₦airaland Forum

appliedscience:
✓ Women Sha... So quick to spot a supposed red flag.... Whc to me isn't a red flag... While leaving the real red flag out...
It is a known fact in life that most times when you chance status, your circle of friends changes.... She is now married but naturaly hanging without singles should naturally stop...
✓ The real red flag is this.... She dated him... She must have noticed his disposition to life... She went ahead to marry him..sje didn't see one of those her highly motivated friends to marry ooo.... She now want to force the guy to change over night..
By the way...... Her own motivated approach to life.. What has she achieved so far... Motion is not movement!!!

Wrong! That isn't a fact but a choice individuals make depending on the state of their self esteem. There are many people out there who have kept the same set of friends since their kindergarten days and there are those whose minds cannot stand them mingling with the same set of individuals as those they met in college for reasons best known to them. There choices have nothing to do with events in life but their mental and emotional maturity levels.

2. Dating someone isn't a red flag and people date for different reasons. However, changing yourself to please someone you claim to date is a very dangerous kind of red flag.

Zackattack:
➜ OP do not listen to people like this, that take the time to arrange your problems in bullets.
I can tell this person is female, above 30 and unmarried. The last thing you want to do is take her advice.
➜ Your husband is just an introvert and lacks interest in social interactions. He’s probably been like that his whole life. As long as he’s not beating you or constantly insulting you, learn to talk with him.
➜ Every marriage has problems and challenges. Learn to pursue your own goals without your husband getting in the way. There are smart ways to do it.
➜ Power through it, and when you get to the end, believe me, you’ll be glad you did.

Bullets are good for highlighting issues that are of importance in any write-up. I guess you skipped writing class.

2. OP's husband lacks interest in social interactions, including interactions with his own wife and her emotional well-being. And you say that has to do with his being an introvert. 🥱🥱🥱

I am an introvert. I have not been outside the house for the last 2 weeks or so. Cold seasons are already upon us, and unless I have something to do outside, I totally avoid going out. Yet, I interact daily with members of my household, other family members, and also folks online. I am nothing like OP's husband

3. What OP highlighted are not marriage problems; they are rather problems that point to the non-existence of a romantic relationship with the person she is married to. Even if OP is imagining all of these issues, the fact that they burden her is evidence enough that she is not with an individual who is interested in a relationship with her. 🥱🥱🥱

4. Power through it, ke? You mean like your mothers and grandmothers, most of whom ended up wasting their lives serving the whims of husbands who abused them until the end, with them having nothing to show for it except traumatized children and horror stories to tell?

Are you ABSOLUTELY SURE that he is not gay?

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

Thank you so much, everyone. I've read a lot, and I've learned a lot, to be honest, from this. My plan was never, per se, that I'm looking for a divorce, no. I do know that we all operate at the level of the knowledge we have, and if he knew better, same way, of course, if I knew better with regards to how to manage some things, then maybe those things wouldn't even be issues, right? So it shows that there's a knowledge lacking on my part and on his part, and sometimes when there's familiarity between two people, it's hard to see or hear what they say. And that's why, when you hear things externally, you can see perspective better, and I understand when, like, I've read through some people saying it's his nature — even though that pertinence part is really crappy — but that's by the way.

I just know that if my mental health wasn't getting affected, there wouldn't be an issue. Like, for me, whether it's his nature to be laid back or not, bills have to be paid, and the bills don't know that it's his nature. The bills don't know that we need to look for something else doing while he waits. Yes, he works, I'm not even going to deny that, but of course, he's working remotely from Nigeria. The work he was doing for a while, I think they gave him to be able to do it till December. So he's working, but that's like, say, NGN 500,000 a month which in dollars is little. So how does that pay a house rent of NGN 1,400,000 every month? Ideally, I would expect that common sense would come together — okay, how can we work at getting something to do together? Considering that I know single people who do three jobs, who do two jobs, who do this, but it's like, I'm alone to even brainstorm common ideas, he has not one to offer, maybe doesn't want to task his brain. He wouldn’t even ask, “Oh, how was rent this month? Have we paid? what's our finances like this month?

It kind of makes me remember how we were dating, because apparently, he didn’t used to even say anything then. When I travelled, during the 11-12 months while we were dating long distance, I think it was during that period I was like, “Ah, guy, even if it’s only 10,000 naira that you’re sending, just show your love or commitment na. Do I need to ask?” So going back, it makes me feel like I’ve asked for everything, and it can be very confusing. I know some of you here are quiet and all, but it’s really confusing from a woman’s point of view — is this really his nature or is it just lack of love or care or concern for the person you claim you’re dating? He mentioned today that he thought the money would be too small even if he gave me anything that's why he never sent anything.

So it’s really hard for me. These bills don’t know it, and it has to be the person with the eyes who is seeing it that does something, right? Clearly, I’m the one more in tune with it at the moment. Being with someone who won’t even ask, “Hope we paid this month’s rent?” or “Have we paid?” — you know, just care or concern, genuine, like, about it — but you are just there, you sleep, you wake up, even unbothered when the only job we are both using to eat was ending, no support to apply while I read for exams and all, And he told me he had no other plan because I asked what would have happened if that job wasn't renewed. He said he was praying for me that they would renew it. And you happen to be the head of the home as a man. Ah, it’s killing, it’s killing for me. As a woman, I’m not even going to lie. Maybe because things are tough and combining school and everything at once, and a whole lot, I’m burnt out. That’s the problem — highly burnt out. I’m tired, I wake up, I cry every day. Resentment is building.

And that’s why, like, I had to come out. And in all of this, it’s painful that he has energy, but those energies are for being petty. Like, oh, you can’t go for your work party, and then he’ll be passive-aggressive about it. Then he’ll say, “It’s the way you said it that made me angry.” Or, “You can’t talk to this person or that person; I should be enough.” You should be enough, but even the things we should do together, you can’t out your mind to work. Wont I reach out to people around for ideas, or ways to move forward. Even to put in one single application a week is a big deal for you because you are working back home— the same work that cannot obviously meet our needs.

I am doing full time work, full time school with 4 course work (assignments, group work etc), still comeback to cook because he wont cook and wait for me, I have done four job certification exams and read for it all in this process to get a better job, still come back to trade which is where am able to get small $50 or $100, we use to offset some other things, so we can be comfortable. He would say he would learn all this things, its jst a process and taking no step at learning even one extra thing at the moment.

We can even sell stuff from a charity store near us, post on facebook market place and all that, just extra income to meet one or two needs. I have mentioned, but he would rahter die or wait for hen he finally blows. so should we die before then?

Like, how do you not stand up to the responsibility of home in what ever capacity you can at the moment? How do you not see the reality of things and contribute in what ever way you can at the moment? How do you not see that we’re drowning, and you’re supposed to lead, yet you sleep and wake up and always tell me you feel I have it covered?. He says I dont see that he walks me to the train station in the morning when going to work. And to me it makes me so sad because I wonder how the barest minimum is a sign of the greatest love. Is it that he just doesn't know how to show love to a woman? I dont even understand. I am seriously confused most times

I also tried to do my driving test because, at a point, I didn’t even mind doing deliveries or something on weekends so we could survive better. I planned the route I knew best for the driving test. I had a friend who has a car which i begged to help , even if it was to practice two or three days before the test and use the car for the test because we dont have the money to do practise and do test together it would cost around (NGN 600,000 at least). He agreed, and I told my husband. He said no problem, that we should just ensure to pay the person something even if it is NGN 200,000. I had introduced him to this person when he came.

Then the day of the test came. I told him that morning, “Let’s go together,” because I knew who I was dealing with. But he said he couldn’t go because I told him too late just that morning to join and, that he already had plans. Okay. I went alone. When I came back, he didn’t even ask, “How did it go?” Nothing. Just sulking, keeping to himself. So I was like, is it that you don’t want me to take the test and help our lives? Or is the issue that I practiced with the guy yuo approved and I told you to join us and you refused? You’re the one who said I should proceed and pay him, so why are you sulking? Why are you giving bad energy because I went for my test?

The body language and all made me cancel the next practice and I never did the test just to keep the peace of the home. I realized there are things I wont now achieve because he is insecure, places I would never be because he is scared of who I would meet there. And it’s not like, at the back end, he’s my surest nigga, ride or die, he wont think of anything, just to sleep right after, he has refuse to make one single friend here in 8 months, he stayed away from people I even introduced him that they can mingle with and you know expose him things around since they have been here longer. so It’s not like, at the back end, he WOULD BE ENOUGH OR DO ENOUGH. It’s not like I hear often how much he loves me. I can’t count if he has he’s told me he loves me in the last four months. Even the wedding day na face we squeeze take marry.

When you don’t feel supported, you don’t feel loved, you just feel like you’re on your own. So when people say, “If you’re divorced, you’ll feel alone,” I ask, what’s the difference? Even as I am, I feel so fucking alone. Everything is dead, and he doesn’t mind. He’s just fine.

We go out somewhere — how do you even go to a lounge and sleep all through? Then I have to dance by myself. Obviously, I’m married; I can’t dance with anyone else, right? He won’t even like that — he’ll get angry. In fact, he’s just there to monitor me there, not to actually have fun with me. So yesit means he has energy, yes, but it’s all for being petty and the wrong reasons. not the rigt ones

How does that help the situation? How does that take us forward? That’s why sometimes I feel like I should quit my job and see what he’ll do. I feel like he’ll chicken out and say he’s going back to Nigeria or something. So is that what true leadership is?

Does it mean that because I said yes to this relationship, I have to live this way? No. I thought you were a spiritual brother — that we’d do well in prayers and everything. But you can’t even pray with me because, according to you, I don’t wake up very early enough. I would say but haba, cant we can pray at other times, like in the evening after work, after all we find time to eat then, but he wont, he would be busy praying alone. So is that enrgy towards building? So is it a case of wanting to be right over wanting to build. Even in the spirituality, I did not get the benefit. I don’t get it. Maybe he’s used to doing things alone, and that’s why he finds it hard to even pray with me.


Sometimes i feel once his paper is out, he would find an excuse and leave.... if he doesnt trust me and tells me he only trusts me 60%, why should I trust hm too


And even sex — like I said before — It was twice i two months, the first sex and the one after in the next month, then he brought the need to sleep with me with condom, which was when I called the brother and his brother gave him some tips on what he should do or could do better, only then, it seemed like there was a little more energy in him wanting to research and improve things. As it is we dont even know how to align the prick to enter from the back talkless of changing style. I dont even feel anything during penetrative sex, maybe its common to women though, I dont know. Even for him to research how to enter from that back (doggy), If i havent found video and put in his front, its not intuitive for him to try and research and then practise it or " say oh the one i watched, the guy did like this or like that, lets try". Usually, a woman would say, “At least he knows how to Bleep even if he no send me in any other area,” you get? But there is nothing for me to hold onto, and it is very painful for me.


But now, it’s been like another three weeks since we last had sex, and I feel it’s having an impact again. The environment is tense. I am feeling more frustrated And if I’m not the one to notice that maybe it’s because we haven’t had sex that things are even feeling worse, he’ll never realize it or initiate it. He just won’t.

So I don’t know. How do people handle relationships where you have to be the brain as a woman and still be respectful, still hold things together? I know people have done it, but it feels hard. Really hard. And I didn’t bargain for this. Maybe I saw the signs, but I didn’t think it would get this deep. I just thought, oh, he’s quiet.

bigboss25:
➜ 1980 is not long time ago, and he's brutally right between.

Records of such things go as far back as 1980 and prove him wrong, approximately 45 years ago. Most of you today were not even born then. But you would pretend records should not matter because you would rather pretend those should not count since your fantastical view tells you a magical time existed before then, abi?

breadtoaster:
➜Does it mean that because I said yes to this relationship, I have to live this way? No. I thought you were a spiritual brother — that we’d do well in prayers and everything. But you can’t even pray with me because, according to you, I don’t wake up very early enough. I would say but haba, cant we can pray at other times, like in the evening after work, after all we find time to eat then, but he wont, he would be busy praying alone. So is that enrgy towards building? So is it a case of wanting to be right over wanting to build. Even in the spirituality, I did not get the benefit. I don’t get it. Maybe he’s used to doing things alone, and that’s why he finds it hard to even pray with me.
➜ Sometimes i feel once his paper is out, he would find an excuse and leave....
➜ if he doesnt trust me and tells me he only trusts me 60%, why should I trust hm too
➜ And even sex — like I said before — It was twice i two months, the first sex and one after d next month, then the need to sleep with me with condm, which was when I called the brother and his brother gave him some tips on what he should do or could do better, only then, it seemed like there was a little more energy in him wanting to research and improve things. As it is we dont even know how to allign the prick to enter from the back talkless of changing style. I dont even feel anything during penetrative sex, maybe its common to women though, I dont know. Even for himto reesearch how to enter from that back, If i havent found video and put in his front, its not intuitvie for him to try and research. Usually, a woman would say, “At least he knows how to Bleep even if he no send me in ay area,” you get? But there is nothing for me to hold onto, and it is very painful for me.
➜But now, it’s been like another three weeks since we last had sex, and I feel it’s having an impact again. The environment is tense. And if I’m not the one to notice that maybe it’s because we haven’t had sex that things are this way, he’ll never realize it. He just won’t.
So I don’t know. How do people handle relationships where you have to be the brain as a woman and still be respectful, still hold things together? I know people have done it, but it feels hard. Really hard. And I didn’t bargain for this. Maybe I saw the signs, but I didn’t think it would get this deep. I just thought, oh, he’s quiet.

1. Life is really about the choices we make after we have made mistakes.

2. Something tells me that you may be right, too. 🥱🥱

3. Trust is earned and not doled out. If a person is not busy earning your trust, it means that person does not care for it, and you are not obligated in any way to give it.

4. Eeeeekkkkkkk... what did I just read! This is 2025, this sheeet is nowhere near real. Even medical texts give you a vague idea of how sex should be done. 😫😫😫😫😫

5. No, you are not the brains! You are merely the lone breadwinner and the burden bearer in your marriage — a single married one. By the way, this is a choice you made and can unmake for yourself when you are done playing house.

Simply tell the world the truth, that you have found another man with whom you are enjoying things together and now looking for excuses to divorce your husband.

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

........
I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

As a marriage counselor and a Christian, I will tell you that your problem is minor so, please wipe your eyes.

Yes, a number of things were wrong before you got married like you did not truly know him because you didn't discuss those areas of your lives.

The Solution
1. Stop feeling miserable!
Why? Your husband is not supposed to be the source of your joy, inspiration and future in your Marriage. You are entirely responsible for that!

2. Stop looking at his weaknesses and failures!
Why?!It is too late to change him now. This is who he is by nature. You cannot change him!

3. Stop comparing him with your dreams !
Why? He is different from what you hoped, accept him for what he is!

4. Begin to create the atmosphere you desire in your home by yourself. Don't expect him to do it. He is seriously PHLEGMATIC, nothing will move unless you move it! He will join you when you initiate prayers or call him up for church or Bible studies. Don't expect him to lead... you'd be wasting your time and you'll get frustrated.

5. Acceptance and Independence is your key: Of the situation knowing that it is a long sprint. You may be the one to run the household. You will be the one to get your land and house. You may be the one to go to your children's school. You may be the one to run the Family.

6. Pray for strength to Love him in spite of these obvious weaknesses and ask God help you carry your cross.

7. Don't expect Romance from a Phlegmatic like him. You will just hurt yourself if you do!

Note:
Be joyful in the fact that
1. He may never cheat on you
2. He may provide financially to the best of his ability
3. He would probably never lift his hands or mouth at you.


People like him need a strong Wife.
Every marriage is different!
Every marriage have their own problem.




If you have any questions, please feel free!

TenQ:
➜As a marriage counselor and a Christian, I will tell you that your problem is minor so, please wipe your eyes.
Yes, a number of things were wrong before you got married like you did not truly know him because you didn't discuss those areas of your lives.
The Solution
1. Stop feeling miserable!
Why? Your husband is not supposed to be the source of your joy, inspiration and future in your Marriage. You are entirely responsible for that!
2. Stop looking at his weaknesses and failures!
Why?!It is too late to change him now. This is who he is by nature. You cannot change him!
3. Stop comparing him with your dreams !
Why? He is different from what you hoped, accept him for what he is!
4. Begin to create the atmosphere you desire in your home by yourself. Don't expect him to do it. He is seriously PHLEGMATIC, nothing will move unless you move it! He will join you when you initiate prayers or call him up for church or Bible studies. Don't expect him to lead... you'd be wasting your time and you'll get frustrated.
5. Acceptance and Independence is your key: Of the situation knowing that it is a long sprint. You may be the one to run the household. You will be the one to get your land and house. You may be the one to go to your children's school. You may be the one to run the Family.
6. Pray for strength to Love him in spite of these obvious weaknesses and ask God help you carry your cross.
7. Don't expect Romance from a Phlegmatic like him. You will just hurt yourself if you do!
Note:
Be joyful in the fact that
1. He may never cheat on you
2. He may provide financially to the best of his ability
3. He would probably never lift his hands or mouth at you.
People like him need a strong Wife.
Every marriage is different!
Every marriage have their own problem. If you have any questions, please feel free!

Religion is a biatch! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

The long and short of this is that OP is already a married single woman — honorary Mrs badge wearer with absolutely nothing to show for the fact that she claims to be married.

So, basically, the advice from the religious counselor is that OP now enter endurance-for-life mode in marriage and live herself as millions of our mothers and grandmothers lived—10s of 1000s of them filling up church buildings after church building all through out that country called Nigeria—, tragic lives with nothing of meaning to show for all of their struggle and suffering in the name of marriage. This one na official: "Welcome to hell in marriage!" message. Kai!

breadtoaster:
Thank you so much, everyone. I've read a lot, and I've learned a lot, to be honest, from this. My plan was never, per se, that I'm looking for a divorce, no. I do know that we all operate at the level of the knowledge we have, and if he knew better, same way, of course, if I knew better with regards to how to manage some things, then maybe those things wouldn't even be issues, right? So it shows that there's a knowledge lacking on my part and on his part, and sometimes when there's familiarity between two people, it's hard to see or hear what they say. And that's why, when you hear things externally, you can see perspective better, and I understand when, like, I've read through some people saying it's his nature — even though that pertinence part is really crappy — but that's by the way.

I just know that if my mental health wasn't getting affected, there wouldn't be an issue. Like, for me, whether it's his nature to be laid back or not, bills have to be paid, and the bills don't know that it's his nature. The bills don't know that we need to look for something else doing while he waits. Yes, he works, I'm not even going to deny that, but of course, he's working remotely from Nigeria. The work he was doing for a while, I think they gave him to be able to do it till December. So he's working, but that's like, say, NGN 500,000 a month which in dollars is little. So how does that pay a house rent of NGN 1,400,000 every month? Ideally, I would expect that common sense would come together — okay, how can we work at getting something to do together? Considering that I know single people who do three jobs, who do two jobs, who do this, but it's like, I'm alone to even brainstorm common ideas, he has not one to offer, maybe doesn't want to task his brain. He wouldn’t even ask, “Oh, how was rent this month? Have we paid? what's our finances like this month?

It kind of makes me remember how we were dating, because apparently, he didn’t used to even say anything then. When I travelled, during the 11-12 months while we were dating long distance, I think it was during that period I was like, “Ah, guy, even if it’s only 10,000 naira that you’re sending, just show your love or commitment na. Do I need to ask?” So going back, it makes me feel like I’ve asked for everything, and it can be very confusing. I know some of you here are quiet and all, but it’s really confusing from a woman’s point of view — is this really his nature or is it just lack of love or care or concern for the person you claim you’re dating? He mentioned today that he thought the money would be too small even if he gave me anything that's why he never sent anything.

So it’s really hard for me. These bills don’t know it, and it has to be the person with the eyes who is seeing it that does something, right? Clearly, I’m the one more in tune with it at the moment. Being with someone who won’t even ask, “Hope we paid this month’s rent?” or “Have we paid?” — you know, just care or concern, genuine, like, about it — but you are just there, you sleep, you wake up, even unbothered when the only job we are both using to eat was ending, no support to apply while I read for exams and all, And he told me he had no other plan because I asked what would have happened if that job wasn't renewed. He said he was praying for me that they would renew it. And you happen to be the head of the home as a man. Ah, it’s killing, it’s killing for me. As a woman, I’m not even going to lie. Maybe because things are tough and combining school and everything at once, and a whole lot, I’m burnt out. That’s the problem — highly burnt out. I’m tired, I wake up, I cry every day. Resentment is building.

And that’s why, like, I had to come out. And in all of this, it’s painful that he has energy, but those energies are for being petty. Like, oh, you can’t go for your work party, and then he’ll be passive-aggressive about it. Then he’ll say, “It’s the way you said it that made me angry.” Or, “You can’t talk to this person or that person; I should be enough.” You should be enough, but even the things we should do together, you can’t out your mind to work. Wont I reach out to people around for ideas, or ways to move forward. Even to put in one single application a week is a big deal for you because you are working back home— the same work that cannot obviously meet our needs.

I am doing full time work, full time school with 4 course work (assignments, group work etc), still comeback to cook because he wont cook and wait for me, I have done four job certification exams and read for it all in this process to get a better job, still come back to trade which is where am able to get small $50 or $100, we use to offset some other things, so we can be comfortable. He would say he would learn all this things, its jst a process and taking no step at learning even one extra thing at the moment.

We can even sell stuff from a charity store near us, post on facebook market place and all that, just extra income to meet one or two needs. I have mentioned, but he would rahter die or wait for hen he finally blows. so should we die before then?

Like, how do you not stand up to the responsibility of home in what ever capacity you can at the moment? How do you not see the reality of things and contribute in what ever way you can at the moment? How do you not see that we’re drowning, and you’re supposed to lead, yet you sleep and wake up and always tell me you feel I have it covered?. He says I dont see that he walks me to the train station in the morning when going to work. And to me it makes me so sad because I wonder how the barest minimum is a sign of the greatest love. Is it that he just doesn't know how to show love to a woman? I dont even understand. I am seriously confused most times

I also tried to do my driving test because, at a point, I didn’t even mind doing deliveries or something on weekends so we could survive better. I planned the route I knew best for the driving test. I had a friend who has a car which i begged to help , even if it was to practice two or three days before the test and use the car for the test because we dont have the money to do practise and do test together it would cost around (NGN 600,000 at least). He agreed, and I told my husband. He said no problem, that we should just ensure to pay the person something even if it is NGN 200,000. I had introduced him to this person when he came.

Then the day of the test came. I told him that morning, “Let’s go together,” because I knew who I was dealing with. But he said he couldn’t go because I told him too late just that morning to join and, that he already had plans. Okay. I went alone. When I came back, he didn’t even ask, “How did it go?” Nothing. Just sulking, keeping to himself. So I was like, is it that you don’t want me to take the test and help our lives? Or is the issue that I practiced with the guy yuo approved and I told you to join us and you refused? You’re the one who said I should proceed and pay him, so why are you sulking? Why are you giving bad energy because I went for my test?

The body language and all made me cancel the next practice and I never did the test just to keep the peace of the home. I realized there are things I wont now achieve because he is insecure, places I would never be because he is scared of who I would meet there. And it’s not like, at the back end, he’s my surest nigga, ride or die, he wont think of anything, just to sleep right after, he has refuse to make one single friend here in 8 months, he stayed away from people I even introduced him that they can mingle with and you know expose him things around since they have been here longer. so It’s not like, at the back end, he WOULD BE ENOUGH OR DO ENOUGH. It’s not like I hear often how much he loves me. I can’t count if he has he’s told me he loves me in the last four months. Even the wedding day na face we squeeze take marry.

When you don’t feel supported, you don’t feel loved, you just feel like you’re on your own. So when people say, “If you’re divorced, you’ll feel alone,” I ask, what’s the difference? Even as I am, I feel so fucking alone. Everything is dead, and he doesn’t mind. He’s just fine.

We go out somewhere — how do you even go to a lounge and sleep all through? Then I have to dance by myself. Obviously, I’m married; I can’t dance with anyone else, right? He won’t even like that — he’ll get angry. In fact, he’s just there to monitor me there, not to actually have fun with me. So yesit means he has energy, yes, but it’s all for being petty and the wrong reasons. not the rigt ones

How does that help the situation? How does that take us forward? That’s why sometimes I feel like I should quit my job and see what he’ll do. I feel like he’ll chicken out and say he’s going back to Nigeria or something. So is that what true leadership is?

Does it mean that because I said yes to this relationship, I have to live this way? No. I thought you were a spiritual brother — that we’d do well in prayers and everything. But you can’t even pray with me because, according to you, I don’t wake up very early enough. I would say but haba, cant we can pray at other times, like in the evening after work, after all we find time to eat then, but he wont, he would be busy praying alone. So is that enrgy towards building? So is it a case of wanting to be right over wanting to build. Even in the spirituality, I did not get the benefit. I don’t get it. Maybe he’s used to doing things alone, and that’s why he finds it hard to even pray with me.


Sometimes i feel once his paper is out, he would find an excuse and leave.... if he doesnt trust me and tells me he only trusts me 60%, why should I trust hm too


And even sex — like I said before — It was twice i two months, the first sex and one after d next month, then the need to sleep with me with condm, which was when I called the brother and his brother gave him some tips on what he should do or could do better, only then, it seemed like there was a little more energy in him wanting to research and improve things. As it is we dont even know how to allign the prick to enter from the back talkless of changing style. I dont even feel anything during penetrative sex, maybe its common to women though, I dont know. Even for himto reesearch how to enter from that back, If i havent found video and put in his front, its not intuitvie for him to try and research. Usually, a woman would say, “At least he knows how to Bleep even if he no send me in ay area,” you get? But there is nothing for me to hold onto, and it is very painful for me.


But now, it’s been like another three weeks since we last had sex, and I feel it’s having an impact again. The environment is tense. And if I’m not the one to notice that maybe it’s because we haven’t had sex that things are this way, he’ll never realize it. He just won’t.

So I don’t know. How do people handle relationships where you have to be the brain as a woman and still be respectful, still hold things together? I know people have done it, but it feels hard. Really hard. And I didn’t bargain for this. Maybe I saw the signs, but I didn’t think it would get this deep. I just thought, oh, he’s quiet.

Talk to him about your feelings more, even if he feels like you're nagging. Keep talking.
Don't keep anything bottled up inside, lest you go crazy. Nag! If you have to.
Get him to communicate more.
Before he drives someone's daughter over the edge with his non-communicative, non-expressive, petty self.

Even me gan, I got stressed reading this, that I couldn't till the end.
How much more you that have everything bottled up inside.😩💆🏽‍♀️

What was that thing that actually prompt you to marry him!

What was the click moment that made you decide to commit to him?

You should realize that you married the wrong way and for wrong reasons!

Is he lazy?

Kobojunkie:
Religion is a biatch! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

The long and short of this is that OP is already a married single woman — honorary Mrs badge wearer with absolutely nothing to show for the fact that she claims to be married.

So, basically, the advice from the religious counselor is that OP now enter endurance-for-life mode in marriage and live herself as millions of our mothers and grandmothers lived—10s of 1000s of them filling up church buildings after church building all through out that country called Nigeria—, tragic lives with nothing of meaning to show for all of their struggle and suffering in the name of marriage. This one na official: "Welcome to hell in marriage!" message. Kai!

?

Apologies please!

We’ve been looking into counseling. We met one counsellor — a white man — and honestly, I didn’t mind. I really wanted to understand how a man thinks, to see if maybe I was the one not getting something. I even specifically asked for a male counselor.

So, we started the session, and part of what came up was this incident with a friend — someone I had introduced to my husband before that I feel this person knows road in this country ooo. we were even considering him to do best man for the wedding since my spouse dont know anybody here and had my spouse had even asked him already and they had discussed so that one was already feeling free . He had come to do a delivery nearby and asked if we were home, and I said yes. I honestly forgot to mention it to my husband because it was within 3 minutes that one showed, and I didn’t even know the guy was that close by and I needed to mention in three minutes.

The guy showed up, and my husband immediately said, “She didn’t tell me you were coming. If I don’t welcome you, how would you feel? So what are you here to discuss? the wedding right? or what? ” I almost died of embarrassment. That guy left awkwardly, and I felt like the ground should open and swallow me.

Yes, I know I was wrong for not mentioning it earlier but timing was short, but still — I couldn’t help but react. I told my husband, “Haba, this person just came to say hi. He’s someone you know and has asked to be your groom man and this is how you treat him?”

This same person was the sole person who encouraged me to go ahead with my relationship, to get my fiancé to come so we could get married, start a family, and grow together OR worse case go back home do court wedding and file for him to come if we are experiencing processing his coming without being married. He found contact for a court person in Nigeria incase I would need to go to Nigeria to do court wedding first, He even assisted in helping me look for the room and toilet me and hubby would stay when my husband arrived, because he knew surviving abroad alone as a woman isn’t easy. He told me to push my parents when they were taking too long to decide, because he genuinely wanted to see me happy and settled.

If I had useless people around me, would someone like that have done all that? Would he have encouraged me to start my family and supported me like that? Sometimes women can be friends with men, e.g. friendship like Eniola and Priscilla Ojo’s own that they have all over the internet. Being an engineer, I’ve always worked mostly around men — just two ladies to twenty men in my office and even back in school, the whole class were guys— I deal so easily with men, i have spoken to men all my life, in school, at my work in Nigeria for years, and just easier friendships for me. the female friend i had introduced her younger sister to my then boyfriend to try and steal him, the one we had in school said i was always mentioning that she went to stay in her own boyfriend's house anytime she tried to judge any Christian sister she heard do same. so i use to remind her then that Haba. I apologized but she never forgave me, women have been stabbers in my life, I dont have one Sef that I can confidently say is a friend, though I am beginning to try to make female friends after I married for peace and all.

So the counsellor guy said did it make sense to tell that to a total stranger? was being right better over what is good and healthy for the stranger and then for the union and all that............ the guy said we practise communicating with each other for few weeks and we are improved we would continue our sessions.

My guy is not even talking about going back now o. he said there is one Nigeria lady he thinks is very good, that we should use her. because that guy's line didnt o really well. said the guy wont understand our culture.

I am open and we would be meeting her, we would have to pay another NGN 600,000 charged to my credit card again because we simply cant figure ourselves out by ourselves.

Marriage is always the sum of its parts. You have really complained about your husband. It's clear you resent him. You are not just worried or have these complaints about him. You resent him. I also feel there's someone or something you are comparing him to or wishing he would become, most probably a male figure. He has no chance with you and the most important thing about marriage for any man is acceptance. He doesn't have that with you, so I ask you, why did you marry him? If you wouldn't accept him, why commit to him? Yes he has all these great flaws you mentioned but he doesn't have the most important thing he needs from you. If you keep wishing he was someone else in your heart, what chance does he have?

TenQ:
As a marriage counselor and a Christian, I will tell you that your problem is minor so, please wipe your eyes.

Yes, a number of things were wrong before you got married like you did not truly know him because you didn't discuss those areas of your lives.

The Solution
1. Stop feeling miserable!
Why? Your husband is not supposed to be the source of your joy, inspiration and future in your Marriage. You are entirely responsible for that!

2. Stop looking at his weaknesses and failures!
Why?!It is too late to change him now. This is who he is by nature. You cannot change him!

3. Stop comparing him with your dreams !
Why? He is different from what you hoped, accept him for what he is!

4. Begin to create the atmosphere you desire in your home by yourself. Don't expect him to do it. He is seriously PHLEGMATIC, nothing will move unless you move it! He will join you when you initiate prayers or call him up for church or Bible studies. Don't expect him to lead... you'd be wasting your time and you'll get frustrated.

5. Acceptance and Independence is your key: Of the situation knowing that it is a long sprint. You may be the one to run the household. You will be the one to get your land and house. You may be the one to go to your children's school. You may be the one to run the Family.

6. Pray for strength to Love him in spite of these obvious weaknesses and ask God help you carry your cross.

7. Don't expect Romance from a Phlegmatic like him. You will just hurt yourself if you do!

Note:
Be joyful in the fact that
1. He may never cheat on you
2. He may provide financially to the best of his ability
3. He would probably never lift his hands or mouth at you.


People like him need a strong Wife.
Every marriage is different!
Every marriage have their own problem.




If you have any questions, please feel free!

This is so deep! thank you so much. I wld print his and put in my bag everywhere, I also need to get books on dealing with a 150% phlegmatic man. I just dont know pls, I need help, after all this, how does a woman stay respectful, submissive in all this, because I feel like at the end i wont be able to especially after doing it all and still have to feed your ego as a man. How do i not build resentment 5 years down the line and be so angry, rude etc that i still dont use that same resentment to destroy the home?

breadtoaster:
Thank you so much, everyone. I've read a lot, and I've learned a lot, to be honest, from this. My plan was never, per se, that I'm looking for a divorce, no. I do know that we all operate at the level of the knowledge we have, and if he knew better, same way, of course, if I knew better with regards to how to manage some things, then maybe those things wouldn't even be issues, right? So it shows that there's a knowledge lacking on my part and on his part, and sometimes when there's familiarity between two people, it's hard to see or hear what they say. And that's why, when you hear things externally, you can see perspective better, and I understand when, like, I've read through some people saying it's his nature — even though that pertinence part is really crappy — but that's by the way.

I just know that if my mental health wasn't getting affected, there wouldn't be an issue. Like, for me, whether it's his nature to be laid back or not, bills have to be paid, and the bills don't know that it's his nature. The bills don't know that we need to look for something else doing while he waits. Yes, he works, I'm not even going to deny that, but of course, he's working remotely from Nigeria. The work he was doing for a while, I think they gave him to be able to do it till December. So he's working, but that's like, say, NGN 500,000 a month which in dollars is little. So how does that pay a house rent of NGN 1,400,000 every month? Ideally, I would expect that common sense would come together — okay, how can we work at getting something to do together? Considering that I know single people who do three jobs, who do two jobs, who do this, but it's like, I'm alone to even brainstorm common ideas, he has not one to offer, maybe doesn't want to task his brain. He wouldn’t even ask, “Oh, how was rent this month? Have we paid? what's our finances like this month?

It kind of makes me remember how we were dating, because apparently, he didn’t used to even say anything then. When I travelled, during the 11-12 months while we were dating long distance, I think it was during that period I was like, “Ah, guy, even if it’s only 10,000 naira that you’re sending, just show your love or commitment na. Do I need to ask?” So going back, it makes me feel like I’ve asked for everything, and it can be very confusing. I know some of you here are quiet and all, but it’s really confusing from a woman’s point of view — is this really his nature or is it just lack of love or care or concern for the person you claim you’re dating? He mentioned today that he thought the money would be too small even if he gave me anything that's why he never sent anything.

So it’s really hard for me. These bills don’t know it, and it has to be the person with the eyes who is seeing it that does something, right? Clearly, I’m the one more in tune with it at the moment. Being with someone who won’t even ask, “Hope we paid this month’s rent?” or “Have we paid?” — you know, just care or concern, genuine, like, about it — but you are just there, you sleep, you wake up, even unbothered when the only job we are both using to eat was ending, no support to apply while I read for exams and all, And he told me he had no other plan because I asked what would have happened if that job wasn't renewed. He said he was praying for me that they would renew it. And you happen to be the head of the home as a man. Ah, it’s killing, it’s killing for me. As a woman, I’m not even going to lie. Maybe because things are tough and combining school and everything at once, and a whole lot, I’m burnt out. That’s the problem — highly burnt out. I’m tired, I wake up, I cry every day. Resentment is building.

And that’s why, like, I had to come out. And in all of this, it’s painful that he has energy, but those energies are for being petty. Like, oh, you can’t go for your work party, and then he’ll be passive-aggressive about it. Then he’ll say, “It’s the way you said it that made me angry.” Or, “You can’t talk to this person or that person; I should be enough.” You should be enough, but even the things we should do together, you can’t out your mind to work. Wont I reach out to people around for ideas, or ways to move forward. Even to put in one single application a week is a big deal for you because you are working back home— the same work that cannot obviously meet our needs.

I am doing full time work, full time school with 4 course work (assignments, group work etc), still comeback to cook because he wont cook and wait for me, I have done four job certification exams and read for it all in this process to get a better job, still come back to trade which is where am able to get small $50 or $100, we use to offset some other things, so we can be comfortable. He would say he would learn all this things, its jst a process and taking no step at learning even one extra thing at the moment.

We can even sell stuff from a charity store near us, post on facebook market place and all that, just extra income to meet one or two needs. I have mentioned, but he would rahter die or wait for hen he finally blows. so should we die before then?

Like, how do you not stand up to the responsibility of home in what ever capacity you can at the moment? How do you not see the reality of things and contribute in what ever way you can at the moment? How do you not see that we’re drowning, and you’re supposed to lead, yet you sleep and wake up and always tell me you feel I have it covered?. He says I dont see that he walks me to the train station in the morning when going to work. And to me it makes me so sad because I wonder how the barest minimum is a sign of the greatest love. Is it that he just doesn't know how to show love to a woman? I dont even understand. I am seriously confused most times

I also tried to do my driving test because, at a point, I didn’t even mind doing deliveries or something on weekends so we could survive better. I planned the route I knew best for the driving test. I had a friend who has a car which i begged to help , even if it was to practice two or three days before the test and use the car for the test because we dont have the money to do practise and do test together it would cost around (NGN 600,000 at least). He agreed, and I told my husband. He said no problem, that we should just ensure to pay the person something even if it is NGN 200,000. I had introduced him to this person when he came.

Then the day of the test came. I told him that morning, “Let’s go together,” because I knew who I was dealing with. But he said he couldn’t go because I told him too late just that morning to join and, that he already had plans. Okay. I went alone. When I came back, he didn’t even ask, “How did it go?” Nothing. Just sulking, keeping to himself. So I was like, is it that you don’t want me to take the test and help our lives? Or is the issue that I practiced with the guy yuo approved and I told you to join us and you refused? You’re the one who said I should proceed and pay him, so why are you sulking? Why are you giving bad energy because I went for my test?

The body language and all made me cancel the next practice and I never did the test just to keep the peace of the home. I realized there are things I wont now achieve because he is insecure, places I would never be because he is scared of who I would meet there. And it’s not like, at the back end, he’s my surest nigga, ride or die, he wont think of anything, just to sleep right after, he has refuse to make one single friend here in 8 months, he stayed away from people I even introduced him that they can mingle with and you know expose him things around since they have been here longer. so It’s not like, at the back end, he WOULD BE ENOUGH OR DO ENOUGH. It’s not like I hear often how much he loves me. I can’t count if he has he’s told me he loves me in the last four months. Even the wedding day na face we squeeze take marry.

When you don’t feel supported, you don’t feel loved, you just feel like you’re on your own. So when people say, “If you’re divorced, you’ll feel alone,” I ask, what’s the difference? Even as I am, I feel so fucking alone. Everything is dead, and he doesn’t mind. He’s just fine.

We go out somewhere — how do you even go to a lounge and sleep all through? Then I have to dance by myself. Obviously, I’m married; I can’t dance with anyone else, right? He won’t even like that — he’ll get angry. In fact, he’s just there to monitor me there, not to actually have fun with me. So yesit means he has energy, yes, but it’s all for being petty and the wrong reasons. not the rigt ones

How does that help the situation? How does that take us forward? That’s why sometimes I feel like I should quit my job and see what he’ll do. I feel like he’ll chicken out and say he’s going back to Nigeria or something. So is that what true leadership is?

Does it mean that because I said yes to this relationship, I have to live this way? No. I thought you were a spiritual brother — that we’d do well in prayers and everything. But you can’t even pray with me because, according to you, I don’t wake up very early enough. I would say but haba, cant we can pray at other times, like in the evening after work, after all we find time to eat then, but he wont, he would be busy praying alone. So is that enrgy towards building? So is it a case of wanting to be right over wanting to build. Even in the spirituality, I did not get the benefit. I don’t get it. Maybe he’s used to doing things alone, and that’s why he finds it hard to even pray with me.


Sometimes i feel once his paper is out, he would find an excuse and leave.... if he doesnt trust me and tells me he only trusts me 60%, why should I trust hm too


And even sex — like I said before — It was twice i two months, the first sex and one after d next month, then the need to sleep with me with condm, which was when I called the brother and his brother gave him some tips on what he should do or could do better, only then, it seemed like there was a little more energy in him wanting to research and improve things. As it is we dont even know how to allign the prick to enter from the back talkless of changing style. I dont even feel anything during penetrative sex, maybe its common to women though, I dont know. Even for himto reesearch how to enter from that back, If i havent found video and put in his front, its not intuitvie for him to try and research. Usually, a woman would say, “At least he knows how to Bleep even if he no send me in ay area,” you get? But there is nothing for me to hold onto, and it is very painful for me.


But now, it’s been like another three weeks since we last had sex, and I feel it’s having an impact again. The environment is tense. And if I’m not the one to notice that maybe it’s because we haven’t had sex that things are this way, he’ll never realize it. He just won’t.

So I don’t know. How do people handle relationships where you have to be the brain as a woman and still be respectful, still hold things together? I know people have done it, but it feels hard. Really hard. And I didn’t bargain for this. Maybe I saw the signs, but I didn’t think it would get this deep. I just thought, oh, he’s quiet.

i can totally relate to your concern even though i am male and married. I believe i pictured it perfectly. i see and i hear your frustration. If, It can be difficult for a man with a laid back wife, it is 5 times difficult for a woman with a laid back husband. I will in due time think of practical ways to improve the situation and send it here. Considering you both are outside Nigeria, the strategies must be practical and tailored for the environment.

You married a wet blank.
From experience, no level of counselling can change him.
You are entirely on your own.
Live your life the way you are programmed. Chase your dreams. Be happy. Socialize. If those don't ALIGN with him, let him do the needful.
Nne, let man dim your stars in the name of marriage

Your husband posses 70% of my character I don't just jealous but trust me the fact that your husband is jealous and don't want those people around you will give room for faster growth and better understanding in your home because it will create room for amendment and necessary corrections between you guys.

If you find someone you feel more comfortable when you're with, your home is fading off, sooner or later you will get emotionally attracted and that is a big fall out.

My wife reprogrammed me, she is a very playful person in fact she can carry me up while playing or her and the kids can just start wrestling with me just to set me up for play. Now I'm blending with her. We gist most of the times now unlike when we first got married then it was always me and my phone and laptop.

There's one assurance I can give you, you're married to one of the best and faithful husband out there because we don't womanize, can take care of the house and kids than you the wife.

Keep you head up, work together as a team, go to him for advice and contributions for your goals by so doing he will work on himself too in those areas to meet your demands.

Please, don't find someone out there to do things he can't do, this will cause a bridge in your relationship. God bless

ejieddy:
Marriage is always the sum of its parts. You have really complained about your husband. It's clear you resent him. You are not just worried or have these complaints about him. You resent him. I also feel there's someone or something you are comparing him to or wishing he would become, most probably a male figure. He has no chance with you and the most important thing about marriage for any man is acceptance. He doesn't have that with you, so I ask you, why did you marry him? If you wouldn't accept him, why commit to him? Yes he has all these great flaws you mentioned but he doesn't have the most important thing he needs from you. If you keep wishing he was someone else in your heart, what chance does he have?

hmmmmmm..........deeeeeeeeep! I agree acceptance. and you have pointed one thing that would end my issues honestly. and i think i did accept him back because i felt he would be faithful, he is a Christian and no much pressures back in nigeria

I would hold this because it is worddddd and you are so damn true. I know the truth when you tell me and I dont deny it

But over here, its like, if i just accept him, would it pay our debts? feed us? make me feel like a woman that needs love? protect me when some evil devils who pretend they know how to love start lurking around in the near future and I am sex starved for weeks?

Would this acceptance pay for all this?

which way forward

kbright2:
➜Your husband posses 70% of my character I don't just jealous but trust me the fact that your husband is jealous and don't want those people around you will give room for faster growth and better understanding in your home because it will create room for amendment and necessary corrections between you guys.
If you find someone you feel more comfortable when you're with, your home is fading off, sooner or later you will get emotionally attracted and that is a big fall out.
My wife reprogrammed me, she is a very playful person in fact she can carry me up while playing or her and the kids can just start wrestling with me just to set me up for play. Now I'm blending with her. We gist most of the times now unlike when we first got married then it was always me and my phone and laptop.
There's one assurance I can give you, you're married to one of the best and faithful husband out there because we don't womanize, can take care of the house and kids than you the wife.
Keep you head up, work together as a team, go to him for advice and contributions for your goals by so doing he will work on himself too in those areas to meet your demands. Please, don't find someone out there to do things he can't do, this will cause a bridge in your relationship. God bless

So, OP, is supposed to make her husband a project, basically, a man to be reprogrammed and changed by her? HIs mama and papa no fit change am, but you feel OP deserves to make him her life project, abi? She should become a Barbara-the-builder woman?

Many of una just no like women at all — una no rate women at all at all. Do you know how much work goes into raising and training children at all? You now want a woman to put in that much energy and time into raising/retraining a grown-arsed man who is not her son but her husband? 😩😩😩

I wager he's gamophobia. Anyone who tells you that you can have your sanity intact while being married to a gamophobic man, or woman, has lied to you. He ought not to have attempted marriage though, regardless of the lure of enticement or source of the pressure that made him to. Do the needful.

kbright2:
Your husband posses 70% of my character I don't just jealous but trust me the fact that your husband is jealous and don't want those people around you will give room for faster growth and better understanding in your home because it will create room for amendment and necessary corrections between you guys.

If you find someone you feel more comfortable when you're with, your home is fading off, sooner or later you will get emotionally attracted and that is a big fall out.

My wife reprogrammed me, she is a very playful person in fact she can carry me up while playing or her and the kids can just start wrestling with me just to set me up for play. Now I'm blending with her. We gist most of the times now unlike when we first got married then it was always me and my phone and laptop.

There's one assurance I can give you, you're married to one of the best and faithful husband out there because we don't womanize, can take care of the house and kids than you the wife.

Keep you head up, work together as a team, go to him for advice and contributions for your goals by so doing he will work on himself too in those areas to meet your demands.

Please, don't find someone out there to do things he can't do, this will cause a bridge in your relationship. God bless

i agree @ not womanize and all that. I am not lying but sometimes it gets so dull, so dull, not womanizing wont pay for food or rent and it begins to look like is it not better to have a responsible man that would cater for the family and house and weight and sleep around (with protection) since sex is an activity for men.

and i would print this out too for sure, but am just saying sometimes my head cant help but think what I asked above

breadtoaster:
This is so deep! thank you so much. I wld print his and put in my bag everywhere, I also need to get books on dealing with a 150% phlegmatic man

On the matter of sex,
You have two options
1. Initiate the sex anytime you want it and take charge of everything. Use him to pleasure yourself.

If he resists this,
2. then you must initiate a serious conversation where you set a minimum number of times per week. Even then, you have to use him to pleasure yourself.

Phlegmatics are usually unmotivated by anything other than basics. Like I said: if you don't take charge, nothing will move

So, in bedmatics, you have to guide and coach him to do what you want from sex

If he is truly weak in bed, then you should jack him up with appropriate varieties natural foods smoothie with
Water melon
Bitter Kola
Ginger
Dates
Unripe Plantain
Black Pepper
Alligator Pepper
Scent leaves
Garlic
And begin low sugar diets.


NOTE:
You cannot change him.
But he can change slowly with time!

You will frustrate yourself if you try to force him to change!

It's unfortunate you are having this weird feelings, you need try look out for things he likes to do. Engage him in games like ludo, Scrabble, whaat cards etc. Try watch movies together, try to make him your gist partner. Sometimes, get novels read some chapters let him read some others. You engage him to explain those he read, while you also do the same. You may begin to notice what he likes and Vis versa. May God bless your marriage

breadtoaster:
Please, those of you who are married — how do you cope?

I am married to someone I don’t think is my friend. We dated before marriage, but during that time, I had a very senior friend whom I always went to for advice, help with decisions, and assistance with things that required initiative or “manly” effort.

My husband, on the other hand, is very quiet. Living with him feels like living in a graveyard — no TV, no outings, nothing lively. It’s not that he isn’t intelligent (trust me, he is), but he’s too lazy to put his mind to work sometimes. By 9 p.m., he’s already asleep. He eats, goes to work, and that’s all. He has no drive for more. Whenever I talk about progress or goals, he says, “It’s a process; it’ll take years to come to fruition,” but he never thinks of ways to get things done efficiently or on time.

So in terms of ambition or drive for achievement, I’m suffering living with him. I feel alone. I’m scared that his lack of motivation and his slow, passive lifestyle will kill my own drive. I’m not even extremely driven myself, but I know I want to achieve greatness. That desire pushes me, but I’m afraid that living with him will make me too relaxed and unmotivated — and I don’t want that.

Before marriage, I had friends — both male and female — with whom I shared advice and ideas. I’ve always had male friends because they tend to be driven. From them, I learned about crypto, stocks, business ideas — they inspired me. But my husband doesn’t trust them or me around them. Since we got married, I can’t talk to most of these friends at home unless I’m at work. It’s affecting me mentally. I’m scared that my circle for growth and greatness is being trimmed down, and soon I might start behaving like him — with no ambition or hunger for achievement.

Women, how do you handle such relationship dynamics?
How do I keep my drive while being married to such a man?

Every Friday night, he’s already asleep. One time, I dragged him to a lounge on a Friday night, and he was dozing off there. I ended up dancing alone while other couples danced together. If there’s something important we’re supposed to do, he won’t take initiative or push for it.

For example, I suggested we start going to church regularly to build our spiritual life. One Sunday, he woke up first and went to bathe. When he finished, he didn’t wake me up, and by the time I opened my eyes, it was already late. When I asked why he didn’t tell me, he said he called me but I didn’t answer. For me, I wouldn’t act that way — especially when it’s something that helps build our faith together.

We also planned to pray as a family. We did it for two days, and then he forgot — and honestly, I’m struggling to remember too. I don’t know if our marriage is under spiritual attack or if it’s just his personality, but my mental health is suffering. I’m not happy. I don’t genuinely smile anymore.

He doesn’t know how to pamper me or show warmth. If I complain about something, he just lashes out. He didn’t date much before marriage; he was one of those “spiritual brothers.” I was spiritual too, but I thought quiet men were more romantic or deep inside. I was wrong. I feel like he’s choking the life out of me.

At home, I can’t even make calls freely — he gets unknowingly aggressive if I’m on the phone and says things like, “Don’t you have things to do?” So I can’t talk to the people I’d love to.

After our marriage, he had issues going to my family, claiming I blackmailed him because of earlier arguments. He would get upset about small things, like me dancing to Afrobeat music. He’d say I shouldn’t, then later deny he said it. Or if we go out to eat, he’ll say we should leave early or that the place will soon close, even when I just want to relax and enjoy being outside.

I feel alone, yet married. I miss home. I’m not sure what to do.

It even took us one month after the wedding to consummate our marriage. We were both virgins, but his manhood wasn’t functioning well, and we had so many arguments that our emotional connection broke down. I felt it literally fall apart. Now I feel like I’m just living with someone.

He often says, “We’re not aligned,” or that he trusts me only 60%. If I go out, he sometimes gets angry or accuses me of lying about where I went. I can’t stay indoors all day like him — I’d just die inside.

I need help. I feel like I’m losing myself. When I visit home, my mother’s voice feels loud or too much, my friends when i talk to them, it feels like they are talking too much — not because they are talking too much, but because I’ve been living in such silence that I’ve lost touch with voice, morelike in a graveyard.

I am even crying as I type this, and he is sitting somewhere on the other side asking me if my head is swelling or what is making me cry.

I’m just… tired. feeling so strongly emotionally starved tooo.

billyG:
Why do most women talk before they think,u come nairaland come talk say yo husband gbola no dey work....na nairaland go make am work?

Ahhhhh
Its working, I didn't say it isn't. I only said we lacked techniques and he is not interested in spicing it up or researching how they do.......didn't I say even my vagina sef is not responding as should be. That i dont feel anything in penetrative sex? I am not here to make him look bad. this is just my realties and looking for way to pass through it while maintain my sanity.
I threw him my pant to sniff, he went to throw large volume of spit / vomit, it killed the mood, I later asked if he doesn't like me or how my pant and the vagina he enters would irritate him so. He told me he always have spit in his mouth...lol...one of those excuse that dont add up, and that I need to know he hasn't sniffed any woman's pant before and all that its only my own and all that talk.
So how do i know if he truly is just not game or doesn't love me hence why my pant would irritate by me. He did mouth action once and was pouring all the spit on me and said I gave him fever blister and he has never tried it again by mistake. So i am d only one without sense to be putting mouth on his prick

You would have married someone that behave like you . I have almost the same attitude has your husband , but I like adventure, I like trying new things, I hate poverty that is why I'm trying to succeed in things I do , I like staying alone because it make me think better , I hate party . So I won't marry someone with different views from me , for my mental health. I think the fault is from you not your husband. Both of you are not compartable , you have to endure him , they said husband is endurance, you will soon become familiar with it.

leksonltd:
It's unfortunate you are having these weird feelings, you need try look out for things he likes to do. Engage him in games like ludo, Scrabble, what cards etc. Try watch movies together, try to make him your gist partner. Sometimes, get novels read some chapters let him read some others. You engage him to explain those he read, while you also do the same. You may begin to notice what he likes and Vis versa. May God bless your marriage

movie? I try alot, did netflix......... he sleeps off 5 minutes into it, I found outing for friday last week, went to a lounge, he slept all through while other couples where dancing. I had to dance alone and was crying and cleaning my eyes. when I mentioned he said he didn't see it like that. he just thought following me there was enough. Games etc, I mentioned, of course, I would need to go to Temu to get it if not its forgotten project. Jist? is it not someone who watch tv, have friends etc that would have what to say or contribute? If I no on tv...story, I helped him follow interesting people on instagram so he can have content to even jist me, I have been begging in to go to the volleyball court downstairs and even play with some white friends and make one friend in 9 months.

Amen...Amen....Amen...Just need wisdom..strength...mental stability to manage things

Obinna67:
You would have married someone that behave like you . I have almost the same attitude has your husband , but I like adventure, I like trying new things, I hate poverty that is why I'm trying to succeed in things I do , I like staying alone because it make me think better , I hate party . So I won't marry someone with different views from me , for my mental health. I think the fault is from you not your husband. Both of you are not compartable , you have to endure him , they said husband is endurance, you will soon become familiar with it.

i sincerely felt this was his own quiet

Samajogs:
That's your own side of the story, we also need to hear from the other partner. I smell lies somewhere. Till then

The story ma is AI written?

TenQ:
➜On the matter of sex,
You have two options
1. Initiate the sex anytime you want it and take charge of everything. Use him to pleasure yourself. If he resists this,
2. then you must initiate a serious conversation where you set a minimum number of times per week. Even then, you have to use him to pleasure yourself.
Phlegmatics are usually unmotivated by anything other than basics. Like I said: if you don't take charge, nothing will move
So, in bedmatics, you have to guide and coach him to do what you want from sex
If he is truly weak in bed, then you should jack him up with appropriate varieties natural foods smoothie with
Water melon
Bitter Kola
Ginger
Dates
Unripe Plantain
Black Pepper
Alligator Pepper
Scent leaves
Garlic
And begin low sugar diets.
NOTE:
You cannot change him.
But he can change slowly with time!
You will frustrate yourself if you try to force him to change!

Religion is a biatch squared! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Just like that, marriage has been redefined. It is no longer a partnership but a full-blown project for the woman/wife. She is to spend her life taking care of the whims and demands of a husband who barely rates or cares for her. His parents failed to raise him with the social and emotional skills necessary for maintaining a healthy relationship with a woman. And so it should then fall on another person's daughter to make sure he obtains that which is missing( that which he failed to acquire for himself before marriage), all this at the cost of her(the wife's) mental and emotional health, by the way.

Like play, she is being literally informed that endurance is the name of the game for her alone.

Kobojunkie:
Marriage is itself an ephemeral contract meant to last for as long as the individuals in the marriage are willing to work towards. (Even the religious reloading indicates that it is till death, not everlasting.) It is dependent on the ephemeral efforts of the individuals who are bound by the contract.

2. Last I checked, even during the days of your ancestors — before the 21st century — the marriage abandonment rate(ala divorce) was just as high as it is today, even if unofficial.

3. I don't buy that reasoning at all! Humans will always be humans, and change is constant to us all.

4. Well, the same prescription for people who find themselves in such marriages during the time of your ancestors exists to this day: divorce. Yes, divorce is as old as marriage itself. 😏

Previous generations, including the religious hordes, for so long gaslighted women into avoiding divorce by heaping shame and humiliation on those who chose that way. (All this while menfolk were hailed as good men for discarding what were considered bad women.) Fortunately, the current generation of women is no longer choosing to live in bondage like their mothers and grandmothers before them.

Why am i agreeing with this lunatic lol