₦airaland Forum

yemmit90:
Her pains was the fact that he didn't allow her to be carefree with opposite sex she called friends.

I was initially thought the man is jobless, until I read more of her unnecessary ranting. I wonder what drive or ambition she could not pursue alone withiout the input of the so called friends.

Any married woman that is still talking about social circle is not yet mature or ready for marriage.

Exactly.

If your social support is not your partner, you are just looking for another excuse to blame the devil for letting you go on a riding spree of another pr.ick.

The fast way satan destroy marriages is by showing wives a negative perception of their husband.

All these complaints will become nothing to you after you lost the marriage. Be Wise , most women who left their marriages are regretting now.

Many ladies think marriage will solve their loneliness problem.. please most times it doesn't oo.

Especially in this economy.

Stop getting married ladies.. yet una nor a agree.

, u entered marriage wasted the man's life savings in one yeye wedding party, then wake up tomorrow and say u re not feeling the marriage again.

If u wanted feelings why disturb the man, about marriage in the first place??

Anyway atleast in this part of the world, ladies can't claim 50% of the man's savings.. lol

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

Madam opt out of the marriage. Divorce him and live your life simple

Kobojunkie:
OP, do not let anyone emotionally blackmail you into holding on to that which you admit has so far stripped you of much of the little peace and sanity you have held onto until this point in time. Be more afraid that you might lose whatever else is left of your mind and self if you continue down this road that you have been on.

OP do not listen to people like this, that take the time to arrange your problems in bullets.
I can tell this person is female, above 30 and unmarried. The last thing you want to do is take her advice.
Your husband is just an introvert and lacks interest in social interactions. He’s probably been like that his whole life. As long as he’s not beating you or constantly insulting you, learn to talk with him. Every marriage has problems and challenges. Learn to pursue your own goals without your husband getting in the way. There are smart ways to do it.
Power through it, and when you get to the end, believe me, you’ll be glad you did.

I can deduce from your article that you are quite young. You will learn to take charge of your life as you get older. But please don't wait too long because time has a way of dulling the senses.

Find friends who are highly motivated. Have mentors. It's a good thing you go to work, find out what others are doing to push ahead and do same.

Learning new skills also helps ward off boredom. Try and learn anything that might be of interest to you. You can go to YouTube or pay to have someone teach you outside of the house. If you are into academics, enroll to do your masters, PhD etc. Theese qualifications open doors for better pay and even remote jobs.

As for going out with him etc, forget it. It will never likely happen. For your peace of mind, understand your spouse so that your chances of surviving your marriage increases. If he doesn't show love like in the novels, accept that which he offers in his own way.

I honestly don't want to say you don't have any serious problems because these are very valid concerns to you NOW but trust me as you grow in age and maturity, these complaints will be the least of your problems.

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

/
You are the bigger problem in the marriage.

You lack personal responsibility and accountability else how can you intentionally jump into fire and start complaining that it burns?

It will be difficult to convince anyone that he didn't have these characteristics when you were dating but you ignored them out of desperation only to turn around to seek empathy from strangers. Look in the mirror. Whatever you see in that mirror is your problem.

/

breadtoaster:
We all not perfect, I can state some of the obvious ones he had issue with

When we came together, I was a loud person. I liked to express myself openly, even during arguments, so I would talk loudly. He, on the other hand, is very quiet. That was different for me, so I had to learn how to express my anger calmly — which feels weird because there’s no energy in it. How do you show happiness or unhappiness without life? How do you just stay passive, as if the issue doesn’t exist, and feel comfortable going through it without feeling anything in your body or the need to actively do something to change it. We were somewhere were a lady as talking passionately in a group sort of, the next thing i saw my husband ask sorry do you have an issue with me? because the way you are talking? this lady was just talking, I didn't honestly notice any energy directed at him but he cant just stand high energy sort of (maybe his nature i dont know). it was so embarrassing to everyone there and he didnt even know what he did was wrong. Since then, I am scared to have him attend any social thing that would be in a group setting because I dont know what low self esteem attitude he would potray or antisocial attitude.

I’m also a blunt person. I tend to say things as they are. For example, I might say, “Haba, you’re not even assisting us to do better. It’s been months now, how many times have you applied?” instead of saying, “Please dont forget to apply for something for us today.” then tomorrow " pls apply for something today", then tomorrow continue again. That's too much energy, I dont even have it, I have so many conflicting priorities, assignment, group work, full time job, full time school to handle. How do I baby a grown adult to do what they’re supposed to do when they should do it?

I’ve always been that person who doesn’t need to be pushed to act. I’m not the most diplomatic person honestly.

For example, when he said if he doesn’t use a condom, there’ll be no sex because he doesn’t have a job here and he clearly isn’t applying, I felt hurt. Why should I be treated that way, after having only two sexual experiences in my entire life, you arent even looking for a work and I keep begging, when we can find two jobs , do together and it would be our money? So I told him, “Let’s just go back home to Nigeria where you have a job, so you can be able to knack me appropriately. But I’m not having condom-based sex for months, which means we won’t have sex again until we’re in Nigeria.”

That annoyed him because he felt I was threatening him by saying he should go back — meanwhile, that statement included me too, not just him.

Diplomacy at that point would have been to just agree, look sexy, and maybe hope and pray that during a knack session, he’d throw the condom away and want it raw.

But honestly. I’m wired logically — all that “arrangement above” feels like too much mental work. Thinking about how to “trick” someone to get my way doesn’t come naturally to me. Yet it seems most people don’t like the plain truth — they prefer to be “tricked”.

For me, it’s the opposite. I get angry when someone tries to trick me into doing something. I hate it with my life. I feel manipulated. I prefer you to sit down and talk about issues with me, reason them out logically, and find a middle ground. If that middle ground isn’t working, I’d want to comeback and say, “This ground has shifted o, I’m not feeling this middle ground anymore,” and then we talk again until we find another way.

Another thing I do — I might innocently say, “Ah, so-and-so just started this new side hustle o, what can we also do?” I don’t realize it sounds like comparison to him. But I’m genuinely only trying to share something that inspired me, to start a conversation about how we can improve our lives. He gets upset, saying I’m comparing him, while I’m just thinking about survival and progress.

When he wasn’t applying or doing anything on this our hustle to survive, I told him at one point, “This is becoming too much. Between school, work, and trying to study for certification exams, I’m stretched. When I come back from work, maybe you can help us with cooking since you’re not applying for jobs. If you were applying, I’d gladly cook for hours after work. But I can’t keep doing everything. This is a contract job — what if they don’t renew it? We should be putting in serious effort.

Yet, he never applied or showed concern. He’d just casually apply once in say two weeks. And I kept wondering how he really thinks we’ll survive. So I decided I won’t cook, since he’s not taking responsibility — I’d rather focus on the priorities of finding a better job so we can take care of our needs and I wont keep living on credit, because any credit we end up taking is in my name and in my credit card so I have the loan on my end consciously or subconsciously.

Oh, and I also talk to my friends on the phone. It’s not like I’m doing bad things — I just want to learn, share ideas, and stay sane. He, on the other hand, doesn’t really have friends — not here, not even back in Nigeria. Maybe some people from school, but no close friends or anyone I know. Just living alone. I used to think that was strength, but I didn’t realize that lack of social interaction could haunt me.

So now, he expects me to also live that way. But abroad is already lonely and depressing — how do I survive without talking to people? I need communication for my mental health.

Both of you should deal with it, you both ignore the damn signs from the beginning.
You both wanted the marriage for the sake of it, forgetting marriage is long time union.
No human is perfect when it's come to marriage but reasonable ones always go for that some one that less risky; I mean partner that they can afford to their shit for a very long time without being tired.
You both are the opposite.

Sorry to see you go through this.

Sometimes when I see people going into marriage, I ask them why are they marrying and who are they marrying.

Most times we marry because of community and peer pressure, which later in turn affect the marriages.

But it's never late, reading through all you've posted I'll advice you speak to him about both of you seeing a counsellor, the counsellor should identify fallout and recommend ways to reignite the emotional bonding with you too. And if he doesn't align with you in seeing a counsellor, sometimes it makes no sense loosing one self for our partners. If kids are not involved, you might have to consider opting out of the marriage. But this should be on mutual agreement that the marriage isn't working for you two.

Nowadays nothing like love or misunderstandings again. Any small thing, break up and divorced. I just wonder how it would have been if our parents had same thoughts. Nowadays, we chase fantasy, fairytale marriage which we can’t find or very few percentage finds.

I shake my head for this generation 🤦‍♂️

This is my little advise for you...I will not condemn you or your husband because there is no marriage that is perfect neither will I advice you to leave your husband just like some ladies are suggesting because non of them will be ready to share her husband or partner with you.

I will rather say you should force him to Communicate with you, this is not what you will do one day and get tired.

Secondly, sir together and communicate how this is affecting you mentally and psychologically and it's capability of throwing you into depression and more problems and the reason why he has to adjust.

Thirdly, take your spirituality more seriously. You both started well but stopped going to church after marriage.You have literally removed God and invited the enemy of your marriage.

Fourtly, with what I can deduce from your write up, you marriage lacks good SEX, lack of good sex at times makes either or both parties behave irrationally, you will just be angry over a little thing and be moody..Look into this if my guess is right.

You need the help of a marriage counselor as soon as possible .

Please, don't leave your husband...none of you is perfect because, I am very sure your self have a fault in this but you failed to point it out in this write up.

Thank you

Mariangeles:
Are new born babies taught how to latch onto their mothers' breasts and suckle?

Mariangeles, Mariangeles,Mariangeles!!!
How many times did I call you?
So you mean that you know how it should be like without having tasted it before?
Wonderful!

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

madam your eye dey outside. Just divorce the man and hook up with those your man friends you've been learning from. Come to think of it, why did you not marry one of them in the first place?


Abeg no lemme vex. Una go dey use Una wahala dey disturb us.

Namaster:
"I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness."

I stopped reading this DRIVEL at this point.

The author is trying to VILIFY her husband for the same thing she's GUILTY of!

She's complaining that an EMPLOYED man goes to bed at 9 PM at night.

9PM!

MADNESS!

Oosseeeyyyy....
Because we no be doctor, we no know book.....
Man wey dey hustle to stay up....??
Tot it was a man at the beginning, but turned out to be a she- my bad.
Nigerian women, step up

SpencerForbes:
Nowadays nothing like love or misunderstandings again. Any small thing, break up and divorced. I just wonder how it would have been if our parents had same thoughts. Nowadays, we chase fantasy, fairytale marriage which we can’t find or very few percentage finds.

I shake my head for this generation 🤦‍♂️

You can imagine.
She wants someone who has probably been an introvert all his life to change to Davido.
Imagination go finish this generation. Most of them just believe that life should be like a movie.

The harsh economy is causing problems in marriages

DrAda:
I can deduce from your article that you are quite young. You will learn to take charge of your life as you get older. But please don't wait too long because time has a way of dulling our senses.

Find friends who are highly motivated. Have mentors. It's a good thing you go to work, find out what others are doing to push ahead and do same.

Learning new skills also helps ward off boredom. Try and learn anything that might be of interest to you. You can go to YouTube or pay to have someone teach you outside of the house. If you are into academics, enroll to do your masters, PhD etc. Theese qualifications open doors for better pay and even remote jobs.

As for going out with him etc, forget it. It will never likely happen. For your peace of mind, understand your spouse so that your chances of surviving your marriage increases. If he doesn't show love like in the novels, accept that which he offers in his own way.

I honestly don't want to say you don't have any serious problems because these are very valid concerns to you NOW but trust me as you grow in age and maturity, these complaints will be the least of your problems.

Wisest advice so far.

She either llistens to you or perish.

Me I am sha divorcing my own wife by Christmas this year. Nothing stopping me.

Marriage doesn’t change someone’s life. Many Nigerians are shocked that they don’t wake up in fairytales a day after getting married. Childbirth does not change anyone’s life. Nigerians are disappointed that they don’t feel any different after children are born. Death does not change the existence of the living. Bills, hunger and maintenance concerns will wake you up from grief very fast. Who don die don go.

[quote author=Kobojunkie post=137101429]Red flag #3! Aggression and lashing out... definitely not good signs. Was this some sort of arranged marriage?

2. You obviously thought wrong since humans aren't judged by their silence but by their actions. Most of us have known this since we were kids, so why did you choose to go against common sense in these things?

3. Why did you marry this person again? [/quote

Zackattack:
You can imagine.
She wants someone who has probably been an introvert all his life to change to someone as social as Davido.
Imagination naim go finish this generation. Most of them just believe that life should be like a movie.

Too much Cinderella and Snow White has destroyed this generation. Everyone now wants a Prince Charming. My mom stood to keep my family together and till tomorrow I’ll be proud of her. Likewise some of our mothers.

This generation don’t know the foundations of marriage. It’s so unfortunate. Forgetting that even the Prince Charming, majority of them still have issues.

So so unfortunate 🚶‍♂️

breadtoaster:
We all not perfect, I can state some of the obvious ones he had issue with

When we came together, I was a loud person. I liked to express myself openly, even during arguments, so I would talk loudly. He, on the other hand, is very quiet. That was different for me, so I had to learn how to express my anger calmly — which feels weird because there’s no energy in it. How do you show happiness or unhappiness without life? How do you just stay passive, as if the issue doesn’t exist, and feel comfortable going through it without feeling anything in your body or the need to actively do something to change it. We were somewhere were a lady as talking passionately in a group sort of, the next thing i saw my husband ask sorry do you have an issue with me? because the way you are talking? this lady was just talking, I didn't honestly notice any energy directed at him but he cant just stand high energy sort of (maybe his nature i dont know). it was so embarrassing to everyone there and he didnt even know what he did was wrong. Since then, I am scared to have him attend any social thing that would be in a group setting because I dont know what low self esteem attitude he would potray or antisocial attitude.

I’m also a blunt person. I tend to say things as they are. For example, I might say, “Haba, you’re not even assisting us to do better. It’s been months now, how many times have you applied?” instead of saying, “Please dont forget to apply for something for us today.” then tomorrow " pls apply for something today", then tomorrow continue again. That's too much energy, I dont even have it, I have so many conflicting priorities, assignment, group work, full time job, full time school to handle. How do I baby a grown adult to do what they’re supposed to do when they should do it?

I’ve always been that person who doesn’t need to be pushed to act. I’m not the most diplomatic person honestly.

For example, when he said if he doesn’t use a condom, there’ll be no sex because he doesn’t have a job here and he clearly isn’t applying, I felt hurt. Why should I be treated that way, after having only two sexual experiences in my entire life, you arent even looking for a work and I keep begging, when we can find two jobs , do together and it would be our money? So I told him, “Let’s just go back home to Nigeria where you have a job, so you can be able to knack me appropriately. But I’m not having condom-based sex for months, which means we won’t have sex again until we’re in Nigeria.”

That annoyed him because he felt I was threatening him by saying he should go back — meanwhile, that statement included me too, not just him.

Diplomacy at that point would have been to just agree, look sexy, and maybe hope and pray that during a knack session, he’d throw the condom away and want it raw.

But honestly. I’m wired logically — all that “arrangement above” feels like too much mental work. Thinking about how to “trick” someone to get my way doesn’t come naturally to me. Yet it seems most people don’t like the plain truth — they prefer to be “tricked”.

For me, it’s the opposite. I get angry when someone tries to trick me into doing something. I hate it with my life. I feel manipulated. I prefer you to sit down and talk about issues with me, reason them out logically, and find a middle ground. If that middle ground isn’t working, I’d want to comeback and say, “This ground has shifted o, I’m not feeling this middle ground anymore,” and then we talk again until we find another way.

Another thing I do — I might innocently say, “Ah, so-and-so just started this new side hustle o, what can we also do?” I don’t realize it sounds like comparison to him. But I’m genuinely only trying to share something that inspired me, to start a conversation about how we can improve our lives. He gets upset, saying I’m comparing him, while I’m just thinking about survival and progress.

When he wasn’t applying or doing anything on this our hustle to survive, I told him at one point, “This is becoming too much. Between school, work, and trying to study for certification exams, I’m stretched. When I come back from work, maybe you can help us with cooking since you’re not applying for jobs. If you were applying, I’d gladly cook for hours after work. But I can’t keep doing everything. This is a contract job — what if they don’t renew it? We should be putting in serious effort.

Yet, he never applied or showed concern. He’d just casually apply once in say two weeks. And I kept wondering how he really thinks we’ll survive. So I decided I won’t cook, since he’s not taking responsibility — I’d rather focus on the priorities of finding a better job so we can take care of our needs and I wont keep living on credit, because any credit we end up taking is in my name and in my credit card so I have the loan on my end consciously or subconsciously.

Oh, and I also talk to my friends on the phone. It’s not like I’m doing bad things — I just want to learn, share ideas, and stay sane. He, on the other hand, doesn’t really have friends — not here, not even back in Nigeria. Maybe some people from school, but no close friends or anyone I know. Just living alone. I used to think that was strength, but I didn’t realize that lack of social interaction could haunt me.

So now, he expects me to also live that way. But abroad is already lonely and depressing — how do I survive without talking to people? I need communication for my mental health.

The thing is you guys are not compatible, and getting married to someone who's not compatible with you only means misery, not all relationships should end in marriage, the thing is only love is not enough to keep a marriage, as an adult you should know that, I love him or he loves me, that is just about 10 percent of the marriage because apparently love is just a feeling, action really matters, and that's where so many of us makes mistakes, you need to be able to identify red flags, you need to study their character, know their temperament, look at their effort towards the relationship and most importantly determine if you both personality and goal really align, the absence of this only means you're signed up for torment...




For example, from your explanation your husband is obviously a controlling husband who wants to micromanage your affairs, only this bad trait will make you feel suffocated and trapped, simply because someone has taken your autonomy away and now you are scared to do the little things that really matters to you like dancing or talking to people on the phone, this will only lead to anxiety and that's more problem for you.

Kobojunkie:
Red flag #1. He dated you while you had all those friends around — your social support— you and didn't say anything, but then decided you needed to cut your social circle off completely after marriage. That is a problem. You need to discuss this with him and let him understand that he should be able to see that you need that support, particularly since he is not providing any tangible, meaningful alternative. Depression is real, and many married women in your shoes know this as their lot.

If your partner wishes you to change your friends and social circle because he is in your life or married to you—seriously controlling behavior —, that red flag should be more than enough reason for you to know you are not supposed to be together at all, under any circumstances.

Women Sha... So quick to spot a supposed red flag.... Whc to me isn't a red flag... While leaving the real red flag out...
It is a known fact in life that most times when you chance status, your circle of friends changes.... She is now married but naturaly hanging without singles should naturally stop...
The real red flag is this.... She dated him... She must have noticed his disposition to life... She went ahead to marry him..sje didn't see one of those her highly motivated friends to marry ooo.... She now want to force the guy to change over night..
By the way...... Her own motivated approach to life.. What has she achieved so far... Motion is not movement!!!

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

ever paused to consider the possibility that you could be damaged to the point where you find normal men dull and you mistake peace for boredom.

Seems to me you're coming from a chaotic background with different men and you're used to this tempo these roughnecks brought to your life?

From your explanation
The signs are already there
You still went ahead to be his wife
Where you forced to marry him....?
You already said
While dating
You did go to your male friends for "MANLY"
Advise and many more.
So you already no what to expect.

No come dey disturb this forum
You want us to advise you to leave him abi.
Divorce no easy but Dem no go tell you until you join Dem

004gist:
This life na jeje.

Madam put head with ur husband and grow slowly.

You want a techy man, a crypto lord etc.


Please all that glitter is not gold

Lol

Someone finally said it!

The lady has a shockingly high opinion of herself.

From her description,I actually like her husband's personality.He comes across as an "easy come,easy go" person who has little patience for emotional nonsense.Marriage is definitely not for him though

Go to court and initiate divorce process and stop disturbing people here,una go open una eye marry man because the man is "spiritual" and get good " work" and money and them start disturbing people with una selfish desires when the mane nor gree allow una to enjoy am,madam go and divorce and stop destroying the innocent man's personality here,the man has done you no wrong and he never stopped you from marrying those your so-called smart and savvy male friends.

Kobojunkie:
Red flag #1. He dated you while you had all those friends around — your social support— you and didn't say anything, but then decided you needed to cut your social circle off completely after marriage. That is a problem. You need to discuss this with him and let him understand that he should be able to see that you need that support, particularly since he is not providing any tangible, meaningful alternative. Depression is real, and many married women in your shoes know this as their lot.

If your partner wishes you to change your friends and social circle because he is in your life or married to you—seriously controlling behavior —, that red flag should be more than enough reason for you to know you are not supposed to be together at all, under any circumstances.

You heard from one part, have you heard from the man?

BadBradley:
ever paused to consider the possibility that you could be damaged to the point where you find normal men dull and you mistake peace for boredom.

Seems to me you're coming from a chaotic background with different men and you're used to this tempo these roughnecks brought to your life?

Exactly.
The man is a peaceful man who does not like problems.

He comes from work, return to the family at home, eat, sleeps by 9pm, up in the morning to work.


I think the woman is this ladies that have jumped from one guy to another... So many heartbreak etc... While she is truly a Virgin. She might have had non penetrative relationship with lots of Guys... The touching body type

pocohantas:
You should have married one of your ambitious friends or some other ambitious man. You married your husband and now you remember you are a driven woman. He doesn't do this and that. So what exactly made you marry him? Even in LDR, you will definitely notice these traits. Were you given 6mths to marry or lose out of a family inheritance?

God bless you for this. I'm tired of all these marital issues. Why did she get married to him in the first place. I just dey vex. No be all these ones dey do me like this.