Justbehave:
Would you have given such advice assuming he was talking about his father? Be honest

I don't know but I am not gender biase here .. Although I know it's natural to come hard on the man ..

Babangidapikin:

I don't know but I am not gender biase here .. Although I know it's natural to come hard on the man ..

ok.

lordfemzy:
Hello friends,

I am please asking for all the genuine help i can get right now to deal with an issue that has tormented me all the days of my life. I am open to criticism if it comes my way.

Situation: my mum (biological mother) is extremely lazy, lacks discipline, difficult to advice and very manipulative. However the laziness aspect is my main issue.

A brief history of myself, i am currently in my late 30s, firstborn and only male, with 2 sisters also in their 30s. I have been managing her case for the past 30 years since our father passed. I should mention that her mental health isn't that perfect and she suffers breakdown at least once a year whenever she misses her drugs. The nature of her breakdown is that she will keep on talking about most events from the past and view them in a negative way, she gets violent at times and uses foul words while cursing anyone who she thinks has wronged her. I pray non of us reading this will experience this in their families.

The chaos we experience whenever there is a breakdown is something i don't wish for my enemy at all, the effect is draining financially, emotionally and in various other ways you can think of. Infact looking back i owe God a lot of gratitude for the strength and courage he has given me and by extension my sisters in managing her very tricky situation. The shame, embarrassment, wasted time and efforts, lost opportunities that have come with her condition can only be imagined. I have had to sleep over at the hospitals various times whenever she's on admission running into weeks at times, i have had to represent the family at functions she was suppose to attend but due to ill health. I was lucky i didn't fail any of my last papers in Uni cos she was on admission, i missed a second class upper courtesy of my mums condition, the only 2 courses i ever failed in my 4 years at the Uni can be linked to her condition. I had to practically plan and organise a wedding for our last born cos she was on hospital bed. Some of her breakdowns happen whenever an occasion or celebration within the family is about to happen... my 21st birthday, final exams leading to graduation in uni, weeks to my wedding, weeks to her second born wedding, a whole month to our last born wedding, funeral of her mother in law, funerals of our grandparents, her own 60th birthday... the list is so long and at times i almost consider it spiritual but i am better informed.

In the last 2 years or thereabout i have been able to connect a few dots and patterns based on what i have experienced and seen. When my mum and her siblings (five) were being raised, the kind of family setup was such that cousins, distant cousins and relatives lived with them. This was because her late dad was a University lecturer, probably the 1st in his Hometown and granny was a primary school teacher, you know how it was in those days. I was able to understand that my mom and most of her siblings except one practically lived a life free of stress cos they had other relatives who were willing and at disposal to do major chores and take up responsibilities at home, they sort of lived a carefree life. I have stayed and lived a couple of times with these other siblings of my mum due to various reasons like holidays from boarding school, moving to another location for job opportunities etc.

I can practically tell from what i have seen with this people. All her life, things were being done for her and she's just free to do anything she wants apart from chores. Even her building project though her own money and sweat was an initiative of her late parents. They were practically her project manager and support system throughout their lifetime. Its a good thing to do but not setting limits and not being hard has it own detriments eventually, cos till date she's entirely reliant on anyone available to do even the simplest of chores. Let me quickly breakdown some of her acts and attitude which is very injurious to her own health.

1. The first on the list and perhaps the most annoying one is her laziness and OMG it reeks to the heavens. She avoids responsibilities and doesn't do house chores and generally procrastinates. My mum will use the toilet in her room and even living room and not flush properly on a constant basis. She does this even when she travels elsewhere. My mum can eat but cannot wash her plates and utensils, she will leave her plates in the living room for days or just anywhere, pots will pile up in the kitchen and will not be cleaned until every other option is exhausted and a new meal must be made. She will not lay her bed or change sheets constantly. She doesn't dress smartly and lacks good wardrobe management. She doesn't sweep, her corridor may not be touched in weeks same with other rooms in her apartment. Shes doesn't bother if she's unkept. Whenever she eases herself, due to her carefree attitude she will leave stained urine on her clothe and she will wear this throughout the day causing mayhem wherever she goes. Just add anything you can thing of as examples, you will find it with my mum. The annoying thing here is that if you advice her or suggest a change, she will rebuke you and tell you your are insulting her.

2. She's carefree and lacks good financial management. She earns well over 100K per month as pension and if we calculate her expenses per month she should have over 30 to 35k as savings. You can never account for how she spends her money! 10 days into a new month, the money is gone. Most times her friends abroad send her free money from and she will just squander the money on frivolities. She has a small shop that she runs, but for her to even stock the place sef na issue, she doesnt have a separate account for business and no stock is taken end of month or at least a quarter. We actually warned her against the line of business as its very common and the profit isn't much. We have practically considered her carelessness, carefree attitude and inability to keep things safe and warned against the shop idea. In the last 3 years she has lost 2 phones of high value. As if she likes to brag, whenever shes having discussion about money that is in her favour, maybe salary or someone abroad sends her money, she will begin to speak at the top of her voice such that an average person passing round can almost get full details. We have severally warned her against this but no luck at all. The consequence is that she has been defrauded a couple of times, you can act as a fake customer care agent of any bank and ask my mum for sensitive details like card number, password and she will give you immediately without a second thought despite the fact that she has been warned repeatedly. As a matter of fact she doesn't listen to her children's counsel or advice, but anybody from outside will give her advice and she ll make us of that one. She once told me off that i am not in any position to advice her that shes older than me and it should be the other way round. But when all the shit happens yours truly will be the one managing d situation.

3. She's manipulative. My mum is a master in this game and i am ashamed of her actions. I can't even mention some of the things she has done to my wife and I on this platform. She lies, deny incidences and things she has said. About her drugs, there is just one rule, do not skip any of morning or evening doses. Whenever she does she will never own up to you and when the effect is now seen, she will still try to cover up by saying she can't remember.

4. She's unforgiving. My mum is the last person you want to offend, even things that shouldn't be considered will be used against you when the time comes. For instance my mum may give someone raw food out of her own freewill or maybe the person asked for it, but months from that time the story can change that the person is the one stealing raw food or looting her house.

I apologise this is a long read and i can't even explain a quarter of what is going on at the moment, but the summary is that her laziness and lack of motivation is driving me nuts, i always have to bear and manage the consequences whenever shit happens. Its not easy for me cos i have my own family to manage and the responsibility is killing. Currently her househelp resigned 2 months back and the house has been a mess since then, she does practically nothing. I have been attending a workshop for the last one week and heard she's been feeding on puff puff and cornflakes every other day without making stew or soup and eating real food. This is a woman that money on her, even if you are lazy to cook, why not indulge yourself and patronise eateries till you have motivation to enter kitchen. Why not even make an arrangement for someone to come cook food for you everyday amd pay the person weekly or daily. We have to think for her and suggest things that require no initiative in most cases. I had to go and buy beef and made blended stew for her last weekend for example to motivate her amd assist like i always do. When i got back the following weekend, the stew wasn't even half used and there was mould on it indicating that she never cooked a serious meal, she was probably buying bread and removing the meat until it finished and lost interest in even heating the stew to warm.

Its more like if i don't do things for her, she will make herself fall into a state where she will enter deep sickness or starvation or depression such that people will see me as a bad person if anything sould happen to her. Already she has created that impression and she's living the lifestyle. Its been two weeks she's has remained indoors for no reason, no opening of shop, no cooking, no cleaning, no laundry, no strolling out and always expecting unknown help from anywhere it comes from. I have told her to pick herself up that help is something we must give ourselves. I have to go out to work daily not sitting down to baby sit my mum who is not an invalid. Her body is complete with no defects but i can't just help her laziness and attitude anylonger, its choking for me and i can't take ot anymore or do more than i have been doing. I have literally carried this woman for the most productive part of my life and done nothing wrong just loving my mother unconditionally. I have come to a point where i have to move on and break some unnecessary connections for my sanity and future of myself amd immediate family.

Please help and advice me guys on what to do. When she not in good health mentally na wahala and serious commotion and when shes stable, i have to battle with laziness, constant manipulations, carefree lifestyle, lack of discipline and vision and lots more. I have endured these cycle for too long. Also note that my sisters are married and are not even available at all, one is overseas and the other in a faraway state. I may not have touched some areas cos the issue too plenty but if questions are asked i would digress into it and share details truthfully. God bless

Moderator Sir/Ma, i beg you to help me push this to front page. I am not feeling good at all. Thanks

This is a clear case of psychosis. She will require an admission,persuasion and all other means of care.She needs further medical and psychological treatment.

lordfemzy:
Hello friends,

I am please asking for all the genuine help i can get right now to deal with an issue that has tormented me all the days of my life. I am open to criticism if it comes my way.

Situation: my mum (biological mother) is extremely lazy, lacks discipline, difficult to advice and very manipulative. However the laziness aspect is my main issue.

A brief history of myself, i am currently in my late 30s, firstborn and only male, with 2 sisters also in their 30s. I have been managing her case for the past 30 years since our father passed. I should mention that her mental health isn't that perfect and she suffers breakdown at least once a year whenever she misses her drugs. The nature of her breakdown is that she will keep on talking about most events from the past and view them in a negative way, she gets violent at times and uses foul words while cursing anyone who she thinks has wronged her. I pray non of us reading this will experience this in their families.

The chaos we experience whenever there is a breakdown is something i don't wish for my enemy at all, the effect is draining financially, emotionally and in various other ways you can think of. Infact looking back i owe God a lot of gratitude for the strength and courage he has given me and by extension my sisters in managing her very tricky situation. The shame, embarrassment, wasted time and efforts, lost opportunities that have come with her condition can only be imagined. I have had to sleep over at the hospitals various times whenever she's on admission running into weeks at times, i have had to represent the family at functions she was suppose to attend but due to ill health. I was lucky i didn't fail any of my last papers in Uni cos she was on admission, i missed a second class upper courtesy of my mums condition, the only 2 courses i ever failed in my 4 years at the Uni can be linked to her condition. I had to practically plan and organise a wedding for our last born cos she was on hospital bed. Some of her breakdowns happen whenever an occasion or celebration within the family is about to happen... my 21st birthday, final exams leading to graduation in uni, weeks to my wedding, weeks to her second born wedding, a whole month to our last born wedding, funeral of her mother in law, funerals of our grandparents, her own 60th birthday... the list is so long and at times i almost consider it spiritual but i am better informed.

In the last 2 years or thereabout i have been able to connect a few dots and patterns based on what i have experienced and seen. When my mum and her siblings (five) were being raised, the kind of family setup was such that cousins, distant cousins and relatives lived with them. This was because her late dad was a University lecturer, probably the 1st in his Hometown and granny was a primary school teacher, you know how it was in those days. I was able to understand that my mom and most of her siblings except one practically lived a life free of stress cos they had other relatives who were willing and at disposal to do major chores and take up responsibilities at home, they sort of lived a carefree life. I have stayed and lived a couple of times with these other siblings of my mum due to various reasons like holidays from boarding school, moving to another location for job opportunities etc.

I can practically tell from what i have seen with this people. All her life, things were being done for her and she's just free to do anything she wants apart from chores. Even her building project though her own money and sweat was an initiative of her late parents. They were practically her project manager and support system throughout their lifetime. Its a good thing to do but not setting limits and not being hard has it own detriments eventually, cos till date she's entirely reliant on anyone available to do even the simplest of chores. Let me quickly breakdown some of her acts and attitude which is very injurious to her own health.

1. The first on the list and perhaps the most annoying one is her laziness and OMG it reeks to the heavens. She avoids responsibilities and doesn't do house chores and generally procrastinates. My mum will use the toilet in her room and even living room and not flush properly on a constant basis. She does this even when she travels elsewhere. My mum can eat but cannot wash her plates and utensils, she will leave her plates in the living room for days or just anywhere, pots will pile up in the kitchen and will not be cleaned until every other option is exhausted and a new meal must be made. She will not lay her bed or change sheets constantly. She doesn't dress smartly and lacks good wardrobe management. She doesn't sweep, her corridor may not be touched in weeks same with other rooms in her apartment. Shes doesn't bother if she's unkept. Whenever she eases herself, due to her carefree attitude she will leave stained urine on her clothe and she will wear this throughout the day causing mayhem wherever she goes. Just add anything you can thing of as examples, you will find it with my mum. The annoying thing here is that if you advice her or suggest a change, she will rebuke you and tell you your are insulting her.

2. She's carefree and lacks good financial management. She earns well over 100K per month as pension and if we calculate her expenses per month she should have over 30 to 35k as savings. You can never account for how she spends her money! 10 days into a new month, the money is gone. Most times her friends abroad send her free money from and she will just squander the money on frivolities. She has a small shop that she runs, but for her to even stock the place sef na issue, she doesnt have a separate account for business and no stock is taken end of month or at least a quarter. We actually warned her against the line of business as its very common and the profit isn't much. We have practically considered her carelessness, carefree attitude and inability to keep things safe and warned against the shop idea. In the last 3 years she has lost 2 phones of high value. As if she likes to brag, whenever shes having discussion about money that is in her favour, maybe salary or someone abroad sends her money, she will begin to speak at the top of her voice such that an average person passing round can almost get full details. We have severally warned her against this but no luck at all. The consequence is that she has been defrauded a couple of times, you can act as a fake customer care agent of any bank and ask my mum for sensitive details like card number, password and she will give you immediately without a second thought despite the fact that she has been warned repeatedly. As a matter of fact she doesn't listen to her children's counsel or advice, but anybody from outside will give her advice and she ll make us of that one. She once told me off that i am not in any position to advice her that shes older than me and it should be the other way round. But when all the shit happens yours truly will be the one managing d situation.

3. She's manipulative. My mum is a master in this game and i am ashamed of her actions. I can't even mention some of the things she has done to my wife and I on this platform. She lies, deny incidences and things she has said. About her drugs, there is just one rule, do not skip any of morning or evening doses. Whenever she does she will never own up to you and when the effect is now seen, she will still try to cover up by saying she can't remember.

4. She's unforgiving. My mum is the last person you want to offend, even things that shouldn't be considered will be used against you when the time comes. For instance my mum may give someone raw food out of her own freewill or maybe the person asked for it, but months from that time the story can change that the person is the one stealing raw food or looting her house.

I apologise this is a long read and i can't even explain a quarter of what is going on at the moment, but the summary is that her laziness and lack of motivation is driving me nuts, i always have to bear and manage the consequences whenever shit happens. Its not easy for me cos i have my own family to manage and the responsibility is killing. Currently her househelp resigned 2 months back and the house has been a mess since then, she does practically nothing. I have been attending a workshop for the last one week and heard she's been feeding on puff puff and cornflakes every other day without making stew or soup and eating real food. This is a woman that money on her, even if you are lazy to cook, why not indulge yourself and patronise eateries till you have motivation to enter kitchen. Why not even make an arrangement for someone to come cook food for you everyday amd pay the person weekly or daily. We have to think for her and suggest things that require no initiative in most cases. I had to go and buy beef and made blended stew for her last weekend for example to motivate her amd assist like i always do. When i got back the following weekend, the stew wasn't even half used and there was mould on it indicating that she never cooked a serious meal, she was probably buying bread and removing the meat until it finished and lost interest in even heating the stew to warm.

Its more like if i don't do things for her, she will make herself fall into a state where she will enter deep sickness or starvation or depression such that people will see me as a bad person if anything sould happen to her. Already she has created that impression and she's living the lifestyle. Its been two weeks she's has remained indoors for no reason, no opening of shop, no cooking, no cleaning, no laundry, no strolling out and always expecting unknown help from anywhere it comes from. I have told her to pick herself up that help is something we must give ourselves. I have to go out to work daily not sitting down to baby sit my mum who is not an invalid. Her body is complete with no defects but i can't just help her laziness and attitude anylonger, its choking for me and i can't take ot anymore or do more than i have been doing. I have literally carried this woman for the most productive part of my life and done nothing wrong just loving my mother unconditionally. I have come to a point where i have to move on and break some unnecessary connections for my sanity and future of myself amd immediate family.

Please help and advice me guys on what to do. When she not in good health mentally na wahala and serious commotion and when shes stable, i have to battle with laziness, constant manipulations, carefree lifestyle, lack of discipline and vision and lots more. I have endured these cycle for too long. Also note that my sisters are married and are not even available at all, one is overseas and the other in a faraway state. I may not have touched some areas cos the issue too plenty but if questions are asked i would digress into it and share details truthfully. God bless

Moderator Sir/Ma, i beg you to help me push this to front page. I am not feeling good at all. Thanks

So sorry mate.
You see the world has degenerated. If u are informed really u will know that all of us have mental sickness in various ways to varying degrees.
Do not blame your mum much. She is mentally sick. Her upbringing may have helped maximize it, but u can’t blame the upbringing entirely for her condition. At least u can look at her siblings that shared the same upbringing and I am sure they do not all behave like that.
How u can make the effect less heavy on u is to come to terms with this. It’s ur reality.
She just doesn’t have the mental strength and emotional awareness to behave better than she is behaving. You see her as a liar but God sees those things as weakness. This is why God judges differently to man. A man may lynch and burn somebody that stole a phone in a store, but then God knows the man is suffering from a mental illness known as kleptomania.
May God bless u with the necessary resources. Keep doing what u can for her so ur children can learn from ur example. U do not know what will become of u too in the future and u will want ur children to always come through for u.
I credit u for ur resilience so far. U still have about 50years of such resilience. It’s a small time... just 50years. CHEERS BRO

I'm sorry about what you're going through.

Despite your long story, some important information are missing out.

As a pensioner, definitely she had worked for a couple of years. Was she lazy at her work duties back then?

I couldn't get it off my head how a lazy woman raised a responsible son like you. How did it all started? You only tell how she was raised up with her cousins staying with her. This could have added up to her laziness growing up but it can't be this worst. I will narrow the problem to the demise and the mental illness.

This is a difficult time. Take her to a psychologist and also explain how lazy she's to the Doctor if you haven't to extend their medical support.

You've tried, I commend your tenacity. Never stop how you take care of her.

Your mom is lazy?
Be careful.

Your father endured all this Tufiakwa. There is nothing you can do. Face your life and let her face hers.

She needs companion... make Una find her boyfriend ooo the way she go change go shock all of una.
Wereare the girls nah

ednut1:
Your father endured all this Tufiakwa. There is nothing you can do. Face your life and let her face hers.

His dad was a strong and patient man. He must have passed through alot without any body to understand what he was passing through. Maybe one of the reasons he died early. Who knows

So sorry for your situation but most of the issues listed here can be traced to the mental imbalance. Has the condition being properly diagnosed? The thing is she herself may not have control over her actions.
I will advice you not to stop caring and encourage your younger ones to contribute. She will not be with you forever, do your bit while she is here. You owe are that much. Danke.

Find your mom another sane man to marry. Shikena.

I advice you to do everything possible to protect her since you knew her problems already.
I was practically in your on my mums too. Except that my mother is not the lazy type.

Try and get her a close relative or house help to live with her. Mental health is a big issue. She needs all the attention she can get in order not to get depressed.
I and my siblings could not get anybody to live with my mum and it costs us her life at the end.
I still miss her so much till today after 3 years of her demise and i wish i could turn back the hands of time.

You are referring to mama wey born you as lazy

Don't let say what is my mouth.....it will be too big for you to bear and I don't want you to hear words that will make you go depression if you are not depressed already.

Wao !bro has a very long matters on hands.you have proven to be a great son bro, I congratulate you on how far you have been able to go with her on this. Lots of questions here begging to be answered;(1)we're are the other two ladies dem don die ni ?if they can also co-partake with you in this ..you won't be this troubled and challenged (2)do you have momma's history from kids age while with her parents ?is she the lousy type ?(3)you are of age too,while she use to be with your dad was she this way too ?? She is not the first to be in this kind of case sir, most of us here have such testimonies , if it only ended at her been just physco ..but that manipulative, insensitive and untidy part has nothing to do with mental matter abeg o ,!it has to do with foundation or root (any African go code me well)(4)how was your day able to manage her excesses (if she had any then)I heard she lost her hussy 30 yrs or so ? and how old were you wen daddy died and how was she able to raise you three ? If this questions and more can get answered ,then we can profer some kind of solution to part of the trouble on ground sir.But I must SALUTE U ,YOU ARE A WORTYH SON. If I were to give a little counsel here to you and your wife ,pls shift small and give your wife good attention before you cause your wife to run mad too,the you too need ample time for your mental health , I survived entering into total depression last month ...having been under a millitary brought up ally life with a gallant life style , I do not wish any one enter into that phase.

Thank you so much sir, several househelps have come in the past and more will still come. Just like you said they don't stay for long on the job. Whenever any new help comes on board, they just start work immediately, she doesn't set any rules or regulations, no boundaries and all that. Because of the free hand she gives to them, there is no clear distinction between employer and employee leading series of misunderstanding. Unfortunately she's unable to control these and can only complain. In most cases her actions also pisses off the help and this cycle continues until the help terminates the employment.

nairalanda1:
This is a serious matter indeed.

The major complication is her mental illness. The 'problem' with mental illness is that the sufferer has to first know that he or she is not well, which would enable them to take their medication properly..and most times many of them don't know they are sick...they think they are all right.

I don't have much advise to give you. I think you should get a househelp for her...but lord knows, that househelp is going to walk off the job in minutes because of your mother's issues.

Anyway, wiser heads should be able to give better advice. For now, I wish you God's strength and wisdom in this matter in triple portion.


P.S

this topic deserves front page please man.

What if you were not close to her?your YOUNGER sisters should even be the one to be carrying her wahala NOT you..as a man sef you have tried,it's obvious your mum has issues,maybe she wants to die so il suggest if that's what she wants then let her have her wish so that everyone will even rest,how can she be so bad to the extent of not warming soup you cooked for her?Omoh it's because she knows you will always run to her aid that's why she is doing all this..she is just 60 so she isn't old na she is just really careless. Too bad.

malcom1X:

Just give her grandchildren. People that can keep her company when you're not around.

My children are still young and unfortunately i cant guarantee their safety with her.

lordfemzy:
Thank you so much sir, several househelps have come in the past and more will still come. Just like you said they don't stay for long on the job. Whenever any new help comes on board, they just start work immediately, she doesn't set any rules or regulations, no boundaries and all that. Because of the free hand she gives to them, there is no clear distinction between employer and employee leading series of misunderstanding. Unfortunately she's unable to control these and can only complain. In most cases her actions also pisses off the help and this cycle continues until the help terminates the employment.

Good. Perhaps you should be the one who sets the rules for the house help yourself. Instead of mama.

Hope things go well for you and family

Kobojunkie:
lordfemzy, you and your wife should sit down and write a good book about this mother of yours. Reading through your Op, I kept wondering if there could be more tory inside the tory.

This is just the story sir, as painful as it is i have nothing to hide

I'm so sorry about what you are going through, but living with anyone going through a mental disorder. It's one of the most nerve racking situation you can ever imagine. It's better imagined than experienced
Please treat your mom with the last love you have, because she has no idea what she does. Laziness is also a symptom of most mental disorder. manipulation or lies she tells is because she has no idea when she does that. She might have a beautiful soul but I'm sorry to let you know that maybe she never started her treatment on time, which led to a chronic stage. Due to this she ain't responding to treatment. Please treat you mum very well because she might not stay for long and parents her like God on earth.The issue is you don't understand what she is going through. I don't wish a mental disorder for my enemies. Because it's the worst ailment that can happen to anyone . To me I see the individuals living with it as people lost but still lalive, till their maker calls them home, they are always source of embarrassment to themselves and family. She knows she is not okay I can bet it with you she also cries before she go to bed and ask God to take it away. But it is what it is.

Love your mom regardless so that you won't regret it and wish to turn back the hands of time.

The Genesis of all this issues is the mental health matter.

The way you write about this about your mom is disheartening especially since you are saying she has mental issues, what if she can't help all these attributes she's displaying.

You know the source of the problem yourself.

buttlover:
Did any of your sibling died or ran away(the one she dearly loved) some oldies get annoying when reaching 60.

We are all alive and doing well by God's grace sir

malcom1X:

Just give her grandchildren. People that can keep her company when you're not around.

That will complicate the issue.
The laziness is a sign of the mental illness

Stevenbright:
At the moment she is leaving alone, which is not good for her type of person. Get her a matured house help. Someone who is kind, has her own family but need the work.

She should be well paid, she should become a friend and jist mate with your mom not just a house help.

With this, you will be able to take a break and breathe while focusing on yourself and family.

We are working on this sir, i appreciate your suggestion

fostermd:
I am a Psychiatrist in Europe and it's quite obvious which you already know there is a mental disorder.

You should not blame her,do not stigmatise her and the condition.She needs empathy and good care from complement if Psychiatrist,nurses and support workers.
She definitely needs her medication reviewed, get someone to supervise her medication, help her with her meals and other activities.

If she were abroad,she might need to live in a supported accommodation if the family cannot provide 24 hours care for her.

So please,kindly arrange urgent review and get psychosocial support in addition to her medication. Desist from blaming her and show her love.

The long developmental milestone you gave indicated that she had parental.support to thrive.There might be other issues I can't mention here because it's a public forum and for her dignity.

You are a good man. You earned my Respect

tommy589:
I thought I have seen it all. This is a new one

You did not say a word about your dad,I guess he is no longer in her life. Well,you are in for a long ride. She is not going to change and I think you already know that

I mentioned my dad passed when we were young.

One of your sisters can take her in and cater for her. Women are good and they have the patience to manage difficult situations.

ChybuzzDD:


Maybe, when you realize that whatever political decision you guys take affects every facet of people's lives, you may do better next time.

Stop derailing thread

I sent you a message

lordfemzy:
Hello friends,

I am please asking for all the genuine help i can get right now to deal with an issue that has tormented me all the days of my life. I am open to criticism if it comes my way.

Situation: my mum (biological mother) is extremely lazy, lacks discipline, difficult to advice and very manipulative. However the laziness aspect is my main issue.

A brief history of myself, i am currently in my late 30s, firstborn and only male, with 2 sisters also in their 30s. I have been managing her case for the past 30 years since our father passed. I should mention that her mental health isn't that perfect and she suffers breakdown at least once a year whenever she misses her drugs. The nature of her breakdown is that she will keep on talking about most events from the past and view them in a negative way, she gets violent at times and uses foul words while cursing anyone who she thinks has wronged her. I pray non of us reading this will experience this in their families.

The chaos we experience whenever there is a breakdown is something i don't wish for my enemy at all, the effect is draining financially, emotionally and in various other ways you can think of. Infact looking back i owe God a lot of gratitude for the strength and courage he has given me and by extension my sisters in managing her very tricky situation. The shame, embarrassment, wasted time and efforts, lost opportunities that have come with her condition can only be imagined. I have had to sleep over at the hospitals various times whenever she's on admission running into weeks at times, i have had to represent the family at functions she was suppose to attend but due to ill health. I was lucky i didn't fail any of my last papers in Uni cos she was on admission, i missed a second class upper courtesy of my mums condition, the only 2 courses i ever failed in my 4 years at the Uni can be linked to her condition. I had to practically plan and organise a wedding for our last born cos she was on hospital bed. Some of her breakdowns happen whenever an occasion or celebration within the family is about to happen... my 21st birthday, final exams leading to graduation in uni, weeks to my wedding, weeks to her second born wedding, a whole month to our last born wedding, funeral of her mother in law, funerals of our grandparents, her own 60th birthday... the list is so long and at times i almost consider it spiritual but i am better informed.

In the last 2 years or thereabout i have been able to connect a few dots and patterns based on what i have experienced and seen. When my mum and her siblings (five) were being raised, the kind of family setup was such that cousins, distant cousins and relatives lived with them. This was because her late dad was a University lecturer, probably the 1st in his Hometown and granny was a primary school teacher, you know how it was in those days. I was able to understand that my mom and most of her siblings except one practically lived a life free of stress cos they had other relatives who were willing and at disposal to do major chores and take up responsibilities at home, they sort of lived a carefree life. I have stayed and lived a couple of times with these other siblings of my mum due to various reasons like holidays from boarding school, moving to another location for job opportunities etc.

I can practically tell from what i have seen with this people. All her life, things were being done for her and she's just free to do anything she wants apart from chores. Even her building project though her own money and sweat was an initiative of her late parents. They were practically her project manager and support system throughout their lifetime. Its a good thing to do but not setting limits and not being hard has it own detriments eventually, cos till date she's entirely reliant on anyone available to do even the simplest of chores. Let me quickly breakdown some of her acts and attitude which is very injurious to her own health.

1. The first on the list and perhaps the most annoying one is her laziness and OMG it reeks to the heavens. She avoids responsibilities and doesn't do house chores and generally procrastinates. My mum will use the toilet in her room and even living room and not flush properly on a constant basis. She does this even when she travels elsewhere. My mum can eat but cannot wash her plates and utensils, she will leave her plates in the living room for days or just anywhere, pots will pile up in the kitchen and will not be cleaned until every other option is exhausted and a new meal must be made. She will not lay her bed or change sheets constantly. She doesn't dress smartly and lacks good wardrobe management. She doesn't sweep, her corridor may not be touched in weeks same with other rooms in her apartment. Shes doesn't bother if she's unkept. Whenever she eases herself, due to her carefree attitude she will leave stained urine on her clothe and she will wear this throughout the day causing mayhem wherever she goes. Just add anything you can thing of as examples, you will find it with my mum. The annoying thing here is that if you advice her or suggest a change, she will rebuke you and tell you your are insulting her.

2. She's carefree and lacks good financial management. She earns well over 100K per month as pension and if we calculate her expenses per month she should have over 30 to 35k as savings. You can never account for how she spends her money! 10 days into a new month, the money is gone. Most times her friends abroad send her free money from and she will just squander the money on frivolities. She has a small shop that she runs, but for her to even stock the place sef na issue, she doesnt have a separate account for business and no stock is taken end of month or at least a quarter. We actually warned her against the line of business as its very common and the profit isn't much. We have practically considered her carelessness, carefree attitude and inability to keep things safe and warned against the shop idea. In the last 3 years she has lost 2 phones of high value. As if she likes to brag, whenever shes having discussion about money that is in her favour, maybe salary or someone abroad sends her money, she will begin to speak at the top of her voice such that an average person passing round can almost get full details. We have severally warned her against this but no luck at all. The consequence is that she has been defrauded a couple of times, you can act as a fake customer care agent of any bank and ask my mum for sensitive details like card number, password and she will give you immediately without a second thought despite the fact that she has been warned repeatedly. As a matter of fact she doesn't listen to her children's counsel or advice, but anybody from outside will give her advice and she ll make us of that one. She once told me off that i am not in any position to advice her that shes older than me and it should be the other way round. But when all the shit happens yours truly will be the one managing d situation.

3. She's manipulative. My mum is a master in this game and i am ashamed of her actions. I can't even mention some of the things she has done to my wife and I on this platform. She lies, deny incidences and things she has said. About her drugs, there is just one rule, do not skip any of morning or evening doses. Whenever she does she will never own up to you and when the effect is now seen, she will still try to cover up by saying she can't remember.

4. She's unforgiving. My mum is the last person you want to offend, even things that shouldn't be considered will be used against you when the time comes. For instance my mum may give someone raw food out of her own freewill or maybe the person asked for it, but months from that time the story can change that the person is the one stealing raw food or looting her house.

I apologise this is a long read and i can't even explain a quarter of what is going on at the moment, but the summary is that her laziness and lack of motivation is driving me nuts, i always have to bear and manage the consequences whenever shit happens. Its not easy for me cos i have my own family to manage and the responsibility is killing. Currently her househelp resigned 2 months back and the house has been a mess since then, she does practically nothing. I have been attending a workshop for the last one week and heard she's been feeding on puff puff and cornflakes every other day without making stew or soup and eating real food. This is a woman that money on her, even if you are lazy to cook, why not indulge yourself and patronise eateries till you have motivation to enter kitchen. Why not even make an arrangement for someone to come cook food for you everyday amd pay the person weekly or daily. We have to think for her and suggest things that require no initiative in most cases. I had to go and buy beef and made blended stew for her last weekend for example to motivate her amd assist like i always do. When i got back the following weekend, the stew wasn't even half used and there was mould on it indicating that she never cooked a serious meal, she was probably buying bread and removing the meat until it finished and lost interest in even heating the stew to warm.

Its more like if i don't do things for her, she will make herself fall into a state where she will enter deep sickness or starvation or depression such that people will see me as a bad person if anything sould happen to her. Already she has created that impression and she's living the lifestyle. Its been two weeks she's has remained indoors for no reason, no opening of shop, no cooking, no cleaning, no laundry, no strolling out and always expecting unknown help from anywhere it comes from. I have told her to pick herself up that help is something we must give ourselves. I have to go out to work daily not sitting down to baby sit my mum who is not an invalid. Her body is complete with no defects but i can't just help her laziness and attitude anylonger, its choking for me and i can't take ot anymore or do more than i have been doing. I have literally carried this woman for the most productive part of my life and done nothing wrong just loving my mother unconditionally. I have come to a point where i have to move on and break some unnecessary connections for my sanity and future of myself amd immediate family.

Please help and advice me guys on what to do. When she not in good health mentally na wahala and serious commotion and when shes stable, i have to battle with laziness, constant manipulations, carefree lifestyle, lack of discipline and vision and lots more. I have endured these cycle for too long. Also note that my sisters are married and are not even available at all, one is overseas and the other in a faraway state. I may not have touched some areas cos the issue too plenty but if questions are asked i would digress into it and share details truthfully. God bless

Moderator Sir/Ma, i beg you to help me push this to front page. I am not feeling good at all. Thanks

lordfemzy:


We are working on this sir, i appreciate your suggestion

You are welcome. It is good to know that my little suggestions were of help to you.

Please whoever you guys are hiring, ensure due diligence is involved. Make sure the person's background is known.

She should be someone who is contented, appreciates the salary she is being paid, not take advantage of your mom and can not plan evil against her inorder to covet her properties.

The person should be known to the neighborhood and easily trackable.

My friend go and continue taking care of your mother, If your mother narrates what she went through from the time she took in and gave birth to you guys till adolescent, you guys will keep quiet. No one can replace her. Be always there for her and always correct her politely when she goes astray. from the -time a woman gives birth till adolescence a woman will never sleep. I have 4 children I know what I am saying . Therefore, she has little more days to live, take as much blessing as you can .

You are the one that is lazy not your mom.
It's stupid people like you that see taking care of parents as a big deal.
Idiot human being.