₦airaland Forum

eniolorunfe:
Why did you marry your husband? With all you have listed, it’s either this is a fake story or an incomplete story? Are you trying to tell us you did not see any of these red flags before tying the knot? This man sounds like someone that can’t even be bothered to pretend while trying to get you to marry him so, why did you agree to marry him?

I think OP has not been staying with the man during courtship

Mariangeles:
Are new born babies taught how to latch onto their mothers' breasts and suckle?

It depends, normally it comes naturally but sometimes they have to be taught the right way to do it
na when pickin get teeth nipple dey know the difference between bite and suck

No, I didn’t stay with him during courtship. We courted for 8 months together and were in a long-distance relationship for one year. He was quiet while we were dating, I agree, but to be honest, he wasn’t my go-to for ideas or when I needed a solution to something quickly. I had a friend who was 19 years older than me that I would always reach out to. He had become more of a brother, and my family knows him. He’s married with kids, and his wife and I have become like sisters. But he relocated out of the country in December last year.

So, I feel this never gave me time to see my husband’s creativity or all that. Life was always happening so fast. Or maybe, somewhere inside, I knew he wasn’t very solution-oriented, so I never asked him. But I never saw his quietness as a sign that he wouldn’t be social or wouldn’t know how to love a woman or anything like that.

I remember when he was about to propose, I asked if he wouldn’t give me a romantic proposal, and he said he didn’t know my ring size and couldn’t go and buy a ring that might not fit. He also said he didn’t know which of my family members to meet to run the package or surprise. I remember being hurt — that should have been the writing on the wall for me, though. He said I should follow him to the market to get it.

As an update, he told me this morning, after I was crying, that we are both adults and can decide what we want as a lasting solution on what to do with our relationship because he is tired of seeing me cry. All I needed was a soft feeling of care, even if it just meant holding me, because I am on my period same time and I’m just all over the place emotionally.

I just feel hungry — like when, as a woman, your emotions are not being cared for or attended to. If I’m unable to have sex once (I couldn’t because I was having serious period cramps), he won’t even bother to touch me again until whenever Jesus says it’s time. He wouldn’t care that I was in pain at that moment. He would just say that I’m refusing him, and if he doesn’t try again, then its my problem andfault. It just feels off — everything, the connection, etc. Its almost no existent. I am not even sure if its because maybe he doesnt love me or maybe he isnt experienced on how to show it (him not having relationships, sisters only brothers, him being a virgin, spiritual brother back then etc).

Today I went downstairs, picked up my phone, and wanted to call all my friends since I was really feeling sad and all. I had to leave him because he would still judge me if i call them in his front. As I was going down, he said he knows that’s why I’m crying — so I can “use style” to find my way out to go and talk on my phone. Before, I would feel guilt-tripped and sit down asking myself whether I don’t have right to use my phone. But I just ignored him and went down. I came back and he isn’t talking to me. Apparently, I’ve sinned and I know I would be punished with silence for as long as maybe two days or so for choosing to call others and smile with them. (he would say he is not punishing me, but he would keep silent).

Its more like i cant go anywhere or talk to anyone if he doesn't follow me. I had an office party and told him I wanted to go, he was already angry as it was going to be an evening party. I didn't get to go again because he had said to me, that me, I want to be living my life (all because I wana go to my office party).

The dynamics are just childish and tiring for me. Until when will I do this? I didn’t marry him for money, because at the moment I’m working in a better place, though we’re still praying for a better job for him so at least I can rest too. I don’t know if that insecurity eats at him as well. I’ve cut off a lot of people because of this marriage, and I don’t want to keep doing that continuously.

A friend of mine that I introduced to him came over one day, and he asked the person why the person came to our house and if it was right I forgot to mention (which OfCourse isn't right but to let the person know they arent welcome because i forgot to genuinely mention is huge).

That person has never stepped foot in my house again. He is insecure around my friends — maybe he thinks they are better than him, I’m not sure. As it is, I know I can’t share any friend I have with him because he’s always insecure around them, or he’ll say that I’ve told them one thing or another about him. But he knew I had friends while dating and acted normal. He would say once you just explain, its fine by me, I dont have any issue. Not once did he fight any.

I really regret telling him to come meet me abroad after I left Nigeria. I thought we would work together as one to do great things, have coule goals, be driven etc. even get a good house instead of this one room and toilet we’re managing, until he gets his papers. I even thought we can find two jobs to do and he would support with applying and then he can assit on the second one so we can do more together for now before his papers come. bu he wont even apply, just do his Nigerian work he is doing and sleep the rest of the day or lazy around.

He has told me that because I want to do papers, I think I am God. different talks that hurt. after he told me to find who I lost my virgintiy to as it wasn't him. I told him I had pictures of that night it happened because I know he can flip on me. Then he said it could be any picture of blood. then i told him i remembered to make a video in case he wants to say i sleep around or he dont trust me simply because i dont want live a graveyard live like he wants to. Isolated from information, ideas etc.

He said I always say we should go back to Nigeria since we’re not happy here, that i am threatening him and i should better give him his application money if I know i want us to go back. He always tells me that when his work permit is out, I will see how hardworking he is. He is still working in his office in Nigeria remotely though, and I’m managing a low-paying job here at least enough to pay for the room and toilet and feed and schooling at the same time, doing certifications and all, applying wickedly for better jobs, doing interviews, just to get higher. It’s just a lot sometimes.

I just wish I felt like I had a partner — a ride or die. I kept myself so well and didn’t mess up; I don’t know why it ended up this way. I even cried on the wedding day because apparently, he was with my sister’s friends and they said they met him unhappy in the corridor. When they asked why, he said, “Whatever his family does is not enough.” I was confused because I was wondering what that meant. That was the first time his family was showing up, which was for the wedding. The last time they came was a year ago when they came to meet my parents for the marriage, and my parents kind of slowed the wedding down because they said they weren't very aware of our relationship and wanted to observe themselves and pray.

Since then both parents have only spoken on phone and greeted each other once in two months or three months until the day they showed up the night of the wedding.

So I don’t know. We have fought so much, even in front of my family / parents . We’d go to their house and still end up fighting / shouting on each other. As it is now, he says my mum and my sister have offended him. Only my dad and my sister’s husband haven’t offended him.

I called his brother a few weeks back, saying I couldn’t do it anymore, that I was tired — especially after my husband kept saying he never wanted to come here in the first place, that it was their elder brother who made him come and that he would only sleep with me now using condom and doesnt want to sleep with me unprotected till he finds work. I started to wonder what is this guy's plan? does he want to get paper and then not have child with me and use that period to then escape? or what. He said he wanted to take responsibility.

He is just too serious. I’m playful. No dirty words during sex, no knowledge of any position — only missionary. His brother even had to teach us how to have sex on the phone after I called him that time and he sent some traditional drugs that can help with sex. It’s just been so much.

Kobojunkie:
Red flag #3! Aggression and lashing out... definitely not good signs. Was this some sort of arranged marriage?

2. You obviously thought wrong since humans aren't judged by their silence but by their actions. Most of us have known this since we were kids, so why did you choose to go against common sense in these things?

3. Why did you marry this person again?

For once, I think I followed spiritual preachings where they say it's better to marry someone who fears God first. Spirituality is sometimes so different from compatibility especially when reality sets and it feels like you living with a room mate.

breadtoaster:
➜Since then both parents have only spoken on phone and greeted each other once in two months or three months until the day they showed up the night of the wedding.
So I don’t know. We have fought so much, even in front of my family / parents . We’d go to their house and still end up fighting / shouting on each other. As it is now, he says my mum and my sister have offended him. Only my dad and my sister’s husband haven’t offended him.
➜ I called his brother a few weeks back, saying I couldn’t do it anymore, that I was tired — especially after my husband kept saying he never wanted to come here in the first place, that it was their elder brother who made him come and that he would only sleep with me now using condom and doesnt want to sleep with me unprotected till he finds work. I started to wonder what is this guy's plan? does he want to get paper and then not have child with me and use that period to then escape? or what. He said he wanted to take responsibility.
➜ He is just too serious. I’m playful. No dirty words during sex, no knowledge of any position — only missionary. His brother even had to teach us how to have sex on the phone after I called him that time. It’s just been so much.

This other story is equally riddled with even more red flags that, at this point, I am not even certain if it is worth it to point them out anymore. What is more than obvious is that this man does not love or care for you as much as Mrs. Badge, which you have there matters to you. And this seems to have been obvious from even before he proposed to you.

He has succeeded in getting you to abandon/isolate many of your friends at this point, and it seems he has been working on isolating you from family as well. You declared there that you don't know. And all I could wonder is how much of the abuse and disregard you are willing to stomach before you realize you have had enough.

3. OK, this has to be a lie! We are 2025, not in 1825, abeg!

breadtoaster:
➜For once, I think I followed spiritual preachings [b]where they say it's better to marry someone who fears God first.
➜ Spirituality is sometimes so different from compatibility especially when reality sets and it feels like you living with a room mate.

Those so-called teachings lied to you because in the real world, those who claim to love God the most are some of the most despicable human beings you would ever meet.

2. Spirituality has nothing to do with compatibility. As a matter of fact, spirituality tends to rob one of healthy emotional and social maturity, which are both necessary for fostering healthy human relationships with others. That is why people who claim to be higher spiritual are also very removed from others around them socially and emotionally.

---

On a different note, this popped up on my timeline as I was searching for a video for you, and I decided to post it anyway. Since you are outside of Nigeria, I hope you can take time to see the views of other Nigerian women out there regarding abuse in marriage and why many Nigerian women seem to condone it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cxtqD1D4RHk?si=3wCqvv_BaxkUk0qG

The issues raised by the Op feels like a Gordian knot, and it is sad the reality of her very high incompatibility with her partner is weighing significantly on her.

The fact that a person may appear 'spiritual' is not a validation of compatibility.

Op, you may want to join the workers in your church. Give yourself to activities in the church. It should help to restore the sense of voice you think you have lost.

CaptainJune:
➜The issues raised by the Op feels like a Gordian knot, and it is sad the reality of her very high incompatibility with her partner is weighing significantly on her. The fact that a person may appear 'spiritual' is not a validation of compatibility.
Op, you may want to join the workers in your church. Give yourself to activities in the church. It should help to restore the sense of voice you think you have lost.

I am sorry, what? Exactly how does joining the workers in her church help her situation?

Kobojunkie:
I am sorry, what? Exactly how does joining the workers in her church help her situation?

She is a christian. Would you rather she went clubbing?

CaptainJune:
➜She is a christian. Would you rather she went clubbing?

What has her being a Christian to do with her situation? Will her digging herself deeper into this Christian side you advise suddenly make the man begin to love her, or change the fact that she might be a potential victim of what is the Romance scam?

Or are you trying to get her to numb herself in an attempt to invalidate her concerns?

Divorce him ASAP

breadtoaster:
No, I didn’t stay with him during courtship. We courted for 8 months together and were in a long-distance relationship for one year. He was quiet while we were dating, I agree, but to be honest, he wasn’t my go-to for ideas or when I needed a solution to something quickly. I had a friend who was 19 years older than me that I would always reach out to. He had become more of a brother, and my family knows him. He’s married with kids, and his wife and I have become like sisters. But he relocated out of the country in December last year.

So, I feel this never gave me time to see my husband’s creativity or all that. Life was always happening so fast. Or maybe, somewhere inside, I knew he wasn’t very solution-oriented, so I never asked him. But I never saw his quietness as a sign that he wouldn’t be social or wouldn’t know how to love a woman or anything like that.

I remember when he was about to propose, I asked if he wouldn’t give me a romantic proposal, and he said he didn’t know my ring size and couldn’t go and buy a ring that might not fit. He also said he didn’t know which of my family members to meet to run the package or surprise. I remember being hurt — that should have been the writing on the wall for me, though. He said I should follow him to the market to get it.

As an update, he told me this morning, after I was crying, that we are both adults and can decide what we want as a lasting solution on what to do with our relationship because he is tired of seeing me cry. All I needed was a soft feeling of care, even if it just meant holding me, because I am on my period same time and I’m just all over the place emotionally.

I just feel hungry — like when, as a woman, your emotions are not being cared for or attended to. If I’m unable to have sex once (I couldn’t because I was having serious period cramps), he won’t even bother to touch me again until whenever Jesus says it’s time. He wouldn’t care that I was in pain at that moment. He would just say that I’m refusing him, and if he doesn’t try again, then its my problem andfault. It just feels off — everything, the connection, etc. Its almost no existent. I am not even sure if its because maybe he doesnt love me or maybe he isnt experienced on how to show it (him not having relationships, sisters only brothers, him being a virgin, spiritual brother back then etc).

Today I went downstairs, picked up my phone, and wanted to call all my friends since I was really feeling sad and all. I had to leave him because he would still judge me if i call them in his front. As I was going down, he said he knows that’s why I’m crying — so I can “use style” to find my way out to go and talk on my phone. Before, I would feel guilt-tripped and sit down asking myself whether I don’t have right to use my phone. But I just ignored him and went down. I came back and he isn’t talking to me. Apparently, I’ve sinned and I know I would be punished with silence for as long as maybe two days or so for choosing to call others and smile with them. (he would say he is not punishing me, but he would keep silent).

Its more like i cant go anywhere or talk to anyone if he doesn't follow me. I had an office party and told him I wanted to go, he was already angry as it was going to be an evening party. I didn't get to go again because he had said to me, that me, I want to be living my life (all because I wana go to my office party).

The dynamics are just childish and tiring for me. Until when will I do this? I didn’t marry him for money, because at the moment I’m working in a better place, though we’re still praying for a better job for him so at least I can rest too. I don’t know if that insecurity eats at him as well. I’ve cut off a lot of people because of this marriage, and I don’t want to keep doing that continuously.

A friend of mine that I introduced to him came over one day, and he asked the person why the person came to our house and if it was right I forgot to mention (which OfCourse isn't right but to let the person know they arent welcome because i forgot to genuinely mention is huge).

That person has never stepped foot in my house again. He is insecure around my friends — maybe he thinks they are better than him, I’m not sure. As it is, I know I can’t share any friend I have with him because he’s always insecure around them, or he’ll say that I’ve told them one thing or another about him. But he knew I had friends while dating and acted normal. He would say once you just explain, its fine by me, I dont have any issue. Not once did he fight any.

I really regret telling him to come meet me abroad after I left Nigeria. I thought we would work together as one to do great things, have coule goals, be driven etc. even get a good house instead of this one room and toilet we’re managing, until he gets his papers. I even thought we can find two jobs to do and he would support with applying and then he can assit on the second one so we can do more together for now before his papers come. bu he wont even apply, just do his Nigerian work he is doing and sleep the rest of the day or lazy around.

He has told me that because I want to do papers, I think I am God. different talks that hurt. after he told me to find who I lost my virgintiy to as it wasn't him. I told him I had pictures of that night it happened because I know he can flip on me. Then he said it could be any picture of blood. then i told him i remembered to make a video in case he wants to say i sleep around or he dont trust me simply because i dont want live a graveyard live like he wants to. Isolated from information, ideas etc.

He said I always say we should go back to Nigeria since we’re not happy here, that i am threatening him and i should better give him his application money if I know i want us to go back. He always tells me that when his work permit is out, I will see how hardworking he is. He is still working in his office in Nigeria remotely though, and I’m managing a low-paying job here at least enough to pay for the room and toilet and feed and schooling at the same time, doing certifications and all, applying wickedly for better jobs, doing interviews, just to get higher. It’s just a lot sometimes.

I just wish I felt like I had a partner — a ride or die. I kept myself so well and didn’t mess up; I don’t know why it ended up this way. I even cried on the wedding day because apparently, he was with my sister’s friends and they said they met him unhappy in the corridor. When they asked why, he said, “Whatever his family does is not enough.” I was confused because I was wondering what that meant. That was the first time his family was showing up, which was for the wedding. The last time they came was a year ago when they came to meet my parents for the marriage, and my parents kind of slowed the wedding down because they said they weren't very aware of our relationship and wanted to observe themselves and pray.

Since then both parents have only spoken on phone and greeted each other once in two months or three months until the day they showed up the night of the wedding.

So I don’t know. We have fought so much, even in front of my family / parents . We’d go to their house and still end up fighting / shouting on each other. As it is now, he says my mum and my sister have offended him. Only my dad and my sister’s husband haven’t offended him.

I called his brother a few weeks back, saying I couldn’t do it anymore, that I was tired — especially after my husband kept saying he never wanted to come here in the first place, that it was their elder brother who made him come and that he would only sleep with me now using condom and doesnt want to sleep with me unprotected till he finds work. I started to wonder what is this guy's plan? does he want to get paper and then not have child with me and use that period to then escape? or what. He said he wanted to take responsibility.

He is just too serious. I’m playful. No dirty words during sex, no knowledge of any position — only missionary. His brother even had to teach us how to have sex on the phone after I called him that time and he sent some traditional drugs that can help with sex. It’s just been so much.

breadtoaster,

am very sure if your husband gives his own side of this your complain. we go hear a different gist entirely.

what bad attitude have you also been dishing out to dt man?
where have you too been doing or getting it wrong?

We all not perfect, I can state some of the obvious ones he had issue with

When we came together, I was a loud person. I liked to express myself openly, even during arguments, so I would talk loudly. He, on the other hand, is very quiet. That was different for me, so I had to learn how to express my anger calmly — which feels weird because there’s no energy in it. How do you show happiness or unhappiness without life? How do you just stay passive, as if the issue doesn’t exist, and feel comfortable going through it without feeling anything in your body or the need to actively do something to change it. We were somewhere were a lady as talking passionately in a group sort of, the next thing i saw my husband ask sorry do you have an issue with me? because the way you are talking? this lady was just talking, I didn't honestly notice any energy directed at him but he cant just stand high energy sort of (maybe his nature i dont know). it was so embarrassing to everyone there and he didnt even know what he did was wrong. Since then, I am scared to have him attend any social thing that would be in a group setting because I dont know what low self esteem attitude he would potray or antisocial attitude.

I’m also a blunt person. I tend to say things as they are. For example, I might say, “Haba, you’re not even assisting us to do better. It’s been months now, how many times have you applied?” instead of saying, “Please dont forget to apply for something for us today.” then tomorrow " pls apply for something today", then tomorrow continue again. That's too much energy, I dont even have it, I have so many conflicting priorities, assignment, group work, full time job, full time school to handle. How do I baby a grown adult to do what they’re supposed to do when they should do it?

I’ve always been that person who doesn’t need to be pushed to act. I’m not the most diplomatic person honestly.

For example, when he said if he doesn’t use a condom, there’ll be no sex because he doesn’t have a job here and he clearly isn’t applying, I felt hurt. Why should I be treated that way, after having only two sexual experiences in my entire life, you arent even looking for a work and I keep begging, when we can find two jobs , do together and it would be our money? So I told him, “Let’s just go back home to Nigeria where you have a job, so you can be able to knack me appropriately. But I’m not having condom-based sex for months, which means we won’t have sex again until we’re in Nigeria.”

That annoyed him because he felt I was threatening him by saying he should go back — meanwhile, that statement included me too, not just him.

Diplomacy at that point would have been to just agree, look sexy, and maybe hope and pray that during a knack session, he’d throw the condom away and want it raw.

But honestly. I’m wired logically — all that “arrangement above” feels like too much mental work. Thinking about how to “trick” someone to get my way doesn’t come naturally to me. Yet it seems most people don’t like the plain truth — they prefer to be “tricked”.

For me, it’s the opposite. I get angry when someone tries to trick me into doing something. I hate it with my life. I feel manipulated. I prefer you to sit down and talk about issues with me, reason them out logically, and find a middle ground. If that middle ground isn’t working, I’d want to comeback and say, “This ground has shifted o, I’m not feeling this middle ground anymore,” and then we talk again until we find another way.

Another thing I do — I might innocently say, “Ah, so-and-so just started this new side hustle o, what can we also do?” I don’t realize it sounds like comparison to him. But I’m genuinely only trying to share something that inspired me, to start a conversation about how we can improve our lives. He gets upset, saying I’m comparing him, while I’m just thinking about survival and progress.

When he wasn’t applying or doing anything on this our hustle to survive, I told him at one point, “This is becoming too much. Between school, work, and trying to study for certification exams, I’m stretched. When I come back from work, maybe you can help us with cooking since you’re not applying for jobs. If you were applying, I’d gladly cook for hours after work. But I can’t keep doing everything. This is a contract job — what if they don’t renew it? We should be putting in serious effort.

Yet, he never applied or showed concern. He’d just casually apply once in say two weeks. And I kept wondering how he really thinks we’ll survive. So I decided I won’t cook, since he’s not taking responsibility — I’d rather focus on the priorities of finding a better job so we can take care of our needs and I wont keep living on credit, because any credit we end up taking is in my name and in my credit card so I have the loan on my end consciously or subconsciously.

Oh, and I also talk to my friends on the phone. It’s not like I’m doing bad things — I just want to learn, share ideas, and stay sane. He, on the other hand, doesn’t really have friends — not here, not even back in Nigeria. Maybe some people from school, but no close friends or anyone I know. Just living alone. I used to think that was strength, but I didn’t realize that lack of social interaction could haunt me.

So now, he expects me to also live that way. But abroad is already lonely and depressing — how do I survive without talking to people? I need communication for my mental health.

breadtoaster:
➜Yet, he never applied or showed concern. He’d just casually apply once in say two weeks. And I kept wondering how he really thinks we’ll survive. So I decided I won’t cook, since he’s not taking responsibility — I’d rather focus on the priorities of finding a better job so we can take care of our needs and I wont keep living on credit, because any credit we end up taking is in my name and in my credit card so I have the loan on my end consciously or subconsciously.
➜ Oh, and I also talk to my friends on the phone. It’s not like I’m doing bad things — I just want to learn, share ideas, and stay sane. He, on the other hand, doesn’t really have friends — not here, not even back in Nigeria. Maybe some people from school, but no close friends or anyone I know. Just living alone. I used to think that was strength, but I didn’t realize that lack of social interaction could haunt me.
➜So now, he expects me to also live that way. But abroad is already lonely and depressing — how do I survive without talking to people? I need communication for my mental health.

1. Having an MTBI— you can research your MBTI online— that is so much different from that of your spouse, is not an issue or a problem. It simply means you two were not created the same — no two people on this planet are created the same, by the way. Also, humans are not created passive beings; we may feign passivity due to circumstances or situations, or mental illness, etc. But we are very much all emotional beings who act and react in some way. 🥱

If you find yourself changing who you are to suit your partner — be it in marriage or any other kind of relationship— you are already doing yourself a disservice, meaning you are not in a relationship that is of benefit to you but one designed to benefit the whims of your partner. That is not love but control. Learn to love yourself for who you are, and only accept into your life those who are willing to accept you as you are.

2. Please, do not apply for him or act on his behalf anymore. Don't fill out paperwork for him; don't apply for jobs on his behalf. Let him have to do it himself.

Also, do not have unprotected sex with him until you have fully resolved your emotions and feelings for him. If you end up having a child — baby-trapping yourself at this point since he does not seem keen on having any child with you—you might end up with more regret than you are filled with at this point. Go ask the numerous women out there who babytrapped themselves into marriages with men who don't value or appreciate them in any way.

You mentioned earlier that his spirituality is what attracted you to him, yet his spirituality now stifles you and makes you see that you barely have anything in common with the human behind the mask. Why do you wish to have a baby with that human at this point? If this supposedly spiritual being does not rate or value you, why would you think or believe he would love a child that came out of you? Please, do not throw a child into that hell that you have been unable to get your your own mind to allow. 🥱

3. Abroad is not lonely and depressing. Mental illnesses have little or nothing to do with location but with the mind and intelligence of individuals. 🥱

Everywhere you go on this planet, you are bound to find some orphans — they literally have no family or friends anywhere on this planet — who aren't lonely or depressed. Why? Probably because of their level of emotional and social intelligence. Some people are surrounded by friends and family regularly, yet are struggling with loneliness and depression. 🥱🥱

You need to dig down to find out why you are particularly lonely and depressed as an individual— usually, you need to face yourself in that situation. Much of it is typically linked to deep-seated traumas and hurts from one's past that one has avoided in an attempt to focus more on life and all that is outside. Professional counseling or therapy may be of help. 🥱🥱

You should have married one of your ambitious friends or some other ambitious man. You married your husband and now you remember you are a driven woman. He doesn't do this and that. So what exactly made you marry him? Even in LDR, you will definitely notice these traits. Were you given 6mths to marry or lose out of a family inheritance?

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

Please and please leave the marriage because from all you have said you both don't align and it will only get worse. It's not spiritual attack sis, you both probably miscalculated before getting married so now that a child is not yet in the picture please leave.

Kobojunkie:
What has her being a Christian to do with her situation? Will her digging herself deeper into this Christian side you advise suddenly make the man begin to love her, or change the fact that she might be a potential victim of what is the Romance scam?

Or are you trying to get her to numb herself in an attempt to invalidate her concerns?

I am not one to suggest divorce as a solution. The issues bothering her do not have a quick fix, sadly. She is already in the mess. My suggestion aims to help her find something to get her attention away from some of the issues. Clearly, she is mismatched with her husband. He comes across to me as someone who is not a tad bothered about how she feels - a tell-tale sign of someone who is not in the marriage for love. He may just be biding his time to release the bombshell on her, and in her heart of hearts she expects it but won't admit it. The best I can offer as opinion is she finds a church and join the activities there. It should serve not only as her escape route from the stifling silence of her home but also as a place that she can fall back on when she needs it. The husband may restrict her movements to social gatherings like parties, but he cannot keep her from going to the church.

If you have a better idea please feel free.

CaptainJune:
➜I am not one to suggest divorce as a solution. The issues bothering her do not have a quick fix, sadly. She is already in the mess. My suggestion aims to help her find something to get her attention from some of the issues. Clearly, she is mismatched with her husband. He comes across to me as someone who is not a tad bothered about how she feels - a tell-tale sign of someone who is not in the marriage for love. He may just be biding his time to release the bombshell on her, and in her heart of hearts she expects it but won't admit it. The best I can offer as opinion is she finds a church and join the activities there. It should serve not only as her escape route from the stifling silence of her home but also as a place that she can fall back on when she needs it. The husband may restrict her movements to social gatherings like parties, but he cannot keep her from going to the church. If you have a better idea please feel free.

I understand from your post that what you are attempting is not to provide her a solution but to offer her a distraction of sorts from her issues. So, I am not going to probe you any further on this.

I just know it is completely irrational to send a woman who has been previously deceived by spiritual delusions into the same den from which she acquired her spiritual delusions that got her where she is today. If anything, she should be running away from the churches and anything related, at least until she has realized the damage all of that has caused her. We are in 2025 and fielding questions from a woman married to a spiritual man who is worse to her than a literal FWB.

Kobojunkie:
I understand from your post that what you are attempting is not to provide her a solution but to offer her a distraction of sorts from her issues. So, I am not going to probe you any further on this.

I just know it is completely irrational to send a woman who has been previously deceived by spiritual delusions into the same den from which she acquired her spiritual delusions that got her where she is today. If anything, she should be running away from the churches and anything related, at least until she has realized the damage all of that has caused her. We are in 2025 and fielding questions from a woman married to a spiritual man who is worse to her than a literal FWB.

She is not the only one who has misinterpreted a quality, religion-related or otherwise.

It is erroneous to claim the church institution is responsible for the perception she used as a yardstick to judge his character. She admitted she misjudged him. Many use the same yardstick with different results as there are different finger prints in the world.

You may wish to engage in a back and forth on this but I am being logical and practical based on what she has shared.

I also think she should stop cutting off her friends just to please him. Her marriage makes the four walls of her home feel like prison. She should protect her mental health and find something to take her away from the home.

CaptainJune:
➜She is not the only one who has misinterpreted a quality, religion-related or otherwise.
➜ it is erroneous to claim the church institution is responsible for the perception she used as a yardstick to judge his character.
➜ She admitted she misjudged him. Many use the same yardstick with different results as there are different finger prints in the world.
➜ You may wish to engage in a back and forth on this but I am being logical and practical based on what she has shared.
➜ I also think she should stop cutting off her friends just to please him. Her marriage makes the four walls of her home feel like prison. She should protect her mental health and find something to take her away from the home.

1. She is not the only one; therefore, she should not be expected to want to distance herself from that which has harmed her in the past?

2. It is erroneous, though her reasons for wanting this man tie back to literally every message preached to women from your religious pulpits, like every week?

3. Her admission is also a condemnation of the teaching she received from the pulpits, which insist that a spiritual man has all that a woman should need.

4. It is illogical to send her back into the same den from which the lies that led her down this road, the same lies that insist she should remain in this marriage, come from.

5. Oh, so you insist on religion even though you are clearly against her submitting to the man— a teaching from your many pulpits on women alone — who makes her marriage a prison? Interesting!

In all of this, I am just wondering how you even got to the point where you think you should get married. I honestly don't get it, based on your experience so far in marriage.

I belong to the school of thought that you could see some signs of things that would happen later in life...if only we care to pay enough attention.

Being a quiet person really has nothing to do with this. I am a "quiet" person and I know I am not like him, as painted in your narrative.

Since you're married now, the deed has been done. Find a way to have a heart-to-heart talk with him, expressing your concerns (diplomatically) and your wish for things to get better. Effective communication, coupled with prayer, is the only solution I can think of right now.

But this one you talk say he's not a friend...

You accepted the love that you thought you deserved.

ThaThinka:
In all of this, I am just wondering how you even got to the point where you think you should get married. I honestly don't get it, based on your experience so far in marriage.

I belong to the school of thought that you could see some signs of things that would happen later in life...if only we care to pay enough attention.

Being a quiet person really has nothing to do with this. I am a "quiet" person and I know I am not like him, as painted in your narrative.

Since you're married now, the deed has been done. Find a way to have a heart-to-heart talk with him, expressing your concerns (diplomatically) and your wish for things to get better. Effective communication, coupled with prayer, is the only solution I can think of right now.

But this one you talk say he's not a friend...

In reality, heart to heart discussions don't work.

She should keep managing until death do them part.

The other alternative is a divorce of course.

pocohantas:
You should have married one of your ambituous friends or some other ambituous man. You married your husband and now you remember you are a driven woman. He doesn't do this and that. So what exactly made you marry him? Even in LDR, you will definitely notice these traits. Were you given 6mths to marry or lose out of a family inheritance?

But why?

No let food choke me

Kobojunkie:
1. She is not the only one; therefore, she should not be expected to want to distance herself from that which has harmed her in the past?

2. It is erroneous, though her reasons for wanting this man tie back to literally every message preached to women from your religious pulpits, like every week?

3. Her admission is also a condemnation of the teaching she received from the pulpits, which insist that a spiritual man has all that a woman should need.

4. It is illogical to send her back into the same den from which the lies that led her down this road, the same lies that insist she should remain in this marriage, come from.

5. Oh, so you insist on religion even though you are clearly against her submitting to the man— a teaching from your many pulpits on women alone — who makes her marriage a prison? Interesting!

You are unnecessarily picking holes in my statements, seeing black where I painted white.

Your generalizations of the church and its teachings far from reality.

CaptainJune:
✓ You are unnecessarily picking holes in my statements, seeing black where I painted white.
Your generalizations of the church and its teachings far from reality.

Generalizations that can be traced back to pretty much every sermon from your Church pulpits directed at ensuring women folk submit like slaves to the manhood of men? Na una way! 🥱🥱🥱

O ga o. Didn't you people date?! What is the meaning of all these complaints in a new marriage!!?

Mariangeles:
After reading all that, I'm left wondering what attracted op to the spouse in the first.

I doubt the authenticity of the story anyways.

Like, seriously, I'm baffled

Stop trying to redeem the woman since all efforts has failed.
My advise, do what makes you and your children happy and make sure you are alive.

breadtoaster:
No, I didn’t stay with him during courtship. We courted for 8 months together and were in a long-distance relationship for one year. He was quiet while we were dating, I agree, but to be honest, he wasn’t my go-to for ideas or when I needed a solution to something quickly. I had a friend who was 19 years older than me that I would always reach out to. He had become more of a brother, and my family knows him. He’s married with kids, and his wife and I have become like sisters. But he relocated out of the country in December last year.

So, I feel this never gave me time to see my husband’s creativity or all that. Life was always happening so fast. Or maybe, somewhere inside, I knew he wasn’t very solution-oriented, so I never asked him. But I never saw his quietness as a sign that he wouldn’t be social or wouldn’t know how to love a woman or anything like that.

I remember when he was about to propose, I asked if he wouldn’t give me a romantic proposal, and he said he didn’t know my ring size and couldn’t go and buy a ring that might not fit. He also said he didn’t know which of my family members to meet to run the package or surprise. I remember being hurt — that should have been the writing on the wall for me, though. He said I should follow him to the market to get it.

As an update, he told me this morning, after I was crying, that we are both adults and can decide what we want as a lasting solution on what to do with our relationship because he is tired of seeing me cry. All I needed was a soft feeling of care, even if it just meant holding me, because I am on my period same time and I’m just all over the place emotionally.

I just feel hungry — like when, as a woman, your emotions are not being cared for or attended to. If I’m unable to have sex once (I couldn’t because I was having serious period cramps), he won’t even bother to touch me again until whenever Jesus says it’s time. He wouldn’t care that I was in pain at that moment. He would just say that I’m refusing him, and if he doesn’t try again, then its my problem andfault. It just feels off — everything, the connection, etc. Its almost no existent. I am not even sure if its because maybe he doesnt love me or maybe he isnt experienced on how to show it (him not having relationships, sisters only brothers, him being a virgin, spiritual brother back then etc).

Today I went downstairs, picked up my phone, and wanted to call all my friends since I was really feeling sad and all. I had to leave him because he would still judge me if i call them in his front. As I was going down, he said he knows that’s why I’m crying — so I can “use style” to find my way out to go and talk on my phone. Before, I would feel guilt-tripped and sit down asking myself whether I don’t have right to use my phone. But I just ignored him and went down. I came back and he isn’t talking to me. Apparently, I’ve sinned and I know I would be punished with silence for as long as maybe two days or so for choosing to call others and smile with them. (he would say he is not punishing me, but he would keep silent).

Its more like i cant go anywhere or talk to anyone if he doesn't follow me. I had an office party and told him I wanted to go, he was already angry as it was going to be an evening party. I didn't get to go again because he had said to me, that me, I want to be living my life (all because I wana go to my office party).

The dynamics are just childish and tiring for me. Until when will I do this? I didn’t marry him for money, because at the moment I’m working in a better place, though we’re still praying for a better job for him so at least I can rest too. I don’t know if that insecurity eats at him as well. I’ve cut off a lot of people because of this marriage, and I don’t want to keep doing that continuously.

A friend of mine that I introduced to him came over one day, and he asked the person why the person came to our house and if it was right I forgot to mention (which OfCourse isn't right but to let the person know they arent welcome because i forgot to genuinely mention is huge).

That person has never stepped foot in my house again. He is insecure around my friends — maybe he thinks they are better than him, I’m not sure. As it is, I know I can’t share any friend I have with him because he’s always insecure around them, or he’ll say that I’ve told them one thing or another about him. But he knew I had friends while dating and acted normal. He would say once you just explain, its fine by me, I dont have any issue. Not once did he fight any.

I really regret telling him to come meet me abroad after I left Nigeria. I thought we would work together as one to do great things, have coule goals, be driven etc. even get a good house instead of this one room and toilet we’re managing, until he gets his papers. I even thought we can find two jobs to do and he would support with applying and then he can assit on the second one so we can do more together for now before his papers come. bu he wont even apply, just do his Nigerian work he is doing and sleep the rest of the day or lazy around.

He has told me that because I want to do papers, I think I am God. different talks that hurt. after he told me to find who I lost my virgintiy to as it wasn't him. I told him I had pictures of that night it happened because I know he can flip on me. Then he said it could be any picture of blood. then i told him i remembered to make a video in case he wants to say i sleep around or he dont trust me simply because i dont want live a graveyard live like he wants to. Isolated from information, ideas etc.

He said I always say we should go back to Nigeria since we’re not happy here, that i am threatening him and i should better give him his application money if I know i want us to go back. He always tells me that when his work permit is out, I will see how hardworking he is. He is still working in his office in Nigeria remotely though, and I’m managing a low-paying job here at least enough to pay for the room and toilet and feed and schooling at the same time, doing certifications and all, applying wickedly for better jobs, doing interviews, just to get higher. It’s just a lot sometimes.

I just wish I felt like I had a partner — a ride or die. I kept myself so well and didn’t mess up; I don’t know why it ended up this way. I even cried on the wedding day because apparently, he was with my sister’s friends and they said they met him unhappy in the corridor. When they asked why, he said, “Whatever his family does is not enough.” I was confused because I was wondering what that meant. That was the first time his family was showing up, which was for the wedding. The last time they came was a year ago when they came to meet my parents for the marriage, and my parents kind of slowed the wedding down because they said they weren't very aware of our relationship and wanted to observe themselves and pray.

Since then both parents have only spoken on phone and greeted each other once in two months or three months until the day they showed up the night of the wedding.

So I don’t know. We have fought so much, even in front of my family / parents . We’d go to their house and still end up fighting / shouting on each other. As it is now, he says my mum and my sister have offended him. Only my dad and my sister’s husband haven’t offended him.

I called his brother a few weeks back, saying I couldn’t do it anymore, that I was tired — especially after my husband kept saying he never wanted to come here in the first place, that it was their elder brother who made him come and that he would only sleep with me now using condom and doesnt want to sleep with me unprotected till he finds work. I started to wonder what is this guy's plan? does he want to get paper and then not have child with me and use that period to then escape? or what. He said he wanted to take responsibility.

He is just too serious. I’m playful. No dirty words during sex, no knowledge of any position — only missionary. His brother even had to teach us how to have sex on the phone after I called him that time and he sent some traditional drugs that can help with sex. It’s just been so much.

Madam, just get a divorce and rest. You'd realise the grass is not greener on the other side.

Mariangeles:
Are new born babies taught how to latch onto their mothers' breasts and suckle?

I know its to enter the vagina and it couldnt enter. thats basic knowledge na