lefemmechoclat:
I kniw but he did win. What is a child support? Max 3k a month? He got citizenship off me, a 6ok mansion ,helped his parents because i helped get him there. I have lost. I could have remained singleand he could habe gone on and married a Nigerian who wont have to guess what he is saying is the truth or not.
Now im stick with 4 kids and he can just go on. All cus i was used as a stepping stone. Im going for everythingi can.

lefemmechoclat:
I understand john. But fore apology is nothing if trust isnt there. I habe worked to the bone for his family to benefit..where is my benefit?ibak overworked. If i told my family harsh words would be said..i think if he wanted to reture there spend moeny on my sweat there he shouldve married a nigerian and not used me as a step stone

GboyegaD:


Please, if possible, don't go this route. You both should seek counseling first and see if things can be worked out.

Like I said, he's wicked, no doubt however, his thoughts could have attended from the thoughts some of the men on this thread are displaying. Let's for the sake of your marriage think about it as ignorance.

Find a middle ground that works for both parties and where he's a major contributor to the family. As it is right now, he's at the losing end since he will have to pay child support but being the money, the children need both parents.

lefemmechoclat:
Unfortunately this advice cant help me now. I married at 32 cos i wanted to be sure now look at me. I cant returj the kids now. I noy thing i can do at this point his get everything i can in court to cover these debts, get a savings going and repair my credit. Thank God i dont have to worry about buying a house my parents have 2 that are paid off nearby. I can move there. We will have to seel this

KanwuliaExtra:



Good! Then get on with it.✅
You have a plan. Don’t waste your precious time searching for any useless, lost dog!❤️

lefemmechoclat:
Ms I understand you. I really do. But communicate with him. Tell him your anger with him. Divorce isn't the option but if divorcing him will bring sanity and joy into your life once more pls by all means do it . But I still stand by my conviction that if you give this marriage a last chance you'll be happy you did.

And about your loan, you and your husband can talk and have a payment plan on how to pay off the loan. You just have to communicate.


It is right you told your parents this... I hope they can also mediate between you both positively.

#DivorceIsNot an option.





You know one thing i live by is what isngood for the goose is good for the gander. Im sure if i was a woman that did this the advice would be different. For this man to literally lie to my face while it's ongoing is something that I s unforgiveable. Its like judas to jesus except b i am human. If he can do that to me knowing all i have donenin this home and for him. He can do anything to fulfill a desirenhe wants damned how i feel. Hard work i have sacrificied for. What i see on this board is similar to in haiti. If a man builds on his famiky land a woman cant inherit or sell it and get the money in case anything happens. That is money gone to his family. Later hisbextended family could take over. Its a sunken cost. We owe over 50k to the IRS. They could literally take our home in the usa if we dkntbpay that off soon and it accrues interest. I helped him get a car and helped him pay it with my credit. It is in nigeria right now being enjoyed. Ye declined to sell it to relieve some household debt. All the work I have done over the years all my money has went into our home. His to others pockets first building another home first. Everyone knew except me that's embarrassing. I would be working 2 jobs and still he couldn't cook the kids food cos that's a woman's job. I am not Tolerating anything. I am doing damage control at this point. He priorities his famiky before me and my kids future. That's painful. I could have remained single and now I have 4 kids to raise. He could in 25nyears say he is going back to Nigeria since all of a sudden he loves his country. If he was this foretelling I would have never married him. But he got what he wanted. I rather cut my losses now.im still young. I don't have time to be worried my husband will eventually go back and to do what It hurts to know that I could've not worked and helped him at all but that was used against me.

I told my parents this morning they were suprised and angry especially my father. That he didn't like I have been working 1 to up to 3 jobs at a time and had to be financial issue and why would he be building a house with me having to work so hard. My husband told me he won't be told he can't take care of his parents. So...
quote author=ifiokjohn post=111406359] I know it's hard for trust to be rebuild but if both of you work towards it...it's can work.
Have seen a woman forgive her husband who cheated on her and broke her trust. But in the long run, she chooses to work on her marriage, forgive her husband and today they're very happy. That trust has been rebuilt.

Your husband has a fault. He cheated on you by not telling you he was building a house. You're his partner in everything and he cheated by lying. Buts it's been two years( I guess he has apologize) now is the time to let it all go. Build a happy home again. You can if you both work on it.
Ask him if he's willing to help in building that home. Let him promise openness this time around..taking you in all his plans weather present or future. .and that you will put as much work on it as he will. NOTHING MORE NOTHING LESS. let him know you doing this for your children and for the Love you had/have for him and cause you believe children grow better in a stable home.

Let him know you want to be in all major decision making.. from the money he is sending home to his parents or cousins...if you want him to stop sending money to his cousins except on dire situation then you can agree for him to send.

Marriage is all about understanding, communication, Tolerance and Trust.
I put tolerance there cause your partner will push you to your limit but your ability to Tolerate, smile and push forward helps keeps your marriage. It's both ways by the way.

Then Trust, yes marriage can not exist without trust but even trust can be built after it has been shattered. Though it will take awhile but you both are willing to work on it and from now on be straightforward with each other you can save this marriage and build a better future for yourself(Unity)

Advice him on business plans like the Real Estate and how you guys can setup in the USA.
It's possible. Make him understand it.
You guys can build a more secured future for your family.
I believe in you Guys.
I believe in marriage
I believe in tolerance
I believe in Trust
I believe in understanding
I believe in communication
A marriage can work with all this even without much love.. but where there's love and not all this...it's a recipe for disaster.

My fellow African sister, build your marriage again, your trust, your tolerance, your communication and your understanding again for the sake of your kids and the love you once had/have for him.


HAPPY SUNDAY TO YOU. MAY THE PEACE AND LOVE OF GOD THROUGH CHRIST STRENGTHEN YOU. ENJOY YOUR DAY AND SAY ME HI TO YOUR KIDS.

I'LL LOVE TO TELL YOU CONGRATULATIONS IF YOU DO MAKE IT WORK.

ifiokjohn:
I know it's hard for trust to be rebuild but if both of you work towards it...it's can work.
Have seen a woman forgive her husband who cheated on her and broke her trust. But in the long run, she chooses to work on her marriage, forgive her husband and today they're very happy. That trust has been rebuilt.

Your husband has a fault. He cheated on you by not telling you he was building a house. You're his partner in everything and he cheated by lying. Buts it's been two years( I guess he has apologize) now is the time to let it all go. Build a happy home again. You can if you both work on it.
Ask him if he's willing to help in building that home. Let him promise openness this time around..taking you in all his plans weather present or future. .and that you will put as much work on it as he will. NOTHING MORE NOTHING LESS. let him know you doing this for your children and for the Love you had/have for him and cause you believe children grow better in a stable home.

Let him know you want to be in all major decision making.. from the money he is sending home to his parents or cousins...if you want him to stop sending money to his cousins except on dire situation then you can agree for him to send.

Marriage is all about understanding, communication, Tolerance and Trust.
I put tolerance there cause your partner will push you to your limit but your ability to Tolerate, smile and push forward helps keeps your marriage. It's both ways by the way.

Then Trust, yes marriage can not exist without trust but even trust can be built after it has been shattered. Though it will take awhile but you both are willing to work on it and from now on be straightforward with each other you can save this marriage and build a better future for yourself(Unity)

Advice him on business plans like the Real Estate and how you guys can setup in the USA.
It's possible. Make him understand it.
You guys can build a more secured future for your family.
I believe in you Guys.
I believe in marriage
I believe in tolerance
I believe in Trust
I believe in understanding
I believe in communication
A marriage can work with all this even without much love.. but where there's love and not all this...it's a recipe for disaster.

My fellow African sister, build your marriage again, your trust, your tolerance, your communication and your understanding again for the sake of your kids and the love you once had/have for him.


HAPPY SUNDAY TO YOU. MAY THE PEACE AND LOVE OF GOD THROUGH CHRIST STRENGTHEN YOU. ENJOY YOUR DAY AND SAY ME HI TO YOUR KIDS.

I'LL LOVE TO TELL YOU CONGRATULATIONS IF YOU DO MAKE IT WORK.

lefemmechoclat:
Good for her. Inam not that woman. He had his cake and ate it to. Sure if it was the other way around he would have sent her packing.i wasnt taught to tolerate cos am a woman.men get beat up in haiti by a womans family if he commitsadultery. I am not building anymore i built and he took the bricks to someone else.

ifiokjohn:
nope. He didn't cheat on you with someone else's. He just built his own house.

You don't expect him when he come visitinf every year he will go to his parents 3, bedroom and stay with you and 4kids plus his other sibling(s). So that Mansion is for him, you and the kids...even if they won't come here to live but definitely they'll come for holiday to see where they come from. To know their culture and people. You don't expect them to come n stay in their grandparents house.
It's disgraceful.

I'm not justifying him not telling you but I'm saying just try to look at things from his point of view too.

Now is the time to stand strong as a family.

lefemmechoclat:
[Its not for me. Its for him and his parents.
My name isnt on it. 60k just to maybe go once a year for a week? That wasnt not an emergent thing to do. People stay in hotels to visit and go home. One of my best friends was like no when she and her hubby goes with their kids they stay in a secured hotel. Everyone i know does that. Later it will be another suprise in years time. Then i will be a fool. Again. I would never leave my kids and reture there or anything. I know that now he would love to and that is never for me
For what to party ? To exploit the poor? No im gonna be where my kids are which is the usa. I dont like being lied to i cant take it. To my face every one knew. His family even some friends knew and not me. Meanwhile i am helping you by working so hard so everything osnt on your back. Inregret i didnt say no to his proposal he could have married someone from there who will tolerate anything and not have theie life ruined. I ruined my life and im hurt for it. uote author=ifiokjohn post=111416150]nope. He didn't cheat on you with someone else's. He just built his own house.

You don't expect him when he come visitinf every year he will go to his parents 3, bedroom and stay with you and 4kids plus his other sibling(s). So that Mansion is for him, you and the kids...even if they won't come here to live but definitely they'll come for holiday to see where they come from. To know their culture and people. You don't expect them to come n stay in their grandparents house.
It's disgraceful.

I'm not justifying him not telling you but I'm saying just try to look at things from his point of view too.

Now is the time toe stand strong as a family.

lefemmechoclat:
All the people that. I know dont even stay at anyones home due to safety concerns. No one. And again he could have built but dont liento me whole you are actually doing it and 2. Denying me relief from house responsibilities. I am not workingnso your family can enjoy the best of everything. They had a comfortablehome. There are no other siblings. Again no one is saying dont built hut its the betrayal and everyone except me knowing. That meansyou could do anything behind my back. I dont know what to expect. One thing i have never done is do something for anyone and my husband not know. But i really havent had to do for anyone. You see your wife sweating working and you are building mansion. You see me carrying ny kids in run down car but you send car tonnigeria that could be sold to buy me a new one or pay down debt.no its unforgiveable. He prioritizes his parents. I would even ask he pit just 10.00 in his kids acct and he would get so angry...but never faults in sending monthly to his parents.
So you can send money to your parents monthly but you can't out even 10.00 in each kids acct every month?? Why don't they get that same dedication?? I stopped asking.

lefemmechoclat:

I am a bit scared but yes for my dignity I have to. No one in my family is divorced it's embarrassing but nothing can hurt me more than what I have experienced and I'm not open to allowing anything to occur anymore.

ThatPetiteChic:
Dear Op,

We understand your pain and financial management plans for yourself and family. No true Christian and Nigerian will support your divorce plan. Divorce should be the last thing on your mind after you might have exhausted all options available. It seems you already made up your mind before coming here to vent your anger and you need nairalanders to support you. I suggest you and your husband see a therapist or marriage counselor and give him a last chance. The both of you should come with a financial management plan where he contributes to the payment of his debt(student loans, irs, mortgage etc) and the savings of your children's future and any other bill you didn't mention.

MMotimo:
Dear Lady, your pain is palpable. I can only hope that talking it out like this is helping you, such a sad state of affairs. I am a woman like you and I can put myself in your shoes. It would hurt a lot to experience this.

I don’t have advice but I commend your fighting spirit and perhaps even more, your financial intelligence. The fact that you are still able to think clearly where the money is concerned and that you have financial records. A lot of women tend not to pay attention to the finances but I’m happy to see that you have a paper trail that can be useful if it comes to that.

As for the person telling you the house needed to be built or that your name does not have to be on the ownership documents, take that with a grain of salt. The US and EU are filled with Nigerian men impoverishing their families abroad while building white elephant projects at home for their ego and self validation and because their brains never really developed from trying to out do the village Joneses. It’s the “big man syndrome “ pretending to be what they are not. I doubt his friends in Nigeria knew his wife was working 2 jobs to enable him build the house. It’s even worse now because some of these US/EU based Nigerian men are trying to out do/compete with the buildings of established fraudsters who don’t even work for money. This is 2022, the house has to be in your name for you to claim ownership and even that does not guarantee you can take it over if you wanted to. The law is slow and not guaranteed to be fair if litigation ever happened.

If it’s in the village, chances are that marketability is very restricted, especially on ancestral land, so it’s not like you can just sell and recoup your money, never mind the fast eroding exchange rate that means the $1 of six months ago is like #580 today so the conversion would be less than USD60k sale price.

I wish you peace and I pray this works out for your good in some way.

XOXO

KanwuliaExtra:



Good! Then get on with it.✅
You have a plan. Don’t waste your precious time searching for any useless, lost dog!❤️

GboyegaD:


I would suggest you choose not to see it that way. He might not have thought about it that way and he was only following what he thought was the way to go. The very reason why I'm suggesting counseling so that you can let out your pain and begin to find way to free and ease your pains and begin to find ways to trust him again.

Don't feed that thought that he used you. Before you came here, that wasn't your thought thus, don't let the things you read on here make you feel used because many supported his ideas. Truth is they don't know your pains, they wouldn't share your pains, and neither would they understand the plights of your children.

lefemmechoclat:
You know one thing i live by is what isngood for the goose is good for the gander. Im sure if i was a woman that did this the advice would be different. For this man to literally lie to my face while it's ongoing is something that I s unforgiveable. Its like judas to jesus except b i am human. If he can do that to me knowing all i have donenin this home and for him. He can do anything to fulfill a desirenhe wants damned how i feel. Hard work i have sacrificied for. What i see on this board is similar to in haiti. If a man builds on his famiky land a woman cant inherit or sell it and get the money in case anything happens. That is money gone to his family. Later hisbextended family could take over. Its a sunken cost. We owe over 50k to the IRS. They could literally take our home in the usa if we dkntbpay that off soon and it accrues interest. I helped him get a car and helped him pay it with my credit. It is in nigeria right now being enjoyed. Ye declined to sell it to relieve some household debt. All the work I have done over the years all my money has went into our home. His to others pockets first building another home first. Everyone knew except me that's embarrassing. I would be working 2 jobs and still he couldn't cook the kids food cos that's a woman's job. I am not Tolerating anything. I am doing damage control at this point. He priorities his famiky before me and my kids future. That's painful. I could have remained single and now I have 4 kids to raise. He could in 25nyears say he is going back to Nigeria since all of a sudden he loves his country. If he was this foretelling I would have never married him. But he got what he wanted. I rather cut my losses now.im still young. I don't have time to be worried my husband will eventually go back and to do what It hurts to know that I could've not worked and helped him at all but that was used against me.

I told my parents this morning they were suprised and angry especially my father. That he didn't like I have been working 1 to up to 3 jobs at a time and had to be financial issue and why would he be building a house with me having to work so hard. My husband told me he won't be told he can't take care of his parents. So...
quote author=ifiokjohn post=111406359] I know it's hard for trust to be rebuild but if both of you work towards it...it's can work.
Have seen a woman forgive her husband who cheated on her and broke her trust. But in the long run, she chooses to work on her marriage, forgive her husband and today they're very happy. That trust has been rebuilt.

Your husband has a fault. He cheated on you by not telling you he was building a house. You're his partner in everything and he cheated by lying. Buts it's been two years( I guess he has apologize) now is the time to let it all go. Build a happy home again. You can if you both work on it.
Ask him if he's willing to help in building that home. Let him promise openness this time around..taking you in all his plans weather present or future. .and that you will put as much work on it as he will. NOTHING MORE NOTHING LESS. let him know you doing this for your children and for the Love you had/have for him and cause you believe children grow better in a stable home.

Let him know you want to be in all major decision making.. from the money he is sending home to his parents or cousins...if you want him to stop sending money to his cousins except on dire situation then you can agree for him to send.

Marriage is all about understanding, communication, Tolerance and Trust.
I put tolerance there cause your partner will push you to your limit but your ability to Tolerate, smile and push forward helps keeps your marriage. It's both ways by the way.

Then Trust, yes marriage can not exist without trust but even trust can be built after it has been shattered. Though it will take awhile but you both are willing to work on it and from now on be straightforward with each other you can save this marriage and build a better future for yourself(Unity)

Advice him on business plans like the Real Estate and how you guys can setup in the USA.
It's possible. Make him understand it.
You guys can build a more secured future for your family.
I believe in you Guys.
I believe in marriage
I believe in tolerance
I believe in Trust
I believe in understanding
I believe in communication
A marriage can work with all this even without much love.. but where there's love and not all this...it's a recipe for disaster.

My fellow African sister, build your marriage again, your trust, your tolerance, your communication and your understanding again for the sake of your kids and the love you once had/have for him.


HAPPY SUNDAY TO YOU. MAY THE PEACE AND LOVE OF GOD THROUGH CHRIST STRENGTHEN YOU. ENJOY YOUR DAY AND SAY ME HI TO YOUR KIDS.

I'LL LOVE TO TELL YOU CONGRATULATIONS IF YOU DO MAKE IT WORK.

Gloriagee:
The car you bought using your credit is in Nig Oyibo women una dey try.... all of you are oyibo to me, Haiti o etc.

Kobojunkie:
Is divorce the best you believe you can do in this situation then??

lefemmechoclat:
What else will I do? Beg for another several years for him to put away for his kids. Us and pay off the debts? Make him be honest? He isn't trustworthy.

If I was a Nigerian woman and did this to my husband would he be told to forgive?

Kobojunkie:
I honestly don't know but it just seems that divorce is you giving him an easy out after all that you say has done.

lefemmechoclat:
No it's giving me one. I'll no longer need to work severalcjobs and beg someone to put our family first. He will have to pay child support until these kids are 21 ,and he will need to pay me half of all the money spend in property I have proof of in nigeria.i will be ok. He can do what he wishes as he been doing it and hiding anyway