₦airaland Forum

littleduck:
Thank you for the "not bad as a physicist"



I am seriously thinking to visit him, as mentioned, there are serious political issues at the moment that make the all thing even more complicated but I think this is the only way I have...

ronald4lif:
The attention comes after her again

Ma'am you already heard it from her majesty; reason with your heart not head. Finito

ronald4lif:
The attention comes after her again

Ma'am you already heard it from her majesty; reason with your heart not head. Finito

UyiIredia:
Nice poem but off-point

ivyy:
Looool

ronald4lif:


I don't think there will be any need for that I am afraid. Below are some few things you should be careful about and areas where the dots doesn't add up;

An average African is usually after European women for migration purposes and to be able to regularise their status once abroad. And in most cases they file for separation from their spouses after having their residence permit and marries from home. This doesn't apply to all of us but most are of this mentality.

The end result of this relationship or to put it bluntly his target is to emigrate to your base. Always have this in mind.

Make out time and pay him a visit and spend few weeks together, it will help you make better decisions.

Finally, an African rarely loves women that are older than them genuinely. Such a practise it's widely from by many. Simply put, we go for younger women.

Like I said earlier, be careful and I hope this works out well for you. But if it doesn't at the end of the day, please stay off online dating sites, the disadvantages far outweighs the benefits. All the best

BoboYekini:
lol, my point is that 'love' is often a game of 'what's in it for me'. My people will say 'eni afe lamo, ao mo eni to f'eni'. You know whom you love, you can never be sure who loves you.
So why not enjoy it while it lasts?

P.S. The poem isn't my original. Its by Sir Walter Raleigh (its just stuck in my head since I first read it as a strapping lad. Cynic that I am. )

littleduck:
Dear Ivyy,

I think your advice is the right one but this does not mean i tis the easy one...

ivyy:
Dear its not easy not at all but I don't think the love he says he has for you is sincere. Am not saying you shldnt keep dating him I just want you to be conscious and on the alert so that you wldnt b so devastated if anything goes wrong okay?
In short ,do not let your guard down totally protect yourself

ronald4lif:


I am sorry if I am dashing up your hopes, I understand how you feel, loving someone dearly whilst the odds of being with them are against you. But truth must be said regardless. Please, I will strongly advise you still give him the benefits of the doubts, not everyone can be judged on same standards. But while at it, endeavour to start detaching yourself from him gradually that's if the signs aren't bright. He may actually have good intentions you know.

littleduck:
truth must be said regardless....
yes

It is not that I was desperately looking for a man: I have a nice family that loves me (although I live alone and my family is not in my same country) I have very good friends that love me. People love me, I do not know exactly why, people like me "naturally" maybe because I smile and I help or who know what...my collaborators, my students they all like me. There are also a couple of men that really love me as in "being in love with me" that would support me and help me in any moment of my life. And also men that like me only for sex, if I can be so explicit...I have a very hard but fascinating and special job, I visited all continents but Australia that I am going to visit soon, I have met Nobel prizes winners, I would have never dreamt of all this when I was a child! Thus, I am poor and normal but I have a lot...and I miss something.

I have never had hopes about him the beginning was terrible, we started in a very bad way for several circumstances. It was just the game of a moment....and then it became something more complicated, hurtful, until there was a turning point, in December.
Since then it seems that things are almost growing in a "normal" healthy way but I am not sure....

You know when I look at him or at his picture the idea that somebody with such a lovely smile and face can think to hurt me is like a punch to the stomach....it is unbearable!

Ops sorry for being so lengthy...

littleduck:
He did

and I know what it means...

I will be very honest, none of my closest friends is happy with this situation
They all say I should give up speaking with him....

imas:
I think I know what you feel, it has happened to a friend of mine, he fell in love without any physical encounter, only to find out later it was a guy fooling around with him.

littleduck:
Dear All,

Ii took me a while to drop these two lines, but I need your opinion!

In August I met on the internet a truly handsome Nigerian young man. We started exchanging mails and phone calls. Things were not that smooth at the beginning, but our "relationship" turned in something (maybe) more serious beginning of December.
He is very nice, funny, I like to speak with him, and I feel "only too good" when he calls me and he wants to hear from me. Honestly, I think I am in love with him like a teenager

I started to learn about his culture as much as I can, beyond what we get in our newspapers: I discovered a wonderful country, an incredibly fascinating culture, delicious food (I cooked my first Egusi soup a couple of weeks ago, I am very proud!). I have also learned a couple of Yoruba words. I am really trying to learn/understand as much as I can (music, cinema, history…). Of course, I also discovered this absolutely nice forum looking around for info about Nigeria.

I am not famous, but I am a public person. I am a scientist, if I would give you two/three keywords about my work, you would find immediately my official homepage and know everything about me.

So…Where is the point? I am European (white), older than him (I look pretty young but numbers are numbers), and I can't have children because of a past illness. Thus, when he says that he has true feelings for me and he would like to marry me if our relationship develops in the future, I feel uncomfortable. Although I would love that all this could become true.

I told him I have never married anybody before. He said it is because it is destiny. I had to wait for him. Why destiny put the “supposed to be” man of my life so far away from me, it is certainly puzzling He said he told his family about me. If this is true, I would be the happiest woman on the world.

I really have feelings for him and care a lot about him, but I do not see any perspectives for this "relationship". Plus, I am not sure he really likes me, maybe I am only a toy for him, or even worse

So….just tell me what you think….I would really appreciate your opinion!
THX

BoboYekini:
Stop being so negative. For the record, most dating scams are where the scammer pretends to be a young attractive female and targets older males. Or pretends to be a young virile caucasian man and targets older females. Get it?

littleduck:
I'll try to see how to move this there, I am not sure I know how to deal with it...
anyway, "no man" was meant as you mean "any african mother wants to....."
Also "any" European one likes to have grandchildren, but it is not a problem.

Do you think it was funny for me when the doctors said that I had to undergo surgery and I would not have any children? I cried all my sorrow for years and it still hurts, but there are things that cannot be changed.

littleduck:
Thank you for your very wise words even if they make me cry because this is what I have learnt and I also know.
Also for Europeans a woman that is older is still a kind of no-go thus this was one of the things that worried me since the very beginning. I was absolutely terrified from this situation. He jumped into my life with his full strength, it is extremely difficult to resist him. I always do everything he wants, he looks at me with his lovely face and that is... I am lost. Nothing else matters.
I have even told him that if I will have a permanent contract I may really marry him, if things develop, but only if I will first meet his family and only if we do everything according to the Nigerian style.

so this is the situation, I am lost, it does not matter how logic and strong I am in my work this did not prevent me from all this....and honestly I do not see why I should be the lucky one the one that got the Prince....it is against all statistics....

blublahd:
like you said most, not all.
No negativity here, better safe than sorry.
I believe i read a story in family section about a white lady who got married to a nigerian dude abroad who had a child and a wife in nigeria and still went on with the white lady telling her the lady at home was an ex while his family including his mother played along to the scam.
In sum, he used the white lady to get a green passport planned to abandon her with their child till the white lady found out and brought it to the family section.

IcyIcy:
Hi, I read your little story and could share some experience. I was in the same situation like you before and had gone through all the possible stress, fear, emotional etc for years in my relationship with 2 nigerian guys. I am Asian but now happily engaged to the second nigerian boyfriend, a popular writer here in Nairaland where we met.

Firstly, I would suggest you take more time to know this person and preferably have him travel to meet you in your country first. If you want to travel to meet him first time, either arrange meeting in nearby country or make sure you have family or friends knowing your exact location at any time. Its true most nigerian guys dont date older women and they do want kids of their own but there are exceptions, knowledge of their culture and native language, ability to cook their food and house keeping are important also. The way you speak and present yourself is important too, they prefer gentle spoken, obedient, humble, giving them lots of respect and submissive woman. Aggressive, argumentation and drama will stress them out.

You mentioned his family already know about you, no offence but dont take his words for real unless you have spoken to his family personally and have their contact numbers. Most nigerian man dont present ladies to their family or bring female home unless they have intention to marry her. Its different from our white culture of inviting friends over to our family home for meals or visiting. If he starts asking for financial help or dropping hints then it might be a red flag. Its difficult for me to write everything as individual situation, senario might be different. You will be the better judge after spending more time to know him and best of luck on your african king.

wristwatch:
I have never been a fan of online relationship especially the one that has to do with white woman to African men except rare cases that work.
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It can be sure this guy really loves u and maybe not.

Op u have read stories of how your counterparts were jilted in the past. Do not add yourself to the list of the jilted by falling into his trap.

Look before u leap.

Tymax:
He said he told his family about you? Someone he met online? Come on! He is fake.

Soon, he'll suddenly have "financial problems". Then he's going to ask you to send him some money. Please don't send a dime.

We are very insistent on biological children here in Nigeria. If he says he's cool with you that way, believe me he is either lying or he has children here in Nigeria. Ask him to come to your country to visit you. Don't cover his travel expenses. If his love is deep enough to forgo children, what then is the cost of travelling abroad for love for a few days?

Don't fall for this guy. If anything looks too good to be true, it most probably is.

littleduck:
Thank you for your words!
You touched several points that are very important: I think the most important thing is to meet him. First, I asked him to come here, but I have realized that he needs an invitation letter to get the visa. This brakes me a lot: this would mean that I officially carry the responsibility of his presence in Europe. What if, hypothetically, he does not come back home or disappears? What shall I do?
Thus I thought that it would be a better idea to visit him in Benin, but this requires safe logistic and lot of information and detailed planning. I am a woman that is traveling alone. This is always an issue it does not matter where I am. in this case, it is even more important as I need to protect myself.

You mention the word respect: now this word may have different meanings depending on culture. I do not have any problem in saying that I grew up in a culture in which a couple shares the same rights and the same obligations. Thus, the idea of being submissive does not belong to me. However, I am very polite, I do not scream or shout at people, I smile, and I do avoid conflicts, I do not like discussions...they hurt me. He knows I do everything he asks me, I do all he wants because I want to make him happy, I respect him, his culture. I want to know always more and more. He knows I will be always by his side. I do not ask him jewels, gold, stuff like this. I do not mind. All this is not important for me. The only thing I asked him is do not lie to me. I can stand a lot, I have lot of understanding but I want to know the truth. Always.

Family: I completely agree with you. This is why I put the sentence in that way.

ayocool:
Actually some people dont believe or care about age in a relationship, you can be happy together regardless of age.. If you look younger than your age, you are pretty and have good manners/attitudes and you are confident that you love him enough to respect him, be humble and submissive (Just try to find out more about basic requirements that you must meet to win over a Nigerian man) you are good to go. Even if he does not love you really now, you can win him over fully with time. If you conquer every reason that will make him think of having or wanting another woman back home or over there if you finally be together, the chances of him dumping you will be slim.

If he has kids already, it would have been more convincing, but every man wants a kid someday, no matter what you do, this may eventually be the only reason he would be looking for another woman no matter how much he loves you.

Since you truly love him, and he has been there for you, giving you his time, making you happy and all, somehow you are both balanced thinking of the pros and cons. You can both help each other, he gives you happiness, you give him happiness and change his life somehow through the green card or Europe stay. Even if you die tomorrow, you wont be forgotten for the life changing and opportunity you have given to some generation with that, and then you will die happy and in love.

Its better you find a way to meet up in person, get to know each other and have a feel of reality. The first meet should come with you meeting his people and analyse how they feel about the relationship. DO NOT rush to engagement or marriage at that time.

littleduck:
Dear blublahd,
thank you!

I am "very true" and the story is true. I have not given all details (it would take a book... but it is a 100% true story)
This is right the kind of answer I need. I need to understand but I do not have enough knowledge. I am still learning. However, one of the first things I understood is exactly the "child thing" you mentioned and this worries me a lot.
This is also why I specified that point.

IcyIcy:
I understand your concern on risk of inviting him over on social visit and what if he goes missing during the period. If you both have known longer period, you would be in better position to judge if that will happen. In any case, dont rush into inviting or visiting till you are confident where this relationship leads to. There are lots to work out and if both of you can compromise from where to live, kids, financial etc. The stages leading to marriage in nigeria may differ from guys to guys or family and it may seems so strange compare to our white culture, find out his view on this matter. Example: Not all couple in nigeria went through dating before marriage, some are friends for years and the guys just propose marriage, after the lady accepts then follow with a short courtship before marriage. Also if his family permits marrying out of their tribe or non nigerian.

Respect comes in many different ways and manners, through the dealing with him you would roughly know what he expects and how to handle him. For instance, give him full respect in front of his family and friends no matter how bad the situation maybe and only discuss in privacy of you both. Respect him as the head of the family and all the decisions he makes. If argument occurs, be it his fault... let him win, let him have the final say and dont bruise his ego. Its not easy handling a nigerian man, they can be demanding, pushy, secretive, hot tempered etc but once you have won his heart and trust.. he will love and care for you like his queen.

duduade:
okay i commend you for taking a bold step... Have u ever been to Nigeria...?? If not, please take out time to come visiting the family of your man... Try to observe him in his environment... Spend time with his parents if possible let his mum know know about your inability to have a child due to an illness.. In other words, im not discouraging you rather i am encouraging you to be more careful.. Lotta hugs..

littleduck:
Thanks!

I have never been in Nigeria. I plan to travel to West Africa pretty soon if things go well.
Of course, I really want to see him in his environment. I see him at home or outside when we have video calls but this is, of course, very much different than real life, or the way he may be when/if I am there....

littleduck:
Thanks!

I have never been in Nigeria. I plan to travel to West Africa pretty soon if things go well.
Of course, I really want to see him in his environment. I see him at home or outside when we have video calls but this is, of course, very much different than real life, or the way he may be when/if I am there....