CHILDBEARING ARE NOT NECESSARY AND SUFFICIENT CONDITIONS FOR HAPPINESS IN LIFE![/quote]



Wait till u have one. Then u will know why chicken will fight a grown man, why a dog will bite its owner.

Giftedhands45:
I have to join this forum to post this tonight.

I'm in my early thirties, my husband is just two years older than me. My husband has always been neglecting his responsibilities even before we got married, but I was seeing it as he doesn't have a better job and a struggling guy whom we can both join hands together to build each other. I endured everything with him. I have always supported and provided without complain.
Since last year my husband lost his job, since then, he has refused to look for any other source of income. Even when he had a job, he always have one story or the other to tell about his monthly salaries. So, he still doesn't provide.
Once, there's nothing in the house, he will keep watching because I can't watch my two children Starve. I will try everything, even call friends, families and borrow. He doesn't care how I borrowed and how I paid.


Now, he wakes up every morning and still go back to sleep. Whatever I asked him, he don't always have. He's response always is ''I don't have money ''
I am the only one sourcing out everything in this house, I don't have a job as well, just struggling up and down with a business I do.

There's no food, school fees, bill, everything, he will ignore. I can't watch my children suffer. So, I keep struggling without any help. But he eats food and uses everything in the house with us. He wouldn't provide, but he can use them once they're available.
Our house rent will soon expire and he has no plan towards That. The previous one I paid, but presently, my business is down

Lately, I've been thinking. I've never cheated since I entered this marriage, but If I keep struggling all myself like this, my children will suffer. I feel, I need someone who loves me and willing to support me as well.
My children are too used to their father, it borders me if I separate them from him.

Leaving a marriage because he's not taking responsibilities, does that make me a bad woman?

What could make a man to be very comfortable not providing for his family but wouldn't want to loss the said family?

Have you ever been in my shoes, what would you advise me?

This is the problem you people have.

Do you know that that ready made man you want to go squat with will only take you on merely sympathy and will never make much sacrifices for you?

Do you also know that the new man you are running to to probably rob your bad luck on may still loose all his money too and fall? But then he will treat you worse than your first husband.

Go and meet someone in your husband's family you can trust and he respects that is doing well. Report your husband to him although your husband will be mad with you but that's nothing after back and forth someone in the family may profer help in the end.

Secondly, you have to gird up o! Hustle more now. Don't worry with time everything will be fine.

Kobojunkie:
Children need both parents? You don't know the world and Life has yet to teach you much at all is why you make such generalizations still.

Ok.

lomaxx:
■ I think labels are overrated. She can leave (she wants to and she will). Entirely her choice. However, the fact remains. The risk inherent in the bet against dual parent households almost always works against the children.

What risks are those? If an orphan is able to grow into a sound adult even without both father and mother present, what risk is this you continue to insist on?

BarrElChapo:


Well you could explore temporary separation to see if his attitude.

Does anyone have evidence that temporary separation works?

It’s essentially pre-divorce so everybody should be upfront about their true intentions.

olamilarks:
■ Because I gave my opinion from the POV of children, they suffer the most when their parents separate.
■ Marriage is Hardwork sir/ma'am,
■ that's why I prayed for wisdom for the lady, because I can't advice her!

So, the current suffering those kids are having to endure as is with their father not holding up his end of the marital bargain is what? Nothing?

Marriage is meant to be an agreement between a man and a woman — a partnership. OP says she has been the one carrying the partnership for head since the beginning while the husband has mostly existed as a mooch off of her. School fees, rent, groceries, etc. are covered by the woman alone, and she is without work while her husband does nothing. clearly, she has worked hard on the marriage and finally admits things aren't going anywhere.

Of what value is your prayer though? You do know that God only answers the prayers of the righteous — the prayers of the unrighteous are an abomination to God. So, saying you prayed for wisdom for the lady amounts to a self-aggrandizing bullsheet as an unrighteous.

lomaxx:
■ Does anyone have evidence that temporary separation works? It’s essentially pre-divorce so everybody should be upfront about their true intentions.

It typically works to help each side gather their thoughts together before taking what may be a final step in whichever direction is deemed necessary.

buzorcharles:
■ Wait till u have one. Then u will know why chicken will fight a grown man, why a dog will bite its owner.

... and why OP's husband does not give a damn about whether his kids are fed or not?

Acidosis:



Nothing is going on. Unemployment rate in Nigeria is currently 41%, meaning 4 out of every 10 men out there are jobless. Not everyone can "hustle" in an environment that kills opportunities.

We have to first and foremost acknowledge a societal problem before crucifying anyone.

Don't even go there.
Unemployment has been there before I was born.
As population soars, unemployment follow suit.
Especially in countries like Nigeria.
The problem is that majority of Nigerian men( graduates) feel some certain jobs are not for them.
A woman can finish school and start sales girl and yes, she has her family to take care of.
It was here that most guy were insulting Nigerians abroad cos according to them they will rather die hungry in Nigeria than go abroad and start cleaning poo but I'm sure men from such countries who do such jobs do that with joy.
A d when those cleaning this poo send money to them, they will accept with hands wide open.

The problem is bloated ego with duck brain.

Kobojunkie:
What risks are those? If an orphan is able to grow into a sound adult even without both father and mother present, what risk is this you continue to insist on?

Are you implying that dual parent homes are non-beneficial?

Giftedhands45:
I have to join this forum to post this tonight.

I'm in my early thirties, my husband is just two years older than me. My husband has always been neglecting his responsibilities even before we got married, but I was seeing it as he doesn't have a better job and a struggling guy whom we can both join hands together to build each other. I endured everything with him. I have always supported and provided without complain.
Since last year my husband lost his job, since then, he has refused to look for any other source of income. Even when he had a job, he always have one story or the other to tell about his monthly salaries. So, he still doesn't provide.
Once, there's nothing in the house, he will keep watching because I can't watch my two children Starve. I will try everything, even call friends, families and borrow. He doesn't care how I borrowed and how I paid.


Now, he wakes up every morning and still go back to sleep. Whatever I asked him, he don't always have. He's response always is ''I don't have money ''
I am the only one sourcing out everything in this house, I don't have a job as well, just struggling up and down with a business I do.

There's no food, school fees, bill, everything, he will ignore. I can't watch my children suffer. So, I keep struggling without any help. But he eats food and uses everything in the house with us. He wouldn't provide, but he can use them once they're available.
Our house rent will soon expire and he has no plan towards That. The previous one I paid, but presently, my business is down

Lately, I've been thinking. I've never cheated since I entered this marriage, but If I keep struggling all myself like this, my children will suffer. I feel, I need someone who loves me and willing to support me as well.
My children are too used to their father, it borders me if I separate them from him.

Leaving a marriage because he's not taking responsibilities, does that make me a bad woman?

What could make a man to be very comfortable not providing for his family but wouldn't want to loss the said family?

Have you ever been in my shoes, what would you advise me?

help him get a job if you have link or connection

lomaxx:
■ Are you implying that dual parent homes are non-beneficial?

They are indeed not always the most beneficial.

About 11 years ago I was like your husband. Not necessarily out of a job but I wasn't earning enough to get by myself talk more of taking care of a family the way it should be.

Wifey lives in another state while I live in Lagos and she earned about twice my take home and was actually good to go.
But women don't like paying bills. A man can pay 100% of the bills and nobody will hear a word but once a woman pays a percentage, the entire world hears about it.

As for me, by the time I was done with my rent in Lagos, power, tfare to work and tfare to go visit her and back, I was flat broke

I must have appeared to her how your hubby appears to you now.

The difference between myself and your hubby perhaps is that I knew I wasn't doing well and was looking for ways to balance the equation. So I would buy little food stuffs, cook, wash and clean up when I visit. Or I would find someone in that area to do the washing and pay her 700 bucks back in those days.

I tried always to balance the equation.

Wifey wasn't happy about the whole arrangement though.

Here I will digress, young financially unstable men must never assume that a lady loves them enough to bear financial insecurity with a child. She will swear that she will manage. But once a child comes!...forget it man, you will be harassed.

Back to the tale, she wasn't happy and would say nasty things. I had grown up in a happy home and never knew that a wife could say such things to her husband.
It was such a sad situation for me. I wasn't a dunce or irresponsible, things just hadn't set yet, I was just a young dude 2 years out of NYSC.

Here again, I will digress. When I want to take any action, I will always ask myself; what's the purpose of this action? What's it's value? What are the potential consequences?

That's because I have a long memory and I assume that people do too. If you kick me when I am down, I will never forget.
These are questions that you may care to ask yourself.

Anyone reading this might think that this happened for a long period. No it didn't, it was just for about a year that I tried to get my feet under me. By the time my little boy was past one year, I could pay for his creche, buy nearly all the food stuffs and pay for other stuffs in my second home.

But I never forgot the kicking when I was down. It made it very difficult for me to get over slights from wifey.

Fast forward to today, 11 years afterwards. I have a bit of money to my name. A lot more than a bit perhaps.

Wifey and I are going through a divorce. All the slights I just couldn't bring myself to forget have come to a head and I was just done.

I have seen what it will be like with her if I am down and it is just not a bearable thought.

My sex plug are 2 single mothers like you intend to be...so beware.

It is unlikely that I will remarry presently. I have no desire to create half brother/sister issues for my kids.

So I will ask you, what is the value of kicking your husband when he is down?

There are too many poorly raised people here telling you things you don't need to hear. You can identify them by their choice of words; useless, broke as men, stupid etc they frequently say.
They are usually unable to think beyond tomorrow. Maybe a week. They are rarely married and perhaps will not and have scores to settle with men.
They want to copy western countries. Unfortunately they usually don't read well enough to find out the consequences; such as the collapse of the family unit in those countries and the recent study stating that by 2030, about half of American women between 25 and 45 may never marry because their men don't want them, and will rather go abroad to look for wives or stay unmarried.
Or that marriages are best constructed in the traditional sense and always last longest anywhere in the world, in that structure (they appear to love to talk so much about woke ideologies)

It is sad that you are in this situation. I remember though that back in the day, our mothers plugged up financial holes when our dad's were not on their A game. And guess what, people rarely knew! They even told the kids that the money came from their dads!

Good old days. Before social media, before low quality education that has reduced the average IQ of Nigerians to 71 and rendered them unable to face life's challenges without taking the apparently easy way out.

Your situation is really sad. I know how you must feel. Perhaps you can let it all play out and see how it goes, perhaps you can opt out...But do not kick your hubby now that he is down. It never serves any purpose.

I wish you wisdom.

Giftedhands45:
I have to join this forum to post this tonight.

I'm in my early thirties, my husband is just two years older than me. My husband has always been neglecting his responsibilities even before we got married, but I was seeing it as he doesn't have a better job and a struggling guy whom we can both join hands together to build each other. I endured everything with him. I have always supported and provided without complain.
Since last year my husband lost his job, since then, he has refused to look for any other source of income. Even when he had a job, he always have one story or the other to tell about his monthly salaries. So, he still doesn't provide.
Once, there's nothing in the house, he will keep watching because I can't watch my two children Starve. I will try everything, even call friends, families and borrow. He doesn't care how I borrowed and how I paid.


Now, he wakes up every morning and still go back to sleep. Whatever I asked him, he don't always have. He's response always is ''I don't have money ''
I am the only one sourcing out everything in this house, I don't have a job as well, just struggling up and down with a business I do.

There's no food, school fees, bill, everything, he will ignore. I can't watch my children suffer. So, I keep struggling without any help. But he eats food and uses everything in the house with us. He wouldn't provide, but he can use them once they're available.
Our house rent will soon expire and he has no plan towards That. The previous one I paid, but presently, my business is down

Lately, I've been thinking. I've never cheated since I entered this marriage, but If I keep struggling all myself like this, my children will suffer. I feel, I need someone who loves me and willing to support me as well.
My children are too used to their father, it borders me if I separate them from him.

Leaving a marriage because he's not taking responsibilities, does that make me a bad woman?

What could make a man to be very comfortable not providing for his family but wouldn't want to loss the said family?

Have you ever been in my shoes, what would you advise me?

ahnie:
In SS abavo precisely the women are the bread winners,same with women from my tribe and extracted tribe(urhobos)we were trained to never depend on a man and we grew up with that mentality to hustle and fend for our kids,and our men 78 percent grew up with that mentality that even if they do not provide,the wife would definitely hustle and care for the kids

Please mention your tribe and leave Urhobo out of your mouth.

hairyman:
■ About 11 years ago I was like your husband. Not necessarily out of a job but I wasn't earning enough to get by myself talk more of taking care of a family the way it should be. Wifey lives in another state while I live in Lagos and she earned about twice my take home and was actually good to go. But women don't like paying bills. A man can pay 100% of the bills and nobody will hear a word but once a woman pays a percentage, the entire world hears about it. As for me, by the time I was done with my rent in Lagos, power, tfare to work and tfare to go visit her and back, I was flat broke I must have appeared to her how your hubby appears to you now.
The difference between myself and your hubby perhaps is that I knew I wasn't doing well and was looking for ways to balance the equation. So I would buy little food stuffs, cook, wash and clean up when I visit. Or I would find someone in that area to do the washing and pay her 700 bucks back in those days. I tried always to balance the equation......

Clearly, you are nothing like OP's husband who instead lays around all day, eats when food is ready, etc. Stop trying to compare apples and oranges in order to confuse OP abeg!

GodPrince:
I thought you were a respectful and decent girl. See yourself now? Displaying how rude and mannerless you're. It was the same you that was insulting me last year for declaring my love for you, I should have known you better that you didn't worth it.

Who know you last year? Fvck off pls.

Kobojunkie:
Really? Given that the man sits back and allows such atrocities to continue in his own marriage—you cannot tell me that the man does not see or hear all that goes on in his own home —, do you not see that it isn't just the woman but the man as well implicated in these acts of wickedness?

Who beats the child? The husband or the wife ?
I’ve had my fair share of experience and I’m grateful to God.
Sometimes the husbands try to cover up for their wives and even treat these kids. If they can’t treat their own kids that way then why treat another person’s? It’s sheer wickedness please not transferred aggression.

Kobojunkie:
It typically works to help each side gather their thoughts together before taking what may be a final step in whichever direction is deemed necessary.

I can make a reasonable assumption that no one initiates a temporary separation without a plan. It is a classical scenario where the party initiating is trying to hedge their bet against being further involved as a couple.

There are several indicators of marital failure and any type of separation is one of them. Anyone who says they’re doing some temporary separation to “clear their head” is just being economical with the truth.

unbiased2021:
■ Who beats the child? The husband or the wife ?
■ I’ve had my fair share of experience and I’m grateful to God. Sometimes the husbands try to cover up for their wives and even treat these kids. ■ If they can’t treat their own kids that way then why treat another person’s? It’s sheer wickedness please not transferred aggression.

1. Both because these atrocities have to be sanctioned by both for them to take place.

2. The only reason a husband would try to cover up such wickedness is if he too sees nothing wrong with it.

3. If the absence of house help, women have been known to take the aggression out on their own kids, or for instance, a step-child in the home.

Kobojunkie:
They are indeed not always the most beneficial.

I sympathize with anyone that has to make a choice between parenting their kids as a single parent or with their spouse.

Hopefully, decisions made can turn out to be (at least) beneficial for some parties. Typical case of winning some and losing others.

Everyone should ensure to lay a solid foundation for good parenting. Requires conscious effort from both sides.

ahnie:
It's a simple case,no need for divorce.
Here's what you Will do.
Cook,give to the kids,any remainder,put in plastic takeaway pack or cooler.

Warn the kids not to ever give him their meals to eat,or they're grounded.

Try grow your business,add other streams of incomes to it.

Try give yourself peace of mind,you would need it for the Israelite journey ahead.

Madam no matter what,do not ever indulge in extra marital affairs,e get why.

Take very good care of yourself ma'am.

I told you it's a simple mara.

When house rentage expires,before e expired,look for alternative place to stay,make sure he doesn't stay with you people

Thus one na shege banza formula for him🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Giftedhands45:
@all thanks for your advice and suggestions.
I have reported to his mum and siblings severally and they're not happy about his behavior, but he refuses to change.

The advice on moving to my parents house once the house rent expires is exactly what I will do.

For those saying I bring forth children to suffer them. No, My children are not suffering. I tried to give them the best in my own power. I'm the only one suffering because I'm doing it all alone.
And sure, no more intimacy here anymore. He can't provide, he can't touch me either

Good. I support you 100% gidigba as a man

nairalanda1:


All this your comment would have made sense if the guy was actively hustling for legit job.

But he isn't. That's the problem

It's a one sided story. Have you heard the man's side? Women will paint any story to make them look like they're the victim.

Women have taken over so many jobs men used to do before. Go to offices, civil service and banks and schools, over 80% of the staff are women.

They're taking all the jobs and still complaining their husbands are jobless. They still want a man to be running from pillar to post to earn to give them additional money. The entitlement mentality is too much.

I often wonder what is the essence of female education when at the end of the day, they will still be looking up to a man to take care of them? let them resign from their jobs en-mass and stay at home so there will be more vacancies for men. The way the economy is now, I can't blame any jobless man. You can't eat your cake and still have it

lomaxx:
■ I sympathize with anyone that has to make a choice between parenting their kids as a single parent or with their spouse. Hopefully, decisions made can turn out to be (at least) beneficial for some parties. Typical case of winning some and losing others. Everyone should ensure to lay a solid foundation for good parenting. Requires conscious effort from both sides.

In order to do what you have there — bold— one first needs to understand what good parenting is about, right, something that does not automagically come with having kids or being married. So, there you have the problem. Society focuses a great deal on marriage and childbearing, but not so much energy is spent understanding what good parenting is about and how to go about laying those solid foundations you speak of.

Giftedhands45:
I have to join this forum to post this tonight.

I'm in my early thirties, my husband is just two years older than me. My husband has always been neglecting his responsibilities even before we got married, but I was seeing it as he doesn't have a better job and a struggling guy whom we can both join hands together to build each other. I endured everything with him. I have always supported and provided without complain.
Since last year my husband lost his job, since then, he has refused to look for any other source of income. Even when he had a job, he always have one story or the other to tell about his monthly salaries. So, he still doesn't provide.
Once, there's nothing in the house, he will keep watching because I can't watch my two children Starve. I will try everything, even call friends, families and borrow. He doesn't care how I borrowed and how I paid.


Now, he wakes up every morning and still go back to sleep. Whatever I asked him, he don't always have. He's response always is ''I don't have money ''
I am the only one sourcing out everything in this house, I don't have a job as well, just struggling up and down with a business I do.

There's no food, school fees, bill, everything, he will ignore. I can't watch my children suffer. So, I keep struggling without any help. But he eats food and uses everything in the house with us. He wouldn't provide, but he can use them once they're available.
Our house rent will soon expire and he has no plan towards That. The previous one I paid, but presently, my business is down

Lately, I've been thinking. I've never cheated since I entered this marriage, but If I keep struggling all myself like this, my children will suffer. I feel, I need someone who loves me and willing to support me as well.
My children are too used to their father, it borders me if I separate them from him.

Leaving a marriage because he's not taking responsibilities, does that make me a bad woman?

What could make a man to be very comfortable not providing for his family but wouldn't want to loss the said family?

Have you ever been in my shoes, what would you advise me?

Relax my sister because so many women are wearing this same shoe

I think for now, stop having kids to reduce the future load on you

If your rent expires, look for just one room self contain if you can afford that or oay for the rent

Let all of them pack along with you including your husband

Stop expecting things from him since he has swore never to have or struggle to have

Face your children and be there for them

Buy few food stuff that will serve a meal at home and cook just little, give him the same little portion your give your children and eat same portion.. Start seeing yourself as married but a single mother

Dont keep money or count money in his presence he will assume you have enough

If he ask you for anything tell him that you don't have, keep singing that to his ear so that he will stop asking from you

So far he is not violent or harsh on you, keep on keeping on

Stop telling him to get something doing, just be looking at him let him be the one to advice himself

When he realizes that the food portion is small and he can't get anything from you, he will dust his shoes

The more you spend the more he will become a lazy man

You don't have to leave the marriage because he doesn't take responsibilities, but once he starts treating you like a rag, find your way

He is too young to be dodging his responsibilities

Rock your would and be happy for your self

unbiased2021:



My ex girlfriend told me she couldn’t manage a business or work either. I got fed up with her asking of every 1 naira so I suggested I start up a business for her to manage and earn and stop being so dependent ( I was providing but don’t you think a girl should be able to earn money to buy her sanitary pads or cosmetics ?). Well at the end she told me she couldn’t manage a business and don’t feel like she needs to work under anyone. I dumped her a$$ and moved on with my life for good.

Now, do you think my ex was wise ? Wiser than the men who you bitter ladies despise ?
If I want to discuss wisdom, I sure will never invite a lady like you….
Not all women are like you though, some are wise.

What exactly is the correlation between your ex and the Op pls? Later you will raise your hand when educated people are called, yet you are an educated illiterate, you lack wisdom and comprehension, this i tell you for free.

Luckysbab:



The OP clearly stated she needs a replacement husband, who will be up and doing, care for her. Obviously, cococandy is well cared for, enough to be able to serve as her sister's keeper.

Seriously, what's wrong in my suggestion?

Must the replacement be someone else's husband? Why not suggest a single man?

Giftedhands45:

And sure, no more intimacy here anymore. He can't provide, he can't touch me either

This reminds me of a famous quote by Rita Brown:


“ Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.”


Good luck

Better question is where’s the law that everyone must marry?

Jovialjune1:



Must the replacement be someone else's husband? Why not suggest a single man?

Skyview01:
Why did you get into a marriage both of you are not financially and emotionally prepared for?

Why bring the poor kids to come suffer when both of you are not ready financially?

I call it wickedness when you have kids without the means to take care of them.

I have no sympathy for you, I only pity the poor innocent kids. Instead of looking for ways to solve the problems you willfully created, you are looking for another man to shift your burdens.

You still will never learn and are always seeking for shortcuts.

MARRIAGE AND CHILDBEARING ARE NOT NECESSARY AND SUFFICIENT CONDITIONS FOR HAPPINESS IN LIFE!

From the look of things she pressured the Man to marry her. Same thing happened to my neighbour, her family is rich an she's not to good looking buh can spend her last money on good looking guys. She he got married to this fine boy, he refused to work. They family of the lady paid for him to learn a skill , he quitted along the line. He even told her that, the reason he got married to her was bcus he thought they family will give him money to start up a business. That how can a fine boy like him get married to someone like her without achieving anything. They lady left the marriage bcus she was very unkempt n emotionally abused. The only thing the lady achieved was the fine boy she gave birth to

So your solution is not for more jobs to be created for everyone to have equal access. It’s for women to leave so that men can have less competition

oweniwe:


It's a one sided story. Have you heard the man's side? Women will paint any story to make them look like they're the victim.

Women have taken over so many jobs men used to do before. Go to offices, civil service and banks and schools, over 80% of the staff are women.

They're taking all the jobs and still complaining their husbands are jobless. They still want a man to be running from pillar to post to earn to give them additional money. The entitlement mentality is too much.

I often wonder what is the essence of female education when at the end of the day, they will still be looking up to a man to take care of them? let them resign from their jobs en-mass and stay at home so there will be more vacancies for men. The way the economy is now, I can't blame any jobless man. You can't eat your cake and still have it