₦airaland Forum

DyingFetus:
Delete that family and mum from your life


Move to another state and start afresh

Change your identity anew

Dchampion65:
If a hunter thinks of difficulty and hardship that was involve in hunting, he will not give anyone out of his bush meat.

Pray for God blessings so that those who think you cant get to the river will drink from your tap water.

Just that you don't stress yourself to meet their demand.

Thanks so much Sir. At times I feel like writing a book about myself, at same time, I would cry try to pen down my experiences. What an ugly experience

Your biography will be interesting to read.

Dchampion65:
If a hunter thinks of difficulty and hardship that was involve in hunting, he will not give anyone out of his bush meat.

Pray for God blessings so that those who think you cant get to the river will drink from your tap water.

Just that you don't stress yourself to meet their demand.






Thanks so much Sir. At times I feel like writing a book about myself, at same time, I would cry try to pen down my experiences. What an ugly experience

Your biography will be interesting to read.

rajiedreez:
Ok, you meet yourself in a very bad situation. But the Nigeria society is such that will overlook whatever you've gone through negatively from your parent all for the fact that they birthed you. On this premise, you'll not disown your mother nor your siblings. If you find it really difficult to relate with them as a family, just try to see them as a responsibility and do the best you can for them.

Was your father a responsible father when he was alive?

Kobojunkie:
1. So, this frustration kept her from communicating with her own son but did not stop her from marrying a second husband, and probably having other kids.

2. LOL.... a grown woman born pikin come dey talk of that pikin owe am something or what?

3. Arrggh! The copout used by the typical African. OK oo!

Watinhapen:
I don’t believe in the school of thought that says “she’s your mother no matter what”. A mother is not just a person that got pregnant and pushed a baby out. A woman that takes care of you till you can stand on your own is what I call a mother. I can go any length for my mother because she single-handedly trained I and my siblings to the university level. I even schooled abroad, though I paid my fees myself but she sponsored my traveling even when she didn’t have so much. I don’t regard my father because he wasn’t in my life, hence I don’t have any special feeling for him.

So, the ball is in your court. You have the moral justification not to send your mother money because she didn’t perform the duty of a mother to you. What if you actually stopped university at some point, will she be demanding money from you.

Anyway, like I said, it all depends on you. You can continue to give her if you want, but don’t expect anything from her. She will always have that attitude of when you give me, you become my friend.

jaxxy:
As far as I'm concerned family is the person(s) who cares about u no matter what. Family has nothing to do with blood relatives especially when they don't care about ur existence unless when it's beneficial to then.

Yes she's ur biological mum bt that's all she is. She's not ur mother based on action or intent atleast right now.

u may however choose to forgive because it Is important to forgive ot because they deserve it.

IconicR:
When will parents who failed their kids understand that they are not entitled to anything from such kids and whatever they get should be considered as charity ?

All these is as a result of how most of these religious leaders interpret the holy book

You should not feel bad over anything kos you owe them nothing but you may choose to still be kind to them each time you have but not under any duress

If she couldn't stand for you in your trying times please don't give her that chance of breaking you.

Satisfy your conscience and ignore the rest.

thesilentman:
■ i know whereof i speak,lady.There is no difference between the op's story and mine.My point 2 is bomb;her mum didn't care to support him not because she couldn't find the means but cos she didn't believe in him-that he can make it in life and she'd rather concentrate her effort on other siblings.

MisterBanny:
Thanks for this piece. God bless you

Kobojunkie:
So, these are the excuses you fed yourself in your case in order to excuse the inexcusable, and so you feel OP should do as you did?

I wasn't far off at all when I said that many of those offering him lame reasons are themselves emotionally not where they ought to be. How can you accept any of what you posted as a reasonable reasons for why a mother should not engage a kid she bore from her own womb? No be madness levels be this?

thesilentman:
■ AHA! You don't want a debate on this,do you?I can see you are very interested in mental health from your responses but i want you to know that am well grounded in that discipline than you are.So let it begin!

thesilentman:
Op,there is no way i will write in response to your post that it won't like plagiarism.Infact,i wanted to write on this topic for a long time.This is my conclusion:
1.Your mum was frustrated by the responsibility of catering for you and your siblings after your dad's death.
2.your mum has a favourite child or your mum doesn't believe in you.
3.Handwork of the enemy-

Alamkir:
No mind that girl na woman she has to support her fellow.

My brother, If u go close to her u will never be successful, because she is d one that will bring u down. In d future if u have money confortably, u fit try small but u dnt owe her just because she gave birth to u. Even God no go vex for u. "I carry u in my stomach for 9month" is what they will use to weaken u even when they are killing u. Dnt get me wrong mom's are wonderful creature but few of them are devil and those few deserve what they get. I know people with wonderful mom's won't get it but I do.

hahn:
Misterbanny

I will advise you to focus on yourself.

Even if you must help, you have to do it from a position of abundance and judging by your story you owe no one a cent.

Dpen11:
This is my second time commenting on this post,i see many people criticizing me based on what i said .

Please don't listen to them, they're only trying to make you have misunderstanding with your mum.

She is your mum for christ sake, they're all here talking rubbish why they're in good term with their mother's.

Instead of them to find a solution they're telling you to avoid your own mother.

clark0:
What you haven’t experienced, you may not truly grasp it.. some mothers or fathers can be evil and it makes one wonder if they birthed the child, would she ask of financial assistance if the OP were to be a tout or bus driver loading to oshodi?

IconicR:
When will parents who failed their kids understand that they are not entitled to anything from such kids and whatever they get should be considered as charity ?

All these is as a result of how most of these religious leaders interpret the holy book

You should not feel bad over anything kos you owe them nothing but you may choose to still be kind to them each time you have but not under any duress

If she couldn't stand for you in your trying times please don't give her that chance of breaking you.

Satisfy your conscience and ignore the rest.

MisterBanny:
Good day everyone. This topic shouldn't be on this Section, but I really need it to gain traffic urgently reason I am doing this here. My apologies.

I am from a family of four. The eldest. I hail from Plateau state. I lost my Dad when I was 10yrs. After my dad's burial, I went to live with a paternal anty who maltreated me so badly that I almost committed Suicide. I was like a slave. You can think of all the dehumanizing treatments in life. I started High sch. No sponsor.

Same anty never paid my fees for once, yet I was like a slave to her and her children. Throughout my secondary school, there was NO session that I ever wrote complete exams for 1, 2 and 3rd Terms. I would write maybe 6papers and not write the remaining papers, I will miss the next term's exams totally and write a few papers the final term of the session due to not paying sch fees. I was so ridiculed & mocked by my classmates cos of the constant embarrassment. As a result of this, I became an introvert. I couldn't even ask questions in class or socialize with my mates. No friends. My fee was #800 at the time. A private sch. I was so determined to get education & prayed God to pls help me bear whatever I faced at that time.

During this period, my mum who is unlettered stayed back in the village with my siblings and had to remarry. I got really pissed and cried myself out when I heard about the marriage cos I had no prior knowledge about it. My mum up till now has NEVER given me anything like Money in my Life. Highest she ever gave me was 1k at once...

At a point some person's even asked me if I still had a Mum particularly whenever I tried to seek help from them.
I was undeterred, wrote my WAEC, had 4-Distinctions and 4-credits and a Pass in Geography, then wrote JAMB, scored 220 and got admission to the University. I had to Hussle to pay my fees throughout. I spent 8yrs in the University due to money constraints. My mum never showed much concern. At a point I said I would drop out and to my shock, she said I should do so if I wanted to. Thank God I done with my Degree.
During and after NYSC she would always call me almost everyday talking about money. Making demands on me. I was always sending to her cos no matter what, she's my mum.

At a point, I wasn't responding to her calls for months and never sent money again. She started telling people that I wasn't calling her or picking her calls or helping her. She also instigated my younger siblings against me and they started disrespecting me. Anyone of us who has money and gives to her at that particular period is who she will become friends with then starts reporting negative things about others to the person that is currently giving her money. Some things would be done and I will never be aware except an outsider tells me. I felt so bad about all these and I decided to stay aloof and estranged from my family. I don't call except once in a while. My mum has been calling for almost a month now but I haven't picked cos money will be involved in the conversation and I don't have now.
Pls advise me.

The last straw was when I got Mobilized for NYSC and had nothing to even use for transport to the camp. I consulted a cooperative that she belongs in to loan me some money, but did u know that after they accepted to give me the loan the next day, I went back and they started giving me excuses. I later heard from an impeccable memeber of the cooperative that it was my mum that asked them not to grant me the loan. Her reason was that I may not pay back and she didn't want the responsibility of repaying to fall back on her. Same woman that has never given me any dime. Mind you, she has money to buy the latest Wrappers but can't help me.

She attends almost all the burials in the village even when the deceased isn't related to her and likes to drink alcohol. I have talked to her about this but she wouldn't listen.

MisterBanny:
Good day everyone. This topic shouldn't be on this Section, but I really need it to gain traffic urgently reason I am doing this here. My apologies.

I am from a family of four. The eldest. I hail from Plateau state. I lost my Dad when I was 10yrs. After my dad's burial, I went to live with a paternal anty who maltreated me so badly that I almost committed Suicide. I was like a slave. You can think of all the dehumanizing treatments in life. I started High sch. No sponsor.

Same anty never paid my fees for once, yet I was like a slave to her and her children. Throughout my secondary school, there was NO session that I ever wrote complete exams for 1, 2 and 3rd Terms. I would write maybe 6papers and not write the remaining papers, I will miss the next term's exams totally and write a few papers the final term of the session due to not paying sch fees. I was so ridiculed & mocked by my classmates cos of the constant embarrassment. As a result of this, I became an introvert. I couldn't even ask questions in class or socialize with my mates. No friends. My fee was #800 at the time. A private sch. I was so determined to get education & prayed God to pls help me bear whatever I faced at that time.

During this period, my mum who is unlettered stayed back in the village with my siblings and had to remarry. I got really pissed and cried myself out when I heard about the marriage cos I had no prior knowledge about it. My mum up till now has NEVER given me anything like Money in my Life. Highest she ever gave me was 1k at once...

At a point some person's even asked me if I still had a Mum particularly whenever I tried to seek help from them.
I was undeterred, wrote my WAEC, had 4-Distinctions and 4-credits and a Pass in Geography, then wrote JAMB, scored 220 and got admission to the University. I had to Hussle to pay my fees throughout. I spent 8yrs in the University due to money constraints. My mum never showed much concern. At a point I said I would drop out and to my shock, she said I should do so if I wanted to. Thank God I done with my Degree.
During and after NYSC she would always call me almost everyday talking about money. Making demands on me. I was always sending to her cos no matter what, she's my mum.

At a point, I wasn't responding to her calls for months and never sent money again. She started telling people that I wasn't calling her or picking her calls or helping her. She also instigated my younger siblings against me and they started disrespecting me. Anyone of us who has money and gives to her at that particular period is who she will become friends with then starts reporting negative things about others to the person that is currently giving her money. Some things would be done and I will never be aware except an outsider tells me. I felt so bad about all these and I decided to stay aloof and estranged from my family. I don't call except once in a while. My mum has been calling for almost a month now but I haven't picked cos money will be involved in the conversation and I don't have now.
Pls advise me.

The last straw was when I got Mobilized for NYSC and had nothing to even use for transport to the camp. I consulted a cooperative that she belongs in to loan me some money, but did u know that after they accepted to give me the loan the next day, I went back and they started giving me excuses. I later heard from an impeccable memeber of the cooperative that it was my mum that asked them not to grant me the loan. Her reason was that I may not pay back and she didn't want the responsibility of repaying to fall back on her. Same woman that has never given me any dime. Mind you, she has money to buy the latest Wrappers but can't help me.

She attends almost all the burials in the village even when the deceased isn't related to her and likes to drink alcohol. I have talked to her about this but she wouldn't listen.

Sahad1234:
Look boy, YOUR MOTHER IS A MANIPULATOR, A GASLIGHTER ..I mean no disrespect ..

And if you like stay, fraternize with her, let her plunge you into depression again maybe this time you might not survive it .. and guess what? In just a few weeks time she would tie her wrapper unto the next party forgetting you completely to history ...

For God sake why do Nigerians take mental health lightly with the rate of suicides going on in the country we still don't get it .

All in the name of some stupid religious or cultural beliefs ... You hear wetin you talk " she's my mother no matter what"
Like are you joking ? Lol.. there are no family in heaven , every man with him own kettle...
No wife , husband children nor some stupid marriage acknowledgement in heaven .. so why not choose your mental health over your mother ? You want to die young ? You have a whole life ahead of you ... You go get your own family too someday , your children deserve their father too... Ok? Pls do not be disrespectful to her ... Kindly step aside and work on your dream , on your life to make sure your own children won't go through what you went through..

I understand how difficult this is ... It's like an addiction .. very hard to break free from influence of a toxic mother ...

I can tell you are destined for greatness by how you fought hard to be where you are now ...hmmmmm .. I know you need a family regardless... Someone who will call you theirs . In a few years you would be married and having kids if not already... All the love you have to give or get will be yours by then ... Just don't die before that time by being manipulated ...

By the way in this harsh economy person wey don serve 5years ago sef never balance talkless . Why the pressure for money from you?

Look that woman doesn't love you ... The red flags are there ..

I know how much I spent on therapy ... And how many years I spent in this dark clouds ...

This is just an advice ... Pls don't mind me ...

You hear? Just scroll down you go see better advise..

Plus I pray you find the right woman who will understand you ... Cos ain't easy loving a broken man ... Nor a man with mother issues ... Abi I lie? Doesn't this affect your relationship with others ? Or how do you see female folks in general ?
Don't Bleep yourself up pls..

Choose life!!!

Mypeople2:
Brother when you have give it to her, even if it is N2k , N5k or whatever you can give.Be consistent and God will bless you beyond your imagination .Remember the rejected stone becomes the chief corner stone

Luu40:
She is your mom. Go easy on her. Help her when you can.

One advice I will give you, and any other person you share such problems with is:
1. They're the only family you've got. Even though they act very bad, please don't sever ties with them. However, you shouldn't be stupid either. Help them with what you can, at any time, and in a manner that doesn't make you feel bad.

2. When you have a wife and kids, please be that adult to them that you had wanted for yourself but couldn't get. Be a good man to them, let your life not be like your mom's in any way.

May God help you.

MisterBanny:
Thanks so much Bro. I appreciate you. You took out time to be elaborate in your counsel. God bless you. I have never been in a relationship all my life

MisterBanny:
Good day everyone. This topic shouldn't be on this Section, but I really need it to gain traffic urgently reason I am doing this here. My apologies.

I am from a family of four. The eldest. I hail from Plateau state. I lost my Dad when I was 10yrs. After my dad's burial, I went to live with a paternal anty who maltreated me so badly that I almost committed Suicide. I was like a slave. You can think of all the dehumanizing treatments in life. I started High sch. No sponsor.

Same anty never paid my fees for once, yet I was like a slave to her and her children. Throughout my secondary school, there was NO session that I ever wrote complete exams for 1, 2 and 3rd Terms. I would write maybe 6papers and not write the remaining papers, I will miss the next term's exams totally and write a few papers the final term of the session due to not paying sch fees. I was so ridiculed & mocked by my classmates cos of the constant embarrassment. As a result of this, I became an introvert. I couldn't even ask questions in class or socialize with my mates. No friends. My fee was #800 at the time. A private sch. I was so determined to get education & prayed God to pls help me bear whatever I faced at that time.

During this period, my mum who is unlettered stayed back in the village with my siblings and had to remarry. I got really pissed and cried myself out when I heard about the marriage cos I had no prior knowledge about it. My mum up till now has NEVER given me anything like Money in my Life. Highest she ever gave me was 1k at once...

At a point some person's even asked me if I still had a Mum particularly whenever I tried to seek help from them.
I was undeterred, wrote my WAEC, had 4-Distinctions and 4-credits and a Pass in Geography, then wrote JAMB, scored 220 and got admission to the University. I had to Hussle to pay my fees throughout. I spent 8yrs in the University due to money constraints. My mum never showed much concern. At a point I said I would drop out and to my shock, she said I should do so if I wanted to. Thank God I done with my Degree.
During and after NYSC she would always call me almost everyday talking about money. Making demands on me. I was always sending to her cos no matter what, she's my mum.

At a point, I wasn't responding to her calls for months and never sent money again. She started telling people that I wasn't calling her or picking her calls or helping her. She also instigated my younger siblings against me and they started disrespecting me. Anyone of us who has money and gives to her at that particular period is who she will become friends with then starts reporting negative things about others to the person that is currently giving her money. Some things would be done and I will never be aware except an outsider tells me. I felt so bad about all these and I decided to stay aloof and estranged from my family. I don't call except once in a while. My mum has been calling for almost a month now but I haven't picked cos money will be involved in the conversation and I don't have now.
Pls advise me.

The last straw was when I got Mobilized for NYSC and had nothing to even use for transport to the camp. I consulted a cooperative that she belongs in to loan me some money, but did u know that after they accepted to give me the loan the next day, I went back and they started giving me excuses. I later heard from an impeccable memeber of the cooperative that it was my mum that asked them not to grant me the loan. Her reason was that I may not pay back and she didn't want the responsibility of repaying to fall back on her. Same woman that has never given me any dime. Mind you, she has money to buy the latest Wrappers but can't help me.

She attends almost all the burials in the village even when the deceased isn't related to her and likes to drink alcohol. I have talked to her about this but she wouldn't listen.

rajiedreez:
Ok, you meet yourself in a very bad situation. But the Nigeria society is such that will overlook whatever you've gone through negatively from your parent all for the fact that they birthed you. On this premise, you'll not disown your mother nor your siblings. If you find it really difficult to relate with them as a family, just try to see them as a responsibility and do the best you can for them.

Was your father a responsible father when he was alive?

bukatyne:
First off, apologies you had to go through such an harrowing experience.

You need to forgive your mother, aunt, siblings and others who have hurt it.

The forgiveness is for your own healing else you would be carrying bitterness in your heart which can cause physical health issues and let them live rent free in your head.

Forgiveness doesn't mean forcing a relationship with them or continuing to make yourself available for them to cause you further pain.

You should also explore therapy before entering into relationships so you don't carry that baggage to your lady. Personally, forgiveness and building a relationship with God works wonders.

@ Black tax: focus on standing on your feet. After you have stood on your feet, you can place your mother on a monthly stipend that you can comfortably afford. Then she can't bother you or initiate unnecessary contact because she knows a certain amount is coming in at the end of the month.

In the interim, stop fuelling her excesses; if she wants to attend burials or other functions, she should make her money to sponsor them or rely on her husband.

It is well with you.

Danmisra:
Your childhood and experience was bad just similar to those living with toxic parent,it is not easy.
The case of your family is that of inadequate parent. These are parent that don't care about their children's need financially, emotional etc in fact they expect the children to take care of the them while the children are small or are still growing up , that is their character.
The solution to this kind of parent is to call them direct or indirectly tell them that enough is enough , set boundaries ( financial , their regular request etc) let them know . Also inform your uncles that are indirectly supporting this bad character she is doing cos it draining , emotional , and physically. This way you have expose her because toxic parent the don't want to be shamed and they like to keep their bad character a secret thereby controlling the family and holding the family tight and spreading their toxic lifestyle or their distorted image of reality to their children.
Pls be kind to her ( what u can afford) she is stil Ur mother and sometimes they parent cannot be blamed cos of the way they were brought up and their background ( literates or not ) . You just have to forgive them and move on. You mentioned she didn't went to school so she doesn't know the value of school I assume.
There is something called non-defensive response pls go and learn it because that is the best way to talk to bad or toxic paren ( u can learn it in a book called toxic parent by Susan .....)
But pls don't forget to tell her directly or indirectly how you have to live all these years with all these emotional trauma,abandonment etc and setting boundaries , it is extremely important.
I hope you life gets better and turn a new leaf away from all these suffering.