₦airaland Forum

Proserpina:
But why?

No let food choke me

Na only complain everywhere. For marriage of yesterday. So I am curious. Maybe it is rage bait sha. 😂😂😂😂😂😂

.

Ishilove:
O ga o. Didn't you people date?! What is the meaning of all these complaints in a new marriage!!?

We dated, but I think the pressures here are quite different from back home in Nigeria. Back then, we weren’t struggling to survive — we were both doing okay. I had a good job, and he was also working. I was renting my own place, and he had his. We didn’t really live together, but we’d spend evenings together a few times a week.

I had an older friend who usually drove me to work and helped me with errands — things like going to the market and driving me home afterward. So most things were already sorted out in my life. When I saw my husband in the evenings, it was mostly just “How was your day?” and light conversations.

I also had my mum’s house help staying with me at the time (she was continuing her schooling after my mum traveled), so she helped with light meals like rice, indomie, or pap during the week (evenings after work). I usually cooked on weekends when I was fully home — things like swallow and soup, stew, fried rice etc. (any heavy cooking for the week that we would keep in the freezer).

Basically, I was taking care of myself. I didn’t depend on him for money or anything. If he gave, I appreciated it, but I never asked.

Now things are different. Here, we have to really work together to survive — bills don’t wait for anyone. Rent alone is about NGN 1, 400,000 for just a room and bathroom in a shared house where we share kitchen with 3 other people. We are barely surviving, I have so much on my credit card already. So to me, teamwork just makes sense; it should come naturally.

I never imagined being with someone who could see that the only contract job that I am doing, that we are both using to survive which barely covers the rent — and with the contract ending as at then — did not feel moved to do more in our quest to find a better job or even just another job if that contract was never renewed. He slept peacefully every single day. It was share luck it was renewed. Someone quit and left to another company because my boss had told me earlier to start looking for work as she wasn't sure it would be renewed by management. The complacency sometimes kills me.

Sometimes I honestly feel like quitting that job myself just to see what happens or what he would do. Maybe he’d just go to his brother’s place and live with his brother and his wife and then tell me to go to my sister's house in another far location to stay or what? I would just go to her house and help her take care of her kids. I was there before, it was because of him I moved out, put this weight of rent on my head because of marriage feeling we were a team and would work tooth and nail together to figure it out.

But his focus is different, his focus is on who I called, controlling who I talk to, he even makes reference to who I may have had time to speak to at work, things he thinks he heard outside from one or two random people which of Course I would always be the culprit for, not even telling me he loves me, me begging for non-condom sex, he telling me that we are adults who can decide if the relationship would work or not and move on if we know it wont from now so we dont waste our time (though he says he only says that when I say i am tired or if he is leaving everything to me, what's the point of being two when it still feels like its only me), him sleeping peacefully like we have no real problems, reading those junk emails that enter your laptop in large amount everyday, ensuring I dont go for outings etc.

I just know he is waiting for his papers and he tells me when it comes out, I would know how hardworking he is.

I really feel like going out to pay for a lie detector test, i think I researched and it cost about NGN 600,000. I just really want to know if he ever loved me or should I say, if he genuinely loves me or it's a thing of convenience.

Because as I read all the messages here, I tend to remember things that I took casually that may have been strong signals if I was calm enough. I also kind of feel maybe I was a bit desperate maybe. Maybe I should have waited for someone with drive for living and growth. I knew him first in 2017 and when we were coming back together to date, my worry was that it was the same place / state/ level I left him in that he still was when we met again, which I told him was an issue for me. He then told me he did a lot of investments that failed, crypto, uber business where the driver based the car and all.

I know that we all dont have it covered and life is not always easy for us all (it was a bit easier for me back home as compared to here and now), so we are a product of the information we get access to and the people that advise us to go for greatness. So I then felt that if we could work as a team together, share materials that would make us grow, I can sharpen him and he too sharpen me where needed etc. I am just not sure if i am the only one in the team at the moment.

Proserpina:
But why?

No let food choke me

Happy Belated Birthday, Pina.

Sorry it's coming late, as I saw your moniker, I come remember.

I hope you had a 10/10 birthday because you're a 10.

No TV in the house, buy it yourself na. Why must you wait for him to make you comfortable? Aunty buy TV and entertain yourself.

Reading from this angle, I now understand you better.
Your husband should step up, and take care of you jare! Instead of snooping around, and being irritatingly petty.
You're his responsibility, whether he likes it or not.
No wife likes a husband who cannot take care of her.

breadtoaster:
We dated, but I think the pressures here are quite different from back home in Nigeria. Back then, we weren’t struggling to survive — we were both doing okay. I had a good job, and he was also working. I was renting my own place, and he had his. We didn’t really live together, but we’d spend evenings together a few times a week.

I had an older friend who usually drove me to work and helped me with errands — things like going to the market and driving me home afterward. So most things were already sorted out in my life. When I saw my husband in the evenings, it was mostly just “How was your day?” and light conversations.

I also had my mum’s house help staying with me at the time (she was continuing her schooling after my mum traveled), so she helped with light meals like rice, indomie, or pap during the week (evenings after work). I usually cooked on weekends when I was fully home — things like swallow and soup, stew, fried rice etc. (any heavy cooking for the week that we would keep in the freezer).

Basically, I was taking care of myself. I didn’t depend on him for money or anything. If he gave, I appreciated it, but I never asked.

Now things are different. Here, we have to really work together to survive — bills don’t wait for anyone. Rent alone is about NGN 1, 400,000 for just a room and bathroom in a shared house where we share kitchen with 3 other people. We are barely surviving, I have so much on my credit card already. So to me, teamwork just makes sense; it should come naturally.

I never imagined being with someone who could see that the only contract job that I am doing, that we are both using to survive which barely covers the rent — and with the contract ending as at then — did not feel moved to do more in our quest to find a better job or even just another job if that contract was never renewed. He slept peacefully every single day. It was share luck it was renewed. Someone quit and left to another company because my boss had told me earlier to start looking for work as she wasn't sure it would be renewed by management. The complacency sometimes kills me.

Sometimes I honestly feel like quitting that job myself just to see what happens or what he would do. Maybe he’d just go to his brother’s place and live with his brother and his wife and then tell me to go to my sister's house in another far location to stay or what? I would just go to her house and help her take care of her kids. I was there before, it was because of him I moved out, put this weight of rent on my head because of marriage feeling we were a team and would work tooth and nail together to figure it out.

But his focus is different, his focus is on who I called, controlling who I talk to, he even makes reference to who I may have had time to speak to at work, things he thinks he heard outside from one or two random people which of Course I would always be the culprit for, not even telling me he loves me, me begging for non-condom sex, he telling me that we are adults who can decide if the relationship would work or not and move on if we know it wont from now so we dont waste our time (though he says he only says that when I say i am tired or if he is leaving everything to me, what's the point of being two when it still feels like its only me), him sleeping peacefully like we have no real problems, reading those junk emails that enter your laptop in large amount everyday, ensuring I dont go for outings etc.

I just know he is waiting for his papers and he tells me when it comes out, I would know how hardworking he is.

I really feel like going out to pay for a lie detector test, i think I researched and it cost about NGN 600,000. I just really want to know if he ever loved me or should I say, if he genuinely loves me or it's a thing of convenience.

Because as I read all the messages here, I tend to remember things that I took casually that may have been strong signals if I was calm enough. I also kind of feel maybe I was a bit desperate maybe. Maybe I should have waited for someone with drive for living and growth. I knew him first in 2017 and when we were coming back together to date, my worry was that it was the same place / state/ level I left him in that he still was when we met again, which I told him was an issue for me. He then told me he did a lot of investments that failed, crypto, uber business where the driver based the car and all.

I know that we all dont have it covered and life is not always easy for us all (it was a bit easier for me back home as compared to here and now), so we are a product of the information we get access to and the people that advise us to go for greatness. So I then felt that if we could work as a team together, share materials that would make us grow, I can sharpen him and he too sharpen me where needed etc. I am just not sure if i am the only one in the team at the moment.

Ishilove:
Like, seriously, I'm baffled

Honestly, if not that she gave more details, I would've doubted the story.

breadtoaster:
We dated, but I think the pressures here are quite different from back home in Nigeria. Back then, we weren’t struggling to survive — we were both doing okay. I had a good job, and he was also working. I was renting my own place, and he had his. We didn’t really live together, but we’d spend evenings together a few times a week.

I had an older friend who usually drove me to work and helped me with errands — things like going to the market and driving me home afterward. So most things were already sorted out in my life. When I saw my husband in the evenings, it was mostly just “How was your day?” and light conversations.

I also had my mum’s house help staying with me at the time (she was continuing her schooling after my mum traveled), so she helped with light meals like rice, indomie, or pap during the week (evenings after work). I usually cooked on weekends when I was fully home — things like swallow and soup, stew, fried rice etc. (any heavy cooking for the week that we would keep in the freezer).

Basically, I was taking care of myself. I didn’t depend on him for money or anything. If he gave, I appreciated it, but I never asked.

Now things are different. Here, we have to really work together to survive — bills don’t wait for anyone. Rent alone is about NGN 1, 400,000 for just a room and bathroom in a shared house where we share kitchen with 3 other people. We are barely surviving, I have so much on my credit card already. So to me, teamwork just makes sense; it should come naturally.

I never imagined being with someone who could see that the only contract job that I am doing, that we are both using to survive which barely covers the rent — and with the contract ending as at then — did not feel moved to do more in our quest to find a better job or even just another job if that contract was never renewed. He slept peacefully every single day. It was share luck it was renewed. Someone quit and left to another company because my boss had told me earlier to start looking for work as she wasn't sure it would be renewed by management. The complacency sometimes kills me.

Sometimes I honestly feel like quitting that job myself just to see what happens or what he would do. Maybe he’d just go to his brother’s place and live with his brother and his wife and then tell me to go to my sister's house in another far location to stay or what? I would just go to her house and help her take care of her kids. I was there before, it was because of him I moved out, put this weight of rent on my head because of marriage feeling we were a team and would work tooth and nail together to figure it out.

But his focus is different, his focus is on who I called, controlling who I talk to, he even makes reference to who I may have had time to speak to at work, things he thinks he heard outside from one or two random people which of Course I would always be the culprit for, not even telling me he loves me, me begging for non-condom sex, he telling me that we are adults who can decide if the relationship would work or not and move on if we know it wont from now so we dont waste our time (though he says he only says that when I say i am tired or if he is leaving everything to me, what's the point of being two when it still feels like its only me), him sleeping peacefully like we have no real problems, reading those junk emails that enter your laptop in large amount everyday, ensuring I dont go for outings etc.

I just know he is waiting for his papers and he tells me when it comes out, I would know how hardworking he is.

I really feel like going out to pay for a lie detector test, i think I researched and it cost about NGN 600,000. I just really want to know if he ever loved me or should I say, if he genuinely loves me or it's a thing of convenience.

Because as I read all the messages here, I tend to remember things that I took casually that may have been strong signals if I was calm enough. I also kind of feel maybe I was a bit desperate maybe. Maybe I should have waited for someone with drive for living and growth. I knew him first in 2017 and when we were coming back together to date, my worry was that it was the same place / state/ level I left him in that he still was when we met again, which I told him was an issue for me. He then told me he did a lot of investments that failed, crypto, uber business where the driver based the car and all.

I know that we all dont have it covered and life is not always easy for us all (it was a bit easier for me back home as compared to here and now), so we are a product of the information we get access to and the people that advise us to go for greatness. So I then felt that if we could work as a team together, share materials that would make us grow, I can sharpen him and he too sharpen me where needed etc. I am just not sure if i am the only one in the team at the moment.

What struck me as I read this post is how it is filled with so many assumptions.

And then this

When I saw my husband in the evenings, it was mostly just “How was your day?” and light conversations.

This is the genesis built on the foundation of assumptions. No serious in-depth conversations, no plans for the future, no profiling, nothing.

The question is what are you going to do to remedy this?

I doubt this man really loves you! Perhaps you forced yourself on him. When I advised ladies to make sure they marry a man who is helplessly in love with them, cases like that of the op would be avoided when they follow my advice.

When you practically force yourself on a man, he not only turns you into a slave but you'll end up struggling to please him to no avail until you get tired.

Take a walk before one child is brought into whatever you call your marriage

This life na jeje.

Madam put head with ur husband and grow slowly.

You want a techy man, a crypto lord etc.


Please all that glitter is not gold

EVEN IF YOU CALM MARRY JESUS NA SAMETHING JUST BE PATIENCE IT A PHASE IT WILL PASS..
NA JUST TIME...

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always ....... starved tooo.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaFQonoCvLU?si=7kRGRCcyCbpaPNhB
I just saw this on Youtube.
Watch/listen to the end and message back.

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

Lots of issues. People should learn when to divorce and move on. Marriage is not a do or die affair. The red flags are numerous.

All those attacking the man haven't heard his own version of the story. Believe any woman's tale at your own risk. A woman hardly takes responsibility for her own faults and would rather find someone to put the blame on, even an animal. Ask Eve in the garden of Eden who blamed her sins on the serpent.
Rule is, always hear from both sides before concluding, no matter how sweet one person's side of the story sounds. Truth is, when you hear from both sides you'd most likely know who's telling the truth and who's not, or who's the one at fault. Only very immature people judge situations based on the story they hear from only one party in a case.

Women are weird ASF and you don’t know what you want.

Kobojunkie:
OP, do not let anyone emotionally blackmail you into holding on to that which you admit has so far stripped you of much of the little peace and sanity you have held onto until this point in time. Be more afraid that you might lose whatever else is left of your mind and self if you continue down this road that you have been on.

OP of you like, follow stupid advice from nairalanders with a vacuum between their ears, when you finally scatter your home it will be you alone under the rain.

eniolorunfe:
Why did you marry your husband? With all you have listed, it’s either this is a fake story or an incomplete story? Are you trying to tell us you did not see any of these red flags before tying the knot? This man sounds like someone that can’t even be bothered to pretend while trying to get you to marry him so, why did you agree to marry him?

What's red flag in what the man did? The man is employed and working full time. Do u expect him to return probably 8pm and still stay up through out the night? SHe even called a full time working man lazy.

The opp is the problem.

I don't like going out. Unless here in Europe while in Nigeria when its 7pm because of insecurity i remain indoor. I love being private likewise

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

Hello, I couldn't read everything but with the little I read, I think you are a little bit over reacting. Don't take this as an offense until you answer this few questions.
Do you think he will hit you at slightest opportunity? No I guess and I think you can almost swear on his behalf.
Did you date him before marriage? Yes I guess
Was he like this then? More like it, yes
Have you tried to find out his childhood experiences? Not that much I guess
Does he like exotic, good quality things if given to him as gift or does he admire them? Yes, I guess.
Is he intelligent? yes you said that earlier.
I think your man is smarter than you think, the side of life you want is something he loves and cherish too but he has certain poor background that scared him of jumping into the world the way you want him to do. As for him, everything has to be planned, giving chance to grow. And he is scared not to make mistakes that will mean starting a fresh. So I will advise you carefully work on him than trying to push him.
Sometimes we are born to raise others when you find yourself in such situation, handle with care and love.
Success

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

Madam stop listening to side talk or people without marriage or responsible man.

If u lose this man u will regret it with the baddo u are looking for.

From all u said the man is not giving u problems he is quite n reserve type.

You can work out with him in love n respect.

If u jet out.. Those guys u are looking upto will downloook u.. They only respect u because of him

You need to exercise it or loose it, virginity is not for men, it needs exercise, to build the muscles and veins.

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

Sorry. You only just need to get laid, i can see that you are being sexually starved by him, enough strokes from him to you, you will feel alive in your marriage again

Namaster:
"I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness."

I stopped reading this DRIVEL at this point.

The author is trying to VILIFY her husband for the same thing she's GUILTY of!

She's complaining that an EMPLOYED man goes to bed at 9 PM at night.

9PM!

MADNESS!

Her pains was the fact that he didn't allow her to be carefree with opposite sex she called friends.

I was initially thought the man is jobless, until I read more of her unnecessary ranting. I wonder what drive or ambition she could not pursue alone withiout the input of the so called friends.

Any married woman that is still talking about social circle is not yet mature or ready for marriage.

Kobojunkie:
1. It was never designed to be what it has almost always been. That makes no sense!

2. Stop with this nonsense! Since before even the time of your ancestors, divorce/abandonment has been commonplace. Almost 50 % of marriages tended towards just that in the end. So, why are you hell bent on putting this on the recent generation?

3. As far back as the 1980s, the official divorce rate in much of Northern Nigeria was over 50% — 80% in parts of Plateau state. However, given that shame and humiliation were mostly attached to divorce in the Southern states, most of the divorces were via abandonment (unofficial routes), and it was just as commonplace as what is obtained in the Northern states.

4. Marriages lasted then, even when historical records show that was never really the case for all marriages.

1980 is not long time ago, and he's brutally right between.

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage.


You dated someone before marriage yet you could not understand the person you dated and you're realizing things now that you're both married to each other.

You shouldn't be surprised because your husband you know when you were dating is different from the one that you married now because marriage is different from dating so be ready to see more, likewise him he'll see more of you now than ever.
Moreover not everything you'll bring to the media, go to his family and lay complains it could be that your husband has one or two that may be disturbing him and some men are good in keeping secrets and they prefer to die in silence just like the late Nollywood actor Muna, Muna had health complications and could not open up even to his wife until death took him the wife only found out from the doctor when Muna had passed away.
So go to your husband's family and open up to them what you're going through a lot in your marriage than posting here and there.

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

Trust me your husband problem is insecurities.
Make him have 100% trust in you, he will allow you to be absolutely free. And he seems to be more of introvert person and reserved, while you an extrovert. So don't push, just try the best you can and work ok making him trust you more so you can mingle and relieve yourself of boredom

Simply, not compatible!

Almost in similar situation.

risos:
Virgin wey conclude say gbola no dey work well, how you take know?
You sef no know wetin you want in the first place. Na only you and ya husband fit settle this matter. The problem be say you don understand all him moves finish, him no dey take you on unpredictable emotional ride, this female gender sef

She actually wan knack one of those her guy friends wey the husband dey prevent am from talking to.

If you guys haven't dealt with these type of women before, you would never know.

What TF are you doing keeping male friends as a married woman?

As a man, I don't even see any married woman as friend, they are either colleagues, coursemates, alumni or sellers of something something or Brother's wife sister or whatever but certainly NOT FRIEND!

Is your head swelling.....😬😬

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

breadtoaster:
We dated, but I think the pressures here are quite different from back home in Nigeria. Back then, we weren’t struggling to survive — we were both doing okay. I had a good job, and he was also working. I was renting my own place, and he had his. We didn’t really live together, but we’d spend evenings together a few times a week.

I had an older friend who usually drove me to work and helped me with errands — things like going to the market and driving me home afterward. So most things were already sorted out in my life. When I saw my husband in the evenings, it was mostly just “How was your day?” and light conversations.

I also had my mum’s house help staying with me at the time (she was continuing her schooling after my mum traveled), so she helped with light meals like rice, indomie, or pap during the week (evenings after work). I usually cooked on weekends when I was fully home — things like swallow and soup, stew, fried rice etc. (any heavy cooking for the week that we would keep in the freezer).

Basically, I was taking care of myself. I didn’t depend on him for money or anything. If he gave, I appreciated it, but I never asked.

Now things are different. Here, we have to really work together to survive — bills don’t wait for anyone. Rent alone is about NGN 1, 400,000 for just a room and bathroom in a shared house where we share kitchen with 3 other people. We are barely surviving, I have so much on my credit card already. So to me, teamwork just makes sense; it should come naturally.

I never imagined being with someone who could see that the only contract job that I am doing, that we are both using to survive which barely covers the rent — and with the contract ending as at then — did not feel moved to do more in our quest to find a better job or even just another job if that contract was never renewed. He slept peacefully every single day. It was share luck it was renewed. Someone quit and left to another company because my boss had told me earlier to start looking for work as she wasn't sure it would be renewed by management. The complacency sometimes kills me.

Sometimes I honestly feel like quitting that job myself just to see what happens or what he would do. Maybe he’d just go to his brother’s place and live with his brother and his wife and then tell me to go to my sister's house in another far location to stay or what? I would just go to her house and help her take care of her kids. I was there before, it was because of him I moved out, put this weight of rent on my head because of marriage feeling we were a team and would work tooth and nail together to figure it out.

But his focus is different, his focus is on who I called, controlling who I talk to, he even makes reference to who I may have had time to speak to at work, things he thinks he heard outside from one or two random people which of Course I would always be the culprit for, not even telling me he loves me, me begging for non-condom sex, he telling me that we are adults who can decide if the relationship would work or not and move on if we know it wont from now so we dont waste our time (though he says he only says that when I say i am tired or if he is leaving everything to me, what's the point of being two when it still feels like its only me), him sleeping peacefully like we have no real problems, reading those junk emails that enter your laptop in large amount everyday, ensuring I dont go for outings etc.

I just know he is waiting for his papers and he tells me when it comes out, I would know how hardworking he is.

I really feel like going out to pay for a lie detector test, i think I researched and it cost about NGN 600,000. I just really want to know if he ever loved me or should I say, if he genuinely loves me or it's a thing of convenience.

Because as I read all the messages here, I tend to remember things that I took casually that may have been strong signals if I was calm enough. I also kind of feel maybe I was a bit desperate maybe. Maybe I should have waited for someone with drive for living and growth. I knew him first in 2017 and when we were coming back together to date, my worry was that it was the same place / state/ level I left him in that he still was when we met again, which I told him was an issue for me. He then told me he did a lot of investments that failed, crypto, uber business where the driver based the car and all.

I know that we all dont have it covered and life is not always easy for us all (it was a bit easier for me back home as compared to here and now), so we are a product of the information we get access to and the people that advise us to go for greatness. So I then felt that if we could work as a team together, share materials that would make us grow, I can sharpen him and he too sharpen me where needed etc. I am just not sure if i am the only one in the team at the moment.

The problem stems from your subconscious memory of having had platonic male friends who were very active, motivating, and inspiring before you married your hubby.
Your hubby apparently happens to be the antithesis of all the attributes that you liked and admired in those male friends in your defunct circle.
Madam, marriage is hard work o!- to gel and blend with your spouse will take time, maybe months, and even years depending on the intensity of commitments from both parties.

You married a good man that is just laid back, that's all and you should do well to understand that and even come to terms with his inert nature.
Look at me now, I have a high drive and because of my forceful nature at getting things done(proactive)I often tend to push my wife who happens to be like your husband but she is having quite a hard time adjusting to my energy. It causes friction between us often and we are 6 years already with 2 boys.
Madam, marriage requires pertinent hard work; the initial palpable love (infatuation) during courtship will eventually wear off when the actually ball of marital reality begins to roll. It takes maturity and dogged will power to keep finding reasons to stick with your spouse in a lifetime.