Good evening NL fam
So I have this question that has been bothering my mind lately. How does one cope with emotional blackmail? Especially when they are soft-hearted and don't want to hurt anyone, especially those people really close to them? The reason I'm asking this is because of an experience that a friend shared with me of recent.
Warning: This is a pretty lengthy write-up so... take note abeg.


He just finished highschool, and was compelled to travel from the east to a middle belt state to spend sometime with his father. He's been there for two months straight now, and it's been a rather bittersweet experience for him. Bitter in the sense that he is overwhelmed by his father's tyrannical tendencies and fault finding abilities, and sweet in the sense that he's got to see a loving side of his pops that he never got to experience because of his parents seperation. However, he now wants to go back home and these are some of the reasons he laid out to me.
*First of all, he can't cope with the fact that his father never seems to be satisfied with him in anyway. He's always complaining about the way he walks, the way he talks, his dressing.... infact anything you can think off that is ridiculous to complain about. The other day, he said my friend should have done the sciences instead of arts because the arts are for women. Ridiculous, isn't it? The boy is already starting to loose self esteem because of the many things his dad calls him out on. It's as if he can never be truly man enough, and that has prevented him from being his true self. He doesn't want him to have any female friends, doesn't want him to have a social life. Honestly, it's pretty disturbing.

*Secondly, my friend explained that it tears him apart whenever he sees his father and his new wife rapour properly like a couple should. The reason for this is that when his parents were still together, it was always fighting here and there and he could never remember a time when they actually sat down and had a conversation like decent human beings. It hurts him when he remembers how messed up and violent his childhood was because of the constant squabbles. And the irony is that at the end of the day, his father got settled down with someone who loves him to the moon and back, while his mother ended up alone, with only her son by her side. Now said son is about to leave and start school soon.

*The third and final reason is that his financial life is suffering. Since he finished highschool, he hasn't made a single penny. His original plan was to teach and save up some money, but his trip hampered that. His dad set up a popcorn business for him however, but it's been doing very poorly so far, and it honestly seems like a hopeless waste of time. Would it not be better for him to go back and start the teaching he had in mind all along? Instead of wasting his precious time on a business with low success prospects?

The reason for this title is because the last time he had brought up the idea of leaving, his father had threatened to block his number and cut off all ties with him. Now he's terrified of what would happen if he goes and registers for a schools Post Utme and chooses not to return. All in all, he's not a happy guy, and he knows that if he makes a mistake and returns after leaving, he'll be here for a very very long time and be subjected to a life of depression.

So how do you guys cope with emotional blackmail? So sorry for the long write-up guys, just trying to help a friend.

Thanks you.

Is your "friend's" mum all alone?
Why does your "friend's" dad want to keep him away from his mother?
Can your "friend's" mum support him by herself?
I think your "friend" should choose to be where he's at peace and feels loved the most.

As for your "friend's" parent's relationship, they simply were not compatible, so he shouldn't let it affect him too much.

mariahAngel:
Is your "friend's" mum all alone?
Why does your "friend's" dad want to keep him away from his mother?
I think your "friend" should choose to be where he's at peace and feels loved the most.

As for your "friend's" parent's relationship, they simply were not compatible, so he shouldn't let it affect him too much.

Yes, she is..
And as per the second question, I don't know his exact reason but I think it's not so much the fact that he wants to keep him away from his mother, than the fact that since he came, his business has grown sporadically because he's always staying at his father's shop. Something that he didn't have time for in the past. And maybe he also missed his son? I'm not so sure

Wizzyonyxphoenix:


Yes, she is..
And as per the second question, I don't know his exact reason but I think it's not so much the fact that he wants to keep him away from his mother, than the fact that since he came, his business has grown sporadically because he's always staying at his father's shop. Something that he didn't have time for in the past. And maybe he also missed his son? I'm not so sure

Would he be allowed to visit his mum whenever he wants?
How does the mum feel about everything (the possibility of her son staying more with his father)?
Does your "friend" communicate often with his mum?

mariahAngel:


Would he be allowed to visit his mum whenever he wants?
How does the mum feel about everything (the possibility of her son staying more with his father)?
Does your "friend" communicate often with his mum?

Of course he wouldn't. Because of transport costs and all that..
And his mum would feel absolutely terrible if he stays more with him. She's alone, remember? And she's already used to his presence since he grew up with her
Yes, he does. On phone

Wizzyonyxphoenix:


Of course he wouldn't. Because of transport costs and all that..
And his mum would feel absolutely terrible if he stays more with him. She's alone, remember? And she's already used to his presence since he grew up with her
Yes, he does. On phone

What does he really want?
I think he should choose what is best for his future.

Wizzyonyxphoenix:


Of course he wouldn't. Because of transport costs and all that..
And his mum would feel absolutely terrible if he stays more with him. She's alone, remember? And she's already used to his presence since he grew up with her
Yes, he does. On phone

1. On your first point of the corrections the father is giving him. He should please listen to most of what the father is telling him. It's for your friend best interest in future.

Apart from arts or science study stuff, all other guidance his father is giving him as you described here are in order. I think as a boy being raised by a single mother, alot of your friend's behavior is getting derailed. He honestly needs his father advise at this point of his life before it's too late.

2. Tell him never get worried or involved in the problem between his parents. He will not understand it now until he has come of age. He should love both of his parents irrespective of whatever happened in their union.

3. On the business. Business is always very risky and mostly not for everyone. If the business is not working out for him, he should go for the teaching job.

In summary, at this stage of his life, he needs his father's guidance alot as he is growing to become a man. He should be humble and know that his dad is giving his best advise. If he disagrees with any of his father's advise, he should politely talk it through with his dad and not see it as if the old man is disturbing his life.

Wizzyonyxphoenix:


Of course he wouldn't. Because of transport costs and all that..
And his mum would feel absolutely terrible if he stays more with him. She's alone, remember? And she's already used to his presence since he grew up with her
Yes, he does. On phone

He cannot live with his mother forever. Likewise, he cannot live with his father forever.

He has lived with her up until now. He has received motherly upbringing. It's time for him to get some fatherly upbringing as well.

He should be visiting his mother from time to time. Technology has even made this very easy these days. He can voice or video call his mother as he wishes to complement the physical visits.

It's that time of his life to start growing to become a man instead of a mama's boy.

@Op you have been raised as an only child/son all your life by your mother alone so its safe to assume you lack "proper" home training as your mom would definitely have pampered you.
Unfortunately, you are a man, so no matter how much your mom tries, you can only learn to be a man from a man.

You father is training you like a man and correcting you, you should be grateful and listen to him.

The fact he has moved on with his life and has a wife who loves and respects him while your mom used to be a thorn in his flesh should tell you you are better off listening to him and learning from him and that your mom was probably the problem why their marriage crashed.

The corrections he is giving you is because he wants you to turn out good so humble yourself and learn from him since he seems to be a responsible man contrary to the majority of men we have out there today.

Consider yourself lucky.