₦airaland Forum

Gbadugbakun:
Wait till they grow and are matured enough to handle such information, then you tell them.

WriteerNg:

---

And if you die before they grow up?

The truth gets buried with you.

Tell them today. Tomorrow is never promised.

Gbadugbakun:
You will not die in Jesus name

Lithiumite:
A lady was crying so hard because she grew up hating her father who she thought never liked or wanted her all because of the lies her mother told her about him.....she was 3 when they separated but the father used to come get her on weekends and return her Monday morning, she was really fond of him until all of a sudden without notice he never showed up again but he kept sending money for her school fees and upkeep but her mother never told her,she was too young to find out why are father just cut her off but her mum kept telling her he hated her and as moved on with another woman and had new kids.......fast forward to now she is 32 years old and just found out it was her mother that actually stopped her father from coming for her and blocked all communication and access her father could use to reach her,her father now late actually loved her and was sending money for her upkeep......she has become so bitter and swore never to forgive her mother for ruining her bond with her father just because of her own bad behaviour.

Kalatium:
This is one of the hardest realities many men never prepare for.

It is not just the pain of what happened in the marriage.
It is the responsibility of explaining it to children who were not there, who did not see what you saw, and who will naturally hear the softer version first.

Because when things fall apart, children don’t hear everything.

They hear what is safe.
They hear what is simplified.
And most times, they hear one side.

Now imagine sitting in front of your children and trying to explain:

That you discovered their mother had a child before marriage and hid it.
That you caught her being unfaithful.
That she presented one character before marriage and became someone else after.
That there were boundaries crossed you could not accept.
That there were patterns you tried to endure, but could not continue living with.

How do you say these things without damaging how they see their own mother?

Because no matter what happened between both of you, she is still their mother.

And this is where many men get stuck.

If you speak the raw truth, you risk breaking their image of her.
If you stay silent, you risk being misunderstood and judged unfairly.

So what do you do?

You choose discipline over emotion.

You don’t lie.
But you don’t weaponize the truth either.

You explain it in a way that protects their mental space without completely denying your reality.

You say:

“There were serious issues in the marriage that could not be resolved.”
“We both made decisions that led to us separating.”
“It was not a healthy situation for us to continue.”

You don’t go into graphic details.
You don’t turn it into a courtroom.
You don’t recruit your children to take sides.

Because once you do that, the damage spreads beyond the marriage.

Children are not built to carry adult conflicts.

They don’t need every detail.
They need stability.
They need emotional safety.
They need to grow without being forced to choose between parents.

And here is the difficult truth many don’t like to accept.

Your children may never fully understand your reasons.

Not now.
Maybe not even later.

Because they did not live your experience.

But maturity is not about being understood.

It is about doing what is right, even when your story is not fully told.

You can carry your truth without turning it into a weapon.

Because in the end, the goal is not to win against your ex.

The goal is to raise children who are not broken by what happened between both of you.

That is the real responsibility.

Gbadugbakun:
You will not die in Jesus name

moscow007:
Only men will have the conscience of coating the truth, especially when the kids are all girls and the mother cheated.

The woman will open mouth waaaahh!..and telling them everything on a repeat button, even add her own salt and pepper make e for sweet well well for ear!

eazzzy1:
A lot of omen do not think of this when dealing with men. They say it to the children as it is, they may even add jara.

Their mom will say her truth, you need to say yours so they can be the judge when they are older. Their minds may become biased towards their mom because you didn’t say your own story.

A mother will say her story to her toddlers but a father will think his teenagers are too young to understand.

Lithiumite:
A lady was crying so hard because she grew up hating her father who she thought never liked or wanted her all because of the lies her mother told her about him.....she was 3 when they separated but the father used to come get her on weekends and return her Monday morning, she was really fond of him until all of a sudden without notice he never showed up again but he kept sending money for her school fees and upkeep but her mother never told her,she was too young to find out why are father just cut her off but her mum kept telling her he hated her and as moved on with another woman and had new kids.......fast forward to now she is 32 years old and just found out it was her mother that actually stopped her father from coming for her and blocked all communication and access her father could use to reach her,her father now late actually loved her and was sending money for her upkeep......she has become so bitter and swore never to forgive her mother for ruining her bond with her father just because of her own bad behaviour.

Kalatium:
This is one of the hardest realities many men never prepare for.

It is not just the pain of what happened in the marriage.
It is the responsibility of explaining it to children who were not there, who did not see what you saw, and who will naturally hear the softer version first.

Because when things fall apart, children don’t hear everything.

They hear what is safe.
They hear what is simplified.
And most times, they hear one side.

Now imagine sitting in front of your children and trying to explain:

That you discovered their mother had a child before marriage and hid it.
That you caught her being unfaithful.
That she presented one character before marriage and became someone else after.
That there were boundaries crossed you could not accept.
That there were patterns you tried to endure, but could not continue living with.

How do you say these things without damaging how they see their own mother?

Because no matter what happened between both of you, she is still their mother.

And this is where many men get stuck.

If you speak the raw truth, you risk breaking their image of her.
If you stay silent, you risk being misunderstood and judged unfairly.

So what do you do?

You choose discipline over emotion.

You don’t lie.
But you don’t weaponize the truth either.

You explain it in a way that protects their mental space without completely denying your reality.

You say:

“There were serious issues in the marriage that could not be resolved.”
“We both made decisions that led to us separating.”
“It was not a healthy situation for us to continue.”

You don’t go into graphic details.
You don’t turn it into a courtroom.
You don’t recruit your children to take sides.

Because once you do that, the damage spreads beyond the marriage.

Children are not built to carry adult conflicts.

They don’t need every detail.
They need stability.
They need emotional safety.
They need to grow without being forced to choose between parents.

And here is the difficult truth many don’t like to accept.

Your children may never fully understand your reasons.

Not now.
Maybe not even later.

Because they did not live your experience.

But maturity is not about being understood.

It is about doing what is right, even when your story is not fully told.

You can carry your truth without turning it into a weapon.

Because in the end, the goal is not to win against your ex.

The goal is to raise children who are not broken by what happened between both of you.

That is the real responsibility.

Kalatium:
This is one of the hardest realities many men never prepare for.

It is not just the pain of what happened in the marriage.
It is the responsibility of explaining it to children who were not there, who did not see what you saw, and who will naturally hear the softer version first.

Because when things fall apart, children don’t hear everything.

They hear what is safe.
They hear what is simplified.
And most times, they hear one side.

Now imagine sitting in front of your children and trying to explain:

That you discovered their mother had a child before marriage and hid it.
That you caught her being unfaithful.
That she presented one character before marriage and became someone else after.
That there were boundaries crossed you could not accept.
That there were patterns you tried to endure, but could not continue living with.

How do you say these things without damaging how they see their own mother?

Because no matter what happened between both of you, she is still their mother.

And this is where many men get stuck.

If you speak the raw truth, you risk breaking their image of her.
If you stay silent, you risk being misunderstood and judged unfairly.

So what do you do?

You choose discipline over emotion.

You don’t lie.
But you don’t weaponize the truth either.

You explain it in a way that protects their mental space without completely denying your reality.

You say:

“There were serious issues in the marriage that could not be resolved.”
“We both made decisions that led to us separating.”
“It was not a healthy situation for us to continue.”

You don’t go into graphic details.
You don’t turn it into a courtroom.
You don’t recruit your children to take sides.

Because once you do that, the damage spreads beyond the marriage.

Children are not built to carry adult conflicts.

They don’t need every detail.
They need stability.
They need emotional safety.
They need to grow without being forced to choose between parents.

And here is the difficult truth many don’t like to accept.

Your children may never fully understand your reasons.

Not now.
Maybe not even later.

Because they did not live your experience.

But maturity is not about being understood.

It is about doing what is right, even when your story is not fully told.

You can carry your truth without turning it into a weapon.

Because in the end, the goal is not to win against your ex.

The goal is to raise children who are not broken by what happened between both of you.

That is the real responsibility.

Kalatium:
This is one of the hardest realities many men never prepare for.

It is not just the pain of what happened in the marriage.
It is the responsibility of explaining it to children who were not there, who did not see what you saw, and who will naturally hear the softer version first.

Because when things fall apart, children don’t hear everything.

They hear what is safe.
They hear what is simplified.
And most times, they hear one side.

Now imagine sitting in front of your children and trying to explain:

That you discovered their mother had a child before marriage and hid it.
That you caught her being unfaithful.
That she presented one character before marriage and became someone else after.
That there were boundaries crossed you could not accept.
That there were patterns you tried to endure, but could not continue living with.

How do you say these things without damaging how they see their own mother?

Because no matter what happened between both of you, she is still their mother.

And this is where many men get stuck.

If you speak the raw truth, you risk breaking their image of her.
If you stay silent, you risk being misunderstood and judged unfairly.

So what do you do?

You choose discipline over emotion.

You don’t lie.
But you don’t weaponize the truth either.

You explain it in a way that protects their mental space without completely denying your reality.

You say:

“There were serious issues in the marriage that could not be resolved.”
“We both made decisions that led to us separating.”
“It was not a healthy situation for us to continue.”

You don’t go into graphic details.
You don’t turn it into a courtroom.
You don’t recruit your children to take sides.

Because once you do that, the damage spreads beyond the marriage.

Children are not built to carry adult conflicts.

They don’t need every detail.
They need stability.
They need emotional safety.
They need to grow without being forced to choose between parents.

And here is the difficult truth many don’t like to accept.

Your children may never fully understand your reasons.

Not now.
Maybe not even later.

Because they did not live your experience.

But maturity is not about being understood.

It is about doing what is right, even when your story is not fully told.

You can carry your truth without turning it into a weapon.

Because in the end, the goal is not to win against your ex.

The goal is to raise children who are not broken by what happened between both of you.

That is the real responsibility.

Onegai:
This thread is the reason why a lot of men destroy their marriages and any potential for reconciliation.

So much bad advice.

I'll say this: speak to any man above 60 or a lawyer who works in Family Law. They will tell you who uses the children to fight.

Here's a hint: most times, it's the men.

I've seen men shed piteous tears, swearing their kids are being poisoned against them. Reality is usually different.

See, children romanticize the absent parent so any woman poisoning her children's minds against their dad is just making it easier for them to leave her in her old age.

Women has gotten wise to that fact.

Why are you telling your kids all this, what happened to "Your mum and I love you and we are so sorry things didn't work out. We will work together for your good"?

Men keep repeating this thing to themselves and when you're in the middle of separation and divorce, your emotions are a mess. You're going to make horrible decisions that you will regret. Your wife is not evil, she's in just as much pain as you are.

Stop attacking her or assuming she's planning to attack you and drawing battle lines to fight imaginary wars, only to find out you used your hand to destroy everything because of that imaginary war.

It's so painful to see, especially when you know the man.

During Separation, best thing you can do is to get a Marriage Counsellor or Elderly parent and listen to them vigorously. Kill your emotions, when you are triggered into doing something, shout and scream in your bathroom, then pour cold water on your head and be logical.

Because a lot of times when men let their emotions drive them, it's just regrets that you can never admit to.

engrchykae:
you are trying to be diplomatic until your intelligent child ask you a question you can't answer.