₦airaland Forum

mbaise1000:
I never said I will live that kind of life or that I will treat my wife that way or that I support the way the man treated his family, what I am saying basically is that the woman still have a chance at happiness with her husband and that she should try it instead of BEING in self pity and hatred of the man, what is your own advice for her?

Fire , you as a man cannot condone such, so why should she ? 25 years of resentment should dissappear because of peace.. easier said than done.

mbaise1000:
Then what? That will not be enough, will quiting the marriage give her the happiness that she wants or desires according to her story?
Quiting the marriage is certainly not the solution to those things she wants, so don't give your sister a bad advice

All your socalled advise keeps bringing back the sad memories of that late nyamri singer Osinachi.

You don't even consider the effect of his behavior on her mental health for years. Not all marriages will work and in as much as divorce is frowned at sometimes it's the best solution to some marital problems.I don't advise people to stay where they are not happy and wanted.

And you opened your nyash and born four pickin for am?

This a super storeeeerry!

qtguru:
Fire , you as a man cannot condone such, so why should she ? 25 years of resentment should dissappear because of peace.. easier said than done.

And you still haven't given her your own advice, BTW, DID I say that she has an easy choice? I said she had a Cross, and we know that the cross will lead to a happy life, which marriage has being a bed of roses? We are talking of the next best thing to such a person, the Best options left, and do you really believe that divorcing this man and living in unhappiness is the best option left? Being without a husband for the rest of her life? And if she decides to remarry, if there are still takers will be a good idea, knowing fully well that there are possibilities of accepting even a worse person and going through the pains AGAIN? Look at the whole options and give her the advice you will give yourself

Madam, try & seduce your husband again; make him want you.

The deed has already been done.

otipoju:
The house rent is being paid by the woman. The man refused to pay rent saying he can't be paying for rent in lagos and paying another rent for his family back home

Read the story again.
What you are saying was when the man was staying in Lagos. I still insist that if the man is ready to be a husband now and accept his mistakes, the woman should forgive and accept her husband back, this is better than every other option available to her

mbaise1000:
Read the story again.
What you are saying was when the man was staying in Lagos. I still insist that if the man is ready to be a husband now and accept his mistakes, the woman should forgive and accept her husband back, this is better than every other option available to her

No!!! You don't abscond from your duties and responsibilities as a husband to your wife and a father to your children for over 20 years and then demand forgiveness or to be involved in their lives in any way. That is not how life works.

Forget about love. Marriage is about duties and obligations.

otipoju:
No!!! You don't abscond from your duties and responsibilities as a husband to your wife and a father to your children for over 20 years and then demand forgiveness or to be involved in their lives in any way. That is not how life works.

Forget about love. Marriage is about duties and obligations.

So your own advice to her and any other person that might find themselves in such situation is to divorce their spouse?
That is your way and choice, and I will repeat that the laws and ways of God and commandments of Jesus Christ is not for everyone, it's for the children of God only and they will happily follow it.
BTW, youvsid that marriage is about duties and obligations, and not love, I can now understand why you insist that she should divorce her husband.
But I will tell you that marriage should be about Love alone, duties and obligations will be easily and happily be taken care of when marriage is based on Love.
That your statement is even against your position on this fortunately for you, you are still not married and that is why I will wish for you to consider what I said before getting married, for your peace of mind

mbaise1000:
So your own advice to her and any other person that might find themselves in such situation is to divorce their spouse?
That is your way and choice, and I will repeat that the laws and ways of God and commandments of Jesus Christ is not for everyone, it's for the children of God only and they will happily follow it.
BTW, youvsid that marriage is about duties and obligations, and not love, I can now understand why you insist that she should divorce her husband.
But I will tell you that marriage should be about Love alone, duties and obligations will be easily and happily be taken care of when marriage is based on Love.
That your statement is even against your position on this fortunately for you, you are still not married and that is why I will wish for you to consider what I said before getting married, for your peace of mind

An absolute Yes. I've been married for about 10 years now. Your first duty is as a husband to take care if your wife's material and emotional needs by providing for shelter, food and utilities and taking care of her sexual needs. As a father you are responsible for feeding, sheltering, clothing and teaching those children to become responsible adults that can fit into society and be useful to themselves.

If you did not fo any of these, then you have no reason to ask that they be with you after twenty years.

The woman should move out and continue her life. I am with her 100%.

Do you know how many fantastic offers that I have had to let go just because my priority is to raise emotionally and intellectually healthy kids because my precense is more important than my presents.

If this man was even visting regularly and providing for their needs, the case will be different. You abandoned your family and are demanding they accept you after many years.

You were never a husband and you were never their father. You are a stranger to them and you should have no place in their future.

He was a mere sperm donor. Nothing more nothing less.

If this story is true and you resent him so much, divorce him.

Why are people always bias when it comes to husband and wife matter. Women are always the ones advised to endure, even the other party isn't making any positive effort to make things work?

otipoju:
An absolute Yes. I've been married for about 10 years now. Your first duty is as a husband to take care if your wife's material and emotional needs by providing for shelter, food and utilities and taking care of her sexual needs. As a father you are responsible for feeding, sheltering, clothing and teaching those children to become responsible adults that can fit into society and be useful to themselves.

If you did not fo any of these, then you have no reason to ask that they be with you after twenty years.

The woman should move out and continue her life. I am with her 100%.

Do you know how many fantastic offers that I have had to let go just because my priority is to raise emotionally and intellectually healthy kids because my precense is more important than my presents.

If this man was even visting regularly and providing for their needs, the case will be different. You abandoned your family and are demanding they accept you after many years.

You were never a husband and you were never their father. You are a stranger to them and you should have no place in their future.

He was a mere sperm donor. Nothing more nothing less.

There is no one here that said the man did well. The woman is thinking of leaving or staying, and allbo am saying is that she should stay and I gave my reasons, you want her to divorce the husband now that the man maybe has realized his mistakes, what exactly are you suggesting to the woman to do, if she leaves as you are saying? To go marry another man not being sure of what the new husband will turn to or to stay without a man? If she will even consider your advice, she wouldn't be here complaining or seeking for advice to do that. It's not just leaving, suggest to her what she will do after

mbaise1000:
There is no one here that said the man did well. The woman is thinking of leaving or staying, and allbo am saying is that she should stay and I gave my reasons, you want her to divorce the husband now that the man maybe has realized his mistakes, what exactly are you suggesting to the woman to do, if she leaves as you are saying? To go marry another man not being sure of what the new husband will turn to or to stay without a man? If she will even consider your advice, she wouldn't be here complaining or seeking for advice to do that. It's not just leaving, suggest to her what she will do after

The man did not realize any mistake. He is older and is left with very little economic options. You don't leave abandon a woman for over 20 years and expect her to have any feelings for you. He is a selfish man and has no modicum of self respect. He needs to stay away from them.

She needs to tell him to leave the house and go get his own place to live in instead of leeching on her.

Sist, you saw the deadly red flags from the on set, and ended up producing 4 children. WHY ARE YOU THINKING OF LEAVING NOW. WHAT IS OUTSIDE THAT YOU FEEL IS THERE TO ENJOY NOW. Don't do mistakes of leaving because those men outside will only come and taste and run leaving you in a more messier situation that can affect your relationship with the children you have struggled to bring up. Bring back your mind, I know is not easy, but he is a devil you have known for the past 25 years better than the wolf in sheep skin man that may come later.

otipoju:
The man did not realize any mistake. He is older and is left with very little economic options. You don't leave abandon a woman for over 20 years and expect her to have any feelings for you. He is a selfish man and has no modicum of self respect. He needs to stay away from them.

She needs to tell him to leave the house and go get his own place to live in instead of leeching on her.

You are funny, did you even read the story? The woman said yhet the man is back in the village, to their family house, she is going to tell him to leave his father's house for her? I will repeat again, if the woman is going to consider advices like yours, she wouldn't be here in the first place, I still maintain that her best option is to forgive her husband and make up, or as you say divorce her and go find people like who is a saint, possibly a man who is also divorced like her, or again, leave a house and family she has suffered all these years for? And you believe her grown up children are going to go with her?
She must forgive her husband for her to ever have peace again, your advice is very wrong

mbaise1000:
You are funny, did you even read the story? The woman said yhet the man is back in the village, to their family house, she is going to tell him to leave his father's house for her? I will repeat again, if the woman is going to consider advices like yours, she wouldn't be here in the first place, I still maintain that her best option is to forgive her husband and make up, or as you say divorce her and go find people like who is a saint, possibly a man who is also divorced like her, or again, leave a house and family she has suffered all these years for? And you believe her grown up children are going to go with her?
She must forgive her husband for her to ever have peace again, your advice is very wrong

She must forgive her husband to ever have peace!!! As in the useless husband na Prince of Peace.

He needs to stay the f**k out of their lives like he had for 20 years.

otipoju:
She must forgive her husband to ever have peace!!! As in the useless husband na Prince of Peace.

He needs to stay the f**k out of their lives like he had for 20 years.

She didn't say she have peace without the husband either, if she did anyways, she wouldn't be on nairaland lamenting, she came out looking for what is best for her and that is exactly what she will get, you have shown that marriage is not worth anything to you and that you wouldn't think twice before divorcing your spouse if you were in her shoes, there are many like you and there are also many who will not do it and this woman is among those that will not follow your example or advice, circumstances are different, environments where we grow up are different, they way we are brought up are different, some type of people will jump at the slightest opportunity to divorce while others see it as God want them to see it, fortunately this particular woman is not like you.
BTW again, no one in his right mind will support the actions of the man towards his family and BTW again, I didn't say it's her husband that will give her peace but it's her action that will bring her peace of mind, I wouldn't know if you are a Christian or not but for us Christians, what brings peace is keeping the commandments of Jesus, it's in the mind

mbaise1000:
She didn't say she have peace without the husband either, if she did anyways, she wouldn't be on nairaland lamenting, she came out looking for what is best for her and that is exactly what she will get, you have shown that marriage is not worth anything to you and that you wouldn't think twice before divorcing your spouse if you were in her shoes, there are many like you and there are also many who will not do it and this woman is among those that will not follow your example or advice, circumstances are different, environments where we grow up are different, they way we are brought up are different, some type of people will jump at the slightest opportunity to divorce while others see it as God want them to see it, fortunately this particular woman is not like you.
BTW again, no one in his right mind will support the actions of the man towards his family and BTW again, I didn't say it's her husband that will give her peace but it's her action that will bring her peace of mind, I wouldn't know if you are a Christian or not but for us Christians, what brings peace is keeping the commandments of Jesus, it's in the mind

A man who abandons his family for twenty good years is not a husband nor a father.

He was never a husband nor a father and should keep doing whatever he was doing that kept him away from his wife and children for 20 years without caring about where they lived nor how they ate MIT yo talk of protecting them.

It's a different thing if he was providing but absent. He was not providing nether was he present .

Let him get the hell out.

A man embraces his responsibilities. Full stop.

otipoju:
A man who abandons his family for twenty good years is not a husband nor a father.

He was never a husband nor a father and should keep doing whatever he was doing that kept him away from his wife and children for 20 years without caring about where they lived nor how they ate MIT yo talk of protecting them.

It's a different thing if he was providing but absent. He was not providing nether was he present .

Let him get the hell out.

A man embraces his responsibilities. Full stop.

Fortunately, the final decision rests with the woman and she old enough to know that people will take their own frustrations on other people, she is the one that knows what she want to do and if she wants your type of advice, she would have left before now, and I NEVER see anyone here who will say that the man did right in the first place but one thing is still clear, that man has come back to his house and I don't think that man will leave his house for the woman, and no responsible woman will leave a house she has suffered for, for so many years for anyone, she will know what she wants

But you born 4 kids with his “once in a while visit”..You better accept what has happened and move on..

otipoju:
A man who abandons his family for twenty good years is not a husband nor a father.

He was never a husband nor a father and should keep doing whatever he was doing that kept him away from his wife and children for 20 years without caring about where they lived nor how they ate MIT yo talk of protecting them.

It's a different thing if he was providing but absent. He was not providing nether was he present .

Let him get the hell out.

A man embraces his responsibilities. Full stop.

So when she leaves the man,is it not another married man she go jump too?

LoveUdie:
I've been married for 25 years.

My husband and I never lived together under the same roof all these years.

I lived in the South East and worked there before marriage.

After marriage, I offered to resign from my job and join him in Lagos but he rejected the idea.

He said our family needed more financial support from my job.

My Mother and Mother-in-law advised me not to resign from my job and I believe they saw the future.

I also never visited him in Lagos where he resided and worked.

The only time I attempted to visit him in Lagos led to a rift between us.

He threatened to end the marriage and our families had to get involved to resolve the misunderstanding.

He only visited when he liked and that was when it was time for another baby.

We have 4 children together.

Now 25 years later my husband has retired from his job and has moved back to the South East.

The problem is that we live like strangers.

I don't know him and we have no relationship.

We just spent about 1 week together during each of his visits.

He could be gone for over a year without visiting.

The major issue is that I feel a deep sense of resentment for him.

He returned expecting everything to be all lovey-dovey but he is unrealistic.

We never had any conversations, our relationship was so official.

I never enjoyed the marriage which is the main reason for my resentment.

I got married majorly for companionship but I found myself alone like a single woman for 25 years.

If only I knew this was what he had to offer I never would have married him.

Not only did I not have companionship, I hustled like a single mother for 25 years.

My husband never provided any financial support.

At the beginning he kept playing me around each time I asked for money.

After a while he couldn't play around anymore he told me how he didn't live in the apartment so why should he pay for it?

He said the same thing about food and other needs.

I couldn't believe it.

After a heated showdown, his Mother and my Mother had a heart-to-heart talk with me, telling me to take care of my needs as I could.

I also had to cater to our children's needs after he kept dragging his feet.

I felt like I married myself.

I had a husband yet I was hustling like I was a single Mother.

I felt so much resentment towards him.

After the birth of our fourth child, I stopped communicating with him.

He never communicated, we only talked once I called him.

Funny enough he was fine with us not communicating.

That showed me the state of our marriage.

Our oldest child is 24 and out of the house. The other children are 22, 20, and 18. They are all adults, two are graduates from the university.

The other 2 are undergraduates and out of the house.

So it's just the two of us.

Now he is making small talk trying to communicate with me like we are a loving couple.

No love ever existed between us.

Our families have asked me to forgive like everyone else.

It's always so easy to dish out advice once it's not you.

The truth is that there is no way I can relate to him as a loving husband.

Now he is staying in the very apartment he refused to pay for.

He complains that I don't talk to him and sometimes I don't come home.

What does he expect?

His presence offends me and sometimes I stop by my friend who is a widow.

She lives alone and I have spent some nights with her since our youngest child left home.

We could both do with some company.

He is accusing me of seeing another man.

Did I know what he did in Lagos for 25 years?

It's just irritating how he expects us to carry on like nothing happened and all is well.

I don't know how to get out of this situation.

I'm thinking about getting another apartment and moving out.

My greatest regret is marrying this man.

This is not the life I wanted.

I had to work overtime to ensure that I didn't dislike our children.

I'm losing my mind with the way he keeps acting like it's business as usual.

Expecting me to cater to him like we made all these loving memories all these years.

My heart is so heavy and I don't know how to heal from this because is.....
https://www.allsinglesandmarried.com/?m=1

So who is to be blamed or who should be blamed for staying this long? Why didn’t you take accountability and leave him?

His mother and your mother begged you and told you (the wife) to perform up to 101 percent the duties of a man. Not that you are supporting him, but performing his duties 101 percent and You greed and NOW YOU WANT TO PUSH THE RESPONSIBILITY AND ACCOUNTABILITY OF THAT DECISION TO WHO? The man? Men in general?

Women will always hate accountability. Afterall don’t they have a vagina and boobs and arse? So why will they ever take accountability? Now, mind you I have not even broken down where your story developed knocked knees (k-leg) yet. I will still come for that latter.

Now he is back and you have him with you and you resent him and you are ranting and angry and seeking praise and validation for your current state and condition? Are you looking for those that will insult him with you? You still dont want to take accountability for your actions……which is simply the fact that you are the one willingly and willfully putting up with it. YES. Since there is nothing to do about it then shut up.

Imagine a scammer comes to scam me or a marketer presents me a deal that is bad for me and I can break free from such a deal or protest that the marketer is not fulfilling his own part of the bargain. Yes it might be rough and tough but I can break free. I refuse because some family members talked me into managing the horrible product ?
Then I come to complain about the product like anyone forced me to accept it.
The man wanted to enjoy his life like a Bachelor while married. He ate his cake and had it all along. Now that he is retired his resources will not be as much as while in service. He has come home to be “taken care of”. According to you, You even had to “work overtime so you do not dislike the children”. You are a possessed woman and selfish. You are also ignorant of the fact the MARRIAGE IS DUTY! DUTY! Before all the romance and happiness nonsense. How can a woman not love her kids naturally? You think the world owes you and me anything ?! Nope!

Also How and why do you women allow very weak and poor quality men get away with it. You allow poor quality men procreate. Genes that should die off are propagating instead everywhere. And now you are complaining. Even procreated with him. 4 kids. Do we know how this has affected your kids? Your sons may think that “that is the life” and your daughters may hate men unjustly.

Women please listen to me. For every action and/or inaction THERE ARE PRICES TO BE PAID. Know this and know peace. And in life, Good intentions and actions do not necessarily produce good outcomes and results. Get used to this idea. It is where women fundamentally start their delusion. THAT IT IS NEVER THEIR FAULT. You see that nonsense I cannot be wrong thing, it is for a man who feels he will die if he doesn’t have a vagina. To me, no vagina is special. So people like me shall without fear speak the truth and tell any woman to go to hell.

If it is your choice to tolerate this for this long then respect that man and keep his matters private and do the best you can with him. THE SITUATION YOU HAVE FOUND YOURSELF TODAY IS A PRODUCT OF YOUR CHOICES. IT IS THE RESULT OF YOUR ACTIONS OR INACTIONS.

You have stayed with this man. Respect him based on the duty as a wife. He has missed and refused to play his duty as a man and he was allowed. You play your duty as a wife well or poorly, but we won’t join you in castigating him when you accepted the situation.

10thTenthMan:
So who is to blame or should be blamed for staying this long. ?

Why didn’t you take accountability and leave him?

His mother and your mother begged you and told y out to perform 100 percent the duties of a man. You greed and NOW YOU WANT TO PUSH THE RESPONSIBILITY AND ACCOUNTABILITY OF THAT DECISION TO WHO? The man? Men in general?


Women will always hate accountability. And mind you I have not even broken down where you story developed knocked knees (k-leg) yet.

Now he is back and you have him with you and you resent him and you are ranting and angry and seeking praise and validation for your current state and condition. You still dont want to take accountability for your actions. The fact that you are the one willingly and willfully putting up with it.

Imagine a scammer comes to scam me or a marketer presents me a deal that is bad for me and I can break free from such a deal? Yes it might be rough and tough but I can break free. I refuse because some family members talked me into managing the horrible product ?
Then I come to complain about the product like anyone forced me to accept it.
The man wanted to enjoy his life like a Bachelor while married. He ate his cake and had it all along. Now that he is retired his resources will not be as much as while in service. He has come home to be “taken care of”.

Women, for every action and/or inaction THERE ARE PRICES TO BE PAID. Know this and know peace. And in life, Good intentions and actions do not necessarily produce good outcomes and results. Get used to this idea. It is where women fundamentally start their delusion. THAT IT IS NEVER THEIR FAULT.

Wise words..

Like my old professor always says (peace be into his soul) .... Everything that happens to anyone is their fault. The old man even went ahead and added being born in some situations, that's where we always have our disagreement...
SMH