₦airaland Forum

Abuse is not always as obvious as being hit or shoved, called degrading names or cussed out. In fact, it can very well be underhanded or subtle. You may find yourself feeling confused about the relationship, off balance or like you are "walking on eggshells" all the time. This is the kind of abuse that often sneaks up on you as you become more entrenched in the relationship. I am talking here about psychological abuse, which is also known as mental or emotional abuse.

Psychological abuse occurs when a person in the relationship tries to control information available to another person with intent to manipulate that person's sense of reality or their view of what is acceptable and not acceptable. Psychological abuse often contains strong emotionally manipulative content and threats designed to force the victim to comply with the abuser's wishes. All abuse takes a severe toll on self-esteem. The abused person starts feeling helpless and possibly even hopeless. In addition, most mental abusers are adept at convincing the victim that the abuse is his/her fault. Somehow, the victim is responsible for what happened.


A more sophisticated form of psychological abuse is often referred to as "gaslighting." This happens when false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. Examples may range simply from the abuser denying that previous abusive incidents ever occurred to staging bizarre events with the intention of confusing the victim. I listened to a client tell me that her husband denied an affair after his she found a racy email to another woman on his computer and confronted him. The husband vehemently denied this and when so far as to send an email to his tech guy asking how his account could have been hacked and to fix the problem!

A common form of emotional abuse is "I love you, but..." That may sound nice at first, yet it is both a disguised criticism and a threat. It indicates, "I love you now, but if you don't stop this or that, my love will be taken away." It is a constant jab that slowly strips away your self-esteem. Abusers get a lot of reinforcement out of using the word "love" as it seems to become a magic word to control you.

Abusers at times do what I call "throw you a bone." I have heard countless times from clients that their partner was "nice," "complimentary," "gave me a gift," etc. as if it should erase all of the bad treatment. You need to understand that this is part of the dynamic and cycle of abuse. In fact, it is rare for abusive relationships to not have these (often intense) moments of feeling good, overly sincere apologies or attempts to make up for the bad behavior. The victim clings to hope when these moments occur and the abuser knows this.


Psychological abuse can look like:

1 Humiliating or embarrassing you

2 Constant put-downs

3 Hypercriticism

4 Refusing to communicate

5 Ignoring or excluding you

6 Extramarital affairs

7 Provocative behavior with opposite sex

8 Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice

9 Unreasonable jealousy

10 Extreme moodiness

11 Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you

12 Saying "I love you but..."

13 Saying things like "If you don't _____, I will_____"

14 Domination and control

15 Withdrawal of affection

16 Guilt trips

17 Making everything your fault

18 Isolating you from friends and family

19 Using money to control

20 Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her

21Threatening to commit suicide if you leave.

It is important to remember is that it is absolutely not your fault. Abusers are expert manipulators with a knack for getting you to believe that the way you are being treated is your fault. These people know that everyone has insecurities, and they use those insecurities against you. Abusers can convince you that you do not deserve better treatment or that they are treating you this way to "help" you. Some abusers even act quite charming and nice in public so that others have a good impression of them. In private is a different story, which is also quite baffling.

If you see yourself in these words, know that there is little hope for your relationship to improve. It would take a monumental amount of insight and motivation for the abuser to change and unfortunately, this is rarely the case. If you are in an abusive relationship, I urge you to get out and with professional help if needed. Often the first step in leaving the abuser is obtaining counseling just to rebuild your esteem so that you can leave. I particularly want you to know that you may "love" this person, but that they do not "love" you or respect you. I assure you that in time you will get over this person if you break it off. You will be making the right decision...no looking back.


http://www.yourtango.com/experts/marni-feuerman/signs-abusive-relationship#.VCwt3pRdX40

Dimples192:
I can't believe some people are proud that they haven't read the op.

I've experienced a relationship where I thought I was going mad. I knew something was wrong. I had evidence and all he would tell me is how much he loves me and that I have the trust issues. He would say if I don't stop feeling like this way then our relationship would be over and it would be my fault. Mind games are the worst form of abuse because you dnt know that it's happening. Sometimes your loved ones would see the change in you and they dnt like your partner but because no one could put a finger on the problem it goes on slowly killing you from the inside.

I would say follow your instinct and if you don't feel good don't let anyone convince you other wise. You should feel secure and supported in a relationship. Look out for those who play mind games. I hate that I am now a professional at mind games because I learnt from the best. My challenge now is to control that and not to put someone else through what I went through.

Dimples192:
I can't believe some people are proud that they haven't read the op.

I've experienced a relationship where I thought I was going mad. I knew something was wrong. I had evidence and all he would tell me is how much he loves me and that I have the trust issues. He would say if I don't stop feeling like this way then our relationship would be over and it would be my fault. Mind games are the worst form of abuse because you dnt know that it's happening. Sometimes your loved ones would see the change in you and they dnt like your partner but because no one could put a finger on the problem it goes on slowly killing you from the inside.

I would say follow your instinct and if you don't feel good don't let anyone convince you other wise. You should feel secure and supported in a relationship. Look out for those who play mind games. I hate that I am now a professional at mind games because I learnt from the best. My challenge now is to control that and not to put someone else through what I went through.

ronald4lif:
A good read there. Was reluctant to read but had to after reading this.

Dimples192:
Good I'm glad I enticed you that's one of my many talents

It's a really good read thou it's a wide spectrum but it's all forms of abuse.

Do you think we are getting weaker as a people because everything seems to be abuse when it's misused. We only use to worry about physical abuse.

With psycological and emotional abuse it's an equal playground for both sexes. I've met women who mentally abuse their men using the children or sex as a weapons. It's horrible.

Lol! I see you got exceptional talents then. Now I see where my chairman ipledge got the obsession from.

Emotional blackmailers are skillful manipulators. To me they're the worst and sadly there's no punishable law for such people. They frequently wind up threatening their partner in order to get their way, or burying their partner under a load of guilt and self-reproach when they don’t. In such relationships, we keep our focus on the other person’s needs at the expense of our own, just to make it work. Victims of emotional blackmail avoid conflict, confrontation and the power struggle just for a chance of a healthy relationship.

They regularly ignore or discount one needs, feelings and desires. Imagine loving these person sincerely, longing for their care, touch and love but all they have to offer you is blackmail, torture and ensure you cry your hearts out. Nothing can be compared to such an act, very despicable and heartless. They keep threatening to end the relationship, threaten to make life more difficult for someone who got much love for them. Some even threaten to hurt themselves. And one would expect someone going through such a torture to not bat an eyelid whether the same person who despise them hurts themselves, but no matter what they do you still love them more. This is how bad it can get.

Because this wicked blackmailers know their partner vulnerabilities and deepest secrets they often use it to taunt their partners and get their compliance to whatever they demand.

You see, this is why relationship scholars, counsellors or experienced women of a certain mature age will always laugh when they see young adults girls keeps attaching so much importance on money in a relationship or make it a very top criteria to loving a man. Most of them forget that no matter the riches and luxury it's never a guarantee to a happy and sustainable relationship/marriage. When there's an emotional abuse all those luxury become worthless.

As worst as physical abuse may seem I'm of the opinion that emotional abuse or blackmail is the worse anyone should be faced with.

ronald4lif:
Lol! I see you got exceptional talents then. Now I see where my chairman ipledge got the obsession from.

Emotional blackmailers are skillful manipulators. To me they're the worst and sadly there's no punishable law for such people. They frequently wind up threatening their partner in order to get their way, or burying their partner under a load of guilt and self-reproach when they don’t. In such relationships, we keep our focus on the other person’s needs at the expense of our own, just to make it work. Victims of emotional blackmail avoid conflict, confrontation and the power struggle just for a chance of a healthy relationship.

They regularly ignore or discount one needs, feelings and desires. Imagine loving these person sincerely, longing for their care, touch and love but all they have to offer you is blackmail, torture and ensure you cry your hearts out. Nothing can be compared to such an act, very despicable and heartless. They keep threatening to end the relationship, threaten to make life more difficult for someone who got much love for them. Some even threaten to hurt themselves. And one would expect someone going through such a torture to not bat an eyelid whether the same person who despise them hurts themselves, but no matter what they do you still love them more. This is how bad it can get.

Because this wicked blackmailers know their partner vulnerabilities and deepest secrets they often use it to taunt their partners and get their compliance to whatever they demand.

You see, this is why relationship scholars, counsellors or experienced women of a certain mature age will always laugh when they see young adults girls keeps attaching so much importance in a relationship or make it a very top criteria to loving a man. Most of them forget that no matter the riches and luxury it's never a guarantee to a happy and sustainable relationship/marriage. When there's an emotional abuse all those luxury become worthless.

As worst as physical abuse may seem I'm of the opinion that emotional abuse or blackmail is the worse anyone should be faced with.

Ipledge:
No i just love her

ronald4lif:
Naso boss. Una love too strong. No let love breakers put asunder ohh.

ronald4lif:
Lol! I see you got exceptional talents then. Now I see where my chairman ipledge got the obsession from.

Emotional blackmailers are skillful manipulators. To me they're the worst and sadly there's no punishable law for such people. They frequently wind up threatening their partner in order to get their way, or burying their partner under a load of guilt and self-reproach when they don’t. In such relationships, we keep our focus on the other person’s needs at the expense of our own, just to make it work. Victims of emotional blackmail avoid conflict, confrontation and the power struggle just for a chance of a healthy relationship.

They regularly ignore or discount one needs, feelings and desires. Imagine loving these person sincerely, longing for their care, touch and love but all they have to offer you is blackmail, torture and ensure you cry your hearts out. Nothing can be compared to such an act, very despicable and heartless. They keep threatening to end the relationship, threaten to make life more difficult for someone who got much love for them. Some even threaten to hurt themselves. And one would expect someone going through such a torture to not bat an eyelid whether the same person who despise them hurts themselves, but no matter what they do you still love them more. This is how bad it can get.

Because this wicked blackmailers know their partner vulnerabilities and deepest secrets they often use it to taunt their partners and get their compliance to whatever they demand.

You see, this is why relationship scholars, counsellors or experienced women of a certain mature age will always laugh when they see young adults girls keeps attaching so much importance on money in a relationship or make it a very top criteria to loving a man. Most of them forget that no matter the riches and luxury it's never a guarantee to a happy and sustainable relationship/marriage. When there's an emotional abuse all those luxury become worthless.

As worst as physical abuse may seem I'm of the opinion that emotional abuse or blackmail is the worse anyone should be faced with.