₦airaland Forum

Ok but that wasnt a discussion and anyone with good money management will say to pay down debt and have your own money saved for a period before investing.

But that is by the way. I shouldnt be the one working so you can invest as you please without telling me. quote author=ifiokjohn post=111394765]maybe you can have him put most of the property in both your name and his.

Years Real Estates here is not comparable to the US.. nevertheless it'd easier here. For eg with that 60k you can have few units of houses as yours down here in Nigeria but in US ...that's impossible.[/quote]

GloriousGbola:
Akata, oyibo, kora, gaijin, kobokobo, af-onja, abo-ki, ofe-mamu - they are all derogratory slangs. And we all know it.

Haba.
Aboki has never been a derogatory term- it simply means my friend. I have lived in the North, some of my friends call me abokia, and it sure is endearing. I call a particular one same. Infact, calling people of Northern descent that was never derogatory in the West, same as Mallam which means scholar.
Oyibo is just someone of European descent. It's not a derogatory term either
Afonja is used on NL by tribalist rogues (quite a relatively recent trend actually like 8 years ago or so), because the warrior Afonja lost a war. Quite stupid thought process, as it is actually a family name. A name rich in history and a very proud lineage. It is seen as derogatory only on NL, but growing up the family have always been respected for that name alone.
A bit Similar to the name Karen that they're turning into something derogatory, but it's actually people's names.
Kobokobo, Ofe mmanu I can perhaps count as 'derogatory'

lefemmechoclat:
Ok but that wasnt a discussion and anyone with good money management will say to pay down debt and have your own money saved for a period before investing.

But that is by the way. I shouldnt be the one working so you can invest as you please without telling me. quote author=ifiokjohn post=111394765]maybe you can have him put most of the property in both your name and his.

Years Real Estates here is not comparable to the US.. nevertheless it'd easier here. For eg with that 60k you can have few units of houses as yours down here in Nigeria but in US ...that's impossible.

yes you're right. But what has been done is done. Don't let it weigh you down. Stand by your husband and grow with him he has bleeped up but now is the time to heal, grow, live and Excel.
Don't destroy your family cause of this fault of his. Let him apologise, hear him out and advice him.

Have always pray to marry someone that can advice me well financially so I can make sound financial decisions to grow me.
Now is the time for you to be that woman for your man.
That house is also urs and your children.

When the time for retirement reach, your kids would have all been grown and even ready to start their own family... Then you can choose to either move with your husband or stay in the US.

Don't let this 'Financial abuse' destroy your family.
For your children sake.... KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE!!!

GboyegaD:
He should have married his parents. So the wife's parents didn't sacrifice all, right?

Gboyegs, don't let your parents see this nonsense you posted, if they do, they will take you for a DNA.

Have you read my original post? I have 4 kids one is special needs, why would i ever reture in a 3rd world country when my kid may need me. That was never a goal. Yes whats done is done my marriage is unfortunatedone because i was broken and used as a stepping stone. I am holding him accountable and he should have thougjt of his kids when i was working like a dog for 2 years while all these money transfers occurred. I am not gonna think of the kids cos he didnt. He didnt even think of their savings, or my welbeing 7nder all that stress cos all he could think of is a building. Maybe he thought i was a suffering head but no. We are divorcing on my owk initiative and he can think about what he did and enjoy his home there it isnt in my name and it doesnt benefit me or my kids.my swear built that. If yournwife did that to you whole you suffer and hid it am sure that would call for a family meeting.

No he can go. I am not gonna suffer being treated like a workaholic for others to gain. No I deserve more

ifiokjohn:
yes you're right. But what has been done is done. Don't let it weigh you down. Stand by your husband and grow with him he has bleeped up but now is the time to heal, grow, live and Excel.
Don't destroy your family cause of this fault of his. Let him apologise, hear him out and advice him.

Have always pray to marry someone that can advice me well financially so I can make sound financial decisions to grow me.
Now is the time for you to be that woman for your man.
That house is also urs and your children.

When the time for retirement reach, your kids would have all been grown and even ready to start their own family... Then you can choose to either move with your husband or stay in the US.

Don't let this 'Financial abuse' destroy your family.
For your children sake.... KEEP YOUR MARRIAGE!!!

lefemmechoclat:
Have you read my original post? I have 4 kids one is special needs, why would i ever reture in a 3rd world country when my kid may need me. That was never a goal. Yes whats done is done my marriage is unfortunatedone because i was broken and used as a stepping stone. I am holding him accountable and he should have thougjt of his kids when i was working like a dog for 2 years while all these money transfers occurred. I am not gonna think of the kids cos he didnt. He didnt even think of their savings, or my welbeing 7nder all that stress cos all he could think of is a building. Maybe he thought i was a suffering head but no. We are divorcing on my owk initiative and he can think about what he did and enjoy his home there it isnt in my name and it doesnt benefit me or my kids.my swear built that. If yournwife did that to you whole you suffer and hid it am sure that would call for a family meeting.

No he can go. I am not gonna suffer being treated like a workaholic for others to gain. No I deserve more

I'm not supporting him. What he did is wrong but I'm saying...let it go. Forgive and forget. Divorce affect kids negatively. Your kids don't need that.
Call a family meeting with him . Talk to him
Let him start contributinv and helping out both domestically and financially.
Yes you're not a horse...you are a woman being and I understand where you can no longer take it...but ma'am, don't listen to those here, the badbelles Dem that want to spoil your home.

Save your home!

Yes and i cant take anymore surprisesand only GOD knows what thing can be hidden next i prefer to cut myoses now 10 years in. Sorry for ranting but i am not gonna be in debt or in the dark anymore. If a home there or a retirement is so importanthe shouldve been honest and i wouldve told him ti marry a nigerian andhone on my way. I dont do things deceptively to people and expect them to suck it up. No. Wjy would i retire in a 3rd world country? That the average lifespan is 55. When i have all the services here. My parenrs retired at 55. They travel, live life and are free .they have their homes paid off..they dont dare to go back to haiti and be a target and subjected to bad healthcare. I have a special need child and 3 others.i have no business in nugeria that would make me wanna leave here with my kids and live there. My parents didnt go back to haiti many do butmine help me with my kids.

ifiokjohn:
Please don't Divorce him.
You Americans any little issues is divorce. And to think you have an African Origin. Come on, you guys can work this out.
In every marriage the couple's have issues. Divorce shouldn't be an option. This is a case of miscommunication. The man was at fault. Although I still agree that he building the house is a good thing.
America is a beautiful country with every services available but Christ knows I won't want to retire there if I were to be him.

But now is not a time for divorce. Now Is the time to work n fight for your marriage.
Learn to forgive. Let it go. It been two years already.

I believe divorce should only an option when it involves adultery and physical abuse

He should have thought of saving his home. He should have thought of us firstml. He spoiled the home. How many women work 2 jobs for their men to send all rheir extra home and leave them with no savings ro fall back on. That poverty mentality. Im not gonna be guilted into my kids cos he didnt care about them habing 1 dollar for their future.no.

ifiokjohn:
I'm not supporting him. What he did is wrong but I'm saying...let it go. Forgive and forget. Divorce affect kids negatively. Your kids don't need that.
Call a family meeting with him . Talk to him
Let him start contributinv and helping out both domestically and financially.
Yes you're not a horse...you are a woman being and I understand where you can no longer take it...but ma'am, don't listen to those here, the badbelles Dem that want to spoil your home.

Save your home!

simpleseyi:
His parents deserves everything he can afford. But, you deserve to know too. You really deserve to.

You see, in Nigeria, there is nothing like Education loans or government's subsidies, our parents sacrifice everything in order to give us the little they can. Some parents sell even their wrappers, blouses, trousers, e.t.c. to provide basic needs for their children. Several parents slave to give their children basic needs. This is why children are like retirement plans of Nigerian parents. So, please bear with him, but he needs to let you know. You and the children are his future, if he does not treat you well, then he is messing up his future. Secondly, a typical Nigerian man will not let his wife over-work, never ever, he will rather slave than let his wife over-work. You need to sit him down and talk, but divorce is the worst thing that can happen to any family. Please avoid it.

Crap.

When a man marries, his wife and kids comes first, especially when he's got a wife who has been taking grenade for him, and a special child to nurture.

The husband reeks of everything an average Nigerian husband (greedy and self centered). I mean, a woman worked her butt off to take care of your kid, supports you and has been there for you. Then, the first thing you do when you stood firm is, build a house at the expense of your special need child?
Who will pay the loans he has accumulated? He wants her to keep suffering while he takes care of his extended family. How about everyone takes care of their own extended family?

The husband probably has ill intentions and may be considering running back home to take a wife or something. The op needs to be careful of such a man, he's a snake

lefemmechoclat:
He should have thought of saving his home. He should have thought of us firstml. He spoiled the home. How many women work 2 jobs for their men to send all rheir extra home and leave them with no savings ro fall back on. That poverty mentality. Im not gonna be guilted into my kids cos he didnt care about them habing 1 dollar for their future.no.

Forgive him. He has fuckedup but isn't marriage all about forgiveness?. Let's it go

lefemmechoclat:
Yes and i cant take anymore surprisesand only GOD knows what thing can be hidden next i prefer to cut myoses now 10 years in. Sorry for ranting but i am not gonna be in debt or in the dark anymore. If a home there or a retirement is so importanthe shouldve been honest and i wouldve told him ti marry a nigerian andhone on my way. I dont do things deceptively to people and expect them to suck it up. No. Wjy would i retire in a 3rd world country? That the average lifespan is 55. When i have all the services here. My parenrs retired at 55. They travel, live life and are free .they have their homes paid off..they dont dare to go back to haiti and be a target and subjected to bad healthcare. I have a special need child and 3 others.i have no business in nugeria that would make me wanna leave here with my kids and live there. My parents didnt go back to haiti many do butmine help me with my kids.

ok then. Your choice

simpleseyi:
Gboyegs, don't let your parents see this nonsense you posted, if they do, they will take you for a DNA.

My parents aren't daft.

ifiokjohn:
Forgive him. He has fuckedup but isn't marriage all about forgiveness?. Let's it go

Of course but then the re comes a time when you are being used.

ifiokjohn:
ok then. Your choice

yes

Yes i dont know what to expect anymore thats abig reason why im taking this step. If i am the last to knowabout a 60k investment when i am literallyworking 2 jobs and taking care of my kids..what else could you do to me? I am 10 years in with kids that have no savingsz trust or life insurance. That was all denied for a house to be built for others. No. No one was homeless or living in a dilapidated home that would be differentand still you would say it and rather than me work 2 job you tellcme to relax you habe a family issue and you work your two ajd get 3.

AFONAMARO:
Crap.

When a man marries, his wife and kids comes first, especially when he's got a wife who has been taking grenade for him, and a special child to nurture.

The husband reeks of everything an average Nigerian husband (greedy and self centered). I mean, a woman worked her butt off to take care of your kid, supports you and has been there for you. Then, the first thing you do when you stood firm is, build a house at the expense of your special need child?
Who will pay the loans he has accumulated? He wants her to keep suffering while he takes care of his extended family. How about everyone takes care of their own extended family?

The husband probably has ill intentions and may be considering running back home to take a wife or something. The op needs to be careful of such a man, he's a snake

lefemmechoclat:
Abimbola. I get it i used to think like this but as time has passed and there is no urgency ot get my out of this financial rute i am just broken. If you out your parents in a higher pedestal than your life then i cant convince otherwise. I am not to he a sacrificial lamb so his parents can have their desires met or aome tradition is carried out. Im second gen haitian we have the same issues but you know what my parents would never allow me to help them and my husband suffers for it. Never. Like if i told my father what am going through if I involved family he wouldn't be seen in a good way and they love him. They already don't like that I work so much I told them its for saving but it isnt.iy was to keep my home to keep my kid in therapy.
I feel used. Like literally a car I helped pay and cosigned for is in nigeria right now enjoyed when it could have been sold to pay debts. His parents already have a solid car.
quote author=abimbola74 post=111393942]
I understand your plight I swear , what he did was wrong and he would have felt the same if you had being the one who did that, I know .
Please just calm down first , please I beg of you.
I know you will be better of alone but please the kids won’t be happy seeing their parents part ways cos of what could have been resolved. Conversation will solve this and trust me he will always do anything to make you happy. He loves and you know that. Don’t break that man please , he did wrong but don’t punish him severely I beg of you. Talk to him first please . Don’t make him pay this great price because he just want to make his parent happy please. When all this is resolved , I will explain how our African parents behave I swear. Please for God sake , talk to him first . I know you are pained and you don’t deserve such but please talk to him.
Take him as your son that has wronged you . I’m sure you won’t disown your son if he wrongs you, you will rather talk some senses into him. Your husband is your son as you are his daughter also. ( African believe ). Please

I feel your pain, I will still implore you to calm down because decisions taken while one is angry isn’t good. Just take your time but please have a conversation with him.

GloriousGbola:
The classic Nigerian defence. Divorce is evil and it is better to suck it up. There are women who have been killed by psycho husbands all because society told them a virtuous woman must put up with all sorts of bs.

Also, Neither I nor my brother will be such exploitative arse holes. We were not raised that way, even if you were.

Smiles...I wish you peace of mind.
Please, you can actually pass across your message without attacking my personality.

abimbola74:
Smiles...I wish you peace of mind.
Please, you can actually pass across your message without attacking my personality.

You should have thought of that before asking if the husband was my brother. Maybe I should ask you if you woukd be happy if your daughter was being turned into a meal ticket for your son in laws family while working herself to the bone.

GloriousGbola:
You should have thought of that before asking if the husband was my brother. Maybe I should ask you if you woukd be happy if your daughter was being turned into a meal ticket for your son in laws family while working herself to the bone.

It’s obvious how bitter you are about the situation. Why u come carry d matter for head nah ?
Note this : I said “ what if the husband happens to be your brother “ *WHAT IF*

abimbola74:
It’s obvious how bitter you are about the situation. Why u come carry d matter for head nah ?
Note this : I said “ what if the husband happens to be your brother “ *WHAT IF*

Go on please.

These are the typical words the Nigerian male chauvinist throws around in cases like this. Family values, bitter - how soon before evening newspaper or old cargo enters the mix

abimbola74:
It’s obvious how bitter you are about the situation. Why u come carry d matter for head nah ?
Note this : I said “ what if the husband happens to be your brother “ *WHAT IF*

Go on please.

These are the typical words the Nigerian male chauvinist throws around in cases like this. Family values, bitter, carrying matter on your head - how soon before evening newspaper or old cargo enters the mix

ibechris:
U need to watch him...such a man can still come back to Nigeria and marry another woman behind u.

This man didn't try at all.

This is a text book example of being wicked and selfish at the same.

This might be harsh but a little bit of thought should be put into it.
But discuss with him before any action or reaction. In the end as you can see you have a lot to loose.

GloriousGbola:
Go on please.

These are the typical words the Nigerian male chauvinist throws around in cases like this. Family values, bitter, carrying matter on your head - how soon before evening newspaper or old cargo enters the mix

C’mon! I will never attack your personality. I’m well cultured. I have manners nah .
My point is we should rather help her resolving the issue rather than taking what should have been the last resolution. I wish everybody peace in their home.

lefemmechoclat:
Of course but then the re comes a time when you are being used.

please if he does ask for forgiveness. Apologize s and is Genuinely sorry... you'll forgive him and give your marriage another chance

I understand john. But fore apology is nothing if trust isnt there. I habe worked to the bone for his family to benefit..where is my benefit?ibak overworked. If i told my family harsh words would be said..i think if he wanted to reture there spend moeny on my sweat there he shouldve married a nigerian and not used me as a step stone

ifiokjohn:
please if he does ask for forgiveness. Apologize s and is Genuinely sorry... you'll forgive him and give your marriage another chance

lefemmechoclat:
Honestly I would have never married if I would have known this. When speaking to quite a few Nigerian friends they all said it's typical for men to build properties while their wives work multiple jobs or long hours.

Me being a wife and having a career I could have been a housewife and put all the burden on him or not helped at all. I didn't do that.i helped with the down-payment to our home,his first car, our wedding I paid half,paid for most of my ring cost.etc. I just feel culture or not that first money should have been prioritized to us. My special needs child has autism and literally has no money saved for his future. I don't like saying oh he has time to save int he future at the end of the day his parents had a comfortable home but if something happens to us tomorrow there is no savings. ..

I do not think he prioritizes having retirement savings paid off debts a solid trust for 1 of my kids and for the others savings cos he didn't grow up that way. I did and I take account for that. It's always money transfer to someone there yea it's small money but it adds up. It was so bad I had to turn off my Facebook anonymous messages because friends of his family etc people I never met when they couldn't reach him would message me begging for money. He is supporting atleast 3 cousins I know of monthly for money as well. But if I ask him to put money in his kids savings or for us it's an argument.

You will need to find ways to continue ALONE. He is not planning to retire and grow old with you.

When he was making his plans, you should have been making yours. There is no “we” in a TYPICAL Nigerian marriage.

You will need to continue without him.

GloriousGbola:
Go on please.

These are the typical words the Nigerian male chauvinist throws around in cases like this. Family values, bitter - how soon before evening newspaper or old cargo enters the mix

lmao

I am..im divorcing him getting my portion and moving on. quote author=KanwuliaExtra post=111402728]

You will need to find ways to continue ALONE. He is not planning to retire and grow old with you.

When he was making his plans, you should have been making yours. There is no “we” in a TYPICAL Nigerian marriage.

You will need to continue without him.[/quote]

lefemmechoclat:
I am..im divorcing him getting my portion and moving on. quote author=KanwuliaExtra post=111402728]

You will need to find ways to continue ALONE. He is not planning to retire and grow old with you.

When he was making his plans, you should have been making yours. There is no “we” in a TYPICAL Nigerian marriage.

You will need to continue without him.

Please, if possible, don't go this route. You both should seek counseling first and see if things can be worked out.

Like I said, he's wicked, no doubt however, his thoughts could have attended from the thoughts some of the men on this thread are displaying. Let's for the sake of your marriage think about it as ignorance.

Find a middle ground that works for both parties and where he's a major contributor to the family. As it is right now, he's at the losing end since he will have to pay child support but being the money, the children need both parents.

I kniw but he did win. What is a child support? Max 3k a month? He got citizenship off me, a 6ok mansion ,helped his parents because i helped get him there. I have lost. I could have remained singleand he could habe gone on and married a Nigerian who wont have to guess what he is saying is the truth or not.
Now im stick with 4 kids and he can just go on. All cus i was used as a stepping stone. Im going for everythingi can.

GboyegaD:
Please, if possible, don't go this route. You both should seek counseling first and see if things can be worked out.

Like I said, he's wicked, no doubt however, his thoughts could have attended from the thoughts some of the men on this thread are displaying. Let's for the sake of your marriage think about it as ignorance.

Find a middle ground that works for both parties and where he's a major contributor to the family. As it is right now, he's at the losing end since he will have to pay child support but being the money, the children need both parents.

Yes i have alot to lose i have already lost though i have suffered financially ij the marriage more than i did single. Gained a ton of debt 4 kids etc. While using me as a stepstone he got citizenship, support and building property without me knowing. Good exchange right? I have already lostm he couldve left me alone and married a nugerian to whomhe can treat anyhow. So once this gets going, I'm goingfor my half of this home i helped him get, payback on the first car he got that i helped pay off that he sent to nigeria, child support and half of all ping transfersnfor the making of this home in nigeria. He can walk away freely and start a new life. I cant. I feel used.

yuping:
This might be harsh but a little bit of thought should be put into it.
But discuss with him before any action or reaction. In the end as you can see you have a lot to loose.

lefemmechoclat:
I kniw but he did win. What is a child support? Max 3k a month? He got citizenship off me, a 6ok mansion ,helped his parents because i helped get him there. I have lost. I could have remained singleand he could habe gone on and married a Nigerian who wont have to guess what he is saying is the truth or not.
Now im stick with 4 kids and he can just go on. All cus i was used as a stepping stone. Im going for everythingi can.

Is divorce the best you believe you can do in this situation then??