Hello friends,

I am please asking for all the genuine help i can get right now to deal with an issue that has tormented me all the days of my life. I am open to criticism if it comes my way.

Situation: my mum (biological mother) is extremely lazy, lacks discipline, difficult to advice and very manipulative. However the laziness aspect is my main issue.

A brief history of myself, i am currently in my late 30s, firstborn and only male, with 2 sisters also in their 30s. I have been managing her case for the past 30 years since our father passed. I should mention that her mental health isn't that perfect and she suffers breakdown at least once a year whenever she misses her drugs. The nature of her breakdown is that she will keep on talking about most events from the past and view them in a negative way, she gets violent at times and uses foul words while cursing anyone who she thinks has wronged her. I pray non of us reading this will experience this in their families.

The chaos we experience whenever there is a breakdown is something i don't wish for my enemy at all, the effect is draining financially, emotionally and in various other ways you can think of. Infact looking back i owe God a lot of gratitude for the strength and courage he has given me and by extension my sisters in managing her very tricky situation. The shame, embarrassment, wasted time and efforts, lost opportunities that have come with her condition can only be imagined. I have had to sleep over at the hospitals various times whenever she's on admission running into weeks at times, i have had to represent the family at functions she was suppose to attend but due to ill health. I was lucky i didn't fail any of my last papers in Uni cos she was on admission, i missed a second class upper courtesy of my mums condition, the only 2 courses i ever failed in my 4 years at the Uni can be linked to her condition. I had to practically plan and organise a wedding for our last born cos she was on hospital bed. Some of her breakdowns happen whenever an occasion or celebration within the family is about to happen... my 21st birthday, final exams leading to graduation in uni, weeks to my wedding, weeks to her second born wedding, a whole month to our last born wedding, funeral of her mother in law, funerals of our grandparents, her own 60th birthday... the list is so long and at times i almost consider it spiritual but i am better informed.

In the last 2 years or thereabout i have been able to connect a few dots and patterns based on what i have experienced and seen. When my mum and her siblings (five) were being raised, the kind of family setup was such that cousins, distant cousins and relatives lived with them. This was because her late dad was a University lecturer, probably the 1st in his Hometown and granny was a primary school teacher, you know how it was in those days. I was able to understand that my mom and most of her siblings except one practically lived a life free of stress cos they had other relatives who were willing and at disposal to do major chores and take up responsibilities at home, they sort of lived a carefree life. I have stayed and lived a couple of times with these other siblings of my mum due to various reasons like holidays from boarding school, moving to another location for job opportunities etc.

I can practically tell from what i have seen with this people. All her life, things were being done for her and she's just free to do anything she wants apart from chores. Even her building project though her own money and sweat was an initiative of her late parents. They were practically her project manager and support system throughout their lifetime. Its a good thing to do but not setting limits and not being hard has it own detriments eventually, cos till date she's entirely reliant on anyone available to do even the simplest of chores. Let me quickly breakdown some of her acts and attitude which is very injurious to her own health.

1. The first on the list and perhaps the most annoying one is her laziness and OMG it reeks to the heavens. She avoids responsibilities and doesn't do house chores and generally procrastinates. My mum will use the toilet in her room and even living room and not flush properly on a constant basis. She does this even when she travels elsewhere. My mum can eat but cannot wash her plates and utensils, she will leave her plates in the living room for days or just anywhere, pots will pile up in the kitchen and will not be cleaned until every other option is exhausted and a new meal must be made. She will not lay her bed or change sheets constantly. She doesn't dress smartly and lacks good wardrobe management. She doesn't sweep, her corridor may not be touched in weeks same with other rooms in her apartment. Shes doesn't bother if she's unkept. Whenever she eases herself, due to her carefree attitude she will leave stained urine on her clothe and she will wear this throughout the day causing mayhem wherever she goes. Just add anything you can thing of as examples, you will find it with my mum. The annoying thing here is that if you advice her or suggest a change, she will rebuke you and tell you your are insulting her.

2. She's carefree and lacks good financial management. She earns well over 100K per month as pension and if we calculate her expenses per month she should have over 30 to 35k as savings. You can never account for how she spends her money! 10 days into a new month, the money is gone. Most times her friends abroad send her free money from and she will just squander the money on frivolities. She has a small shop that she runs, but for her to even stock the place sef na issue, she doesnt have a separate account for business and no stock is taken end of month or at least a quarter. We actually warned her against the line of business as its very common and the profit isn't much. We have practically considered her carelessness, carefree attitude and inability to keep things safe and warned against the shop idea. In the last 3 years she has lost 2 phones of high value. As if she likes to brag, whenever shes having discussion about money that is in her favour, maybe salary or someone abroad sends her money, she will begin to speak at the top of her voice such that an average person passing round can almost get full details. We have severally warned her against this but no luck at all. The consequence is that she has been defrauded a couple of times, you can act as a fake customer care agent of any bank and ask my mum for sensitive details like card number, password and she will give you immediately without a second thought despite the fact that she has been warned repeatedly. As a matter of fact she doesn't listen to her children's counsel or advice, but anybody from outside will give her advice and she ll make us of that one. She once told me off that i am not in any position to advice her that shes older than me and it should be the other way round. But when all the shit happens yours truly will be the one managing d situation.

3. She's manipulative. My mum is a master in this game and i am ashamed of her actions. I can't even mention some of the things she has done to my wife and I on this platform. She lies, deny incidences and things she has said. About her drugs, there is just one rule, do not skip any of morning or evening doses. Whenever she does she will never own up to you and when the effect is now seen, she will still try to cover up by saying she can't remember.

4. She's unforgiving. My mum is the last person you want to offend, even things that shouldn't be considered will be used against you when the time comes. For instance my mum may give someone raw food out of her own freewill or maybe the person asked for it, but months from that time the story can change that the person is the one stealing raw food or looting her house.

I apologise this is a long read and i can't even explain a quarter of what is going on at the moment, but the summary is that her laziness and lack of motivation is driving me nuts, i always have to bear and manage the consequences whenever shit happens. Its not easy for me cos i have my own family to manage and the responsibility is killing. Currently her househelp resigned 2 months back and the house has been a mess since then, she does practically nothing. I have been attending a workshop for the last one week and heard she's been feeding on puff puff and cornflakes every other day without making stew or soup and eating real food. This is a woman that money on her, even if you are lazy to cook, why not indulge yourself and patronise eateries till you have motivation to enter kitchen. Why not even make an arrangement for someone to come cook food for you everyday amd pay the person weekly or daily. We have to think for her and suggest things that require no initiative in most cases. I had to go and buy beef and made blended stew for her last weekend for example to motivate her amd assist like i always do. When i got back the following weekend, the stew wasn't even half used and there was mould on it indicating that she never cooked a serious meal, she was probably buying bread and removing the meat until it finished and lost interest in even heating the stew to warm.

Its more like if i don't do things for her, she will make herself fall into a state where she will enter deep sickness or starvation or depression such that people will see me as a bad person if anything sould happen to her. Already she has created that impression and she's living the lifestyle. Its been two weeks she's has remained indoors for no reason, no opening of shop, no cooking, no cleaning, no laundry, no strolling out and always expecting unknown help from anywhere it comes from. I have told her to pick herself up that help is something we must give ourselves. I have to go out to work daily not sitting down to baby sit my mum who is not an invalid. Her body is complete with no defects but i can't just help her laziness and attitude anylonger, its choking for me and i can't take ot anymore or do more than i have been doing. I have literally carried this woman for the most productive part of my life and done nothing wrong just loving my mother unconditionally. I have come to a point where i have to move on and break some unnecessary connections for my sanity and future of myself amd immediate family.

Please help and advice me guys on what to do. When she not in good health mentally na wahala and serious commotion and when shes stable, i have to battle with laziness, constant manipulations, carefree lifestyle, lack of discipline and vision and lots more. I have endured these cycle for too long. Also note that my sisters are married and are not even available at all, one is overseas and the other in a faraway state. I may not have touched some areas cos the issue too plenty but if questions are asked i would digress into it and share details truthfully. God bless

Moderator Sir/Ma, i beg you to help me push this to front page. I am not feeling good at all. Thanks

This is a serious matter indeed.

The major complication is her mental illness. The 'problem' with mental illness is that the sufferer has to first know that he or she is not well, which would enable them to take their medication properly..and most times many of them don't know they are sick...they think they are all right.

I don't have much advise to give you. I think you should get a househelp for her...but lord knows, that househelp is going to walk off the job in minutes because of your mother's issues.

Anyway, wiser heads should be able to give better advice. For now, I wish you God's strength and wisdom in this matter in triple portion.


P.S

this topic deserves front page please man.

Just give her grandchildren. People that can keep her company when you're not around.

Wow so many things are happening in this life gaskiya, please seek solution and act fast.

God help us all

lordfemzy, you and your wife should sit down and write a good book about this mother of yours. Reading through your Op, I kept wondering if there could be more tory inside the tory.

Did any of your sibling died or ran away(the one she dearly loved) some oldies get annoying when reaching 60.

At the moment she is leaving alone, which is not good for her type of person. Get her a matured house help. Someone who is kind, has her own family but need the work.

She should be well paid, she should become a friend and jist mate with your mom not just a house help.

With this, you will be able to take a break and breathe while focusing on yourself and family.

I thought I have seen it all. This is a new one

You did not say a word about your dad,I guess he is no longer in her life. Well,you are in for a long ride. She is not going to change and I think you already know that

nairalanda1:
This is a serious matter indeed.

The major complication is her mental illness. The 'problem' with mental illness is that the sufferer has to first know that he or she is not well, which would enable them to take their medication properly..and most times many of them don't know they are sick...they think they are all right.

I don't have much advise to give you. I think you should get a househelp for her...but lord knows, that househelp is going to walk off the job in minutes because of your mother's issues.

Anyway, wiser heads should be able to give better advice. For now, I wish you God's strength and wisdom in this matter in triple portion.
P.S
nlfpmod, this topic deserves front page please man.

See this guy.

Wiser heads from where again?

You guys that convinced us that T!efnubu's thoughtless policies would bring prosperity to Nigeria are the wiser heads, abeg.

ChybuzzDD:


See this guy.

Wiser heads from where again?

You guys that convinced us that T!efnubu's thoughtless policies would bring prosperity to Nigeria are the wiser heads, abeg.

1.I don't support your APC or PDP. I especially do not support a man who spends money on new cars for legislators while we are in debt.

2.This is not the politics thread

3.Grow up.

Greetings Sir.
So sorry about what you are going through. Since you said she has a psychiatric issue did you also tell the doctors about this other aspect of laziness so that they can also fix her dates to see a psychologist.

They have several behavioral therapy sessions that will aid to improve her. This will be seen in all aspects of her life cleanliness, ability to take up responsibility no matter how small etc.


It's going to be a gradual process but she will get there at the end.

Do tell her psychiatrist all the other aspects of her that affects the family so that they can fix appointments with her to regularly see a psychologist.

Thank you and do have a pleasant day ahead Sir

Get her a dog

nairalanda1:


1.I don't support your APC or PDP. I especially do not support a man who spends money on new cars for legislators while we are in debt.

2.This is not the politics thread

3.Grow up.

Maybe, when you realize that whatever political decision you guys take affects every facet of people's lives, you may do better next time.

ChybuzzDD:


Maybe, when you realize that whatever political decision you guys take affects every facet of people's lives, you may do better next time.

It is like you are deaf

I don't support PDP or APC.

Again, I don't support PDP or APC.

Modified


Hell, my argument during the election was that people should vote for the smaller parties. Not Tinubu, not Atiku, not even Obi.

(Some people on Nairaland are living in self delusion like the guy I quoted. They will call you something you are not )

God ooo

He will continue to strengthen you and your family

Is there old people s home in your state of residence or neighboring states..

If there is I will suggest you enroll abi register her there

Try and relocate you and your family too

Xwizard:
Get her a dog

If she is not looking after herself well, how would she look after dog?

This is something else. Could it be that her lack of motivation is as a result of her condition? Can you recall how she behaved before your dad passed on? In addition, you could also get some background information from her siblings to ascertain whether she has always been that way as a kid or her behavior could be due to her condition.

Regardless, I want you to know that there are people like your mom in our lives. They are untidy, indisciplined, manipulative, unambitious and lazy. Unfortunately, there is little you can do about it because they will NEVER change.

The most you can do is hire another maid for her. If that one leaves, hire another, and another. Also if you can, get her a psychologist as this will do her good. You should also stand your ground and reprimand her whenever you feel drained. Let her know her behavior is taking a toll on you and affecting your mental health.

Finally, I want to commend you for being a good son. You are doing what most daughters are expected to do. I really admire your tenacity. Keep it up!

All I can say is that the life ur grandparents lived, how they pampered their children at the expenses of their cousins living with them in those days is what is telling on you guys now

That is why they say what u sow u reap.

I am very sure ur grandparents were never willing to tell ur mother and her siblings to do house chores just because there were others living with them and I am sure the reason ur grandparents were restricting ur mother and her siblings from working is because they thought they are the ones taking care of their relatives children so how else would they be useful to them other than die on top of house chores...

I once had this igbo neighbour and a young girl is living with them, despite the fact that they are having numerous children, they would rather send this young girl to do all the house chores leaving their biological children both male and females to be doing tiktok all around..and they call themselves pastors...lol

Non of their children can make semo. One day I could vividly hear the wife telling my landlord that when she was young her parent didn't teach her and her siblings how to do house chores...lol, stewpeed talk from a stewpeed woman using the young girl as slaves...

A major concern is her mental health.

Can u put her in old people's home

She doesn't need to live by herself anymore.

Im sorry u have to go through this.
Your sisters would have been better in managing this but they are far away.

You can get her another help, however there are also risks to that. They may not last, meaning u keep getting others which ultimately becomes a security risk cos all those helps coming and going know her in and out.

A good caring home for the aged may be the best option if they are available in your location.

On an unrelated note now, a general advise now to the younger. You hardly learn new habits in old age. If u re lazy now that u re young, depending on others to do the simplest of things for you, you will even be lazier and a burden in old age. If u re industrious wen younger and always trying to do ur simple stuffs ur self, u generally will become a self reliant oldie and even last longer. The less active u start becoming in old age, d faster ur body parts wither and ultimately......kapish

With all that you stated, laziness is the least of the problems.
The real issue is deep.

If you don't mind me asking, how was she able to raise you people (her children)?
Have you always remembered her to be the way she is now?
If not, at what point did the situation get worse?

Op. The problem is not lazyness it has to do with mental health issues.

Sorry. OP,about your ordeal but just so you know, your mother will Never changed. She's too far gone for that, with all what you 've detailed here. But you have your life to lead and this isn't healthy for your mental and emotional state at all.

I suggest you drag her, whether she likes it or not, to a good old people' s home where she'll be properly looked after. It isn't even safe for her to keep changing helps, with what we hear in the media nowadays. Alternatively. get a well-recommended family in need of accommodation (from church or distant relatives) to live with her. The rent they will pay is in caring for your mum

If she refuses, I'm afraid you may have to put your own needs above hers. Relocate or simply cut her off from a while.

I really wish you the best of luck.

May God intervene

Based on your narration, i believe she is on Psychotropic medication and a possible issue here is adherence,is she taking the dosage regularly as prescribed?

You and your sisters should work on getting her an adult live-in carer who will oversee her daily functioning, house cleaning, meal preparation, laundry, appointments etc.

She would immensely benefit from talk therapy, try to engage a certified therapist for her because there is a whole lot of psychoanalysis that needs to be done to unpack a lot of things clogging her mind

I hope she gets better managed

Enroll her in an elderly people home

Damnnn niggar

Bros this story too long na

y