₦airaland Forum

Richy4:
Ok buddy.. In My opinion, I did not see an atom of wickedness in him except the communication factor....

That lady was not ready to go to Nigeria... Not in this life time.... And there's no time she is gonna approve of the man building a house judging by her utterances...... The way I see it, I believe that he knows very well whom he is living with hence his decision not to let her know....

All I see is my kids, my kids.. my kids... I have never seen our kids...Abeg... Make she divorce him already and be done with it....Nigeria is never a place for special need kids... all the special need kids in Nigeria have all been abused and the rest have all died...
I'm done talking on this thread... as a matter of fact, this is the longest thread I have ever participated since I joined Nairaland 2009 ...Mchewwww!!!! Enjoy the rest of your weekend buddy

GloriousGbola:
The cold truth is that Nigerian men marry Americans first and foremost for papers. Love simply does not come into the equation. The entire family will be aware of this.

Nigerian men are also from a patriarchal society where wives can literally be kicked out of the house

A lot of us can save enough money and then come home and start a business of sorts.

It is more likely the house is for a return to home plan where he will marry a 'proper' wife who everyone is in approval of. The akata can be discarded, even if children are involved.


If the man is from a poor background as you said, his parents would have been perfectly fine with a much cheaper house.

They would also have a much more casual attitude about using you. The more the poverty, the less the empathy

My advise is to lawyer up and also find out just how much your husband was salting away. The house is the only asset you stumbled on. It may be much more than that.

This is beyond a basic trust issue. Most of us in Nigeria know the score. The akata /oyibo is to be used for papers then discarded at the right time. I am suprised about the kids though. Is he a father to them?

NoToPile:
You know as well as I know that a special needs child is better of in the US than Nigeria, if there is the opportunity. Just saying.

As much as you don't agree with her let's still say the truth.

lefemmechoclat:


Well apart of that is deception. He did not state he ever wanted to go back or leave to retire there. it was after the marriage he only mentioned building after some years.He carries responsibility to be honest so I can have the option to say no from the beginning
Honestly he should have been more transparent from the beginning I would.have told him to go and marry a Nigerian
I wouldn't ever retire in a 3rd world country and especially with a child with special needs I can't take them there with all the services in the USA. He should keep that mind set what about the child that has higher needs it isn't all about him. It's deceptive to not be forthcoming about these things in the beginning. Ot isn't fair to me or my kids that I work so hard and while he squeezes that amount of money elsewhere. His parents had a comfortable home. I could even see 20 to 30k etc but 60k come on. While I'm working 16 hour days? Come on.

Maybe I should just go ahead with the initiative of divorce as in 20 years I won't be surprised if he says that. I really don't do good with lack of trust cos I am transparent. Marriage can't be just for one person's benefit. I am putting my kids as a priority a country isn't a priority

lefemmechoclat:
So background. I am American. Haitian background. I am a nurse practitioner. My husband works in engineering. We have 4 kids. One with special needs. Married 10 years. He comes from a very poor background. I do not. We are in debt in due student loans,mortgage and our kid has medical needs and will probably need care for life. We both work and built life together.
He always said he was going to wait several years before building a home back home..he always said this. While sometimes I worked 2 jobs to make sure we stayed afloat. He got multiple job and first thing he did,instead of helping to pay debts to relieve me or save for our kids especially the one with medical needs etc was behind my back build a 60,000usd home for his parents.
Everyone knew except me. I found out cos u wen to his phone to get some pictures and found it. It breaks my heart cos we have built life together and I have struggled with this man and instead of relieving my stress so I don't have to work so hard he takes 60k and builds a mansion for parents. We have literally no savings ofr ourselves or our kids. That to me is irresponsible. His parents already had a home and we send nearly 400 a month for upkeep. Meanwhile all the money my special needs kid has is from my own pocket. We have 3 other kids without savings at all
.how could he do this? I seem to can't get over this.

baby124:
Lol. You want to get equity in a house in Nigeria? Girl goodluck o. Plus half of care of his parents? . Either you are a joker or a dreamer. Which court will give you equity in Nigeria? Is your name on the house? Where is your proof that he used your money or his money to build it? Good luck with proving all that. All the best in your fight. If you think you can get all this money out of a divorce. You will hurt yourself and end up getting bitter. Best you try to work on your marriage and move on. Plus start loving him and his culture. You keep saying husbands should be this and that. Do you want to say you have not lied before?Are you perfect?

If you insist on the path you want to take, do update us here. Goodluck with your decisions. I think I have had enough of this, no need to go back and forth since you have made up your mind. Thanks.

Fatalveli:
Why not sit him down and question him about your findings.

No one here is aware of the actual situation of things, all we can offer is assumptions and ill advises that will probably be detrimental to your marriage. Since we aren’t in your husband head, we simply do not know his reason(s) for such action.

However, a man that has 4 kids with a woman won’t just leave, even if he falls out of love with the woman. Four kids no be beans.
But they do. I told him he could leave he won't. He can't be honest and you see your wife carrying everything on her head. I didn't see my mother doing all I do it's not right.

Also, while you were busy taking care of the kids finances, you knew he was working and earning, why didn’t you demand for his contribution?

I did but what am I gonna do put a gun to his head?
Perhaps you made him feel you could handle it all on your own. Therefore you are not free of blame either.

What? I asked him to help me I was suffering. I can't force him how am I to blame for that?thar?? So it's ok to see your wife working 16 hr days and cooking and looking after the kids? I wad cooking dinner during my lunch breaks come on.

Kindly sit that man down and talk to him. Because apparently you have contacted an attorney without even speaking to your hubby about this issue.

If his reason isn’t genuine, then you can proceed to divorce him if that’s your wish.

I’m surprised the first thing that came to your mind after his supposed betrayal is divorce though. Are you certain you love that man?

I also praise you. You are a good mom and an hardworking woman. 16 hours work in a single day.

Well maybe whatever you decide he has it coming, but speak to him first to know his reason.

NoToPile:
It's sad to say that you are right. ( let me just leave some benefit of doubt and say at least 8 or 9 out of 10 Nigerian men do so ).

There is this little percentage that maybe just maybe along the line love came into the equation but initially the aim for a lot of men was survival and survival only.

NoToPile:
You know as well as I know that a special needs child is better of in the US than Nigeria, if there is the opportunity. Just saying.

As much as you don't agree with her let's still say the truth.

baby124:
Lol. You want to get equity in a house in Nigeria? Girl goodluck o. Plus half of care of his parents? . Either you are a joker or a dreamer. Which court will give you equity in Nigeria? Is your name on the house? Where is your proof that he used your money or his money to build it? Good luck with proving all that. All the best in your fight. If you think you can get all this money out of a divorce. You will hurt yourself and end up getting bitter. Best you try to work on your marriage and move on. Plus start loving him and his culture. You keep saying husbands should be this and that. Do you want to say you have not lied before?Are you perfect?

If you insist on the path you want to take, do update us here. Goodluck with your decisions. I think I have had enough of this, no need to go back and forth since you have made up your mind. Thanks.

eyinjuege:
The house he built is for his siblings to inherit.
That will be what will happen in the end, but he doesn't know that yet.
Your feelings are legitimate OP.
If there was more than enough money in the home, without you having to overstretch yourself, I'm sure you wouldn't have been complaining.
Anyway, do what your heart tells you to. In the event of a divorce, make sure your children are well provided for.
If you decide to go on in the marriage, cut down on your hours and allow him meet most of the financial obligations at home. You will have more time to care for your kids.

lefemmechoclat:
I asked and begged plenty times. I advised we needed a trust for my special child. I advised we needed to get life insurance for him. He always declined. I told him I was burnt out he didn't care to stop and help or contribute more than the bare minimum. He was sending all the surplus he got and not caring to contribute. He literally put me on a payment plan to settle some debt he created. That I was paying the monthly bill on.

lefemmechoclat:
Yes I can definitely get it. The lawyer affirmed it already. That's why they use forensic accounting if there are suspicious of founds being hidden. It happens all the time. I just have proof. Any estate attained within marriage overseas or not if it can be tracked Yes spouses can get half. I'm still paying off debts. That he allows it sit that he made. No u have never omitted or lied to him. I don't have a situation where I have to financially support family or relatives but I have always supported him doing so. I helped him get to where he is that is why it's so hurtful cos frankly he can never go back and say well you did this to me etc.

He knows where all my money goes. He was transparent when he had 1 job and told me before he got the 2nd job he wanted to pay down bills but when I noticed none of the debts where going down and he got defensive then boom I see pics of a mansion he had to fess up.

I know he is a Nigerian like yourself however let's just say hiding things from your spouse no matter the reason is wrong period.

lefemmechoclat:
I wouldn't hold back him kids from him. He loves his kids but his priorities to me are trying to make everyone know he arrived and pleasing his father that is never satisfied at my own detriment financially and thar of our home.

Are you familiar with forensic accounting? I have all the money transfers slips for the past 7 years lf 10 of our marriage. I also have the contractors billing quote for the home ans all the pictures. The lawyer said any proof of payment overseas I can ask for half. As long as there is proof. She has done it. Also if I have proof of � being transferred to the same accounts for a course of several years it is form of liability to him in court as well. I have all of that proof. Ping accts for the past 7 years to his parents accounts.

lefemmechoclat:
So background. I am American. Haitian background. I am a nurse practitioner. My husband works in engineering. We have 4 kids. One with special needs. Married 10 years. He comes from a very poor background. I do not. We are in debt in due student loans,mortgage and our kid has medical needs and will probably need care for life. We both work and built life together.
He always said he was going to wait several years before building a home back home..he always said this. While sometimes I worked 2 jobs to make sure we stayed afloat. He got multiple job and first thing he did,instead of helping to pay debts to relieve me or save for our kids especially the one with medical needs etc was behind my back build a 60,000usd home for his parents.
Everyone knew except me. I found out cos u wen to his phone to get some pictures and found it. It breaks my heart cos we have built life together and I have struggled with this man and instead of relieving my stress so I don't have to work so hard he takes 60k and builds a mansion for parents. We have literally no savings ofr ourselves or our kids. That to me is irresponsible. His parents already had a home and we send nearly 400 a month for upkeep. Meanwhile all the money my special needs kid has is from my own pocket. We have 3 other kids without savings at all
.how could he do this? I seem to can't get over this.

abimbola74:
Please don’t take any drastic decision yet , don’t even think of divorcing him please. Think of the good things he has done in the past , think o bye sacrifices he has made in the past too. What he did is very wrong but please be mindful of your actions as this will rather change him for good or break him for life.
He must have yielded to his parents pressure of building house for them in the village , only we Africans know how our parents behave when they want something from us at all cost. Please, don’t allow the western mentality to take place where they see nothing wrong in divorce. Talk to him and let him know how bitter you are about the whole thing, trust me he will be remorseful . He must have even done that just to have peace of mind. Please give him a second chance , I know he betrayed your trust but please give him a second chance . Don’t mind those people here labeling him a betrayal and a bad man , only the person that wear the shoe knows where it pinches. These people won’t be there in your life , even God always give us a second chance . I swear I don’t mind standing for him that such will never happen again, I feel for him . Please don’t break him. Your kids deserves a one big happy family , children are the one who suffer most in divorce.

Fatalveli:
What if the property is not in his name but his parents. I mean all he does is send them money, it’s his family that acquired the property.

They can easily argue that the money he sent was for their upkeep and the house is theirs.

Don’t focus on the property he has here, trust me you don’t stand a chance in getting a dime from it.

Focus on what you will get from him henceforth.

GloriousGbola:
be very very very careful about the kids.

be PARANOID

if you need to get some sort of no fly order/flag without mom, do it.

if he loves the kids and he sees things going south, he can take the kids and run. and you will NEVER be able to find them or recover them once they get to nigeria.




The house is of no business value. from what you've said, the man is from the east and has probably built the house in his village. a nice boost to his ego, but that is where it ends. a place to go to at the end of every year and to ensure his kinsmen recognize he is a big man. Unless you can force him to sell off teh house and land and reimburse you, i am not sure how that will work

my advise would be to cut your losses and move on. anything to do with that house is a sunk cost, imho.

Fatalveli:
What if the property is not in his name but his parents. I mean all he does is send them money, it’s his family that acquired the property.

They can easily argue that the money he sent was for their upkeep and the house is theirs.

Don’t focus on the property he has here, trust me you don’t stand a chance in getting a dime from it.

Focus on what you will get from him henceforth.

lefemmechoclat:
He cant even handle the kids without me. He doesn't know what they do or don't eat their routines etc. If he chooses to do that he will be sending them back cos it's stressful. I don't worry about that at all.

Fatalveli:
I guess it’s his turn to foot all the bills. Then you’ll have enough money to secure the kids future and insurance.

If he has enough money to build mansion at home, then he should also foot all the living expenses in the house, while yours go into your personal and children's savings.

Failure to do this, tell him you will divorce him and take everything.

Perhaps his singular reason for travelling to the US is so he can be responsible for his family at home. However, the same way he is being coerced back home in Nigeria is the same way you will coerce him too.

That man is securing his future in case he decides to leave the US, you should actively try to secure yours too.

GloriousGbola:
That is all the more reason WHY you should worry about it.

As I said it is something I have seen happen.

Your children's care will be outsourced to relatives. Based on what you've said - poor relatives who are not interested in western frivolities

Or the man will marry a fresh young thing and they will become resented step children.

It is a childhood with plenty of corporal punishment and maybe some sexual abuse thrown in.

Taking care of children is hard when you are hands on and concerned. If not, it is lassiezz faire.

Please take this seriously.

Klass99:
I have been silently following this thread and the OP's subsequent posts, it is not just about the 60k and Naija house for me, but the other issues I see like;

1. The level and depth of deceit. He kept lying by saying he will build in the future when the project was on and continued with the lie at project completion.

2. His lack of care and involvement with the autistic child, Nigerian men don't deal well with this issue. 99% of the time a woman is left on her own to deal with a disabled child, I know a guy who abandoned mother and child for an easier life with another woman. I have a feeling this man has that capacity in him too.

3. He watched this woman stress and strain herself to pay their debts and bills. I suspect because the debts were on her credit card, her credibility and credit scores were at stake, not his so he couldn't be bothered. That's extreme selfishness and insensitivity.

4. How can you be drowning in massive debt and rather than resolve that issue, you go and build a house that wasn't a necessity? This is a man who doesn't have his priorities right. Personally, I am not comfortable with debt and some of the financial experts I follow online have repeatedly said, you can never build wealth or grow rich when in debt.

All around, I am not seeing any good qualities in this man to hold on to and say I will press on, regardless. I can't live a good life when single, then be in such straits while married na.

Aren't two heads supposed to be better than one again? What's the point if I am not thriving or reasonably doing well mentally and emotionally in this marriage? Not to mention financially?

lefemmechoclat:
I will consider it. Since you have said the importance. He can go and marry someone who makes him happy. I will even be happy for him. The amount of work I have done over the years and managing the home. It brings me to tears. I am a shell of the person I was. While literally a mansion is built on my sweat.

Klass99:
I have been silently following this thread and the OP's subsequent posts, it is not just about the 60k and Naija house for me, but the other issues I see like;

1. The level and depth of deceit. He kept lying by saying he will build in the future when the project was on and continued with the lie at project completion.

2. His lack of care and involvement with the autistic child, Nigerian men don't deal well with this issue. 99% of the time a woman is left on her own to deal with a disabled child, I know a guy who abandoned mother and child for an easier life with another woman. I have a feeling this man has that capacity in him too.

3. He watched this woman stress and strain herself to pay their debts and bills. I suspect because the debts were on her credit card, her credibility and credit scores were at stake, not his so he couldn't be bothered. That's extreme selfishness and insensitivity.

4. How can you be drowning in massive debt and rather than resolve that issue, you go and build a house that wasn't a necessity? This is a man who doesn't have his priorities right. Personally, I am not comfortable with debt and some of the financial experts I follow online have repeatedly said, you can never build wealth or grow rich when in debt.

All around, I am not seeing any good qualities in this man to hold on to and say I will press on, regardless. I can't live a good life when single, then be in such straits while married na.

Aren't two heads supposed to be better than one again? What's the point if I am not thriving or reasonably doing well mentally and emotionally in this marriage? Not to mention financially?

lefemmechoclat:
He loves his kids but the special one is mainly my responsibility. I couldn't even hire a nanny it's too expensive but ge had the budget to buy a audi truck for 700 a month payment. Come on.

lefemmechoclat:
Yes I can definitely get it. The lawyer affirmed it already. That's why they use forensic accounting if there are suspicious of founds being hidden. It happens all the time. I just have proof. Any estate attained within marriage overseas or not if it can be tracked Yes spouses can get half. I'm still paying off debts. That he allows it sit that he made. No u have never omitted or lied to him. I don't have a situation where I have to financially support family or relatives but I have always supported him doing so. I helped him get to where he is that is why it's so hurtful cos frankly he can never go back and say well you did this to me etc.

He knows where all my money goes. He was transparent when he had 1 job and told me before he got the 2nd job he wanted to pay down bills but when I noticed none of the debts where going down and he got defensive then boom I see pics of a mansion he had to fess up.

I know he is a Nigerian like yourself however let's just say hiding things from your spouse no matter the reason is wrong period.