₦airaland Forum

Oyindamolah:
This situation sounds less like a question about where someone is from and more like a question about trust and stereotypes.

Basing expectations of a spouse on their place of origin can become a self-fulfilling problem. If one partner interprets nearly every action through that lens—whether it's spending money occasionally, expressing an opinion, or making independent decisions—it can leave the other partner feeling that they are being judged for a stereotype rather than for who they actually are.

A few observations:

* People are individuals. Cultural backgrounds can influence values, but they don't determine how every person behaves.
* Twenty-plus years together is significant. A relationship of that length provides far more evidence of a person's character than assumptions about where they come from.
* Constant suspicion can be exhausting. If someone repeatedly has to prove their loyalty despite years of commitment, it's understandable that they would feel worn down.
* Financial differences are common in marriages. One partner being more inclined to save and the other wanting occasional treats is a common dynamic across many relationships. It isn't necessarily tied to ethnicity or place of origin.

At the same time, it's also worth remembering that people develop beliefs from many sources, including personal experiences. If the husband has had experiences that shaped these views, those feelings may be real to him—but applying them broadly to his wife because of her background is unlikely to help the relationship.

If this pattern has continued for years, the couple may benefit from having an open conversation focused on specific behaviors rather than generalizations. If they're struggling to move past it on their own, a qualified couples counselor could help them address the underlying trust issues.

If you're posting this to invite discussion, you might end with a neutral question such as: "Do you think a person's place of origin is a reasonable basis for judging their commitment in marriage, or should partners be judged solely by their individual actions and character over time?"

I love your analysis and it is on point just that I see that here in Nigeria most people behave in line with where they are coming from our owambe people must love parties and our Nna people must love money, forn and "i must be better than my neighbour and everybody". And sometimes this behaviour may kick off without warning especially when it was not there before. So distrust will set in and so, it is good it is under examination cos truly this thread has sent me thinking in all directions that I never examined before

Dtruthspeaker:
This one too is there oo.

The truth be human being dey very complicated. D way we dey wired dey strange. Woman wey don stay with you for 20 years no be say you be dangote, na now you wan come dey complain.

dettolgel:
If you get ransome money just enter bus Lagos or wherever you are to ;DOnitsha. So once you get there, take the bus to Maiduguri one full day ride, and you will see parts of Enugu, Benue, Kogi, Nassara, Jos, Bauchi, a bit of Kaduna, Yobe till you get to Maiduguri. On your way back go through Kano. Stop in Kano spend a day there then head towards Cross Rivers. From there you get to Abia and PH. From PH cross the Niger over to Asaba and head to Edo, Ondo, Osun, may Kwara or Ogu.

There are lots of places to see in Nigeria, unfortunately insecurity is a big problem

Chai! I no won reach Maiduguri. My mama don finish dat place for me.
But funny i covered all the south from Obudu to Kaduna. But i have never used the east to go up north. I am always finding myself in Lagos where i have to use Ife up north and then i use Akoko edo back east or south.

Make person do marry wey i go go east and north viia Enugu

Op what are you to her

dettolgel:
The truth be human being dey very complicated. D way we dey wired dey strange. Woman wey don stay with you for 20 years no be say you be dangote, na now you wan come dey complain.

Dtruthspeaker:
I love your analysis and it is on point just that I see that here in Nigeria most people behave in line with where they are coming from our owambe people must love parties and our Nna people must love money, forn and "i must be better than my neighbour and everybody". And sometimes this behaviour may kick off without warning especially when it was not there before. So distrust will set in and so, it is good it is under examination cos truly this thread has sent me thinking in all directions that I never examined before

Our owambe people lol, you just dey over this thread dey mumu up and down. Continue dey gas your tribe people up when you finish u go face reality

She wee sleep there if it’s my opinion she requires. It seems she was never taught independence as a child.

I told her I would put up this post to get people's opinions on this matter.

Nothing like across the bridge stuff.
It's a general thing.
Every man should always prepare for anything.


A woman can be with a man for more than 25 years and wake up one morning to leave without any negative action from the man.



Sigmund Freud,one of the greatest psychoanalysts,
said that in all his career,he never knew what a woman wanted.



Capisce?

The way married women fcuck around these days is quite alarming.

The man has every reason to dey look her somehow with one eye.

Nairaland bots giran gan....

vdestro:
Na ban cause am oo. I kept getting banned for different variations of the tribes name ooo. So had to go that way. Lol.

It's across the Niger. Make dem no come ban me again lol

I thought you were referring to across the river.

WatchYourSix:
What in the flying fvck is across the bridge??

Na you no sharp.. across the bridge means the "eastern region"

poshestmina:
He suddenly doesn'trust her after over 20 years?
Na under Bridge he first marry her from? .

Make una dey leave all this foolish stories sometimes.Una dey make Nairaland reduce IQ wey I dey manage.

I sometimes dey ask myself wh8ch kind mods Seun get now. Anything goes to FP

bukatyne:
Why did your good friend's husband marry a woman from across the bridge when he doesn't trust them?

With how culturally diverse Nigeria is, he married a woman from a tribe he doesn't trust.

Na wa o!

He actually hired bus and traveled across the bridge to marry a woman he doesn't trust. Not minding insecurity and risk of accident.

Dtruthspeaker:
Na only one side this way 👉🏾 be across bridge for Nigeria na.

In other words she is a finiancial liability to oga and lowkey high maintainance but pretending not to be? Oga has seen through her oju kokoro. Lol

She should be content with what oga is currently giving her and if she isbt content she should go and work for her own money. A wife should not feel entitiled to more than what her husband can currently afford or willing to give.

She dated him and married him like that. If he pretended then thats her luck for being only after his money rather than working for her own money.

jojothaiv:
Nairaland bots giran gan....

Baje baje.

Ko de ni da fun nairaland bots including the pioneer of the idea.

vdestro:
My good friend just told me her husband does not trust her because of where she is from.

She is from the across the bridge and has been with Oga for 20+ years.

She said Oga said her people do not stay with their husbands if they fail to satisfy them financially or *sesually.

And that he knows she will leave him eventually when she is tired and that even though he appreciates that she is trying to do the right thing her across the bridge will get the better of her as people from that area are prone to doing.

She said everything she does now is read in that light even when she does things she knows the female gender does, e.g Oga believes in saving and spending on only necessaries, she supports Oga but sometimes wants to indulge, Oga says it's an across the bridge thing and not a feminine thing which she heavily disputes.

She says she is tired of being accused and of assuring Oga of her commitment and that she is not doing anything unusual for everything she does any woman would do same but Oga disputes this.

I told her I would put up this post to get people's opinions on this matter.

If she is not guilty as charged, she has nothing to worry about

You can't change people's perception about you

To everyone asking what across the bridge means. This answers it perfectly 👇

socoharley:
Na you no sharp.. across the bridge means the "eastern region"

dettolgel:
The man is just gas lighting her trying to break her down mentally and when she leaves the man will say "I said so".

She should ignore his sorry ass attempt at manipulating her and focus on herself and the kids. 10 years from now that man will be 90% dependent on her and all those side chics that are giving him moral will be no where to be found.

Hmm, that's a good take on this matter. You just might be right.

femi4:
If she is not guilty as charged, she has nothing to worry about

You can't change people's perception about you

Oh, yes. I agree.

JoeEeL:
Baje baje.

Ko de ni da fun nairaland bots including the pioneer of the idea.

As in eh, it's something else ooo

jaxxy:
In other words she is a finiancial liability to oga and lowkey high maintainance but pretending not to be? Oga has seen through her oju kokoro. Lol

She should be content with what oga is currently giving her and if she isbt content she should go and work for her own money. A wife should not feel entitiled to more than what her husband can currently afford or willing to give.

She dated him and married him like that. If he pretended then thats her luck for being only after his money rather than working for her own money.

Would you opinion be different if I told you she works? Just that she and Oga run the same business and joint account things which I wonder if it's even a good idea.

jojothaiv:
Nairaland bots giran gan....

The thing eh, e dey spoil morale

Atlantis585:
The way married women fcuck around these days is quite alarming.

The man has every reason to dey look her somehow with one eye.

That one dey sha!

favour32:
Nothing like across the bridge stuff.
It's a general thing.
Every man should always prepare for anything.


A woman can be with a man for more than 25 years and wake up one morning to leave without any negative action from the man.



Sigmund Freud,one of the greatest psychoanalysts,
said that in all his career,he never knew what a woman wanted.



Capisce?

My thought exactly but the beauty of putting it on here, is you get to see different opinions which is what this platform is for.

vdestro:
Would you opinion be different if I told you she works? Just that she and Oga run the same business and joint account things which I wonder if it's even a good idea.

She works in oga's business? Is she not paid a salary? She should use her salary for any additional luxury she thinks she wants.

By experience when girl want more or feel too enitiled but dont want to come out directly they use othee girls enjoying such things because they love to compare themselves with either their friends or other girls.

If her friends husband buys his wife a new car she automatically wants a new car from oga. Its a very bad habbit. I prefer u ask for from ur own mind than using what other people are doing or having as ur reason to ask.

MrJames007:
Op what are you to her

Her good friend as I explained in my post abi wetin dey your mind?

jaxxy:
She works in oga's business? Is she not paid a salary? She should use her salary for any additional luxury she thinks she wants.

By experience when girl want more or feel too enitiled but dont want to come out directly they use othee girls enjoying such things because they love to compare themselves with either their friends or other girls.

If her friends husband buys his wife a new car she automatically wants a new car from oga. Its a very bad habbit. I prefer u ask for from ur own mind than using what other people are doing or having as ur reason to ask.

No, she does not work in Oga's business. They both jointly started the business from the scratch and run it together.

lookinggood:
She should report this issues to her father, mother-inlaw and not you.

For her to be so close to you and tell you such issues, when there are husband family members suprise me o. Hheemmm

What are friends for?

There are certain issues that you know if you report to family their biases would just make matters worse, but for me there is no bias or anything to gain, so you are likely to get helpful responses.

vdestro:
My thought exactly but the beauty of putting it on here, is you get to see different opinions which is what this platform is for.

Absolutely correct!