RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! - Family - Nairaland
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Their Marriage Was Based On Deceit. / How Do I Overcome This Deceit? / Baby Deceit Cost Ex-wife £100,000 (2) (3) (4)
| RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by nowwhat: 3:21pm On May 22, 2015 |
[size=8pt][/size]So u can read my story on previous threads, but long story short, for the last year we've talked of reconciling, he wanted me n kids to move to him, 10 hrs away. I dragged my feet, and he decided to move here. So I drove 10 hrs to his place to help him pack our belongings and bring him back. Once the trailer was loaded he dropped the bomb that 4 yrs ago he cheated on me once. The girl pressed assault charges and here's the answer why I haven't been getting money all these years for d kids, it's all goin to his lawyer. So he didn't return with me, he told the dear boys he was coming and then it's all a lie. He still wants to find work in my area and reconcile with me , but I'm so frustrated. How could he lie to me this long!! Not sure if I mentioned this previously but about half year after we were married I cheated once. ( I was so sick living in strange city and him being gone all night and then when home always playing chess online) But I will take blame.i confessed some months later... So I haven't been perfect either. I love him I hate him, I want him here, I want him gone! The hardest thing is when I went to get him the boys were so excited. Then I had to phone them and say he's not coming. I do not believe he's guilty of assault, the girl is Australian and went back, (she was abused wen younger so prob anything feels like assault.) The trial is in nov. He has lots to pay lawyer before then. Do I welcome him here if he finds work, and forgive n forget! How do I trust! I believe him he's truly sorry, did it only once and says time and again he just wants a fresh start. What do i do  |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by Joel3(m): 3:50pm On May 22, 2015 |
haha. since 21 century marriage has always be a scam. I love him and I love her is nothing but mere emotions. emotions do die. and once it died hence marriage break. those who still remain in marriage only knows how to manage emotions. there is no love and it will never be. it only exist on selfish interest. 1 Like 1 Share |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by VintageCocktail(m): 4:21pm On May 22, 2015 |
When writing stories please start with " once upon a time.......bla bla.....so it can be more coherent. From what I can gather ...welcome him back and give him a second chance. 1 Like |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by edwife(f): 5:56pm On May 22, 2015 |
Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future ,may the church says AMEN! 2 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by Ewuro4: 7:13pm On May 22, 2015 |
edwife: Amen! Nowwhat, the fact that you're not a saint yourself in this marriage nullifies your righteousness. But since you still have feelings for him and willing to move him back to your place then I'd say give him a second chance... Atleast For kids sake. Support him and fight this together like family. Hopefully this ordeal will bond your relationship even stronger as you forge ahead. I've heard similar case.There's nothing new under the sun. 2 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by Nobody: 7:38pm On May 22, 2015 |
Since he's truly sorry, then forgive. . Give him another chance. . Remember he forgave you when you erred. .. |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by greatgod2012(f): 3:08am On May 23, 2015 |
edwife: I love this quote............saving it right away! @op.......remember that we're all sinners saved by grace! Hope you understand! It is well! |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by cococandy(f): 3:40am On May 23, 2015 |
Pls where's the previous story? Well since you said he forgave you when you cheated, pls accord him the same consideration. (I don't know what your full story is) but if your main concern is that he lied about it for so long, the. you need to tell him that's the area that bothers you and you need to find out if there's anything else he's not telling you. If you believe he's really innocent about assaulting that girl, now is when he needs you most. |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by Nobody: 4:45am On May 23, 2015 |
nowwhat: You cheated and he cheated,you have no moral grounds to judge him You are both even Forgive yourselves and move on 2 Likes |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by RoyalRoy(m): 7:41am On May 23, 2015 |
You want him and you dont want to forgive his past? What's wrong with a man being honest? What if he never told you? You want to judge him for something U have been guilty of once before? I have non advice for you. Do as your mind tells you!! |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by RoyalRoy(m): 7:41am On May 23, 2015 |
You want him and you dont want to forgive his past? What's wrong with a man being honest? What if he never told you? You want to judge him for something U have been guilty of once before? I have no advice for you. Do as your mind tells you!! |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by edwife(f): 10:47am On May 23, 2015 |
greatgod2012: Thanks ,hope you good. Ewuro4: Lol.  |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by nowwhat: 3:10pm On Jun 02, 2015 |
Well the thing is, ever since we got married, (I paid for marriage commissioner) I have pretty much been the one to pay the rent, as he hops from job to job. Twice I have been sent back to my parents because I couldn't make/didn't have money to support us and he never had proper work. Hence I gave birth to our two boys without him, and the money for their upkeep has obviously been going to his lawyer for the past 4 yrs while I struggle to raise and provide for me and the boys. We want to reconcile, but how can I trust and respect him? I don't wAnt divorce (even tho we've been separated 6 yrs) I feel mad, how could he try to convince me to uproot and move to his area when he never mentioned all the legal junk he's in?!? What else dont I know? And he said his lawyer had urgent deadline for payment or she was quitting so I paid him $3000 or $480,000 naira out of my hard earned money to pay his lawyer FOR HIS CHEATING!! Am I stupid or do I love him that much?! By November he has to come up with $7000 more for trial ($1.1 million naira) I will not pay for this:-) Should I welcome him back with this anger/frustration in my heart? Should I wait til all legal battles are done by end of year? I'm just tired of being the responsible, strong one in this marriage. I ache to be cherished, protected, spoiled... Am I living in an unrealistic dream world to crave this every day? |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by 5minsmadness: 4:46pm On Jun 02, 2015 |
The op is obviously not a feminist  |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by Nobody: 4:57pm On Jun 02, 2015 |
Maybe you should wait till all the legal battles are done then you can discuss your expectations from the marriage and let him know you need him to pull his weight. |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by Nobody: 5:09pm On Jun 02, 2015 |
Hmmm, op you sincerely have tried. .. I hope his court story is true and not a way of taking money off you? ? |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by nowwhat: 6:15pm On Jun 02, 2015 |
Yes unfortunately it's true. His parents have helped him a lot with his lawyers payments as well. I guess 1/2 year isn't so long to wait if we're gonna get back together as we've already been apart so many years... Also is it very common in nigerian culture for man not to be around when wife gives birth? It's pretty important here in Canada but maybe that's not a big deal there? How bout being taken on 0 romantic dinners out? Or no honeymoon? Or never a ring, and flowers one time in 10 yrs? Am I a spoiled woman who wants too much, or are most nigerian husbands this unromantic?! I bought him a plane ticket here this week as a BDAY present, I guess I'm thinking i might be crazy to try and dream I might get something for my bday last month? Are birthdays not that important in your culture? Maybe it's just a cultural diff? |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by Nobody: 6:20pm On Jun 02, 2015 |
nowwhat: You are not a spoiled woman i feel you are asking for nothing he is just not giving you anything forgive my asking but why did you marry him? Was he doing some loving things before you got married then changed in the course of the marriage? |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by nowwhat: 6:46pm On Jun 02, 2015 |
I was in a very vulnerable spot in my life, and I guess I loved him to some degree... He asked me to marry him about 1 month after we met, and I sponsered him so a lot of ppl would say he used me for citezinship.. There's been a lot more stressful hard times than pleasant happy ones, and we've only lived together for about 3 yrs of our 9.5 yr marriage,but Ive never quite given up.. I hate divorce and I guess my hope is that God can perform a miracle with us! |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by tollu: 6:48pm On Jun 02, 2015 |
nowwhat: A man in Nigeria is same as a man in Canada at least as far as being romantic is concerned. It might just be in his nature to be that kind of nonchalant person, it is far from a cultural thing. I wouldn't even call all that you desire, romantic. Those are things that should come naturally afterall you're not asking for long walks in the park or kissing under the rain. You need to evaluate your relationship with this man carefully and be sure he isn't just "using" you. |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by nowwhat: 6:49pm On Jun 02, 2015 |
As far as doing pleasant things for me before we were married, not really. If we ate out, I paid, never really had a dating period, pretty much moved in together right away... Oh well, I guess I just needed to get my feelings out... There's always hope right?! |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by Nobody: 7:23pm On Jun 02, 2015 |
nowwhat: I really do feel for you I am beginning to understand your frustration It looks like this man is incapable of giving you the things you need in this marriage He is used to being taken care of and being rescued by everyone You took on that role from the beginning and it may never change Please don't spend any more money on him Save them for the welfare of the kids that are now your sole responsibility Looks like you need to cut your loses and move on Not easy but that is what you must do for your sanity's sake 1 Like |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by Nobody: 7:26pm On Jun 02, 2015 |
nowwhat: You sponsored the marriage You paid the rent and when you can't you lose the roof over your head Now you are separated but paying for his legal cases Wake up woman! You are acting like a fool How can you allow someone manipulate you in this manner? You are a mother of children for heaven's sake Wake up please What do you see in this man because from what you write,I don't see any desirable quality in him whatsoever Is he addicted to drugs and alcohol? He is not a responsible man in any shape or form Just let him be ,he is living his life,live yours nowwhat: A plane ticket? You are enabling him Yes you are And you deserve exactly what you are getting right now Why don't you make him work hard to get himself a plane ticket to come see you and the kids Stop acting like a fool please Sorry I had to be hard,don't you have family members to speak or slap sense into you? Keep that money in the bank for your children!!!!! 2 Likes |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by 5minsmadness: 9:32pm On Jun 02, 2015 |
nowwhat:If you were looking for hope you came to the wrong forum. Few people will encourage you here. |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by bukatyne(f): 9:47pm On Jun 02, 2015 |
I believe you are a Canadian married to a Nigerian man. @Cheating: he forgave, you do and I would say forget about him not telling for four years As per the girl, support him now If you believe the lady is lying. @Finances: I understand your sentiments. However,marriage is a bank where you both deposit your resources and withdraw when necessary. Take it as a blessing you have a stable job to take care of the needs of the family. Imagine you did not have the resources when necessary There is no abuse or cheating (except the one time each) So I do not see a need for divorce or separation What you need to do is to find out the following: 1. If your husband still wants the mmarriage or If he sees you as a means to an end. 2. Why he is not able to hold down jobs? 3. Is There really a case? If he still want the marriage (not his words but actions) now is the time to build your family strong. The finances is you depositing which will be very appreciated when he stands on his feet again. If his ability not to hold jobs results from lacking certain skill set, you both can build him up to a standard level. If it is his attitude to/at work, same applies Here. Every work environment is different and need certain skills to survive. If he is laid back, encouragement also works. Put the ideas of where he can be in his head and watch him soar. If he is a lazy bum, then let him sort out his court issues himself. Jolt him to sit up. @Court case: do an independent investigation to find out If There is really a court case. Goodluck 2 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by cococandy(f): 10:02pm On Jun 02, 2015 |
OP I agree with this. Maybe you need to give him space to sort out his legal issues before getting back with him. babyosisi: |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by veave(f): 8:00am On Jun 03, 2015 |
Hmmmn! So why am I beating myself up and looking for husband? |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by bukatyne(f): 8:14am On Jun 03, 2015 |
veave: Haven't you heard of blissful marriages? |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by veave(f): 8:47am On Jun 03, 2015 |
bukatyne: Apart from the one my parents have. I have not heard or seen any. |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by Nobody: 8:51am On Jun 03, 2015 |
nowwhat: Yes miracles do happen. Let him come up with the money for his trial you've enabled him for too long. To reduce your stress level give him space to man up i think you should stop being the hero,saving the day all the time. Let him save just himself for once not even talking about you and the kids just himself. nowwhat: And then you buy him a bday ticket there is hope but you have to stop doing what you've been doing apparently its not working yet you persist in doing the "pleasant" things for him while he does nothing for you. I see why you would feel frustrated it seems you are the only one investing and sacrificing in the relationship. Whatever you do do not forget to put your needs and those of your kids first. 1 Like |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by SugaRush(f): 9:28am On Jun 03, 2015 |
nowwhat: I bought this I bought that. I am not sure you are a marriage material. Marriage is about giving, forging and forsaking. Once you start counting how much I spent on my spouse last week or last month, you can never have a happy marital life. My 2 cents. |
| Re: RECONCILING AND DECEIT.. HELP!! by bukatyne(f): 10:51am On Jun 03, 2015 |
veave: Look around, you will surely see very good examples around. Have a positive mindset |
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