₦airaland Forum

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Wifey123:
I’m a black American, living in Nigeria with my husband, who is Nigerian. Today, we had a misunderstanding. I was trying to explain something that happened with the POS decline when I bought something. I was trying to explain and he was getting angry with me because he felt that I was not explaining well. He kept harping on it even though I repeated the amount at least 3 times. I’d also bought him a meat pie and I was tired of him being mad over me not explaining properly because I couldn’t figure out how I could have been more clear. I said:

“Just shut up and eat the meat pie.”

I immediately regretted that I said something so disrespectful to my husband and I apologized. He threw the meat pie out of the window and started yelling at me while we were in the call. Called me names and who am I, that I would never disrespect him again. That I’m a stupid and useless mother. I apologized again and started to cry. He told me to “Shut the F*** up.” He threatened to punch me and then he slapped me in the face. He said that this is Nigeria, not America and he could “break my head and nothing was going to happen.” He told me “Fu** me a million times. He said that the marriage is over and that I won’t see him again.

We got home he said that this was the third time that I told him to shut up and that this was how it starts. He’s right, I did say it twice before over the past year but in my defense, I said it while he was yelling at me, calling me names and saying that I was useless. I never called him names or raised my voice or had any insults. He admitted that he gets angry and before promised that he will not insult me or tell me “F*** you” again.

He was packing a bag in our room. I apologized profusely and cried and begged him not to leave. I said that I was so sorry and I’d never disrespect him again. He said that I should leave too. He threw two bank cards at me and said that I could use those until I decide to leave our house. I took this as him telling me to go back home to America as I have no where to go here.

I started sobbing then. I followed him to the car and begged him not to leave. That I didn’t want to end our marriage. He told me that he will not tolerate disrespect and that we needed a break. That I talk to him like a child? I don’t know what he’s referring to and he had never said that before. I always do whatever he asks, whenever he asks and I never intended to disrespect him. Then he told me to get out of the car. He drove away.

Now that he’s gone and my face is still sore from being slapped, I’m thinking hard about this. I messed up by being disrespectful. However the anger that he showed was next level. I have never been hit before, he never even threatened to hit me before he even threatened to punch me. This man who loved me just this morning. This man who said he wanted to thank my mother for giving him such an amazing wife. Now essentially acted as if he hates me. Violence is usually progressive. A slap, then a punch, then it goes on from there. I don’t know what to do. Should I go home. My family will tell me to leave. I can’t believe that this happened. I lost my marriage within 15 minutes? Should I leave and go to an Airbnb? What if he turns off the cards? How will I even get cash? I don’t know what to do so I’m asking strangers.

Questions that people will likely have: My husband and I have known each other for 7 years, mostly as friends long distance. Married for under 2 years. This is not an age gap relationship or anything. We are the same age. We never filed for him to come to America or anything and that wasn’t in our plans.

Hmmmm

If he is losing his temper over a simple POS declined, I'm not sure he is the right man for you.

Anyway, you should think long and hard about whether you should be in this relationship. If you can't, better walk away.

Thank you for responding. I really just don’t want a failed marriage. Is there any way to fix this so it wouldn’t happen again? He gets angry and says terrible things but usually he calms down later. I mostly say nothing when that happens but I was tired of the argument just was happening over nothing. He’s never hit me before.

Kobonaire4:
Hmmmm

If he is losing his temper over a simple POS declined, I'm not sure he is the right man for you.

Anyway, you should think long and hard about whether you should be in this relationship. If you can't, better walk away.

It's very concerning just how rapidly the misunderstanding progressed.

It appears that he has a very fragile ego and it would be extremely difficult not to have this ego bruised from time to time. He can't deprive you of the right to get angry, but then, can you guarantee you'll be able to avoid saying hurtful things in the heat of the moment?

It's a slippery slope here, and If you choose to go ahead with the marriage, then you have some serious decisions to make.

I can understand the fear of losing your marriage over what was supposedly a minor misunderstanding, but then, physical violence has been involved here and you need to thoroughly scrutinise your decision. If he couldn't restrain himself on this, then I wonder what else he has in store.

Nonetheless, it's still possible to salvage the situation if you decide to forge ahead, but it's very advisable that you observe first to be sure that he also wants it as much as you do to avoid putting yourself in a slave-master situation. You can remain in the house for a while to give him time for reflection and for him to possibly reach out. And ensure he agrees to a serious and long term counselling.

Wifey123:
Questions that people will likely have: My husband and I have known each other for 7 years, mostly as friends long distance. Married for under 2 years. This is not an age gap relationship or anything. We are the same age. We never filed for him to come to America or anything and that wasn’t in our plans.

Madam....He's just using an extreme strategy to prevent u from telling him to shut up ever again.

Go buy indomie, with fish and egg.....cook, chop, relax....buy smirnoff ...drink and sleep...

Wake up....listen to music....download movies and watch....problem no dey finish...

....send him sorry text and whatsapp video looking sexy and saying sorry with your pity face every every two hours ..


.He will come back after 3 days to 1 week..... when he's not mad....ko ya węrėy naaa

Make una stop to dey fight.

This smells like anger pent and built up over time and bros trying to find the slightest to vent up and bail.

There's also the cultural difference in communication style here. You Americans are quick to use the F-word and Shut-up word which comes off as a big deal and insulting to Nigerians.

You guys will turn the tide though with more communication and understanding.

Give him some time and do him a message to keep registering your remorse. Do not bomb his phone with calls.

I have no appetite now. It’s like I’m in shock.

I feel like messaging him will be embarrassing myself further. I don’t even know where he went.

advanceDNA:
Madam....He's just using an extreme strategy to prevent u from telling him to shut up ever again.

Go buy indomie, with fish and egg.....cook, chop, relax....buy smirnoff ...drink and sleep...

Wake up....listen to music....download movies and watch....problem no dey finish...

....send him sorry text and whatsapp video looking sexy and saying sorry with your pity face every every two hours ..


.He will come back after 3 days to 1 week..... when he's not mad....ko ya węrėy naaa

Wifey123:
I have no appetite now. It’s like I’m in shock.

I feel like messaging him will be embarrassing myself further. I don’t even know where he went.

Forget where he went to....relax and try to enjoy yourself...Weda u send message or not...he will come back.....he did u dirty too naaa...he just left the house to make u feel bad and to look like ur offence was more than it is....

...i said u should send him text and whatsapp video to say sorry every two hours just to placate his ego and not make it look like u dont care and also to be the bigger person....

I definitely feel that the cultural differences cause big misunderstandings. Maybe he made a mistake and I’m not the wife that he wanted.

However, to be clear, I did not use the F word. My husband did. He will cuss me out when he’s mad at me.

gaby:
Make una stop to dey fight.

This smells like anger pent and built up over time and bros trying to find the slightest to vent up and bail.

There's also the cultural difference in communication style here. You Americans are quick to use the F-word and Shut-up word which comes off as a big deal and insulting to Nigerians.

You guys will turn the tide though with more communication and understanding.

Give him some time and do him a message to keep registering your remorse. Do not bomb his phone with calls.

If u have no where to go...come let me take care of u until the day u will leave Nigeria.

Come and u won't regret it.

advanceDNA:
Forget where he went to....relax and try to enjoy yourself...Weda u send message or not...he will come back.....he did u dirty too naaa...he just left tge hiuse to make u feel bad and to look like ur offence was more than it is....

...i said u should send him text and whatsapp video to say sorry every two hours just to placate his ego and not make it look like u dont care and also to be the bigger person....

Ok, I understand. Thank you.

Nice2023:
If u have no where to go...come let me take care of u until the day u will leave Nigeria.

Come and u won't regret it.

I definitely didn’t mean that literally.

Abeg I no get strength to read long story. Wait make chop fess😂

Wifey123:
I have no appetite now. It’s like I’m in shock.

I feel like messaging him will be embarrassing myself further. I don’t even know where he went.

Do not massage him first. His behaviour was very appalling. Regardless of the difference in mentality he understands that hitting you is a crime and he went on to put himself in that situation over being told to "shut up". He should be the one pleading, both to avoid jail and to save the union if he's still interested.

I know you still want the marriage for some reasons, but it shouldn't be at the detriment of your self worth. You shouldn't add further to his over bloated ego. Rather, you can help him by making sure he understands the magnitude of what he did, and the importance of keeping his ego in check by himself.

So while you hope for the best, be prepared for the worst, if it comes to that.

Wifey123:
I definitely feel that the cultural differences cause big misunderstandings. Maybe he made a mistake and I’m not the wife that he wanted.

However, to be clear, I did not use the F word. My husband did. He will cuss me out when he’s mad at me.

He shouldn't be using such words on you or anyone else.

Metaverse:
Do not massage him first. His behaviour was very appalling. Regardless of the difference in mentality he understands that hitting you is a crime and he went on to put himself in that situation over being told to "shut up". He should be the one pleading, both to avoid jail and to save the union if he's still interested.

I know you still want the marriage for some reasons, but it shouldn't be at the detriment of your self worth. You shouldn't add further to his over bloated ego. Rather, you can help him by making sure he understands the magnitude of what he did, and the importance of keeping his ego in check by himself.

So while you hope for the best, be prepared for the worst, if it comes to that.

Thank you. These are very important points. As I’m calming down, all of what you said it coming to my mind.

Don't marry stupid people

Sumhow i dont believe this black america and sumthing story.

Nice2023:
If u have no where to go...come let me take care of u until the day u will leave Nigeria.

Come and u won't regret it.

bad guy

nairalander2020:
Sumhow i dont believe this black america and sumthing story.

It’s fine that you don’t believe me. You don’t know me. This literally happened a few hours ago.

However, if anyone I know reads this, they will know it’s me because of the details.

Madam we don hear your side of the story, let's hear from your husband before we give our judgment

Nice2023:
If u have no where to go...come let me take care of u until the day u will leave Nigeria.

Come and u won't regret it.

Japarious japarian spotted

Not justifying his rage or actions but the truth is that a lot of Nigerians are frustrated with the current happenings in the country, especially with finances. Ppwnry are just unnecessarily edgy and willing to go to crazy lengths over minor things. Work things out with him, you can't tell how much burden man is carrying already, all thanks to Buhari and Emefiele

Wifey123:
I’m a black American, living in Nigeria with my husband, who is Nigerian. Today, we had a misunderstanding. I was trying to explain something that happened with the POS decline when I bought something. I was trying to explain and he was getting angry with me because he felt that I was not explaining well. He kept harping on it even though I repeated the amount at least 3 times. I’d also bought him a meat pie and I was tired of him being mad over me not explaining properly because I couldn’t figure out how I could have been more clear. I said:

“Just shut up and eat the meat pie.”

I immediately regretted that I said something so disrespectful to my husband and I apologized. He threw the meat pie out of the window and started yelling at me while we were in the call. Called me names and who am I, that I would never disrespect him again. That I’m a stupid and useless mother. I apologized again and started to cry. He told me to “Shut the F*** up.” He threatened to punch me and then he slapped me in the face. He said that this is Nigeria, not America and he could “break my head and nothing was going to happen.” He told me “Fu** me a million times. He said that the marriage is over and that I won’t see him again.

We got home he said that this was the third time that I told him to shut up and that this was how it starts. He’s right, I did say it twice before over the past year but in my defense, I said it while he was yelling at me, calling me names and saying that I was useless. I never called him names or raised my voice or had any insults. He admitted that he gets angry and before promised that he will not insult me or tell me “F*** you” again.

He was packing a bag in our room. I apologized profusely and cried and begged him not to leave. I said that I was so sorry and I’d never disrespect him again. He said that I should leave too. He threw two bank cards at me and said that I could use those until I decide to leave our house. I took this as him telling me to go back home to America as I have no where to go here.

I started sobbing then. I followed him to the car and begged him not to leave. That I didn’t want to end our marriage. He told me that he will not tolerate disrespect and that we needed a break. That I talk to him like a child? I don’t know what he’s referring to and he had never said that before. I always do whatever he asks, whenever he asks and I never intended to disrespect him. Then he told me to get out of the car. He drove away.

Now that he’s gone and my face is still sore from being slapped, I’m thinking hard about this. I messed up by being disrespectful. However the anger that he showed was next level. I have never been hit before, he never even threatened to hit me before he even threatened to punch me. This man who loved me just this morning. This man who said he wanted to thank my mother for giving him such an amazing wife. Now essentially acted as if he hates me. Violence is usually progressive. A slap, then a punch, then it goes on from there. I don’t know what to do. Should I go home. My family will tell me to leave. I can’t believe that this happened. I lost my marriage within 15 minutes? Should I leave and go to an Airbnb? What if he turns off the cards? How will I even get cash? I don’t know what to do so I’m asking strangers.

Questions that people will likely have: My husband and I have known each other for 7 years, mostly as friends long distance. Married for under 2 years. This is not an age gap relationship or anything. We are the same age. We never filed for him to come to America or anything and that wasn’t in our plans.

Report your husband to MC Oluomo. Every thing will be fine.

Just getat!

Doubleoh7:
Not justifying his rage or actions but the truth is that a lot of Nigerians are frustrated with the current happenings in the country, especially with finances. Ppwnry are just unnecessarily edgy and willing to go to crazy lengths over minor things. Work things out with him, you can't tell how much burden man is carrying already, all thanks to Buhari and Emefiele

This could be a part of it too. He was talking about his frustration and anger about political issues currently happening while we were in the car headed to the store.

Lalami3232:
Madam we don hear your side of the story, let's hear from your husband before we give our judgment

Good point. My husband would never post something like this and would be furious if he saw that I did.

To be fair though, I’m asking what I should do. Not who was right or wrong. On my part, I know I was wrong. I can’t ask my parents.

telling him to shut up was wrong .for the average Naija man thats a lot to swallow. However, that does not justify the slap and his reaction seems over the top.

its either there are other things you are not telling us, or he is not telling you.

something is off.

Wifey123:
I’m a black American, living in Nigeria with my husband, who is Nigerian. Today, we had a misunderstanding. I was trying to explain something that happened with the POS decline when I bought something. I was trying to explain and he was getting angry with me because he felt that I was not explaining well. He kept harping on it even though I repeated the amount at least 3 times. I’d also bought him a meat pie and I was tired of him being mad over me not explaining properly because I couldn’t figure out how I could have been more clear. I said:

“Just shut up and eat the meat pie.”

I immediately regretted that I said something so disrespectful to my husband and I apologized. He threw the meat pie out of the window and started yelling at me while we were in the call. Called me names and who am I, that I would never disrespect him again. That I’m a stupid and useless mother. I apologized again and started to cry. He told me to “Shut the F*** up.” He threatened to punch me and then he slapped me in the face. He said that this is Nigeria, not America and he could “break my head and nothing was going to happen.” He told me “Fu** me a million times. He said that the marriage is over and that I won’t see him again.

We got home he said that this was the third time that I told him to shut up and that this was how it starts. He’s right, I did say it twice before over the past year but in my defense, I said it while he was yelling at me, calling me names and saying that I was useless. I never called him names or raised my voice or had any insults. He admitted that he gets angry and before promised that he will not insult me or tell me “F*** you” again.

He was packing a bag in our room. I apologized profusely and cried and begged him not to leave. I said that I was so sorry and I’d never disrespect him again. He said that I should leave too. He threw two bank cards at me and said that I could use those until I decide to leave our house. I took this as him telling me to go back home to America as I have no where to go here.

I started sobbing then. I followed him to the car and begged him not to leave. That I didn’t want to end our marriage. He told me that he will not tolerate disrespect and that we needed a break. That I talk to him like a child? I don’t know what he’s referring to and he had never said that before. I always do whatever he asks, whenever he asks and I never intended to disrespect him. Then he told me to get out of the car. He drove away.

Now that he’s gone and my face is still sore from being slapped, I’m thinking hard about this. I messed up by being disrespectful. However the anger that he showed was next level. I have never been hit before, he never even threatened to hit me before he even threatened to punch me. This man who loved me just this morning. This man who said he wanted to thank my mother for giving him such an amazing wife. Now essentially acted as if he hates me. Violence is usually progressive. A slap, then a punch, then it goes on from there. I don’t know what to do. Should I go home. My family will tell me to leave. I can’t believe that this happened. I lost my marriage within 15 minutes? Should I leave and go to an Airbnb? What if he turns off the cards? How will I even get cash? I don’t know what to do so I’m asking strangers.

Questions that people will likely have: My husband and I have known each other for 7 years, mostly as friends long distance. Married for under 2 years. This is not an age gap relationship or anything. We are the same age. We never filed for him to come to America or anything and that wasn’t in our plans.

@ OP
You are the only person that can assess the true situation of things and the next steps to take.
There are lots of variables in this issue. We have to consider the basis of the marriage in the first place. What is the marriage based on? Is it based on love, money, convenience or other extraneous factors. Are the two families involved and in good terms?

This anger must have been brewing up for a while and it's boiling over. You have to try and find out the true cause of his anger. Is it these few isolated cases of disrespect on your part, or are there other sinister issues. Is there another woman in the background? Where exactly has he gone to? - to a family or friends house or to another woman's house.

Give him some space and time for things to cool of. If he doesn't reach out within a week, then assume the worst and probably the end of the marriage. Reach out to his family and close friends to get a feel of what he intends to do. If he actually wants a divorce, then you need to conclude the divorce before leaving for the US. Because if you don't, you will need to come back in the future to finalise the divorce. In the divorce settlement, you should get some assets and compensations for being a legal wife for 2 years unless there was a prenuptial agreement.

If he comes back home, insist you both needs to see a Councillor. Maybe your church counsellor or pastor. Becareful lots of pastors are sheep in wolves skin. They might try and milk you guys for money.

If the marriage breaks as a results of this small misunderstanding, the marriage is not worth it in the first place.

Wifey123:
This could be a part of it too. He was talking about his frustration and anger about political issues currently happening while we were in the car headed to the store. .

I hope people will not allow elections cause major damages in their relationships, if you ask further now one can predict the cause of his political anger.

Madam if I may give you an advice, please for the sake of God and what you shared between each other , try calm down and sort it out.
From your story, you said he has never slapped nor hit you before. Meaning it’s the first, that means there’s is still % for redemption.
I would say send him a text for apology towards evening, just calm down till evening is cool and he’s back home. Till he’s home, just massage his ego. When his back , trash a lot out with him in the most coolest manner. Make him understand you never sign for this and just make sure this conversation only occur when you guys are in better mood and having a good heart to heart talk. In all pray to God for wisdom to handle it.
Note: Don’t answer those asking you to leave him blablabla, na pikin talk.’’ If you are not there, you won’t understand’’. It’s good you value your marriage. Please keep valuing it. Majority of ladies Dey find husband wey Dey no see. Majority of our ladies Dey collect better beating from their boyfriends ( ordinary boyfriends o ), but they will come online to start forming super commando. Since you still value your marriage , please keep at it and God will help you. All in all, work on your mental state, make sure you don’t allow this affect your mental health. Eat , sleep , and look good more, so that when he sees you , he will be more than happy. God will rectify your family in Jesus name

wirinet:
@ OP
You are the only person that can assess the true situation of things and the next steps to take.
There are lots of variables in this issue. We have to consider the basis of the marriage in the first place. What is the marriage based on? Is it based on love, money, convenience or other extraneous factors. Are the two families involved and in good terms?

This anger must have been brewing up for a while and it's boiling over. You have to try and find out the true cause of his anger. Is it these few isolated cases of disrespect on your part, or are there other sinister issues. Is there another woman in the background? Where exactly has he gone to? - to a family or friends house or to another woman's house.

Give him some space and time for things to cool of. If he doesn't reach out within a week, then assume the worst and probably the end of the marriage. Reach out to his family and close friends to get a feel of what he intends to do. If he actually wants a divorce, then you need to conclude the divorce before leaving for the US. Because if you don't, you will need to come back in the future to finalise the divorce. In the divorce settlement, you should get some assets and compensations for being a legal wife for 2 years unless there was a prenuptial agreement.

If he comes back home, insist you both needs to see a Councillor. Maybe your church counsellor or pastor. Becareful lots of pastors are sheep in wolves skin. They might try and milk you guys for money.

If the marriage breaks as a results of this small misunderstanding, the marriage is not worth it in the first place.

Thank you. Our marriage is based on love, shared values and shared goals and vision for our life and our family. To think that if this is the end, none of that will happen is painful. Our marriage is based on anything but convenience. I literally have things up to move here and to be in our dynamic. We live nice but there is no big amounts of money. Our families get along, fine.

I will give him space while I’m thinking things over. I’m sure that others are right and this was a boil over. Maybe he just decided that he just doesn’t want to be married to me. Even though he was literally singing my praises just the other day. I honestly don’t know. I was only told what I posted today.

How dare you tell your husband to shut up?!

You may get away with it in the United States but we don't tolerate that rubbish here in Nigeria