₦airaland Forum

Hi everyone,
I’d really appreciate your honest opinions. I’m 38 years old, currently living in Australia, and I’m at a stage where I want to stop juggling emotions and focus on one serious relationship, with marriage in mind.

Here’s a clear and honest overview of my situation:

⸻

Lady M (Nigeria – Lagos)

I’ve known Lady M for about three years, going on four. I met her in 2022, while I was already living overseas, during a holiday in Lagos. That’s how the relationship started.

We dated seriously, got engaged, and planned marriage multiple times, but the wedding was postponed about three times. The postponements were due to recurring conflicts, and I’ll be honest—whenever marriage got very close, I sometimes developed cold feet, largely because of the constant fights and emotional tension.

Lady M is actually my favourite on the list physically. She has all the physical attributes I’m naturally attracted to, and there’s strong chemistry and real history between us. However, my growing concern has been character and mindset, especially around conflict and marriage.

Recently, I shared a situation with her about a friend in Canada whose wife left the marriage suddenly. Before the man even returned from Nigeria, she sold the man and his house and moved out. I personally felt that was wrong and unnecessary, regardless of what happened between them.

When I asked Lady M for her view, she said the woman should have done more and even sued the man further, especially if there had been cheating or physical abuse. She referenced her own parents’ divorce, where her mother took legal action against her father’s properties.

What worried me wasn’t her background alone (I also come from a broken home), but her strong justification of extreme actions during marital conflict. When I asked if she supported that approach, she said it “depends on what the man did.”

Additionally, during heated moments in our relationship, she has said things like “If I ever marry you, I’ll divorce you.” Statements like this deeply unsettle me and are a major reason I develop cold feet whenever marriage gets close. Since I live overseas, these patterns make me fear instability and future risk.

⸻

Lady H (UK – Manchester)

I’ve known Lady H since around 2017. We were friends before I relocated overseas. She moved to the UK in 2022 and currently lives in Manchester, and I’ve visited her there.

She’s 29, works as a carer, financially independent, calm, and generally low-conflict. She’s expressed willingness to support the marriage process and is open to joining me later via a student visa route if needed (she’s still sorting out her long-term stay in the UK).

What stands out with her is the peace, emotional safety, and cooperation she brings. There’s less drama, no threats, and more predictability, which my mind increasingly values at this stage of my life.

⸻

Lady J (Nigeria – Benin-based)

I started talking to Lady J recently. She’s around 25, runs a business in Nigeria, and has been very clear and intentional about wanting marriage and children.

She understands that the visa process could take several years and is comfortable staying in Nigeria to continue her business during that time. She’s open to having children after marriage and has so far been calm, respectful, and straightforward.

People often ask why I don’t simply date or marry locally in Australia. From my personal experience, the dating culture here is very different. Attraction is subjective, but what I’m naturally drawn to is more common back home. Beyond that, dating here tends to be more individualistic, slower to commitment, and harder to navigate, even when you’re doing well for yourself. It’s not as straightforward as it is in Nigeria, where marriage intentions are clearer early on.

⸻

At this stage of my life, I want peace, emotional safety, respect, and long-term stability. While Lady M has been my physical preference, my mind increasingly tells me to focus on Lady H, who offers more calm and predictability. Lady J is intentional but still new.

Based on all this:
• What stands out to you?
• Are my fears valid, or am I overthinking?
• If you were 38, living overseas, who would you prioritise and why?

Thanks in advance for your honest input.

My advice would have been to AVOID marriage altogether.
It's NOT what it used to be.
The BENEFITS are LIMTED.
The PROBLEMS are LIMITLESS.

But it looks like your mind is made up and you're EAGER to marry.

So here goes:

Only MADNESS should make you consider the first lady (M) for marriage.

Breaking off the engagement/marriage plans THREE times should be a clear pointer to the direction a committed relationship would take.

Plus, being raised in a BROKEN home has DAMAGED her view of marriage.
And the way she talks about her Mother with admiration for DRAGGING her father to court over PROPERTIES for which she did NOT contribute to their acquisitions should be a clear indication for you to RUN.

A troublesome woman + Eagerness to initiate a CONTENTIOUS divorce + Australia = recipe for a divorce that'd WRECK you for life.

If you take that woman to a Western Country with Divorce Laws that are SKEWED in favour of the woman, you'll REGRET it.

Also, rest assured that you'll NOT enjoy her body as much as you think you will.

Her constantly COMBATIVE nature will strip you of your libido in no time.
Plus if you have disagreements, she'll WITHHOLD sex.

That chemistry you talk about will be WEAPONISED against you.

The 25-year old lady in Nigeria is a BAD idea.
You're most likely just a stepping stone to a SOFT LIFE for her.

Take her from the STRUGGLE of running her own business in Nigeria to a comparatively SOFTER life in Australia and you may NOT like the new her that will EMERGE in that kind of gynocentric setting.

Your BEST bet is the 29-year old Manchester Lady.
She's lived in a FOREIGN country so she knows how it works.
She definitely knows how to take care of her own business if she processed her travel arrangements without a husband in the picture.

You may have to contend with her INDEPENDENCE mindset but your description of her character seems potentially MANAGEABLE.

Plus, she's 29 and done with the FIRST part of her wHOlE phase. At 29, she's DEFINITELY ready to settle down.

And you can expect at least FIVE YEARS of relatively blissful married life.
She'll behave UNTIL you both have one or two kids, then the SECOND part of her wHOlE phase will begin at around the time she hits 34/35.

Hint: it's going to start with a COWORKER.

I would marry the UK lady. She’s calm, stable and steady. She’s lived abroad and has acclimatized to the dating culture. Chemistry can be built upon, the more time you guys spend together, the more you will develop the chemistry.

The Lagos NG lady sounds like bad news. She looks good physically but lacks character. From your story, she doesn’t even seem to like you. She sounds to me like a feminist who will always be in contention with a man. It looks like the only edge you have over her is that you are abroad. The moment she joins you, her taste would change.

The Edo NG lady is quite too young for you. It’s your preference at the end of the day. Personally, I wouldn’t marry any girl living in Nigeria unless she’s from a wealthy home or she’s self made. It’s difficult to differentiate who loves you vs who is looking to japa.

All in all, I will go for the UK girl or look for someone else.

Namaster:
My advice would have been to AVOID marriage altogether.
It's NOT what it used to be.
The BENEFITS are LIMTED.
The PROBLEMS are LIMITLESS.

But it looks like your mind is made up and you're EAGER to marry.

So here goes:

Yes, I’m also considering that angle, and I agree that marriage today comes with real risks.

However, I also have to be honest with myself: I need companionship. Living overseas can be lonely. People are busy, individualistic, and emotionally guarded. It’s not like back home where social life is more organic and relationships form more naturally.

If I were living in Nigeria, I probably wouldn’t feel the same pressure to marry. I could date freely, enjoy companionship, and even have children without formal commitment. But overseas, it’s very different. Casual arrangements exist, yes but they’re often transactional, temporary, and not emotionally fulfilling.

I travel back home once or twice a year partly because of this. Overseas offers structure and opportunity, but it can lack warmth and connection. Dating locally hasn’t aligned well with what I’m naturally attracted to or with my long-term values, and I don’t want to force something just to avoid loneliness.

So my interest in marriage isn’t about desperation or tradition,it’s about intentional companionship, emotional closeness, and building something stable with the right person. I’m aware of the risks, which is exactly why I’m being cautious rather than rushing.

eazzzy1:
I would marry the UK lady. She’s calm, stable and steady. She’s lived abroad and has acclimatized to the dating culture.

It seems you like the Lagos Nigeria lady more anyways and you would do what you want eventually. So all the best.

Just to clarify one more point for balance: the UK lady is financially okay and independent, but she’s currently on a 5-year visa, while I’m an Australian citizen. So in terms of long-term security and stability, I do objectively have more to offer at this stage.

I’m not saying this to diminish her in any way,just stating the reality that we’re at different stages structurally. That’s part of what I’m weighing alongside character, peace, intentions, and long-term compatibility.

Every option has trade-offs, and I’m trying to look at the full picture rather than emotions alone.

Massivedick:
Just to clarify one more point for balance: the UK lady is financially okay and independent, but she’s currently on a 5-year visa, while I’m an Australian citizen. So in terms of long-term security and stability, I do objectively have more to offer at this stage.

I’m not saying this to diminish her in any way,just stating the reality that we’re at different stages structurally. That’s part of what I’m weighing alongside character, peace, intentions, and long-term compatibility.

Every option has trade-offs, and I’m trying to look at the full picture rather than emotions alone.

I edited my response to be more comprehensive but my conclusion is the same. Note that I’m not telling you who to marry. I’m telling you who I would marry if these were my only options.

The Lagos girl won’t even be on the list. See, I have seen people abroad gone home to marry, the exchange rate makes you appear bigger than you really are, so you tend to carry something bigger than you. This happens to both men and women btw.

Then you bring them abroad, they become citizen and start earning at your level, then the illusion of bigness disappears and so does their adulation of you. She may adjust eventually but adjustment isn’t easy and would be done while already married. This is one reason why many marriages abroad fails. I prefer someone who’s already adjusted.

Marrying someone from Nigeria when you live abroad is a risk. Not all ends badly, but I’m not interested in the trial.

Bro avoid Lady M and focus on Lady H

See, there is something i wrote in my book...there are certain qualities men/women must possess before we can proceed with marriage with them regardless of whether they are beautiful, endowed, rich or handsome...there is absolutely nothing wrong in having body structure preference ..but once this qualities are missing, then its a big red flag.....cos sooner or later you will divorce if lacking below qualities

-Respect
-Communication
-Commitment
-Loyalty
-Cooperation

Lady H fits in here...

I don tell you oo

Massivedick:
Hi everyone,
I’d really appreciate your honest opinions. I’m 38 years old, currently living in Australia, and I’m at a stage where I want to stop juggling emotions and focus on one serious relationship, with marriage in mind.

Here’s a clear and honest overview of my situation:

⸻

Lady M (Nigeria – Lagos)

I’ve known Lady M for about three years, going on four. I met her in 2022, while I was already living overseas, during a holiday in Lagos. That’s how the relationship started.

We dated seriously, got engaged, and planned marriage multiple times, but the wedding was postponed about three times. The postponements were due to recurring conflicts, and I’ll be honest whenever marriage got very close, I sometimes developed cold feet, largely because of the constant fights and emotional tension.

Lady M is actually my favourite on the list physically. She has all the physical attributes I’m naturally attracted to, and there’s strong chemistry and real history between us. However, my growing concern has been character and mindset, especially around conflict and marriage.

Recently, I shared a situation with her about a friend in Canada whose wife left the marriage suddenly. Before the man even returned from Nigeria, she sold the man and his house and moved out. I personally felt that was wrong and unnecessary, regardless of what happened between them.

When I asked Lady M for her view, she said the woman should have done more and even sued the man further, especially if there had been cheating or physical abuse. She referenced her own parents’ divorce, where her mother took legal action against her father’s properties.

What worried me wasn’t her background alone (I also come from a broken home), but her strong justification of extreme actions during marital conflict. When I asked if she supported that approach, she said it “depends on what the man did.”

Additionally, during heated moments in our relationship, she has said things like “If I ever marry you, I’ll divorce you.” Statements like this deeply unsettle me and are a major reason I develop cold feet whenever marriage gets close. Since I live overseas, these patterns make me fear instability and future risk.

⸻

Lady H (UK – Manchester)

I’ve known Lady H since around 2017. We were friends before I relocated overseas. She moved to the UK in 2022 and currently lives in Manchester, and I’ve visited her there.

She’s 29, works as a carer, financially independent, calm, and generally low-conflict. She’s expressed willingness to support the marriage process and is open to joining me later via a student visa route if needed (she’s still sorting out her long-term stay in the UK).

What stands out with her is the peace, emotional safety, and cooperation she brings. There’s less drama, no threats, and more predictability, which my mind increasingly values at this stage of my life.

⸻

Lady J (Nigeria – Benin-based)

I started talking to Lady J recently. She’s around 25, runs a business in Nigeria, and has been very clear and intentional about wanting marriage and children.

She understands that the visa process could take several years and is comfortable staying in Nigeria to continue her business during that time. She’s open to having children after marriage and has so far been calm, respectful, and straightforward.

I also want to add something important that I didn’t initially include: I intentionally asked both Lady M and Lady H about their views on prenups, because I believe it’s a practical way to understand alignment around responsibility, conflict, and fairness.

Initially, neither of them fully understood what a prenup was. After I explained it clearly—
that it simply means each person leaves the marriage with what they came in with,
and that anything built together (e.g. a house) would be shared based on actual contribution,
as a form of insurance, not an expectation of failure—their responses were very different.

Lady H was calm about it. She said she hopes to stay married for a long time, but she understands that life is unpredictable and that a prenup is not a big issue for her. She was open, practical, and didn’t see it as a lack of commitment.

Lady M, however, strongly opposed it. She said a prenup means you’re entering marriage without full commitment, that it shows you’re already planning for the marriage to fail, and that the children would suffer. I tried to explain that it’s like insurance,you don’t buy insurance because you want something bad to happen, but because you understand risk. I even pointed out that she herself has sold insurance in the past.

Despite this, she said our beliefs are not aligned and that she could not accept it. She then involved her pastor, who sent voice notes saying that any man who asks for a prenup is not truly born again, doesn’t trust God, and is planning for divorce. According to him, marriage assurance should come only from faith and the Holy Spirit.

While I respect faith, what concerned me was how quickly a personal marriage discussion turned into external control and absolute judgment, rather than dialogue and compromise. For me, this highlighted a deeper issue of values alignment, conflict resolution, and decision-making in marriage.

This, combined with past statements like “If I ever marry you, I’ll divorce you”( though she has apologized and said I have said worst things to her ) ,has made me pause and question long-term compatibility and emotional safety.

I’m not against marriage. I’m trying to enter it with clarity, responsibility, and fairness, especially as someone living overseas with more structural and financial exposure.

Namaster:
My advice would have been to AVOID marriage altogether.
It's NOT what it used to be.
The BENEFITS are LIMTED.
The PROBLEMS are LIMITLESS.

But it looks like your mind is made up and you're EAGER to marry.

So here goes:

Only MADNESS should make you consider the first lady (M) for marriage.

Breaking off the engagement/marriage plans THREE times should be a clear pointer to the direction a committed relationship would take.

Plus, being raised in a BROKEN home has DAMAGED her view of marriage.
And the way she talks about her Mother with admiration for DRAGGING her father to court over PROPERTIES for which she did NOT contribute to their acquisitions should be a clear indication for you to RUN.

A troublesome woman + Eagerness to initiate a CONTENTIOUS divorce + Australia = recipe for a divorce that'd WRECK you for life.

If you take that woman to a Western Country with Divorce Laws that are SKEWED in favour of the woman, you'll REGRET it.

Also, rest assured that you'll NOT enjoy her body as much as you think you will.

Her constantly COMBATIVE nature will strip you of your libido in no time.
Plus if you have disagreements, she'll WITHHOLD sex.

That chemistry you talk about will be WEAPONISED against you.

The 25-year old lady in Nigeria is a BAD idea.
You're most likely just a stepping stone to a SOFT LIFE for her.

Take her from the STRUGGLE of running her own business in Nigeria to a comparatively SOFTER life in Australia and you may NOT like the new her that will EMERGE in that kind of gynocentric setting.

Your BEST bet is the 29-year old Manchester Lady.
She's lived in a FOREIGN country so she knows how it works.
She definitely knows how to take care of her own business if she processed her travel arrangements without a husband in the picture.

You may have to contend with her INDEPENDENCE mindset but your description of her character seems potentially MANAGEABLE.

Plus, she's 29 and done with the FIRST part of her wHOlE phase. At 29, she's DEFINITELY ready to settle down.

And you can expect at least FIVE YEARS of relatively blissful married life.
She'll behave UNTIL you both have one or two kids, then the SECOND part of her wHOlE phase will begin at around the time she hits 34/35.

Hint: it's going to start with a COWORKER.

oh no why you be like this?

Massivedick:
I also want to add something important that I didn’t initially include: I intentionally asked both Lady M and Lady H about their views on prenups, because I believe it’s a practical way to understand alignment around responsibility, conflict, and fairness.

Initially, neither of them fully understood what a prenup was. After I explained it clearly—
that it simply means each person leaves the marriage with what they came in with,
and that anything built together (e.g. a house) would be shared based on actual contribution,
as a form of insurance, not an expectation of failure—their responses were very different.

Lady H was calm about it. She said she hopes to stay married for a long time, but she understands that life is unpredictable and that a prenup is not a big issue for her. She was open, practical, and didn’t see it as a lack of commitment.

Lady M, however, strongly opposed it. She said a prenup means you’re entering marriage without full commitment, that it shows you’re already planning for the marriage to fail, and that the children would suffer. I tried to explain that it’s like insurance,you don’t buy insurance because you want something bad to happen, but because you understand risk. I even pointed out that she herself has sold insurance in the past.

Despite this, she said our beliefs are not aligned and that she could not accept it. She then involved her pastor, who sent voice notes saying that any man who asks for a prenup is not truly born again, doesn’t trust God, and is planning for divorce. According to him, marriage assurance should come only from faith and the Holy Spirit.

While I respect faith, what concerned me was how quickly a personal marriage discussion turned into external control and absolute judgment, rather than dialogue and compromise. For me, this highlighted a deeper issue of values alignment, conflict resolution, and decision-making in marriage.

This, combined with past statements like “If I ever marry you, I’ll divorce you”( though she has apologized and said I have said worst things to her ) ,has made me pause and question long-term compatibility and emotional safety.

I’m not against marriage. I’m trying to enter it with clarity, responsibility, and fairness, especially as someone living overseas with more structural and financial exposure.

Have you asked God to guide and give you wisdom?

You seem to have the red flags popping up in front of you though. What you said about lady M just now doesn't sound like a relationship alignment someone should proceed with

You write well, but it seems you're not so smart. How can your lady M even be an option? I will not even bring myself to discuss her.

The London lady seems the best fit. Level headed, focused and already understands Western living.

The Benin based lady is young. In my opinion, she just likes the idea of dating a man abroad and will likely agree to any conditions for now.

Let me advice you as someone with more than a decade experience of marriage. What you need is peace, support and compatibility. You need someone for the long term who shares similar values.

Forget looks, that's one of the least things to worry about. Those things will not matter if your partner turns into a monster.

Most times after marriage, the girl who you couldn't get enough of sexually will walk around the house naked and you wouldn't even get aroused.

Consider the London girl as an option, but nothing stops you from looking around if you still think there is something better for you out there.

someone will see fire and want to put his hands inside
this decision is to easy and needs deep thinking
respect the ones that brings u peace above everything

redflags everywhere with the first lady

I agree with all the comments that have been dropped already regarding this matter.

Lady M shouldn't even be a consideration at all.

You’re thinking of marrying her because of physical attributes, but I can promise you it won't last. Looks fade, and it doesn't take so long. It's like buying a new car. After a while, the excitement reduces.

What you should be more concerned about is value & character, and from what you described, Lady M lacks it. She has serious baggage from her background & you can't handle it.

For Lady J, forget it. The fact that she easily accepted marriage despite the distance is a reason you should be careful. She's looking for a helper - someone to upgrade her life.

If I were you, I would go for Lady H - that's if you’re physically attracted to her. If you’re not, step back & find someone else. But if the attraction is there (alongside those other things you mentioned before), then get closer to her. Date & vet her properly. Also, stop discussing marriage plans until you’re sure you want to be with her. She may be pretending because she sees you’re desperate to settle down. Hold off on the marriage talk with her & any other lady you meet too. Ladies are smarter than we men give them credit for.

I appreciate the perspectives shared.Especially the emphasis on peace, compatibility, and long-term values. I agree those matter far more than looks alone.

That said, I want to add some context about why Lady M remained a serious option for me and wasn’t just a superficial consideration.

For a significant period, she showed qualities that genuinely stood out:
• She wasn’t financially demanding. Despite me living abroad, she rarely asked for money. There were long stretches where I didn’t send anything meaningful and she was fine with that.
• Instead, she checked on my wellbeing and encouraged my growth especially when I was exploring opportunities for a second job. Her focus was more on my progress than financial expectations.
• She maintained a structured, faith-centered lifestyle like being active in church choir, rehearsals during the week, and consistent participation on Sundays.
• Even in disagreements, she sometimes pushed me toward self-improvement ,questioning my late outings and encouraging more meaningful use of my time. I saw that as constructive accountability rather than control.

Another situation that shaped my perspective happened when she took a bank loan to buy a car from someone she knew who was a dealer. A dispute later arose because she believed he didn’t honour the agreed terms, and I stepped in to help mediate communication.

During that process, the dealer shared certain claims about her financial dealings and past relationships. I did not take those claims as fact, because they came from someone already in conflict with her, effectively an opposing party in the dispute. My instinct was that negative narratives are common when relationships break down, so I treated the information cautiously.

Some of what he said echoed things I had previously heard through indirect channels , including claims from an ex-partner suggesting she had financially supportive connections. Again, I did not treat this as proof of wrongdoing. My position was that when people become adversaries, their accounts are naturally biased.

So my hesitation now isn’t because the positives never existed, they absolutely did.
It’s because later experiences introduced complexities that required deeper reflection about alignment and long-term compatibility.

I’m weighing both sides ,not ignoring the good, but not dismissing the concerns either.
I genuinely appreciate all the input.It’s helping me reflect more objectively.

With due respect sir, you don’t like yourself. From all the analogies drawn and with compelling evidence, it’s very obvious that Lady M is not to be considered at all. You don’t need a soothsayer. For the umpteenth time, leave Lady M alone!

Massivedick:
I appreciate the perspectives shared.Especially the emphasis on peace, compatibility, and long-term values. I agree those matter far more than looks alone.

That said, I want to add some context about why Lady M remained a serious option for me and wasn’t just a superficial consideration.

For a significant period, she showed qualities that genuinely stood out:
• She wasn’t financially demanding. Despite me living abroad, she rarely asked for money. There were long stretches where I didn’t send anything meaningful and she was fine with that.
• Instead, she checked on my wellbeing and encouraged my growth especially when I was exploring opportunities for a second job. Her focus was more on my progress than financial expectations.
• She maintained a structured, faith-centered lifestyle like being active in church choir, rehearsals during the week, and consistent participation on Sundays.
• Even in disagreements, she sometimes pushed me toward self-improvement ,questioning my late outings and encouraging more meaningful use of my time. I saw that as constructive accountability rather than control.

Another situation that shaped my perspective happened when she took a bank loan to buy a car from someone she knew who was a dealer. A dispute later arose because she believed he didn’t honour the agreed terms, and I stepped in to help mediate communication.

During that process, the dealer shared certain claims about her financial dealings and past relationships. I did not take those claims as fact, because they came from someone already in conflict with her, effectively an opposing party in the dispute. My instinct was that negative narratives are common when relationships break down, so I treated the information cautiously.

Some of what he said echoed things I had previously heard through indirect channels , including claims from an ex-partner suggesting she had financially supportive connections. Again, I did not treat this as proof of wrongdoing. My position was that when people become adversaries, their accounts are naturally biased.

So my hesitation now isn’t because the positives never existed, they absolutely did.
It’s because later experiences introduced complexities that required deeper reflection about alignment and long-term compatibility.

I’m weighing both sides ,not ignoring the good, but not dismissing the concerns either.
I genuinely appreciate all the input.It’s helping me reflect more objectively.