₦airaland Forum

Listen, you are thinking like a boy, better man up.

First reality check:- in the 50s down to 70s, infant mortality was a big issue. Post civil war, it was even a bigger issue than normal. Women adapted by mixing up genes of their kids so they do not all die of something. Some of the people responding are not even aware they are products of such. I am guessing you are Igbo. The current ideas you have about paternity and fidelity are not necessarily same as your parents. And your father my well be aware that you are likely not his biological child. In Igbo culture, a married man owns all the children birthed by his wedded wife, biological or otherwise. Fathering a child in another man's house is considered a loss to the sperms donor, not the the house owner because children are considered wealth. So no Igbo man above 60 years today really cares that much about if his wife's children are all truly his, they simply claim right of fatherhood over you, doing otherwise is a sign of weakness, and giving up his manly rights freely to another man.

Understand this, your father does not critically care if you are genetically his. He has claimed you and raised you. He is a Victor. This is what your mother tried to make him loose by letting you know that you are not his. If you ever open your mouth to question his paternity, you a joining your mother to cause him a loss, and you are forcing him to confront an issue which his generation simply choose to ignore. They did not have DNA test then. As far as your are concerned, your mother could also be wrong.

Second Reality-check. Yes, you are an adult, but you are not a party to the marriage contract between your father and mother. Its not your place to reveal any truth. It is simply not your responsibility, especially when you do not understand the cultural background and value system. Repeating what your mother told you, with your own mouth can be extremely insulting to your father, not because it is or is not the truth, but simply the fact that you the son not only gave it thougth but also gave it voice. Your father's response as an Igbo man is very straight forward to predict, he will reject you, not because of your mother acts, but because you are already questioning in your mind that he is not your father. He has lost in your mind, and thats the real loss. Your mother's treachery is not just having a child from another man, but majorly trying to steal your mind from the man she told you to call father.

Third Reality Check- once you reveal your so called truth, your father's extended family will be very happy to write you off. Even if your father is not doing so. You will loose all the rights of sonship in that lineage, evidenced by your vocalization. But your so called biological father can never bring you into his family. He has wife and children, who will not want you added to their family. Neither will his extended family want you added. There are no bast-ards in Igboland because every child belongs to the man who married his mother, to the mother's father if unwedded. If you stupidly open your mouth as you are thinking in something yhat is not your place to discuss talkless of declare, you will become one of the first bas-tards in Igboland. Do not think the people around you do not know who fathered you. As long as your mothers husband does not speak of it, no one will as long as he is alive for they fear him, cause he will see it asa challenge to his authority. When he dies, they will definitely tell you as an insult, but none of them can change what he did not change while alive. That is the Igbo culture.

Better go live your life, your mother is truly dumb, trapping you in a child's mind with a man's problem. Simply ignore that her truth as if it does not exist, and move on with your life. As for your future wife, it's none of her business. It's your mother's truth, not your truth. you can let your wife know your mother's truth after you have been married for decades. Your truth, the one told to the world when you were born is the only truth that can and should come out of your mouth.

As for opinions fearing leakage of the secret. That should not bother you. Only what comes out of your mouth can have an impact, especially on your father, (even if he already knows)

If your mother makes the claim, your father will dismiss it as mere treachery on her part in his old age. But your mother if already afraid to make such a claim and never will openly. She knows the consequences. Which is that-

If your so called biological father makes claims over your, it is considered a direct personal challenge against your father, for which your father or his brothers or proteges will be within his rights to have your biological father killed.

If any other person, even your father's brothers or sisters makes this claim openly, it will be dismissed as rumour mongering and jealousy. Infact the closest is your father's brothers, who will be immediately accused of coveting his inheritance.

The only person that can safely make this claim, get away with it, and hurt your father is you. That is why your mother planted that seed in you in the guise of telling you the truth.

In Igbo land, he who marries a woman owns and father's all her children.

Just leave the past and focus on now. What you you really want. Your non biological father took care of you, he is your real father.

Unless someone else tells him, but that is not your problem. If the non biological father was more of a father then let it be.

Men.... Always run dna test to avoid tears

Kcash200:
Hi guys,

I have a problem i have been dealing with since i was 12. I am from a large family and when i was 12, my mum told me my Dad is not my biological father and for me to make it a secret. I did not know what to do with such an information at that age but i knew it was wrong but i couldnt talk so i am not the one who destroys the family. Everyone lives in peace but i always wonder what will happen if only they know the truth. My biological father has other children and some of them know me that i am outside. He was involved in my life financially from 12years as far as i am aware of. He sent me money then and i kept quiet too and also supported me financially a couple of times though we have no personal relationship asides 2-3mins phone calls here and there and it is been like that for years.

I know my biological father and we kept in touch while i was in secondary school. Now that i am an adult now, i feel really sad about the whole thing and sometimes i even cry on my bed. I have been living in secret and a double life and fearing i might be outed one day. Some people in my mother's family are aware which is very strange and i find it shameful as a man now but i did not choose my fate. I have always tried to forget it and just leave my life but it is always just there especially when i think about starting my own family. I am striving hard for it not to define the way i see marriage and life as i am trying to write a different story for myself.

I grew up with my father who is not my biological father and i have been a good son to him as well and still taking care of him but it bothers that my whole life is a lie and it is hard knowing what i know and i can't say anything as that will scatter the family. I met some girls from a very good home who i can marry but i am scared if i tell her or other girls, that her parent will not let me marry her with that secret.

I am scared of getting married publicly as someone can take the news to my biological father as i do not intend to invite him as my biological father but i always feel heavy anytime i think about it. I want to start a new life for myself but i don't know how to handle this. I do not plan to tell my father as he is getting old and this can kill him at his old age as he has been through a lot in life. He is finally enjoying and i am taking care of him very well and he prays for me all the time.

I am building a good life for myself as a professional and have a lot of girls around me but i don't know what to do. Should i keep quiet and tell the girl i marry after marriage ? Isn't that me building my marriage on deceit. It is a shameful thing to talk about if you look at it.

Sometimes, i feel like they caused me trauma putting me in this position but i am an adult now and will bear responsibility for how i live my life and cant continue to blame any trauma or anyone. I am the one who has to keep quiet for peace to reign in the family.

I don't want to wait too long just incase it is a dealbreaker for someone but i also don't want to be disclosing to anyone.

Aside from marriage, i still do not know what to do with that information.

All these secrets wont matter when you have your own family and have created your own wealth

Remember Ophans have no family to run to, they create theirs

Your Dad might know what's up. Try telling him as if it's a suspicion. Heart to heart talk.

Live with the burden, learn from the mistakes from your mother's perspective especially when dealing with women and finally, let the man who raised you continue to be your dejure father and take the secret to your grave and let the man be happy in his ignorance rather than spill what could potentially cut his life short.

Kcash200:
Hi guys,

I have a problem i have been dealing with since i was 12. I am from a large family and when i was 12, my mum told me my Dad is not my biological father and for me to make it a secret. I did not know what to do with such an information at that age but i knew it was wrong but i couldnt talk so i am not the one who destroys the family. Everyone lives in peace but i always wonder what will happen if only they know the truth. My biological father has other children and some of them know me that i am outside. He was involved in my life financially from 12years as far as i am aware of. He sent me money then and i kept quiet too and also supported me financially a couple of times though we have no personal relationship asides 2-3mins phone calls here and there and it is been like that for years.

I know my biological father and we kept in touch while i was in secondary school. Now that i am an adult now, i feel really sad about the whole thing and sometimes i even cry on my bed. I have been living in secret and a double life and fearing i might be outed one day. Some people in my mother's family are aware which is very strange and i find it shameful as a man now but i did not choose my fate. I have always tried to forget it and just leave my life but it is always just there especially when i think about starting my own family. I am striving hard for it not to define the way i see marriage and life as i am trying to write a different story for myself.

I grew up with my father who is not my biological father and i have been a good son to him as well and still taking care of him but it bothers that my whole life is a lie and it is hard knowing what i know and i can't say anything as that will scatter the family. I met some girls from a very good home who i can marry but i am scared if i tell her or other girls, that her parent will not let me marry her with that secret.

I am scared of getting married publicly as someone can take the news to my biological father as i do not intend to invite him as my biological father but i always feel heavy anytime i think about it. I want to start a new life for myself but i don't know how to handle this. I do not plan to tell my father as he is getting old and this can kill him at his old age as he has been through a lot in life. He is finally enjoying and i am taking care of him very well and he prays for me all the time.

I am building a good life for myself as a professional and have a lot of girls around me but i don't know what to do. Should i keep quiet and tell the girl i marry after marriage ? Isn't that me building my marriage on deceit. It is a shameful thing to talk about if you look at it.

Sometimes, i feel like they caused me trauma putting me in this position but i am an adult now and will bear responsibility for how i live my life and cant continue to blame any trauma or anyone. I am the one who has to keep quiet for peace to reign in the family.

I don't want to wait too long just incase it is a dealbreaker for someone but i also don't want to be disclosing to anyone.

Aside from marriage, i still do not know what to do with that information.

You must compel your mum to come out, confess and apologize. This might have negative effect on your own family if it is not addressed. Sometimes, life can be Nollywood script- Trust me.

Beeron:
Live with the burden, learn from the mistakes from your mother's perspective especially when dealing with women and finally, let the man who raised you continue to be your dejure father and take the secret to your grave and let the man be happy in his ignorance rather than spill what could potentially cut his life short.

How about his own happiness? How would he feel if his wife does the same thing? It's better to end the pain once and for all. Thank God both fathers have other children.

Tales by moonlight or should I say cocl and bull.
Well I don't have time for cock and bull

Let me tell you the truth nobody here will tell you, because of lack of experience or knowledge. Listen... Your real /Biological father is your father. Go close to him, try to know his State of Origin,village and kindred. After that, tell him to tell some of his siblings and kindred that he has a son outside. But you don't show face to any of your biological fathers family first When you foster)/Surrogate father passed /died, then you can go to your biological father's people and show yourself.
But if you biological father died first, then you would wait for your Foster /Surrogate father to die because going to your biological father's family. If you have enough money, do DNA test with you biological father and keep the result secretly. If you don't have anyone to keep it for you, bring it to me for safe keeping.
Don't listen to those people telling you to forget your biological father oo. He can't show face that he fathered another man wife because that is shameful. He sending you money and communiting with you shows he loves and cherish you. Take my advice brother

Sorry for all you are going through.

The one advice I have is that don’t tell ANY girl about your identity crises.
Introduce the person you bear his surname as your biological Dad. You real Dad should attend your wedding as a guest or not attend at all. That’s his business and your mother’s.

If after the wedding masala burst pretend to be as shocked as everyone else.

Stop letting this bother you and make sure you chose a good woman; be sure of her behaviour and prayer about her and not one who will turn out like your Mum.

Please be selfish with your happiness and do the right thing that makes you happy.
Don’t carry anyone’s burden for them.

CaptainFM1:
How about his own happiness? How would he feel if his wife does the same thing? It's better to end the pain once and for all. Thank God both fathers have other children.

Remember, he has lived with the guilt for years which has been eating him up. Now what will he gain if he infect such trauma to another man in his old age.

If he wasn't brave enough to spill it when he was younger and when baba heart was healthy, why share it now when Baba's heart is fragile?

At some point in life, we all come to a sudden realization of the fakeness and an unreal part of life meaning we have been living a lie. We don't beat ourselves up too much, why? because ignorance is bliss.

Kcash200:
Hi guys,

I have a problem i have been dealing with since i was 12. I am from a large family and when i was 12, my mum told me my Dad is not my biological father and for me to make it a secret. I did not know what to do with such an information at that age but i knew it was wrong but i couldnt talk so i am not the one who destroys the family. Everyone lives in peace but i always wonder what will happen if only they know the truth. My biological father has other children and some of them know me that i am outside. He was involved in my life financially from 12years as far as i am aware of. He sent me money then and i kept quiet too and also supported me financially a couple of times though we have no personal relationship asides 2-3mins phone calls here and there and it is been like that for years.

I know my biological father and we kept in touch while i was in secondary school. Now that i am an adult now, i feel really sad about the whole thing and sometimes i even cry on my bed. I have been living in secret and a double life and fearing i might be outed one day. Some people in my mother's family are aware which is very strange and i find it shameful as a man now but i did not choose my fate. I have always tried to forget it and just leave my life but it is always just there especially when i think about starting my own family. I am striving hard for it not to define the way i see marriage and life as i am trying to write a different story for myself.

I grew up with my father who is not my biological father and i have been a good son to him as well and still taking care of him but it bothers that my whole life is a lie and it is hard knowing what i know and i can't say anything as that will scatter the family. I met some girls from a very good home who i can marry but i am scared if i tell her or other girls, that her parent will not let me marry her with that secret.

I am scared of getting married publicly as someone can take the news to my biological father as i do not intend to invite him as my biological father but i always feel heavy anytime i think about it. I want to start a new life for myself but i don't know how to handle this. I do not plan to tell my father as he is getting old and this can kill him at his old age as he has been through a lot in life. He is finally enjoying and i am taking care of him very well and he prays for me all the time.

I am building a good life for myself as a professional and have a lot of girls around me but i don't know what to do. Should i keep quiet and tell the girl i marry after marriage ? Isn't that me building my marriage on deceit. It is a shameful thing to talk about if you look at it.

Sometimes, i feel like they caused me trauma putting me in this position but i am an adult now and will bear responsibility for how i live my life and cant continue to blame any trauma or anyone. I am the one who has to keep quiet for peace to reign in the family.

I don't want to wait too long just incase it is a dealbreaker for someone but i also don't want to be disclosing to anyone.

Aside from marriage, i still do not know what to do with that information.

Maintain the status quo just as things are don't develop/alter the relationships you have with either of the two old men

Don't ever tell whichever girl you choose to marry, just do a very simple court wedding and move on. Do DNA test on all your kids though, otherwise the past will always hang over your relationship with them

This is heartbreaking but some women are just plain demonic

FreeSpirited:
This case requires a lot of wisdom and very complicated.
It has to do with your happiness, conscience, Surrogate father whom you love, mother who you also care about since she's your mother. In your shoes this what I will do.
First thing first. If your surrogate father hasn't heard it from you, then no woman in the guise of girlfriend, wife, or her family deserve to hear. So the question of telling your girlfriend without your surrogate father first knowing is a big disrespect to him. If you can't tell him then keep shut from telling anyone close to him who can use it against him or you.
Keep it to yourself and be a man. You dint die all this while. How can you even ever thought of divulging your most sensitive secret to a woman. You have to be wise. Every family has secret.

As regard your mom, if she's happy and the family is happy. Don't be the one to ruin her or her family. She already regrets it
.
Just pray the secret doesn't get let out while the man is alive. You have to live with it cos it's too complicated. But you have to use this pain and information to treat this man in a more loving and caring manner that he will feel grateful you are a good son. So be more loving to him as your father. And it's good for you to distant yourself from ur biological father since he doesn't really have connection or stake in your life. In fact, the more distant u are to him for now, the better for your mental health. Cos any stunt from him can ruin you.
Now, imagine if this man wasn't alive to care for you, do you think your biological father would have cared and nurtured you the way this man did? So let him have his bliss and be good son.
But if he finds out. Go to him, cry, beg him, tell him you want to remain his son, that you have no father you know. make him know you are with him and against the evil of your mother.
.
For now stop accepting gifts from your biological father he's only using that to soften your heart and confuse your identity.
..
So be a man, if u didn't know this secret you won't worry, and since u know, use it to be a man, and also always use it against your mom so that she fears you and know her boundaries for the pain she caused you. So you can use the information to your advantage. It's time to be a man
As regard your girlfriend. Go on with her, love her, do your marriage. Keep it secret. In fact live your life as though you dint know this secret cos u are not even supposed to know. It's your secret and pain, bear it, and be strong. Child who has no memory or knowledge of their father and mother gets married, why not you. You have not committed any crime. The problem is you thinks life should be perfect. No you can't determine how life will relate with you. So be grateful for your life and be strong. Message me if you want further advice.
.
I repeat, never you tell your girlfriend because she will use it against you, and she will never respect your mother, let alone her family respectin ur mother. They don't deserve to know that part of you. They don't. Give your head sense, respect urself, ur in-laws shouldnt know everything about u

I disagree, you cannot write a biological father off. So you want the biological father to go to the Foster father's house and knock that I want to see my son. Reason with me.
Or didn't you read the place when he said the biological father always communicate with him also gives him money?

Kcash200:
I know he would have suspected her ways because looking back, she was rude to him and never listened but it would really shock me if he knew but i dont think i want to find out. Seems the current arrangement is working for everyone at the moment.

No i am not the first. it happened while my mum was married already.

As a woman, do you think i should tell a girl i have been talking to for 7months? she told her parents about me and they are from a good home. I do not know what the reaction would be because she asked me if i had any childhood trauma and i said no.

dont bother telling your girl friend it will get complicated and they may turn out not marrying you, just do your thing with that man that raised you. karma is real. And he deserves to know this. Tell him, he wount die.

Lest I forget :please don't tell any useless girl about the descrepancies of your birth oo. They will only dump and laugh you

Beeron:
Remember, he has lived with the guilt for years which has been eating him up. Now what will he gain if he infect such trauma to another man in his old age.

If he wasn't brave enough to spill it when he was younger and when baba heart was healthy, why share it now when Baba's heart is fragile?

At some point in life, we all come to a sudden realization of the fakeness and an unreal part of life meaning we have been living a lie. We don't beat ourselves up too much, why? because ignorance is bliss.

The thing here is that he has years ahead of him. The parents are already old. It's better they take the sacrifice for the children and exit in peace. That's what parents do.

Or would you rather he die before them? The guilt is already hurting him which is a clear sign that one or both of the parent or the mother is about to exit without the truth coming to the fore. And if that happens, he will forever carry the guilt through his lifetime which will affect his peace.

Since the parents should die before him and they are old anyway, it's better to let them know. More important is his mother apologizing and seek the forgiveness of every body that will be hurt.

Better let sleeping dog lie..
No go kpai your innocent 'father' with unnecessary information.
Besides, according to Igbo tradition,your 'biological' father has no claims over you as he did not pay your mother's bride price. He only straffed another man's wife which is a taboo in Igbo land. U can never bear his surname. So, focus on your focus, be happy and move on.
Ndewo

Kcash200:
I know he would have suspected her ways because looking back, she was rude to him and never listened but it would really shock me if he knew but i dont think i want to find out. Seems the current arrangement is working for everyone at the moment.

No i am not the first. it happened while my mum was married already.

As a woman, do you think i should tell a girl i have been talking to for 7months? she told her parents about me and they are from a good home. I do not know what the reaction would be because she asked me if i had any childhood trauma and i said no.

Dude it's none of their fvck!ng business

Kcash200:
Hi guys,

I have a problem i have been dealing with since i was 12. I am from a large family and when i was 12, my mum told me my Dad is not my biological father and for me to make it a secret. I did not know what to do with such an information at that age but i knew it was wrong but i couldnt talk so i am not the one who destroys the family. Everyone lives in peace but i always wonder what will happen if only they know the truth. My biological father has other children and some of them know me that i am outside. He was involved in my life financially from 12years as far as i am aware of. He sent me money then and i kept quiet too and also supported me financially a couple of times though we have no personal relationship asides 2-3mins phone calls here and there and it is been like that for years.

I know my biological father and we kept in touch while i was in secondary school. Now that i am an adult now, i feel really sad about the whole thing and sometimes i even cry on my bed. I have been living in secret and a double life and fearing i might be outed one day. Some people in my mother's family are aware which is very strange and i find it shameful as a man now but i did not choose my fate. I have always tried to forget it and just leave my life but it is always just there especially when i think about starting my own family. I am striving hard for it not to define the way i see marriage and life as i am trying to write a different story for myself.

I grew up with my father who is not my biological father and i have been a good son to him as well and still taking care of him but it bothers that my whole life is a lie and it is hard knowing what i know and i can't say anything as that will scatter the family. I met some girls from a very good home who i can marry but i am scared if i tell her or other girls, that her parent will not let me marry her with that secret.

I am scared of getting married publicly as someone can take the news to my biological father as i do not intend to invite him as my biological father but i always feel heavy anytime i think about it. I want to start a new life for myself but i don't know how to handle this. I do not plan to tell my father as he is getting old and this can kill him at his old age as he has been through a lot in life. He is finally enjoying and i am taking care of him very well and he prays for me all the time.

I am building a good life for myself as a professional and have a lot of girls around me but i don't know what to do. Should i keep quiet and tell the girl i marry after marriage ? Isn't that me building my marriage on deceit. It is a shameful thing to talk about if you look at it.

Sometimes, i feel like they caused me trauma putting me in this position but i am an adult now and will bear responsibility for how i live my life and cant continue to blame any trauma or anyone. I am the one who has to keep quiet for peace to reign in the family.

I don't want to wait too long just incase it is a dealbreaker for someone but i also don't want to be disclosing to anyone.

Aside from marriage, i still do not know what to do with that information.

Reach out to me...

What a well written story. So, somehow, I should believe that 99% of the family knows of this secret, yet the father doesn’t? This is why I don’t watch Nollywood movies. So, your elder brother looks like grandma, your elder sister looks like your aunt and the last born looks like your granduncle. You, on the other hand, look like the security guard — and somehow no alarm bells have been rung? Abeg, tell me another story.

Okay, weak men afraid to raise another’s kids, food don done.

Let me drop advice since I’m waiting for sleep to carry me: whoever raised you is your father. Blood means nothing if you weren’t treated well. The person imprinted in your mind from four years old to adulthood is your legitimate parent. If the man is so good, he’s already set your share of inheritance.

Kcash200:
Hi guys,

I have a problem i have been dealing with since i was 12. I am from a large family and when i was 12, my mum told me my Dad is not my biological father and for me to make it a secret. I did not know what to do with such an information at that age but i knew it was wrong but i couldnt talk so i am not the one who destroys the family. Everyone lives in peace but i always wonder what will happen if only they know the truth. My biological father has other children and some of them know me that i am outside. He was involved in my life financially from 12years as far as i am aware of. He sent me money then and i kept quiet too and also supported me financially a couple of times though we have no personal relationship asides 2-3mins phone calls here and there and it is been like that for years.

I know my biological father and we kept in touch while i was in secondary school. Now that i am an adult now, i feel really sad about the whole thing and sometimes i even cry on my bed. I have been living in secret and a double life and fearing i might be outed one day. Some people in my mother's family are aware which is very strange and i find it shameful as a man now but i did not choose my fate. I have always tried to forget it and just leave my life but it is always just there especially when i think about starting my own family. I am striving hard for it not to define the way i see marriage and life as i am trying to write a different story for myself.

I grew up with my father who is not my biological father and i have been a good son to him as well and still taking care of him but it bothers that my whole life is a lie and it is hard knowing what i know and i can't say anything as that will scatter the family. I met some girls from a very good home who i can marry but i am scared if i tell her or other girls, that her parent will not let me marry her with that secret.

I am scared of getting married publicly as someone can take the news to my biological father as i do not intend to invite him as my biological father but i always feel heavy anytime i think about it. I want to start a new life for myself but i don't know how to handle this. I do not plan to tell my father as he is getting old and this can kill him at his old age as he has been through a lot in life. He is finally enjoying and i am taking care of him very well and he prays for me all the time.

I am building a good life for myself as a professional and have a lot of girls around me but i don't know what to do. Should i keep quiet and tell the girl i marry after marriage ? Isn't that me building my marriage on deceit. It is a shameful thing to talk about if you look at it.

Sometimes, i feel like they caused me trauma putting me in this position but i am an adult now and will bear responsibility for how i live my life and cant continue to blame any trauma or anyone. I am the one who has to keep quiet for peace to reign in the family.

I don't want to wait too long just incase it is a dealbreaker for someone but i also don't want to be disclosing to anyone.

Aside from marriage, i still do not know what to do with that information.

You have really done well as a man, so I do not have much to say to you again other than to take things easy. Be very reluctant to reveal secrets.
Men are built to die with some secrets. It's not all secrets that you tell people. You are still going to encounter a few more as time goes on. You just have to keep secrets secret.
You will have a challenge when you are getting married, as your father will be required to show up before you can be given a wife. I feel the father that has been hiding will still have to hide during the wedding, let the father that is in the open be the father of the day, except for ill-health.
You already developed a tough and mature mind to stomach it, the Lord will see you through.

Move on quietly and carry on quietly. Dont rock the boat. No need to bring it up to anyone. You will only be causing unnecessary hurt and unnecessary drama. You didnt create the scenario and you will not be either the first or last in such a situation, there are millions.

CaptainFM1:
The thing here is that he has years ahead of him. The parents are already old. It's better they take the sacrifice for the children and exit in peace. That's what parents do.

Or would you rather he die before them? The guilt is already hurting him which is a clear sign that one or both of the parent or the mother is about to exit without the truth coming to the fore. And if that happens, he will forever carry the guilt through his lifetime which will affect his peace.

Since the parents should die before him and they are old anyway, it's better to let them know. More important is his mother apologizing and seek the forgiveness of every body that will be hurt.

+
Bad advice.

Sirianese:
Maintain the status quo just as things are don't develop/alter the relationships you have with either of the two old men

Don't ever tell whichever girl you choose to marry, just do a very simple court wedding and move on. Do DNA test on all your kids though, otherwise the past will always hang over your relationship with them

This is heartbreaking but some women are just plain demonic

+
Good advice.

Father4all:
I disagree, you cannot write a biological father off. So you want the biological father to go to the Foster father's house and knock that I want to see my son. Reason with me.
Or didn't you read the place when he said the biological father always communicate with him also gives him money?

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He can maintain the interaction but that should be all.

CaptainFM1:
You must compel your mum to come out, confess and apologize. This might have negative effect on your own family if it is not addressed. Sometimes, life can be Nollywood script- Trust me.

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Extremely BAD advice.

GerogeI:
Listen, you are thinking like a boy, better man up.

First reality check:- in the 50s down to 70s, infant mortality was a big issue. Post civil war, it was even a bigger issue than normal. Women adapted by mixing up genes of their kids so they do not all die of something. Some of the people responding are not even aware they are products of such. I am guessing you are Igbo. The current ideas you have about paternity and fidelity are not necessarily same as your parents. And your father my well be aware that you are likely not his biological child. In Igbo culture, a married man owns all the children birthed by his wedded wife, biological or otherwise. Fathering a child in another man's house is considered a loss to the sperms donor, not the the house owner because children are considered wealth. So no Igbo man above 60 years today really cares that much about if his wife's children are all truly his, they simply claim right of fatherhood over you, doing otherwise is a sign of weakness, and giving up his manly rights freely to another man.

Understand this, your father does not critically care if you are genetically his. He has claimed you and raised you. He is a Victor. This is what your mother tried to make him loose by letting you know that you are not his. If you ever open your mouth to question his paternity, you a joining your mother to cause him a loss, and you are forcing him to confront an issue which his generation simply choose to ignore. They did not have DNA test then. As far as your are concerned, your mother could also be wrong.

Second Reality-check. Yes, you are an adult, but you are not a party to the marriage contract between your father and mother. Its not your place to reveal any truth. It is simply not your responsibility, especially when you do not understand the cultural background and value system. Repeating what your mother told you, with your own mouth can be extremely insulting to your father, not because it is or is not the truth, but simply the fact that you the son not only gave it thougth but also gave it voice. Your father's response as an Igbo man is very straight forward to predict, he will reject you, not because of your mother acts, but because you are already questioning in your mind that he is not your father. He has lost in your mind, and thats the real loss. Your mother's treachery is not just having a child from another man, but majorly trying to steal your mind from the man she told you to call father.

Third Reality Check- once you reveal your so called truth, your father's extended family will be very happy to write you off. Even if your father is not doing so. You will loose all the rights of sonship in that lineage, evidenced by your vocalization. But your so called biological father can never bring you into his family. He has wife and children, who will not want you added to their family. Neither will his extended family want you added. There are no bast-ards in Igboland because every child belongs to the man who married his mother, to the mother's father if unwedded. If you stupidly open your mouth as you are thinking in something yhat is not your place to discuss talkless of declare, you will become one of the first bas-tards in Igboland. Do not think the people around you do not know who fathered you. As long as your mothers husband does not speak of it, no one will as long as he is alive for they fear him, cause he will see it asa challenge to his authority. When he dies, they will definitely tell you as an insult, but none of them can change what he did not change while alive. That is the Igbo culture.

Better go live your life, your mother is truly dumb, trapping you in a child's mind with a man's problem. Simply ignore that her truth as if it does not exist, and move on with your life. As for your future wife, it's none of her business. It's your mother's truth, not your truth. you can let your wife know your mother's truth after you have been married for decades. Your truth, the one told to the world when you were born is the only truth that can and should come out of your mouth.

As for opinions fearing leakage of the secret. That should not bother you. Only what comes out of your mouth can have an impact, especially on your father, (even if he already knows)

If your mother makes the claim, your father will dismiss it as mere treachery on her part in his old age. But your mother if already afraid to make such a claim and never will openly. She knows the consequences. Which is that-

If your so called biological father makes claims over your, it is considered a direct personal challenge against your father, for which your father or his brothers or proteges will be within his rights to have your biological father killed.

If any other person, even your father's brothers or sisters makes this claim openly, it will be dismissed as rumour mongering and jealousy. Infact the closest is your father's brothers, who will be immediately accused of coveting his inheritance.

The only person that can safely make this claim, get away with it, and hurt your father is you. That is why your mother planted that seed in you in the guise of telling you the truth.

In Igbo land, he who marries a woman owns and father's all her children.

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Generally good advice.

Kcash200:
Hi guys,

I have a problem i have been dealing with since i was 12. I am from a large family and when i was 12, my mum told me my Dad is not my biological father and for me to make it a secret. I did not know what to do with such an information at that age but i knew it was wrong but i couldnt talk so i am not the one who destroys the family. Everyone lives in peace but i always wonder what will happen if only they know the truth. My biological father has other children and some of them know me that i am outside. He was involved in my life financially from 12years as far as i am aware of. He sent me money then and i kept quiet too and also supported me financially a couple of times though we have no personal relationship asides 2-3mins phone calls here and there and it is been like that for years.

I know my biological father and we kept in touch while i was in secondary school. Now that i am an adult now, i feel really sad about the whole thing and sometimes i even cry on my bed. I have been living in secret and a double life and fearing i might be outed one day. Some people in my mother's family are aware which is very strange and i find it shameful as a man now but i did not choose my fate. I have always tried to forget it and just leave my life but it is always just there especially when i think about starting my own family. I am striving hard for it not to define the way i see marriage and life as i am trying to write a different story for myself.

I grew up with my father who is not my biological father and i have been a good son to him as well and still taking care of him but it bothers that my whole life is a lie and it is hard knowing what i know and i can't say anything as that will scatter the family. I met some girls from a very good home who i can marry but i am scared if i tell her or other girls, that her parent will not let me marry her with that secret.

I am scared of getting married publicly as someone can take the news to my biological father as i do not intend to invite him as my biological father but i always feel heavy anytime i think about it. I want to start a new life for myself but i don't know how to handle this. I do not plan to tell my father as he is getting old and this can kill him at his old age as he has been through a lot in life. He is finally enjoying and i am taking care of him very well and he prays for me all the time.

I am building a good life for myself as a professional and have a lot of girls around me but i don't know what to do. Should i keep quiet and tell the girl i marry after marriage ? Isn't that me building my marriage on deceit. It is a shameful thing to talk about if you look at it.

Sometimes, i feel like they caused me trauma putting me in this position but i am an adult now and will bear responsibility for how i live my life and cant continue to blame any trauma or anyone. I am the one who has to keep quiet for peace to reign in the family.

I don't want to wait too long just incase it is a dealbreaker for someone but i also don't want to be disclosing to anyone.

Aside from marriage, i still do not know what to do with that information.

Bros I will tell u from a experience this whole thing is not your problem.
The only thing u should pray for is to make money.
Nobody cares about your background what people care about is how big your pocket is.
Seek money first and every other thing shall be added to you.

Pretend as if u don't know anything going on around u.
Just focus to make a difference in life.
How many rich people think about their parental background the way the poor things.
Any girl can marry no matter who u are.
Girls don't care about your background but your pocket.

If u are the one that brought yourself to the world then u need to worry if u are not then focus

Kcash200:
Thanks so much. I will keep to this actually.

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Dont disclose it even to the woman of your dreams. Anything could happen and it could be negatively deployed.