst thing that can happen to any family. Please avoid it.

cococandy:
Go build your own in Haiti too. You’re a nurse practitioner you have the money.

Henceforth let him be the one to focus on providing for the kids.

ImaIma1:


His parents deserve everything from her own sweat abi? Her parents don't deserve anything? Or didn't they sacrifice for her too?

Please don't condone bad behaviour and say "bear with him". The man is selfish and his parents can wait. It doesn't have to be while the wife is struggling to keep them afloat. That is a terrible betrayal.

ImaIma1:


Exactly! Let her reduce her contribution since he is using it to set up his own family.

If that woman divorces him, at least he has a mansion to go back to live in Nigeria.

Richy4:
What is the need of saying that he came from a very poor background and you are not.. ....Is that information really necessary? If u were from a rich background, God knows u would not have taken out student loan....U would have been what they tagged "trust fund baby"

If your husband got two jobs, If he wasn't helping you, where did he say his money was going to that you believed without putting up a fight?... I find it hard to believe that he wasn't contributing anything at home with 2 jobs.....There are differences between not contributing at all and not contributing enough to your satisfaction...

You have the right to be upset that he didn't tell u about the building project... But he got his reasons for not telling you...Ask him why he did not tell you.... And he will give you his answers

Just so you know, that building in Nigeria belongs to both of you as well....When you travel back to Nigeria, u will find a decent place where U and your children can stay during Xmas holidays...It's not enough to divorce him... Someday, you will thank him for his foresight...

lefemmechoclat:


Ok so in a marriage it's permissible to hide things for months and even talk about it while knowing you are doing the opposite and your whole family know except your wife that hustled with you? In igbo culture a woman doing that would be almost put out.

We can argue back and forth without coming into agreement ....Let me try and explain for the last time...

What I said was... He should have told you. Both of you should have been on the same page on the project.... But again...., He knows the kind of woman he married... He knows that even in 20 years time, You will never approve...considering what you have been posting here...Anyone who can read between the lines will understand the reasons why you were not told,.... you will always have a reason why the building project should not be actualized and both of you will never be on the same page...

You keep on saying that that was his parent's house... No dear... It isn't... That was his house( your house).., His Parents were only using that house to boast of their son's success...It's not like in America where when u say a house belong to a parents, it was indeed/actually belongs to parents,,...The parent cannot do anything in that house without your husband's consent.

In Igbo culture, I believe Some husband will not put their wife off while embarking on such project because they share the same culture...Again it depends mainly on the woman too...If they share the same vision and mission...

Please do not take it to heart, What he did was cultural( building to sign in a signature of a little success in his home town)which unfortunately impacted you negatively, The building did not last forever right? he will start contributing the way u wanted it after the project...

lefemmechoclat:


Well if that is.how you want to take it. Our family should be first that is how you avoid divorce. If I wanted to be petty, I could just show the money transfers and he would owe me in court half of that 60k.

Richy4:


We can argue back and forth without coming into agreement ....Let me try and explain for the last time...

What I said was... He should have told you. Both of you should have been on the same page on the project.... But again...., He knows the kind of woman he married... He knows that even in 20 years time, You will never approve...considering what you have been posting here...Anyone who can read between the lines will understand the reasons why you were not told,.... you will always have a reason why the building project should not be actualized and both of you will never be on the same page...

You keep on saying that that was his parent's house... No dear... It isn't... That was his house( your house).., His Parents were only using that house to boast of their son's success...It's not like in America where when u say a house belong to a parents, it was indeed/actually belongs to parents,,...The parent cannot do anything in that house without your husband's consent.

In Igbo culture, I believe Some husband will not put their wife off while embarking on such project because they share the same culture...Again it depends mainly on the woman too...If they share the same vision and mission...

Please do not take it to heart, What he did was cultural( building to sign in a signature of a little success in his home town)which unfortunately impacted you negatively, The building did not last forever right? he will start contributing the way u wanted it after the project...

Richy4:


We can argue back and forth without coming into agreement ....Let me try and explain for the last time...

What I said was... He should have told you. Both of you should have been on the same page on the project.... But again...., He knows the kind of woman he married... He knows that even in 20 years time, You will never approve...considering what you have been posting here...Anyone who can read between the lines will understand the reasons why you were not told,.... you will always have a reason why the building project should not be actualized and both of you will never be on the same page...

You keep on saying that that was his parent's house... No dear... It isn't... That was his house( your house).., His Parents were only using that house to boast of their son's success...It's not like in America where when u say a house belong to a parents, it was indeed/actually belongs to parents,,...The parent cannot do anything in that house without your husband's consent.

In Igbo culture, I believe Some husband will not put their wife off while embarking on such project because they share the same culture...Again it depends mainly on the woman too...If they share the same vision and mission...

Please do not take it to heart, What he did was cultural( building to sign in a signature of a little success in his home town)which unfortunately impacted you negatively, The building did not last forever right? he will start contributing the way u wanted it after the project...

ibechris:
U need to watch him...such a man can still come back to Nigeria and marry another woman behind u.

This man didn't try at all.

This is a text book example of being wicked and selfish at the same.

lefemmechoclat:


Deserving everything is not realistic.nthry get a few hundred every month and travel when they can.they have a modest home. The sleepless nights i have endured.working 2 jobs cos of our bills and yet parents need a mansion? While I suffer and do majority of the childcare..it is depressing.

NoToPile:


Ogbeni stop condoning bad Behaviour jare, haba some of you should fear God nau.

So you are saying it's cultural to build a mansion which you have stated is for show off in your words 'signature of a little success'.

Signature of success at the expense of your wife's sweat and blood haba.

You keep saying it's not for his parents, the woman has said it consistently its for his parents, even if it is their own personal family home which we all know can almost never be , he was waiving a lot of responsibility to his immediate family by building that house that alone is the betrayal.

How some of you can't see anything wrong in all these is baffling.

Richy4:


Actually, I do not know how to pretend... I will tell you here and now that I loved the fact that he build that house... in fact 100% in support of what he did..
What I do not like is the fact that she( wife) was not informed... When you said sweat and blood, what were you implying?


<<< The man in question got one job...He had a vision on what he wanted to do, He got another job making it two to actualize his plan...
<<< The student loan in question, they have an installment plan going on......
<<<The man in question was not letting his family starve because he was contributing as well for the family upkeep which the wife will never deny..
<<<What the woman in question wanted was to put away saving for the kids...That was her main bone of contention which the man did not see as a priority..

When you said he was living on her sweat, It made me feel like the man was not contributing anything for the family...He was just channeling all he got to the building project....

I'm glad he did something to actualize that goal which was getting two jobs and also making sure that his family did not go hungry...There are still plenty of time to save or put away money for the kids...

Based on what u were saying about the woman consistently saying it was his parent's home... ask any Igbo individual how that works...They will explain to you better...If that home was for the father or for the man...

This is my opinion though...It is safe to say we cannot agree in all thing because we all are Unique in our own ways...

lefemmechoclat:


Deserving everything is not realistic.nthry get a few hundred every month and travel when they can.they have a modest home. The sleepless nights i have endured.working 2 jobs cos of our bills and yet parents need a mansion? While I suffer and do majority of the childcare..it is depressing

lefemmechoclat:

I feel like 60k was too much at the time given the amount of debt we are in Plus with a special need child you have to save for the future he would always back out of any savings talk and say after this or that. I felt that showed his family back home is a priority.


I never said he doesn't contribute he pays the mortgage but at times I did too and I paid alot of bills in the home. He didn't even want to help me to hire a babysitter cos of money cos frankly it was being sent abroad.

ImaIma1:


But he should have waited till they were more stable before embarking on such a project, not while she was working extra to keep them up. He didn't have to build it on her sweat and not telling her. It was not a life or death situation. It could wait.

I can't help but think that you support the guy's actions from your comments. Like igbos are meant to build houses while neglecting their families. How is that a cultural thing? It's more of a showing off thing. So that his parents can have bragging rights.

About the house being "theirs"...you should know that as a typical igbo man, he will most likely marry a Nigerian wife (that's if he hasn't done that already). So which wife co-owns the house? Let's not act like we don't know what our people are capable of.

He is behaving like the typical deceptive Nigerian man that marries a foreigner in a foreign land for its benefits.

Richy4:


You know that it is not really easy to work 2 jobs abroad....One is just about enough to drive one crazy... not to talk of making it 2...
He had a mission which was the reason why he got the extra job to level up...

Ask that OP very well... The man hiding where his money ways going and working 2 jobs will not like to deny his family anything...So that the constant where is your money going argument will not surface....He did his best providing which made the OP kept quite without contesting or fighting him for not doing so...

OP's anger is justified because they should be working on the same page...That's where I faulted the man...She shouldn't have heard it from outside...But OP's priority was not the man's priority...She wants to save...Assuming he waited, how much accumulation of wealth/saving will be enough to satisfy her and for her to give her consent for the Husband to start build?

As for Igbo men....I have seen a lot of them that married whites, Jamaicans and other ethnic group over 20years.. some less than that... They were faithful and sticks to their spouse like glue..... A blanket approach to this situation is not the best way forward...As I suggested earlier, she should forgive him and let whatever that bites last night to be mosquitoes..

NoToPile:



To answer your question of what I was implying the bolded below is what I was implying.




Off course your stance on the mansion issue was obvious, it's a status thing.

I know you don't see anything wrong in all this except that he should have told her now we don't have to agree everyone is entitled to their opinion after all He was just chanelling all he got to the building project while there were debts to pay.

For some of us that doesn't sound right.


Let's learn to call out bad behaviour abeg

lefemmechoclat:
In my own culture in haiti and as. Christian. Two become one. It's not like I don't contribute.i have always done my own part and more than the typical wife would do.i thini I deserved that respect as I suffered working to make sure we were ok. My kids should have money in the bank before a house

ImaIma1:


It's not a blanket approach. It's based on the many I have seen. In fact, one I know had a South African wife, a Chinese wife and still came back to marry a Nigerian wife in grand style.

That's why I said his MO is like that of the average deceptive types. Building a house is a whole big project not to tell your spouse. He didn't buy a car or a land. He build a whole house!

Did he want to marry the whole nation?
He should have told her... That's what I have been saying all through...That kind of news should be after love making...where she will not throw so much tantrums...in the morning, he will wake up early, serves her breakfast in bed and plead again for forgiveness and continue the project..

Richy4:




@ bold is the bone of contention...The genesis and Revelations of all these....The debt she was talking about was a student loan right?...
Paid by installment correct? deducted from the salary correct?...Sleepless night? We all do have one thing or the other to think about...It's not really new to have a sleepless night...
That man should be crucified if he was not contributing to the upkeep of the house, But if he was making a great effort plus the project and she sees it as not good enough, then I do not know what else to say... I stand by the man...with all my heart.

NoToPile:


SMH @ first bolded. You still don't see or cannot feel from her posts that she was working extra just to pay bills to make more money to run the home, the man makes the money and instead relieving her a bit, it's a mansion a 60k dollar house?

Does her posts sound like he was making great effort, you saw the places I bolded.


2nd bolded Yeah right, before nko

And I stand by the woman with all my own heart too.


Let's hope you hold this stance if it was the other way round sha.

@ Bold, That's why we are unique...The world would have been a boring place if we all agree on everything all the time.

Your last paragraph shows that you don't really know me that much... I don't play gender, ethnic or race card...I'm too old for that.

Richy4:

@ Bold, That's why we are unique...The world would have been a boring place if we all agree on everything all the time.

Your last paragraph shows that you don't really know me that much .. I don't play gender, ethnic or race card...I'm too old for that.

NoToPile:


Ohkayyy

Well I know you as the green font guy that's all

simpleseyi:



His parents deserves everything he can afford. But, you deserve to know too. You really deserve to.

You see, in Nigeria, there is nothing like Education loans or government's subsidies, our parents sacrifice everything in order to give us the little they can. Some parents sell even their wrappers, blouses, trousers, e.t.c. to provide basic needs for their children. Several parents slave to give their children basic needs. This is why children are like retirement plans of Nigerian parents. So, please bear with him, but he needs to let you know. You and the children are his future, if he does not treat you well, then he is messing up his future. Secondly, a typical Nigerian man will not let his wife over-work, never ever, he will rather slave than let his wife over-work. You need to sit him down and talk, but divorce is the worst thing that can happen to any family. Please avoid it.

Richy4:


Did he want to marry the whole nation?
He should have told her... That's what I have been saying all through...That kind of news should be after love making...where she will not throw so much tantrums...in the morning, he will wake up early, serves her breakfast in bed and plead again for forgiveness and continue the project..

Richy4:


We can argue back and forth without coming into agreement ....Let me try and explain for the last time...

What I said was... He should have told you. Both of you should have been on the same page on the project.... But again...., He knows the kind of woman he married... He knows that even in 20 years time, You will never approve...considering what you have been posting here...Anyone who can read between the lines will understand the reasons why you were not told,.... you will always have a reason why the building project should not be actualized and both of you will never be on the same page...

You keep on saying that that was his parent's house... No dear... It isn't... That was his house( your house).., His Parents were only using that house to boast of their son's success...It's not like in America where when u say a house belong to a parents, it was indeed/actually belongs to parents,,...The parent cannot do anything in that house without your husband's consent.

In Igbo culture, I believe Some husband will not put their wife off while embarking on such project because they share the same culture...Again it depends mainly on the woman too...If they share the same vision and mission...

Please do not take it to heart, What he did was cultural( building to sign in a signature of a little success in his home town)which unfortunately impacted you negatively, The building did not last forever right? he will start contributing the way u wanted it after the project...

GboyegaD:


Are you supporting his wickedness? Did you read he was talking about the building in the future while he was already building it? Did you imagine the height of betrayal? Are you sure the kids want to move to Nigeria in the future?

Richy4:



Enjoy the rest of your day...cheers..

lefemmechoclat:


Thanks for understanding. I had no problem with him building in the future but for the past few years I have been literally working 9am to 5 for one job then 530p to 0345a on anoth3r job. Then I during that time I would still sometimes make time to cook during my breaks and lunches. I contributed alot to the house and because of my one child's special needs was advised to start a trust fund for him. When I found out about the house it was hurtful cos there were times I would beg him to put something in my kids savings and he would get angry saying their is time in the future for that. If you are told a child needs lifelong care what should be the priority?

Like on top of his parents getting a monthly stipend of almost 400 a month I always send them clothes shoes money etx. They are not going without. They have a home. And if most of their time once they get their citizenship they will he traveling I don't think it was the first thing that needed to he done. I would have never done that to him. When I asked for money to pay Down the debts even while working 2 jobs he wanted to put me on a payment plan. Until I begged becos all my money was going to creditors for debts we incurred on my credit.

When we first me and for the first few years of our marriage I was the main breadwinner. I helped pay the wedding, I signed for fornmy own wedding ring, he didn't pay on ring until I asked him to When it was almost paid off, I helped him get to where he is and now he makes more than me. But so after all this the first thing you do when you get a 2nd job is build a home while telling me it's gonna wait..everyone KNOWS except me. It's like damn what I have done or what I have sacrifice build a mansion. He isn't even remorseful he says if it would cause us to not have anything here so what. I didn't grow up struggling. My parents were stable. I don't remember seeing my mom working 2 jobs etx.i couldn't even cook decent meals for my kids cos I was working to help out.

I just can't seem to get over this cos to me if you can lie about that you can do anything to me. A wife the last one to know. It's been 2 years and I still feel I can't trust him. Maybe I just need to divorce him. He can go and marry someone who will work and be ok with him diverting money. We can share the kids. I can't do lying. I have worked so hard.