₦airaland Forum

steeze:
Hey guys, update on what's been happening. I've got a steady job now. Pays about 60k plus accommodation. I'm starting on Monday by God's special grace. At least it's a start.

Now, since I put up the last thread concerning what's been happening with me and my girl (check my profile), I've been trying to make amends. Been trying really really hard. Most times she wouldn't pick my calls, sometimes she would pick and allow my credit to burn out, other times she would pick up and scream at me to leave her alone to move on with her life. No one from her family picks my calls now, they are in ignore mode. Eventually, I had to make out time to buy a few baby clothes and some jewelry for her and went to meet her at her house earlier today.

She was surprised to see me but still was reiterating everything that happened for which I'd apologised a million times over before. I just feel that a man has to be a man, not under anybody. She was bathing the baby, and when she finished she wouldn't let me hold him, not even once.

There is a man staying with her in the house - her mother's boyfriend's elder brother (it's that complicated). He was most emphatic on refusing to let me hold my baby. He seemed to have grown so attached even. I sat there looking so confused not knowing what else to say or do. Sure I messed up, but is there any sin that is too great to deny a father his son? Or the chance to start a real family? Or another chance with his mom?

In the last thread I mentioned that my girl's mother was a single mom and couldn't seem to hold a man down as they always ran off eventually and never returned, and a lot of people almost ate my head off, as if the attributes of the mom would hold no bearing or impact on the daughter. I mentioned something about breaking a generational cycle but I can see that I have already failed. She has determined to raise the child without me, and another cycle is now in effect. I know the effect not having her dad (he never cared a bit for them) around had on her in our earlier years.

Eventually she asked me to leave as she had some business to attend to. As I hung around forlornly, wondering whether to leave or not, I met a woman who recognised me and asked where I had been all this while. She told me that the man (her mom's boyfriend's elder brother) and my girl had been living together like a couple since I'd left and anytime she asked about me they would say I traveled or I went to school. Soon the story changed to them telling her that the man staying with her was her husband and I was his younger brother. Eventually the situation changed to them avoiding her altogether, and she soon got the message and learned to mind her business too.

The man should be 47 years but has a youthful look and could somewhat pass for my elder brother since we are both fair skinned. The way he held my baby like it was his, I can only estimate that it's just a matter of time before they start sleeping with each other. I may be wrong but at this point I don't really care anymore. I am only saying things as they happened. I asked her if she really wanted the baby to grow up without the father and she told me that he (the baby) is not complaining. She said a lot of other stuffs, but I will take it sha.

Questions:

Was I wrong to want to stand on my own two feet as a man?

Was I wrong for accepting the responsibility for the pregnancy in the first place? (The baby is mine please, there's no question about that)

Was what I did so bad to be undeserving of forgiveness and reconciliation?

Come to think about it, why was there so much pressure for me to take the job in the first place? (I already had my vision and career path mapped out and I'm currently on that path by God's grace)

My salary while working for the mom was 25k, and she rubbed it in my face at every turn that she doesn't pay anybody else in the company such a huge amount of money and made it seem like she was doing me a huge favor, acting like I had never held 25k in my life. Please note that I do not in any way seem wretched, desperate or poverty stricken. So even if I wanted to continue to tough it out and work with her, there was no motivation. The money I make on the streets and while hustling far exceeds that. In time I never even had time to work for myself, only the mom - for 25k. And I had my pride and self dignity to protect. While leaving to sort my life out in February, I never collected that month's salary to show the mom that that wasn't my problem. My girl was 8 months old at the time. No one acknowledges the fact that I stuck by her for so long through all the degradation and humiliation while she lapped up all her family's love and support. I was in a strange territory and she couldn't see the sacrifices I was making for her. She was the one that eventually succeeded in making me take the job.

I repeat - N25,000... Not N250,000.



I'm willing to answer any questions you may have for me. If you want to insult me and judge me that's fine as well. I just want to know what the public opinion is. Remember there is a child's life at stake here.

Please do NOT move this to frontpage. Thank you all.

steeze:
Hey guys, update on what's been happening. I've got a steady job now. Pays about 60k plus accommodation. I'm starting on Monday by God's special grace. At least it's a start.

Now, since I put up the last thread concerning what's been happening with me and my girl (check my profile), I've been trying to make amends. Been trying really really hard. Most times she wouldn't pick my calls, sometimes she would pick and allow my credit to burn out, other times she would pick up and scream at me to leave her alone to move on with her life. No one from her family picks my calls now, they are in ignore mode. Eventually, I had to make out time to buy a few baby clothes and some jewelry for her and went to meet her at her house earlier today.

She was surprised to see me but still was reiterating everything that happened for which I'd apologised a million times over before. I just feel that a man has to be a man, not under anybody. She was bathing the baby, and when she finished she wouldn't let me hold him, not even once.

There is a man staying with her in the house - her mother's boyfriend's elder brother (it's that complicated). He was most emphatic on refusing to let me hold my baby. He seemed to have grown so attached even. I sat there looking so confused not knowing what else to say or do. Sure I messed up, but is there any sin that is too great to deny a father his son? Or the chance to start a real family? Or another chance with his mom?

In the last thread I mentioned that my girl's mother was a single mom and couldn't seem to hold a man down as they always ran off eventually and never returned, and a lot of people almost ate my head off, as if the attributes of the mom would hold no bearing or impact on the daughter. I mentioned something about breaking a generational cycle but I can see that I have already failed. She has determined to raise the child without me, and another cycle is now in effect. I know the effect not having her dad (he never cared a bit for them) around had on her in our earlier years.

Eventually she asked me to leave as she had some business to attend to. As I hung around forlornly, wondering whether to leave or not, I met a woman who recognised me and asked where I had been all this while. She told me that the man (her mom's boyfriend's elder brother) and my girl had been living together like a couple since I'd left and anytime she asked about me they would say I traveled or I went to school. Soon the story changed to them telling her that the man staying with her was her husband and I was his younger brother. Eventually the situation changed to them avoiding her altogether, and she soon got the message and learned to mind her business too.

The man should be 47 years but has a youthful look and could somewhat pass for my elder brother since we are both fair skinned. The way he held my baby like it was his, I can only estimate that it's just a matter of time before they start sleeping with each other. I may be wrong but at this point I don't really care anymore. I am only saying things as they happened. I asked her if she really wanted the baby to grow up without the father and she told me that he (the baby) is not complaining. She said a lot of other stuffs, but I will take it sha.

Questions:

Was I wrong to want to stand on my own two feet as a man?

Was I wrong for accepting the responsibility for the pregnancy in the first place? (The baby is mine please, there's no question about that)

Was what I did so bad to be undeserving of forgiveness and reconciliation?

Come to think about it, why was there so much pressure for me to take the job in the first place? (I already had my vision and career path mapped out and I'm currently on that path by God's grace)

My salary while working for the mom was 25k, and she rubbed it in my face at every turn that she doesn't pay anybody else in the company such a huge amount of money and made it seem like she was doing me a huge favor, acting like I had never held 25k in my life. Please note that I do not in any way seem wretched, desperate or poverty stricken. So even if I wanted to continue to tough it out and work with her, there was no motivation. The money I make on the streets and while hustling far exceeds that. In time I never even had time to work for myself, only the mom - for 25k. And I had my pride and self dignity to protect. While leaving to sort my life out in February, I never collected that month's salary to show the mom that that wasn't my problem. My girl was 8 months old at the time. No one acknowledges the fact that I stuck by her for so long through all the degradation and humiliation while she lapped up all her family's love and support. I was in a strange territory and she couldn't see the sacrifices I was making for her. She was the one that eventually succeeded in making me take the job.

I repeat - N25,000... Not N250,000.



I'm willing to answer any questions you may have for me. If you want to insult me and judge me that's fine as well. I just want to know what the public opinion is. Remember there is a child's life at stake here.

Please do NOT move this to frontpage. Thank you all.

Onegai:
OP, you are young and that girl is young. The level of immaturity from both of you is pretty high (those your texts almost made me smile. Almost).
I'm going to say this to you. I have 3 friends, and some cousins whose dads left as children. None of them bothered to look for them. I have several people I know, the only reason they looked for their father was financial. So far, it is only in movies children dream off reconciling with their absentee parent and that dream remains till adulthood. They wonder, but they get older and realise they would not have left in their parents' shoes. We will not be there to help you when the day the boy doesn't show up comes.
Are you willing to take that chance?
Don't go there alone next time. if I were advising your girl, I would mention my concern that so far, it seems your entire family don't want the baby so they cannot be bothered to show up with you. That has always been glaring since the whole thing started so you can't blame her that she may have been fed that thought by someone and is listening to bad advise from her mum.
That child has 2 sets of grandparents and one set has to step up if the other set isn't. I don't know who will dare stop a grandmother from caring for a baby.
I will add that when my bf pulled kinda the same stunt you pulled and walked away mid-pregnancy, he sent a humble apologising message which I did not reply. Then his mother called me. Today we are married. So learn what you will from that.
As for the man acting possessive or not, that is not your immediate concern. Your immediate concern is your son. And btw picture yourself (all cocky and pluck-ful of childish bravado, swaggering in half-scared after running out on a pregnant gf) in the eyes of a much older experienced man. That's why that fellow bullied you. Lack of Self-assurance is very easy to spot. A self-assured guy would have entered that compound calmly, with some humbleness and strength and that man will have felt like a fool and left a situation which is none of his business.
I'm being honest and tough with you. You have growing up to do and it is more dire because now there's a child involved.
So please sit down and think. And make some decisions based on that. If you still wish to go to court no problem. But this situation can be solved easier than that.
I will repeat, none of those kids whose fathers left ever bothered to look for their dad.

dinachi:
@ Steeze.My guy, you are finally getting the message. Your baby mama and her witch of a mother are on a mission to make your life miserable. Don't let them! Any woman asking you to stick it out with all the trash you have been put through is just a total replica of your baby mamas mother. For emphasis do not for your life pay any attention to any iota of advice from babyosisi. She has wrecked so many homes of gullible people who were stupid enough to pay any attention to her evil advice. The more I read about the life of your baby mamas mother, the more I see the true babyosisi. There is absolutely no difference between the two. Taking any advice from babyosisi is like taking advice from your baby mamas mother.
The social welfare angle is a smart move I think you should make. Please hold your head high anywhere you go. Do not let anyone judge you. Your family is right too. I have seen it so many times. The child will always look for their father and will eventually hate their mother for keeping him from you. In the end you emerge the winner. Keep ignoring them but try and be sending money via the social welfare route to your child. I bet you after sometime, she too go tire and start begging. Happy, you got a job now.

dinachi:
Children always look for their dads. I am sure you watch Trisha shows.The only thing I advise Op is to make sure he sends money and use social welfare to get visiting rights. That baby mama does not deserve him period. If she truly loved him, she would have mellowed by now. Like mother like daughter.Op should concentrate on making money and being successful. No be ugly oshiomwhole marry model today. Op even went too far trying to visit again. If Na me, they will get an invitation from social welfare and I get my visitation rights. I will never speak to the lady again.

andromida:
Yes you came back but the damage had been done.

It does not have to be my brother even me i will reject that kind of job so i think you did the right thing by rejecting the job.The problem is you left your pregnant GF to deal with whatever shows up however she deems fit and she did her best, is doing the best she can to the best of her knowledge how can you not see that? and yes what you did was terrible. You didn't have to reject her because you rejected the job they were two separate issues.

Do you know how she must have felt to suddenly realize the love of her life had abandoned her and she was going to be a single mom with her mother probably telling her all kinds of things. Forget her mother being there she must have felt alone i understand you could not see past your own pain and it seemed you were fighting for your life but at the end you did what you did and now another man is fathering your child this is the consequence of your own action just own it no need to drag her mother's reputation in mud just to justify your actions.
Sincerely i think you need to move on the child is better off with the mom for now you can check in and do what you can time and your actions may soften her feelings towards you and if she does not soften towards you mistakes made lessons learnt.

moca:
Bia david,take am easy.



@op,life is what u make of it.
Anger,hot temper never get u there.
Patience,and endurance are great virtues.

My assertion is that u are mostly angry at the other guy. Jealous I guess and u have made a costly mistake because of that.
Remember,ur babymama's life don't revolve around u.so the earlier u get used to the men in her life the better.
What took u to their house was to make peace.
If it involves kneeling down to beg the mum, u should have done so.
Why did u go alone?
An elder was supposed to have gone with u.
D elder will call on the mum and ur gal to be present. Believe u me,that guy will not be among them when the deliberation is going on.
D elder will ofcourse scold u in their presence, then beg. U can go on ur knee. No present. Go home. Go again with d elder like 3 times.
Then u can start calling.
Unless that gal is a devil,she will fight her mum on ur behalf.

Now u have messed it up.
U r damn too proud.

And some guys r hailing u.


Gals wisen up.
This case is even better. At least the gal has support.
Condom is 30bucks abi 20bucks only.

How many babymama's finally get to their desired dream?

I love u and errrect prickk should not make u lose focus of ur future.
It's mostly a man's world.

moca:
Bia david,take am easy.



@op,life is what u make of it.
Anger,hot temper never get u there.
Patience,and endurance are great virtues.

My assertion is that u are mostly angry at the other guy. Jealous I guess and u have made a costly mistake because of that.
Remember,ur babymama's life don't revolve around u.so the earlier u get used to the men in her life the better.
What took u to their house was to make peace.
If it involves kneeling down to beg the mum, u should have done so.
Why did u go alone?
An elder was supposed to have gone with u.
D elder will call on the mum and ur gal to be present. Believe u me,that guy will not be among them when the deliberation is going on.
D elder will ofcourse scold u in their presence, then beg. U can go on ur knee. No present. Go home. Go again with d elder like 3 times.
Then u can start calling.
Unless that gal is a devil,she will fight her mum on ur behalf.

Now u have messed it up.
U r damn too proud.

And some guys r hailing u.


Gals wisen up.
This case is even better. At least the gal has support.
Condom is 30bucks abi 20bucks only.

How many babymama's finally get to their desired dream?

I love u and errrect prickk should not make u lose focus of ur future.


It's mostly a man's world.

cococandy:
Op you've heard. Don't abandon your baby and hope he will come looking for you. Bad idea and too risky.
That man will swoop in and save the day as the good guy who stepped up when you abandoned them (that's the story he will be told)
Don't let anyone intimidate you and take your child from you.

The lord is your strength.

edwife:
Discretion reader advised.

PG 18....

babyosisi:
I feel for the guy sha but pride may be his undoing

For those telling him to forget the woman and the child will come looking for him,I have no clue that myth still exists
If you keep away from your child and have no part in their upbringing,you lose out big time
You can't recapture those growing up years and when they are grown they may or may not look for you
And when they do look for you and find you,they may not like you either and may want nothing to do with you
Their opinion and perceptions are already formed and you may or may not be welcome into it
That is a fact
People have more allegiance to the people that raised them
Some children are closer to the grandmas that raised them than the mother that gave birth to them and somehow someone believes that being a biological father is enough
If that hefty man in that house nurtures him ,he can even decide to adopt him legally and give the child his name and the absent father will have no recourse.
He hasn't tried enough

moca:
Edwife,
.

moca:
I read his first thread though I didn't comment.

The guy is suffering from acute jealousy syndrome(whatever that means).
That's a feature of instability and immaturity.

And he is too childish and proud.
Guys that know what they want stoop low,take shyte and as long as they get their heart's desire,will endure.

Jacob endured another 7 harsh yrs from laban.
In this case,he want to be around his child in his formative yrs so he should endure.

The baby mamma did what 90% of ladies who were in her shoe will do.
It's expected and normal. Infact,i will be concerned if she didn't show any emotion at all. That means they r progressing.

Then Mr nollywood went home and spoilt it.
How old u r,ur bank account and being able to father a child r not what u use to differentiate men from boys.

Guy,u r still a boy.

moca:
He didn't know this.

What happened would have been evaded had he gone with his people.
Abi he no get family?
It has passed the stage of him,his gal and her mum.

Let him continue to listen to people like dinachi that can't hold down a relationship
He will soon advise her to go and beat up the girl plus the baby

Onegai:
I will repeat, none of those kids whose fathers left ever bothered to look for their dad.

StPete:
OP you need a smack on your head.
For crying out loud, you’re just giving her every reason to push you away and that’s why she’s acting the way she is. Man-up, don’t be a girl! If she doesn’t want you in her life or the child’s, there is practically nothing you can do.
Move on, get another girl, start your own family. When your baby grows up, he/she’d come out to look for his/her father, then and there you can explain situation of things to her. The more you push and clamour for the child, the more she takes the child away.

anonimi:
Barack Hussein Obama, POTUS, was different.

moca:
He didn't know this.

What happened would have been evaded had he gone with his people.
Abi he no get family?
It has passed the stage of him,his gal and her mum.

Onegai:
My dear, ask yourself this "have I ever seen a picture of Obama and his father until he decided to run for something and realised he could package the story and that man, write "Dreams of My Father" and make myself the underdog in a tough election?" Things look very different when you are watching tv abroad than in real life. Obama met the guy a couple of times in his life, but the whole world can tell you his mother's name without Google: Ann Soetoro. During his election period, when Obama was pulling all that stunt, we in the US were passing out with laughter. We that have relatives whose fathers were Nigerian and left and have heard what they really honestly think could not believe how Africans swallowed that story hook, line and sinker.

Or abi you want me to convince my brother to sign in on NL so he can tell you how much closer he got to his siblings after his father died, and not all those random awkward visits to Nigeria? Or I should convince my cousins, friends and others to do the same? Or I should tell you about how the only time I ever met my cousin's dad was at his wedding (he was age 35) and till now none of those cousins have ever bothered to change their lastname to their absentee father's own? When my other cousin wanted to get married, I remember being confused as to whose family house she would leave from. And she had a father alive o. Even in my hubby's family, same thing. Or shall I tell you of all my other relatives, who are the absentee fathers in the picture, and how much bribing they bribed to get their kids to accept them (expensive stuff that the child takes grudgingly)?

Children rarely forgive, and as adults all they do is grudgingly understand. I've seen it so many times that I merely shake my head at the naivety behind the sentence "when the child grows up he will look for his father". I wonder why Mario Balotelli hasn't reverted to a Ghanian lastname.

You don't want to find out the hard way that some myths are very painful.

1988
Barack Obama is now 26 years old. Before beginning his law studies, he decides to visit Kenya. He arrives in the village of Alego, situated on Lake Victoria, his father's hometown. He arrives there because he knows very little of his father. He wants to know who his father was, so he can understand his own identity. In Alego, Barack Obama meets his late father's family for the first time. He meets his grandmother and half siblings, cousins, nieces and nephews. The trip to Kenya helps Barack Obama realize the struggles that his father went through. It gives Barack a sense that the work he is doing is directly connected to his Kenyan family and their struggles. Barack Obama says: "[the visit] helped unify my outward self with my inward self in an important way."


Source: http://www.barack-obama-timeline.com/

cococandy:
It is clear you have a crush on Babyosisi.
I can't read a post from you where you're not jerking off to her moniker whether she mentioned you or not

Nna jiri ya nwayo.

babyosisi:
Instead of him to contact me privately and tell me sugar mummy is hungrying him ,he is using gra gra to express his love
He thinks it's every lady that likes the agbero type
I like classy men with just a tinge of agbero
I don't like them straight up gangsta

cococandy:
his family don't support. What is he going to do?

He can't force them to like the girl and the child.

steeze:
@onegal

I wasn't scared, but one needs to be at alert when walking into enemy territory. I left there on very bad terms, so I couldn't rule out the possibility of any form of attack. It wouldn't make sense to drag the baby or continue insisting on carrying the baby when both the mother and the man had insisted otherwise. That would be looking for trouble when I'm trying to sue for peace. I had laid eyes on my son and that was enough for me. My ex herself had refused so I'm not sure what else i should have done. I'm no pushover but I no get time for wahala. If me and the man had gotten into an altercation it would still be held against me after all na me enter their house. It is because of my safety that I didn't inform them beforehand of my coming so they wouldn't have the time to plan anything against me. I may be paranoid but anything is possible.

And I can't take any of my family members there because they do not approve of the relationship due to all that they noticed and observed. What our elders see sitting down we can't see even when climbing on the highest tree.

Despite their insistence that I close the whole chapter and move on with my life, I still wanted to try to make things work with my ex and see if we can resolve things together and independently without her family's interference. Only when I was sure of her loyalty towards me would I be willing to bring my family in. Believe me, if I insisted tomorrow that she is the one for me and I want to marry her my family would have no choice than to fall in line. But until then I don't want to put my family through any insult or embarrassment. And I don't want them telling me that they told me so. If I'm not yet certain in my heart that she's the one for me, why would I want my mom to be involved in the whole drama? I need to respect and look out for them too.

Your husband must have been convinced that you were his wife, which is why he involved his mom. I have no such conviction. From the moment I got to know her family there were too many red flags, so tell me why I would involve mine?

Now if we had been able to thrash things out properly, acknowledge and apologise for our mistakes, agree on the way forward, and reaffirm our dedication to one another, I would move heaven and earth to be with her. Issues left unresolved in a relationship are bound to come up again. I realise my mistakes, and I'm trying hard to work on myself.

My major problem with my personality is that I am slow to anger, I will talk and talk and tell you what I don't like, this could be jokingly or seriously, any style that I pray it sha enters. When that doesn't work, I will begin to stomach it and may occasionally act out through passive aggressive behaviour. BUT the day I finally reach breaking point anything you see you take, cos I've been telling you beforehand. I was in this state when I pulled that crazy stunt and walked out and told her never to call me again. You are not wrong to say that I'm young and proud and most likely immature. The most important thing is that I've realised my mistakes and it will take a while before I let myself get angry like that again. But has she realised her mistakes? Does she acknowledge the role she had to play in all of this? Is she willing to play her own part to ensure that something like this never happens again? These are questions that I can not overlook.

I admit that I could have put in more effort in trying to win her back, I could have insisted and invited my parents and a few elders over to meet her family to work things out despite all their warnings to the contrary. But I have to be very sure of her first before I make such a huge commitment. If I'm marrying her I'm marrying her and not her mother. We have to be on the same page. For now she's still playing the victim and blaming me while I just don't have it in me to keep on begging. However I will care for my son in any capacity that I can.

I'm swimming against the tide here: My family doesn't approve, her family hates my guts and want a sign of something serious, I can't get through to my girl who only does what her mom tells her.

My relationship had not yet reached the level of maturity and certainty that yours had attained Onegal. If we had sorted things out we might have, but for now not yet. Na to siddon dey look sure pass for now...

My opinion may be horribly wrong but this is just my honest perspective on this issue.

cococandy:
his family don't support. What is he going to do?

He can't force them to like the girl and the child.

babyosisi:
Did you at least grab a snapshot if the baby

babyosisi:
Did he say so?
They want him to forget the baby

steeze:
Thank you very much for pointing this out to everyone. I have already stated their stand on this matter.

I really need to be sure of her before taking any concrete step.

steeze:
Got pictures on my phone.

klark3:
Best advise!

@ steeze u are acting like a woman, man up jor, u're man. When d ryte time comes, u son will come looking for u...

They are just helping u to take care of d boy. I want u to know dat when a child is with d mother, d chances of mistreatment is very slim, because women are d problem, when it comes to child abuse. Don't worry about d man, men no get time for such things, move on & stop forcing urself on dem...

Too many feminine men these days sef....