₦airaland Forum

NotOfThisWorld:
Why are people blaming the OP? His wife his having an emotional affair, which IS cheating. Even if she hasn't yet slept with the man, physical affairs often starts from emotional affairs. Married people chatting with the opposite sex should be a no-no, as that's not fair to your spouse.
Her locking her phone all of a sudden is also not right and signifies she could be hiding something. It's a different story if you're single but married? Nah, that's not right. Married people should not lock their phones. I can't imagine my spouse locking his phone and I would have to seek his permission before accessing it.
If she wants to keep chatting with him, then you too find a side chick and be doing what she's doing. Let's see how she would feel. I would give you the same advice if you were a woman. I don't like nonsense.

dierich:
Hmmmm
All I can say is, I appreciate this a lot
For that name that sound immature. Check out when I created it.
But to be honest, I appreciate your response

NotOfThisWorld:
Why are people blaming the OP? His wife his having an emotional affair, which IS cheating. Even if she hasn't yet slept with the man, physical affairs often starts from emotional affairs. Married people chatting with the opposite sex should be a no-no, as that's not fair to your spouse.

Her locking her phone all of a sudden is also not right and signifies she could be hiding something. It's a different story if you're single but married? Nah, that's not right. Married people should not lock their phones. I can't imagine my spouse locking his phone and I would have to seek his permission before accessing it.

If she wants to keep chatting with him, then you too find a side chick and be doing what she's doing. Let's see how she would feel. I would give you the same advice if you were a woman. I don't like nonsense.

Diamond098454:
Why will you send your wife back to her father's house just because you saw Hello Sir Good Afternoon? You suspected them because there closeness threatens you and if time is not taking this man may end up on bed with your wife.
I really understand your fears but hey, your wife is a sweet lady , keep discussing with her let her understand the dangers and how she's hurting you. You can block and delete the man contacts from her phones without her knowledge This is one of the challenges women face

Onegai:
This thing na spiritual matter!

And it is a global issue (read oyinbo social media and see the destruction the devil has caused. Office Affairs are the No.1 Marriage Destroyer. It's because you're seeing the person everyday, they'll be looking like Idris Elba meanwhile they're Akpororo).

Even Pastor Jerry Eze of NSPPD prayed about it last week or so: "there's a man who had a dream about his wife and daughter, now he hates them, he has met another woman and can't stop thinking about her".

The devil has no new tricks but he does have power. However the Lord has given you AUTHORITY over him! Claim that authority and protect your family.

Stand in the gap for your wife and lift her in repentance to Jesus.

Because nothing, nothing in this world will stop anybody from cheating...save themselves making a decision NOT TO CHEAT

So your prodigal wife must find her way back to the Lord and to you.

And one day, her eye will clear, it always does. She can either lose it all or still have something to hold onto.

All the best brother, and I'm sorry for your pain.

dierich:
➜I wonder why people keep blaming me for checking her fone. My wife for that matter

Diamond098454:
Why will you send your wife back to her father's house just because you saw Hello Sir Good Afternoon? You suspected them because there closeness threatens you and if time is not taking this man may end up on bed with your wife.
I really understand your fears but hey, your wife is a sweet lady , keep discussing with her let her understand the dangers and how she's hurting you.

You can block and delete the man contacts from her phones without her knowledge

This is one of the challenges women face

Kobojunkie:
. You are suggesting he further exert more control over the woman's life because she is now cheating on him? How is that love or a healthier behavior than cheating?

immortalcrown:
This is not cogent enough. Calm down. Be patient. Don't strike now.

But let me tell you something. A man can develop feelings for a woman and the feeling will just die off without him asking her out or just because he asked her out and she played hard to get. But a woman that develops feeling for a man will not quench the desire until either she tastes him or death or aging makes the mission impossible.

dierich:
➜I'm sorry to ask, but are you a feminist? Can you be submissive to a man?

Kobojunkie:
I am not a feminist. Neither am I traditional/religious. I am merely a common-sense-er.

Where it pertains to humans, control is a toxic behavior, and suggesting more of that toxicity in marriage is a recipe for further steeping the marriage in toxicity. It never yields benefits for those involved, particularly the children caught in such situations. This, studies have shown.

dierich:
➜So, in conclusion, when I notice something is about to go on between her and her colleagues, I shouldn't have try to find out, not to talk of trying to check her fone to get through the root?

breathless:
Bro, the first five years of marriage is sometimes characterized by lots of trials, temptations and "tribulations" one of which you're dealing with now. There's perhaps more to this than you know and your wife is not telling you about. I'm tempted to say she may be listening to a more "superior" voice for her to be locking her phone and insisting you let her know when you want to access it.
Also, you need to accept the fact that you now live in a foreign land that (may) favour women more and that puts you at risks and disadvantage of losing more.
I suggest you have more intentional conversations with her. You can first start by asking her what she fancies about her colleague, what she thinks is missing in your marriage and what you can do to fill in the gap, id she has thought of the consequences of her action and the effect on your son etc.
On your own part, begin to compliment her looks especially when she's dressed for any outing (including work), consciously occupy her time when she's at home or off work by gisting/gossiping, "netflix and chill", dates, walks/strolls, help out in the kitchen and other chores.
Oh lest I forget, make sure you engage her frequently and have lots of s*x in different parts/corners of your apartment spontaneously with either clothes on, partially on or unclad (with your son out of sight) and show "no mercy".

Kobojunkie:
. You are suggesting he further exert more control over the woman's life because she is now cheating on him? How is that love or a healthier behavior than cheating?

Diamond098454:
the lady is not cheating rather he's suspecting them and he want his wife to stop communicating with the man

dierich:
Lol. Your write up is funny to me
Delete her colleague's number. And that will solve the issue, as if they will never meet again

Kobojunkie:
OP, you said you had been spying on your wife. That is controlling behavior. You also indicated that you made rules for your wife. That is also controlling behavior. That you found out now that she is having this emotional affair with her colleague through your spying DOES NOT remove the fact that you had been having control issues in the marriage for a while before, does it? And then there is the supposed contract you said you intend to foist on her, a contract which reads more like a maid/nanny contract than a contract between people who are interested in healing a love relationship. Seems the marriage needs to take a break.

My first comment to you was made based on the fact that you seemed to have, in the process of your snooping, come to confirm that your wife had started cheating on you with this other man. Given that you already made up your mind to kick her out, I was there with you doing exactly that. Now that I have seen the contract you intend to push on her for staying, I am even more convinced that you two are better off living in separate spaces than under the same roof. Deal with your individual issues separately, maybe consider a marriage counselor eventually, and then consider whether the marriage should go forward after that or not.

Kobojunkie:
. If this is in fact the case, then that means OP's control issues are becoming unhinged! If she is not cheating, then OP's fixation on the wife being able to communicate with someone other than himself is a problem — clearly toxic controlling behavior. And suggesting he dig his heels further to exert more control over here is a terrible idea.🥱🥱🥱

Kobojunkie:
. If this is in fact the case, then that means OP's control issues are becoming unhinged! If she is not cheating, then OP's fixation on the wife being able to communicate with someone other than himself is a problem — clearly toxic controlling behavior. And suggesting he dig his heels further to exert more control over here is a terrible idea.🥱🥱🥱

dierich:
➜Go and read what I wrote again. I suspected her which made me spy on her to get fact

Diamond098454:
okay...... I'm not married so, I don't know how married people do there things Me personally, I normally block some contacts in my phone

dierich:
➜The problem you people have is understand message concept

Kobojunkie:
You do it, not someone else, take your phone to do it— control you.

yinkeys:
WoW first time hearing Aurelius’s wife cheated
And the man didn’t fear for his life
Or maybe it was with a Roman soldier

Diamond098454:
the lady is not cheating rather he's suspecting them and he want his wife to stop communicating with the man

AndroBlaze:
➜I am shocked that the part in bold can come from a female.
➜Men cheat with our bodies, it is always physical, anything more than that has crossed boundary to love country. A man thinking about fornicating with a woman means absolutely nothing and can be switched off as as easy as a tap,even if the desire is eventually fulfilled.
➜ Women cheat with their minds, a woman in love with a man cannot cheat with her mind and thus won't be able to cheat with her body as she cannot imagine anyone else touching her, it is impossible.
➜ Once you lose a woman's mind, you have lost her and need to start from scratch to get her to fall in love with you again if that is even possible.

Kobojunkie:
Your sense is not sense-ing at all. Both men and women are made up of moods, which link back to emotions.

2. Men cheat with their bodies, yet a man can, while even with his wife, be completely turned off because his mind is wrapped around thoughts/fantasies and emotions he has about another woman, whom he has developed a crush on?

3. Huh? This reads like gobbledegook.

4. This applies to both men and women, actually.

Many men hesitate to leave a relationship for many reasons, one of them being that they would rather not lose the benefits— access to emotional labor, mental and physical labor that the woman can still offer them — they still have in their existing relationship before they have secured the next relationship. It is called monkey branching, and studies have shown that this is the major reason why men hold on to relationships even when they no longer have any feelings left for the woman they are with.

Women have this ability to monkey branch, but to a reduced extent than men, as well. But many women feel a relationship simply becomes an unnecessary burden to them to bear once their feelings are no longer there, and it takes a considerable length of time for them to lose that feeling compared to men. That is why many more women would rather just leave the relationship altogether than hang on to it when there are no real benefits to be had in remaining in it.

Both men and women have the capacity to emotionally cheat, and both men and women are capable of monkey branching.

Onegai:
Dierich (even your name is immature )

You need to mature and mature very quickly.

Your marriage has hit the 7 Year Itch. That's the period in any relationship where the love has faded and both of you have forgotten why you liked each other in the first place and suddenly the grass looks very green outside. 7-10 years period.

Now, if we are to believe you, your wife has admitted to an emotional affair. Yes it hurts, but you caught it on time.

What your wife seems to be suffering from is Limerence (please look it up). Limerence lasts from 3-18 months and has no rhyme or reason (she won't be able to give you concrete answers why she likes the guy so don't bother. Her brain is playing tricks on her, it's why she blames the devil).

Now, locking up emotionally and threats will only make her feel lonelier, crazier and make that guy look like Banky W (fine and elegant) mixed with Bovi (good sense of humour) and Nathaniel Bassey (upright Christian).

Meanwhile the guy is a mix of Yul Edochie, 2face and Emeka Ike in real life.

It's the 80:20 rule: what she liked about him is 20, what is rubbish is 80, but she can only see the 20 and her math skills and logic have failed her.

By the way, this happens to men as well

So what you really need right now is COMMUNICATION! Open phones, open laptops, shine torchlight everywia (because the devil thrives in secrecy). Talking frequently and not about the man (she will want to stylishly bring him up, remember it's not love shes just om crazy brain chemicals).

The type of love she needs is stable love not you competing with the man (God forbid!) or you throwing ultimatums in hurt and pain.

Then she needs ACCOUNTABILITY! Now is the time to look for an older Mama in church or somewhere who will start guiding her and screaming into her ears about Consequences. And the best consequences will be losing access to her child via shared custody after Divorce. No Mother wants that.

Finally, you need FORGIVENESS. She's not ready for remorse (she's lying if she apologizes now). So you need to forgive her now for breaking your trust. And only God can give you that strength, now is the time to delve into the bible deeply. She will join you.

Eventually, once you bring her close, she will tell you the 20% that attracted her to that man. I assure you, it is something that she's lacking in herself, that she went to look outside for, rather than look inwards and fix up.

Human Beings struggle mightily with reflecting inwardly.

If you weather this storm, your marriage will be stronger because you would have matured, lead her and protected your family. She will be eternally grateful that when she lost her mind, you were there to pick up the pieces.

Eventually, she'll want to leave her job, when she's recovered and you've fixed your marriage. Shame will not want her facing that man on a daily basis. Let her do so.

AndroBlaze:
➜ You are choosing to miss the point as usual. The person I replied to says the wife has not cheated because it is emotional and she has not acted on it, and I am making her understand that is the way women cheat, it does not have to be physical for you to know serious wahala de and your relationship is now in ICU.
➜ For men it is entirely different. Men think about sex regularly with other women, that means almost nothing nor does it indicate love or feelings.
➜ A lot of men act on these impulses and have sex with other women, again most of the time it means nothing nor signals any fatal danger to the relationship or his love for his partner.
➜ This is not the same with women, who once they go the way of fantasizing about another man regularly, you need to start stressing yourself and getting her to fall back in love with you again for the relationship to have a chance.
➜ Even your post earlier seemed to suggest the same thing . We ( male and females ) are not the same in short, and to make it shorter the woman has already cheated.

Kobojunkie:
1. I was also making you know that men also emotionally cheat, and it is already serious at that point when men emotionally cheat on their women.

2. Women do the same thing, often. Fantasizing about sex with other people IS NOT emotional cheating. By the way, women also fantasize about having sex with other men, only they don't talk about it much like men do.

3. Before a man can have sex with another woman, he has shifted his emotions from his woman to focusing on the other woman he desires to have, and this is where you see the man connecting with the other woman, and maybe begin arranging to have sex with that woman. That emotional work that they do to eventually get them up until the physical encounter is what is regarded as emotional cheating.

A man does not magically find his dick falling into an outside woman's vagina, even if the woman is a pr0stitute. He literally has to emotionally decide to explore the option of another woman for it to happen. That is where emotional cheating comes in. It is there, only some men(and women too) can have it happen almost at the same time that the physical cheating is taking place. Yes, women can and do, on occasion, act on impulses, but that does not mean there was no emotional cheating before that physical act happens, even then

4. Wrong! A woman can have a one-night stand and pretend it never happened, just like a man can. There are lots of stories online told by women in marriages who, at one point or another, had a one-night stand, some of them in the same house while their husbands slept, either with a friend or a relative of their husbands, zero-ed their mind of it afterwards, and their husbands never found out. You will be shocked that maybe even your own grandmother or mother may have such stories to tell. Women, like men, know how to hide their game well.

5. My post suggests nothing of what you claim since I made clear that men and women can do exactly the same things, only one tends to do it more frequently than the other(at least that is what we believe at this point in time)!